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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
this girl is ALWAYS staring me down. shes a wannabe bad ***. she stares me down, gives me cold looks,and shes always talking about me , I hear her all of the time, shes not a good whisperer. She talks about me to her friends and they don't even talk about me or have a problem with me. I am not a mean person at all, I don't fight and argue with people and I have no idea why this girl doesn't like me. She gets mad when her friends come over and talk to me. It really gets on my nerves cuz I take 3 classes with her and shes always staring me down and giving me mean looks. I have never done anything to her and I overhear her all of the time talking about me to somebody, I hear her every time. She gets pissed when her friends talk to me and I overheard her telling them she doesn't like when they talk to me. I cant stand it when I walk into class and shes staring me down and giving me mean looks, its annoying and shes been doing it all school year. im not good at confronting people, I don't like arguing and fighting. I Have never been a b**ch to anyone lol. please help. what should i say/do?
The Answer
Keep on ignoring it.
It's clear that even her friends think she is being bat-shit, since they are still talking to you. You might ask one of them what is going on with her, but ignoring it is probably your best bet. This girl is just making herself look silly. If you start confronting her, you'll look just as silly.
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The Question
I'm in a long term relationship with a guy I love completely. Thing is, in the past handful of years I haven't thought of anyone else but him until now. I've developed a crush on a co-worker and I let him and my boyfriend know. Re-read that, my boyfriend knows. And he's cool with it in that he isn't threatened by it and trusts me to respect him and our relationship.
Now this co-worker's just recently started seeing another co-worker and she seems to have found out and told another co-worker about it and is having "words" with other co-workers about me without talking to me. High school, am I right? Let's call my crush A, his girl B, and the other co-worker C.
Now C asks me if I'm still with my boyfriend and other related questions. Any and all interaction with B after my conversation with C was just subtle cruelty. She started alluding to me being a slut, that my legs are always open because I'm a slut, you get it? I'm a slut! She would give me rude faces, "punch" me in the gut, verbally show disgust with me saying things like "Ew" when she passed me. I overheard her and another girl talking about how I'm ugly and yet they act sweet-as-sugar to my face. C hasn't spoken to me since our conversation about my boyfriend and B has just been straight up two-faced. She's posting a lot of "Me and A" type things on Facebook and I get it, he's taken, she's his, she's won. Whatever.
Thing is, I. Don't. Want. This boy. She can keep him. I have feelings I do not want and I expressed them to her man because I don't keep things to myself well. It would've come out sooner or later and I figured now would be better than when he's really serious with her. The only guy I want is the guy I'm with right now. No doubt about that, but I'm getting the feeling that she's telling everyone at work about my "involvement" with her and her guy.
I'm not warmly received when I come into work like I usually am. No one's there to tell me goodbye when I leave. And the slut "jokes" are starting to get to me. I'm not trying to steal her guy, but she's acting all alpha about it. I realize now that I should have kept the crush knowledge between me and my boyfriend and left my crush out of the situation as this whole drama-fest wouldn't have happened.
How does one react in this situation? I get I'm the bad guy here. I just want this all to stop. What can I do?
The Answer
Ignore it, or look for a new job?
You are right: You should have kept your crush to yourself. It was drama-seeking to share that kind of information with a guy when you had absolutely no intention of ever acting on it - and you got drama.
You aren't 'the bad guy' but you gave a bunch of near-strangers ammunition against you - for no reason - and one of them used it.
You can ignore the lot of them until it blows over, or you can look for another job.
It will probably blow over, sooner or later, especially if you hold your cards close to your chest. If the name-calling crosses the line to overt, you could take it to a supervisor, but your best bet, if you feel the environment is poisoned, a new job might be the best.
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The Question
Ok so i had unprotected sex last thursday. Not this thursday but the last one. And i took plan B on sat morning. I took one at 3pm then 12 hrs later the other pill. My friend said that im supposed to get my period in the next 3 days and its now sunday. Like a week and a day has gone by and still no period. Whats going on? Does plan B ever fail? I mean my friend took it and she got her period 3 days later. So thats getting me really nervous ...
20 F.
The Answer
Your friend was wrong. You might experience spotting, or a very light period when your next one comes, but it doesn't need to happen 'three days later'. That was just her experience.
Plan B doesn't always work, and it becomes less and less likely to work the longer you leave it. Thursday to Saturday was a long time to wait. It's recommended you take Plan B as soon as possible - it's most effective if taken within 12 hours.
If you still have the information that came with your pills, you should read it all carefully, that will help answer some of your questions.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We are both scorpions, which makes arguments really crazy at times. We like to fight till we win. So last week we got in an argument because he heard a message where my friend and I were making fun of a guy that was drunk. He would not take the time to listen to me to at least hear my side of the story. Instead he was busy creating his own theories of what happened. I tried to let him know that I also wanted a chance to speak but he kept on going so I told him that if I can't talk he can't either. I started blocking my ears and he got so angry that he pushed my head and it hit the window to the side. I was so shocked!!!!! By the way this was in the car. I got a hold of my purse but then he kept driving and leading us towards the view of the city. Right when the car was close to the top of the hill he said " you see that? You and I are going to roll down that hill". This was after I had told him that it was over. I started balling my eyes out because I was scared. He then stopped the car and started trying to hug me. Long story short, his excuse for scaring and emotionally abusing me was that he was trying to calm me down and keep me from running away in the night. We haven't talked for almost a week and I am dying. He tried brought me flowers and chocolates but I told him that was not going to fix anything. I feel like if I go back with him I am risking having the same thing happen, or worse. I feel like if we were to get back together it would not be now because he needs to know that what he did is not right..even if he didn't really mean it...what do you guys think about the situation? Thank you for reading.
The Answer
I couldn't possibly disagree with gotchalk8 more. It's one thing to give a guy a second chance if he got drunk and kissed another girl, or if he forgot your birthday - but you don't give a guy a second chance to threaten your life.
Your first instinct was the right one: It's over.
He hit you and threatened your life. That's not 'Scorpio's fighting'. That's not anything to with astrological signs.
His response to a stupid fight, where you were both behaving badly, was to shove you, while driving, and then threaten to roll the car down a hill.
That's insane. That's abusive. That kind of massive error in judgment doesn't get fixed over night. Sorry doesn't cut it.
Stay single, and work on finding more mature and productive ways to disagree with people - being a Scorpio is no excuse for putting your hands over your ears like a toddler. It's absolutely not your fault what happened, but you can, and should, try to behave better - with someone else.
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The Question
How do I get people to mind their business and not mine especially guys and my twin brother. I'm 12 years old and everyone minds my business. I take lots of risks and im te popular crazy kind that's everyones friend but people are annoying how do I tell them in a nice voice to mind their business. I justbdon't give a fuc↓ and im sick of everyone's sh!t
The Answer
You are twelve. Getting to have 'your own business' is a privilege you are still in the process of earning. You get to choose what you wear, what media you consume, and who your friends are - most of the time.
Everything else is your parents, teachers and other responsible adult in your life's business. And they have the right not just to question and comment, but to an extent, to control.
It's sucks, and your parents/guardians/teachers might be complete assholes. But regardless of how annoying they are, your business is their business, 'cause you're twelve.
You want them out of your business, that's something you earn in time, and one of the best and quickest ways to earn it, is to respect their opinions (even when you disagree and don't do what they think is best) and to not to be lippy or stupid.
If it's you friends who are giving you shit, find new friends.
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The Question
Can someone send you a private message, if you have an advice column but they don't have an account? Is that possible?
Thank you for any answers in advance!
The Answer
There is no 'private messaging' on Advicenators. But people can ask questions directly to registered users - if that registered user allows them too.
On the left hand side of your screen, under Profile Settings, you can control who is allowed to ask questions directly to you.
About 3/4 down the page is the section:
Who can ask you questions?
Anyone
Only registered users
No one
If you want anyone to be able to ask you questions directly, choose Anyone. I *think* this section defaults to 'only registered users'...
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The Question
is there a state or federal age restriction on the purchase of condoms?
The Answer
There is no federal restriction, and no state restrictions I am aware of.
There are rude cashiers though. If someone denies you at the register (I'm assuming you are a young person who would like to buy condoms... and it's very unlikely you'll be denied) go to another store OR if you are feeling really ballsy, ask to speak to a manager.
The manager of the store has a right to deny you service for nearly any reason, but they likely don’t know that and most managers would be pissed to find their staff refusing to take someone’s money. If you say you are trying to buy a legal product and they are discriminating against you because of your age, you’ll probably give them a scare (even though you've got no real legal standing) and at worst, they’ll say no again and you’ll just have to go to another store anyways.
I once had a woman make a very disparaging comment to me while I was buying condoms, and I was twenty-one. This is what I said to her
"If you are refusing me service, I want to talk to your manager. If you aren't, great, could I get a plastic bag please?"
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The Question
I was in a partner work project where my partner didn't memorize her part so we couldn't pull off the play. When I would say my lines the other girl would be silent and would not say any of her lines. The teacher knew I had my part done, but she said she has to fail us for it. I spoke to her during our fifteen minute break and wrote an email to her. She was offended by it and responded to it a little too strongly, in my opinion. Was I too rude or was she just having a bad day?
My email: Hi, I'm in your Drama class. May I ask about my grade for the project? (blank) and I both worked hard on the play together and we practiced our parts, but we were somewhat less prepared for it than she originally thought. However, I had practiced and had the script memorized. I think it's a little unfair that you should count me as failing as well and I thought I tried the best I could with the given situation. I just wanted to know how you're going to mark our combined project. Thank you for reading.
Her response: Hi,
I understand you are concerning about your project grade. However, I hoped you could be more patient to wait for your grade and feedback. We just had a performance (assessment) in the morning and I have told you that I was going to grade according to the grading policy which has been published in advance.
There is no reason to hear that my grading is unfair as I haven't told any specific comments, result about your performance.
Actually, I didn't have any obligation to give you a second chance as no any other pair was granted. I gave you a second chance because the performance was way below expectation. (blank) has to look at her script every line and I believed you two have worked hard on it.
I think it is rude and unfair to use the word "unfair" to the teacher without any result on you yet. You also should not to tell me that how I should grade or what I should count.
Besides, you sent this email during my class, when you were supposed to focus on the class.
I again understand your concern about your grade. I would not count her errors on you as oral part is 85% individual grade (team work for 15% -seeing if you helped and collaborated well on script) which I have already explained and posted on the website. However, it is hard to accept the negative attitude and participation you displayed in the class after the performance today.
I want to ask your patience for the detailed feedback and grade. I would be pleased to answer or explain further questions if you have then.
Stay warm.
My response: I did not mean to sound rude or as if I was telling you how to grade. I wasn't saying your grading was unfair as you actually haven't graded it yet. I was merely asking if you would tie my performance completely to the presentation and I apologize if you thought I was complaining about you as a teacher. I typed this email to you during break time and not during class, a time period directly after our performance. We are grateful for the second chance and once again, I understand that grading is your decision and I wasn't saying anything otherwise. My email wasn't one demanding you give me my grade, it was an email trying to express concern about how the problems in class are going to affect my overall grade. I was actually attempting to talk to you about it, and I apologize if it came off as rude, but my intentions weren't to criticize you. I'm happy to hear that my mistakes won't be counted against (blank) and that her mistakes won't be counted against me. I'm still not exactly sure why you wrote this, however:" However, it is hard to accept the negative attitude and participation you displayed in the class after the performance today." I would like to repeat that I sent my email after the performance because I wanted to talk to you privately about the grade and you specifically mentioned during our skit that you'd like to see us personally. I didn't write the email because I wanted to personally attack you, and I'm sorry if you perceived it as such. Thank you and I hope you stay warm too.
What exactly went wrong here? You guys don't have to read everything, by the way.
The Answer
You misunderstood, and reacted too quickly, with some poor word choice. Unfair was a very bad choice of words.
Your teacher obviously felt that although she had spoken to you and given you some feedback, she hadn't made her final decisions yet, and that you should have waited to hear back on your official grade before jumping to the assumption she was being a 'little unfair'.
It also sounds like you weren't entirely clear on her marking criteria, and it was fair of her to expect you to be.
Perhaps some people will think the teacher reacted a bit too strongly - I don't really see that. However, you certainly reacted too strongly by not participating in the rest of the class, and by writing her an e-mail that came off as though you were assuming you knew how she was going to grade you, and that the grade was going to be unfair, without referencing the marking criteria that was posted.
The better way for you to have handled this would have been to take another look at the marking criteria for the project, and consider your options/arguments based on that criteria if you were failed.
After doing that, you could have asked her for clarification if you didn't understand what the marking criteria meant (as an example, an email like "Thanks for your patience today and the second chance. Just so I'm not surprised when I get my grade, could you clarify the marking for me? Is 85% of the grade individual and not as a pair?" would probably have been better received.)
Or, you could have waited to receive your grade, trusting your teacher to use their best judgement and be fair, and then only addressing it if you felt there was a problem.
The teacher probably felt - and I think that they are right - that after giving you two a second chance, and speaking to you in class, she deserved the benefit of the doubt and that you should have waited until you received your grade, before deciding if it was fair or not.
Writing the email during class was rude.
Suggesting her marking was going to be 'a little unfair' without even knowing what that marking was was rude. You might not have meant it that way, but you did attack her integrity with that comment.
Not taking a look at the marking criteria before trying to talk to a teacher about a mark was very unwise.
So, maybe she was a bit harsh on you, but you made some bit mistakes in the way you approached this.
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The Question
So I stumbled upon this site, and after digging through some jumble I stumbled upon some powerful testimonies.... Here is mine
Im a 27yr old male who really is just lost in this life, I constantly find myself trying to compare to a "life timeline"
I have so much to say I dont really know where to start, so Im just going to put it into text and hopefully someone can lift me.
I grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood, my father killed himself when I was 3 years old. The kids I grew up with were all 5-8+ years my senior. I was always the one "fighting" so to speak. Getting picked on what have you. I'll never forget the day where I pissed off one of these friends so bad that he told me, "At least my dad didn't kill himself with a crossbow"
Now, at this time I was prolly 11-12? It sticks with me to this very day. I was 3 when he died, I DISTINCTLY remember coming home from the sitter's to a house full of parents from around the neighborhood, surrounding my crying mother. My mother pulled me into the next room and in her own words told me, "daddy was sick, and he died". Now, at the time, I took that as he threw-up and then died. Im still scared to this day to throw up.
His death never effected me emotionally, my mother always had me sports, I was pretty good at them and traveled with baseball and hockey in the summertime when I wasnt in school. I was always busy.
When I came to Highschool, I was the ONLY kid to make the baseball team that wasn't in someway tied into the baseball program (much like politics). I earned my spot on that team, I worked my ass off. I was so proud of myself.
That exuberance carried into my highschool social life. It was pretty much that of a movie, typical ass hole jock. I cared about what people where thinking of me, and went out of my way for that extra laugh.
I was blessed was a set of baby blue eyes, and an appetite for girls.
My senior year rolls around and life suddenly ceased as I knew it. Huge rumors went around of an underclassman that was going to start over me this upcoming season in baseball, it really put me in a place I had never experienced.
BPE - was a class required to graduate, it was a personal fitness class. PFFFF CAKE!! it was even taught by the soccer coach. Being an athelete I had it made.
One day during this BPE class we were playing basketball in the gym with our coach. To this day I struggle to remember what I said to him but I cant remember ( I've always been the type of person to either bring the best or absolute worst out of someone ) Whatever I said to him upset him, he distracted me by pointing over my shoulder. When I looked back, he reared back and thew the basketball right at me, I reacted and caught the ball with my right (throwing hand) Thumb, it hyper-extended it, and it snapped the tendon back into my thumb.
Long story short my mom and step father didnt really know what to do. School Police investigated, local police investigated, even a detective pulled me out of class to ask me what happened. It was basically my story against a grown man's. I had a cast on my arm, I was so emotional from this I quit the baseball and Hockey teams.
I fell into my first depressed state, all these girls I hooked up with was finally catching up with me. The friends that were "cool" didnt care about me, I went from everything to nothing before I even knew what happened.
I had always smoked cigarettes since the 5th grade, and marijuana since the 6th grade (remember the kids in my neighborhood were much older than me)
but this time, I yeared for those drags more and more.
At 18, I went to local college and lived at home due to my license being suspended I graduated high school with a 3.45gpa, and finished my freshman year at a university with a 3.2gps, keeping my "hope" scholarship.
Sophomore year I had made a new circle of friends from online video games. I was experimenting with drugs for the first time. I attended maybe 3 classes that first semester and with the help of a third party counseler recieved and medical withdrawl, they claimed b/c I was bipolar with being suspectible with past family history.
2nd Sophomore year I decided to turn my life around and move away from the temptation and bad choices. I packed up a rented u-haul trailer and hitched it to my suv and drove 800miles north.
When I arrived I searched frantically for a place to live, and the last place and me living with 3 other pill head/pot heads.
So, now at the ripe age of 20 im learning that you cant run from your problems, your problems follow you.
I achieved nothing at school up north, on spring break everyone drove home to their familes upstate. Mine lived more than 800 miles away, so I locked myself in with an 8ball of cocaine.
I noticed myself gaining a receiding hairline @ 20.
Being from the south and moving up north, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had no trouble hooking up with women.
When I moved back down home, I decided to hit the real world and get a job. I started waiting tables at a finer seafood place, and I was making more money than I had ever seen.
I met this girl who was 19 at the time I was 21. Long story short, we took muscle relaxers and had sex. After we were done we fell asleep. The next thing I know I'm getting my ass beat by her stepfather. He walks into his bedroom and pulls a gun out, loads it in my face, cocks it, and sticks it in the rear of my back. 2 days later, that girl and I moved in together. 9 months I found myself in small claims court at the end of a nasty breakup.
I kept putting myself in bad situations.
Now, im 27, I've worked in the food industry since I was 14. I can't take it anymore, I'm always angry! If some stupid cunt says something rude to me, I retort right back at them.
I'm 27 years old, I've had over 25jobs and I've either quit, or been fired from every single one.
I feel like I have so much more to talk about and you are only seeing what my fingers can type out.
I've been jobless for the past 3months. My biological father's mother just pass recently. I received a small amount of money that I have been living off of.
I'm stuck and I dont know what to do, I've talked to professionals, and they can all suck my cock. I dont want to take pills. Ive had my drug experiment stage and I'm proud to say that drugs do not tempt me.
I do smoke marijuana regularly.
I'm cursed with women. I've been such a dog to sp many that I know I'm being punished by Aphrodite herself. My last 2 girlfriends were marriend and pregnant no more than 6months after breaking up with me.
I'm a great lover, and a shitty solemate. I find it hard to open up to women about how I feel. I look for my mother in them.
and yes, i'm an only child who is a momma's boy, who has a severe case of daddy issues.
I do think about suicide, but then I think of my mother.
I want to be lifted of this fog, NO I DO NOT AGREE WITH PILLS.
I put far too many online hours into games now, but I have nothing else to devote myself into, no career, no girl, no friends, I just sit here, knowing that I am the epitome of a Highschool loser.
The Answer
I DON'T AGREE WITH VITAMIN C SUPPLEMENTS,
but sometimes, it's the right thing for some people.
Definitely the right thing for me, because I’m allergic to citrus, so I need to take a supplement, or I get scurvy. No joke. It’s just a weird thing about my body.
There was also a time in my life, where if I didn’t take an anti-depressant, I couldn’t sleep, eat or leave the house without having a panic attack. At that time the ‘pills’ were a useful tool for my body’s particular brand of fucked up ness. One of many tools, but a useful one. Frankly, a life saving one.
You say you don’t want to engage with therapists or medication. I can respect that. I think you are dead wrong. I think you are chopping off your nose to spite your face. But you are an adult and I can respect your choice.
But in order to give you honest advice about what to do next, I also have to tell you why I think your choice is the wrong one.
People get themselves into a tight spot when they reject therapy, and refuse to hear out doctors who suggest medication. The two things, when used together, give the greatest chance of positive outcomes for most mental illness. Proven, again and again, beyond a shadow of a doubt. Therapy and medication - used together - are by far the most effective treatment for the vast majority of people.
That doesn’t mean that all therapists, or doctors, or medications, are created equal. They aren’t. Some are better than others. Some are simply a better fit for an individual than others.
You are not an idiot by any definition. You are smarter than most people and probably more capable than most as well. If you could have saved yourself, by yourself, you would have done it by now. The trouble resists inside your own head. It’s very unlikely you are going to be able to think your way out of it, without relying on outside aids.
Right now the outside aid you’ve chosen to use is weed, and that might keep you functioning on some basic level, but it won’t help you get better. Self-medicating with weed is most likely self-defeating for you right now. Side effects from chronic smoking include anxiety and memory/abstract thinking issues that will compound and worsen your mental illness in the long run.
Part of the mental illness is that it doesn't want to be treated. Your own thinking has turned against you and is inventing ways to resist treatments and improvements. Mental illnesses are self-perpetrating in that way. Change is scary and treatment is hard. It’s easier to be sick. It’s easier to be high. It’s easier to be depressed. It SUCKS big time, all the time, but it is easier.
I’ve been on both sides of this. It’s easier to be mentally ill than to try and get healthy. You can be sick by yourself and you don’t have to do much. Getting better almost always requires other people (which is scary and stressful and sometimes you rely on the wrong people and have to start all over again with different people) and hard work (which sucks and means sometimes you fail and have to try again, and again, and again.)
So what do you do?
Turn off your online accounts and start exercising.
Throw out the junk food in your house and stop smoking weed
Feel like crap for a while and don’t numb it out with weed, sweat it out and cry it out.
Devote yourself to caring for your body.
Start taking care of your body and the fog may lift enough for you to start recognizing the hard work you need to do, and to face the times when that hard work doesn’t pan out without despairing.
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The Question
Well, I've been dating my boyfriend for 10 months and over this past weekend, he and i got into a fight over something stupid, and he started hitting himself,(he does that from time to time because he gets frustrated) and i tried stopping him because i hate seeing him hurt, but in the commotion he accidentally hit me, and now i have a bruise on my arm. He was so shaken up that night, he threatened to kill himself because he hates abusive guys. and he wouldn't talk to me for an hour no matter how hard i pleaded. it's been a few days and he's still saying i deserve better, even though it was just an accident and i know he won't do it again, he still states that he did it, therefore not fit to be my boyfriend. he and i both know it was an accident, so how do i get him to forgive himself? he's really broken up about it, in the car today he was crying so badly i didn't know what to do... what should i do to make sure he goes over the limit? should i get him a stress ball or something?
The Answer
A stress ball? No. He is way past stress balls.
Your boyfriend is seriously mucked up right now. He needs help. Therapy would be best. He engages in self harm, threatens to commit suicide, and generally drags himself (and you) through an emotional roller coaster.
His reactions are completely out of sync with reality. Regardless of the reason that he feels and acts this way, he needs to get it under control, because if he can't, he'll be right: He won't be capable of being a decent boyfriend. If he can't find better ways to manage his stress and concerns, eventually, your relationship will need to end.
There is far more going on here then him accidentally bruising you.
You can't save him for his own brain. He needs therapy and the tools to save himself. The best thing you can do, is tell him to get help.
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The Question
Hi I'm a 19 year old male. I just got hurt/used by this girl and have been hurt in the past numerous times so my opinion here might be kinda biased so looking for some other opinions. I feel like everytime I log onto Facebook or hear girls talk there something about guys being jerks and hurting them and there being no good guys left out there. Well I recently thought of it this way I'm sick of being hurt by girls and I'm sure other guys are too so maybe that's why there's no good guys out there? Because girls use and hurt and take advantage of the good guys that want to take care of you like me and then complain that we are jerks and asses and that's all you have to go to. Maybe if a girl didn't say she liked you and wanted to date and sleep with another guy a week later and hurt you when hour a nice guy and want to respect them but in turn you get screwed over every guy wouldn't be a jerk or a ass? I'm just curious to what others think or agree with me on this.
The Answer
This is not about gender. This is about the stories we tell ourselves and others.
There are good people and bad people in the world. The human brain has a bad habit of selectively remembering what it wishes to remember, and reinforcing the story that it believes to be true.
In our culture, there are 'stories' people tell. Bad boys are 'players' and 'assholes'. Bad girls are 'sluts' and 'bitches'. These are the words we use to understand, and to tell each other, stories. But it's not the truth when it comes down to individual human beings.
The girls you are seeing on Facebook are telling and reinforcing stories. Like most stories: There is an element of truth to them. Like your story, there is also an element of bias.
Girls and boys: More alike than different. Just as capable of being just as good, or just as bad, as the other.
The story you are telling yourself is that girls are bad, but the truth is much simpler: You got hurt and you'll be hurt again. Since you like girls, it's most likely to be girls who will hurt you in the future.
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The Question
Im applying to colleges, and soon i have to make a decision. me and my boyfriend of a year and a half are taking a break until i decide on a college, and if i end up in the school he attends, we will probably get back together. I just need a clear head for my decision. It may be stupid, but i asked him what his idea was on getting with other people during this break. He assumed we WOULD get with other people. that bothers me a lot. He said the only reason he would want to is because hes gonna be rushing a frat and theres going to be pressure and because out of like fear that im going to leave him in the end (or some sh*t like that). I'm just annoyed. am i justified in being annoyed... like i probably shouldnt have asked but i didn't think he'd want to be with anyone else. ah i dont know i just need someone to tell me if i'm crazy or not. i know tomorrow im going to explain why it makes me mad, but i dont really have a rationale. we WOULD be on a break.. so we would essentially be single.. but it'd only be like a month until i find out where i'm going and it could be with him...... IDK just need some words of wisdom. thanks
The Answer
That's not a break, that is being broken up.
Plain as that. If your 'break' means seeing other people, then you are NOT together. There is no gray area here. You are not in a relationship. You are both single. No point in pretending otherwise.
Being 'on a break' can be taking some time apart, to work on yourself and figure out what you want. But it can't mean being 'not on a break' with other people. You are either together or you aren't. If he assuming that he'll get with other people, then you aren't together.
Don't explain that it makes you mad. You don't need to 'share your feelings'. You need to call a spade a spade.
What he is talking about is not 'a break' its a 'break up'.
If you both want to be together, then be together. If you don't, break up.
If he wants to break up if you don't go to the same school as him, you might want to seriously think about why he wants to stay together - but only if you are at the same school.
That's immature an wishy-washy.
He might just be scarred and confused, but his suggestion just doesn't make any sense. That's not about how you FEEL, that's about basic logic.
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The Question
I am riding a new horse named Penny and she is very sensitive. I barely have to pull on her reins to steer her or stop her. When I pull to hard she tosses her head. But, when I try to steer her she doesn't turn so I have to pull a little harder, then when I pull harder she tosses her head. I can't get to the point where I can turn her. I can usually turn her when we are walking but only then. She keeps her head like right behind another horse's butt. I ride in group lessons and she is faster than the other horse's but since she won't turn, I can't get her head out of other horse's butts! lol. Any tips?
The Answer
Normally, when I see someone ask a question about horseback riding, I tell them that I'm sorry but it's impossible to tell what is wrong without being able to see you in your horse.
However, in your case, it's almost definitely this:
Get off your hands and stop tugging on her face.
Turning your horse starts in your legs and seat. Your goal should be to turn without ever moving your hands. Only if those messages aren't clear should the reins ever be used to turn. Even then, there should never be 'pulling' involved. Pulsing gentle tugs, on your direct rein is more effective than pulling.
Watch professional riders – not western movies – professional riders. They almost never move their hands, because they don’t have too. They are communicating through their body, legs and their seat. The reins are the very last thing that comes into play when turning or controlling the speed.
If Penny does have a sensitive mouth, then pulling her reins will only annoy her, and if you aren't asking for a turn correctly with your legs and body - it will also confuse her. She'll speed up even more trying to 'evade' you tugging on her face. Pulling her reins will not slow her down if she has a naturally face pace. Sink your weight into your seat and heels and use the reins to maintain contact – not pulling. Don't pull when she speeds up. Keep her slow with consistent contact and clear messages from the rest of your body.
Maybe you need to invest in a private class or two to take the next step as a rider, but what you are describing is almost definitely the result of you relying far too heavily on the reins. You need to improve your seat and your body position. No horse likes to have their head jerked through the bit each time they need to make a turn. Most horses will speed up, or start acting out, if you do that.
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The Question
Rebecca seems indifferent to these people. Sam asks her a lot of questions about her feelings and personal life, every once in a while. she has friends but the ones mentioned here, has a strange interaction with her. but while we could speculate, why the sudden switch in behavior back and forth with her?
The Answer
If Rebecca is indifferent to the situation, what are your concerns?
You don't suggest that Sam is abusive or coercive. You don't suggest there is some sort of risk associated with him being friendly to Rebecca -- so what is the issue you are actually looking to address? Why did you want people here to label these people as 'best' and 'worst' and 'mature' and 'immature'?
What are you looking to achieve?
We COULD speculate till the cows come home about Sam's thoughts and feelings, but why would we? That's just silly. Maybe Sam wants to sleep with one, or all of these women. Maybe Sam has a hero complex and is only interested in being friends with people who appear to need his help. Maybe he just feels guilty for being a jerk to Rebecca. Maybe Sam has been infected by an alien brain slug and that is why his behavior has changed dramatically.
If you really need to know, you could ask Sam.
If you don't know Sam well enough to talk to him about this (and you aren't concerned for anyone's safety in this situation) then you probably just need to butt out.
Give Rebecca, and anyone else involved who is looking to you for advice on how to decode Sam's behavoir, the best advice out there: Tell them to ask Sam.
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The Question
Sam is 40, Tina is 30, Pat is 38, and Rebecca is 26.
1) Sam is friend with Tina and Pat.
2) Sam was first friends with Rebecca.
3) Sam was nice to Rebecca’s sister and family and
engaged in activities with them. Sam also wanted to help Rebecca when she
Seem to need it.
4) Rebecca seemed independent. So Sam started to slow his help towards her.
She seemed to not want him to help her too much
5) Pat moved in the area and Sam now becomes friend with her. She tries to attach herself to Sam needfully. She has a lot of resources
that can e of use to Sam, Tina, and Rebecca. So he asks her for favor from time to time.
6) Tina was always very close friends with Rebecca. They like to joke a lot with each other.
7) Tina and Sam became close friends after Tina seems to be getting into trouble. Sam tries to help her overcome her shame. Same as he did for Pat.
8) During all of this, Sam has a tension between him and Rebecca, more so from his side.
9) He starts to treat Rebecca very badly.
10) The relationship between Tina and Rebecca starts to go bad. But it’s not from Rebecca’s part. Tina seems more distant and mean towards Rebecca. But Rebecca seems to still like Tina.
11) Sam gives Tina a lot of work to do, yet he starts to slowly distant himself from Pat.
12) Suddenly, Sam is talking up to Rebecca again and giving her compliments’ on her personality.
13) Tina is left with a lot of work to do that Sam gave her. She seems tired at times, but is happy to do them.
14) Who seems to be the best /more mature person ?
The Answer
I like this site because it gives me an opportunity to give advice to someone.
I don't like to pass judgment on people based on a enumerated lists. I don't think that is helpful.
What is obvious to me is that the person who wrote this question has no respect or admiration for Pat and believes Rebbecca has gotten the short end of the stick. It's clear that the person who wrote this question doesn't know what is going through Sam's mind, and would feel better if they had an honest conversation with Sam about his choices and feelings.
It doesn't really matter who knows who longest. Or who was distant from who at what point in the process.
What matters is what kind of friendship each person would like, and whether or not they are able to ask for it and have honest and respectful conversations.
There is too much unsaid in this question to pass judgments about each persons maturity or 'best-ness' and I suspect there is also too much left unsaid in these friendships.
You don't need an outsiders perspective, you need to open up to those you wish to be friends with and try to create friendships that are built on honesty and respect.
(It might also be helpful for Rebecca to find friends that are closer to her age and life experience. People with more similar life styles to a mid-twenty something are less likely to feel she needs help or saving, and are more likely to be able to build a friendship with her on even ground.)
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The Question
I'm a fifteen year old female and i am currently taking celexa and seroquil for my severe depression. i was talking to someone else who also has depression and he says he doesn't take medications and only takes vitamins and exercises so that he doesn't feel that way anymore. is it possible for me to try this? i'm not fond of the idea of taking celexa and seroquil because of the side effects, such as defects in a child that i might have in the future, and i really want to have kids.
The Answer
One more voice to the many: Don't go off your medication without consulting your doctor and getting their guidance on how to wean yourself off.
Sudden withdrawal from SSRIs and seroquel can be dangerous, not just unpleasant and uncomfortable, but seriously dangerous and can cause accurate episodes of depression and anxiety, even psychotic episodes. It is not something to just decide to do one morning without consulting the doctors who are treating you.
Frankly, SSRIs saved my life. I would recommend that you keep on taking them until your doctor or a therapist recommends you decreasing your dosage or weaning off. Very few people get 'addicted' to these sorts of medications or become dependant on them. Most people take them for a few years when they are in desperate need of the support, and as they grow and get better, find they can manage thier illness without them.
I took Celexa for several years as a teen. I even went back on during my final years of university when I started to slip back into trouble. Not only would I not have been successful at school without medication and therapy, I sincerely believe I would be dead.
As for the pregnancy issue, it's really not a big deal at this point in your life. The early studies that suggested SSRI could lead to birth defects have been almost entirely refuted. If SSRIs do increase the risk of birth defects, it appears to be only by a very, very small percentage. (Don't trust a basic Google search on these things! There are lots of dishonest lawyers out there who want to make people scarred and get paid to file baseless lawsuits. They are crooks and monsters who aren't looking out for your health, they just want your money.) And even then, it's only if you are actively taking SSRIs during pregnancy. Seroquel does carry some real risks during pregnancy and breast feeding, but agian, only if you are taking it at the time, not just because you did take it at some point in your past. So if you are concerned, you really just need to wean yourself off the drugs 3-5 months before you want to try to get pregnant - but of course - all of that are things to discuss with your doctor.
Exercise and eating right are very important. You should start to do those things ANYWAYS, but they aren't replacements for medications. All of these things, medication, therapy, improved diet and exercise, work together to make your mind healthier and function better. It's not an either or. The more tools you use, the better you will feel, and quicker.
So, improve your diet and start exercising and talk to your doctor about your medications, but don't do change your medication without seeking medical help.
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The Question
Thank you for your honest opinion on my question. I think I messed up on my part and my question is, if I confessed to her that I like her would things would turn differently? or I should just back off if she has a girlfriend already?
Sorry, I honestly messed up, but at the same time I don't know what was her intention was...
The Answer
You NEVER really know what another person's intentions are.
You'll NEVER know what might have been.
That's not information you'll ever get. No one here can give it to you.
She told you that she was interested in things turning out differently, and that she believed they could have, if you had been interested, but you weren't.
That's why she thought and what she believed. No one will ever know if she was right or not, because you told her you weren't interested.
And yes. You should back off. You've been disrespectful enough of her feelings. Work on yourself and figuring out your own interests and desires.
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The Question
I'm 17, a Female, and Last year i was a junior in high school. I had, since freshman year, stuck close with one girl and our friends were mutual friends. We spent every second together and were "best friends". Not really, because she made me feel terrible about myself and Junior year she started doing drugs and i tried to stop her. She didn't listen to me, ditched me for other people, and that is when I got very sick. So sick that I was out for half a year. Now here is where the lying came in- I wasn't THAT sick. But i was out for half of the school year on home-bound school. My stomach had problems emptying and I couldn't eat, I was weak and lost hair and weight. I visited the school to take midterms and the kids told me how good I looked- how I had lost weight (not how they missed me, they didn't ask if i was ok?)I had no friends. I basically gave into not eating. I really don't know why, but ever since I have a hard time with my body and self-esteem. I go back to not eating some times. It isn't really an eating disorder though. So anyways, I started wanting to go back to school now that I was a size 2 instead of a 10. When I did, people said some awesome things about me being thin but also things like "wow, you missed way to much school" and a rumor spread that I had cancer. So I went with it. I'm a senior now. These things happened last year! I still tell people I had cancer and I still secretly deal with not eating! I still have NO FRIENDS! and I keep food diaries, I REALLY like a guy that only wants to have sex with me, and I can't stop hating everyone who hurt me in the past... This is so embarrassing. I just don't want to go to college next year being like this so please give me advice.
The Answer
Therapy.
You've had genuine struggles, and frankly, your classmates responses sound far more like they are confused and immature, not trying to be cruel.
They don't know how to respond. Serious illness doesn't touch your life much when you are a teen. They don't get it. Their lives are still too simple. They have no idea how to approach you, or the topic. Being ‘thin’ is a thing they are comfortably talking about, so they do that, even though in your case it’s absolutely the wrong approach.
Exaggeration and lying is wrong. It's good you want to stop, but also remember that you were struggling with a whole bunch of things and found an outlet and a way to feel more at ease with it by lying. It's still wrong, but it's understandable, and you should no more hate your classmates for not knowing what the hell to make of your serious illness, then you should blame yourself for using a bad coping mechanism.
To work on forgiveness and moving on, talk to a therapist. Your doctor or school should be able to give you a reference. No sane person would expect you to deal with years of illness and confusion and being home bound as a teen without needing some help. Ask for it. And if they hesitate or don’t understand, keep asking until you get it. You deserve it and you need it.
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The Question
I am 16 years old, and i am kind of stuck...
1) Andrew; he is much much muchhhh older than i am, like...11 years older... has warrants which he is dealing with and it is going in a positive direction. i've liked him for about 2 years, and in august i found out he liked me. we talked, than he got a gf so i stopped talking to him and dated this guy steve. Andrew told me he would wait for me to be of age to date..so we're still talking and things, lately is been slowing down though.and this is a sweetened version of me and him...but he is nice, and funny and makes me happy when we talk.
2)Steve; (my ex boyfriend) we broke up in October/early November. we started talking (as friends) in december after x-mas, and yesterday he told me he missed me and things. and he wants to go bowling on sunday. i said i would go. so we're most likely going to go. But he was a nice boyfriend but he has NO PERSONALITY! but my whole family approved him. and he stopped smoking pot (THANKGOD!) so im thinking maybe he'll be able to show some personality. he is nice, sweet, and caring. btw he is 17. also, i dont like him...but i might if he shows personality, but it deffinitly is not promised.
3) John; mine and my older brother's bestfriend! he is 18 years old. he asked me out in december and i said no because he is my brothers bestfriend and i didnt want to do that. but him and i hangout everyday! and i flirt with him constantly!! a part of me really wants to date him, but some part of me says no, that i dont want too. he has tendencies to be the biggest asshole. Last night he was hanging out with me and than dropped me off my church, he went to his friends house and apparently this girl sam was there. he took her home, had sex with her and brought her home today. than he picked me up from school. i was veryy jealous of it. i am not sexually attracted to him, like i do not want to have sex with him but i kind of want him to be mine.
......so, i understand 100% that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me being single! but, if i could choose one of them that would make me happiest i would like too. i just want to hear everyone's opinion on this, and who you think might be best or if i should continue to look. i am not a trouble maker, and i care about all of them in one way or another. absolutely nothing is promised with Steve, and Andrew is another situatin in his own. and John is my bestfriend and i am scared even if we do date in the end ..we might not be friends. and also, John has the personality of, if he cant get what he wants, he might eventually give up and treat me like shit, and end our friendship.
The Answer
Andrew is too old. Both fuctionally and maybe even legally, depending on your state.
You can't be an equal, respected peer with a 27 year old, unless he is horribly immature and fucked up. He sounds lovely, but any 27 year old who would consider a 16 year old a valid rommantic partner is probably not someone you want to be with. You could be perfect and wonderful, and probably are, but if he can't see it's not a good idea, then there is something off about him.
You say you don't like Steve. So there is nothing to talk about. You don't have to date every guy who likes you and is nice. Date people you like and can have mutual respect and fun with. You don't respect him, you don't have fun with him and you don't like him. So notta.
John sounds like a bit of ass and you already know he makes some unwise sexual choices. Having said that, you clearly want seem most interested in him and there is a benifit to going into a relationship with your eyes open to some of your partners flaws and mistakes. Maybe you should ask your brother about? (Of course, if you aren't sexually interested AT ALL - to the point you can't imagine kissing him or anything - then you probably just enjoy the flirting, and get over wanting him for yourself. Not that I'm condoning having sex at 16 - I'm not - but he's not for you if he doesn't excite in you that way at all.)
Keep looking. And please, cool it off with Andrew. I know it's flattering and I know it seems just fine, but as a 26 year old girl myself, I've got to say: Guys my age who think dating 16 year olds is a good idea, are bullies and /or morons. There is something not quite right if they find a relationship with someone who is still in highschool to be thier ideal kind of relationship. If one of my guy friends started to date a 16 year old, I'd encourage him to seek therapy, no matter how mature and lovely I thought she was.
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The Question
I am a mature, single lady who is attracted to the man who owns the building where I have lived for almost two years. There is a bldg. manager so I never have to deal with him. We have said hello from time to time and I always felt the feeling was mutual. He is very successful and has four grown sons. He has always seemed to fight off any urge to get to know me. I have never seen him with any wife. Something is stopping him from seeing me. Perhaps his sons, or the fact that he is very wealthy might enter into it. I am very lonely and like him a lot. How can I get him to ask me for a luncheon date?
The Answer
Ask him?
I know, it might feel unnatural, but ask him if he'd like to join you for lunch. Or, if you bake or cook, make something for him and offer it as a small thanks for being a lovely owner, or simply let him know, that although you see him very little, you'd like to consider him a friend.
For all you know, he might have a wife.
Or he might simply be shy.
It might be embaressing and you might get rejected, but if you are seriously interested, you might need to make the first, subtle move. Try to enter into a friendship. Only if the 'friendly' conversations and lunches go well, is there any reason to start calling them 'dates'.
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