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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
My boyfriend got a phone number from a chick. I found the number and confronted him. He says they only talked on the phone and never spent any time with her. When I called her she stated the same. Was he cheating by getting her number and calling her?
The Answer
Did she know he had a girlfriend? Was he merely making a new friend, who happened to be female?
Cheating is about betrayal. It's about deceit.
If he was honest with her, then he wasn't being deceitful. He should have mentioned this new friend to you. That was a lie of omission that reduced trust.
Does it means he cheated? Or will cheat? Not necessarily.
But he did make a mistake, and it's one he should apologize for and not make again.
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The Question
So I've been talking to this guy for like 2 weeks off and on. I think we get along really great and have a ton in common and could have possibilities but he's being really insistent on me consistently complimenting him and it's really irritating me.
I can not stand attention whores and he's starting to act like one. He was away for one single day and he left me this message saying he'd miss me with a heart on fb before he left which I didn't respond to since he was going to be away without internet I knew he wouldn't get the message so I just assumed I'd wait until he came back. Well then he came back and acted all hurt that I didn't leave a message but I told him I was going to when he came back and he got upset and said I should have just left one anyways because it wasn't like the message would vanish.
He also commented on one of my photos saying how cute I was but it was a really old photo from like 3 years ago so I just said "Lol that's such an old photo but thank you." and he got upset about that too asking why I didn't say something sweet back.
Then he said "I'm just saying you should know being warm and saying nice/loving things is VERY important to me"... like I just thought that was fishing for compliments.
We aren't even going out we've just been messaging and talking on the phone and he's already acting like he expects stuff out of me and he said because where he's living right now for religious reasons that we wouldn't meet for quite a while.
Well I think that's grounds alone for him not to expect anything of me and for us to just be normal friends until he can come back to America and actually hang out with me and see if we have chemistry face to face.
He then said "I'm sure you've felt the warmness coming from me before through compliments I've given you" which he's relating to the facebook comments and messages but come on those are just random sentences that don't mean anything. People compliment each other over facebook all the time and sorry if I can't feel warmness for some guy I've only talked to and messaged.
So anyways just to get over the conversation I apologized but he kept beating at it and going on about it!
He said this as well which I think was a little over exaggerated "I mean think about it. we'd have to have a pretty strong reason to want to be together rather than with somebody close by and convenient. So to say no warm lovey stuff before we meet is craziness. We obviously like each other more than anyone close by, so theres no reason we cant express it." Doesn't that sound at least a little obnoxious or is it just me?
It's not like I've never complimented him before because I have...a lot. He's just freaking out over the one message I didn't reply to and the compliment I didn't apparently return when he complimented my facebook photo. He also said that if he compliments one of my photos I should compliment his too which I think is bs. Why am I required to force fake sweetness for something I don't really feel? That's a little crazy isn't it?
Then he was like "go ahead lay the compliments on me and then go say something sweet on one of my photos in a cute round about way." LOL WTH? Is this guy psycho or is it just me?
Who the hell tells people straight out that they demand compliments and they demand them now and where everybody can see them? Not even the desperate celebrities on tv do that!
What do you think I should do about this? Do you think this is enough reason to think we could never work and to drop him and just forget we ever met? I really cannot stand attention whores.
The Answer
Drop him.
Is he a psycho or attention whore? It's hard to know really. Online communication can be so stilted, but that is also why you really need to trust your gut.
Is he a good romantic match for you? (or you, for him?) Absolutely NOT.
He has certainly shown at least a tendency to be controlling and obnoxious, and I'd drop a guy for that. But more importantly you know, beyond a doubt, that you are have very different ideas of what this connection is right now, of how is should develop and how you should show respect and care for others.
There is no reason to think a relationship with this guy could work. So let it go.
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The Question
My bf and I of 4 years recently broke up cause of my school schedule and every time we make plans it doesn't happen. Well I always told him I could never be his friend cause it makes it impossible to move on cause part of me will always love him. however, lately he's been texting me all the time saying just cause we can't be together doesn't mean he can give me up altogether. I keep telling him I'm not his "buddy" and he always replies with "you don't really have a choice if you don't wanna be friends ignore me " I can't just ignore him though I end up missing him and I do want to talk but I can't just be his friend... What do I do?
The Answer
You ignore him.
He's being rude, even abusive, when he refuses to accept your clearly and respectful stated preference to NOT pretend you are his best bud.
It's a shitty thing for him to do.
Tell him as much.
When you miss him, go watch a movie, or bake cupcakes.
'Cause you are are right - you can't be your exes friend right after a break up. It doesn't work. You can't comfort someone when you are the cause of their pain and both people need to find comfort and friendship elsewhere in order to move on.
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The Question
I just moved into an apartment complex and im really excited to be out on my own. But no one told me how LOUD and INSENSITIVE people are. I got 4 hours of sleep last night because people were up having a party til 4 in the morning and this morning someones stupid dog wouldn't shut up. I called to complain about the noise issue but they said there is only so much they can do. I have a very unsafe and demanding job and I require my 8 hours of sleep to be at my best. I can't get out of my lease cuz it will cost me three months rent and it took me months to find a place to begin with. Advice from anyone who's lived in an apartment would be appreciated!!!!!
The Answer
I've lived in apartments and coops most of my adult life, and yes, there is a lot of ambient noise you need to learn to deal with - music, footsteps, chatter in the halls, running water - I taught myself to sleep with earplugs in when I was still in university, because you can only expect people to be so quite.
For example - you can fairly expect people not to be having loud parties at 4am. But to address that you have to call the building (or the police) when it's happening, they can't do anything the next morning, even if you are certain where it's coming from.
If an apartment allows pets, some morning barking is also to be expected... Lots of people choose apartments that DON'T allow pets for exactly that reason.
If you are close to the bottom of a large building (IE, on floor 4 or below) you might ask the building if they have a unit you can shift into higher up. I live in a very busy urban area and I always try to live on the 10th floor or higher so I get above a lot of the street noise.
And like I said, earplugs. If you fall in love with a snorer you'll be glad you took the few weeks of discomfort to learn how to sleep comfortably in em.
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The Question
Im a religious person, and in my opinion, zodiacs, horoscopes and the like are a bunch of malarkey. wel, out of curiosity, I looked it up, and I'm a cancer. The description of a Cancer is almost eniiiirely accurate to how I act, what I feel, who I am, etc.
Does anyone else notice that?? is the Zodiac creepily accurate to anyone else? Just wondering if Im going insane. XD
The Answer
Your first instinct was correct: Total Malarkey.
Zodiac signs are legitimately entertaining, but have no direct relationship with who we are or how we relate to others. Horoscopes are bullshit.
I could go into all the ways that our the modern 'zodiac' in newspapers is a complete bastardization of the actual Hellenistic and Babylonian astronomy, and all the ways horoscopes appear to work, but are simply mind tricks, but it's probably best you just watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haP7Ys9ocTk
It sums it up nicely. If you want to learn more about the science behind it, google the Barnum and Forer effect.
Horoscopes are an interesting neurological phenomenon, but they don't mean anything. The only 'truth' in them, is the truth you THINK you see in them.
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The Question
wasn't exactly sure what category to put this in.
my boyfriend's sister is constantly staying over our home. every now and then, there'll be a length of time where she might not come over for a whole week, or even sometimes two weeks but it's really she comes over one day a week (always stays the night) into half of the next day cause then she has to work, or it turns into a couple days either in a row or sporadic throughout the week.
my issue is, i have (never been vocalized cause it would just not be a good idea, all hell would unleash) issues with her and i have issues with the fact that both she and my boyfriend never ask if it's ok if she comes over. not that she even ASKS my boyfriend, i've been with them when we're all sitting together and she just outright says,"oh, i'm staying over tomorrow. and i have to wednesday. and saturday." (she works late hours sometimes at her job and cannot get a bus home. which i might understand if she ASKED but i feel she could also tell her job she cannot work that late, she probably took those hours assuming that it'd be ok that she could just crash at our house.)
so during this time she's in our house, i'm not comfortable to do what i want to do. i feel i HAVE to entertain, when i'm never in the mood to. then my boyfriend sits on the computer (we don't own a television so that's all we have to do in our home really, i either read or do a craft or we go outside and do something) so i'm forced to sit there and hang out with his sister, while THEY are the ones that want her there, not i. it puts me in a terrible mood when i'm out doing something and i go on the internet on my phone and see her trying to make plans with people around the area i live in (cause i know that means she's still there after i've left my house) and especially "late night plans" cause i know that means she's going to be staying the night.
my boyfriend never tells her no, sometimes he doesn't even say "ok" to her, he'll just keep doing whatever he's doing and i guess his silence is supposed to mean "yes". neither of them look at me whenever she makes these claims like i have to be asked as well if it's alright. she never asks if we're busy or if i may have something to do. he even at one point told her she could basically live with us...in our small one bedroom apartment. the only time he even asked me if this was ok, was whenever he already told her she COULD. but when he did, i did explain to him as nice as i could that i didn't want to be living with ANYONE right now seeing as we just moved out of homes with our friends where we lived with 8 other people, i liked this privacy we had. yet still after explaining this, he'll tell her she can stay over and the offer's still out there. it's like i don't live there, even though i originally put the deposit down on the rent cause my boyfriend (he DID have the money) got his money stolen from him, i pretty much go and pay the bills (he gives me the money but he always forgets to go pay them so i have to) and 98% of everything in that apartment is mine, i've been working very hard to decorate and furnish this place and make it feel like a home and now i have i barely want to decorate the only other room in the house because that's where she constantly crashes. i've never been thanked for having her over, she never does dishes or anything as a small favor for being there, i clean up after her cigarette ashes and empty bottles of soda she leaves sitting around, i have a couple of her shoes and clothes still there that she's left weeks ago. she even was telling me today how she wished we had a television so she could watch movies whenever she sleeps in the other room, so now i don't even want to own a television anymore, that just gives her more incentive to hang out. he also still tries to cuddle with me and kiss, etc., sometimes whenever she's RIGHT in the next room! that doesn't exactly put me in the mood and then whenever we sometimes have started kissing and cuddling, (we have the bathroom in our bedroom so she has to come into our room to go) she'll just come right into the bedroom with no knocking and then i get all embarassed. HOW COULD WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER?
sorry for this rant, but i'm at my wits end. it's been going on like this the entire time we've been living in this apartment and now i have to worry about all the apartments after that. i just don't know if there's a way to word things so that i get my point across but nobody gets truly offended - i know when it comes to families and girlfriends and issues it's never a good thing. it's getting to the point where i literally just come home, sit around in silence and then go to bed and sleep in till i have to work just so i don't have to be forced to hang out with her and then hope by the time i come home from work she's gone.
i've tried to look on forums and things for any type of advice and everyone says to tell them specific times that they're welcome to say,"oh it's been great having you but i have to get to bed, i have to work in the morning." but that's not going to work, she would just say ok and bye to me and just continue sitting there and then go to bed when my boyfriend decides to go to bed.
just UGHAGHGHGHSDI, what would anybody else do or say in this situation?
The Answer
You need to tell your boyfriend that this is a deal breaker.
'Cause it is. This will end your relationship with him. Too much resentment, too much silence and too much disrespect for you two to continue as a couple.
You can't be this unhappy in your own home. If he can't act as a united front with you, and come to some compromises with his sister, then that's it. The relationship is going to end. Sooner or later, you are going to leave him, because no one can live this way in their own home.
That's the truth. It sucks. But it's true. Tell him as much. He needs to understand the stakes here.
If he isn't willing to fight for your relationship and find at least some ways to address your unhappiness with his (and his sisters) behavoir, then it might be time to figure out how to end the relationship and find another place to live.
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The Question
So, this is my first time using this site but it seems like everyones answers are really good advice, and I'm stuck. My boyfriend of a little over a year, helped me out about 4 months ago when I didn't have a place to live-let me move in to his place. When my girlfriend found a place with 3 other chicks (that are quite the partiers) I put money down for the place and didn't tell my bf about it. He later found out on fb that we were all moving in together. He instantly tells me to move out, go have fun with my new dyke roommates and is very upset I lied to him. I knew how he felt about these girls...I was just nervous I wasn't going to have a place to live. I calmed him down, turned down the place with my friend n currently am still living with him as I am finding a new home.So now a month has gone by and the situation keeps getting brought up. Plus he constantly thinks I am disrespecting him as I don't have much to bring to the table i.e. home, car rides (i dont have a car) and Im doing what i can to have groceries always stocked and bringing food home after work. He still wants some sort of making up for the lying. It was almost the end of our relationship and he can't wrap his head around any of it anymore. Last night, he kicked me out...to the point where i had all my stuff out and he said if i left that would be the end of us..but then I begged for one last chance to show my love and respect for him. Now I'm stuck, this conversation has been brought up countless times and he still fails to see any change in me. How can I change? What can I do differently to actually show that I am so grateful for the things he does for me and given me? cause obviously i've failed so far... HELP!
The Answer
Dump him.
You made a mistake when you didn't tell him what your decision was. By not telling him upfront, you only supported his idea that what you were doing was 'wrong' and 'bad.
If you don't stand up for your choices, why would someone else respect them?
But that's not why you should dump him - not all by itself.
The reason you should dump him is because he expects you to prove that you love and respect him. These are not things that can be proven. You must trust your partner when they tell you that they love you and respect you.
He's punishing you. Disrespecting you. Belittling your ability to choose for yourself.
And you are at a low point in your life, so you can't see how utterly wrong his behavoir is.
You can't 'change' enough to keep this person happy. Stop trying. You'll kill yourself with desperation for the respect and love her wont give you - he'll just keep dragging you through the dirt making your 'prove' you are worthy of his love.
You can't do it. No one could.
You haven't failed. He's created a situation where it is literally impossible to succeed.
Love isn't something you earn or prove. It's something you give freely, with dignity and respect.
He's not willing to do that. He might love you, but he's not able to love you in a healthy respectful way right now. You might be grateful for all he's done, but if he can't do that the relationship is dead no matter your errors.
Break up with him.
Find another place to live.
Almost anywhere would be healthier than this.
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The Question
I like this one guy more than just as a friend.
We see each other nearly every day. We're both intelligent, mature, and responsible. We share similar interests, like being around each other, and make each other laugh. He would never hurt me or himself, or take advantage of anyone.
The problem is, I'm 16. He's 22.
Is this crush too inappropriate?
(Before you make your decision, I can at least tell you it's not a solely physical attraction. I don't think he's good-looking, honestly.)
I could wait until I'm 20 and he's 26—it would be less frowned upon—but I can just imagine him already getting married by then.
I would really appreciate any thoughts on this.
The Answer
In some states, a relationship (especially a sexual one) between the two of you would be illegal.
Which means it could ruin his life, land him in jail and on a sex offenders list.
If you live in one of those states, then yeah, this is inappropriate, because you shouldn't put someone else at risk like that.
If you don't live in an area where his life could be ruined for dating you, then you might want to fess up and see where it can go.
The truth is that a relationship at your ages is risky. No matter how mature you are, you can't be 22. Your next 2-4 years of life are likely to bring you completely different experiences and goals than his will bring him. No matter how many similarities you see, you are still at very different places in your lives in many, many ways.
So it's risky. Trying to talk across the divide of 4-6 years from a teenager to a twenty something is really difficult.
He might not want to take that risk.
He might like you a lot, but not see you a viable partner, someone who could have the kind of a relationship he wants at this point in his life, because of your age.
And he might be totally right about that.
So take the risk and talk to him.
If he shoots you down, for whatever reason, take a deep breath and move on.
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The Question
I am 19/f and I attend a medical college. As long as I've been in school, all my teachers have told us it is important to take a multi-vitamin everyday, especially of you don't get a lot of it in your diet. As I was in the store the other day trying to find a multi-vitamin the lady from the little clinic came over and asked if I needed help finding one. She said I shouldn't take ANY vitamins becaus if you don't think your deficient in anything, you could be over vitaminizing yourself. Which is bad. She also told me if I do start taking them, if I don't feel better in a week or so to stop taking them because my bones are still growing. So I am confused on if I should be taking vitamins or not. All it is is a multi vitamin. Are they fine to take? Or should I restrain? Thank you !
The Answer
You can take a basic multivitamin without any concern of over dosing or worrying about your bones (I'm not even sure why she said that... it makes no sense to me... Most women your age don't get enough calcium, iron or vitamin C in their diets, so a multivitamin should be great for your bones...)
Your teachers (the medical professionals I suspect) are right. The lady selling over the counter pills is wrong (was she even a pharmacist?).
It's very difficult to overdose on multivitamins. It's more possible if you are taking megadoses like vitamin C tablets or Iron supplements in addition to your multivitamin, but even still, it's exceedingly unlikely if you follow the recommended doses.
So take the dose that is recommended by bottle. It'll be well within a safe margin to avoid over dosing. If you make a habit of eating special protein bars or shakes, then you might want to talk to your doctor to make sure you are not at any risk of over doing any of those nutrients - but odds are that you aren't.
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The Question
A very dear friend of mine, Ryan, was told this morning, by his ex girlfriend, Jenna, that she has HPV. Jenna has had very few partners before my friend. Her friend, Tori, was also a previous partner of Ryan's. Tori apparently knew that she had HPV shortly after she slept with Ryan which was about a year ago. Ryan never knew he had HPV until this morning when Jenna called him hysterical crying after the results of her STD exam came back positive for HPV. There is no doubt in Jenna nor Ryan's minds that Ryan was who gave Jenna and Tori HPV.
Here's the questions:
1. Because Ryan unknowingly gave these two women HPV, is he at risk for any legal repercussions?
2. If there are legal repercussions, is Tori responsible for not having notified Ryan, when she knew that he was a strong candidate for having given her the virus?
3. Does Ryan have a legal obligation to notify his past partners? If so, how far back into his sex life is he required to go back? He has slept with 16 women, the first two of which were 100% not HPV positive. A year ago, he slept with a woman who has since been tested and is negative for HPV.
4. His doctor said that the only test he can do to test Ryan for HPV is a visual wart exam. Is this true? Is there nothing else he can do?
5. How long should Ryan refrain from sexual encounters? How long can it remain in your system?
6. If one of the girls he infected with HPV develops medical problems or cervical cancer, is Ryan legally entirely to blame for that? There were times that he engaged in consensual non-protected sex.
Thank you very much for your time.
The Answer
1, 2, 3 and 6 are relatively straightforward. At the moment, there is no precedent in the states for any legal action against a person who didn't know they were infected with an STI OR who was infected a partner with HPV.
The legal repercussion at this point have generally been restricted to people who knew they were infected, and who infected their partners with STIs that had much more serious health implications, like herpes and HIV.
HPV is so common that at least 50% of sexually active men and women get it at some point in their lives. (Some studies put it as high as 70%), and the only substantial risk from it is cervical cancer for women, and even still, most women who have HPV will not develop cervical cancer.
I'm not trying to downplay cervical cancer (which is very serious and women need to be getting regularly screened for it), I'm only trying to point out the difference between HPV in prevalence and risks as opposed to say, HIV. Those differences are a large part of why there will be no civil or criminal repercussions for your friend.
Ryan should tell his sexual partners tho, if he knows he has/or has been exposed to HPV. His exes might be able to tell him what strain it is - some strains are more dangerous than others.
4.) This is true. There is no reliable test for HPV in men.
5.) HPV can stay forever, or be purged in hours. There is no way for him to know. Ryan should find out what strain of HPV his exes have. If it's a wart-causing strain and he's never had warts, he might be safe to assume he doesn't have it. If it's a strain linked to cervical cancer, he should let his partners he might have that strain of HPV and use condoms - which can reduce the risk of transmission - but not eliminate it.
I understand that this is really stressful for your friend, but as I wrap this up, lets recap:
HPV is REALLY common. It might be one of the most common human viruses ever.
Most sexually active people with catch it at some point in their lives.
Most people with HPV will never know they have it.
Most people's body will overcome it in time.
There is no 100% way for a man to know if he has it, or if his body has overcome it.
Most women with HPV will NOT develop cervical cancer.
Sexually active women should be getting yearly check up and regular STI checks, so that if they do get something like cervical cancer (or are at risk for it), it can be caught early, when it's very, very treatable.
So in the end, this is a really good chance for your friend and these women to educate themselves about something they really should know. As scary as it sounds, it's really not as catastrophic as it first seems.
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The Question
So, a few days ago I adopted a cat.
I'm a college student and I'm paying my way through school so I don't have a lot of money. I have a enough to take care of the cat though.
But yesterday I found out my apartment asks for a $400 dollar pet deposit which I cannot afford right now. I
After school I only have about $500 a month for groceries and things.
So far, I haven't told my apartment I adopted a cat. What do you think is the worst they would do if they eventually found out? Just ask I pay it?
Should I tell them and try to work out a payment plan or something. I'm just worried they'll want all the money up front and I have no way to do that. I would be devastated if I had to give her up.
I'm just looking for advice on the smartest actions.
The Answer
Two Things.
One.
Find out what tenant societies exist in your city/area. In many places, pet restrictions or fees are against the law. So, that's your first move.
Two.
Start saving. Consider asking friends to lend you some money, or selling old text books, or even putting it on a credit card if you must. If I were in your shoes, I'd give myself a few weeks to get the money together, but that's it. If a pet deposit is legal (and it very well may be), then that is part of the cost of owning a pet, and you need to be prepared to pay it. Paying what it costs to keep your pet it just part of being a responsible owner. Frankly, if she is worth that much to you, she might be worth going into debt to friends, family or Visa in order to keep.
The worst your apartment could do to PROBABLY is demand you pay it AND a fee or interest, but even that is unlikely. If you are otherwise a good tenant, they'll probably just ask for the deposit.
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The Question
Male/17. I have never had sex and have never done illegal drugs. I went to urinate a little while ago and it had a slight burning sensation, after that I took a look at the hole, and pulled out a small sample of white goo. It's a little thicker than semen. I usually would mastrabate once or twice a day. But I stopped for a few days then mastrabated about 7 times yesterday. I did not mastrabate today at all. I'm worried that there might be some infection or rare STD being transmitted without sex or drugs. The ONLY sexual activity I have done is mastrabation. What is this goo? And what should I do? I don't wanna tell my mom, and I'm scared to pee now. This has never happened to me before. I shower daily, all I've had to drink today was one can of ginger ale and a lot of water. I don't want any problems with my area down there.
The Answer
Go to a doctor. Sooner rather than later.
I'm no doctor, but I'd put pretty good money on what you are describing being a UTI, which will only get worse and more painful. It's not a serious infection tho - so long as it gets treated in the early stages.
So please. See a doctor.
EDIT
No. Please! Don't wait for it happen again!
Painful urination is NOT the kind of thing you wait and see about. You gotta tell your Mom now!
This really does sound like a UTI to me, and UTIs should be easy to treat, but if they are left untreated the germs may travel to your kidneys, and that will mean a hospital visit or the infection can spread to your blood, which can be life-threatening.
Nip this is the bud now. It's the worth investment to go to a doctor now.
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The Question
Hey everyone!
I have been noticing something here on this website, and it's annoying me at an excessive level. How can people be like this?
I just saw a question about how there's a 24 year old woman who wanted to be with a 21 year old man, and the answers are all like "oh your age gap is not a problem"
But when there's a question about a 14 year old girl wanting to be with a 17 year old, the answers say "he's too old for you." -.- Really? It's the same thing! The age gap is the same size, yet people make such a big deal of it when the people are younger. >:(
Why does it have to be this way? Is there a specific reason why people don't think that an age difference matters at an older age, but when it happens with teenagers, people disapprove right away?
Can anyone PLEASE explain to me why? It just doesn't make sense to me. This angers me in ways I can't even understand.
Thank you to everyone who answers in advance, really.
The Answer
Well, different columnists are going to give different advice, and there is a lot more to most questions beyond the age.
But you are still right. Given those ages, those would be the most frequent responses.
And they are perfectly correct.
If it were just so simple as just the number of years between two people, then you wouldn't have a problem with a 11 year old dating a 15 year old - Right?
No. Of course that is a problem.
11 year old's have barely hit puberty. 15 year old's want totally different kinds of relationships than 11 year old's. They know about different things and expect different things. They have a lot more power and choices than an 11 year old.
Here are a few more reasons it's a lot more complicated than just the number of years between people.
ONE.
Age of consent laws mean that in many states and countries, a 14 year old and 17 year old having sex would be criminal. In some cases, just dating is enough to for the courts to assume sexual interference, a charge which can literally ruin the 17 year old's life.
Whether you are agree or disagree with those laws, no one can - in good conscience - advise someone to get into a relationship that might risk one partners life like that.
TWO.
It's not about number of years between two people birth dates, it's about the number of years on the planet and what happens in those years.
Age is not just an arbitrary number; it’s a solid gauge for life-experience and a loose one for self-awareness. It is a fairly accurate measurement that describes what you've done and what sort of things you'll need to do in the near future.
What a 14 year old has to achieve in the next 2 years of life is completely and utterly different from what a 17 year old does. What a 21 and 24 year old have to do is likely to be much, much more similar. They are either both working, or both need to finish (or will have finished) post-secondary and they need to begin careers and learn to live as adults. A 14 year old has to finish high school. A seventeen year old has to begin college or enter the workforce.
Age differences don’t mean very much at all when two people are in similar places in life, like when they are both still in school or both out in the workforce... But at 14 and 17 their worlds are completely different. Or at least, they should be. Their goals and desires from a relationship should be pretty different too. If someone, at 17, has the kind of wishes and expectations for a relationship that are compatible with someone who is only 14, that doesn’t say positive things about the older teen. Developmentally they should be ready and willing to be in a different kind of a relationship.
THREE
Respect, power and the ability to self-determine.
In a health relationship, both people need to be able to make choices with equal power and that command equal respect.
And that can't necessarily happen in your teens. There is a huge difference in how much legal and societal respect the choices of a 14 year old are given, and how much a 17 year old gets.
In many ways, these two people can't be peers who make choices with equal weight. The 17 year old will keep getting more options and more control over their own life, which sets up a dangerous power imbalance in the relationship that wont really level out until the younger person turns 19 or 20.
In the end, we give advice here and we don't know the people we are talking about. No one can say for sure that a 14 year old and 17 year old wont fall in love and live happily ever after. What we can say for sure is that it'll be a harder and more risky situation than two people in their twenties.
And that is the truth. No matter how angry it might make you. It's perfectly reasonable to advise against a 14 and 17 year old dating, and to not consider the age difference a problem between a 21 and 24 year old.
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The Question
My mom and I fight a lot over contacts. I use one-day lenses and take good care of my eyes, but my mom thinks I'm going to get scratches, infections, and eventually go blind. Once, she actually begged me, and although I feel bad,I CAN'T wear glasses. Yes, vanity, I know. But I feel so ugly and worthless in them (overdramatic, I know) and I do know I look very different. I know that maybe I should just give them up for the sake of our relationship(she talks about how stressed she gets whenever she thinks of my eyes), but I feel like that means giving up my self-esteem.Not to mention I think she's completely overreacting. Today, she was complaining again about having to make eye check up appointments and I got annoyed and told her I'm not going to wear glasses no matter what she says and that she's making a big deal out of nothing. She started SCREAMING at me on the top of her lungs until I finally escaped into my room. Later, she demanded I go out shopping for new glasses in hopes I'll wear them (I've shopped for many pairs of glasses, it's all the same. I like myself in contacts much better). I was busy and told her no (this entire exchange wasn't very pleasant) and we got in another fight. She started yelling that she's done trying to be a good mom and that she doesn't care anymore and started attacking me, shoving and hitting my arms. She was in my face and kept shaking me. I grabbed her arms (partly out of anger, partly out of self defense) and was screaming. She kept coming at me, at one point grabbing a chair. She shouted things like "How DARE you grab my arms. How dare you defend yourself/fight back. Do you know how many other Asian children grow up getting hit. It's perfectly normal for parents to discipline their kids like this once in a while. Yes, you're right, I am crazy! You made me like this. I'm always letting you do whatever you want, eating so much candy all the time and wearing contacts." And yes, that was seriously her complaint. I know I'm sassy sometimes, but mostly it's when something like this happens and I'm trying to get her back a few days later. I mean, I don't think she's abusive (psychotic maybe) but I don't understand why I have to go through such drama about something like contacts! It's rare, but certainly not her first time losing it. I was crying really hard and we decided to temporarily stop speaking and she thinks I have mental issues because I care so much about my appearance (which I think is typical for teens). I don't know how to get over this. I refuse to apologize because she raised her voice first and put her hands on me. Esp. over such a trivial issue. She goes on and on about how it's for my health, but I don't think contacts are that problematic. Is she right about the danger or is she kind of out of control?
HELP. Sometimes I hate her.
15/F (Sorry you guys had to read all of this)
The Answer
Is she paying for your lenses?
Is she driving you to and from your eye doctor appointments?
Have you invited her to join you with the eye doctor, so all three of you can talk about the risks (or lack there of) of daily contact use and the doctor can verify for you and your mom that you are taking good care of your eyes?
It sounds like she doesn't understand the very minimal dangers modern one-day lenses, but if you haven't taken her by the hand and had her worries addressed by your doctor, then frankly, you haven't done enough to offer her the reassurance and information she deserves.
Yes - she's very wrong to grab at you in anger. There is no excusing that, but the amount of force you describe here would not be illegal in the US. You can report it and you should speak to an adult you can trust about it, but you should also know that although it might be wrong, it is not likely to be considered child abuse.
So, ask yourself these questions:
Are you the things you can to respect the money and time she is investing into your contacts?
Do you expect your parents to pay for something that they disagree with or are made uncomfortable by?
Do YOU actually know about the risks of your contacts and how to use them correctly?
While it's legitimate to feel vain and dislike glasses, it's not legitimate to refuse to compromise with your parents on issues like this, especially if they are paying for them, driving you to and from your appointments and you haven't done everything you can to make sure they are informed and aware of the choices you are making.
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The Question
13/f
found out yesterday that my dad was adopted! and, my 'foster grandma' also died last weekend. i felt so bad but now im just realizing all these things, like, I used to think Iwas scottish but now i have no Idea what I could be. I know im being dumb but I feel like Ive been lied to. I just wish I knew my reall backround. like, at the doctor when they (the doctor) asked if there was any past of liver cancer in my family, my mom said, 'on my side, but I'm not sure about her fathers' now I get what she meant! I just want to know how I should take this.
The Answer
You need to relax a bit.
Yes - it's surprising and upsetting, but it's also your Dad's life, and probably a difficult part of your Dad's life.
You haven't been lied too. You've been a kid. Kid's don't always get to know everything about their parents lives, especially not the stuff that is hard to explain or tough to talk about.
So remember that no matter how a big a deal this feels like for you, it's a way, way, way bigger deal for your Dad. Loosing a parent (even an adoptive parent) is also a really tough time. It can be one of the most difficult things a person ever goes through.
So don't be self involved about this. Ask your Mom and Dad about his childhood and what he knows, but do it gently and lovingly. Respect that it might be tough for him and there might be lots of things he really doesn't know. He's learned to live with that, and you might need to learn to live with it too.
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The Question
So I met this guy online and we've been talking almost constantly for a week or so and I think he's really wonderful. He's a total sweetheart who has a great job and wants to do everything he can to help me.
At first the only problem I really had was that he's like everything I want but I'm not attracted to him at all. I was so disappointed when I webcammed with him and found out that he didn't really look like I thought he would but I think I could get over that and that with a different haircut and clean shaven as well as face to face he might look much nicer than he did on webcam.
So I'd gotten over that.
He's been telling me all along that there's been something bigger going on in his life that he hasn't told me about yet and when I first started talking to him he was in the hospital for a UTI and "other things". He also mentioned today that he talked to doctors a lot.
I wasn't trying to snoop but I did want to find out if the photo of his house that was on his profile was real so I googled his name. The first result that came up was on a forum with a user under his name begging for help from people because he was in so much pain from a spinal injury and that he'd been in a wheelchair since he was 9.
I know there's more than one person with his name but it sort of makes sense. When we webcammed he was lying down and never sat up and he said he had been through abuse as a child. I think maybe that's the "big" thing that he had been talking about.
Another thing is being as sweet as he is I mentioned earlier that I was trying to sell things to save up for a new laptop and he said "I can buy you one next month". Of course I turned his offer down but the "next month" thing makes me think he probably gets disability checks once a month.
Then again though he said he'd dated A LOT before and I can't see somebody in a wheelchair dating a lot. We had also made plans that we were going to meet up and go to the mall,out to eat,to the movies and to a nature park and I don't think somebody who's physically disabled would want to do all of those things but I suppose they could just fine they would just be in a chair.
What do you think?
Also if he is disabled how do I handle that? I get super emotional around people who are hurt because I have a brother who was in a horrible car crash that left him with a few disabilities (though none mentally). I tend to "baby" them and always ask if they're okay or need help.
Also I don't think I could date somebody who was in a wheelchair. Does that make me an awful person? I think he's absolutely wonderful but I'm not good at taking care of adults...I wouldn't be comfortable because I'd always be worried I was going to hurt him or that I wouldn't be able to help him...
The Answer
Does it matter?
A.) You aren't attracted to him.
B.) If he HAS been actively hiding his disability from you, that's a bit of questionable choice and might even be fundamentally dishonest (and kind of dumb) on his part.
C.) He's being creepy offering to buy you a laptop after knowing him for a week.
That's last one is weird. It's not even sweet. It's just weird. It also sounds like he might be a good deal older than you.
So cool it off, stop chatting him up so much, and make it clear he is just a friend.
I'm sure a person in a wheelchair could date frequently (and really, anyone can date frequently if they go around offering to buy people they barely know expensive things like laptops). He'd also be more than capable of going to the mall and out for food in a wheelchair. These are places that are generally completely accessible these days.
Does it make you a bad person for not wanting to date someone in a wheelchair? Well, honestly it's is the kind of thing I think you should try to stay open to in your life, but it hardly makes you a bad person if it's not something you are capable of doing in a healthy and happy way at the moment.
The far more important question right now is: Do you really want to date this guy who you don't find attractive, who you think has been less than honest with you, and who says silly things like 'I'll buy you a laptop when I get the money'? In your shoes, I wouldn't want to date this person. That's something you need to be honest about, regardless of any health issues he might have.
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The Question
My girlfriend and I have problems,, she thinks that she's a lesbian,, I keep telling her that she can't be a lesbian if she hasn't done anything or have feelings for another girl... She wants to break up because of it and I don't know what to say to show her that she's not the lesbian type... I don't want to loose her,, what must I do???
The Answer
You can't do anything. The only correct thing to do is to respect her.
If you can't take the 'not knowing' and the drama of her questioning and figuring it out, then you need to break up with her.
Nothing you can say, or do, is going to convince her she's 'not the lesbian type'. She's going to have to figure this out on her own.
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The Question
Hey Razhie,
I can't remember if it's you, but I vaguely remember a user that has an in depth knowledge of psychological issues. Is this you?
I have some 'issues' and stuff, that it would be nice to get some thoughts on. I'm not asking you to psychoanalyze me, or take the place of a trained professional - just give your thoughts on?
So yes, it would be pointless to ask my question if indeed it is not you.
Thanks!
The Answer
I'm not quite sure what would qualify as in depth but not professional. I am certainly no pro, but I do answer a good number of mental health questions here on Advicenators when they touch on my areas of personal experience or knowledge. I have had an interest in neurology and cognitive science for many years, so my answers tend to be very rooted in the biological, rather than the spiritual or new age understandings.
I'm happy to answer your questions as well as I can (or straight up tell you that I can't.)
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The Question
We've been married 19 years. Divorce has crossed my mind, but would be difficult due to many reasons.
We both work full time and have an equine business on the side at home. We've raised three children, the kids turned out pretty good in spite.
The last 10 years or so, my husband really gets on my nerves and it is only escalating. I try my best to avoid him, so I pretend to be roommates and we just go our separate ways. There are some things in day to day life we have to discuss, such as chores to be done, work with the animals, but each and every time, with everything I say he disagrees with me to the point that nothing gets accomplished, unless I do it myself, and I can't do it all alone.
It's not that he wants to do things his way, he finds a hundred reasons not to do them at all.
He's very lackluster and apathetic, until he gets mad. Then he belittles me, and throws up every negative situation we've ever faced in my face making it out to be my fault.
He's also very arrogant about anything he has done, such as help pay for my dental work. I've heard it over and over how good he is, and how bad I am because I didn't have all the money myself.
Counseling is out, can't afford it, and he wouldn't go anyway.
I don't want to be in the same room--let alone same car as him. Going somewhere together only makes the tension worse. If we have friends over, which is rare. He makes sure to get jabs in at me, to the point he does make himself look stupid and no one enjoys themselves. Same goes for family events. It's so embarrassing, I'd rather not go.
I don't want a romantic connection anymore, but I do want peace and a working partnership with consideration. Talking will do no good, will instigate an argument.
Any suggestions to open his eyes?
The Answer
If you won't talk to him, and you wont seek therapy (even if you go alone, just for yourself) then you've more or less decided to just stay on the same path you are on right now.
When you decide to get off this path talking and therapy are your best bets for change but it's okay to simply not be in a place yet where that feels possible. In the meantime, you might try picking up a book lots of women have found helpful when they get trapped in these patterns with their partners and family called Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.
Besides the issues in your marriage, you might try building a small network of friends just for you. A book club, even an online one or forum. A meet-up or class for an interest you have separate from him. Even just taking an extra long bubble path once or twice a week - something that doesn't cost much (or anything) but is an investment of a bit of time where you make a choice to do something just for you.
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The Question
Hey, female, 18. Just moved into University about 4 days ago. There is a guy from my high school going here, in high school I thought he was so cute and we talked and all but I didn't think there was anything there especially because I was a nerd in the marching band and he was a star on the football team. Well, freshmen year, he was put in the same class as a close friend of mine and they had a nice little chat. She said he was happy that they chatted because she thought he was the biggest douschebag. So, we were texting and I told him that and that she's happy they chatted and he isn't a douschebag. He texted me back and said 'what the hell, i'm not a douschebag!' So, I just told him that he comes off as a little bit of one and he just replied back with "oh..." so I told him I didn't mean to offend him. We argued for a good 15 minutes eventually me getting to "well, most jocks are douschebags so it's okay, haha" just joking around and he said "I'm not the typical jock, (my name)" Like, he was trying so hard to prove to me (when I wasn't even the initial subject to our conversation even starting) that he wasn't a douschebag. He stopped texting me back after I told him that I never said he was mean, I just said he comes off as a little douscher. Now I don't know if he's mad, if I bruised his ego haha or if he does have feelings for me because he tried proving to me that he was a nice kid. I just don't know what to think about anything or even to what to say to him now. Help?
The Answer
Apologize.
You were rude. It's true that people make assumptions about athletes and popular people - but you should have ended it there.
You should have apologized up front for thinking he was a 'typical jock' and thanked him for remind you how wrong those sorts of stereotypes can be. Telling someone they "off as a little douscher" is mean. It doesn't matter if you didn't mean to offend him, it IS offensive to call someone that.
There are lots of nicer, more respectful ways to let a person know if a way they behave put other people off. Or to let them know they people make assumptions about them. The way you did it wasn't nice, so you should apologize to him.
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