Member Since: February 2, 2012
Answers: 1
Last Update: February 3, 2012
Visitors: 512
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So I stumbled upon this site, and after digging through some jumble I stumbled upon some powerful testimonies.... Here is mine
Im a 27yr old male who really is just lost in this life, I constantly find myself trying to compare to a "life timeline"
I have so much to say I dont really know where to start, so Im just going to put it into text and hopefully someone can lift me.
I grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood, my father killed himself when I was 3 years old. The kids I grew up with were all 5-8+ years my senior. I was always the one "fighting" so to speak. Getting picked on what have you. I'll never forget the day where I pissed off one of these friends so bad that he told me, "At least my dad didn't kill himself with a crossbow"
Now, at this time I was prolly 11-12? It sticks with me to this very day. I was 3 when he died, I DISTINCTLY remember coming home from the sitter's to a house full of parents from around the neighborhood, surrounding my crying mother. My mother pulled me into the next room and in her own words told me, "daddy was sick, and he died". Now, at the time, I took that as he threw-up and then died. Im still scared to this day to throw up.
His death never effected me emotionally, my mother always had me sports, I was pretty good at them and traveled with baseball and hockey in the summertime when I wasnt in school. I was always busy.
When I came to Highschool, I was the ONLY kid to make the baseball team that wasn't in someway tied into the baseball program (much like politics). I earned my spot on that team, I worked my ass off. I was so proud of myself.
That exuberance carried into my highschool social life. It was pretty much that of a movie, typical ass hole jock. I cared about what people where thinking of me, and went out of my way for that extra laugh.
I was blessed was a set of baby blue eyes, and an appetite for girls.
My senior year rolls around and life suddenly ceased as I knew it. Huge rumors went around of an underclassman that was going to start over me this upcoming season in baseball, it really put me in a place I had never experienced.
BPE - was a class required to graduate, it was a personal fitness class. PFFFF CAKE!! it was even taught by the soccer coach. Being an athelete I had it made.
One day during this BPE class we were playing basketball in the gym with our coach. To this day I struggle to remember what I said to him but I cant remember ( I've always been the type of person to either bring the best or absolute worst out of someone ) Whatever I said to him upset him, he distracted me by pointing over my shoulder. When I looked back, he reared back and thew the basketball right at me, I reacted and caught the ball with my right (throwing hand) Thumb, it hyper-extended it, and it snapped the tendon back into my thumb.
Long story short my mom and step father didnt really know what to do. School Police investigated, local police investigated, even a detective pulled me out of class to ask me what happened. It was basically my story against a grown man's. I had a cast on my arm, I was so emotional from this I quit the baseball and Hockey teams.
I fell into my first depressed state, all these girls I hooked up with was finally catching up with me. The friends that were "cool" didnt care about me, I went from everything to nothing before I even knew what happened.
I had always smoked cigarettes since the 5th grade, and marijuana since the 6th grade (remember the kids in my neighborhood were much older than me)
but this time, I yeared for those drags more and more.
At 18, I went to local college and lived at home due to my license being suspended I graduated high school with a 3.45gpa, and finished my freshman year at a university with a 3.2gps, keeping my "hope" scholarship.
Sophomore year I had made a new circle of friends from online video games. I was experimenting with drugs for the first time. I attended maybe 3 classes that first semester and with the help of a third party counseler recieved and medical withdrawl, they claimed b/c I was bipolar with being suspectible with past family history.
2nd Sophomore year I decided to turn my life around and move away from the temptation and bad choices. I packed up a rented u-haul trailer and hitched it to my suv and drove 800miles north.
When I arrived I searched frantically for a place to live, and the last place and me living with 3 other pill head/pot heads.
So, now at the ripe age of 20 im learning that you cant run from your problems, your problems follow you.
I achieved nothing at school up north, on spring break everyone drove home to their familes upstate. Mine lived more than 800 miles away, so I locked myself in with an 8ball of cocaine.
I noticed myself gaining a receiding hairline @ 20.
Being from the south and moving up north, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had no trouble hooking up with women.
When I moved back down home, I decided to hit the real world and get a job. I started waiting tables at a finer seafood place, and I was making more money than I had ever seen.
I met this girl who was 19 at the time I was 21. Long story short, we took muscle relaxers and had sex. After we were done we fell asleep. The next thing I know I'm getting my ass beat by her stepfather. He walks into his bedroom and pulls a gun out, loads it in my face, cocks it, and sticks it in the rear of my back. 2 days later, that girl and I moved in together. 9 months I found myself in small claims court at the end of a nasty breakup.
I kept putting myself in bad situations.
Now, im 27, I've worked in the food industry since I was 14. I can't take it anymore, I'm always angry! If some stupid cunt says something rude to me, I retort right back at them.
I'm 27 years old, I've had over 25jobs and I've either quit, or been fired from every single one.
I feel like I have so much more to talk about and you are only seeing what my fingers can type out.
I've been jobless for the past 3months. My biological father's mother just pass recently. I received a small amount of money that I have been living off of.
I'm stuck and I dont know what to do, I've talked to professionals, and they can all suck my cock. I dont want to take pills. Ive had my drug experiment stage and I'm proud to say that drugs do not tempt me.
I do smoke marijuana regularly.
I'm cursed with women. I've been such a dog to sp many that I know I'm being punished by Aphrodite herself. My last 2 girlfriends were marriend and pregnant no more than 6months after breaking up with me.
I'm a great lover, and a shitty solemate. I find it hard to open up to women about how I feel. I look for my mother in them.
and yes, i'm an only child who is a momma's boy, who has a severe case of daddy issues.
I do think about suicide, but then I think of my mother.
I want to be lifted of this fog, NO I DO NOT AGREE WITH PILLS.
I put far too many online hours into games now, but I have nothing else to devote myself into, no career, no girl, no friends, I just sit here, knowing that I am the epitome of a Highschool loser.
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razhie, I appreciate the feedback.
A couple things I didn't mention in my rant: I have been prescribed numerous medications, Paxil and Paxil CR before FDA pulled them off shelves. Adderall XR, Lamictal (lithium), and most recently Prozac.
I do agree with you saying my mind defeats it self, however, I have given all of those medications a try, I have spoken with 4 different professionals, maybe its me, but I always end up angry.
As far as taking care of my body, I'm not a sediemnt person, I participate in an adult softball league, and I play adult rec hockey. I skate 1-2 times a week.
I really appreciate your advice thank you.
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