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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I was wondering what you thought do you feel it is really that big of a deal nowadays to have a nude image of yourself online not a sexual one but like just of yourself nude on a beach or similar?
The Answer
That's entirely a personal question.
I don't think it should be a big deal. I think we'll probably have a President of the United States in the next 20 years who has a naked picture out there on the internet. Smart phones just changed the world like that. I don't think anyone should ever lose a job, or be taken less seriously because of any of those sorts of photos—whether they are sexual or not.
However, I know people are taken less seriously because of those photos and that it can be used by bullies and can be hurtful, so I can understand why someone would be upset by having those photos out there.
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The Question
Hi,
It's been a couple of months since my ex and I broke up. I was going through a lot, and at least I thought she was going through a lot, so I decided that it wouldn't be any good to continue to purse the relationship. I'll give you some background...
I'm a senior in college and she's a freshman, so I have a lot more on my plate than she does, between graduating on time, making the grades, and working with internships. It's been absolutely crazy for me. And I noticed that something was not ok with me because of the huge amount of workload I've been taking up. I didnt see my family doctor until after our relationship but it turns out that I have ADD and my anxiety is off the charts. But while we were dating, she told me a lot of stuff about herself. Things like how her father abused her when she was younger and that she told her mother and her mother didn't believer her or do anything about it. But he recently passed away and she didn't go to his funeral, which wasn't okay with her mom, and she was pissed off about how her mom was trying to make her go. The weekend of that day, she went out and spent the weekend with her friends and partied, and I pretty much lost contact with her for the whole weekend. Sunday comes by and she texts me and comes over to my place to tell me that she was out drinking with her friend and got arrested for being a minor in possession of alcohol, and she basically "took" care of it somehow, without telling her parents. Well, eventually those papers backtracked anyway. And then a couple of weeks later, I lost contact with her again and she said she got into a really bad car accident and totaled her car which was the other drivers fault. And her parents found out about her being in jail so her mom fought mental custody over her because while she was in the hospital she was under medication and she had told the doctor that she was schizophrenic which was new to her mother and her family (Hence her mom fighting mental custody over her). And that she was going to send her to a mental hospital in missouri or somewhere in georgia and she had to convince her mom to let her finish that semester of school.
I haven't talked to her since we had that conversation but I told her that I was also moving because I couldn't live in the current apartment complex that I was living in. I roomed with two other people and they partied almost every day and always had people over. I couldn't get any sleep and living in the kind of condition that place was, I really had to leave. So when she told me that she was leaving school and possibly georgia I said okay, and I told her i was moving too. I really didn't have the capacity to be upset that she was in the situation she was in because I was going through my own pains. And I asked her if she even ever liked me or was just playing games, and she said yes... but I don't believer her anyway. So I let her go.
It's the next semester now, and I've seen her in the car driving from or to school because we go to the same college. I saw her once in her friends car for a ride, and then driving back to the apartment I think I saw her in her own car, so I'm thinking that she lied to me about the car accident because nothing was wrong with it from what I saw, just that both the wheels on the driver side were spare tires. I'm confused about why she broke up with me the way she did saying that her mom was going to send her to a mental institution instead of just breaking up with me like a normal person? It feels like the way she broke up with me was such a disgrace when she could've just told me she didn't want to continue our relationship. It seems like she made up such a huge lie to not be with me anymore and I'm not sure why she had to go through all of that for a break up. I see her checking my snapchat every now and then and every time I see it I just want to tell her to fuck off. When she could've texted me to tell me that she's staying in georgia or that her mom's not sending her to a mental institution, or that she's going to be continuing school. Just, what the fuck? It leaves me so pissed off because I didn't want to pursue a relationship, but she pursued me and then when she had me, she decided that she didn't want me. It's annoying and stupid. Not only that but the way she broke up with me, saying that she was getting sent away, was such a major disgrace because I'm still friends with the people that I room with and they see her on the complex every now and then. I'm just so confused, beyond words as to why she left like that.
The Answer
Get over it.
I'm sorry. I really am, because I do understand why this would bother you or eat away at you, but you absolutely must let it go. This anger is going to make you an unpleasant person to be around, and poison your future relationships.
You need to find some peace, even though you will never know what her deal was.
She is probably not mentally well. Perhaps, she is not as unwell as she led you to believe, but she is clearly not well. You saw only a snapshot of her life while you were togeather (and admit it, you weren't that interested in the drama of her life at that time anyways!). You never got the whole picture. You don't know what happened. Your assumptions about her now might be rational, but they aren't fair to her or to you. The anger you are dwelling in now is more destructive to you than anyone else. The judgement you are passing over her actions, past and present, is going to have a way more negative effect on you moving forward in life, than her.
The thing about breaking up is that you stop getting to know what's up with the other person. To a certain degree, you will experience this sort of "WTF!?" frustration in every break up you ever have. It's a normal part of breaking up.
Since the breakup—the only thing you describe as her doing that bothers you is that she exists on campus and that checks out your snapchat. She has every right to exist on campus, and if you don't want your social media to be available to her, you need to take control of that by either changing your settings, or stop using that kind of media.
You didn't want to be with her anyways. Then she decided didn't want to be with you, and doesn't seem like she was equipped to be with anyone. Don't get obsessed with your own pride or who dumped whom and stop stewing in frustration and resentment. Just take a deep breath, realize you'll never know the whole story, and be glad you aren't in the thick of it, whatever the hell it is.
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The Question
I am 16 and I'm a female. i moved to a new town about 8 months ago and I've made amazing new friends and I love them. My best friend from my old town gets jealous of my new friends and she was being rude to one of my new friends online so I defended my new friends and not her. I called her immature and she is very upset with me now. How should I tell her it was her fault and she shouldn't have been rude? I don't want to apologize because I feel I did nothing wrong
The Answer
Do you want to be right or do you want to keep her friendship?
Of course you should stand up for your friends, but let's be honest, you probably could have done that without calling your old friend names and insulting her. Just because you are doing the right thing, doesn't mean you do it a way that is 100% okay.
Your old friend is in pain, and insecure. That's normal and perfectly human. If you don't cut her any slack on that normal, human pain she's feeling, she isn't going to be your friend anymore.
It's fine to say you don't owe her an apology, but you do owe her some more sympathy and respect than you are showing in your question here. If you don't give her some of that sympathy and respect, it'll be your fault the friendship is over just as much as it'll be hers.
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The Question
And I'm sick of it. I'm a 12 year old girl. Any time I say something he disagrees with he threatens to hit, kick, choke, etc. He's gone at me like he's going to hit me before. I'm sick of it sometimes I feel like I can't breath and my bodies tense I want him to stop but my mom doesn't think it's a problem and my dad just threatens to hit me more if I tell him to stop. What should I do? Is this illegal?
The Answer
The constant threat of physical violence is child abuse.
Not all abuse is going to be criminal, illegal, or get someone carted off to jail—but it's not okay to abuse someone, even if it's not going to get you thrown in jail.
You should try talking to another trusted adult. A teacher is a good bet. So is a doctor, or a coach. They might not be able to make your Dad stop overnight, but you deserve a safe place to turn and adult who has your back. Try to look around for someone like that.
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The Question
I'm 21, in college and questioning my sexuality (as I have been for years).
In the past I've had two serious relationships, have gone on several dates with men who didn't work out, and I'm actually currently in a relationship (which I'm seriously considering ending). All of these have been with men and now I feel like I would be happier with a woman.
Sexually, I'm attracted to both men and women, but prefer the female body to a males. As for everything else, I also feel as though I enjoy the company of women to men.
I enjoy feminine activities, shopping, doing makeup/nails, reading, interior decorating, cooking, eating out, gardening, arts and crafts, walks on the beach, ect. I know that these things aren't just attributed to females and that everybody is different, but when it comes down to it most men don't like doing them as I've run into time and time again. I'm so tired of being with a guy and being told he won't do anything "girly" with me because everything I like to do tends to be "girly".
I tend to wish I was holding hands or laying in bed with another female when I'm with my boyfriend. I have such better conversation with other girls and always have more fun around other girls.
When it comes down to it. I can't see myself spending my entire life with a man. I keep giving it another chance with men because I always think "maybe this one will be different" but I always wind up wishing I was spending time with a girl.
The Answer
Date the person you want to date.
Honestly, when you are confused like you are now, it might be best to stop thinking about the rest of your life, and stop worrying so much about what junk they have below thier belt, and just find someone you want to date (who also wants to date you).
That might mean being single for a while, but it's better than dating someone you don't want to be dating anyways.
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The Question
I am 24 and a virgin and every time I go on a date with a guy, he tries to make the moves on me within an hour of knowing each other. I want to have sex, I truly, truly do, but I want it to be with someone who I've established trust with. I can't establish trust with someone within an hour of knowing them. Why does EVERY guy I go out with seem to only want to have sex with me? I am really losing hope that that "right guy" doesn't exist, that I'm not going to fall in love or establish a relationship with someone. I just don't see how it's possible. Maybe this idea of "the right person" is a construct of society? Maybe I'm not the good girl I think I am, and am actually the promiscuous type but don't realize it. Maybe I need to just lose my virginity to someone I don't know and get it over with. Why do I attract this type of energy? I'm actually somewhat awkward and weird/unique, so I really don't understand why every dating situation is so sexually powered. Am I too closed off emotionally? Maybe I don't actually want love or a relationship and just want sex? If this is the case should I just get rid of the virgin burden? I just feel like every dating situation is the same and always based on sex and I just want to understand what is happening and why, instead of just letting the same situation occur over and over and over again. Advice?
The Answer
Where are you finding these guys?
Look, there is a clearly a disconnect here between what sort of relationship you want, and want sort of relationship these men think you want. If you were 19, I'd be sympathetic, but at 24 you've gotta learn to speak up and suss out these guys a bit better than you have been, if you are consistently ending up with guys who want sex within the first few hours.
Seriously, if this is always happening to you at 24, you need to get better at the selection process for your dates.
I don't think you are too closed off emotionally, but I think you probably closed off verbally and you aren't being very proactive. If a guy initiates more than you are interested in early in a relationship, say EXACTLY what you said here "Actually, I need to build more trust and familiarity before I'm comfortable doing that."
A lot of men are just fine with that sort of boundary setting. That is part of letting them know what sort of relationship you are looking for right now.
If they aren't fine with that, then get the hell away from them.
Most healthy, loving relationships between people your age, in today's culture, will include sex. The 'Right Guy' out there for you, almost certainly wants to have sex with you. You need to not be quite so judgemental when a person expresses sexual interest, and instead, look at how they respect your boundaries.
You need to learn to speak up earlier on about what you are looking for. That means even in dating profiles, or in the first few minutes of meeting someone. You probably also need to stop letting comments about sex allow your mind to jump to "He only wants sex!". Nearly everyone wants sex. A much smaller number of people ONLY want sex. Trust your gut and keep yourself safe, but don't lay judgement on people who admit to being sexual beings early on. That's not always a bad thing. Instead, that can be a chance to be hoenst about your own desires and limits.
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The Question
would rather be slim and lean?
I'm a woman, and find the really muscular look very unattractive. I hate when men and women try to pressure me to do more weights or whatever, to look how they view is beautiful. It's dumb when they also call slimmer women "weak," when a slimmer woman can just have lean muscles. The really muscular looks is also unnatural, as it often requires steroids. Why is it a thing? It's so strange to me. Even Jillian Michaels is more buff than I'd like to be. I'd rather look like Bridget Malcolm, a vegan Victoria's Secret model.
The Answer
Why do some people think it's okay to shame and judge others for what they like to do to their own bodies, or what they want to eat, or what sort of bodies they find sexually attractive?
Shame and judgement like the sort you just did here.
I'm sorry if you've been hurt or insulted by others because of how you look, or how you want to look. Of course, that is never okay. No one should be pressuring you into diets, exercise or any appearance changes you don't want to make.
However, your question here is just as judgemental and inappropriate as any person who "chastise those who would rather be slim and lean."
Just because you don't understand why someone may want to live or look a certain way, doesn't mean it's okay to insult them with comments like "it's unattractive" or imply nasty judgements like "they must use steroids."
A woman's value is not defined by how much other people want to have sex with her or think she is pretty. Women are much more than that. Just because these women aren't the kind you find prettiest doesn't mean their choices or bodies are wrong or less worthy or respect.
Look at your own biases and casual judgements before you start complaining about everyone else's. That is what will help the most when dealing with others when they express bias or judgement towards your choices.
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The Question
I find it much more comfortable to sit in a squat position at my desk. I sit with my feet on my chair, my knees level with my chest, my bum actually touching the chair and my back leaning against the backrest. Is this going to damage me at all? My legs tend to ache a bit but when that happens, I get up and wander around for a bit every so often. I just wondered if this position long term will have a negative effect on my body.
The Answer
Probably.
Here's the thing: Sitting in general isn't great. Doesn't matter how you do it. The way you are doing is it probably worse on your body than most. Sorry, just probably is.
If you are just sitting there like this, that's one thing, but if you are reaching around your knees to type or use a mouse or write, you are in a pretty awful position and probably going to get back and neck pain, if not arm and wrist pain too.
Getting up and walking around few times a day is a good idea, no matter how you are sitting, but sitting that way is still probably going to cause you pain the long term.
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The Question
My boyfriend of 3 years and I are 21 years old, he loves going on vacations/holidays and travelling to new places. I, however, cannot stand going on vacation/holiday. I live in a small town in the country in the UK and all my family live in the area. My family are the most important thing to me and I'm perfectly happy where I live. Travelling and going away really stresses me out, I do not find it relaxing, it's often expensive and I do not have a lot of money, I'm saving up for a place of my own. My boyfriend knows this but he's always really pushy about going on holiday.
I've compromised, a few months ago I went to the other end of the UK for a week's holiday but I was so stressed the whole time, all I wanted to do was to come back home. I get really anxious about having a car accident, cities getting bombed and people getting stabbed for example. What if I went away and something happened to us? Or what if something happened to my family back home and I wasn't there? My boyfriend's demanding that we're going on 3 more holidays in the next few months. He gets angry with me when I say I don't want to go and he just keeps saying that I HAVE to go. I compromised by going on that holiday to the other side of the UK and I don't mind going on day trips (but not to huge cities). I've told him that in a few years, when we're older and have more life experience (we're both still living with our parents) that I would consider going away more. But he keeps going on at me to go on holiday now, further and further away each time. Has anybody got any advice on what to do?
The Answer
Break up.
You've got a basic incompatibility here. That sucks, but what sucks more is going on both of you pretending that the other person is going to change. That's not gonna happen.
You know you aren't changing. Respect him enough to believe that he is sincere in his desire to travel and he's not gonna change.
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The Question
I'm 20 years old girl but I have a VERY strict mother with some very old fashioned thinking. I bought a corset last year behind her back and she found it today. She went on a rampage and told me what I did is the most shameful thing ever and that she can't believe it. She told me that I lost her confidence in me completely and now she wants to cancel my debit card account. Basically I bought the corset because I really wanted to try one,especially since I heard that it helps with people with bad posture and can alleviate a bit of back pains while wearing it. I bought it with my own money but since I didn't want my mom to know about it, since she opposed on me getting one in the first place, I asked a friend if I can use her address. So now she want to know when and where I got it but I'm already in big trouble as it is. What do I do? How can I gain back her trust?
The Answer
Why do you want to gain back her trust?
She's wrong. You know she's wrong. You aren't 12. You are 20, and she's wrong.
I mean really, she sounds like she is only gong to trust you, if lie to her about what you think is correct and reasonable. You thought it was totally correct and reasonable to buy this corset. Telling her anything else is just lying to her.
That sucks. That's painful and sad, because it puts up a barrier on the relationship between the two of you, but it's not something you can really fix.
I don't know where you live, in what country or what sort of culture or limitations you may have, but honestly, in the long term, it's better to learn to stand up for your own beliefs and not to try and earn your parents love by lying to them about yourself. Those lies will always fall apart eventually. Real trust and love has to be built up on honesty, or else it's very fragile and can disappear far too quickly.
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The Question
Hey there, to start this question off I think there are a few important things to point out. I am currently a 20 year old girl attending college and a member of a sorority. If you were not or do not know anyone in a sorority, the dynamics of a certain relationship that I discuss (my pledge sister) may not make a lot of sense but I would still love your input if you feel you have some to give!
Okay, so this girl. She is in my pledge class in my sorority which means we were initiated the same year. It is probably safe to say that she was not universally well liked, and made quite a few enemies within the house. I never really got close to her but I always went out of my way to be a little nicer to her just because I hated the way people would often ignore or treat her. Yes, she could be a pretty mean individual but sometimes I think those people need the most kindness in their life. She previously had a relationship with a young man that we will call Henry. They dated for about a month, a year and a half ago. I never met him, because as I said, we weren't really friends. Fast forward to now. I meet this guy one night and we immediately hit it off. Instant chemistry, and we leave the evening with a kiss. I told one of my friends about him and she goes, wait, isn't that (girl mentioned above)'s ex boyfriend? And my heart dropped to my chest. Come to find out the next morning, she had heard about it and while upset, told another girl that she didn't really care. I still felt a little weird about the whole situation and decided not to pursue him.
Well, he decided to pursue me. And for about two weeks we just texted, and I thought, okay no harm there, if anything I will realize that it was just a one time spark and I can move on. But everything about him fascinated me. And I felt myself falling for him. He asked me on a date and I felt every bone in my body screaming to say yes. But I decided to wait until I talked to that girl. When I did she seemed a little ticked, but more or less gave her blessing. Well, after the date, long after the date, she changed her mind. After about two months of Henry and I more or less dating she confronted me telling me I was a horrible sister and a horrible friend. She felt that I was always the person closest to her in our sorority and she couldn't believe I would stab her in the back like that. She claimed, "he was my boyfriend, I loved him, this looks horrible on you" and the more she explained it the more I felt guilty. I didn't know what to do, so I went to talk to Henry.
He told me a bunch of wild things, like how this girl had lied to him about being pregnant so that he wouldn't leave her and eventually admitted that she in fact lying. He said he completely regrets dating her and that in truth, he never even considered her his girlfriend. Now this could be him not telling the whole truth or trying to downplay it. It doesn't really matter because the truth is I hurt this girl, and I am in the wrong.
But I am so falling for him and I feel that I don't truly have an obligation to this girl besides this sorority. I just feel a lot of guilt and even though my friends say "oh its fine" how can I be fine when I'm hurting someone that I took an oath to respect?
What do I do?
The Answer
Hurting someone isn't the same as disrespecting them.
Your actions may have hurt her, and it's okay to feel badly about that (healthy and sane even!) but that actually doesn't mean that you behaved wrongly. It's good to take a look at our behaviour when we hurt someone, but sometimes, we do the right thing, the fair thing and someone still ends up hurt.
My advice to you would be to speak to someone else in the sorority, maybe someone who is older or in a leadership position. Frankly, is sounds like this girl lashed out at you unjustifiably. She had a chance to object, and she didn't. She changed her mind after weeks—which is okay, she's allowed to change her mind about how she feels but that just sucks for her—but it doesn't mean she gets to turn around and attack you. That's not respectful.
Keep what Henry has said to you about her behaviour while they dated quiet. That is private. That is him speaking to you about his romantic past, and you shouldn't go dragging that into your sorority to use it against her. That would be gossiping and disrespectful.
But it's not disrespectful to keep on dating him. There may be drama or hurt feelings, and you should try to get some advice and support on how to handle those hurt feelings within the house. It's perfectly right and correct to want to minimize any hurt you cause her, but that doesn't mean she gets to attack you, shame you or insist you break up.
Being respectful and considerate towards someone, doesn't mean they get thier way.
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The Question
i have friends that copies me?? for example i really like this singer for a long time and all my friends know it and then suddenly my friend A copied me and said how his songs are good and stuff and in my heart i was like ".... i told you... now ur here telling me how good he is but i already know..." and friend A also copy my other interests and it is kind of annoying. my other closer friend B, she is a close friend of mine but shes been copying me since forever but i didnt really care because shes my best friend. but recently she copied my hairstyle, and also my taste in music, AND my interests. i also told her some famous youtubers and few months later she starts fangirling about them and in my heart im like "what the hell stop trying to be me and talk about what i like".
i cant tell them that to stop copying me because im scared and tbh im not that good o perfect so im afraid theyll say something like im not copying you, i like them too. i know its their freedom to like what they want but it just pisses me off how they like the exact same thing as me and other people thinks they know that thing (things that they copy) better than me.
tl;dr
friends kept copying my style and other people thought they found it out my themselves but its actually me who taught them trendy topics.
thanks for reading... i really want to know how to stop them from copying me without being rude
The Answer
You don't own a singer. Or public youtube videos. Or even hairstyles. You don't own trends. Trendy things exist because of people jumping on board, and copying them. If you always want to be 'trendy' then you'll need to constantly update your trends to keep ahead of people like your friends. It's really that simple.
The healthy thing tho, would be not to worry about who is the most on trend, and not need to be expert on these things, and just enjoy what you enjoy without stressing about other people. Honestly, there is no reason to care if strangers think one of your friends knows more about a YouTuber than you do. That is really, really meaningless.
You need to work on your own attitude. It's okay to be frustrated, but that is where it's got to end. If being trendy is really important to you, then you'll need to spend a lot of time staying ahead of people who find out about trends later on. But if what is important to you is just liking what you like and having friends, then you need to chill out.
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The Question
so i have 2 friends, A, and B. A and I are closer and but B still counts as our best friend. so the thing is whenever we 3 are together, A kept on trying to be in the middle and keeps talking to B as if she wants B only to herself, so i feel kind of isolated. besides, i dont want B to feel closer to A than me, because it is not fair, it would be better if we like each other fairly.
A talks to B about their common interests for example a famous youtuber called pewdiepie. B liked him for so long, but A just recently liked him and i know before she doesnt even watch his videos. one morning we were walking to school and A in the middle as usual, was talking about how she likes pewdiepie's videos and B agreeing, and I was like hey A i didnt know u like pewdiepie? and she replied omg i liked him for so long already and i was like okay...
but i know its just a recent and vague interest because i taught her about famous youtubers and without me, A will still be the lame nerd that she used to be and read books in her free time.
The Answer
Liking each other 'fairly' doesn't mean things won't change
or shift, or that people won't have different levels of interest. Fair, doesn't mean exactly the same. It's means hoenstly and with respect and kindess.
You are the one being unfair, when you start acting like a mean girl and insulting A for her interests and calling her name like 'lame nerd'. If I were A, and you were treating me that way, I'd probably want to spend more time with B too!
This is the sort of thing you need to be mature enough to deal with—your friends also have relationships with each other. Stop being so threatened and start being a good friend to maintain the special friendships you have with each of them. Fair means respect and kindness. If you act out with this mean girl shit of jealousy and judgement, you're not going to build healthy friendships with either of them.
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The Question
Ok.yes there is a co worker that every time i see or speak to her my heart explodes.we see other a couple times a week. A d we always have connection type feeling and talk about anything .we are both married. And the other day she said that i was trouble with a smile .and that i dont bother her by coming by and talking to her. Do ask her out for coffee or ...
The Answer
If you are unhappy in your marriage, go home and deal with that.
Right now, you are living largely in a fantasy world. You barely know this woman, but have built up a love story around her. That isn't fair to her, or to you, or to either of your parents. It's also a recipe for disaster.
If you are unhappy in your marriage, speak up about that with your partner.
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The Question
21/f
I have a gay best friend who has recently smothered me from the details of his new relationship. I hear about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. Literally. I am currently down and in a rut when it comes to my love life. And he knows this. He has,I'm not kidding,informed me if EVERY date,kiss,bite and sex they've had. And I just couldn't stand it anymore. I am by no means jealous. I just don't want to hear about relationships until I get my life together. So I sent him a message with this content:
"I have a favour to ask. And I know it's going to sound selfish,but I have to make this request. You know that I really don't have my shit together when it comes to my love life. And frankly it makes me uncomfortable hearing about you and him every single day. It's not about jealousy,I just think you're sharing too much of what is supposed to be private. Nonetheless I'm very glad that you two are happy. There,I had to get that off my chest."
And he replied by berating me about doing the same when I was dating so he thought it was OK. While I did tell him about my relationships,I never went into so much detail,and every single day. I feel at ease that I won't listen to that anymore,but I fesr I may lose his friendship now. Am I a bad person for simply wanting to be at peace from his constant nagging?
The Answer
Yes, it was a bit selfish, but it probably wasn't a mistake to talk about your feelings.
It's good to be a bit selfish about your own needs and happiness. In friendships or relationships, it's good to speak up for yourself.
But you did fuck up. Here is where you fucked up:
When he said "But you did this too!!!" the right response was "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I don't want us to hurt each other."
Maybe he IS worse at this then you ever were, but it was still unkind not to acknowledge his feelings on the matter. It was okay to not want to hear about his relationship all the time. It was not okay to get your back up, and refuse to listen to HIS experience of your behavior.
Honestly, the best thing you can do right now, is apologize if you ever made his feel upset or in pain when you were sharing your relationship happiness - because he deserves to have his feelings respected just as much as you deserve to have yours respected. Instead of getting defensive, and insisting you were never as bad as he is, remind him that you really want him to speak up if something you are doing (like talking about your relationship happiness all the time) is hurting him.
Maybe talking about your relationship as you did didn't actually upset him - hopefully, if that's the case, he'll realize that the important part here is not about it being exactly 'the same' for each person, but about respecting that different people may feel differently. But your best path forward is still to apologize for any pain you did cause him, and tell him how much you appreciate having a friendship where you can be honest and take good care of each other.
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The Question
Well i am 20 years old from India in my final year of Engineering. I hav been facing lots of criticism at home by dad who happens to be too much of a perfectionist.I somehow manage to get all his criticism for no fault of mine.i just happened to be seeing A cartoon on tv which led to one thing and then another. The last thing i knew was my dad telling me i have no aim in life and stuff..i agree i m not totally pumped up. I love to take things in my pace..it isnt so that i am not in the field i love. Or i do not study. I give in my 100%. Till now, i have given everything my best shot. I have failed and been disappointed..but i do not take everything too harshly. I try to learn from my mistakes. Analyze myself. But i do not show it or tell any1. Just bcz i did nt get marks the way my dad or for the matter even others expected..dad says i have been fooling them and nt studyng which i havent at all.I do not compete with any1 except myself. I do not mind others going ahead of me or staying behind me.its just i do not rush heavily into things, i love takin my time with things. I have huge aspirations in life and ready to face any failure bt you just cant criticize every step i take and call it "constructive criticism". I tried telling him my point of view but he just doesnt seem to understand my side. I may be wrong sumtyms i accept it..same way he cant be right all the time. I end up gettin criticized if i speak up..if i dont i neways get criticized. I ignore but this frustrates me.he has been jobless for some 8 years now and doing some small business which gets our family but my mother is the only one who is earning..i m really. Frustrated..please advice needed
The Answer
Are you still living at home?
'Cause you should stop that if you can.
You've got ideas now about how you'd like to live your life, and achieve your goals. What you are experiencing is something pretty much anyone else who lives at home into their adulthood experiences. You are confident enough now in your choices that you don't need your parent's micromanaging your life.
It's a normal, healthy place to be at. Your starting to see your parents as people, not just parents, and as people you may legitimately disagree with them.
If you can't move out, at least, take a deep breath and realize that although this is unpleasant, you have to let it go, stay confident in yourself, and work towards a peaceful living arrangement with your parents. Even if that sometimes means shutting up and nodding along with them when they get a bug up their ass about something.
As a young adult living at home, your parents deserve your respect, not your agreement. So take a deep breath and give them what they are owed and try not to get too upset when they are simple, 100%, wrong.
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The Question
First off, we're both adults and we attend the same college where we both dorm. We've only been dating for a month, but unlike the usual "one date a week" relationship we've been seeing each other almost every day and have stayed the night together multiple times so we know one another better than most couples at this point. I've been in a serious long term relationship before so I'm also not new to dating and I know the differences between infatuation and love and when you're just in the honeymoon phase.
Anyways, everything was going really well with us, we were both incredibly happy and I was really starting to believe maybe I found the right one because it was just that amazing (compared to my previous relationships).
Then we got into what I thought was a small argument a few days back. I backed down really quickly and apologized for something I shouldn't have because I wanted to salvage the rest of our night and then we went on about our relationship like nothing happened. He's gone back to being as happy as he was before and I've been trying to act like it too, but I'm not okay. I had let down a lot of my walls with him which I'd never done so quickly with anybody else and I really truly trusted him. During the argument though he made a comment about how if anybody was going to end the relationship it would be him. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but something about that hit me really hard. I know at the time he said it that he was upset, but it still hurt a lot. Since then, he's been his usual sweet and loving self, constantly telling me sweet little things, doing things for me, ect...but I can't get what he said out of my mind.
Another issue is that when we get romantic he talks about how much he cares about me and how he can't wait until we're actually intimate (we're waiting until I get on BC and for the moment to be right) and has even begged me once or twice to engage in the act. I took that as obvious signs he wanted to be intimate and the other night I asked him about how he felt about planning a special night for it not too far in the distance (because the way things were going in bed I didn't think he wanted to wait much longer to have sex and neither did I especially being that neither of us are virgins). To my shock, he wound up telling me that he wasn't ready to have sex with me yet and was afraid he'd regret it if we did it this soon. It made me feel incredibly naive and stupid and I can't understand why he kept saying he wanted to if he didn't or why he wanted me to get on birth control. I didn't let how much it hurt me show and told him I'd wait for him however long it took.
Today he pulled up a picture on my computer that said "I love you" but I totally blew it off because I didn't believe it. He's never said it out loud and didn't verify if he meant it or not so I'm assuming that he was just trying to be cute and didn't mean it, but that's just one more thing that confused me.
It seems like he's giving me mixed signals and I'm starting to rapidly build my walls back up and find myself reprimanding myself for trusting him and letting my emotions get in the way of my common sense.
I feel really stuck right now and don't know what to do. I don't want to go on feeling like this, but I also can't bring up how hurt I am because I don't want to put any stress on the relationship. I'm constantly scared that he's going to break up with me at any given moment and that I'm going to have done things with him that I shouldn't have. I'm afraid I'm going to be the stupid naive girl that he's going to talk bad about if we break up and I'm scared that he doesn't care as much for me as I do for him. I don't know what to do. I don't mean to make him sound like a bad person at all either, because other than these instances he's absolutely wonderful. The best guy you can think of which is why I do care so much.
Please help?
The Answer
Either break up with him, or cut him so slack.
He's probably not evil. He's probably just confused and conflicted. Like you are sometimes. Like all human beings are sometimes.
Honestly, you ignored him when he expressed "I love you". THAT is going put stress on this relationship. Your choice to ignore that, is going to cause problems. Probably more problems, then bringing up the fact that you are now confused about whether or not he wants to have sex, because what he said didn't line up with what behaviors he was engaging in—and that that confusion is causing you pain.
Read that last sentence again. Doesn't that sound like a totally legit thing to talk about? Like, doesn't it sound like, sure, any person would be confused when someone says one thing while doing another! and any person would be hurt if someone seemed like they totally wanted to have sex, and then suddenly didn't! Your reaction to that is totally normal and completely okay to talk to him about.
Stop making a huge deal about your own perceived damage and walls. These are not helpful stories to be telling yourself. Instead, realize that what you are feeling and doing is normal. What he is feeling and doing is also probably normal.
His sudden confusion over the idea of having sex, is probably no more intended as a betrayal than your silence on the fact he left you a message that said "I love you." was intended to hurt him. However, you're also probably both hurt one another with your actions. You are both just confused and scared. Until you admit that, and talk about it, you'll keep on hurting one another.
If you don't trust him enough to do that. Then end it. If you can't do that. Your relationship is over and you are just waiting for one of you to say it out loud.
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The Question
i want to have the healthiest relationship with my bf. so one thing i need to learn to do is to kill all my expectations!!!!
like i dont want to expect fast replies from him because sometimes hes busy. i dont want to expect him to be really really really really sweet because thats just not how he is all the time.
theres much much more but how do i not have any expectations?!?!?! what sthe easiest way to not have any????????????????????????
The Answer
Having no expectations is not a good thing.
You should strive to kind, fair and honest. Not try to turn yourself off or pretend you don't have needs and wants.
Healthy expectations are part of a respecting a person. For example, you do your best to respond to people you respect promptly. That's not a crazy thing for you want from your boyfriend—and if you respect that he has other work or obligations that might get in the way—then that is a healthy expectation. You both can expect the other person to take your seriously, and not call your names or try to hurt you. Those are fair expectations too.
Don't try to have any expectations. Just be honest about the ones you do have, and listen to him. Having an expectation doesn't mean it'll be met, but it does mean it's something you should be aware of. Sometimes expectations, are actually really important needs that you can't just make go away.
No one actually wants a partner who is so chill they don't expect ANYTHING, because being that chill, means you don't give a shit. Not about them, or about what you deserve as a person.
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The Question
My bestfriend introduced me to her best guy friend he told her she must give his number to me the next day we decided to meet each other..we were at his house with friends and then we ended up being alone,we were talking getting to know eachother bt then we kissed and ended up having sex...afta that everything was fine between us..i then told mx best friend what happend and that we slept together I was so shocked cause it happend unexpectedly and i just met him i then didnt hear from him for a few days so i decided to text him only to find out he deletd my number cause he asked "who's this" i then tld hm and he was so shocked and then did nt respond again,then two days later i textd hm and he asked me if why did i tell my bestfriend that we slept together i then told hm that i didnt and he told me "dont talk crap she told me" i then didnt knw what to do and i ddnt wana lie so i admitted that i did tell her i then told hm that i did tell her cause i ddnt knw what to do i just met him and i slept with him and i know his angry and sorry wont fix it he then didnt reply,i textd hm again today bt i just said hs name and then once again he asked who 's this and ths time i told him to figure it out its the person he stopped replying to he then replied saying "well i cant figure things out now" i t.gen said is that how quickly he forgotten,sorry i wasted hs time he read but never replied after that..i told my best friend what happend and she says he has moods i must leave him and let him come right..thing is hs the 1st guy i met after getting over my ex boyfriend..i knw i just met him but i came to the point of liking him and wanting to get to know him furthe but now i dont know what to do cause i really wna see him again mayb its my fault cause i gave in too quick but i was stl gtn over my ex and it just felt nice to be with someone again laugh cuddle etc even though we just met..please help me out here i really want a chance with this guy i want totalk and see him again is there anything i can do to fix it..what did i do wrong,why is he acting so,why dont he want to answer my msgs is he still angry or what..please help me please i feel like i wasted hs time i dnt want to msg hm again cause i dont want to seem desperate which im not,i just want a chance with him,
The Answer
He's an ass. You can't fix the fact he's an ass.
Why do you want a chance with him? You just met him. This is when people are supposed to be on their best behavior! If him ignoring you, belittingly you, judging you and blaming you is him on his best behavoir—shit, what is this guy gonna be like when he's in a really bad mood?
All you did was TALK TO YOUR BEST FRIEND. That's not at all wrong. He's treating you like you ran over his dog. What. An. Ass.
Of course it feels nice to be cuddling and close to someone, but don't make the mistake of thinking because that felt nice, means that person is nice. This person is not nice. This person sounds freaky mean. I'd want to stay far away from them.
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The Question
My English teacher is known for changing the seating plan a lot and she most recently changed it on Friday. I hadn't moved seats since September, and I feel uncomfortable where I'm sat, maybe it's because I'm not used to it, I don't know, but my teacher sat me next to a really disruptive kid,who's really annoying me. I used to sit next to my best friend, but we never distracted each other, and I liked that I was sat next to him, because if I was stuck, he'd help me and vice-versa. I was also more comfortable with the position where I was sat, right near the front, but now I'm on the middle row which is longer the other rows, which means I have one person either side of me which means I need to be very careful when I'm writing, but when I only had one person sat next to me, it was much much easier. The person who sits in my best friend's old place now is my enemy, with nobody occupying the space next to her, I wish I could occupy that space, but the teacher would have to move her first. Will I get used to the new seating plan over time, or should I request to sit back where I used to, as long as my best friend is there too.
The Answer
You will probably get used to it.
You should definitely not ask to sit with your friend. A teacher who likes to mix up the seating is not going to take that request seriously. If you are finding someone you are beside really disruptive, tell your teacher that, but know there is always a chance you'll like where you placed next even less.
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