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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
My stepmother and my father have been married for awhile now. She's the classic evil stepmother. She made it so we hardly see our father, he is wipped. She targeted my sister when she was my older 16 (awhile ago) when we didn't call for Mother's day the first year they were married. It was messed up but we were really polite. She emailed my sister mean messages, my sister was only kind back, she got my father to take her of of his insurance once she was 18 (when it would have been FREE to have her on until she's 26 because of the family plan and she's in college). She yelled at my father's sweet mother, threw a present at her head, is really mean to my whole father's side. There is something wrong with her I think, my mother took her emails to a therapist and she said that she is unstable and dangerous emotionally. Now I'm 18 and about to graduate. My father wants to bring her and stunned I said I would try to get her a ticket. Now she emailed my sister saying she "wants to rebuild their relationship" which has happened with my Grandmother in the past and my Grandma would apologize and then my stepmother would do something outrageous and hurtful again.
So I need to know what to do about this. My idea was to tell my Dad that if she comes she can't speak to my mother, sister, or younger brother (not my Dad's son). And that she also can't email my sister. He will probually think I'm being disrespectful but to condone his and her behavior would be the real disrespectful thing to do. Any suggestions?
The Answer
You can either invite her, get her a ticket, and recognize that once she is invited she is free to speak to other who are there (although you can of course ask her to be civil and respectful.)
Or you can NOT invite her.
But you can't invite her and then tell her not to speak to anyone. That is rude, and it will only antagonize her and make her more likely to misbehave.
My advice, would be to tell your father that you'd LOVE to have him attend your graduation, but that any fence-mending with his wife will need to happen at another time. Being open to 'rebuilding the relationship' with your step-mother is important, but your graduation is about you, and celebrating your accomplishments. If she is really interested in healing the breech, she should understand that that needs to happen at another, less stressful time, for you and your family.
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The Question
Hey does any one know any good sites similar to Craigslist? Also I have pet rats and need to find them knew homes but need some sites to also post them on that they might fight good homes.
The Answer
You could use Petfinder.com as well.
You might also try contacting some shelters in your area, and asking if they have any advice on any sites or services in your community that will help you find them a good home.
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The Question
20/f
How can i convince my parents to let me go to Europe with my friend and her family? I've already mentioned that I'm a nursing student in college, with a 3.8 GPA, while i work 30 hours a week, I have my own money, so they wouldn't have to pay for anything, i've been studying european languages for years, I've never been outside the country. They know I'm a responsible person but they just have this HUGE thing with terrorism and planes and stuff. I just feel miserable like I work so hard can never get a break.
The Answer
If you are twenty one and paying for it yourself, then you just go.
You don't ask their permission, you tell them gently but firmly that you have this awesome opportunity and that you WILL be taking advantage of it.
Let them know you are open to hearing their concerns and making some reasonable compromises. Do they want you to check in frequently? Given that they are anxious that would be kind and respectful. Do they want all the info of your flights and where you are staying? Of course, that's only sensible. Would they like to meet the family and make sure you have good travel insurance? All right, arrange a dinner for the families and let them chat about the trip.
And when they say "You'll die!" or "You'll be bombed by a terrorist!" or some other stupid paranoid nonsense, DON'T argue with them. You can't argue them out of their irrationality. You might as well try to convince an insane man that the alien reptile people don't walk around us.
Instead of debating them when they make irrational comments or crazy demands, repeat calmly "I understand you have fears, but I've made up my mind. I am going." and "I am old enough to take these risks for myself. You need to respect my choice."
Because in the end, they do need to respect your choice.
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The Question
16/female
Okay so I honestly think there is something wrong with me. When it comes to guys, I think I'm messed up in the head. I'm attracted to guys who treat me like dirt. I somehow fall so hard for guys that never give two shits about me. My first boyfriend basically used me for eight months and physically forced me to give him head and tried to rape me. After him, you'd think I'd look for a nice, good boy but I had one and I just could t get myself to feel anything for him. He wasn't possessive or overprotective or jealous which should be good but I felt like I missed it... Now, this guy that I've been best friends with for years and I have started hooking up and he is absolutely awful to me. He used to be my rock, and tell me how I deserve better than what I gave myself. He even punched my ex after he slapped me. But now he's the one that pushes me around. He basically only wants me around to hook up. Hes extremely aggressive with me, almost violent. And he calls me awful names and tells me I'm worthless, weak, tiny and helpless and stupid and yet I go back to him all the time. I'm so sick of being pushed around and yet I'm addicted to it in a sick way. I don't know what to do and its tearing me apart. I feel so horrible about myself around these kind of guys but I feel so miserable without them. I don't know what to do. Why do I only like guys who are mean and abusive?? Please help me!
The Answer
There is nothing all that messed up with you. You are sixteen. You've been sexually and romantically aware for a few years at most, and you've made some mistakes. You've gotten into some patterns that are hard to break. You haven't had the life experience and knowledge to get out of bad situations as quickly as you should. You aren't sure how to respond to abuse.
That's okay. NO ONE is born knowing how to handle abuse. Most of us end up learning not to put up with it, and how to do the very difficult act of walking away.
It's not easy to walk away from an abuser, no matter how damn obvious it is to you, and everyone around you, that you need to get out.
That is COMPLETELY within the realm of the normal. It sucks, but it's normal.
So cut yourself some slack. You aren't horrible. You are human and you are learning. This isn't easy, but you can do it.
Why do you like guys that are mean and abusive? Same reasons lots of people do. When it's good it's really good, the drama is addictive, the confidence and arrogance is attractive, you aren't sure you deserve better, it's important to you to have someone around, even an asshole... The reasons are similar for everyone. But the reasons also don't really matter. What you need to do is focus on learning how to leave him, and carrying that lesson and strength forward with you.
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The Question
http://www.thegrio.com/entertainment/why-africa-vogue-is-considered-out-of-fashion.php
Since the "all black" version of Italian Vogue was one of Italian Vogue's best selling issues ever, it's clear there is a demand. And an African Vogue would sell in Africa, and in other continents with Africans, like hotcakes. There's a huge market to be untapped, there. Since Africa is diverse the magazine would always be diverse and interesting, too, something I can't normally say about any of the other Vogues, unfortunately
So why haven't they done this? I don't see any cons. It would make Vogue a lot of money. Doesn't money talk? It could also bring forth more acceptance of African beauty, and the beauty of Africa in general, which is great. There's many types of beauty in this world. It could also show other people that there's a lot more to Africa than what is stereotypically thought. It's not all poverty, sickness, and exotic animals. It could also bring to prominence great, emerging African designers, and etc.
It makes me excited just thinking about all of this. I can't understand why Conde Nast hasn't approved of it, yet. I say "yet" because it sounds ridiculous that it would never happen. It's already ridiculous that it hasn't happened. It's not like there aren't many African women who buy high fashion, either. This is an entire continent of people we are talking about. Trust me, there are many rich people, too, who I think would very much be influenced by an African Vogue, to buy fashions.
What would be reasons why they wouldn't approve it, then? Does Conde Nast receive a lot of money from American, European, and Asian fashion houses, who don't want to face competition from a rising African market? That's the only valid reason I can think of, for why Conde Nast wouldn't approve it.
It's just sad, cause as someone of recent African descent, it would be awesome to see such a prominent fashion magazine (basically, the fashion authority) featured on Africans, and portraying the different sides to Africa that exist. It would really be a positive thing. Unlike the other Vogues, it wouldn't even primarily be featured on one "race", because of how diverse looks in Africa are. From dark skinned people with coily hair in West Africa to lighter skinned people with loose curls in east Africa, to the white settlers in South Africa, to Arabs in North Africa, etc. It might be a reach but I just feel it would really unify the continent, and the world in many ways. To show everyone as one, despite looking different, as Vogue Africa. It's just nice to think of! I kind of understand why minorities aren't really in the other Vogues, since they're based in countries where people are mainly one way (like Vogue America is mainly white because America is mainly white), so yeah, not going to lie, a Vogue that features more black people would obviously be greeted warmly by me, as I'm black, and have already gone through many magazines with people that usually don't look like me (I usually ignore it, cause I just like the fashion, but you know, it can get annoying at times, in all honesty)
So, what's your opinion about this? Wasn't planning on writing long.. it's a bad habit. But I'm very curious about responses!
The Answer
I think the article gets it right at the end: Instead of focusing on convincing Vogue to launch in Africa or an African Diaspora edition, the community would be better served to create it's own brands. (And since this article was written in 2010 new magazines have popped up or gotten much bigger, Arise being the one that really jumps to mind...)
I also think the whole "But that one issue made so much money!" argument has been really overblown and misunderstood. Being able to make a great deal of money on a single, special issue is exactly what magazines professional would expect, and what the CEO and the board would demand. The expectations for that issue were very high to begin with. It's great that the issue hit its goals, but that doesn't necessarily translate into adequate resources, demand, community and industry support for a monthly mag.
I'm sure that Vogue did a great deal of market research after that issue, and money does talk, but I can think of a whole HOST of reasons that the board (it wasn't Nast's decision all alone. Nast might have had the final word, but it was a collective decision by many of their top people, and probably with some hired external consultants and experts as well.)
What would be reasons why they wouldn't want to launch it, then?
Well, when this article was written, they had just had a Vogue Men edition fail rather spectacularly. They simply might not have had the money, investors or financing available to launch and function in an area as large and diverse as Africa, even if they did think it was a good idea. Although Vogue is still strong, it has not been a great last few years for the print magazine industry.
They also have no distribution or printing resources on the continent. When they expanded through Europe in the 80 and early 90s, they were able to use a lot of their existing systems to support the rollouts in new markets. Those are costly and difficult relationships to build and are only getting more difficult in the digital age.
They could also be scared. They don't understand the market, they don't have the expertise they think they need, and they don't know how to get it. As business people, the risk is unattractive, and the rewards are uncertain.
They also do have competition. More every year. Arise, Helm, Haute, but also the American mags like Essence and Jet.
All these sorts of issues and concerns would be the kind of things Vogue would want anyone pitching a new edition of Vogue to address. Mario Epanya was a fashion photographer, but not necessarily an ideal businessperson to make the pitch to Vogue.
In the end, I don't think there is any conspiracy here. There IS a lot of innate racism in media and fashion media, but it's not grand conspiracy of designers or Vogue. European and American designers are used to functioning on an international stage would more likely welcome an African Vogue as opening new markets to THEM, rather than worrying about it bringing in competing African designers. I'd bet there are some who already have stores in Cape Town and would jump for joy if Vogue launched in Africa. If Vogue thought they could definitely make money with a monthly mag like this, they probably would. The more likely explanations for why they haven't is that a.) they can't afford too b.) they think they can't make enough money to justify it or c.) no one with right interest and expertise has come forward to make it a reality.
It's a tough line to walk, because although Vogue is Vogue, and has the cache and brand power that it does, it's tempting to want it to represent a group you belong to in a way you find inclusive and illustrative. However, the greatest success for a community often comes when they stop chasing the tends of the mainstream media, and start being entrepreneurial and representing themselves.
Anyways, check out Arise Magazine if you haven't. It's tough to come by in the US I think, but you might really like it.
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The Question
Hi, I'm the person who asked the question regarding the theatrical poster... what exactly did you mean by the image is "a bit mature"?
Thanks
The Answer
It's of a naked body in bed, with the word PASSION written under it.
It's about sex. The image is a sexual one.
I think it's a beautiful image and isn't at all vulgar (I have far more 'mature' images up in my own home) but it can be worth it to consider the responses of the people you like to invite into your home and remember they wont necessarily have the context for it that you do.
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The Question
I have been "seeing" this guy for around 3 months ( we are both in our 20s). He got out of a relationship a month or so before we started talking and he initially said he didn't want a relationship, and his friends alluded to the same thing. I didn't want one at first either I mean he isn't really even my type at all and we live kind of far from each other so we really only hang out at beat once a week. We text everyday and our for our first " date" he brought me to his house and made me an extravagant meal and bought three different types of wine incase I didn't like one of them. Totally unplanned we ended up falling asleep and I spent the night ( nothing happened more than kissing). Similar nights followed and after almost three months we had sex and right after we did he started speaking about his ex gf ( nothing positive though). We also went to a party and he got mad that I was talking to other guys. Ever since we had sex I feel like we are distant and I actually like him and would want to date him because sometimes he really does act like a boyfriend but I find it so hard to bring up the topic with him. He makes references to the future and to love spending time with me and how he hopes to do certain things with me ( like travel), yet he makes no attempt to solidify what we have. I really don't know what to do anymore, I don't know whether this is just a hookup to him or more but I'm scared to ask because I don't want to sound dumb. My question is, how do I get him to want to actually be with me emotionally as well? Any insight would be really appreciated
The Answer
You are going to have to take the risk and talk to him.
He's already 'emotionally' with you. You are in a relationship. It's just not a very honest one at moment.
If you continue on like this for too long, he'll drift away, talk himself out of it, or you'll both fall into resentment over these unclear expectations and boundaries.
If one of you doesn't man up and speak up, you WILL loose him, and it'll probably be messy and painful.
Talk to him. It's best possible thing to do to lead to the best possible outcome.
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The Question
Is this a tacky-looking poster? Would it look tacky if I put it in a black frame?
http://i47.tinypic.com/2qbw5l2.jpg
The Answer
As a theatre lover, I think it's very tacky to put up a poster for a musical you haven't seen/listened too. So, if you don't actually know the show at all, I wouldn't put it up.
But the poster itself is nice, but a bit mature. As long as you are comfortable with your guests seeing that kind of image in your home. I don't think it's it's tacky - and a frame will almost always make a show poster look better.
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The Question
I enjoy acting and stage managing, but I do not know which to pick. I have bee working with this one director for 2 years now as a stage manager, but I want to audition for the play he is doing. Will he not trust me as a stage manager? Should I audition?
The Answer
I'm sure he'll still trust you as a stage manager - my only worry would be that he wont take you seriously as an actor.
Different directors have different feelings about arts administrators like SMs, who also are actors.
Some directors are completely open too it and have respect for theatre artists who can wear many hats. Others type-cast stage managers as stage managers, and actors as actors, and believe in their hearts that no one can cross that line - even if they claim to be open minded about it.
Those kind of directors are out there: They suck, but they are definitely out there.
The best thing you can do is talk to your director about your desire to act and to audition. The audition will be less stressful for both of you if it's not a surprise to him, and his response to you letting him know that you will be audition will let you know what he thinks of the idea...
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The Question
Hi,
Okay so I'm having my braces off in afew weeks time and its right in the middle of my exams.
So what is it like to get taken off? And if it hurts what are effective pain relievers because obviosly I don't want screw my exams up. Thanks :)
The Answer
Can you reschedule it?
Look, some people experience very little pain when their braces come off, maybe just some aches. Others experience mind-numbing, uncontrollable pain and violent headaches. My vision blurred for days after mine came off - I was just unlucky like that.
So why risk it? Leave them on for a week or two longer to make sure you can face your exams without any pain at all.
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The Question
I have a boyfriend, and we've been going out for 3 months. We started really nice and everything was lovely. Recently he's been under pressure due to stuff going on at home, even though he won't talk to me about it much. We were at his house and he got really upset. I tried to hug him but he pushed me down onto the floor, it didnt hurt much but it was a shock. Numerous occasions after this he's hit me or shoved me when he's got annoyed. I know he's stressed, but he doesnt apologise. He just pretends it never happens. Im beinning to bruise and im scared. What should I do? (17, girl.)
The Answer
Break up with him.
Or at least, tell him that this behavoir is a serious problem, and that this is is final warning. The next time he pushes or shoves you in anger, get to a safe place, and then break up with him.
The fact he even goes so far as to simply pretend that it never happens, makes this an even bigger problem. He isn't being 'a bit pushy'. He is being 'a bit abusive'.
NOTHING he is going through at home, makes this excusable. It is one of the worst kinds of things you can do to your partner is take your anger out on them physically. It shows a lack of respect and self control that is completely unacceptable.
If you are too afraid to speak to him about this, then that fear should be listened too. That degree of fear means the relationship is already over, and you need to end it.
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The Question
my boyfriend of two years and i have had a couple issues with him messaging girls on facebook. i found a conversation once of him telling her he'll send pictures if she does of her boobs, it was graphic and i was upset, yelled and left the house and he came out (after going upstairs to see what i was upset about, i told him to read his messages) and told me that it was an old message that popped up and it was before me (he was a sort of man slut when he was younger, we're both in our early 20's, by the way) but when i wanted to bring it back up to clarify the date he said he had deleted it cause he didn't want to re-read it all, it was embarassing.
other situations have just been smaller things like calling girls pretty and they call him gorgeous, she gives him her number or he has vice versa, if they actually text eachother, i have no idea.
we've had about three major fights about every 6 months or so about this, and the last fight was the worst, we almost broke up. he said he loves me (i am the only person he's ever said this to, me as well, he comes from a bad background so he has trouble trusting people, etc. and i know he really does love me) that i'm his soulmate, there'll never be anyone else but me not trusting him is making the relationship feel tainted, that there's nothing else he can say. some of the girls he mssaged and "flirted" with were co-workers at his old job and that's just how they always talked, the other girls he was just saying hi too, he never texts these girls, he doesn't even respond to some of their messages, he gets messages like these all the time he can't help it. i just find it odd because he doesn't like a lot of people, he finds a lot of them backstabbing and moronic and finds girls for the most part to be sluts (not saying ALL girls ARE but the ones that contact him because hes cute and in a band are) so i just don't see why he messages them if he finds them stupid and slutty and not worth to talk to? i told him how i'm just scared he's going to leave me (me and him met over facebook messaging so i feel it would be just as easy for him to do with another girl), but i apologized for blowing up and i was going to try and stop. the thought of losing him makes me sick.
but i just keep getting this feeling like it'll never stop, he's already said a couple times he would, he deactivated his facebook once because of it all but he's in a band so he has to have one for socializing and marketing purposes, everyone in the band has to be active, which i DO understand. but now, i was just on the computer and his facebook was up and i KNOW i should stop, but i just keep getting this gut feeling and i was right. i found more messages (these are all archived by the way so they're like, messages hidden, put on the backburner, so to speak) to some more girls just saying hi, they didn't answer, one girl gave him her number and said to text her, and he replied "sext you ;)" and she asked why he never texted her (he doesn't have a phone right now though so i dont have to worry about that) and there was a couple other pretty girls he said hello to as well. also ran into an ex the other day and was saying how he tried to hide from her so they wouldn't get in a conversation, etc., but then he messaged her a hi as well.
i just feel like he wouldn't TRULY lie to me, he doesn't seem the type and after two years i think i would know. i and i know there's no way he can cheat on me pyshically cause we live together, we're honestly together 24/7, we even work together currently and have to share the same hours cause of ride situations. part of me just wants to say this is him being a guy, flirting around, some people think that's ok? but i just don't see why he would still find this ok if we've had SEVERAL fights, BIG fights over it, obviously i don't like it. it just seems like sometimes he gives me these answers that SOUND right at the time and i go along with them, but when i think back they don't seem that correct of an argument. AND he's constantly making comments if my phone goes off if its some guy or says about how guys always like my facebook pictures, if i go here dudes are going to hit me on and he's not there to do anything about it, so he's protective over me.
but i'm scared to bring it up anymore cause if i do, i'm sure we'll be done and i honestly couldn't handle that, he is my other half.
during our last fight he told me if i ever see something just to ask him about it but i'm too scared that he'll blow up. you know how some people say to "just do this" but when you actually do it they get pissed anyways...
i just wish i could stop looking at his messages, i just keep hoping to see nothing going on and there's just always something i have to find
i just want some people's opinions. do you think it's just a typical guy flirting, boosting his ego a bit, all couples do it a little (even though i don't flirt with anyone, i barely talk to any guys anymore) or should i bring it up to him? sorry this is such a long ramble, there's just so much to explain i haven't even explained it all so i can more if there's anything else i should add later
The Answer
I don't think his flirting is the core of the problem here. 'Cause some of what is doing is not even 'typical guy flirting' it's 'typical human contact with other people' - and some of those others, happen to be females.
And some of it has crossed a line where, if I were in your shoes, I'd have some questions for him. Not be storming around furious, but certainly annoyed and seeking explanation.
So yes, you are over-reacting, but you also 'just don't get it' and neither does he.
The thing neither of you get - and the thing I think is your real problem - is how to be friends with people of the opposite sex in respectful and healthy ways while you are in a relationship. It's okay that neither of you get that! A lot of people don't understand in their early twenties. There is a real learning curve to it. We aren't born knowing how to handle all the different relationships in our lives.
But you are both avoiding the issue. You are avoiding it by not having male friends, and barely male acquaintances, and he's avoiding it by not being honest with you about his female friends and acquaintances because he doesn't know A.) that it's okay to have female friends and acquaintances and B.) how to talk about other females-who-are-friends-or-aquaintances with you.
Add to that the fact you two are doing EVERYTHING TOGETHER, this isn't really a healthy arrangement.
Both of you need AND DESERVE other people in your lives, peers, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Some of those people, are going to be of the opposite sex.
Instead of tackling this as a 'He has a flirting problem" - which in fairness, you do seem to believe that at worst, he has that under pretty good control - give this issue some thought as a "We have problem about how we manage and talk about our friendships."
And stop checking his Facebook. Just make yourself a promise and stop it. Cheaters cheat and get caught. Checking his FB will not protect you from cheating. By this point in his relationship with you - if he wanted to cheat - he'd know not to leave evidence on FB. Protect yourself from cheating by talking to your partner and paying attention to what they say and do.
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The Question
should i dye my hair blue or would it look gross and faded like most girls i want to dye my hair bright blue!!!!!! should i???
The Answer
I loved having blue hair.
But here's what you got to do:
You have to pay someone at a salon who knows what they are doing, and you have to have an 'exit plan'.
What are you doing to do is 4-6 weeks when the blue starts to fade? Your hairdresser will have some suggestions - but I find I'm always happiest if I've got a plan and know how much it will cost. 'Causing getting rid of a serious color job and making it look good, also takes a trip to a salon.
It's a serious cash investment to make it look nice and keep the hair healthy, but with a professionals help it can certainly be done.
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The Question
21/F
My biological dad never really wanted me and growing up he never really paid me much attention especially once my parents got divorced. I was lucky if I got a call on my birthday/Christmas/holidays and as soon as I turned 18 I was lucky if I got a phone call once a year. I have an amazing stepfather who I consider my dad now. But it feels like I'm always getting into relationships with guys who never really want me either. I'm well aware that I seem to be most attracted to guys who end up disappointing me yet the guys who are constantly stable in my life I have no interest in them. It's like I purposely get into these relationships knowing very well it's not going to last and they're just going to leave me. It's weird how I can have such low expectations with my dad yet such high expectations from guys that are just like him. So now i'm just wondering if my sucky relationship with my real dad effects my relationships? Am I really one of those cliche girls with "daddy issues"? I don't sleep around, I've actual only been with two guys and we were in a serious relationship. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself I'm just trying to figure out the source of my issues so maybe I can finally move on and stop going back to people who disappoint me the most.
The Answer
There is a lot of hype about 'daddy issues' but the truth is - No. The science and psychology doesn't really back it up. It's pop science and self-help bullshit for people who need some sort of made up 'reason' for why they made (or make) decisions that don't turn out well before they can stop making those bad decisions.
You don't need to find a 'the source' in order to change what you are doing. In fact, you can even limit your process by imagining up a source for your issues. 'The source' is often just 'being human'.
You are 21. You've been with two guys in serious relationships. That's hardly 'a pattern of dating unavailable guys', that's 'being young, having limited experiences and discovering what your standards are'.
You can only have dated so many people by 21 (most of them, like you, will be young with limited experience and will also be figuring out what they want and what they want a relationship to look like.) Like most people in their 20s, you are probably still primarily attracted to style, confidence and drama - and you haven't had enough experience to detect real substance and to reject some of the jerks you should.
So how to do you move on and stop going back to people who disappoint you? You just do it. You look at the behaviors and choices that disappoint you, and you don't get involved with guys who display those characteristics or choices. You've noticed that some of the things you are attracted to initially are not good indicators of long-term happiness or relationship potential. And that's great! That actually puts you a bit ahead of the curve at 21.
Give yourself a break. Don't try to find some reason for being young and discovering what you want. None of us are born knowing how to be in a relationship or exactly what we want in a partner. We are all of us afraid of being rejected and many of us choose to be in relationships we know can't work out, rather than taking the very frightening risk of being in one we think can.
Just take the best care of yourself that you can, and be brave and sensible. Because you will probably date a few more unavailable jerks in your life - perhaps both intentionally and unintentionally. But if you keep yours eye open like you have been doing, figure out what it is that works for you, and have the courage to take the risk when it seems to have come along, you'll be just fine.
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The Question
My husbands father is a US Marshal. A couple of days ago my husband said to me "So, you know that if your sisters boyfriend has any warrants, don't be surprised if he gets arrested." I was really confused. I know that my sisters boyfriend sells marijuana and random pills. He's been doing it forever. I know that he's been to jail twice, the cops have raided his house one time. Anyways, today, my father in law calls and said to my husband that he looked up all the information my husband asked him too. He (my husband) gets off the phone and was like "He's been arrested before and your sister was listed as a suspect in a robbery." I was like "uh, where did you hear that!? I'm pretty sure I would know something like that about my sister."
I'm just looking for advice on the situation. I asked him why he had his dad look all that stuff up and he always says that he hates scumbags and my sisters boyfriend is a scumbag. I seriously could care less what he does. Him selling drugs has nothing to do with me at all. I do not care! He says that he cares because of our daughter and what if something were to happen while we were there. We live six hours away from each other. I've seen my sister twice since my daughter was born.
I feel like what he did was sneaky and shady. Who does that?! I'm mad that he did it. Should I be mad or am I overreacting?
The Answer
I very much agree with adviceman.
If he felt he had information regarding illegal activity to pass on to the police – that’s one thing. Using a personal connection to access information he has no right too about your sister and her boyfriend – that is something very, very different. The way your husband did this and the reasons he gave, make his actions look very petty and shady.
In your position, I’d be explaining to my husband why I felt what he did was inappropriate and an invasion of privacy (and I suspect it’s also illegal) and ask him to come to ME first if he felt we needed to discuss how we would handle any risks my sister might pose to our child. I'd also be very disappointment and concerned by my father-in-law sharing information he should not be sharing with my husband, and both of them using their personal power and connections rather than going through appropriate channels.
If this were part of a pattern of behavior of being controlling, coercive or secretive, I’d be doubly concerned. I may be reading too far into this, however, his action reeks of the kind of behavior that is designed to drive a wedge between you and your sister – and a husband who tries to unilaterally isolate you from a family member without discussing it frankly with you – is engaged in a form of abuse. Even if he is right that you need to have a plan, or take precautions when it comes to your sister, this was absolutely, 100%, the completely wrong way to go about that.
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The Question
The other night my boyfriend decided to check my FB page and found evidence of flirting back in 2009. Now he thinks I lied abt saying he is the only one for me. Please note I didn't actually meet him till 2011 though we started talking end of 2008. How can I mend this rift when he refuses to talk about it? I'm 36. Also please note we are currently 11000 miles apart.
The Answer
You CAN'T mend the rift if he refuses to talk about it.
In your position, I'd end the relationship with this man.
You flirted with someone in early 2009 on Facebook, shortly after beginning to talk your boyfriend online, and he has decided that this makes you a liar, a horrible person, who he wont talk too about the issue, who obviously didn't care about him prior to meeting him in person, and then he's made a bunch of rules about what you can and can't say to him.
He isn't interested in respectful dialogue. He is interested in controlling you through guilt and shame. Even if you did make a mistake, his reactions are completely unjustified and devoid of respect.
It's understandable for him to feel angry and hurt, but the rules and nastiness he has thrown your way are out of control. This does not paint the picture of someone who is capable of being a long distance relationship in a loving or respectful way.
Tell him your understand that he is upset, but that this behavoir is not okay. Tell him he isn't the only one who gets to define your relationship and make rules about what your time together has meant. Tell him if he wants to talk to you like an equal partner then maybe you can move forward together. Tell him if he DOESN'T want to address you as an equal partner, then the relationship is over.
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The Question
I'm sorry if this should be in the family section but this is about a conversation I had with one of my best guy friends. I'm 16/f
Well somehow we got into the topic about how guys can't date or hook up with their best friends sister, so first question is shouldn't that be up to the sister? Shouldn't she get a say in this?
And then he started talking about how it's because brothers are protective of their sisters and I understand it's because they don't want to see us girls get hurt but why can't they realize we can take care of ourselves we aren't babies and don't guys understand that whether they like it or not we will get hurt, it can't be prevented. Is this just by instinct or something?
But don't get me wrong I am greatful that u guys have my back I appreciate it I just don't understand some of the reasoning behind it
Thanks and I hope my questions were clear
The Answer
Meh, your friend is just being a bit simplistic and immature, but his heart is in the right place.
Everyone has a responsibility to behave in the way they believe is respectful and kind to their friends. For a lot of guys, that will mean NOT dating their friend's sister.
Guys, especially when they are younger, often make the mistake of not recognizing that women are complete human beings, who can make their own choices - but that isn't the only thing that is going on here. Yes, the women get's a say, but when too people are interested in each other, if either of them says NO (for any reason) then NO is the answer.
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The Question
So I got an apartment with a childhood friend of mine about about 3 months after my, now two year old, daughter was born. At first it wasn't so bad. He's quiet, hardly ever makes a mess, and pays his part of the rent and utilities early each month(by sliding the money under the door).
The problem is that the only time I ever see him is when he leaves for work at night. He never says anything to me when I'm on the couch reading or watching tv. He just leaves, and he's back to being locked up in his room before I wake up.
Other than his job. He's always home. I have to check the parking lot sometimes to tell if he's here because he never leaves his room and he's so damn quiet. In the two years I've lived with him, he's never had any friends over, he never goes to see anyone, and he never spends any time with me.
It's almost like I'm living alone, but it's unsettling because I know he's always there. It would be less disturbing if I just saw him come out just to get some food once in a while or something. He'll I'd be less freaked out if I thought he was a drug addict. At least he's have a reason to be so odd.
Back in high school he was such a sweet guy, a little awkward, but sweet. I worry about him, but I cant even check up on him because he has doorknob on his room that requires a fingerprint and an 11 digit code to unlock. WHO DOES THAT!?
The Answer
Offer him food? Ask him to catch a movie?
He may just be fine, merely odd. However, if you'd like a bit more of a friendly roommate relationship, you can't go wrong with offering food.
If you aren't feeling comfortable, listen to your gut. Being 'not comfortable' is a good enough reason to ask him to leave, or look for another roommate.
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The Question
okay so this is probably a really dumb question and it probably doesnt mean anything.. but ya never know..
but what exactly does 'poke' mean on facebook?
like when my friends and i poke eachother i know it's just to be dumb or something..
but my ex-boyfriend just poked me and we broke up 3 days ago. does that mean anything or am i just being really stupid? haha
when we broke up it didnt end bad & we were (are) both really upset about it
The Answer
It doesn't really mean one thing. It's all about the context.
Given the context of your break up, it probably means he wants to talk to you (I'm assuming you haven't really spoken in the past 3 days) but he is too chicken shit to admit it, so he did the least possible thing he could do (poke you on Facebook) so as to make the next step your problem and not put himself on the line too much.
If you want to talk to him, send him a message. If you don't, don't. If he really feels he needs to talk to you, he can pull his socks up and do better than a poke in my opinion.
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The Question
So, my friend of nineteen was impregnated, maybe about four months ago I've heard. She didn't tell me because she knows I'm pretty much against the teen pregnancy thing, but I did find out from the rest of our friends.
I was pretty ticked, especially since the baby's father cheated and went to live with his new girlfriend, leaving my friend behind. Here's the issue:
My friend is very clingy. She clung onto her boyfriend for at least a year and a half, talking about marriage and everything. Well, she found out he was cheating on her for about three months and I know for a fact that he's the father because my friend hasn't had sex with anyone else; she was seriously obssessed and painfully loyal to this guy. Well, before she found out, she was excited about the baby coming. She was cooing about it and everything- that is, until she found out he was cheating. Now she's hoping for a miscarriage and talking about how she hopes it dies. I was horrified. I've always known she was a bit selfish, but this is unbelievable because she flat out told a friend of mine in a note that I was given: "I don't want the damn thing because it hogs all the attention from me".
I don't know what to do because she has no job, she won't be graduating with us this year, she smokes at least a pack a day, she's already slobbering all over this other guy who we don't even know, and she's acting like it's all normal. Should I even do anything since this is our last year? Should I leave her to it? I mean, her parents know, but she won't take any help from them. In fact, she shrieked at her mother that if she mentioned the baby one more time, she'd take a knife to her stomach and I seriously think she needs help- she just won't accept any.
The Answer
Is she your friend? Really? Or is she just someone you happen to share a home town with?
The drama is interesting and very unfortunate, but you are not in a position to help her and your help has not been requested.
If you feel that the school might step in and get her some support, you might talk to a teacher/counselor/principal about her threats to self harm and your concerns. But that is really as far as your responsibilities lie at this point.
But seriously - if she isn't your friend, if you have no interest in being 'friends' after you graduate - then just be civil, consider her a crazy co-worker who you'll never see again after you leave your job as a high school student.
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