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My Mom Lost It (Huge Fight Over Contacts)
My mom and I fight a lot over contacts. I use one-day lenses and take good care of my eyes, but my mom thinks I'm going to get scratches, infections, and eventually go blind. Once, she actually begged me, and although I feel bad,I CAN'T wear glasses. Yes, vanity, I know. But I feel so ugly and worthless in them (overdramatic, I know) and I do know I look very different. I know that maybe I should just give them up for the sake of our relationship(she talks about how stressed she gets whenever she thinks of my eyes), but I feel like that means giving up my self-esteem.Not to mention I think she's completely overreacting. Today, she was complaining again about having to make eye check up appointments and I got annoyed and told her I'm not going to wear glasses no matter what she says and that she's making a big deal out of nothing. She started SCREAMING at me on the top of her lungs until I finally escaped into my room. Later, she demanded I go out shopping for new glasses in hopes I'll wear them (I've shopped for many pairs of glasses, it's all the same. I like myself in contacts much better). I was busy and told her no (this entire exchange wasn't very pleasant) and we got in another fight. She started yelling that she's done trying to be a good mom and that she doesn't care anymore and started attacking me, shoving and hitting my arms. She was in my face and kept shaking me. I grabbed her arms (partly out of anger, partly out of self defense) and was screaming. She kept coming at me, at one point grabbing a chair. She shouted things like "How DARE you grab my arms. How dare you defend yourself/fight back. Do you know how many other Asian children grow up getting hit. It's perfectly normal for parents to discipline their kids like this once in a while. Yes, you're right, I am crazy! You made me like this. I'm always letting you do whatever you want, eating so much candy all the time and wearing contacts." And yes, that was seriously her complaint. I know I'm sassy sometimes, but mostly it's when something like this happens and I'm trying to get her back a few days later. I mean, I don't think she's abusive (psychotic maybe) but I don't understand why I have to go through such drama about something like contacts! It's rare, but certainly not her first time losing it. I was crying really hard and we decided to temporarily stop speaking and she thinks I have mental issues because I care so much about my appearance (which I think is typical for teens). I don't know how to get over this. I refuse to apologize because she raised her voice first and put her hands on me. Esp. over such a trivial issue. She goes on and on about how it's for my health, but I don't think contacts are that problematic. Is she right about the danger or is she kind of out of control?
HELP. Sometimes I hate her.
15/F (Sorry you guys had to read all of this)
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Lets stick with the eye glass problem first as that is the simplest to resolve; if you want too that is.
I understand how important appearance is to you as 15 year old girl. While mom appears not to understand this it may be that looks were not as important to her at 15, especially if you are first generation American, an assumption I am making.
Now do you know what the definition of the word "compromise is? This may not be in the dictionary but the real world definition is; "something no one likes but everyone can live with."
When my wife wore contacts our eye doctor insisted she have a backup pair of eye glasses for those time when her eyes became tired or if they became irritated. He also suggested times when she should not wear the contacts. As it turned out my wife only wore her contacts when she went to work or when we went out. As you said for vanity reasons. The rest of the time at home she wore her glasses. We are older now and she no longer wears contacts at all.
I'm suggesting that you talk with mom and agree to get a pair of glasses that you will wear at home and use as back ups when needed. At school and when out of the house you prefer to wear contacts. I believe you eye doctor will support this idea as well. Depending on what mom is willing to spend or what your insurance covers I believe you should be able to find a pair to complement your face.
From my point of view whats the big deal of wearing your glasses when it is just you and family members in the house. If you have visitors you go up to your room and put your contacts in. I see this as a perfect compromise.
Both you and your mom were wrong in hitting each other. Hitting solves nothing and just deepens the anger of the situation as you have related to us. At 15 you and mom should be able to resolve any issues between you without hitting and with much less screaming.
As for whether mom is right or wrong in what she believes about contacts. The fact that she believes it makes it right for her. What is needed is to educate her on the type of contacts you wear and any dangers they might pose if any.
I firmly believe your mom feels she is right based on information she has read or heard from others, that is what makes her right in her mind. Educating not screaming is how to resolve this issue. You and mom need to talk with your eye doctor so she can hear from the doctor if there is any danger posed by you wearing contacts. I also believe the compromise I have suggested will go a long way in satisfying your mom about any danger, real or imagined.
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Is she paying for your lenses?
Is she driving you to and from your eye doctor appointments?
Have you invited her to join you with the eye doctor, so all three of you can talk about the risks (or lack there of) of daily contact use and the doctor can verify for you and your mom that you are taking good care of your eyes?
It sounds like she doesn't understand the very minimal dangers modern one-day lenses, but if you haven't taken her by the hand and had her worries addressed by your doctor, then frankly, you haven't done enough to offer her the reassurance and information she deserves.
Yes - she's very wrong to grab at you in anger. There is no excusing that, but the amount of force you describe here would not be illegal in the US. You can report it and you should speak to an adult you can trust about it, but you should also know that although it might be wrong, it is not likely to be considered child abuse.
So, ask yourself these questions:
Are you the things you can to respect the money and time she is investing into your contacts?
Do you expect your parents to pay for something that they disagree with or are made uncomfortable by?
Do YOU actually know about the risks of your contacts and how to use them correctly?
While it's legitimate to feel vain and dislike glasses, it's not legitimate to refuse to compromise with your parents on issues like this, especially if they are paying for them, driving you to and from your appointments and you haven't done everything you can to make sure they are informed and aware of the choices you are making.
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