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My husband drives me crazy, I'm frustrated. Suggestions?
We've been married 19 years. Divorce has crossed my mind, but would be difficult due to many reasons.
We both work full time and have an equine business on the side at home. We've raised three children, the kids turned out pretty good in spite.
The last 10 years or so, my husband really gets on my nerves and it is only escalating. I try my best to avoid him, so I pretend to be roommates and we just go our separate ways. There are some things in day to day life we have to discuss, such as chores to be done, work with the animals, but each and every time, with everything I say he disagrees with me to the point that nothing gets accomplished, unless I do it myself, and I can't do it all alone.
It's not that he wants to do things his way, he finds a hundred reasons not to do them at all.
He's very lackluster and apathetic, until he gets mad. Then he belittles me, and throws up every negative situation we've ever faced in my face making it out to be my fault.
He's also very arrogant about anything he has done, such as help pay for my dental work. I've heard it over and over how good he is, and how bad I am because I didn't have all the money myself.
Counseling is out, can't afford it, and he wouldn't go anyway.
I don't want to be in the same room--let alone same car as him. Going somewhere together only makes the tension worse. If we have friends over, which is rare. He makes sure to get jabs in at me, to the point he does make himself look stupid and no one enjoys themselves. Same goes for family events. It's so embarrassing, I'd rather not go.
I don't want a romantic connection anymore, but I do want peace and a working partnership with consideration. Talking will do no good, will instigate an argument.
Any suggestions to open his eyes?
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If you won't talk to him, and you wont seek therapy (even if you go alone, just for yourself) then you've more or less decided to just stay on the same path you are on right now.
When you decide to get off this path talking and therapy are your best bets for change but it's okay to simply not be in a place yet where that feels possible. In the meantime, you might try picking up a book lots of women have found helpful when they get trapped in these patterns with their partners and family called Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.
Besides the issues in your marriage, you might try building a small network of friends just for you. A book club, even an online one or forum. A meet-up or class for an interest you have separate from him. Even just taking an extra long bubble path once or twice a week - something that doesn't cost much (or anything) but is an investment of a bit of time where you make a choice to do something just for you.
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To you, on the inside, this feels like the world and your husband are against you and your objectives.
Looking at it from the outside, I think you and your husband have lost the romance in your marriege. After 19 years of family life and work, you've both lost your dream and its become a nightmare, the daily drudge with nothing but more of the same to come.
I think you both sound on the edge of depression, you may both need help to get over it. You say you feel the marriage is over - only you and your husband can decide that, but you have to take everything into consideration, your children, the business and what you both want.
You say that talking won't help but I think it's the only path to take. Without talking you don't know what's happening in each other's minds. Some form of communication is essential for you all to decide what happens next. Once you know what everyone thinks, what they want to end up with, you can move on and deal with the problems you have.
I really hope this helps, let me know how you get on? If you feel I can help further contact me via this site.
Keep talking to each other, good luck and best wishes, X.
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