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Why are people like this?
Hey everyone!
I have been noticing something here on this website, and it's annoying me at an excessive level. How can people be like this?
I just saw a question about how there's a 24 year old woman who wanted to be with a 21 year old man, and the answers are all like "oh your age gap is not a problem"
But when there's a question about a 14 year old girl wanting to be with a 17 year old, the answers say "he's too old for you." -.- Really? It's the same thing! The age gap is the same size, yet people make such a big deal of it when the people are younger. >:(
Why does it have to be this way? Is there a specific reason why people don't think that an age difference matters at an older age, but when it happens with teenagers, people disapprove right away?
Can anyone PLEASE explain to me why? It just doesn't make sense to me. This angers me in ways I can't even understand.
Thank you to everyone who answers in advance, really.
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Age gaps being right or wrong are based solely on trends and tendencies. They see that most people change a lot at a young age and may not be old enough to know what they want, etc.
In reality, every situation is different. People mature at different rates, it's hardly what I would call consistent. So if you are 14 and are in a relationship with someone that is 17, I see nothing wrong with it based on age alone. Though I do ask that you be aware of state laws concerning age. Not because I think those laws should govern who you want to date, but because it can be dangerous and you both should be aware that this older person could get into a lot of trouble, depending on the state. Here's a link:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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Mostly it can be for safety because young girls sometimes can think with there hormones instead of their heads and you don't want a baby having a baby so its safer if she waits until she's ready to date without needing kissing advice?and also girls tend to trust any guy they like and sometimes that can land them in a lot of trouble hopefully your question is now answered:) otherwise send me a inbox. Jessica XOXOXXX
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The biggest reason for the different answers between a 14 & 17 year old as apposed to a 24 & 27 year old is; the law and maturity levels.
A 24 & 27 year old are both adults both in age and the eyes of the law. From the standpoint of maturity they are also very close. So yes at that point age is just a number. Even if the age difference was say 24 & 44, the 24 year old is old enough, in most instances, and mature enough to know what they want. So yes the numbers are just that numbers and that would be my advice.
With the 14 & 17 year old's the law and maturity become a big problem. First you have the law. Under the law the 14 year old has not reached the age of consent or the age of majority, adulthood. The 14 year old under the law cannot consent to sex. In many states the 17 year old is above the age of consent and has some rights of an adult.
There is a law in all states called statutory rape. Under this law sex can assumed to have taken place, it does not have to be proven. Whoever is the older in the relationship is in danger of being arrested and for ever being required to register as a sex offender and serving time in jail. This is a life ruining situation.
Then there is a, great, difference in maturity. At these ages the 17 year old is much more worldly then the 14 year old. Many young girls are attracted to older boys because young girls are more mature than boys their age, as a rule. They are not though as mature as the 17 year old male. This is where the problems come in. This is also how, studies show, how and why many 14 year old girls end up pregnant.
As you can see it is not always just a number. There is a world of difference that 10 years can make and is why our answers differ greatly when asked. I usually add something about everything having a learning curve. Dating is one of those things. Jumping over those of your same age in your teenage years leaves you unprepared and defenceless in many of the more adult situation. This is another reason why I do not believe young people should date more than 1 year above their own age.
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Well, different columnists are going to give different advice, and there is a lot more to most questions beyond the age.
But you are still right. Given those ages, those would be the most frequent responses.
And they are perfectly correct.
If it were just so simple as just the number of years between two people, then you wouldn't have a problem with a 11 year old dating a 15 year old - Right?
No. Of course that is a problem.
11 year old's have barely hit puberty. 15 year old's want totally different kinds of relationships than 11 year old's. They know about different things and expect different things. They have a lot more power and choices than an 11 year old.
Here are a few more reasons it's a lot more complicated than just the number of years between people.
ONE.
Age of consent laws mean that in many states and countries, a 14 year old and 17 year old having sex would be criminal. In some cases, just dating is enough to for the courts to assume sexual interference, a charge which can literally ruin the 17 year old's life.
Whether you are agree or disagree with those laws, no one can - in good conscience - advise someone to get into a relationship that might risk one partners life like that.
TWO.
It's not about number of years between two people birth dates, it's about the number of years on the planet and what happens in those years.
Age is not just an arbitrary number; it’s a solid gauge for life-experience and a loose one for self-awareness. It is a fairly accurate measurement that describes what you've done and what sort of things you'll need to do in the near future.
What a 14 year old has to achieve in the next 2 years of life is completely and utterly different from what a 17 year old does. What a 21 and 24 year old have to do is likely to be much, much more similar. They are either both working, or both need to finish (or will have finished) post-secondary and they need to begin careers and learn to live as adults. A 14 year old has to finish high school. A seventeen year old has to begin college or enter the workforce.
Age differences don’t mean very much at all when two people are in similar places in life, like when they are both still in school or both out in the workforce... But at 14 and 17 their worlds are completely different. Or at least, they should be. Their goals and desires from a relationship should be pretty different too. If someone, at 17, has the kind of wishes and expectations for a relationship that are compatible with someone who is only 14, that doesn’t say positive things about the older teen. Developmentally they should be ready and willing to be in a different kind of a relationship.
THREE
Respect, power and the ability to self-determine.
In a health relationship, both people need to be able to make choices with equal power and that command equal respect.
And that can't necessarily happen in your teens. There is a huge difference in how much legal and societal respect the choices of a 14 year old are given, and how much a 17 year old gets.
In many ways, these two people can't be peers who make choices with equal weight. The 17 year old will keep getting more options and more control over their own life, which sets up a dangerous power imbalance in the relationship that wont really level out until the younger person turns 19 or 20.
In the end, we give advice here and we don't know the people we are talking about. No one can say for sure that a 14 year old and 17 year old wont fall in love and live happily ever after. What we can say for sure is that it'll be a harder and more risky situation than two people in their twenties.
And that is the truth. No matter how angry it might make you. It's perfectly reasonable to advise against a 14 and 17 year old dating, and to not consider the age difference a problem between a 21 and 24 year old.
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That is a tough one. They say youngsters 'grow-up' too quickly in the present age. Yet not so many years ago in my country (UK) the school leaving age was 14. A girl or a guy would be expected to take their place in an adult world, do an adult job and accept responsibilty for their actions at that age. So do people really grow-up quicker? Like the lonely soul says, ages of consent protect the vulnerable. And yes, bottom-line it's about society. Saying you should all be a little girls at 14? Well, as in most areas of life there is no such thing as 'the general case.' All cases are 'particular' in one way or another. At 14 you could be very immature, or you could have a remarkable level of maturity. I'm talking intellectual maturity, not physical. Physical maturity, with respect to boyfriends as that was your subject, is determined by about a million years of genetic programming, it's called 'puberty'. But any law that said as soon as a girl reached puberty she would have no legal right to refuse sex would be a wrong and dangerous law. So there's no black & white answer. If you like the company of slightly older guys, you're free to choose you own friends. But do keep in mind they may have 'other agenda' as it were. Don't get pressured, and keep your self-respect & dignity. Listen to your conscience, if it's telling you a thing is not appropriate it probably isn't. The thing about a 'society' is that we all have to live in it sooner or later. And it's easier to live in than outside. It does voice an anonymous approval, or dissaproval. Why are age gaps more acceptable in later life? Probably beacuse time 'levels the playing field'. By 18 you will have developed an independence of thought. A character. Though not necesssarily a creditable one! It doesn't follow that at that magical age you'll make no more mistakes, make no more bad judgements. Neither are you incapable of rational decision at your age. Could we say then, it's an attempt at a 'catch-all' solution? I tend to think so. I don't know if any of this helps, but maybe it's put a little perspective on the matter?
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Basically, one word, SOCIETY. And the laws & philosophy influenced by it. There is no natural age that makes you an adult. 18 being legal was decided on and made up, and can actually change. For example in NY, US, 21 is the legal drinking age. Yet there's countries that have it at 16, and some don't have age restriction. If someone was raised in a place where there were no made up "laws" they'd have no problem with age difference. But when someone is raised in a place with strict laws that are not natural, they're quick to judge, they automatically think "pedophile!" "Rape!" it is indeed unfair and age-ist. But the laws also protect people from being taken advantage of. If there were almost never any pedophiles in the past, and people were more mature, the legal age would be younger than 18. Same with other things, People might say a 13 year old shouldn't drive, but when cars were first made, they probably wouldn't have thought much of it until a law was introduced.
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Well the reason for this is that people change a lot more between the ages of 14 and 17 than they do between 21 and 24. At 17 one is almost an adult, while at 14 one is still very much a child. Basically a 17 year old will be at a very different point in his life (from all points of view: mental development, sexuality, career, independence, etc.).
Then there may also be some legal issues depending on where in the world you live.
Now, I am not saying that this necessarily applies for everyone, but this is why people answer the way they do and why its not just about the number of years between two people.
Just to illustrate using your kind of maths, would you consider it ok for a 55 year old to date a 47 year old? How about a 17 year old dating a 9 year old? Not quite the same is it?
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