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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
19/f
i asked a question about this before but i need to update the info. basically, my boyfriend (of 10 months) broke up with me like 2 weeks ago because i said stupid stuff to him when i was drunk. like horrible stuff like told him i wanted to be single and hook up with other guys but i truly did not mean any of it. the only time we really fought was when we were drunk. i talked to him yesterday and he told me he just wants to be friends. he told me that he's never gonna feel the same about me again and he's 100% sure that he doesn't wanna be with me, but i don't know if i believe that. i think he's just hurt. he told me if we got back together he would be worried that i would cheat on him and still act the same way when i was drunk. i don't know how to prove to him that i've changed in these 2 weeks. he already knows that i haven't been drinking, but he thinks that's stupid. i think he's worried that i'm gonna be horrible and mean and drunk but i know i won't be. i just don't know how to prove it to him. i guess it took losing him to realize that i was just scared to show him how i really felt all along. i wanna start over with him and try to earn his trust back i'm just scared he's really done with me. but he keeps making comments about how he doesn't wanna see me with other guys or how it hurts him to imagine me with other guys. but when i say nice things to him he pushes me away. how can i convince him that things will be better?
The Answer
You aren't going to be able to convince him.
Continuing to disbelieve him and trying to win him back has now crossed the line to disrespectful behavior on your part.
He's been honest and clear. You need to trust and respect what he says.
If he changes his mind in the future -- that's great, but you shouldn't make your life all about convincing him.
Just be better. Keep on behaving. Two weeks isn't long enough to earn anyones trust. Be his friend, and be a better friend than you were girlfriend. If he can see past your mistakes someday, he'll let you know.
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The Question
so yestarday was my birthday.. and so I got my present from him a gift card and he couldnt find the teddy bear he bought me.. but heres the thing ive been telling him to give me the same action I give him so I can experience how it feels (I havent evern been oraled before) and I want him to pleaseure me by oral I told him I want him to do the same thing I do to him... so yestarday he didn't even really touch me and I ended up giving him a blowjob and thats it.. its not the first time ive asked him to...
also, what struck me he had a hard past.. and he said you dont even know how hard my past is... like is that normal to say to someone?
The Answer
It's normal to say when you are a self absorbed whiner.
Look, you aren't very impressed with your boyfriend. The only things you've mentioned here are things he has done wrong, and ways in which you are feeling neglected. Regardless of your reasons for wanting oral sex, or what is "fair", or how hard his past was... Beyond all of those issues is his general carelessness and your sexual dissatisfication.
And that is a good sign that you are not compatible romantically or sexually.
When the first things that come to your mind are the ways he's screwed up -- then you are probably not getting what you need.
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The Question
A few of my close friends have started drinking and hooking up with random people at parties & they're only 16, yet i'm totally against it because i have my own morals and i have made pledges to myself for certain reasons. But now they exclude me by not inviting me to things and such because i"m ultimately not "cool" enough because i don't drink and stuff. my best friend has ditched me for another one of my friends because she is in to drinking and thought she got pregnant. I've never dissed them for what they do, i just don't do it and they respect that. but it doesn't mean they have exclude me from everything? Please help, i don't know what to do ???
The Answer
Hun, of course they had to ditch you! No matter how polite and respectful you were, you were still a constant reminder that they were behaving like morons.
Also, you are being excluded from things they probably think you don't want to be a part of. And they are probably right.
Do you want to hang out with girls who only every talk about their sexual activities and drama? Right now you are lonely and hurting, but I promise you, it would get old really fast.
You've drifted apart. It happens. It's sad and hurts, but it happens. If you want to maintain a friendship, call one or two of them up and invite them to a non-drinking thing: a movie or a concert and enjoy their each others company in a way you can all enjoy.
But also start looking for other friends. You just don't have a large enough number of things in common with these people anymore.
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The Question
Hi, my friend and I want to start a babysitting business and we need some tips on how to convince our parents that we're old enough to become babysitters. We also could use some ideas for a name, price(we are planing on becoming certified babysitters).
Help would be greatly appreciated.
I am 12 and my friend is 11.
The Answer
Getting certified first would likely increase your parents confidence in you.
However, you are too young. Where I live, unless you were babysitting your siblings or a family members, the parents who hired you could get in legal trouble. Where I live, people must be 13 years old before they are considered legally old enough to have other people's children left in their care.
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The Question
I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex with a woman.talked to my boyfriend about it hie answer was yes but when I called him into the room to come see he rubed her pussy and let her suck his dick without asking me if it was ok. I say it's cheating because I did not give him premission to do anything and it's been over a year and I still hurt behind this
The Answer
Talk to a relationship counselor.
I disagree with DangerNerd on the particulars. Although it's important to examine your own behavoir, and realize you were probably not as clear as you needed to be with him, or this other woman, about what the boundaries and expectations would be, that doesn't mean your boyfriend was correct in his behavoir. He wasn't.
If you were clear that this was about him watching, not about him participating or touching her, then he breached your trust and behaved very badly.
If you weren't as clear as you needed to be, with him and with her, then he was careless and acted in self-interest.
Cheating is too strong a word. Cheating implies deception and lies. He didn't decieve you, he made a poor, insensitive choice. You two weren't on the same page. You have a responsibility to make sure he understand exactly what it was you wanted to do. He had a responsibility to respect both the stated desires, and the implied the ones. Both of you probably fell short.
Adult men are not toddlers. They can be fairly expected not to eat a cake they have been told is not for them. You told him you'd be sharing an experience with another woman. He agreed. That's like telling your him "I baked these cupcakes for my co-workers." and then him eating half of them. It's not cheating, but it is fair to expect him to be more respectful and aware of your needs and intentions.
Go to couples therapy to talk about what happened and how you feel with an impartial mediator. You might consider staying away from the word cheating - he didn't cheat in any real way. What he did do was misread the situation, and breach your trust. You also probably failed to communicate to him (maybe you didn't even really know) exactly what you wanted to have happen.
If either of you want to continue to open up your relationship in anyway, you need to iron out these communications problems.
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The Question
hi, me and my boyfriend have been dating for 1 year now. he's a single father and 30 years old and i'm 2 years younger than him. we love each other a lot. he used to tell me how much he loves and me and wants to be with me. but recently, i argue with him in front of his daughter and he seemed really upset plus he's quick tempered and stubborn unlike me i'm more of a easy going and he didn't like my attitude because i was arguing with him in front of his daughter, and afterwards he wouldn't talk to me when i approached him. i asked him, 'so u don't love me then and he said, oh yeah i love u, but that't it and that's enough. so, guys, what does he actually mean? he still says he loves me. he used to say he misses me a lot but at the moment not often unless i say them first. i just reckon he wants to break up with me. but i don't want to break up with him. please help. thank you guys.
The Answer
Don't argue with him in front of his daughter.
That's a very fair request and you should respect it. Rather than getting insecure and asking the passive aggressive question like "so you don't love me?". Just apologize for your part in the argument.
If you want to be with him, respect the way he wants to parent.
He says he loves you and wants to be with him, trust and respect what he's said. If you are confused about his meaning or his desires, ask him what he thinks and feels (without accusing him or assuming).
You've been together for a while. Relationships that last do also change and evolve over time. You can't fight all change, some of it you need to embrace and see where it takes you.
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The Question
I believe I may of found my biological sister, I am supposed to meet with her sometime next week. Would it be appropriate if I bought her a bracelet or something? I didn't want to be to forward but I also wanted her to have something from me. I wasn't sure if I should go through with it or not. We've been talking online for about a month now and she seems to be pretty cool with the idea of meeting up.
The Answer
In all honesty, I would leave the gift giving until you are certain of the relation. It a nice way to mark the occasion.
If I were in your shoes and felt strongly about it -- I might bring the gift, and then see if it felt appropriate or not during the meeting.
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The Question
I feel like I've been chasing this guy that I've liked off and on for years. He says he likes me, but he likes someone else, or he says he'll take me on a date and that he's not interested in having a relationship right now because he's preparing to go on a mission, but then I find out that he IS in a relationship. Not to mention that he's LIED to me all these years. When I found out about his relationship, I wanted to call him and yell at him and ask him so many questions to why he lied to me again.
I have been thinking about this a lot, and I've come to a decision that I have got to stop chasing him, and just let him come to me if he has a problem. Am I doing the right thing? Thanks!
The Answer
Waiting for him to come to you is not 'done with him'.
You are still hoping he comes back. You are still hoping he'll explain what happened.
That's okay. But when you are really done, you wont be hoping any longer. If you are really done with him, IF he does come to you, you'll send him away.
Nothing he can say will explain what actually happened. Let it go.
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The Question
How can I feel less jealous of my husband and have more fun?
I'm 34 and love my husband. I work 7AM-4PM. My husband works as a clerk at a store from 11AM to 7PM. We have two kids, ages 3yrs and 6 months. Our kids go to a babysitter from 9AM to 4:30PM.
I am constantly jealous of my husband. He uses the 9AM-11AM period of his day to have independent fun. And he gets to socialize all day with his friends and have a pretty casual job.
I love my kids, but taking care of them by myself after work has taxed me all day is a challenge. Taking them with me to socialize or run errands is difficult.
The Answer
Jealousy is often a good clue, not that things are unfair, but that we aren't taking care of ourselves and getting what we need.
Can the kids stay at the baby sisters until 6 or 6:30 once or twice a week? If not, should you be investigating a more flexiable child-care opition for your family?
Is your jealousy of his job related to your dissatisfaction with your own workplace? Should you be looking for a change in employment? Is it connected to feeling he isn't contributing enough to the family with his casual job?
Or is it simply a matter of the 'grass is always greener'?
Can you husband switch up his shifts a few times a month to allow you to go out after work, or take a class or join a club?
Solutions are harder work then feeling jealous, and adding any work right now might feel overwhelming. But there are probably some small things you can do to make sure that you are being taken care of in this situation.
It’s not good for anyone in the family if you are feeling overworked and neglecting your own mental health. Come up with a few reasonable compromises in the short term, and start to think about what needs to change in the long term as well.
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The Question
Hello I want to lose approximately 20 pounds within the next 3 months. I do actively work out about 3 times a week for about 1.5 hours. I have stopped drinking soda all together and i'm working on eating healthy. I was wondering if there was any diet pills that could help me shed the extra pounds? Has anything worked for you? I'm a female if that matters. Thanks and any weight loss tips would be appreciated!!! I do rate thank you everyone.
The Answer
As other people have said: Diet pills are scams. At best, they have really no effect at you. At worst, they are liable to harm you.
Get a good young woman’s multivitamin. It will be a useful support for your body through the lifestyle transition and is always a good idea.
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The Question
I need toloose ten pounds. I was told cutting out carbs and sugar will do the job. So I cut out all carbs and sugar (ill have very minimal amounts)
Its been 3-4 days already and no results. I havnt lost anything ! Not even .1! How is it possible? I cut out carbs and sugar!!! I don't understand and its making me so upset and ruining my self esteem. I want to loose these ten pounds and I'm struggling so much and its not even paying off
The Answer
It takes weeks to see results from most lifestyle changes. The only way you'd see a difference in 3-4 days would be if you were doing something completely moronic - like deliberately starving yourself.
You want to speed up the results - exercise.
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The Question
I am 36 years old and still unmarried. I have good morals and live a family oriented domestic lifestyle. The man I am currently dating is nice but that's about it. He refuses to look for work, while I work and go to school and care for my home and children. He lives off his cousin and most recently joined a rock band at the age of 45. He is now dreaming like a young boy about his music and has now made arrangements to perform in bars. I made it clear to him on several occasions that I do not want to be with a man that hangs out in bars since i live a very domestic lifestyle. He does not care how I feel about the bars and is going to persue his rock n roll fantasy while I struggle as single working mother. it seems very unfair to me. Am I correct to break things off with him and continue to be alone at my age or am I just too cynical about bars and his passion for rock n roll? He has not made any plans with me but seems focused on the band.I fixed dinner tonight after working and going to school and he did not have time to eat the meal I prepared because of the band.
The Answer
He's just not the right partner for you.
You don't need to judge and get angry. He's prefectly entitled to go to bars and be in a band. He's an adult after all. You are simply dating him - you aren't married and he isn't treating this like a long-term, equal partnership. He's 'just dating' you.
If he isn't an adult you want to be in a relationship with, that's fine. Just tell him so.
I think you are too cynical and judgmental when it comes to bars, but that's your right too. And regardless of your opinion of bars, it's obvious that this man isn't the kind of partner you are looking for.
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The Question
If my sisters grandkids doing wrong is it okay for my other sister to get after them.
The Answer
What does your mother say? It's her home. It should be her call.
If this was happening in YOUR home, I would say that you should tell your sister that all small children need to respect the adults in the house -- that includes your teenage daughter.
If this were happening in the home of the children, with their parents present, I would tell you to ask the children's parents what they were comfortable with, and take their opinion over grandma's.
But this is happening in your mother's home, so it's her call to make. If your mother is aware and alert, leave it to her to speak to the children, or not. It's not your battle or your daughter's battle.
Your daughter is a guest. She should speak up only if the children are in danger.
If your mother is not alert or aware enough to stand up for the rules of her home, tell your daughter to only speak up if the children are in danger. It's YOUR job to negotiate the treatment of your mother's things with your sister. You need to step up and let your daughter relax. It's not her job to correct the children or your sister, it's yours.
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The Question
hi, me and my boyfriend been dating 2 years and a half and he has a son with his ex girlfriend and he's in his mid 40's. me, i'm in my early 30's and never been married. he's kind and loving and we both love each other but sometimes when i see talking to his ex whenever he goes pick up and drop his son for a day, i get a little jealous coz he has his son 3 times a week. she just lives 2o minutes away from we live. he was cheated on by his ex, that's why he broke up with her and when i asked him before we started to date he said,'' he and his ex can never happen again.'' but sometimes i just think he still loves her or i don't know. she's a boozer as well. like last time when we were off to drop his son, he found a receipt of shopping in his son's pram and he went on showing me, look, she's still drinks and i told him,' honey, u don't have to care, u just don't care, and he replied,'i don't, i don't anymore.' anyways i felt like he still cares for his ex. it's only me and it was just my thought. nothing has changed coz we love each other so much. we're trying to have a baby as well. so, do guys take their ex even if they're cheated on and when they have a kid together or am i just being paranoid? the more answers the better. thanks.
The Answer
She's the mother of his child. He will also have a closeness with her. He will always 'care' to some extent.
It would take a monster to 'not care' about the mother of your child, and a fellow human being whose life is so intertwined with your own.
So, your boyfriend does care -- to do less would make him heartless monster.
But 'caring' and having romantic feelings for some is very different. After two years together it should be pretty obvious to you that if your boyfriend wanted anything more than friendly co-parenting with her, he would have tried to get that by now.
They are raising a child together. He is always going to care for her well-being to some extent. See it for the blessing and goodness it is. You can be sure, that even if the worst was to happen in your relationship with him, he'd still be a respectful and friendly co-parent.
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The Question
My best friend had expressed fondness for me for a long time and coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship i thought i needed someone who would treat me nicely for once. As soon as we started dating i realized we had zero chemistry. He clearly still had strong feelings for me though. He got super clingy and would show up at my house and text all my friends asking if i said anything about him. I might be a commitment-phobe, but clingy-ness scares me so much and I told him i wanted to just be friends and he wouldn't take my answer seriously. I ran into him again at a bar (pretty sure he followed me there actually) and he told me he couldn't go back to just being friends i told him i couldn't do it anymore. I thought that was that but a mutual friend told me that he continues to tell people we are an item and he plans to stop by my work tomorrow my shift as a surprise. I dont know what to do. I want my FRIEND back and as much as i tell him i only can be friends with him he won't listen. What do I do?
The Answer
He's being an ass and a bad friend. He's disrespecting you.
You've tried to be nice. Now you need to be clear.
"We are not a couple. I do not want to be in a relationship with you. I would like to be your friend, only your friend."
You have to accept that he might not accept that. He might not be willing to be just a friend. And that is really sad, but if that is his choice you need to respect it -- just they way he needs to respect your choices.
This is not commitment phobia on your part. The only thing you are doing wrong is not doing your best to make yourself clearly understood. He is confused and is being creepy. You can't let someone abuse and disrespect you in this way just because you are afraid of hurting their feelings or loosing their friendship. Just be completely honest and direct. It's the kindest thing you can do for him.
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The Question
So, a few weeks ago I met this guy and we clicked from the very beginning. Mentally more than anything honestly. We decided to kinda jump the gun and be with each other, so we would purely be one another's. One weekend a couple of my friends and I went to his place after a bbq to drink and hangout. To summon it up,later in the night, I left to go get smokes and what not down at the 711 and when I got back..one of my friends was sitting on the bed with him and she kinda shot up once I had entered.
I went outside and she followed me, stating that my boy tried kissing her. At that moment I left in a drunken rage, passed out somewhere for a bit, and came back to his place to see him passed out with beer all over his bed. I finally got him to wake up and we talked the rest of the night/morning. He admitted he has a past with cheating and couldn't believe he already fucked up with me. He cried a lot, explained some. I told him in the end he has to prove himself to me, to show I can trust him. I'm giving him a second chance because I've done wrong in the past too when I was drunk, and I never got a second chance. Him having a history is what puts me off, but supposedly "I'm the one who he wants to change for".
After all that, a week or so later he introduced me to a bunch of his friends, including a lot of his family, which meant a lot, seeing how he's actually a very family orientated guy. He also cut back on the drinking for me, like he said he would, since he knows alcohol just doesn't mix well with him, at least too much.
And now, he's out with his family again for 6 days, he took the time off since his mother is visiting from out of state for two weeks. I haven't really heard from him the last two days, and the last day we spoke he was a bit short with me to an extent, he didn't even get back to the last two texts I had sent him.
There's a lot more to be said, but I've already said a lot, I think this guy has a good heart really, or maybe I'm a fool. My mind is spinning, I'm just so tired of head games and heart ache. I need some advice, please.
-Jess
The Answer
Bullshit.
Cheaters don't change for the one awesome person who makes them see the light. They change because they come to a moment in their life where they want to change. Cheaters can change, but they do it for themselves, to get the life they really want, not because they meet the right person.
If he is still getting this drunk and screwing up a week's old relationship it's very unlikely he's reached that moment yet.
You aren't a fool and he probably does have a good heart, but it's a bit unlikely that he is going to behave in accordance with that good heart. Not impossible, but not likely.
Relationships are always about risk. The thing you need to ask yourself is if this risk, the risk of it more likely going badly than well, it one you are prepared to take.
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The Question
Hi there. I could really use some input from people who don't know me or my Girlfriend and won't tell me just what i want to hear.
To begin with, my girlfriend is 18, and I am 20, she's finishing high school this year and will be moving away.
We've been together for 3 months now, and things have been going fantastic, we spend as much time together as possible and just have a lot of fun together, we really care about each other.
Recently I've been having some troubling thoughts about her. The thing is, she is by nature a girl that gets along with guys really easily, and I know that every guy likes to flirt with girls - so when she gets along with a guy he starts to openly flirt with her, which kinda sucks to see happening, but i don't let it get to me.
For her recent birthday, I cooked her a fabulous roast lamb meal, and gave her a white gold necklace with a heart pendant on it, which cost me $260ish. while having this romantic evening, she had a couple of drinks, and thought it would be hilarious to talk to her friends on my facebook account, which was fine. while we were chatting there, she was saying about a party she had the night before, on her friends birthday (also hers) which i was not invited to. basically a few of her friends and some boys all got down to their underwear and got in a bath tub together, (she was not in it) but was making (what i assumed to be) jokes about how they should have invited her. this was kinda the first thing that bit me about that. also she kept telling me about how funny this particular guy was, and she was cooking hilarious things in the kitchen with him (they had all been drinking) and of course the natural thing for a guy to do is get a teency weency bit jealous.
after I was going to take her home that night(back to present time), I noticed she had taken her necklace off to have a shower, but hadn't put it back on, pretending not to see I tried to not let it get to me when she looked at it on the bench and didnt say anything about it. basically she went home without taking it with her.
When i told her today she had forgotten it, and i found it at home, she avoided it completely and talked about something else. after this, i saw she had made her facebook profile picture a photo of her and this other guy in the kitchen, cooking an omelette, and her hand was holding onto his arm.
Am I over reacting to this?
Pease help, I'm quite down in the dumps.
The Answer
You aren't over reacting. Best case senario is that she was being very rude and insensitive. Worse case is that she has already checked out of the relationship.
She's on a different page than you. $260 three months in is a huge expense and she wasn't feeling it.
Again -- the best case is that she didn't notice or understand what was important to you and why. But even in that best case, she isn't a good partner for you.
Personally, I can't see a logical way to think that this relationship isn't over in her mind, based on her behavior towards dinner and the gift.
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The Question
21 female. Boyfriend is 19
I'm not used to being in a relationship. I just recently got my first real boyfriend. I'm an independent person but he treats me like a princess.
The only thing that bothers me is how he ALWAYS has to be by me, touching me, holding me, etc. Sometimes I just want to be like STOP give me space!! I feel like it makes both of us look bad when we're around other people. I absolutely hate people who are all over each other. Plus it makes people feel awkward sometimes and it annoys them not to mention it annoys me also.
Sometimes I'll push him away but then he thinks I'm mad at him or something and he'll be like what's wrong? Or I'll just be like "Don't do that" and he listens for a sec but then starts doing it again.
I don't really know how to bring this up. I don't know how to tell him nicely that I need space sometimes and that I don't want him by me, on me, touching me ALL THE TIME. I'm fine with holding hands if we're walking somewhere or kissing him goodbye but I don't want him to be all over me all the time. And when I try to say it subtle to him he always says like "I can't help it, your too beautiful"
I feel like I can't win. What should I do or say? Any suggestions!!?
The Answer
Don't be subtle. Be gentle and respectful but firm.
"The amount of physical contact you make is too much for me. I feel like you are touching me all the time, and it makes me not want to be touched at all."
Tell him you need his help to fix this, or your relationship will suffer. You can't feel like you at his mercy all the time and not get annoyed with him.
You aren't wrong. This isn't just because you are inexperienced. Unfortunately this is a kind of courtesy and respect boys are not taught -- it takes a while and a few confident girlfriends for many guys to learn how to coexist with their rommantic partner respectfully. He probably honestly thinks that you want this -- he probably honestly thinks that if you don't want him touching you all the time then you must not like him.
He's wrong. Not evil. Just wrong. He isn't aware that he is being impolite to you or others. He doesn't realize that you can still like his touch and like him, and not want to feel like you might be grabbed at any moment.
Correct him, firmly. You can help him by being specific. Please don't touch me when I'm eating, or when I am speaking or someone is speaking to me.
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The Question
i've always wanted to get married in a beautiful cathedral. i found a great church, but i'm not catholic and neither is my fiance. my question is, are we allowed to get married in the catholic church anyway? i don't have to use the priest there, i can use my own pastor if that's the case. i just pretty much want to rent out the cathedral for the day, i'm not looking to have a sacramental catholic wedding. thanks!
The Answer
It depends.
It's really up to each pastor (the leader of a church) and their bishop (the leader of a group of churches in an given area) to decide what they are willing to allow and what they aren’t.
Generally speaking: No. One of you has to be Catholic in order to be married in a Catholic church, by a priest or not.
Some concessions might be made for you IF you are planning a faith-based, or Christian wedding service from another denomination, simply not a Catholic one.
If you are having a purely secular wedding, it's very unlikely they'll rent you the cathedral, but they may. Each area and leaders have their own norms and rules. If you have a cathedral in mind, it can't hurt to ask politely if you can rent it and hold your secular ceremony there.
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The Question
Can I use Grade A maple syrup if I don't have Grade B?
The recipe says use grade A but I dont have that and I couldnt find it in the store
I google this but got no answers
Please don't tell me about how I shouldnt be on this diet is and blah.
I do workout
The Answer
You shouldn't be on this 'diet'. At best, it's a stupid way to lose weight temporarily; at worst it's dangerous. Anyone who answers your question without saying that is doing you a disservice.
It's not even a 'diet' really. It's short-term elective, starvation. If you want to dress it up, you might call it ‘fasting without the spiritual component’.
But the Grade A/Grade B answer is easy:
You should ALWAYS eat Grade B Maple Syrup not Grade A. Grade B is much better for you. It's higher in nutrients like zinc, manganese, potassium, magnesium, iron and calcium. It's also sweeter - I think it's yummier.
It would be slightly less stupid to engage in the master cleanse with Grade B than Grade A. At least you'd be getting a little bit more of what your body requires to function. Of course, you might as well just drink plain water for a few days. It’s almost the same thing. The only thing the master cleanse recipe is designed to do is make you feel less faint and ill, while you starve yourself.
Don't use 'pancake syrup' that's just corn syrup with added sugar.
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