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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I'm 23/female. I got out of a serious long term relationship recently, and am trying to date, but take things slowly. I don't want to have sex till I'm serious about someone, and I really don't think this is such an antiquated concept
I am occasionally somewhat naieve about men, as I'm bisexual and mostly dated one woman for the first part of my life, and then one guy for a long time.
What I want to know, is it natural for all guys to try and push for sex?
I went on a few dates with a couple different people, and even after I said "We arent going to have sex and I don't want to at this point" as we were kissing, they still try and push it in that direction. I slept with neither, obviously, but both situations got a little out of control, from my perspective of things.
Does it make a guy a jerk to push for that? Or is it just natural? I really don't want to have sex for the first few months of dating.
The Answer
Yes, it makes them jerks.
Rape is a natural. Let's be honest - we are all the descendants of rapists. For a long time in human history, rape was a common way for different human cultures and tribes to interact. They have something you want? Get your buddies together and kill the men, rape the women.
Murder is also natural; along with cancer and bacteria that slowly eats you alive. Nature is a bitch. A lot of what is ‘natural’ is absolutely unethical and not okay.
Doesn't matter if it's 'natural' for men to desire and pursue sex. It's not acceptable behaviour, and you don't have to accept it. Men are not useless toddlers who cannot control themselves. They are adults who can be fairly expected to hear what you say, and respect it.
It's never a bad idea to look at your own behaviour and think of how you can be clearer in what you are communicating. Saying "I won’t have sex with you." but it might help you to weed out the assholes a bit better if you are a bit more specific about your boundaries. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't see oral sex as sex and might genuinely not get the full extent of your meaning. Be a bit more precise, like "I will not have sex with you, and no clothing is coming off, at all." might help.
The one thing you can be certain of is that these guys are not the one for you. Tell them they are behaving like jerks, leave or kick them out, and move on.
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The Question
My roommate in college is one of my friends. I've known her for 5 years and we get along okay. The only thing that bothers me about her is that she is such a huge flirt. She constantly flirts with guys and gets their numbers and then brags about it. She has been dating this guy Nick for a year now. Well we have been living in college for a week now and she's already got a few guys numbers and hung out with them several times. This isn't just a "friendly" thing... I know my friend. If she hangs out with a guy she likes, she makes sure she looks perfect. Meaning, she spends hours on hair and make up. So this isn't a friendly thing she's doing..
Its gotten so bad that one time this hot guy walked by and she was like "damnn! why am I still dating my boyfriend? there are plenty of other hotter guys out there!" So obviously she doesn't love her boyfriend.
It really bothers me that she has a boyfriend, but yet treats him this way by flirting with other guys. I don't know if I should stay out of it and not cause drama between her (also consider she is my roomie so if we had a fight, I would have to deal with her constantly) or should I tell her boyfriend about this??
The Answer
You should not tell her boyfriend about it. Unless he is a dear, close friend of yours.
You just haven't the right to do that to her.
You should tell her to dump the poor guy all ready.
You should tell her you don't like watching her carry on and comment about all these guys while some poor joe back home still thinks she wants to be with him. You can tell her it makes you unhappy and feel awkward. You can tell her it sucks to be around someone who you know is leading someone else on, because it does.
Don’t tell her what she feels. Don’t tell her she doesn’t love her boyfriend - she might honestly care for him, but her behaviour means she can’t be with him, and she needs to recognize that.
When she makes comments about other guys, or heads out with other guys, tell her “Are you single? ‘Cause if you aren’t single I don’t want to hear about.” You don’t have to listen to her go on if you don’t want too.
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The Question
hi my boyfriend ejaculated in me 6 or 7 times but i got period, STILL. does this mean am i infertile or something else? i'm 34 and my boyfriend is 41. i'm not on a pills. we both want to have a baby. thanks you guys.
The Answer
Go see a doctor.
You are 34. You may very well still be fertile, but it is normal for conceiving to become more difficult as you age.
Speak to a doctor for personalized advice and information.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We've been very happy. We each have our own child. I have a daughter, he has a son. Recently I took a few home pregnancy tests, they all came back positive, and tomorrow I'm going to get blood tests and blah blah hospital pregnancy testing crap. I already know that I'm pregnant, I just have to do that crap for insurance reasons. Well, my boyfriend use to tell me he would be happy to have a child with me. But as time went on, we both agreed we were fine with the children we already have. So after time he was "I don't want anymore kids" and blah blah. I was wanting a way or some kind of advice on how to "break the news" to him. And yes, I know the stupid crap "If you didn't want to have kids then you should have done this" Well I did do this and that. Birth Control Pills, Spermicides, the pull out method, and well.. Guess what? Yeah, so don't give me that stupid "if you didn't want one, you should of..." BLAAAH I don't care. Ok? I just want simple and straight to the point advice. He's of course dominant and I'm the submissive type. SO I suppose help from a dominant male/female in a relationship would be most appreciated.
The Answer
Just fucking tell him.
You are over thinking it. Don't worry about him being 'dominant'. He chooses to have sex with you - he is not a moron - he knew the risks involved with that. One of them is pregnancy. It's not your fault. It's not something you can apologize for.
"I don't want any more kids" is a nice opinion, but it doesn't change the physical reality of human bodies anymore than "I don't want to have cancer, or a broken leg, or blue eyes!" is going to change the physical reality here.
You are obviously capable of telling people here online not to treat you like crap and say "Blah Blah Blah don't have sex!" Take that power of stating the fucking obvious and tell your boyfriend "Guess what. We're pregnant!”
And yeah - he’ll be a bit upset and shocked. YOU were probably a bit upset and shocked when you found out. The only difference there is that you get to have your initial reaction privately, and the male in the relationship has to look you in the eye with his first reaction to the news. You know it might not be positive, give him a few seconds, or a few minutes, to have a genuine - albeit respectful and non-violent - response to the news.
If he uses his ‘dominant’ attitude to be a dickwad and blame you or judge you for this fact, put him in his place. Tell him what he all ready knows: Birth Control isn’t 100%, and if he thinks he can blame you for this then he’s a disrespectful asshole who obviously doesn’t know you very well.
You may be submismive, but you aren’t stupid. You know what is right and what is true. You are pregnant. That’s true. He needs to know. That’s right. Take it from there.
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The Question
Well I made a very big mistake and I slept with one of my teachers at the university.he is married and he has one kid.I know where his house is.well I was trying to stop the sex so I didn't go to his office anymore and he kinda found out and he accused of me being a pervert girl that goes around to be with guys.(while this is actually the first time in my life sleeping with a married man).and he broke up with me!!!!and let me tell you though he didn't even help me a little bit when he wanted to give the grades last semester and i got an A my self!.now i am so pissed at him and i want to black mail him that if he doesn't give me a good grade this semester I will tell his wife about our relation ship.I know that what i did was wrong but he had no right to accuse me as a slut!!I mean this relation ship had nothing for me!!and I am mad as hell!!I need help!How do i black mail him??
The Answer
So, you want to take a HUGE mistake you made, and make it worse by doing something illegal as well?
Extorting him and blackmailing him is illegal. It's a crime. It's also academic dishonesty and will get you kicked out of school.
Don't be an idiot. You screwed up and fucked a cheating asshole. It was a mistake, but now is the time to walk away, not double down.
You could tell the school. That would likely get him disciplined, maybe fired.
If you don't want to that, then you need to let it go. He had to think of you as a slut -- it's the only way he can pretend that he wasn't any abusive lying asshole who took advantage of one of his students. He called you names to avoid accepting the horrible thing he had done.
Ignore him and just do the work. Unless he is a total idiot, he already knows that if he comes after your grades you could reveal what happened. He would loose his job, and it would hurt his marriage. You don't have to tell him this. He knows.
Do your work. Earn your A and leave this disaster in your past. In the future, behave better, and you will likely get treated better.
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The Question
My girlfriend is so bipolar its ridiculous. I'm not sure if she actually has these mood swings or if she just acts like it to get a reaction out of me. its so random, we'll be talking about something and she will all of a sudden say bye or i don't wanna be with you anymore when an hour earlier she was saying how she wants to be with me forever and wouldn't leave me for the world. She says some mean stuff when she gets that way and i just ignore it and don't say anything back. i'm sick of her doing it and breaking up with me 50 times a day but i don't know how to get her to stop. i feel like if i broke up with her because of it she wouldn't try to get me back she would be ok with it because she always says i deserve better than her and if i left her i'd be better off. I want to be with her so badly but i can't deal with these mood swings all the time they are ridiculous
The Answer
Bipolar mood disorder is a serious mental illness that is a characterized by HUGE rises and falls that take places over months or weeks, not several times a day. It's not just being moody or being bitchy. Please don't call describe her as bipolar -- it's like calling someone a retard -- it's not accurate or respectful.
Your girlfriend might be mentally ill, but she probably isn't bipolar.
She also isn't very nice. She uses emotional ploys to bully you and keep you anxious. That sucks.
Why do you want to be with her?
Ask her to stop it. Tell her it's not cool. Tell her it will scare you off if she keeps breaking up with you randomly -- because that's the truth. No one can live with that shit. Don't call her names, or tell her she is ridiculous. That's not nice either. But do tell her that you won't be able to make it work if she continues on like this.
If she can't stop, then you aren't the right partners for each other.
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The Question
would u really think it would be ok if i let my dog eat me out?
The Answer
No. It's animal abuse. It's absolutely and completely not okay.
Your dog doesn’t understand what is happening. It can't consent to having sexual contact with you. You are taking advantage of its trust and your control over its life. It’s a monstrous and cruel thing to do to an animal.
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The Question
I have been sexually harrassed and i want to talk to ther girls who have similar experince with me
when i was on the bus there was a boy thrown condom at me first it looked like a balloom it wasnt. when i was in the swimming pool there is a boy grab my breast and bottom i told him to stop but he doesnt stop. when i got on taxi. taxi driver masturvate infront of me . i dont know how to deal with it and i want to know how it make them to stop
The Answer
On the bus you speak to the bus driver and complain about the harassment from the boy.
In a swimming pool you leave the pool and report the behaviour to the lifeguard or operator of the public pool.
In the cab you yell at him, tell him to pull over, record his licence plate or driver ID and report him to both his taxi company AND to the police.
Sexual harassment is wrong, and it’s impossible for young women to protect themselves from it all the time. No matter how perfectly you dress or behave, there are people who might harass you. The best thing you can do is embarrass them and report them. Sexual harassment continues, and harasser move on to the next victim. The best thing you can do for yourself and every other woman these men run into is report their behaviour to authorities, and if those authorities don’t take you seriously, keep at them until they do.
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The Question
Why do men feel the need to lie about infidelity if she already knows what happened? Does this mean there is much more similar activity that the wife might not know about?
The Answer
Why does a child lie about having taken a cookie?
There are no easy answers here. Did they take more than one cookie? Do they plan in taking more cookies? Do they think if they just keep denying it they'll make people doubt thier guilt? Did all thier friends take cookies too so they think it's okay? Do they feel entitled to the cookie and don't care that they were told no? Did they also take a chocolate bar?
You CAN'T know based only on the face that he lied, and keeps on lying. You just can't know what else is going on based on that alone. It might have only been what the wife knows about - and he just has balls of steal and thinks if he keeps denying it it will all turn out okay. It might be that the wife has found only the tip of the iceberg.
You have to decide what you can live with based on what little you do know and accept you'll probably never know the full truth of what another person has done or felt.
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The Question
After a year of not so promiscuous promiscuity I was told that I had. and treated for, Chlamydia in April. I'm all clear and dandy now, but I've been panicking because I have to get my yearly blood test soon and I'm scared I might have HIV. I have been with the same partner for 8 months and he was a virgin before me and he assures me that if I have HIV - which means he also has it - we will be there for each other. This doesn't help. I panic at the thought of even getting tested because I'm scared to find out the results. What should I do?
The Answer
Does your yearly blood test include HIV screening? Most don't. Were you screened for HIV when you were diagnosed with chlamydia? A full STI test is normally standard follow up when you have a positive diagnosis of one...
You should ask. If it doesn't, you should get screened for HIV in addition to your normal blood test.
The worst thing you could do is get so scarred and stressed that you never find out. It's scary to call up the doctor, but you really need to make certian your blood test Includes HIV screening.
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The Question
You know i use to think i had everything figured out for my own good but looks like this is just something i need alot of answers. Heres my situation: Me and my boyfriend have been dating almost a year next month. And we went on a break not too long ago like late july. Well...on his birthday july 23rd he invited me and i rode with him to his party. It was me and him and my best friend his brother sister and the rest of his family. then he invites this girl. Who he had apparently grown to like on our break. well that hurt my feelings because we were suppose to be working on "us." but we got back together shortly. and now that we're dating i told him to lose contact with her. and a couple times hes slipped up and texted her and stuff.Well so yesterday and today she went to cvs where he works and bought things like a drink and stuff. And i told him i was going to text her, "Theres a walgreens across the street." she doesnt have my number and its not even mean. But he flips out telling me not to do that or hell be pissed. and then i said ok im just going to ask her if yall still talk. And he said DO NOT DO THAT. and a bunch of bull about he doesnt want me to texting her and i should trust him. But if he isnt talking to her shouldnt he not worry about me asking if they are?....
The Answer
You are out of line. Suggesting you might text her like that was petty, obsessive and just plain rude. Your boyfriend was perfectly reasonable to be shocked and embarrassed by the idea you might behave that way. It absolutely would have been mean. Frankly, in his place, if you had actually done that I would have dumped you on the spot. I don't want that kind of crazy in my life.
Would you want your boyfriend texting one of your friends and being a rude asshole? Probably not.
The truth of the universe is this:
Cheaters cheat. If someone wants to cheat it doesn't matter if you throw fits, extract promises, obsess and micro manage their entire life - it won't matter. Someone who wants too or is willing to cheat, will cheat.
Someone who doesn't want to cheat, won't. Not even if the girl/guy of their dreams throws themselves at em.
So stop treating your boyfriend like crap. If you think he'll cheat, break up with him. If you what to be with him, that means respecting and trusting him to not cheat, even if he has a friend he had or has an attraction too.
I trust my boyfriend could sleep naked beside the hottest woman on the planet and not touch her, because he's not an animal, he's a human being who can make choices. He could choose to cheat -- I trust he won't.
You might still get betrayed and hurt. That's just life. That is the risk we take when we let someone in.
Take the risk, honestly and completely, with respect for your partner. If you can't trust and respect this guy, then he's not the right partner for you.
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The Question
Can anyone give me advice on my hair coz I was wondering if I can go swimming tomorrow in the local swimming pool. But ive bleached my hair blonde yesterday night. I what to know if it will turn green or if anything will happen?? please help me!!
The Answer
No one can tell you EXACTLY what will happen -- but I was always taught not to expose freashly dyed or bleached hair to clorine for at least 3 days.
So, I wouldn't do it.
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The Question
My dad always complains about food going too quickly. I'm slightly overweight, and I'm super self concious. I don't like eating in front of people or people knowing that I ate because I feel like they're judging me. I told my dad and he said that he doesn't mean anything by saying I eat too much, and that parents always complain, but it still bothers me when he says it. How can I get over it and make myself not care when he says that ?
The Answer
Well, the first thing I would do in your place is not let my dad off the hook that easily.
You turn to him and say "You might not mean anything by it, but it still really hurts. Weight is a tough issue for me, and most young girls are really sensitive about it, so even thought you don't MEAN anything by it, please, as a favor to me, stop it."
And then you follow up. When he makes a comment, without whinning or crying, tell him "Dad, ouch! That hurts."
It's a good idea to work on having a thicker skin, but there is really no trick to that -- you just have take a deep breath and let things go. However, you should also be able to tell your dad when he offends you.
My dad used to always say "Hey have you lost weight?" I had to loose it on him a few times before he stopped, but he did stop, because even though he meant well - even as a compliment - I often had gained weight, and his comments made me feel like shit.
Most dads don't want to make their daughter's feel bad or ashamed, you just have to point out calmly and constantly that his comments aren't funny, and are upsetting you. It's not he's being bad or mean necessarily, just that you are asking him to respect a sensitive issue for you.
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The Question
My son's father and I recently had a bad break up. He is very emotionally abusive. Not only does he say things about me but my family also. He gets so angry that he has told me the worst things anybody can say to you.Im scared that he is going to come back and think everything is okay, this is what he usually does. I don't want him back anymore because I know that he will never change. I also feel bad for my son he is only 4 months old and he is my pride and joy. I just don't want him to think that I couldn't keep his dad around because he was rude to my family. I know he will be coming for his stuff in a couple of days. I just don't know how to handle the situation if he comes back and wants to work things out?
The Answer
If this man is abusive AND you know that you don't want him back... Then it doesn't really matter if he wants toworkthings out. You don't. So you say no.
'Keeping his dad around' is very different than staying in a relationship with him. You have a responsibly to your son to encourage and allow his father too be in his life. You don't owe it to your son to be miserable and fake being in love with his dad. Children don't want their parents to be miserable.
If you are honest with your son, and respectful and encouraging of his relationship with his father, then he's very unlikely to resent you when he is older.
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The Question
My boyfriend has had a mustache since we've been together. And now he's thinking about shaving it, and I don't want that at all. What can I do to make him decide to keep it. ?
The Answer
Tell him you like it.
Everything else is his choice, but you can always be honest with him.
It's just hair anyways - short hair. It will grow back if he feels he made a mistake in shaving it off.
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The Question
19/M
I have this friend who is two years younger than. He is really cute, and I had a huge crsuh on him for a while, but he told me that he was straight so I just dropped it. Well, our conversations are almost always about sexual topics. We have talked about a lot of things. And he asked me to send him a pic of myself. And he knows I am gay, and I was just joking and said "Do you want me to be naked with a boner? Lol!" And his reply was "Kinda." And I was just thrown for a loop. I mean, I sent him one and he said he was going to use it to masturbate with, and I jokingly asked him for a nude shot and he just went with it and sent me a nude of himself with an erection. I was so stunned! I mean, I liked what I saw and it made me kinda start to think I should try to talk to him. Then I asked him, "Ok, I have asked you this before, but are you into guys?" And he replied, "No, it is just what I jack off to. I am not into guys, it just what I like to jack off to." And then he went to bed. I am so confused by all of this. He is a cute sweet guy and we have the same morals. I want to pursue a relationship with him, but he says that he is straight, he just likes to jack off to guys. I am so confused by all of this! Any advice??
The Answer
He probably doesn't know.
Or he might know, one way or the other, and just be screwing with you for fun.
However, a guy who says to you or to the world, that he is straight, is not one you can possibly have a relationship with. Doesn't matter so much what 'the truth' is, or how sweet and compatible you feel you are. If that is what he says, then the only possible outcome is heartbreak and embarrassment for you.
Look elsewhere for romance. This guy is either not interested, not ready, or is seeking to mindfuck you for his own entertainment. Doesn't matter which of the three it is: None of them is worth the risk to your heart.
It doesn't sound like you know him well enough to have a 'serious confrontation' with him about his sexuality. He doesn’t sound open to any deep or genuine discussions of his sexuality. It also sounds like this is a predominately or solely online friendship - which is something you should always be sceptical of.
Be wary. Very wary. At best, this is the behaviour of a confused boy who doesn’t know better. At worse, it’s the behaviour of an online collector and user.
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The Question
Okay, so I was hunting around and I discovered these totally adorable dolls! They're by far better than Barbie! They look so realistic! They're just so beautiful and I want one so badly, but they're so expensive ):! I'm trying to get a job to afford one, so I decided to check out the websites that sell them, but none of them make any sense when it comes to ordering the parts. As in the heads, wigs, clothing. I know they're made in Asia, but are there any sites that look more official and are in English? And has anyone else heard of these dolls? Is there anymore information on them other than just how they look?
The Answer
Most ball-jointed dolls are very expensive - they are very detailed with many different parts and endless variations and customizations. However, there are lots of other brands besides migidolls.
Dolfie (a Japanese made brand) is probably the best known of the modern Asian ball-jointed dolls (or ABJD, if you want to do your own google research) but even they will cost you around $150 - $200 just to get started. If you are willing to buy second hand, you'll have a better chance looking at Dolfies.
Migidolls are mid to upper end dolls made in Korea. You'll find dolls a bit cheaper than them, and a lot that are much more expensive (for example, Dollshe makes male dolls - I think that is all they make - and they start around $600).
Check out wikipedia's entry and look up some of the other companies/communities for ABJDs.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ball-jointed_doll
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The Question
I'm not racist by any means, but the area we live in is very much a white place. My daughter, 18, has begun to see a young man who I believe is in his early 20's. He seem's nice enough, he works and treats her well but he is an immigrant from the Caribbean, and we all have heard the stories about these types of men, I don't mind her being friends with him but I think she should not be seeing him on an intimate level, how can I tell her to not be with him without her resenting me? I am currently the only person she has told within the family about their relationship and if others find out I'm afraid they will disown her.
The Answer
I'm sorry to say, but if his race is the sole reason you feel he is an acceptable friend, but an unworthy romantic partner - that is the very definition of racism. Racism isn't just about hating people, or killing them, or not letting them vote.
You are using his race as the primary or only is determinant of his traits and worthiness. That's racism. It just is.
And it happens. It's not a good thing, but we are all prone to it sometimes. We're all a little bit racist. We are all more comfortable with what seems 'usual' and 'common' to us.
But you need to understand what is happening here and accept and admit to yourself:
You are experiencing a racial bias against this man. It is not rational, and it not right to use your racial fear against him.
He is just as likely to be a good person, or a bad person, as anyone else your daughter meets in her life. That's the truth. The stories you've heard are just stories. The truth is that skin color doesn't determine a person's character or their worthiness.
Frankly, she's 18 years old. You can't tell her not to be with him. She will resent you, and if you tell her you disprove of him based only on his race and cultural background, she will call you a racist and she'll be right.
Be patient and respectful. Listen to her and pay attention. You can, without judgement or threats, help her to understand that even though they are wrong - her other members of her family will be upset - because they are racist. There will be consequences for acting in accordance with her own opinions and beliefs. Frankly, if you can truly respect her choice, you might even help her when it comes time to talk to others.
We all make choices in life. Sometimes our children makes choices that make us uncomfortable. But that doesn't necessarily make our children's choices wrong, and right or wrong, they deserve some respect.
So back off. Speak up if you see him treat her poorly, or if you have concerns about things he does, not the race he is.
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The Question
I'm M/16. I think I'm becoming very unhealthy. This summer I have been eating like a pig, lots of bacon, hot dogs, lots of burgers. I've also been eating a lot of McDonalds. Not every day though, every couple of days. I don't like going out to stay in shape because its way too hot. I usually go for long bike rides. Once a month I go for long jogs, last month I did 12 laps without stopping & this month I did 20. But I've definitely gained weight this summer and I want to go back to school in shape. Are there any quick ways to lose about 5 lbs.? Any type of work outs that don't require a machine? I don't know much about working out and calorie stuff.
The Answer
You are sixteen years old. ALL you have to do is stop eating the junk food. If you do that, and keep up your normal level of activity, the weight will probably just fall off.
That won't be true for the rest of your life, but at sixteen you can probably just eat better, and see results within a few weeks.
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The Question
If you are going to be mean with all do respect dont answer.
im 16 years old and im from egypt, im not obese at all, im slightly overweight.. but ive been wanting to get on the biggest loser ever since i saw the show.. and i would do anything to be on that show, is there any possible way i can enter the biggest loser seeing how im from egypt and im not very obese ? =/ or is there no chance and i should drop it.. it means alot to me as stupid as it may sound , i realllllly wanna get in :(, thanks for your help.
The Answer
I can see why you'd want to be on that show. It's one of the few responsible ones out there.
However, I think you need to give up.
First off, you aren't morbidly obsese. To make for good drama, the stakes have to be high. That's part of why the show casts people whose weight is endangering their lives and health.
Secondly, you have to be an American citizen. They aren't going to take the risk of placing a someone who is not an American on that show -- not only would there be huge legal issues, but it would be a lawsuit waiting to happen!
There are camps and teams you can get together with to work on your diet and exercise with to keep you motivated. You should look for a group in area that is like that.
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