i'm going snowboarding with my ex after christmas because i got stuck working :/
but anyways theres this guy that likes me and he texts me like alll the time, and i text him back cause well i'm a nice person haha..but i don't like him in that way. i told him that i didn't want a relationship for awhile since i just got out of a super long one.
i was just thinking, and please let me know if this is a stupid idea. but i'm sure this guy will text me when we go snowboarding and should i just bring it up casually to my ex and say something like "this guy likes me and texts me all the time and i text him back...do you think thats leading him on?" ...its a legit question that i kinda want to know from a guys perspective anyway..and i think maybe it will get him a little jealous? idk, what do you think?
-hannah
Eh, I really wouldn't bring it up. It will probably just make him mad or be too obvious because this is the first time you guys are hanging out in a while. If the guy is texting you while you're out with him, and he asks about it, just say something like "oh, it's the guy that texts me all the time". Then see how he reacts to it. If he just says 'oh' and doesn't ask any questions, stop texting the guy that likes you. Just tell him you're busy. It's rude to text a lot when you're hanging out with someone, especially an ex who you're trying to get back with. If he asks more questions about it, you can go into further detail. But I'd just keep that conversation out for now, if I were you.
(:
Darby
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hey its hannahh. so i really hope you don't mind me bugging you with all of these questions. you're really helping me alot though and its nice to have someone the same age know what she's talking about :)
so anyway he's been texting me a good amount lately (he started it) and since we're both like obsessed with snowboarding he asked me to go this sunday. i'm not really sure how to play it, like if he asks me how i'm doing what should i say? should i say ehh ok :/ or something like i'm doing really well :) (obviously i still want him back, but maybe if i pretend like everythings good he'll miss me)...so how do you think i should play it and any other advice?
oh and i kinda want to go in the hot tub after ;) it wouldn't be awkward cause he knows i'm always cold lol but i think it'd be a good excuse to just talk and bond and stuff lol buut the problem is i don't have one :( so do you know of like anything we could do after so we can just talk? like i don't want it to be too obvious that i just did it to talk to him you know?
thanks so much :)
Hey (:
I think that when he asks how you're doing, you should say something like, "Oh, I've been alright I guess. You?" That way it's sort of in between. You don't want to be like, "Oh, gosh it's just been awful." But you don't want to be like, "Oh yeah, everything's been going great." The middle ground is usually better (:
As far as what to do after snowboarding, it really depends what you're into. I smoke and drink coffee nonstop, so if I want to talk to a guy, I'll just ask if he wants to go outside and smoke/drink coffee. If it's too cold outside, I'll start out by just sitting on my doorsteps, then ask if he wants to go sit in my car so we can be a little warmer. Then I'm alone with the person and I can just turn the heat on in my car and listen to music and talk about whatever I want to talk about.
Because you're going snowboarding, you'll probably be cold. So ask if he wants to go to a cafe and get some coffee or hot chocolate. It won't be crazy obvious because it really will be necessary to get something warm. But it will let him know that you want to spend a little bit of time alone talking to him.
Good luck,
Darby(:
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so there's this guy that i've been talking to. he's such a sweetheart and i know he likes me for me. we've been talking for a few month. okay so i want to have a little fun...don't tell me not to because i know i do, thats not my question...my question is, what/where/when can we hang out in which i'll be wearing the least amount of clothes possible haha...and preferably with a group of friends too.
(could be a bathing suit or w.e.)
thanks :)
I don't know where you live. But where I live, it's too cold for a bathing suit outside. If you live somewhere cold, like I do, you could throw a party at a hotel that has an indoor swimming pool or hot tub. Then you could invite all of your friends (including him).
(:
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im 17/f. so i've been in a relationship for a year and i just got out of it like a month ago...i went to a college party last night and i started hooking up with this really hott guy but i felt so dirty and slutty so i stopped and told him that i couldn't do this. when i was with my boyfriend i was like a sex maniac haha but i never felt slutty at all because we had that really strong connection you know? i thought being single and meeting guys and hooking up is suppose to be fun? i don't understand. i'm young and i'm suppose to like this....i guess all i want is someone who cares...idk what should i do...
like if thats what college is like then i'm not that excited..i don't just want to be another pointless girl he's hooked up with...i want to mean something.
It's not strange at all to feel that way, especially if you've only hooked up with people during a relationship. I don't like hooking up with people that I don't know well or don't have a connection with. It makes it feel less meaningful when you are with someone you connect to.
It's actually a good thing that you don't like hooking up randomly. It means that you have respect for yourself. Your mind telling you that it's wrong for you to randomly hook up is your sub conscious way of telling yourself that you know you deserve someone who cares about you and that you're not going to sell yourself for less.
College parties do tend to get like that. But that's not what college is about. College is about getting a degree so you can have a better job so you can have more money to raise a family or whatever you choose to do.
Don't look at it as a bad thing because it most definitely is not. It's refreshing to see that someone cares about theirself enough to know that hooking up with someone you don't know isn't fun at all. It's just awkward and leads to bad, bad situations.
Darby(:
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hey its the girl who asked about her ex and getting back together and summer vacation blahblah....my names hannah and i'm 17. just so i don't have to keep saying that lol.
so anyway he texted me yesterday morning saying that he was bored and i was the only one who texted back during class. so anyway we texted for awhile about some random stuff then we ended up on the phone somehow late at night because i texted him saying that something was on my mind so he called me. he told me that he gets that feeling in the pit of his stomach and he stil has feelings for me. buttttt he says he doesn't want to commit. we talked some more and he says that he doesn't believe that you can love someone forever...he said that you can love someone for a amount of time but he says that its really rare to actually love someone for the rest of your life and to be truly happy. he also said that he doesn't believe in love with teenagers. i don't want him to believe that though...because i honestly think we're both in love...even if he is lazy sometimes and doesn't want to hang out..idc i'm mature and i'm in love and i don't want to give him up...the thing is so i talked to my mom and she said that alot of it has to do with the way your parents are. his parents are always fighting and got divorced when his dad was in iraq....i want to convince him that love comes at any age and that people actually can be in love for the rest of their lives. he also told me that if we hung out by like a pool or something or lots of things he's going to want me back (he says he loves me when we're hanging out together but kinda blocks it out when we're not)....soo he's calling me after school to talk about his parents because i told him i still wanna be there for him as a friend but yeah how can i prove to him all of this about love? or at least tell him...any advice? please answer asap because he's calling after school today.
thank you soo much.
Hey, hope I'm not too late. I just got off work (:
Okay, so I think I remember saying that he probably feels the way that he does about love because of his parents. So I agree with your mom 100%. When you talk to him today about his parents, the conversation will most likely lead into his beliefs in love (or disbeliefs).
When the conversation gets on that topic, you should point out people in your life that have been married for a very long time and are very happy together. For example, my great grandparents were married for 62 years and never fell out of love. Also, my grandparents have been married for over 40 years and are still as happy as they were when they first fell in love.
It is possible for love to last forever, but there's no real way that you can force someone to believe in it. It's sort of like trying to force someone to believe in a certain religion. You can point out all the examples of things that 'god' had done for you, but it doesn't mean the person is going to believe in the religion now.
All you can do is give some examples of people in your life that have been in love and happy for a long time. Also, don't be afraid to really tell him how you feel about it. Maybe if you verbalise what you're feeling, he'll understand what you're definition of 'love' is and he'll realise that he loves you, too. (All the time, not just when you're hanging out)
Good luck,
Darby(:
EDIT::: Love is something different to every person. Think of the reasons why you feel like you can't be without him. Think of how you'd feel without him.
Love to me is when you care about someone so much that they can do anything to you and it doesn't change how you feel about them at all. When I love someone, I feel like the person is my best friend and I can't imagine being without them. If I do try to imagine them not being in my life, I feel completely empty like everything has been torn away from my insides. It's a feeling that lasts, too. If you love someone, you're not going to forget them after you've been broken up for a couple months. You'll be completely miserable until you get the person back in your life.
If you love someone, you trust them with everything you have. You're never embarrassed around them and you feel like you could say or do anything without them being weirded out or making fun of you.
You want to spend a lot of time with the person and you miss them before they've even left. You get excited when you see a text with their name on it, even after you've known each other or have been dating for a long time.
And most of all, love to me is when you can sit in a room with the person for an entire day or night and do completely opposite things (one person sleeping and the other across the room drawing; etc..) and feel completely calm and at peace just because the other person is near you and you care so much about them that their very presence takes away any bad feelings you could have about things happening in your life.
Darby(:
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okay soo i've been dating this guy for alonnnng time for like over a year. and we broke up a few weeks ago. its annoying because we're one of those on and off couples...i guess if you can call it that like this is the 3rd time we've broken up. i think he has commitment issues...because his mom is cheating on his dad and they're getting a divorce...do you think that could be it? like i really really love this guy he's amazing and when we're together he treats me so well...i love him to death but i just hate going through the pain when break up...and like he always tells me "he loses the spark" as an excuse to why we break up but i think theres something about commitment issues that he's not telling me because whenever we hang out again after awhile after we break up (we give it like 2 months then try and hang out again as friends) he falls back in love with me and there we go again...so what do i do? (were both 17 btw)
It could be commitment issues that he has due to his parents' relationship. It might not be something he's not telling you about. If it issues with committing, he probably doesn't even realise that he has those issues. You could try bringing it up to him and ask him if he thinks that you could be one of the problems in your on and off relationship.
It could also be that when you're dating, you spend too much time together or do things that you don't both find enjoyable. He loses the spark then a couple months later you hang out and he gains it back. That makes me think that he just gets bored of your relationship after a while.
You should try talking to him about that also to see if that could be why he's always 'losing the spark'.
In the future, if you decide to date again, make sure that you have a game plan and have the issues from last time resolved. Time alone doesn't fix problems in relationships. If something goes wrong and you break up and don't talk for a couple months, forgetting what happened isn't going to make it go away the next time around.
Try to invest your time together in things that you both enjoy and don't be afraid to be spontaneous and adventurous in the things you do. Those things will help keep the love alive and exciting so he won't lose the spark again.
Good luck,
Darby (:
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help me out here of what to do if you can.(:
so there is this guy who i really like and who likes me. we have known eachother for like a year or so and we have talked talked a couple times but this time it was for real, we would be textinng almost everyday of every second. and this week he has came see me everyday. but now he just wont even talk to me. he tells me that he wants me to tell him how i feel and about my problems so that he can atleast try to help and i do tell him but two nights ago he was over and i just started ignoring him and being really quiet and he asked me what is wrong and i told him that i feel like he is using me because he dont bother to ask me out or anything, we act like we date, we kiss all the time and hold hands and all but he just dont bother to ask me out. my friend said that i am his make out buddy but i do kinda feel like it. i know that he likes me and that he isnt using me but i dont know what it is. yesterday i texted him asking if he even wants to date me and he said i do.. just not now and i asked why and he said just dont and i told him to tell me but he didnt reply but then later we talked on the phone for like one hour and nothing wrong but if i text him, he wont text back. i just want to know why he dont want to date. it dont make sense. and sometimes i feel like that im chasing him to much. sorry that its long. i rate 5.
I guess I would give it a little while to see how it plays out. He might just be waiting for the right time to ask you out. But it really sounds to me like he doesn't want to commit to a relationship. He wants to have all the aspects of a relationship minus the title that ties you down from talking to or seeing other people. If he can play boyfriend to you and still get away with being technically single, why wouldn't he?
If he doesn't ask you out in the next couple weeks, you should try asking him out. If he says no or says he doesn't want to right now, don't waste your time with it. If he wanted to be your boyfriend, he would do it now while he has his chance.
Good luck,
Darby(:
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I'm a girl, and I'm 16. My boyfriend and I have been dating for five months almost six, I know it's not long, but we've mutually been liking eachother since the 7th grade. I'd even want to say that I've been in love with him since then. This is all kind of pointless to what I have to ask, but I figured I'd share a little information.
Anyway, his best friend is a guy. He had a girlfriend. They recently broke up. We were together, and he just left my house to go be with her and comfort her, because she was so devestated that HIS best friend dumped her. Why does he need to comfort his best friends, ex? I got really mad at the fact that he just got up from my house and went to be with her.
Is this something that I should worry about, that I'll be the second best always, I'm not trying to sound selfish. But your girlfriend normally comes first, right? I'm just wondering if I overreacted,or if its something I should be mad and concered about.
By the way, he's done this three times to me already.
He's left your house three times to go be with his best friend's ex girl? Yeah, if I were you, I'd be fairly concerned about that. Even if they've been friends for a while, it's weird. You shouldn't just leave anyone you're hanging out with to go hang out with someone else unless it's an emergency. And, of course, you especially shouldn't leave your girlfriend's house to go comfort another girl.. three times..
If I were you, I'd talk to him about it and see what's up. It's fine if he wants to cheer her up or whatever, but it could've waited until you guys were done hanging out. He could have told her that he'd come see her in a few hours. I'm guessing she's around your age, so breaking with a boyfriend isn't exactly a tragedy or something that I would consider an emergency.
Just talk to him about it and see why he feels the need to leave when he's hanging out with you to go hang out with her all the time. That's not a very good way to treat your girlfriend. It really doesn't make sense anyway because he's with you and she's upset so he goes to cheer her up. But when he leaves you, you get upset I'm sure. So really he's choosing you being upset over her being upset.
Good luck,
Darby(:
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hey so i'm that girl who asked you all those questions about getting back together with my boyfriend over the summer and going on vacation with him. (we started dating aug. 11.2008 broke up april 26th 2009 then started going back out july 20th 2009 and now broke up again november 27th 2008 :/)
okay so tonight he dumped me. again. i can't sleep, i can't eat, and theres this huge hole in my heart. i told myself i would never get this attached but its too late, because i am. it is impossible for me to get over him....three months wasn't enough i feel like its going to be longer this time if we don't end up getting back together.
he said he broke up with me because he feels like i contribute way more in the relationship than he does and he feels like its not fair to me. but then he said he loves me and cares about me and doesn't know what to expect after we break up....i said to him "i want to be sure this is what you want because i'm not coming back this time"....he said "yeah i know..id be a jerk to ask you out again" he said that ill always have an effect on him because its the first love kinda thing with both of us.
its really weird too because like a week ago he was telling me how the first time we broke up he was a mess and thought of me every night thinking that it would go away but it didn't for 3 months. so he asked me back out and things were good but then he said that he felt like he didn't want to hang out with me sometimes and wanted to be with his friends but thats understandable because i do too. ugh i know i said i wasn't coming back, but deep down i know i am if he will....im so crazy abot this guy....
and one more thing, everytime he says "i love you" like a couple months later we break up....i've mentioned this to him and he seems afraid of it...he says he meant it and i'm positive that he meant it becase i can tell especially the way he looked into my eyes but he says he doesn't want to be like an old married couple already and i think the words "Ilove you" remind him of that.
what do you think is the best way to play it so we can get back together? should i tell him all of this? he said he wanted to try the friends thing so we can hang out after a little awhile. but we hung out last time we broke up by ourselves and we ended up getting back together...he said he wanted to start hanging out in groups first though so that doesn't happen...but i secretly want it to :/ when should i call him/text him? like how long should i give it? i know i should wait until he texts me first but he told me to let him know when i'm ready to hang out again. this is seriously the hardest thing i've ever been through.
i want him back so badly. im trying the best i could to stay positive but things aren't going so well. i'm so in love and this is eating me from the inside out. i want him back. i know he loves me. he's just so confused and he has family problems going on at home (his mom is cheating on his dad overseas) and i want to be there for him i love him so much and i honestly think he's making a hugee mistake. how do i get him back? please help :(
oh and after we talked he said i can call if i needed anything...
oh and im also friends with one of his close friends....should i talk to him about it?.
I'll start with the last question- no you shouldn't talk to his friend about it because if you do, there's a big chance that he'll go tell your ex boyfriend whatever it is that you said. It's not good to talk to a mutual friend about these sort of issues.
It sounds to me like the guy is afraid to make a full committment to you or anyone else right now. You've told him that you think you contribute equally or that you don't mind; but he's still saying he can't do it. It sounds like it's just an escape from the relationship because he's not ready for a very serious relationship.
Also, with his mum cheating on his dad, it could very well be that he's lost his faith in relationships somewhat. Being with you might remind him that his mother is betraying his father who is fighting for his country. When something like that happens, it takes a while for the person to realise that there can still be true love.
If I were you, I would tell him the things that you've told me here (which it sounds like you have to a certain extent). Tell him that if he really needs to take a break from it, you'll still be there for him as a friend but that you're not going to hook up with him or anything like that.
Then you have to commit to what you tell him. If you tell him you're not going to go back with him, then you do, you're not going to have as much respect from him. He'll think that he can just ask you out and break up with you whenever he wants and you'll always take him back.
It's hard to stick to your guns, but you have to do whatever you have to do to not take him back if that's really what you want to do or need to do.
That might mean you can't hang out with him anymore (even in a group) or talk to him for a while.
You need to ask yourself if you really want him back if he's going to keep changing his mind about whether or not he really wants to be with you. It seems like he has quite a few commitment issues and you need to decide if that's something you want to put yourself through at this point in your life.
Hope it helps,
Darby(:
::EDIT:: In response to the questions in your feedback, if I were you I would just let things go. I think not talking for a month or so would be good for both of you. If you do love each other, you'll both miss each other a lot in that time. But in a relationship, you can't just go out for a few months then break up for a month or so and keep cycling like that.
Every relationship has that honeymoon phase where you want to be together all the time and you're really happy together. That fades away with time, and that's normal. You don't have to hang out every single day or text each other every second of every day when you're not together.
You guys have to learn how to balance your relationship and your life in general. Don't make everything revolve around each other if you do start dating again because your relationship isn't stable enough and you'll probably end up getting hurt again.
I think you should not talk to each other for a while. Don't make it exactly one month because you'll just be clinging to the hope of being able to hang out with him again in a month. Just take a break and keep your mind open while you're on that break. A lot can happen in a month and you aren't together so don't avoid getting to know new people or get too surprised if he gets to know other people, too.
If after a while you still have those feelings for him, then you can see if he wants to hang out again. Until then, just try to relax and put more of your energy into school or friends.
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heyy, i'm a 19/f. he's a 20/m.
i recently met this guy and we were talking and yadayadayada. we got eachother numbers and all that fun stuff. anyways my friend and i were going down to see her boyfriend and the guy i'm talking to. we are still in the awkward get to know you stage. anyway, we were all hanging out and things were going good until these other girls started showing up and kept glaring at me for talking to him and kept pulling me away from him whenever we got near eachother. anyways, my friend, her boyfriend, and i left to go get some food and then we were gonna go back to where he was. her boyfriend fell asleep in the process of our food getting made, so i texted him and i said 'hey sorry we aren't gonna be able to come back" and he said "why?" and i said "well *joe* passed out on the couch haha" and he said "oh.." and i said "yeahhh i'm sorry i didnt talk a lot. i didnt want to bother you when you were talking to other people and then you randomly disappared. haha" and he said " i'm sad now that you aren't coming back." and then he said "i'm sorry i wanted to talk to you more and get to know you" then before i said anything back he said "can i come get you and you can come back over?" and i said 'well *kelsey* doesnt feel good so i wanna make sure everything is ok" and he said 'ahh ok" and then i said "but maybe we can do lunch tomorrow or an early dinner" and he said "yeah sounds good to me. i'll ttyl. maybe see you tomorrow" and i said "okay. ttyl. goodnight"
so thennn.. the next day we all woke up and we were all watching football on *joes* bed. haha and *kelsey* said "*joe* text *andy* and tell him to come over" so *joe* texted him and said "yo *andy*. we are having a party on my bed. get your ass here now" and *andy* said "i would if i could but i can't :(" so then we texted him later about doing lunch/dinner but he couldnt do lunch/dinner because he had to go home for an appointment.
so then *kelsey* told me that *joe* might come down and visit her and so i texted *andy* was like "heyyy so *joe* might be coming down to visit *kelsey* and i think you should come down with him if you want :)" and he said "well why should i come down" and i was like "cause i'll be here and i'm awesome" and he said "oh really who lied to you?" and i said " :( harsh." and he said "haha playing with ya." and i said "idk about that. seemed pretty sincere to me :(" and he said "well i'm sorry i didnt mean it." and i said "haha i know i was joking" and he was like "oh i know you were."
he never really answered my question about if he wanted to come down or not, i was talking to my other friend about it and she said that maybe he'll come down and surprise you. so i mean, that's possible, but you never know with boys.
but like i feel like he's sending mixed signals and i don't know what else to do/say to get things to pick up faster.. idk if he wants things to go farther or what. i'm all around confused and i was just hoping you could help me figure out what he MAY be thinking. :)
thanks for your time!
sorry that this is sooo long.
I agree that he's sending mixed signals, but that seems to happen a lot during the 'getting to know you' stage.
The first thing I want to mention is that there's something going on between him and the girl at the party that kept getting pissed and pulling him away from you. Whether they're dating or used to date or they're talking, i don't know. But she wouldn't feel as though she had the right to get pissed off and pull him away from you if there wasn't more to the story. If I were you, I'd figure out what that was all about before I pushed any further to hang out or get to know him better.
As far as him wanting you to come to the party so bad, then not giving a straight answer on coming to see you; I have no idea. It could really be a number of things. Either, he's upset because you didn't come back to the party so he's being stubborn about coming to see you now. Or, he's just giving you a hard time and playing hard to get. Or, there is something going on with the girl from the party and he's decided not to come see you based on where their friendship/relationship stands now.
So, at this point, I think you should figure out what that girl was all pissed about. Then, (as long as it's still a go) say something casual like, "So, have you decided if you're coming down with Joe?" That way you'll be reminding him that you'd still like to see him and you'll get a chance of getting a straight answer.
If he avoids the question again, you'll know that he doesn't want to come see you for some reason or another. At that point, I would move on. If he doesn't want to come see you when he's wanting start a relationship, who knows how he'd be during a relationship.
Good luck,
Darby(:
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hello!
um ok i used to have this huge crush on this guy but he had a gf and she hated me so much anyways that was 2 years ago (elementary grade 7 him and her grad8) now im in high school with them and evr since shes been giving me terrible looks and she even gives my sister terrible looks (who which ,there would be no way she would know her) and he actually had the nerve to smile at me and now she thinks there is something going on between us but i cant even look at him i can NOT stand them ( i have no feelings for him) and i dont look at him at all but i can see he IS looking at me ( sorry if confusing!!) well anything you do will help!!
It's hard to say what would be best to do in this situation. You haven't done anything wrong, so if you can, just ignore her looks. She probably thinks that you still have feelings for her boyfriend, but if you keep ignoring both of them she'll get the picture. If she keeps giving you dirty looks, and you're sure she's actually giving dirt looks to you, you can talk to her about it and let her know that you don't like her boyfriend and that you don't want any fighting between the two of you.
Good luck,
Darby(:
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Heyy, well i have been with my BF for 2 years already. I love him to death and he loves me. Really, love cant even explain it.. and he wants to be my first. i love him and want him to be my first too, but im young. im 15 in january. andd i moved:( but see him every single week and we talk every single day for hourssss(: and i have never loved anything MORE in my life... ??
buttt i really dontt knowwww..
please helpp.. this is importantt..
XOXO ♥Jess
You have a few options here. It's good that you want to be each other's firsts, but waiting a while won't hurt. If you're really in love, you'll be able to wait until you're both truly ready to have sex. You asking this questions tells in itself that you're not quite ready. When you are ready, you won't have these second, third, and fourth thoughts.
And just because you love him, doesn't mean you have sex. Just the same, just because you have sex doesn't mean it's some sort of proof of your love for him.
I really strongly advise that you wait for a few different reasons. First of all, if you guys are very happy and in love with each other right now, sex isn't necessary. It will only complicate the pure and strong love that you have for each other now. Few people have relationships last as long as yours has at your age. I promise you, if you have sex with him now, everything will be compromised. It will only cause problems at this point.
Secondly, having sex at your age isn't a good idea because your body is still developing. It's not healthy to have sex while your sex organs are still in the development stage. Plus, you have the issue of needing birth control. Condoms seem like they would work; but it's shocking how often they break or malfunction. And it only takes one time for a condom to get a hole in it or slip off to get you pregnant. You'd need to go on actual birth control which means you'd need to either talk to your mother about it or find a way to get to a clinic.
Lastly, you moved and even though you see him once a week, you probably don't see him as much as you used to. If you start having sex now, you'll have to struggle to balance your time hanging out and your time having sex. Since you only see each other once a week, you'll most likely start arguing often about how often you should have sex. You don't want to see him one time a week and just have sex then go home and see him the next week and just have sex then go home. You'll start feeling like you're using each other for just those purposes.
All in all, your best bet is to just wait. You have a good relationship now. There's no purpose in messing up something that is good and getting yourself into situations that could be easily avoided. If I were you, I would go on with the relationship and wait until you're truly ready to have sex before you do it. You'll know when you're ready. You won't have any doubts or second thoughts.
And, like I said before, just because you aren't each other's first right now, doesn't mean that you can't be in the future.
Good luck,
Darby(:
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I think I have an obsession
I stare at her picture all the time (though recently I've been able to control this a bit)
I think about her all the time 24/7. Though when I do some activities I enjoy, they leave my mind for a while, but then come back again.
I have fantasies about her
I keep thinking she don't like me or think I'm weird, which pains me so much.
If I was still in school, I would probably go out of my way just to see them or get a glimpse of them.
I feel so envious of their boyfriend. I keep wishing I was them. And, as wrong as this sounds, I wish her boyfriend would die. If that sounds sick and wrong I agree. I'm ashamed.
Does anyone have any helpful tips in curing myself of this? If you actually think I WANT to feel this way, you are dead wrong.
I'd agree that your crush has turned into a bit of an obsession. You haven't said, but I'm guessing you don't talk to her that often. Or that when you do talk to her, it's just a brief thing. You probably don't really know a lot about her, other than what anyone would know from going to school with her.
I think obsessions like this occur when people find someone to be attractive and nice. I don't think an obsession like this would occur if you did know her extremely well or hung out with her often.
The reason I think the obsession occurs is because the person hasn't been around their obsession enough to recognise flaws in the obsession. If you're not around her often, don't hang out with her outside of school, don't know her deep feelings, and aren't around her on an everyday basis; you don't really know who she is on the inside.
You've probably spoken to her some and seen her some and thought she was good-looking and maybe very friendly or sweet. You, in turn, put her on a pedestal of excellence because you don't know her enough to see that she is flawed.
You have fantasies about her, and in these fantasies, she is probably your dream girl. She is probably everything that you could possibly want in a girl because your mind is making up these fantasies.
The issue is that you're probably not making a clear distinction between who she is in real life and who she is in your mind. You might be blending the person she actually is and your own personal dream girl.
In order to get rid of this obsession, you need to find out who she actually is. She is not perfect because no one is perfect. She is extremely likely not your idea of perfection. If you got to know who her and talked to her or hung out with her, you would see her flaws.
The issue is, she has a boyfriend. Because she has a boyfriend, she probably does not like you like that. You said that you worry that she doesn't like you; you need to realise that she probably you're probably right. She probably doesn't like you in the way that you like her. That is understandable since she has been with her boyfriend and not you. That doesn't mean he should die or that you should try to interfere with their relationship to somehow 'prove' that you're the best guy for her.
You need to keep yourself occupied. If you're sitting around thinking about her all the time; you've got too much time on your hands. You need to pick up some hobbies and hang out with friends more often. Try meeting other girls and seeing the positive things in them.
If the opportunity does come up where you can get to know your crush better, go for it. But do not cling onto the hope that maybe possibly her and her boyfriend might break up. It's a waste of time, really.
If you knew her and were around her often, you'd see how human she really is and you would be able to take her off of that perfection pedestal you've subconsciously put her on.
I don't mean to sound harsh; but your best bet is to try to forget about her. Don't allow yourself to sit around fantasising about how perfect she is or about being with her. The more time you spend doing that, the more you fall into the obsession.
Like I said, keep yourself busy, meet new people and hang out with friends. If you can talk to her some, try to really get to know her and don't allow yourself to be blind to her flaws just because you have a crush on her.
Good luck,
Darby(:
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okay well im new to this sex stuff so anyways im too young rite ive been talking to this guy for a least 3 months but never was official rite and i didnt want it to be offical cus i dont know but anyways he is a tooottaaallyyy bitchh pig asshole etc. he showed me that he really cared for me and i really started to like him. but i just knew the only thing he wanted was sex so we messed around and stuufff like me giving him a hand job and him fingering me but never gave it up to him hell nah. i felt so pressured and disgusted towards myself and i never told anyone about it. so just one lil thing i did was that i told somegirl about me messing around with him so he goes crazy on me he's like "omg why did you do that she already knows all the girls i messed around with now shes ganna go spread it out to her family\" cus he gets along with her family. but i asked that girl if she told anyone n shes like nahh you know i would never tell no one about his stuff i wouldnt do that. i guess he got paranoid.i felt so stupid cus i kept apolizing and he didnt want to have it and i kept kissing ass to him n now he doesnt want nothing to do with me. and i knew from the moment i thought that he was using me i shouldve just let go i guess i really cared for the guy and i felt like if i didnt do what he wanted he would lose interest and he did and im just torn im so stupid.and plus he's the type of guy that doesnt want to be in a relationship with anyone just mess around with girls. i heard he messed with 3 other girls when we were messing around. i txt him nothing called nothing ahh idk im so sick of guyss there pigs and they just want to use you for one thing only i just wanna break down and cry so thats why i feel like a true fuck up cus i am one i never learn i get attatch and affectionate towards them n every time it comes out wrong idk i wanna runaway jk but ahhhh im just depressedd n i hope i aint wasting your time hit me up on your opinion :\'(
Well, there could be a couple reasons as to why he panicked so much when he found out that you told one of his friends. Because he's friends with her family, his family might be friends with her family, too. He might have been scared that she would tell her family and they would tell his family. A different reason would be age difference. I'm not sure, but I'm assuming you're a minor. If he's 18 or over, he might have freaked out that you told his friend because he knows that it's illegal for him to mess around with you and that he could get in trouble for it. The only other thing I can think of is that he was messing around with other girls at the same time and he was afraid that those other girls would find out about you if you were telling people about hooking up with him (even if you just told one person).
Just take it as a learning experience. It does suck, but when you're getting those red flags that the guy is just in it to hook up, it's time to head for this hills. When you continue a relationship knowing that, you're just setting yourself up to get hurt. Don't beat yourself up over it too much. Just learn from it and don't let yourself make the same mistake again.
The guy is obviously a jerk for just wanting that and for ignoring you now, but you're really better off just getting over him. Go hang out with your girl friends and keep yourself entertained. Don't let yourself call or text him any more. Take what respect you have left, and run with it before he can take it all away.
Not all guys are like this, and it's not good that you think that at a young age. It sounds like you're just messing around with jerks. There are really sincere, genuine guys that don't act like that at all. Just search for them and watch your back in the future with guys. It doesn't mean that you have to approach every guy like he's the last guy you dated. Every guy is different and unique. Give them a chance. Just don't hang out with guys that seem like they're only in it for the hook up.
Warning signs of that are guys that only talk about hooking up or want to hook up too early in a friendship. If they get angry at you when you don't want to hook up right away or don't want to date exclusively you. That means they're wanting to hook up with other people and not be faithful to you. If they want to hook up with other people while they're hooking up with you, it's likely that all you are is another girl to them.
Good luck,
Darby(:
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so there was this party the other night. my girlfriend went with her friends but i couldnt because i was working. there were kids from other schools there too. well the way i heard it was that this one dude was messing with my girl all night. flirting with her and stuff and that about halfway into the party he grabbed her ass. she slapped his hand away and i guess he flipped out. he pushed her over and kicked her. i want to kill him. shes got this huge nasty bruise and she scraped up her arm and hand when he pushed her onto the pavement. i dont think ive ever been this furious. i feel guilty too that if i had been there to protect her, it wouldnt have happened. i know who he is because ive played him in football, and i want to kick his ass. it would upset my girlfriend who told me that i shoudl just leave it alone. but at this point i would rather kill this kid and have her be pissed at me then just sit around and let him get away with it. im thinking about just doing it and not telling her. he should have the balls to not go crying to anyone about it right> might not be a good idea though... what do you guys think?
Not a good idea to fight him. It seems like he would have the balls to not go crying to mommy and daddy or the cops. But this type of guy is the exact type that would call the cops and get you arrested for it. Then your girlfriend will be mad at you, probably your parents, and you'll be in juvy with some hefty finds and a criminal record on your back.
But you shouldn't just lay down and take it either. There's nothing wrong with getting a friendly message across to him that he's extremely damn lucky that you weren't at the party and that your girlfriend is filing charges against him. (even if she's not)
It will scare the piss out of him that he might get sexual harassment and battery charges against him. He will likely not do anything like that for a while.
Your girlfriend may not want to tell her parents about it because she was at a party and they might not have known about it; but I think she should. It would be worth it to get a restraining order against him and get some money out of him. Plus, he'd get a criminal record if he got convicted of it.
If your girlfriend has proof and witnesses, she should go to her parents, then the cops. She should say that it happened whatever night, but she was too afraid to go to the cops right away because she was so shaken up and just wanted to get straight home or that she was afraid her parents would find out she was at a party and be angry with her.
It's always better to use the law against people; it hits them a lot harder in the long-run than a few punches.
Darby(:
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Alright I'm 14/F and the guy is 16/M. Pretty much, when he asked, I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him, and he stopped talking to me. I really liked him. He told me he could see himself dating me and that he cared about me. Well he obviously doesn't care that much if he would just drop me like that because I wasn't going to let him do me. Like what the hell? Who does he think he is? I'm not a toy he can just fool around with (we had made out) and then drop when he found out he couldn't get in my pants. I want to get back at him SO bad but I don't know what to do. Help?
I agree with the answers below me. It's best to just take the high road. Who says that it means he won? He didn't get what he wanted, so he really loses.
It would be nice to scheme some elaborate plan that could make him see that he can't treat you like that; but he probably already knows that since he didn't get in your pants and you guys don't even talk any more.
He does sound like quite the jerk, but it's not really worth starting a huge feud over. Just take it as a learning experience and watch for guys that display the same warning signs (wanting to hook up early, only talking about hooking up, etc..) that this guy displayed.
-Darby(:
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okay so my sitiuation is complicated and completely my fault, but im stuck and need advice on how to get out of it.
ok so theres these two guys jason and matt and they are both so incredibly amazing, and thats the problem.
Jason Is a guy I can completely see myself being with and being happy. We have our relationship times and our times when we can just be freinds and have no care in the world. He's the one I cant stop thinking about no matter what Im doing or who Im with.
Matt on the other hand is somewhat of a very big player, but when I see him he always brings me to this place I never knew existed. I could sit and kiss him for the rest of my life. He makes me feel like the prettiest most amazing girl in the world. He tells me the sweetest things and he sings to me. But with matt if we're not all over eachother we're nothing, we are unabled to be "just freinds".
So My problem is Im falling in love with two guys and did I mention they're best freinds? So its not so easy on them either when one of them see's me with there best freind. At first it was jason I wa always with and I never thought of matt like that and now that I've formed relationships with both of them I just cant break myself away from either of them. I dont know what to do they make it impossible for me to breath because they are always asking me which one I like better and the truth is I have no clue. can someone give me some advice that might actually help me? sorry it was so long
From what you've said, Jason is probably the better choice. He can be a best friend and a boyfriend, and that's what a good, solid relationship needs. Not to mention the fact that you were with him first. If you chose Matt over him at this point, you would likely ruin your relationship with Jason and Matt's friendship with Jason.
The fact that Matt is a big player isn't great either. That means he could mess things up with his running around. You don't want to date a guy that plays the field like that. You're just setting yourself up to get hurt. It sounds like the relationship with Matt is a sexual one for the most part. It's nice that he sings to you and makes you feel good; but who knows who else he's doing that for?
The bottomline is, Jason has proven his feelings and devotion to you by standing by and being a good friend, even after you started hooking up with his best friend. That fact alone simply amazes me. He must really like you. If a guy I was with started hooking up with my best friend, I might very well punch him in the face. It shows that Jason still cares about you, even when you're not doing the best of things.
In the end, it's your choice. And if you can't choose between them, you just might have to choose neither and move on. What you need to do is make a list and really weigh out the pros and cons of each person. You've already said that you can really see yourself being with Jason. It seems like your mind is made up, but you're crushing on Matt and it's confusing you.
Good luck,
Darby(:
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Okay, so I really liked this guy. And I totally thought he liked me too. He definitely lead me on. But when my friend asked him if he had any interest in me he simply replied "She's not really what I'm looking for right now." Okay, so I know that's the nice way of putting it. But obviously he meant something else. You can be harsh, that's okay. If you were a guy and you said this, do you really mean it? Or is there another meaning to the words.
I think he probably means that you're not his type. Either your interests aren't compatible or he's just looking for something else, like he said. I doubt there's any deep, twisted meaning behind this. There could be tons of reasons why you're not what he's looking for. I don't know the details of it, so it's hard to know for sure. But examples would be your age, hobbies, looks, personality, ect.. He probably meant what he said though, so it's time to move on to better things (:
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14/f
I've been asked out more than plenty of times in my life (I'm not going to complain about it) but I've never said yes to anyone. I never actually thought that the reason why was because something didn't feel right...until awhile ago a boy a really liked asked me out. And I totally blew it by the way... I totally freaked out when he asked me...I told him maybe and then I let it off for like a week...and then he told me he was moving so it would be too hard. So that was like a total slap in the face...
I think I might have commitment issues. I think my problem is that I'm really afraid to be in a relationship with someone, as much as I would love to. All my friends go in and out of these wonderful relationships and everything, and I'm so jealous of it...but even though I've had more chances than all of my friends' put together, I've turned down everyone (with that one exception...).
I don't know what to do about it. I seriously would love to have a boyfriend but I'm just too...scared. And the weird thing is I'm really good around guys, too. It's just when relationship stuff comes up...yeah....
Can anyone help me? I'd really appreciate it.
I think the issues here are are and inexperience. First relationships are usually weird because you don't know what to do or how to act. It's completely normal for someone that's only fourteen years old to not be ready to commit to a full relationship. Don't push yourself to do things that you're not ready to do; even if it seems like your friends are in and out of wonderful relationships all the time. If their relationships were so wonderful, they wouldn't be out of them so often.
If you really want a relationship and are just scared, all I can tell you to do is go for it. You'll never know unless you try it. You're only fourteen, it's not like if you say yes to a guy you'll be stuck in the relationship forever. If it's not working out for you, just break things off.
Like I said, it's completely normal for you to be nervous or scared with your first relationship. The next time you really like someone and they like you back, just go for it. It's one of those situation where you can't really look before you leap or you'll psyche yourself out.
Once you're in a relationship, you'll see that it's really not as great or scary as it seems. Especially first relationships. They're just more of a learning experience, and they can be great if you're learning with a guy that is learning the same things as you. If you guys are compatible, you'll get comfortable with him and those scared feelings will fade with time.
Good luck,
Darby(:
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Alright. So I'm a 16/F and this is what happened. My boyfriend and I were at a party the other night and we ran into trouble. There was this one other guy there (we'll call him J) and so J, me, and this other girl were just chilling on the couch while my boyfriend was off playing pool or something. So J takes my hand and starts leading me away from the couch and I'm just kind of like okayyy... because I mean, I didn't really know this kid too well but I was just like whatever, he probably just wants to get some food or something. Well he starts taking me back towards this room and I stop outside the door and I'm like "What are you doing?" and J says, "Come in here with me." I started babling like an idiot "What? No, my boyfriend- I- huh?- why?" and he leaned in real close, put his hand on like the small of my back (because I was trying to back away) and whispered "It'll be fun just come on." Weeeell, as you can guess, this looks a little shady. I mean, this guy is still holding my hand, he's whispering in my ear, got his hand on my back, and we're standing in the doorway of a dark room. Which is GREAT timing for my boyfriend to look over and see us. So my bf storms over and he's like "What the he** are you doing?" And I had already pulled away from J but J shoves me behind him and is all like "What's your problem, dude? I'm a little busy right now." Ha, yeah, let's just say that REALLLY pissed my bf off. He gets all up J's face and says "Yeah, with MY girlfriend. Now get the f*$@ away." Well, I myself would walk away right about now, but J's got the doorway blocked so I'm kind of just standing there like a worthless bag of poo, trying to get out when, oh goody, J makes it worse and said something like "Well your girlfriend is obviously a slu* if she was about to come in her with me" and before I could say "I wasn't going in there with you!!", my bf punched J in the face. They start getting into it right there, and a few other guys pull em off of eachother. They both got a little beat up, and the girl throwing the party got all pissed and was like "Get out of here!" So yeah. We got kicked out of the party... I felt HORRIBLE. I mean, like, I just felt so bad. I know I wasn't the one getting into the fight, but I just felt really guilty. Not for getting kicked out of the party but because my bf had like a blackeye and gosh, I just feel horrible, I feel like its all my fault. I mean, like jeez. I apologized like a million times to him, and his parents because they were all "What happened!?!" and ugh. I just feel so bad. My bf says its no big deal and he doesn't get why I feel so guilty but he got hurt and I feel like its my fault. What can I do to make it up to him? Am I being stupid for feeling like this?
Well, you definitely could have handled the situation better right off the bat. If I was at a party with my boyfriend and a guy grabbed my hand period, I would pull my hand away, tell him I have a boyfriend and walk away. You shouldn't have let him lead you all the way to the entrance of an empty room. You probably just got nervous or something, but for future reference, things like that can be avoided if you stand your ground right off the bat before things get weird.
In the meantime, it sounds like your boyfriend's going to be fine. Yeah, he has a black eye, but that will clear up within a week and all will be well again. It's not technically your fault that they got into a fight because your boyfriend is the one that threw a punch, but as I said, that all could have been avoided.
Your boyfriend has already said that it's no big deal, so I'd just let it die away. Don't keep bringing it up. You can ask him how he feels tomorrow or whatever, but just leave it alone after that.
You should go out and see a movie or go to dinner tomorrow. That will make things less weird then if you just didn't talk about it for a week, then tried to hang out again. If there's a movie out that you know he wants to see, ask him if he wants to go with you. If dinner and a movie isn't your thing, take him for a walk somewhere quiet and romantic. A beach, lake, the park; depends where you live and what's around. Or if there's a location that you know he likes to hang out that he doesn't get to go to very often, offer to go there with him. The whole thing will blow over, just don't be weird about it and bring it up all the time.
Darby(:
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