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Break up
Hi,
It's been a couple of months since my ex and I broke up. I was going through a lot, and at least I thought she was going through a lot, so I decided that it wouldn't be any good to continue to purse the relationship. I'll give you some background...
I'm a senior in college and she's a freshman, so I have a lot more on my plate than she does, between graduating on time, making the grades, and working with internships. It's been absolutely crazy for me. And I noticed that something was not ok with me because of the huge amount of workload I've been taking up. I didnt see my family doctor until after our relationship but it turns out that I have ADD and my anxiety is off the charts. But while we were dating, she told me a lot of stuff about herself. Things like how her father abused her when she was younger and that she told her mother and her mother didn't believer her or do anything about it. But he recently passed away and she didn't go to his funeral, which wasn't okay with her mom, and she was pissed off about how her mom was trying to make her go. The weekend of that day, she went out and spent the weekend with her friends and partied, and I pretty much lost contact with her for the whole weekend. Sunday comes by and she texts me and comes over to my place to tell me that she was out drinking with her friend and got arrested for being a minor in possession of alcohol, and she basically "took" care of it somehow, without telling her parents. Well, eventually those papers backtracked anyway. And then a couple of weeks later, I lost contact with her again and she said she got into a really bad car accident and totaled her car which was the other drivers fault. And her parents found out about her being in jail so her mom fought mental custody over her because while she was in the hospital she was under medication and she had told the doctor that she was schizophrenic which was new to her mother and her family (Hence her mom fighting mental custody over her). And that she was going to send her to a mental hospital in missouri or somewhere in georgia and she had to convince her mom to let her finish that semester of school.
I haven't talked to her since we had that conversation but I told her that I was also moving because I couldn't live in the current apartment complex that I was living in. I roomed with two other people and they partied almost every day and always had people over. I couldn't get any sleep and living in the kind of condition that place was, I really had to leave. So when she told me that she was leaving school and possibly georgia I said okay, and I told her i was moving too. I really didn't have the capacity to be upset that she was in the situation she was in because I was going through my own pains. And I asked her if she even ever liked me or was just playing games, and she said yes... but I don't believer her anyway. So I let her go.
It's the next semester now, and I've seen her in the car driving from or to school because we go to the same college. I saw her once in her friends car for a ride, and then driving back to the apartment I think I saw her in her own car, so I'm thinking that she lied to me about the car accident because nothing was wrong with it from what I saw, just that both the wheels on the driver side were spare tires. I'm confused about why she broke up with me the way she did saying that her mom was going to send her to a mental institution instead of just breaking up with me like a normal person? It feels like the way she broke up with me was such a disgrace when she could've just told me she didn't want to continue our relationship. It seems like she made up such a huge lie to not be with me anymore and I'm not sure why she had to go through all of that for a break up. I see her checking my snapchat every now and then and every time I see it I just want to tell her to fuck off. When she could've texted me to tell me that she's staying in georgia or that her mom's not sending her to a mental institution, or that she's going to be continuing school. Just, what the fuck? It leaves me so pissed off because I didn't want to pursue a relationship, but she pursued me and then when she had me, she decided that she didn't want me. It's annoying and stupid. Not only that but the way she broke up with me, saying that she was getting sent away, was such a major disgrace because I'm still friends with the people that I room with and they see her on the complex every now and then. I'm just so confused, beyond words as to why she left like that.
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Something about her does not add up. My belief is that you should consider yourself lucky that things turned out as they did. This world is full of people with mental illnesses, anxieties, depression and all sorts of other not so good things that can easily interfere with how well a relationship works if at all. Some are on meds and others like my ex was highly functioning out in society but at home or when alone with family or a mate, its down time and time to let the pressures of trying to come off as normal just go. Unfortunately how people with issues do that can vary. Some lie, make up outrageous stories, point the finger and place blame on others, demand others do as they say or throw royal fits which can include becoming verbally or physically abusive and generally just using some innocent person in their life as the one they just dump on.
I had an ex like that. This girl sounds like a good candidate for fitting that profile. Since a relationship that goes on for years and decades with such a person is a very painful and unhappy one, again I say you are lucky that for whatever reason, you are no longer with her. If you can change your line of thinking from "its terrible how she broke up with me" to "I am lucky that she is no longer in my life." then you will find your mind finally comes to a place of peace.
Let me share another piece of info that may help you put things in perspective so you not only can let go what others like this do to you in life but to understand there is always some reason why people do what they do. If not mental illness, perhaps, to them, it's their idea of normal due to how they were raised, the examples they grew up with, or they are just immature and need a lot more time than others to catch up and grow up to act like an adult.
Here's something else that can determine whether a person makes good decisions or not or is unable to see the possible problems looming up if they choose a particular path. Teens do this and quite a few college age too and its all because of the frontal lobe of the brain. In humans, it is the last thing of the body to come to full mature development which means that until the age of 25 as scientists have given as a general age, tho I have seen others take about 3,4 more years for this to happen, the young person are actually in a way handicapped temporarily until their brain matures. This is often an underlying cause for rash decisions, making no sense, taking risks, and lack of skill in getting along with others, etc. This also may be the case for her and she may not have a brain mature enough to negotiate a serious relationship until she is 29, 30 if not earlier. Not everyone matures at the same rate. Remember even for puberty, there were those early, on time and late bloomers. Mentally, she just may be a late bloomer. Whatever the reason, if you are ready to date seriously, you need a mature lady, someone more at the same level as you of maturity. If you'd rather not date, then no worry.
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Get over it.
I'm sorry. I really am, because I do understand why this would bother you or eat away at you, but you absolutely must let it go. This anger is going to make you an unpleasant person to be around, and poison your future relationships.
You need to find some peace, even though you will never know what her deal was.
She is probably not mentally well. Perhaps, she is not as unwell as she led you to believe, but she is clearly not well. You saw only a snapshot of her life while you were togeather (and admit it, you weren't that interested in the drama of her life at that time anyways!). You never got the whole picture. You don't know what happened. Your assumptions about her now might be rational, but they aren't fair to her or to you. The anger you are dwelling in now is more destructive to you than anyone else. The judgement you are passing over her actions, past and present, is going to have a way more negative effect on you moving forward in life, than her.
The thing about breaking up is that you stop getting to know what's up with the other person. To a certain degree, you will experience this sort of "WTF!?" frustration in every break up you ever have. It's a normal part of breaking up.
Since the breakup—the only thing you describe as her doing that bothers you is that she exists on campus and that checks out your snapchat. She has every right to exist on campus, and if you don't want your social media to be available to her, you need to take control of that by either changing your settings, or stop using that kind of media.
You didn't want to be with her anyways. Then she decided didn't want to be with you, and doesn't seem like she was equipped to be with anyone. Don't get obsessed with your own pride or who dumped whom and stop stewing in frustration and resentment. Just take a deep breath, realize you'll never know the whole story, and be glad you aren't in the thick of it, whatever the hell it is.
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