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I'm really confused about how I feel in my relationship?
First off, we're both adults and we attend the same college where we both dorm. We've only been dating for a month, but unlike the usual "one date a week" relationship we've been seeing each other almost every day and have stayed the night together multiple times so we know one another better than most couples at this point. I've been in a serious long term relationship before so I'm also not new to dating and I know the differences between infatuation and love and when you're just in the honeymoon phase.
Anyways, everything was going really well with us, we were both incredibly happy and I was really starting to believe maybe I found the right one because it was just that amazing (compared to my previous relationships).
Then we got into what I thought was a small argument a few days back. I backed down really quickly and apologized for something I shouldn't have because I wanted to salvage the rest of our night and then we went on about our relationship like nothing happened. He's gone back to being as happy as he was before and I've been trying to act like it too, but I'm not okay. I had let down a lot of my walls with him which I'd never done so quickly with anybody else and I really truly trusted him. During the argument though he made a comment about how if anybody was going to end the relationship it would be him. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but something about that hit me really hard. I know at the time he said it that he was upset, but it still hurt a lot. Since then, he's been his usual sweet and loving self, constantly telling me sweet little things, doing things for me, ect...but I can't get what he said out of my mind.
Another issue is that when we get romantic he talks about how much he cares about me and how he can't wait until we're actually intimate (we're waiting until I get on BC and for the moment to be right) and has even begged me once or twice to engage in the act. I took that as obvious signs he wanted to be intimate and the other night I asked him about how he felt about planning a special night for it not too far in the distance (because the way things were going in bed I didn't think he wanted to wait much longer to have sex and neither did I especially being that neither of us are virgins). To my shock, he wound up telling me that he wasn't ready to have sex with me yet and was afraid he'd regret it if we did it this soon. It made me feel incredibly naive and stupid and I can't understand why he kept saying he wanted to if he didn't or why he wanted me to get on birth control. I didn't let how much it hurt me show and told him I'd wait for him however long it took.
Today he pulled up a picture on my computer that said "I love you" but I totally blew it off because I didn't believe it. He's never said it out loud and didn't verify if he meant it or not so I'm assuming that he was just trying to be cute and didn't mean it, but that's just one more thing that confused me.
It seems like he's giving me mixed signals and I'm starting to rapidly build my walls back up and find myself reprimanding myself for trusting him and letting my emotions get in the way of my common sense.
I feel really stuck right now and don't know what to do. I don't want to go on feeling like this, but I also can't bring up how hurt I am because I don't want to put any stress on the relationship. I'm constantly scared that he's going to break up with me at any given moment and that I'm going to have done things with him that I shouldn't have. I'm afraid I'm going to be the stupid naive girl that he's going to talk bad about if we break up and I'm scared that he doesn't care as much for me as I do for him. I don't know what to do. I don't mean to make him sound like a bad person at all either, because other than these instances he's absolutely wonderful. The best guy you can think of which is why I do care so much.
Please help?
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I totally get it, i just got out of a relationship like a month ago that was very similar to that. We lived literally half a mile from each other so basically every moment we had, we were doing stuff together from just hanging out at each others houses or taking classes together or getting something to eat. Every day we would text each other nonstop. We were in a relationship for a year and a half. As I look back at my relationship, i did the same thing you did. When we would get in an argument, i would cave in even if i knew it was wrong because i didnt want to fight. I didnt want him to be mad at me. In reality, he should be apologizing to me. Don't do what i did. I should have broke up with him so long ago. I finally stood up for myself, he had gotten me to my breaking point. I'm not saying break up with him, but if you want a healthy relationship, bring it up to him. If the relationship is meant to last, he will understand and you can figure out how to solve the problem, compromise. My ex didnt want to compromise half of the time, he wanted it his way or nothing. I pushed so hard and became so numb to his control issues just so we could have happy moments. It was not worth it, he got use to the power and getting his way. Again, don't do what I did, you will regret it. And don't hang out with each other too much because you will lose sight to reality, I didnt hang out with any of my friends, he became my priority which shouldn't be the case. If you want to talk, email me: theonenonlyandie@aol.com
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First you mention you know you did the wrong thing in apologizing for something you didnt feel was your fault. Since i don't know what the argument was about, I can't say it was him only in error or that both of you had some fault. Theres the fault of committing the error or omitting dealing with one thats been committed and that was my error in a past marriage that failed. It was going to fail either way but I would have ended up leaving him a heck of a lot sooner than waiting to raise all our kids and then leave.
YOU are not okay inside, emotionally with the things you did, backing down to keep the peace...I am so familiar with that myself.
I think your womans intuition is working well dear when you mentioned this next part:
During the argument though he made a comment about how if anybody was going to end the relationship it would be him....something about that hit me really hard.
Darned tooting right it should hit you hard! When a person in a relationship wants to be the first to break up, it means that they are afraid of rejection,or abandonment, even if there is no reason at all in the world to have that fear. In my ex's case, mental illness influenced him to fear all women would leave him at some point or another and so he'd treat them all terribly until the point they could no longer take it and they left him. So in your boyfriends mind, its better that he rejects you for whatever his reasons, rather than you rejecting him. That is not a good sign for a relationship.
Next: when we get romantic he talks about how much he cares about me.
This may be good or maybe not. For some, caring and loving is the same thing. Some don't talk much and find it hard to say but they prove it in many ways other than verbally so you can be sure he really loves you. I will list that test at the end, called...How to know if He really loves me.
Next, about him saying he's eager to be intimate with you, has even begged on occasion brought up questions on both sides. I understand it's only been one month and some people like to wait longer before becoming intimate, usually its the gal. If he's back paddling now and not seeming as eager now that you are talking about plans for the special night really soon, it could mean that he doesn't want you taking the lead in the relationship in any way shape or form. He wants everything to always be his idea, him making the first move.
Next, "I didn't let how much it hurt me show and told him I'd wait for him however long it took."
That wasn't the best move dear. When you are hurt in the future, he is going to be surprised when you finally say something after a handful of months or couple of years and say, "But it never bothered you before?" What you are afraid of is rocking the boat, or making mountains out of mole hills. All I can say is when it comes to relationships, its best that each person feels that they can be intimate with their feelings and concerns, able to fully trust their partner to listen to, hear their concerns, take them seriously and be willing to work toward some kind of resolution or compromise between each other. If you can't do that, you are either not ready to be in a serious relationship or something about your partner isn't quite right for you, no matter how nice they are.
Also, saying you'd wait for him to be ready for all long as it would take are nice words, but seriously, I wouldn't say something I might not be willing to back up later. How long is 'long' to you? Another month? What if in 3 more months, he's still holding off, while your vow to wait as long as it takes still be a vow you can keep? How about a year goes by and he's made no move to have sex with you and is still not ready? Do not make promises like that. It makes you looks too desperate for him which in turns lets him at least subconsciously feel like that puts him in the drivers seat of this relationship, he's the one in control and you will not ever have any say cus you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep him. If you think I don't know what I am talking about...I did have to walk away from someone I was in love with but due to circumstances he wouldn't bend on, wouldn't consider to meet me halfway and then to top it all, he in the end decided to go back to someone else, I was not willing to be his sometime friend with benefits on the side after being in a relationship with him.
Next about the pic on the computer saying I love you, I would say its, incredibly interesting, the timing on it, the same day you were upset enough to write to us. So I suspect he's already sensing something is wrong but doesnt want to know or he'd be asking you to share it all with him so he can reassure you and all. He just may be a guy who has a hard time sharing the words if hes a man of few words. If he's extrovert and very talkative, then it shouldnt be so hard. Or, it could be a really 'chicken' way of trying to brush stuff under the rug, not stir things up and just post the words hoping that will fix whatever is bugging you. Guys rarely do things to be cute or things they dont mean to do....thats a female trait, so unless he's gay, thats not what he was doing.
You say you;re building your walls back up. we do that to avoid getting hurt. You're already close to feeling that. But so far, he's said some things that definitely can be taken wrong. Maybe he's a klutz at expressing himself with words or using the right words. I've read so far of several times where he said something but no story from you about asking him for clarification.
Do you think that if two people a each other, re together, they;ll always understand perfectly and never have to question each other? Heck no! I have the most wonderful guy in the world for a husband...the 2nd one. And we still have to ask each other what we meant when we said blah blah blah, whatever the words are. You are afraid that asking him to rephrase what he said, or explain would upset him. Honey, if he were to get upset for you wanting clear communication when he's rather prefer you remain ignorant and just follow him along like a puppy dog, then maybe he's not exactly the most wonderful guy as you believe and you're just looking through rose colored glasses. I think all these things that are bothering you, need to be written down in the order they occured, how you took their meaning, and ask if that is what he meant. If what he wants and what you want is vastly different and he isn't willing to compromise, then there is no hope for the relationship and you can continue to put your walls back up. bUT it would be a mistake to wall up your heart if you've only misunderstood him in everything he's said and done, even if he's really bad with words and expressing himself badly being his only crime.
Lastly theres lots of fear and no self confidence in this last piece:
I don't want to put any stress on the relationship. I'm constantly scared that he's going to break up with me at any given moment and that I'm going to have done things with him that I shouldn't have. I'm afraid I'm going to be the stupid naive girl that he's going to talk bad about if we break up and I'm scared that he doesn't care as much for me as I do for him.
You mention afraid, scared and afraid and then go on to predict what you think he'll be doing and saying about you as in: breaking up with you, he'll talk bad about you, that you were naive and stupid, that he doesn't care about you as much as you do for him...
That is all examples of distorted thinking, imagining the worst. Either that or your have great intuition and some psychic skills and are able to see what is coming in the future.
right now, I believe you don't have enough to go on to make any asumptions on the relationship. What you need is to lose your fear of speaking up. If a guy can leave you so easily for voicing your concerns or asking to clarifications, then he's not a nice guy, he's a jerk and he may not have mucyh interest in you. If expecting him to be in love this early on, well yes...its possible but not all fall in love this quick. However a mature stable person doesnt act in the ways you fear that he may do. Its more fear in you that is the issue here. If you wish to get anywhere in this or future relationships, you'll need to get some help with the distorted thinking...something all people do, however we do it in different amounts, seldom up to very often. When its very often, it begins to interfere with how one progresses with their life and in relationships. If you agree this may in part be an issue for you, let me know and i'll share about a therapy for that. I may be wrong, but it seems theres low self confidence on your part and that will cause you to do the things you are doing, afraid to have equal say and be an equal partner in the relationship, maybe due to seeing the parents have a rocky relationship or other people you know close enough to know these details. You fear being alone. If you believe that having a partner makes you whole, its going to be nothing but trouble your life until you learn how it takes two complete whole people who don't need to lean on each other but choose to be together because they have more joy experiencing life together. That is how it is for my 2nd husband and I. That is what i wish for you but you aren't anywhere near it right now.
Dating is for learning what you like and don't like in a person, dating isn't for being in a serious relationship cus you Need the other person. Once a couple has really gotten to know each other well enough thru dating, then its time to either break up or make commitments to be a couple forever with or without a marriage license. Dating and established relationships do not equal the same thing. Dating is only the exploring phase for two people. So if you have trouble navigating the exploring phase, you need to get some books and start studying about all aspects of a male/female relationship so you can be ready at some point to go about dating with confidence to seek out the one who will become your life mate.
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Either break up with him, or cut him so slack.
He's probably not evil. He's probably just confused and conflicted. Like you are sometimes. Like all human beings are sometimes.
Honestly, you ignored him when he expressed "I love you". THAT is going put stress on this relationship. Your choice to ignore that, is going to cause problems. Probably more problems, then bringing up the fact that you are now confused about whether or not he wants to have sex, because what he said didn't line up with what behaviors he was engaging in—and that that confusion is causing you pain.
Read that last sentence again. Doesn't that sound like a totally legit thing to talk about? Like, doesn't it sound like, sure, any person would be confused when someone says one thing while doing another! and any person would be hurt if someone seemed like they totally wanted to have sex, and then suddenly didn't! Your reaction to that is totally normal and completely okay to talk to him about.
Stop making a huge deal about your own perceived damage and walls. These are not helpful stories to be telling yourself. Instead, realize that what you are feeling and doing is normal. What he is feeling and doing is also probably normal.
His sudden confusion over the idea of having sex, is probably no more intended as a betrayal than your silence on the fact he left you a message that said "I love you." was intended to hurt him. However, you're also probably both hurt one another with your actions. You are both just confused and scared. Until you admit that, and talk about it, you'll keep on hurting one another.
If you don't trust him enough to do that. Then end it. If you can't do that. Your relationship is over and you are just waiting for one of you to say it out loud.
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