|
How can I tell her to leave him?
I'm not racist by any means, but the area we live in is very much a white place. My daughter, 18, has begun to see a young man who I believe is in his early 20's. He seem's nice enough, he works and treats her well but he is an immigrant from the Caribbean, and we all have heard the stories about these types of men, I don't mind her being friends with him but I think she should not be seeing him on an intimate level, how can I tell her to not be with him without her resenting me? I am currently the only person she has told within the family about their relationship and if others find out I'm afraid they will disown her.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I've heard some pretty bad things about white men too, strangely enough.
You have absolutely no legitimate reason for being against your daughter's boyfriend. You said yourself he is nice and treats her well, so where's the issue? I can name thousands and thousands of men of ALL RACES who I've heard 'stories' about. I'm sure as hell not going to write off an entire race based on the actions of a minority of individuals.
Seeing as you don't consider yourself racist, it shouldn't be an issue for you to ignore the bigoted opinions of your family and neighbours should it?
Incidentally, I dated a black guy of Caribbean descent for a year and he was by far the most caring, kind and intelligent boyfriend I have had.
]
You're being racist and you should shut the fuck up and support your daughter. If he's a mistake it's because he's a bad individual not from a bad race and she has every right as an 18 year old adult to find out for herself. If he is a decent guy and they work well together you should stand up beside her to the rest of your apparently bigoted family and try to shoehorn in some tolerance there.
Sorry for the coarse language but your attitudes are straight up offensive.
For the record I'm a white male.
:Edit:
Also because literally the only generalization I've ever heard about Caribbean men is that they're great in bed, if this is about sex you also need to accept that your 18 year old woman wants to get laid just like you did/do.
]
You're a xenophobe who is more concerned with what the neighbors will say than a person's content.
If he treats your daughter well and has a regular job (and by the way, Caribbean folks are famous for their work ethic) then you need to butt out. If this relationship turns out to be a mistake then don't pull the "I told you so" thing, just listen to what she has to say and then ask her what she learned from the experience. Don't get into any headbutting over her being in the relationship. She needs to cut the cord with mommy anyway, so she is just going to have to make her own way since she is an adult now.
So relax and give them both a chance.
]
It sounds to me that you need to give him a chance. I don't know if you've seen the two together, but I think that you should allow him to come and get to know the family, and hang out with them. You just might feel more comfortable once you actually get to know him. If you don't like him after you learn more about him, then you should let your daughter know how you feel about him. Not knowing how she'll respond toward that, just be there for her, and give her time to let that sink in.
Hope I helped. Good luck!
-Kaylie
]
You can't. If you do anything of the sort it will only result in her being more determined to stay with him. Swallow your pride and your prejudices and support her for as long as she needs it. If your racial biases turn out to be true, she'll need her family for support. If they turn out to be untrue, you'll have learned an important lesson in life and also will have made a new friend from a different culture. You say he seems nice and treats her well and works. All you have to go on is what you know of him so far... and so far it all sounds good. I know its hard to change, but maybe this is a good time in your life to take this as an opportunity to learn something. Don't brush the guy off just because of his race. I know you say you're not racist, but I'm afraid that is actually the very definition of racism. If you don't want to be a racist, sit back and let this one go. Observe, support, but do you best not to judge. Try to look at him more as an individual than a representative of an entire race of people. Whatever happens after that, you'll always have the luxury of knowing you gave the guy a fair shake.
]
I'm sorry to say, but if his race is the sole reason you feel he is an acceptable friend, but an unworthy romantic partner - that is the very definition of racism. Racism isn't just about hating people, or killing them, or not letting them vote.
You are using his race as the primary or only is determinant of his traits and worthiness. That's racism. It just is.
And it happens. It's not a good thing, but we are all prone to it sometimes. We're all a little bit racist. We are all more comfortable with what seems 'usual' and 'common' to us.
But you need to understand what is happening here and accept and admit to yourself:
You are experiencing a racial bias against this man. It is not rational, and it not right to use your racial fear against him.
He is just as likely to be a good person, or a bad person, as anyone else your daughter meets in her life. That's the truth. The stories you've heard are just stories. The truth is that skin color doesn't determine a person's character or their worthiness.
Frankly, she's 18 years old. You can't tell her not to be with him. She will resent you, and if you tell her you disprove of him based only on his race and cultural background, she will call you a racist and she'll be right.
Be patient and respectful. Listen to her and pay attention. You can, without judgement or threats, help her to understand that even though they are wrong - her other members of her family will be upset - because they are racist. There will be consequences for acting in accordance with her own opinions and beliefs. Frankly, if you can truly respect her choice, you might even help her when it comes time to talk to others.
We all make choices in life. Sometimes our children makes choices that make us uncomfortable. But that doesn't necessarily make our children's choices wrong, and right or wrong, they deserve some respect.
So back off. Speak up if you see him treat her poorly, or if you have concerns about things he does, not the race he is.
]
More Questions: |