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STUCK and I cant see the top!
So I stumbled upon this site, and after digging through some jumble I stumbled upon some powerful testimonies.... Here is mine
Im a 27yr old male who really is just lost in this life, I constantly find myself trying to compare to a "life timeline"
I have so much to say I dont really know where to start, so Im just going to put it into text and hopefully someone can lift me.
I grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood, my father killed himself when I was 3 years old. The kids I grew up with were all 5-8+ years my senior. I was always the one "fighting" so to speak. Getting picked on what have you. I'll never forget the day where I pissed off one of these friends so bad that he told me, "At least my dad didn't kill himself with a crossbow"
Now, at this time I was prolly 11-12? It sticks with me to this very day. I was 3 when he died, I DISTINCTLY remember coming home from the sitter's to a house full of parents from around the neighborhood, surrounding my crying mother. My mother pulled me into the next room and in her own words told me, "daddy was sick, and he died". Now, at the time, I took that as he threw-up and then died. Im still scared to this day to throw up.
His death never effected me emotionally, my mother always had me sports, I was pretty good at them and traveled with baseball and hockey in the summertime when I wasnt in school. I was always busy.
When I came to Highschool, I was the ONLY kid to make the baseball team that wasn't in someway tied into the baseball program (much like politics). I earned my spot on that team, I worked my ass off. I was so proud of myself.
That exuberance carried into my highschool social life. It was pretty much that of a movie, typical ass hole jock. I cared about what people where thinking of me, and went out of my way for that extra laugh.
I was blessed was a set of baby blue eyes, and an appetite for girls.
My senior year rolls around and life suddenly ceased as I knew it. Huge rumors went around of an underclassman that was going to start over me this upcoming season in baseball, it really put me in a place I had never experienced.
BPE - was a class required to graduate, it was a personal fitness class. PFFFF CAKE!! it was even taught by the soccer coach. Being an athelete I had it made.
One day during this BPE class we were playing basketball in the gym with our coach. To this day I struggle to remember what I said to him but I cant remember ( I've always been the type of person to either bring the best or absolute worst out of someone ) Whatever I said to him upset him, he distracted me by pointing over my shoulder. When I looked back, he reared back and thew the basketball right at me, I reacted and caught the ball with my right (throwing hand) Thumb, it hyper-extended it, and it snapped the tendon back into my thumb.
Long story short my mom and step father didnt really know what to do. School Police investigated, local police investigated, even a detective pulled me out of class to ask me what happened. It was basically my story against a grown man's. I had a cast on my arm, I was so emotional from this I quit the baseball and Hockey teams.
I fell into my first depressed state, all these girls I hooked up with was finally catching up with me. The friends that were "cool" didnt care about me, I went from everything to nothing before I even knew what happened.
I had always smoked cigarettes since the 5th grade, and marijuana since the 6th grade (remember the kids in my neighborhood were much older than me)
but this time, I yeared for those drags more and more.
At 18, I went to local college and lived at home due to my license being suspended I graduated high school with a 3.45gpa, and finished my freshman year at a university with a 3.2gps, keeping my "hope" scholarship.
Sophomore year I had made a new circle of friends from online video games. I was experimenting with drugs for the first time. I attended maybe 3 classes that first semester and with the help of a third party counseler recieved and medical withdrawl, they claimed b/c I was bipolar with being suspectible with past family history.
2nd Sophomore year I decided to turn my life around and move away from the temptation and bad choices. I packed up a rented u-haul trailer and hitched it to my suv and drove 800miles north.
When I arrived I searched frantically for a place to live, and the last place and me living with 3 other pill head/pot heads.
So, now at the ripe age of 20 im learning that you cant run from your problems, your problems follow you.
I achieved nothing at school up north, on spring break everyone drove home to their familes upstate. Mine lived more than 800 miles away, so I locked myself in with an 8ball of cocaine.
I noticed myself gaining a receiding hairline @ 20.
Being from the south and moving up north, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had no trouble hooking up with women.
When I moved back down home, I decided to hit the real world and get a job. I started waiting tables at a finer seafood place, and I was making more money than I had ever seen.
I met this girl who was 19 at the time I was 21. Long story short, we took muscle relaxers and had sex. After we were done we fell asleep. The next thing I know I'm getting my ass beat by her stepfather. He walks into his bedroom and pulls a gun out, loads it in my face, cocks it, and sticks it in the rear of my back. 2 days later, that girl and I moved in together. 9 months I found myself in small claims court at the end of a nasty breakup.
I kept putting myself in bad situations.
Now, im 27, I've worked in the food industry since I was 14. I can't take it anymore, I'm always angry! If some stupid cunt says something rude to me, I retort right back at them.
I'm 27 years old, I've had over 25jobs and I've either quit, or been fired from every single one.
I feel like I have so much more to talk about and you are only seeing what my fingers can type out.
I've been jobless for the past 3months. My biological father's mother just pass recently. I received a small amount of money that I have been living off of.
I'm stuck and I dont know what to do, I've talked to professionals, and they can all suck my cock. I dont want to take pills. Ive had my drug experiment stage and I'm proud to say that drugs do not tempt me.
I do smoke marijuana regularly.
I'm cursed with women. I've been such a dog to sp many that I know I'm being punished by Aphrodite herself. My last 2 girlfriends were marriend and pregnant no more than 6months after breaking up with me.
I'm a great lover, and a shitty solemate. I find it hard to open up to women about how I feel. I look for my mother in them.
and yes, i'm an only child who is a momma's boy, who has a severe case of daddy issues.
I do think about suicide, but then I think of my mother.
I want to be lifted of this fog, NO I DO NOT AGREE WITH PILLS.
I put far too many online hours into games now, but I have nothing else to devote myself into, no career, no girl, no friends, I just sit here, knowing that I am the epitome of a Highschool loser.
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I have been seeing psychiatric professionals of one sort or another since age 7, and if I had the anatomy for it I'd be passing along your message to most of them, too. If I had a nickel for every counselor who tried to tell me there was nothing wrong with me, or every doctor who forced antidepressants on me even when I told them it was making me feel worse, I'd have... a lot of nickels. I'm going somewhere with this, trust me.
All it takes is one good one to help. Mental health professionals are like shoes. Some just aren't comfortable, and if they're not the right fit for you they'll end up doing more harm than good. Don't discount shoes altogether just because you haven't found that perfect pair quite yet. Even if the ones you've encountered so far aren't great for you, chances are that if you look back on it you'll be able to pull at least one useful thing from each of them. One such gleaning that I managed to pull from a particularly frightful mismatch was something I think you would benefit from.
Reading your story, and particularly the wording of it, you seem to be plagued by external loci of control. Aphrodite is punishing you. You're a loser. Everything you say is said as if you couldn't possibly do anything about it. "This is who I am, and it sucks." You don't feel as if you're in control of your future, and that's perfectly normal when you're dealing with mental illness and particularly bipolar disorder.
You may not agree with your doctor's diagnosis, but as someone else who has bipolar disorder it's not hard to see when someone is exhibiting symptoms. The tendency to pack up and leave with grandiose ideas of making everything better all at once. The cycle of being extremely successful, then failing spectacularly. The irritability. The drug use (and yes, marijuana is a drug) is a form of self-medication. I've been guilty of it in the past as well.
You've had a rough go of it so far. Nobody would argue with that. The problem is that in order to get your life to where you want it to be, you have to regain control of it. Instead of being that guy who can't open up to women, you need to work on becoming better at it. Instead of being a loser, you need to figure out what you feel would lift you out of that status and take steps to achieve it. This is where counselors can help a great deal, if you find the right one. I've actually been working with an occupational therapist, and he's working wonders with helping me get back into school and work.
Don't discount medications. It's hard not to, especially when you're feeling good, and even more especially when you have to deal with side effects even though you don't feel the need to be on the meds. I've been there. I'm finally at the stage where we've figured out what medication I need to be on, and fine-tuning the dosage. That's taken 3 years. It takes time to find the right one, but when you do it can help in ways that just counseling or pulling up your socks won't. Bipolar disorder isn't like depression. It's not the sort of problem where you can just exercise and eat right and paste on a smile to get through the days until it ends. It doesn't end, ever. That said, you're not going to be held down and forced into accepting medication. If your symptoms aren't bad enough to mess with your life, you may be able to do without. In fact, bipolar disorder can be a positive thing if harnessed correctly. My OT told me a story about an old patient of his who owned several large businesses. When he was in his depressive phase, he would pull back and let his subordinates do the work. When he was manic, he would open up three new branches. He was incredibly successful despite going unmedicated. Everyone is different. Personally, I can't function for more than 3 months without medication before my swings go bonkers and take me out. If you're still having trouble reaching where you want to be, medication may be a good option for you.
I know the temptation to start fixing everything at once when you start to swing out of a down phase. Attempt moderation. Work on doing things that you can maintain. In the past, as soon as I started feeling better I would register in school, get a job, start a hobby, make all sorts of grand plans... and then lose them all because I would eventually swing back down and be unable to maintain it all at once. Lately, I've been working on taking on one thing at a time when I feel good. I started working a job almost a year ago, nothing glamorous but something to keep me going. It's been iffy at times, but I'm still there. When I'm feeling good, I am an excellent performer. When I'm not... I cope. Now I'm hoping to add school into the mix in the fall. It's like juggling. Nobody goes from looking at a box of knives to juggling 20 of them.
You're not doomed to a life of mediocrity. In fact, you're probably doomed to an eternity of being exceptional. Harness your energy and focus it into productivity. Even if it's a crappy minimum wage job, be the best damn employee they have. You have that potential. Use it, and work your way up from nothing.
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razhie, I appreciate the feedback.
A couple things I didn't mention in my rant: I have been prescribed numerous medications, Paxil and Paxil CR before FDA pulled them off shelves. Adderall XR, Lamictal (lithium), and most recently Prozac.
I do agree with you saying my mind defeats it self, however, I have given all of those medications a try, I have spoken with 4 different professionals, maybe its me, but I always end up angry.
As far as taking care of my body, I'm not a sediemnt person, I participate in an adult softball league, and I play adult rec hockey. I skate 1-2 times a week.
I really appreciate your advice thank you.
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I DON'T AGREE WITH VITAMIN C SUPPLEMENTS,
but sometimes, it's the right thing for some people.
Definitely the right thing for me, because I’m allergic to citrus, so I need to take a supplement, or I get scurvy. No joke. It’s just a weird thing about my body.
There was also a time in my life, where if I didn’t take an anti-depressant, I couldn’t sleep, eat or leave the house without having a panic attack. At that time the ‘pills’ were a useful tool for my body’s particular brand of fucked up ness. One of many tools, but a useful one. Frankly, a life saving one.
You say you don’t want to engage with therapists or medication. I can respect that. I think you are dead wrong. I think you are chopping off your nose to spite your face. But you are an adult and I can respect your choice.
But in order to give you honest advice about what to do next, I also have to tell you why I think your choice is the wrong one.
People get themselves into a tight spot when they reject therapy, and refuse to hear out doctors who suggest medication. The two things, when used together, give the greatest chance of positive outcomes for most mental illness. Proven, again and again, beyond a shadow of a doubt. Therapy and medication - used together - are by far the most effective treatment for the vast majority of people.
That doesn’t mean that all therapists, or doctors, or medications, are created equal. They aren’t. Some are better than others. Some are simply a better fit for an individual than others.
You are not an idiot by any definition. You are smarter than most people and probably more capable than most as well. If you could have saved yourself, by yourself, you would have done it by now. The trouble resists inside your own head. It’s very unlikely you are going to be able to think your way out of it, without relying on outside aids.
Right now the outside aid you’ve chosen to use is weed, and that might keep you functioning on some basic level, but it won’t help you get better. Self-medicating with weed is most likely self-defeating for you right now. Side effects from chronic smoking include anxiety and memory/abstract thinking issues that will compound and worsen your mental illness in the long run.
Part of the mental illness is that it doesn't want to be treated. Your own thinking has turned against you and is inventing ways to resist treatments and improvements. Mental illnesses are self-perpetrating in that way. Change is scary and treatment is hard. It’s easier to be sick. It’s easier to be high. It’s easier to be depressed. It SUCKS big time, all the time, but it is easier.
I’ve been on both sides of this. It’s easier to be mentally ill than to try and get healthy. You can be sick by yourself and you don’t have to do much. Getting better almost always requires other people (which is scary and stressful and sometimes you rely on the wrong people and have to start all over again with different people) and hard work (which sucks and means sometimes you fail and have to try again, and again, and again.)
So what do you do?
Turn off your online accounts and start exercising.
Throw out the junk food in your house and stop smoking weed
Feel like crap for a while and don’t numb it out with weed, sweat it out and cry it out.
Devote yourself to caring for your body.
Start taking care of your body and the fog may lift enough for you to start recognizing the hard work you need to do, and to face the times when that hard work doesn’t pan out without despairing.
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