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Dating: are my sexual self and my emotional self disconnected?
I am 24 and a virgin and every time I go on a date with a guy, he tries to make the moves on me within an hour of knowing each other. I want to have sex, I truly, truly do, but I want it to be with someone who I've established trust with. I can't establish trust with someone within an hour of knowing them. Why does EVERY guy I go out with seem to only want to have sex with me? I am really losing hope that that "right guy" doesn't exist, that I'm not going to fall in love or establish a relationship with someone. I just don't see how it's possible. Maybe this idea of "the right person" is a construct of society? Maybe I'm not the good girl I think I am, and am actually the promiscuous type but don't realize it. Maybe I need to just lose my virginity to someone I don't know and get it over with. Why do I attract this type of energy? I'm actually somewhat awkward and weird/unique, so I really don't understand why every dating situation is so sexually powered. Am I too closed off emotionally? Maybe I don't actually want love or a relationship and just want sex? If this is the case should I just get rid of the virgin burden? I just feel like every dating situation is the same and always based on sex and I just want to understand what is happening and why, instead of just letting the same situation occur over and over and over again. Advice?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You will regret losing your virginity to a stranger a lot more than waiting to meet the right person. Someday throughout of all the horrible dates you have, you will have a great one, and it will have been worth waiting for. You said yourself you want it to be with someone you trust, and that will make it worth it in the end. You will find someone someday, I believe there's someone for everyone. I truly do. Don't give up.
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I'll pick up where adice man left off. There are plenty of dating sites out there. Some are still free, but the one he mentioned is one of the best...match.com is a site where you answer what seems like hundreds of questions about yourself that help them have a clue as to who you are and what person would be a good fit to a point. We will all still have our differences and the small stuff we can change and compromise on like whether one leaves the toilet seat up or down. But there are other parts of what makes a person who they are, their character and personality that won't change because changing these major things about you that are not who you are, which are not bad things in themselves at all, will irritate the one who changes to the point they begin to resent the one they changed to be totally right for. I'll try to explain my experience with dating sites. I had no spare money for match.com which my husband I found says is the best. He found it after putting out his profile on a free site where he found me. I was divorced from an almost 30 yr marriage. I put out a paragraph of black & white honesty about who I am, what makes me tick, my strengths and weaknesses, kind of much like a job interview only different and way more important as this will be a partner hopefully for life, not a job for a period of time.
I also made a list of what were deal breakers for me in a guy. I am allergic to cigarette smoke and couldn't be with a guy who was a smoker and would not require him to change for me, no matter how healthy it is, knowing that many who quit, can't stay that way and go back to smoking sooner or later. I could imagine that happening after we'd already become a couple and fallen in love and that would be something that took part in hurting the relationship or causing resentment that eventually causes the drifting apart and break up of a relationship or life long unhappiness if staying together...I'd already had the unhappiness for 30 yrs in first marriage so my list had criteria for a man to meet. Some basics that are important to you. Lets say you want kids and the guy does not ever! That would be a deal breaker for you if you met a guy like that.
Also, often guys who will pay for a dating/match making site are more important interested in finding someone to be their partner for the rest of their life, married or not. So using such a site is a bit faster than just hoping to bump into a good guy out in society or worse, trying to find one at bars or dance spots. So since you feel like you are hunting for a needle in a haystack and all you're finding is strands of hay or maybe a twig or two, the internet can help. It may not be instant and a lot of losers, the type you've already run into, will answer your ad but thats a given, even with my list, I still got smokers, liars, those trying to cheat on wife, guys with anger problem..yes they got angry with mme right at the start, and so on. What you need is to learn how to recognize the warning signs, or traits of guys you want to avoid earlier on so you dont waste too much time with them or get your hopes up with them.
Now I will talk about sex as far as finding a guy. My ex had a low libido and tried to convince me I was the problem, frigid. Hah, as soon as I started dating and having sex with others, I discovered not only did I have a high sex drive but men found me to be a great sex partner and certainly frigid didn't apply at all. So girl, its not promiscuous to want to know if a guy you seem to enjoy as a friend, companion, whom you connect to on an emotional level, might be able to be a good connect on a sexual level and at my older age, I still would see how the first date or two went and then have sex only if he seemed promising, and if that was a fail, then I wouldnt see him anymore. But then, I'd already been married. I do understand your wish to connect with him first and be able to trust before going to that step of becoming sex partners. Its one thing to have sex with a guy just wanting to date but not make a life long commitment and having sex the first time with someone you know is seriously looking for a wife or life long partner. While it is fine if a person wants to remain a virgin until marriage, the virgin story only came about during a time when there was no such thing as birth control or paternity tests and remaining a virgin til marriage was the next best thing males could come up with. In todays society however, virginity for marriage is not required. But being in love to marry should be required. So it comes down to finding a male with whom having sex for the first time is a good experience, even if he isn't in love with you, its possible but at your age range, guys are either getting married or not into commitment and love and just wanting a social companion for dating and sex.
Rest assured you're very normal, not a bad girl or closed off or promiscuous, etc.
BUT...on the other hand, men are very normal for being as sexually charged as they are and it never stops no matter how old they are. Maybe their abilities slow down but all in all, they are still like young teen boys on the inside, wanting to catch a glimpse down your shirt, enjoying your looks and wondering how you look with the clothes off, etc. My own husband I met online admitted after we got together that the day we first met in person, he was trying to catch glimpses down my top without being obvious or noticed. I hadn't noticed, he was good. But that was normal. I did put in profile that I was very sexual, high libido and looking for someone who would match me there as my ex hadn't. Of course, this got me lots of messages from guys whose opening line was about how hot looking I was and how they could satisfy me sexually. I wrote back "not interested' to all of those. My husband didnt refer to my looks in his first message until 2/3s the way thru his page long letter where he stated, "don't get me wrong, you are fair on the eyes, but I am sensing that there is so much more to you on the inside than what men see on the outside and it is who you are on the inside that is catching my attention."
That certainly got my attention. He didn't boast of his sexual prowess either but could simply state that indeed he did have a high libido, desire to have sex. What adviceman mentioned, the meat market mentality is out there, even if not in the bars, but when your' out in the park, on the beach or even the grocery. I married at 20 and wasn't really aware if other men looked at me sexually but after leaving the bad marriage, even tho approaching 50, I discovered that I was the type of female who even without trying, just seemed to ooze out naturally a sexual allure to men that would cause them to look at me, smile, wink, anywhere and everywhere in public. I also by this time in life had gained self confidence and was not afraid to tell a guy right up front what my rules were, what I wanted and if they felt they had to change to fit or didn't want to or werent able to be that man for me, then they could just walk away.
Peoples subconscious mind will pick up on self confidence and so I had much less of guys aggressively trying to come on to me sexually, no matter the age. Without going into it, I even met a much younger guy looking for his 'cougar' and because he did the right thing with me and only flirted but never said a word about sex , I just saw the desire in his eyes, you've seen it in movies, horsing around innocently but then both people freeze cus they are both seeing something in each others eyes and then kiss. Due to my experience of years, I was able to see his desire for sex and I brought it up right away, telling him what I felt I saw, asking if that was so cus I wasn't sure I was ready or able to at all due to the age difference. He admitted but promised to be a gentleman and continue to be just friends as he also valued that very much and would leave it up to me to say something if I ever wanted to go further. I eventually did as it had been too long for me without sex and I had a willing person, and hon, he wasnt but a handful of years older than you. So there are guys at your age range who can be gentlemen and take the time to get to know you even if they may be desiring you sexually all along.
I usually waited until during or after the first date or meet up to give a guy my list of what I will be okay with and what not, basically your boundaries. You truly do hold the power dear. But in your case, it sounds like you need to have this talk with a guy before the first date, at the moment he actually asks you out. But how you do it will determine how successful you are in not hurting feeling of the truly good guy out there. If a guy you know asks you out or a stranger in public starts chatting and then asks for a date, thats the time to say something. So make a list first and you will update it to take off a few things but add a whole lot of others of what boundaries, rules a guy must agree to first.
I would say it is best to give each guy the benefit of the doubt, that he is a gentleman (even tho he's never acted like one in his life) its called using tact. "Derek, I need to tell you something before going on a date. It will be more actually you deciding on whether you still want to after you hear my story. Basically, I know I want to have sex, but with a guy I trust and both of us have some kind of feelings and attraction for each other. The attraction part is easiest and I have plenty of guys wanting sex with me but I am looking for the whole relationship and the only way I know will work for me is to take the time to get to know the guy, being honest about how we feel, if we feel the sexual attraction even though not engaging in it early on. I want to take the time to get to know the guy, long enough where a guy only wanting sex wouldnt be willing to wait. I can't give you a time how long a wait that would be, be it depends alot on who the guy is, how he interacts with me. I am so tired of beating off the guys who just want a one night stand, and you may not be one of them, and if so, I hope you understand but its important to me."
If a guy if upset by you openly sharing and not being able to put himself in your shoes and feel empathy for your situation, then the guy was wrong for you and congratulations, you just crossed another loser off the list. People who get angry or take things too personally may change at some point in their life but you cant wait and suffer though dealing with someone who doesn't have those qualities now of patience, slow to anger, understanding and caring, and has self confidence. So don't be afraid to say something when asked out. It might sound like overkill and may scare away a lot of guys. I went to several hundreds, not meeting all LOL, but reading their messages on my dating site and my responses back.
I will share now my belief that the best of long term relationships are built on a two part foundation of being each others best friend and also both being sexually compatible. The sexual part, if it comes first in younger people or older immature ones, will take center stage and rule out a chance for the friendship part to grow properly if at all. It is most wonderful if the friendship and the sexual parts could grow at equal rates at the same time without the sex taking over but that is rare tho I've experienced that with 2nd husband. Some get stuck in the friendship zone and never make it to the other part. All I can say is that honest communication often enough can help avert lots of pain and problems. Even just your thoughts, or something that comes up in your mind if instead of just wondering what prompted the guys actions or him to say certain words, ASK. If not for sharing what was on my mind, something I felt or experienced lets say during sex, I would never have known my husband experienced the same, a certain feeling or sensation that even at this age, we'd never experienced before. Don't be too shy to just speak out cus in doing so, you may draw even closer together which is what you are looking for. I can send you more on making your lists of how to honestly describe yourself to help you know what your needs and must haves would be, and how those help in making the list of what you are looking for in a guy and its best put in positive phrases, the positive things you are looking for rather than stating the negative, like a patient person vs no impatient guys please.
Let me know if I can help you out anymore dear. I have daughters your age struggling with the same. I know its hard, but with patience and trying some specific things, you can likely increase your chances of finding some decent guys.
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My apologies the answer I put in answer to your question was meant for a different question. My answer to you is below; I'm sorry for the mix up.
I can't give you a reason as to why you attract this type of guy other than maybe you should think about where you meet them. Some places are just known to be meat markets where the people that go there are interested in just having sex, one night stands. That plus the fact that guys your age still are looking for lust over love.
I would not suggest you throw your ideals out the window and have sex with the next Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along. For one thing it will be very unsatisfying and for another you will end up hating yourself for doing so.
I can't say for certain from the little you have written but I get the feeling your a bit like my son. A young lady hurt him dearly after which he was commitment shy and went looking for a perfect fit. We live in an off the rack world were you tailor to fit. I have the feeling you have a picture of the perfect man in mind and what you need to do is find someone who fits to a point that you can tailor to be a better fit.
My son finally turned to a dating site. He had a couple of false starts. The girls were all nice and I could see him living out his life with any of them. Though they just didn't or couldn't be fitted to what he was looking for. Then he met my future daughter in-law. They were both looking for the perfect fit but they have been able to change enough (each making a compromise) to be perfect fits to each other. So much so I can see how deeply my son loves her and how much she is in love with him. They are now a perfect fit for each other because they were willing to change just a bit for each other.
You have nothing to lose by going on match.com or any of the other sights and putting your profile on line and what you are looking for. I is my firm belief Mr. Right is out there if you look in the right places. Save your virginity a bit longer. Mr. Right will appreciate you did so and you will have a much better experience when you give him your virginity.
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Where are you finding these guys?
Look, there is a clearly a disconnect here between what sort of relationship you want, and want sort of relationship these men think you want. If you were 19, I'd be sympathetic, but at 24 you've gotta learn to speak up and suss out these guys a bit better than you have been, if you are consistently ending up with guys who want sex within the first few hours.
Seriously, if this is always happening to you at 24, you need to get better at the selection process for your dates.
I don't think you are too closed off emotionally, but I think you probably closed off verbally and you aren't being very proactive. If a guy initiates more than you are interested in early in a relationship, say EXACTLY what you said here "Actually, I need to build more trust and familiarity before I'm comfortable doing that."
A lot of men are just fine with that sort of boundary setting. That is part of letting them know what sort of relationship you are looking for right now.
If they aren't fine with that, then get the hell away from them.
Most healthy, loving relationships between people your age, in today's culture, will include sex. The 'Right Guy' out there for you, almost certainly wants to have sex with you. You need to not be quite so judgemental when a person expresses sexual interest, and instead, look at how they respect your boundaries.
You need to learn to speak up earlier on about what you are looking for. That means even in dating profiles, or in the first few minutes of meeting someone. You probably also need to stop letting comments about sex allow your mind to jump to "He only wants sex!". Nearly everyone wants sex. A much smaller number of people ONLY want sex. Trust your gut and keep yourself safe, but don't lay judgement on people who admit to being sexual beings early on. That's not always a bad thing. Instead, that can be a chance to be hoenst about your own desires and limits.
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