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I lied to my boyfriend about moving in with my friends he doesnt approve of
So, this is my first time using this site but it seems like everyones answers are really good advice, and I'm stuck. My boyfriend of a little over a year, helped me out about 4 months ago when I didn't have a place to live-let me move in to his place. When my girlfriend found a place with 3 other chicks (that are quite the partiers) I put money down for the place and didn't tell my bf about it. He later found out on fb that we were all moving in together. He instantly tells me to move out, go have fun with my new dyke roommates and is very upset I lied to him. I knew how he felt about these girls...I was just nervous I wasn't going to have a place to live. I calmed him down, turned down the place with my friend n currently am still living with him as I am finding a new home.So now a month has gone by and the situation keeps getting brought up. Plus he constantly thinks I am disrespecting him as I don't have much to bring to the table i.e. home, car rides (i dont have a car) and Im doing what i can to have groceries always stocked and bringing food home after work. He still wants some sort of making up for the lying. It was almost the end of our relationship and he can't wrap his head around any of it anymore. Last night, he kicked me out...to the point where i had all my stuff out and he said if i left that would be the end of us..but then I begged for one last chance to show my love and respect for him. Now I'm stuck, this conversation has been brought up countless times and he still fails to see any change in me. How can I change? What can I do differently to actually show that I am so grateful for the things he does for me and given me? cause obviously i've failed so far... HELP!
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Hi there,
(EDIT: I am adding this after reading back through my answer: Before you even start, I would like to ask you to please be patient and read the whole answer. There are parts where you may feel like I am down on you, but I am not. I am trying to put as many possibilities out there as I can, before I get to the point where I tell you what it really feels like to me.
Thank you, and I promise this will be worth it.)
I have read your question a few times now, and each time I feel like there is a lot missing. Do you think it is possible that some of the issues you two are having could be related to poor communication and a lack of mutual understanding of what is really going on?
I will give you an idea of the questions that what you wrote here brought up in my mind:
Why doesn't he like these girls? You said he referred to them as lesbians, which is odd and shouldn't be part of the discussion unless these are people you have had sex with.
Why didn't you tell him about this? You knew he didn't like the girls, and you knew he would react badly... so, how did you expect him to react when one day, out of the blue, you say something like: "Hey, I gave money to these people you don't like, and I am going to go live with them now, see you later."
How did you imagine that working out? Do you think it would have been better if you kept lying for a longer period of time before he found out?
Can you see where that makes it feel like there is something else hidden, or left out here?
Next question that popped into my head: Why were you afraid you weren't going to have a place to live?
You were afraid that you wouldn't have a place to live... so you lied to the person you live with, pretty much making certain that you would lose your place to live where you are now.
Before this, why were you afraid you wouldn't have a place? Were you two not getting along before this?
As for the constantly disrespecting him thing... I don't get it. Does he say: "You are disrespecting me because I have to drive you places." or what?
I can't imagine someone actually saying anything like that, but if he is, then you need to get out of this relationship now.
Another question: You said he kicked you out... but then said if you left it would be over?
Can you see how that doesn't sound right?
If you left something out, that is one thing, but if he put your stuff outside, then told you if you left, it would be bad... that is a serious control issue, and you may be in over your head.
When someone brings something up, over and over again, there are usually only a couple reasons, in my experience:
1) They want to beat you up over it some more.
2) You think the situation is resolved, and don't want to deal with it, but they have unanswered questions, so it isn't old news for them yet.
As a guy, I can tell you this: Guys can get past almost anything, as long as it is fully explained.
A guy will keep after you about something until they get whatever question remains answered, and then it will be over, one way or another.
Example: Girl cheats on a guy, and then says she doesn't know why she did it.
She then expects the guy to just let it go, because she said sorry. Well, only an idiot would do that. Why? Simple: If you do something and have NO reason for it, then the other person in the relationship has to live in constant fear that you will do something else for "no reason." That gets old, really fast.
Women aren't stupid. We know you do things for reasons, just like we do. When a woman says she did something for no reason, we give her credit for having a brain, and conclude that she is lying because she doesn't want to tell us the real reason... And that has proven to be true 100% of the time in my life.
Now, why did I go through all that? Well, if he asked you why you lied to him, and you said: "I don't know." this is going to keep going on until you tell the truth. Not saying you did this, just letting you know one reason it may be coming up again.
I guess that ends the part where there is any excuse or reason for his attitude. Now for what it reminds me of:
Have you ever heard of BPD? It stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, and while I am in no way a doctor, and not at all diagnosing this guy with anything... I do have to tell you that I have been around a couple different BPD people, and what you are describing sounds very familiar.
I would like you to take a moment and read a page which describes what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who behaves in a BPD manner:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
... is it just me, or does that sound familiar?
Healthy people do NOT demand offerings and worship.
I would really appreciate if you would write me back and let me know what, exactly, he says when he is doing whatever it is that made you write: "...he constantly thinks I am disrespecting him as I don't have much to bring to the table..."
I would also like to know what you think about the BPD page I sent you a link to, if you don't mind.
You can contact me directly by clicking the link that says: "Ask DangerNerd a question."
You ask what you can do to show your love and respect... You ask how you can change... well, in your next relationship: Don't keep secrets, lie and destroy your partner's trust in you.
That is about the only change I can suggest from what information you have given us here.
As far as showing your love and appreciation: You just do. You do what normal people do: Say thank you, sincerely, and don't do things that you know would be deliberately taking advantage of the situation.
I am taking a wild guess and thinking that you have already done this, and it isn't good enough for him, right?
Look out.
You really need to think about that BPD business.
With the exception of not hiding things and lying, I don't think it is you who needs to do the changing... it sounds like it is him.
Thinking that there is something you can do to help him, or fix him... or heck, even make him happy? If he has mental problems, then the only thing you can do is point him to that place I pointed you, and suggest that he get professional help.
Please do NOT try and help him beyond that point. Many people who have dealt with mental illness in a relationship, including myself, can vouch for the fact that they will reject all attempts to get them help, because they believe that YOU are the one with the problems, not them.
He will get help, ONLY when he decides that it is time, and he can't live like this anymore.
I want to ask you something: Do you feel like you are losing your mind sometimes when you are dealing with him?
Well, my friend, you are not alone. If you spend enough time trying to exist in an unhealthy relationship, you end up becoming unhealthy yourself, just because you are trying to find a way to cope.
You must get out if this relationship if you think the BPD thing fits. MUST.
Here is a little tip that may save your life: Move out BEFORE you mention that you think he needs mental help. Trust me on this one.
You know in your heart that you need to get out of that house. You already see that you two living together isn't working.
Dating, as you know, is basically trying people out to see if they are a good fit for marriage. Here is the big question: Can you see being happy with this situation happening every single day for the next 50 years?
Do you want any children you two make to have to grow up around that kind of mental abuse?
Get out.
I hope to hear back from you, and I wish you the best.
DN.
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Dump him.
You made a mistake when you didn't tell him what your decision was. By not telling him upfront, you only supported his idea that what you were doing was 'wrong' and 'bad.
If you don't stand up for your choices, why would someone else respect them?
But that's not why you should dump him - not all by itself.
The reason you should dump him is because he expects you to prove that you love and respect him. These are not things that can be proven. You must trust your partner when they tell you that they love you and respect you.
He's punishing you. Disrespecting you. Belittling your ability to choose for yourself.
And you are at a low point in your life, so you can't see how utterly wrong his behavoir is.
You can't 'change' enough to keep this person happy. Stop trying. You'll kill yourself with desperation for the respect and love her wont give you - he'll just keep dragging you through the dirt making your 'prove' you are worthy of his love.
You can't do it. No one could.
You haven't failed. He's created a situation where it is literally impossible to succeed.
Love isn't something you earn or prove. It's something you give freely, with dignity and respect.
He's not willing to do that. He might love you, but he's not able to love you in a healthy respectful way right now. You might be grateful for all he's done, but if he can't do that the relationship is dead no matter your errors.
Break up with him.
Find another place to live.
Almost anywhere would be healthier than this.
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