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Am I overreacting?
My husbands father is a US Marshal. A couple of days ago my husband said to me "So, you know that if your sisters boyfriend has any warrants, don't be surprised if he gets arrested." I was really confused. I know that my sisters boyfriend sells marijuana and random pills. He's been doing it forever. I know that he's been to jail twice, the cops have raided his house one time. Anyways, today, my father in law calls and said to my husband that he looked up all the information my husband asked him too. He (my husband) gets off the phone and was like "He's been arrested before and your sister was listed as a suspect in a robbery." I was like "uh, where did you hear that!? I'm pretty sure I would know something like that about my sister."
I'm just looking for advice on the situation. I asked him why he had his dad look all that stuff up and he always says that he hates scumbags and my sisters boyfriend is a scumbag. I seriously could care less what he does. Him selling drugs has nothing to do with me at all. I do not care! He says that he cares because of our daughter and what if something were to happen while we were there. We live six hours away from each other. I've seen my sister twice since my daughter was born.
I feel like what he did was sneaky and shady. Who does that?! I'm mad that he did it. Should I be mad or am I overreacting?
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I very much agree with adviceman.
If he felt he had information regarding illegal activity to pass on to the police – that’s one thing. Using a personal connection to access information he has no right too about your sister and her boyfriend – that is something very, very different. The way your husband did this and the reasons he gave, make his actions look very petty and shady.
In your position, I’d be explaining to my husband why I felt what he did was inappropriate and an invasion of privacy (and I suspect it’s also illegal) and ask him to come to ME first if he felt we needed to discuss how we would handle any risks my sister might pose to our child. I'd also be very disappointment and concerned by my father-in-law sharing information he should not be sharing with my husband, and both of them using their personal power and connections rather than going through appropriate channels.
If this were part of a pattern of behavior of being controlling, coercive or secretive, I’d be doubly concerned. I may be reading too far into this, however, his action reeks of the kind of behavior that is designed to drive a wedge between you and your sister – and a husband who tries to unilaterally isolate you from a family member without discussing it frankly with you – is engaged in a form of abuse. Even if he is right that you need to have a plan, or take precautions when it comes to your sister, this was absolutely, 100%, the completely wrong way to go about that.
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What your husband did is something I would do but not for the reasons your husband gave you. If I were to do it, it would be because I loved you and she was part of my family. If something was to happen to her it would effect you and therefore our family. I would be protecting you by trying to protect her as well.
As for being a suspect in a robbery is something she may not even be aware of. When questioned, if she was questioned, the police have no reason to inform her that she is a suspect, nor are they required too. To give her the total benefit of the doubt she may not even be aware her boyfriend committed a robbery while she was with him.
Still while your husbands given reason are somewhat suspect. Is it possible that his underlying reason is his love for you and your family both your immediate family and your extended family. If so then maybe you could be over reacting. If his reasons are more suspect than that; then no you are not over reacting. Your father in-law though has to of had a better reason for checking other than his son asking as using those resources for non related police business is a wrongful act on his part. So somewhere family love for you just maybe involved.
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