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dad's adoption mother
13/f
found out yesterday that my dad was adopted! and, my 'foster grandma' also died last weekend. i felt so bad but now im just realizing all these things, like, I used to think Iwas scottish but now i have no Idea what I could be. I know im being dumb but I feel like Ive been lied to. I just wish I knew my reall backround. like, at the doctor when they (the doctor) asked if there was any past of liver cancer in my family, my mom said, 'on my side, but I'm not sure about her fathers' now I get what she meant! I just want to know how I should take this.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
First lets do a little house cleaning so to speak. Your dads mom was not his foster mother she was his adoptive mother. There is a big difference between foster and adoptive.
For all intensive purposes she was his mother maybe not by gestation but by all other meanings of the word. His biological mother gave him up, your grandmother had so much love to share that she took him in and made him her own. Just as she made you her grandchild her own as you surely are.
I have an adopted cousin. He is my cousin in every meaning of the word. When my Aunt and Uncle told him he was adopted I was there, I'm 2 years older. We were told together so we both understood what being adopted meant. His parents were my god parents. There gone now but they truly were godparents always there for me and he and I although thousands of miles separate us now are still as close as we were when he was told he was adopted.
Now you do have a valid concern as to your family medical history. You have your dads medical history but not your paternal grandparents. The laws on adoption have changed considerably since your dad was adopted. If you have the adoption papers you can contact the adoption agency and ask then to contact the birth mother to get medical information on her and his father.
You can also ask if you want if your biological grandparents have any interest in meeting you. Times change and as the saying goes time heals all wounds.
A very good friend of mines parents had a child out of wedlock. They were forced by their parents to give this child up for adoption. When his father passed away his mother went looking for her first born son. She found him just after his last adoptive parent passed away.
Mama as we all called her was thrilled to find him, he was thrilled to find he had a family that wanted him numbering almost 40 people. When mamas health went bad he took her into his home and cared for her until her death.
Will lightening strike twice and your biological grandmother will be thrilled to hear from you. I can't say. What I can say is that with the change in the laws if you have any interest in finding her you can. I would suggest speaking with your dad before doing so as he might not want to meet her.
The one thing is certain, you really have not been lied too, mislead maybe but not lied too. You are not without a background as back when your father was born all attempts were made to place children with parents of similar heritage. You also have you moms heritage which is the overriding heritage.
The only thing you are missing is your fathers family medical history. As I said if you contact the adoption agency they should be able to help with this. If you don't have the adoption papers but know where he was born. Contact the court house records clerk give them your fathers family name and the date and year of his birth. They can do a records check to find a file copy of the adoption records.
If nothing else please do not feel like a lost person for you are not. You are the product of your parents love and that is what really counts.
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You need to relax a bit.
Yes - it's surprising and upsetting, but it's also your Dad's life, and probably a difficult part of your Dad's life.
You haven't been lied too. You've been a kid. Kid's don't always get to know everything about their parents lives, especially not the stuff that is hard to explain or tough to talk about.
So remember that no matter how a big a deal this feels like for you, it's a way, way, way bigger deal for your Dad. Loosing a parent (even an adoptive parent) is also a really tough time. It can be one of the most difficult things a person ever goes through.
So don't be self involved about this. Ask your Mom and Dad about his childhood and what he knows, but do it gently and lovingly. Respect that it might be tough for him and there might be lots of things he really doesn't know. He's learned to live with that, and you might need to learn to live with it too.
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