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Working Parents Uneaqual Social Life
How can I feel less jealous of my husband and have more fun?
I'm 34 and love my husband. I work 7AM-4PM. My husband works as a clerk at a store from 11AM to 7PM. We have two kids, ages 3yrs and 6 months. Our kids go to a babysitter from 9AM to 4:30PM.
I am constantly jealous of my husband. He uses the 9AM-11AM period of his day to have independent fun. And he gets to socialize all day with his friends and have a pretty casual job.
I love my kids, but taking care of them by myself after work has taxed me all day is a challenge. Taking them with me to socialize or run errands is difficult.
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Is it possible your husband could take the children to day care later in the morning, say as late as 10:30AM. Then if possible you could pick them up maybe as late as 6PM.
If your husband is unwilling or some how unable to run the errands you run after work. This slight change in schedule would free up some time for you to run the necessary errands without the children in tow and lower your stress rate.
Speaking as a husband who grew up with a mother who did everything and then went in to the military that provided everything. I then went from the military to a civilian life and marriage with no concept of providing for myself. I had to be taught. Sure I knew the basics but I had no concept of how marriages worked beyond the obvious. If this is the case with your husband then the change in schedule will help teach him what some of his other responsibilities are.
In a good marriage communication is also important. One person cannot do all the work while the other relaxes and enjoys themselves. You cannot bottle this up inside you or you will gain resentment for your husband. He needs to hear from you what if anything may be upsetting you. He may not like to hear it, but you need to say it. As I learned, the hard way, marriage is a 50/50 proposition. One person cannot have all the fun while the other person does all the work.
By the way my wife and I just celebrated our 40th anniversary.
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Oh girl! You have just spoken the words every young mother thinks at some point! You are not crazy. Of course it seems quite uneven right now. You feel your husband gets more "free time", and as a mother, "free time" is the Holy Grail. First thing's first - you are not horrible for thinking this way! It is very common. I've been a mom for 10 years now, so I'll just give you my take on it.
-Try not to think of your husband's job in terms of him getting to "have more fun than you"; when you start to feel resentful, remind yourself that you are grateful your husband and partner can make money at a job he doesn't hate going to. Would you feel better if he hated it?Probably not, and chances are he would make life around the house a lot worse if he did hate his job.
-Two hours alone in the morning is nice, but keep in mind he's working into the evening, and he probably doesn't look at it as "fun time", more like personal time to run errands, get things done or just relax before work.
Understandably you are stressed. Work plus 2 small kids is enough to beat even the best mother. But you can take steps to help yourself right now. This is the time in your marriage where you and your husband need to sit down and have an honest conversation about the issues that come with being parents. Tell him how you are feeling. Do this at a time of peace, maybe when kids are in bed or napping. The point is, don't fight about it. This is simply a talk. Write down your points if it will help keep you calm and rational. Try to see if you and he can find a way to build in some "alone time" for you into the schedule. I have a fitness class I attend during the week and I also participate in a Mom's club which meets bi-monthly (MOPS if you are interested;they're International, just look it up) and is a great place to vent and relax with other moms, and we also plan once a month girl's night out. My husband knows these things are important for me to keep my sanity. He doesn't mind adjusting his social schedule to make sure he is here to care for the kids because he knows I feel happier and more rested when I do it. So find something for yourself, and then (and here's the hard part) DO IT. Don't let the guilt of leaving home overwhelm you. In the end you'll find its better for everyone.
Also, talk to him about what he can do to help you with the kids in the evenings and on weekends. He's a guy. Chances are he isn't being mean, he just really doesn't know what needs to be done, and what he can do. If you need him to help more at bedtime or meal time, let him know. If you would like to do more errands w/o the kids, work out a time when he's home from work where you can do your errands in peace, even if it means a late night trip to the grocery store. When you start discussing your frustrations calmly and rationaly I think you'll be surprised at what he is actually willing to do.
Look, the truth is that at this point in your kids' lives they ARE more dependent on you. That's just how it is, so yes, you will be doing more for them than daddy. The good news is that it is only for a season. As they get older he will be able to do more with them and for them and you will find you have more freedom. I promise. Don't forget that you are partners, not enemies. Treat him as your partner. You can get through this together, and the more you work together, the more memories you'll make. Good luck.
Oh yeah, find a babysitter and schedule some date nights. You're not the free and young singles anymore. You have to make time for romance, as unromantic as that sounds. Once a month, every other month, whatever... I promise, it will make a huge difference.
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Jealousy is often a good clue, not that things are unfair, but that we aren't taking care of ourselves and getting what we need.
Can the kids stay at the baby sisters until 6 or 6:30 once or twice a week? If not, should you be investigating a more flexiable child-care opition for your family?
Is your jealousy of his job related to your dissatisfaction with your own workplace? Should you be looking for a change in employment? Is it connected to feeling he isn't contributing enough to the family with his casual job?
Or is it simply a matter of the 'grass is always greener'?
Can you husband switch up his shifts a few times a month to allow you to go out after work, or take a class or join a club?
Solutions are harder work then feeling jealous, and adding any work right now might feel overwhelming. But there are probably some small things you can do to make sure that you are being taken care of in this situation.
It’s not good for anyone in the family if you are feeling overworked and neglecting your own mental health. Come up with a few reasonable compromises in the short term, and start to think about what needs to change in the long term as well.
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