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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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So I just got out of a relationship about a week ago because he had to move away. The whole 5 months I was with him I had to hide it all from my parents because they think I'm too young to handle a relationship. I said I was going out with my best friend when really I was going on dates with him. I hate hiding guy problems from my parents I feel like I'm growing apart from them and that I can't to them, How do I tell them about my problems when I could get in trouble or have my phone confiscated? I am a 13 y/o female and I just want to be closer with my parents and not have to lie but still feel like I have some sort of independence/ freedom.

I know I felt mature and ready for anything at your age. Looking back, I now know I was not. It is a good idea though to have male friends at your age that you can hang out with but as friends, like your girlfriends, not as a dating steady couple with possible romance tossed in. Yes, I'd have to say at your age, its a bit early yet.
However, as I said, there should be no reason you can't invite your male friend over. Just make sure neither of you call each other bf/gf in front of your parents. I gave my daughters this option. If a guy really liked them and wanted to start seeing them as a gf I said he was invited to come to our house as long as one of us parents were home. You may be a good girl dear. I had all girls. But boys at that age can get carried away and not know how to stop themselves and you end up a pregnant teen, even if right now you are not even kissing or anything. So the requirement were that their bedroom door had to stay open. My daughters were okay with that. This gives the parents a chance to get to know the guy and if he treats the parents as well and friendly as he treats their daughter, he will earn points with them.
My daughters invited boys over. None ever took them up on it. Because they were not as interested in them as a person as they were in finding a girl to eventually have sex with and maybe slowly work their way up to it. I am not saying all guys are like that, even some good guys make that mistake but most are. You wont' believe me now but when you are much older, you will realize its true.

If I were you, I'd have talk with my parents. Let them know you have a friend you'd like to invite over to hang out with you. THen tell them the friend is a male friend. Do not use the word boy or boyfriend as that will immediately put the thought in their head of a boy dating their daughter. Whether they are open minded or not, this is the best way to ask. They may say no. Remain calm, don't protest, act like the young adult in training that you are. If they say no, you say, I'd like to appeal that and don't wait as they may say no again. I have lacked info that would've changed my mind as a Mom. When the daughters calmly told me after I'D said no to something, with the extra info, I repealed my previous answer and said yes.

Whether to explain or reassure them even if they said yes, you tell them that you would only bring a male friend home if one of them were there and if they wanted your bedroom door to stay open, that's okay with you.
Yeah, I know, you may not like that idea but you have to take things slowly with the parents...and i am a parent telling you this. So even if you are not happy with that situation, it is one step closer to getting to where you want to be.

I know of a girl whose parents allowed her boyfriend to come over when they were home. He didn't act awkward around them or ignore them, he was polite, would hold conversations with them. All the things your guy would need to be able to do to reassure them he's the kind of guy they can trust. I don't mean putting on an act for them. I know my girlfriends could talk to my parents briefly if they asked her how she was. They began to think of one of them as another daughter. I was the same with my girls besties who were over the most and they were all good people I knew I could trust. A parent doesnt want their child hanging with anyone who has tendencies to get in trouble in might drag their child along.
In the story of the girls whose parents got to know her boyfriend, and they called him a bf, they were more open minded, after a year or two of accepting him like one of the family, they allowed them to go out on real dates away from home because they trusted the guy and shortly after that when the daughter confided they wanted to start having sex, the parents were actually okay with it and got her protection. No, thats not your average parent, getting to that point. However a thing to point out is that this is a good way to get used to talking to a guy and getting to understand how guys are different in how they think, reason and such. In real life girl, these are important things for any female to know no matter how old she is. There are 20 and 30 something women who never learned this and as a result, are still having troubles with guys and understanding them. Also, for any mature adults who want to have a relationship together, there are two parts to any such relationship. Unfortunately most couples have only one or the other, not both. Both are being each others best friend and second each others sexual equal. The friendship is very important and that is something you can work on now. The sex part can come later. Couples who have the best sex partner but are not friends, only enjoy that time in bed together but are fighting and treat each other like crap the rest of the time which is most the time. The other is couples where they are the best of friends and love each other dearly as friends, but are way too different in their sexual likes or even lacking chemistry so they can't arouse each other. And they don't want to part becuase they love as friends but are not fulfilled sexually and both may go have affairs and hurt their partner.

I say all that so you know why it is so important to start as friends and that is one thing that no parent should have trouble with, you staying at the friendship level for now. If you must have a kiss from him, do so somewhere at school, otherwise try what I have shared as no reasonable parent should have any problem with it.

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I am 13 (girl) and overweight. Am I too young to worry about my weight? I have heard many different answers and have tried many different ways to lose weight but I’m in my first year of high school and don’t have much time to work out everyday. Any tips?

There are 3 basic body types, one where the person has a high metabolism naturally and requires the least amount of exercise to stay healthy. Then there is one that falls in the middle, this is the more average body type you see and they require more exercise than the first to keep off weight even if they watch what they eat. Lastly is the body type that no matter what you do and what you eat, requires the most exercise of all types. This is explained well in Ayurvedic medicine which is a lifestyle that comes from India. They have figured out ways to discover what your body type is and what are the best foods for your type. For example, my body type doesn't do well on chocolate. I learned that before I even read it. The fats made me break out in pimples/clogged pores or I would get real gassy. What is best for you best not be the best for someone else. Here is a link to on line test,below the video to discover your body type. Otherwise, things you try that help friends lose weight may not work on you.

https://lifespa.com/ayurvedic-health-quizzes/body-type-quiz/

You can look up search for best exercises for 'and list your body type as well as best foods for ...

Walking is always good. Doing some yoga can help stretch and prepare your muscles first so they are better able to handle any kind of work out. If you need something more active like jumping jacks, maybe jump roping would help. Or a good way to go is any kind of dance exercise class. I took a dancerise class in my early twenties, twice a week with a friend. It was too much exercise for my body type and I lost weight I didn't need to lose and ended up under 100 lbs. It scared me, I quit and chosen to do less vigorous exercise. Theres days, Jamba day is very popular. It is very upbeat and vigorous. It would be hard to keep up while starting. If theres a computer at home, look up jamba dance videos and try to follow along for exercise. Once you have your stamina up if it isn't already, you can check your local community for classes which I have found held at the local pool. We'd get booklets in the mail for each season listing classes. Some taught ballroom dance, some were not excercise related at all or the local community college can offer classes like that. I went with mom once to learn some basic spanish when I was an older child, at a night class at community college. Its easiser to keep to a routine if you go to a class than to do it at home. That is why I go to a gym. WHen I am there, I can't say, oh, I'll do it tomorrow and watch something on tv instead. Good luck

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I’m 13 and over weight and was trying to find away for me to eat more fruit and less unhealthy snacks and I thought I would try smoothies but I was wondering if having too many smoothies would be bad. I was thinking because I’m in high school I could quickly make a smoothie for breakfast and take it with me and then maybe another one after school? Is that too many? Should I have more? I’ll make another question about possible recipes.

Smoothies are very good for you. You can choose specific ingrediants to make them even better. AT Health food stores you can find nutritive powders that can add lots to it. For example, there are all sorts of protein powders to provide protein with all those fruits and veggies. You can also add in one smoothie each day, spirulina powder...that provides all your amino acids I believe it is. I have also put yogurt in with fruits to add dairy to my smoothies. I especially used more smoothies during hot weather when it was too hot to cook in kitchen and salads as well. Some smoothies can even have avocado in it. It has very little flavor of it's own, is creamy texture and will blend well with soft fruits like banana and strawberries. You can put in pears if they are soft enough as well as any other fruit that is really soft when ripe like Kiwi, peaches, nectarines. If you have a very strong blender, there should be no problem. I eventually bought one of those high powered ones sold at the fairs, but you can look for better made but expensive ones on line. You'd have to convince the parents to invest in it though. As well as smoothies, using a juicer is also healthy. It though takes out the pulp and leaves only juice so you lose fiber which your body needs. Overall, even juicers are healthier than the snacks most Americans eat. If you are wondering if a smoothie can replace a meal like breakfast or lunch, yes it can. In fact, in other countries, there is no such thing as extra sugary breakfasts like sugared cereal, donuts or pop tarts. Some fruit and yogurt is a typical breakfast in many other countries. I just read something on Facebook with a list of what they eat. Yes, eggs too, but you can buy powdered egg protein to put in your smoothies. It would still be a good idea to eat a well balanced dinner each day. If you do two a day, that's okay but it is even better to be taking a multi vitamin daily as well. When we are your age and still developing and again older adults like at my age, its important to add vitamins to our daily intake.

theres plenty of creative recipes on line for smoothies. I put 'smoothie ideas' for search and got tons of hits. Heres just one on breakfast smoothies:

https://www.fitnessmagazine.com/recipes/drink/smoothie/healthy-breakfast-smoothies/

Good luck and enjoy those smoothies

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Is this at all normal?

Every single time, after masturbation, when I stand up to go do whatever I'm doing next, I feel really lightheaded and get a head rush (like my vision starts to go black). Usually it's not too bad, just makes me a little bit unsteady for a few seconds. Sometimes it's worse and my vision totally goes and I have to hold onto something for a second until I can see again.

But yesterday I had an even worse experience. So, immediately after masturbation, I got just a little lightheaded, walked around a bit, got a snack, whatever. I laid down on my bed after to do a bit of homework. About five minutes later, I had to get up to grab my laptop charger. I walked out to the living room, feeling slightly lightheaded, and asked my housemate if she would move so I could grab the cord (it was behind her). My vision started going dark very quickly and I had to sit down because I was in the middle of the floor with nothing to hold onto. I was shaking and dizzy and couldn't see at all. I don't know how long I was down there, because the next thing I knew I was staring up at her as my vision cleared and she was asking if I wanted her to grab the cord for me.

It was pretty terrifying. It shouldn't be a blood pressure issue, because I've had my blood pressure taken a couple times in the past few months. I really don't want to have to go to my doctor, but I'm a little concerned.

I know people on this site aren't medical experts, but maybe somebody has some advice?

True we aren't medical experts. But to hear from others who may have experienced something like this, can possibly give you some comfort if nothing, or know what to do next if more serious.

It says you are female. I am too. So I can share that sometimes a female can definitely be affected by the strength of an orgasm whether masturbation or with a partner. It is not unreasonable , and normal for women to briefly find they can not move their body, this still while in bed, I can't move arms or legs for maybe up to a minute but it also doesnt happen every time, just when its been a long strong one or a lot of consecutive orgasms. I also call it having noodle legs, you feel like you are lacking bones. I have even gotten up to walk to the bathroom on the few occasions of going for hours intensively and when I get up too fast, I am walking like a drunk person, weaving and banging into the hallway walls. However, I have never blacked out partially or totally.

SOmetimes, people can get lightheaded with sick with a flu. That lightheaded ness I've had in past where I feel like I might faint, is always preceded by a warning where the color starts to bleed out of everything I am looking at, duller to greys and I immediately sit down and hang me head down to get the blood flow back to me head. That is usually what the issue is when we start to feel like blacking out, its a lack of blood to the head, or it can be a fear or something stressful that sets it off. Heres my own example, back when I was a kid in school, they had a nurse come and administer vaccination updates there. My parents gave permission and I was in line waiting my turn. I was fearful because instead of a regular shot, this one would be administered by a machine the nurse ran instead. I was afraid it might hurt worse, and being so scared got the adrenaline going. Once I calmed myself, the body may have tried to overcompensate for the adrenaline thereby the blood not pumping as well and my vision going grey. I remember immediately slidng down to lean against the wall I stood by and hang my head down til it cleared. But I can number these possible black outs in my life on one hand if not two. If it is occuring more often, I would be concerned too.
In males, the blood rushes to a certain part of their anatomy and that is what makes them hard and stiff. Females have a different way the blood rushing to their genitals but it does. There is tissue at the womans G-spot that will feel wrinkled like a prune to you when not aroused. Once you have worked it a while or during sex with a guy, this area will have blood pumping into it to make it swell, It won't feel pruny at this point anymore. On the outside, the rush of blood can make a ridge stand out leading up to the clit. Nothing really to see but you can feel it with your fingers. It might not seem like as much blood there as with a male, but keep in mind that most men do not experience consecutive orgasms as a female can. As long as she is still receiving stimulation, she can go from orgasm to orgasm without any time inbetween for the blood flow to return to normal. So yes, women can experience something too like loss of strength until the blood has had a chance to start flowing like normal. I am sharing what's normal first so when I tell you that you may want to see a gynecologist, you understand why. I don't believe this is normal, but you may be one of very few people with this fainting/blacking out condition because if it is a known condition by doctors, it has to be pretty rare. Thats why you need to talk to a doctor, preferably one who deals with female genital related conditions, like a gynecologist. Your regular doctor would have to see you first, but they aren't always right. Mine thought I had pink eye but it was much worse so the meds he gave didn't help. When I went to emergency cus it was a holiday and I was scared besides miserable, I was referred to a specialist by the hospital and I was right, what I found on line, "Blepharitis' is exactly what I had.

So if your regular doctor doesn't know or you feel like he is guessing, you could tell him it would give you more peace of mind to just see a specialist and ask for a referral to a gynecologist. I know plenty of people with normal blood pressure who have had heart or circulation issues what were'nt discovered until something serious happened or by accident. A woman in her early 60s recently had a chest xray for something unrelated but a doctor caught something on there he had another doctor look at. She had a congenital heart condition. She'd had it all her life and it never caused any problems. Now due to her age and not being very healthy due to other illnesses and not taking good care of herself, she is facing open heart surgery in a few weeks. Of two twin teens at a church I used to attend, one twin found his sibling dead in bed the following morning. The parents shared in church that an autopsy showed it was a congenital heart condition. Both boys were in athelethics and had no problems prior and were in good health from their regular checkups.
I know of a circulation related disease that isn't serious but good to let your Doctors know about anytime there is need to take a prescription or you have a new doctor. It is called Raynauds disease where smaller arteries that supply blood to your skin narrow, limiting blood circulation to affected areas. I am sure there are plenty enough circution disorders or diseases that could possibly be connected to the blacking out, losing sight thing you suffer from. If it really wasnt serious but you had to take a medicine the rest of your life to prevent problems, wouldn't you want to know. If it was not related at all to your black outing or losing sight, your doctor would want to do more tests on you to discover what it is. What if it is an eye related disorder that in itself isn't noticeable until some things change like having orgasms. I can't say there is any connection but losing sight or having balance issues walking still after 5 minutes is no longer a normal response to orgasm. If you are a rare one in a million for whom this is just another normal and not serious, it would be good to learn that too and at least you will know that you have to find ways to work around it and be as cautious as you can be. So, go see your doctor. I think its important enough cus the orgasms may be the only trigger at this point in your life of a more serious condition that may not give off any more obvious hints of its existence. Finding out earlier may be better if a medication or procedure and can the problem now rather than wait and let it evolve into something much later that might no longer be able to be treated , or relieved as well. Good luck.

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Hi! I'm from Australia, but I'm not a native speaker (moved here some time ago), so pardon my English.

I have a small music studio, and I want to label all the cables in it. Is there a way I can do that without spending much money?

Thanks

If you are talking about putting some kind of tag on each where you can write on it, I did this with each new CHristmas ornament we got each year to represent something that happened, or important that past year. I used a slip of paper I wrote the year on. Folding it over the string the came with it to hang it with. Then I put clear tape over that paper on both sides. With long enough strips to over each cord, you could do this. If you don't like the idea of how it would look, I suppose you could try an office supply store and tell them what you are looking for and maybe there may be snazzier looking labels you can buy to attach to each cable.

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Hi, we dated for 5 months but known each other for 1 and a half year. Good friends before we dated but he broke up with me saying too stressed with all the things been going on. NOW, when he broke up I asked him so we’re finishing everything then, he replied, no, we’ll stay friends. We’re still in touch. He visits me in my house every once a week but not like before everyday but yes he visits me. When he leaves he says bye, love you and kiss on the lips. We still message how’re you and how’s the day been going, not much though but hi and hello. So, my question is we broke up but why does he still wants to stay friends??? He’s a good boy. We’re both in our early 30’s. Mind you, he’s not a player but a single father.

So in a year and a half, I would think that is long enough to build a level of trust in each other as friends. In a dating relationship is it just as important if not more so. If the two are a good match, then whenever the storms of life come ones way, instead of using the storm as the excuse for leaving or ignoring a relationsip, the two, lean more on each other for support. The storms of life, instead of making two people break apart can actually make them bond even closer. Its a matter of choice. If the two are a good match, then its not choice of person but choice of heart and mind to trust the other to bare their heart and share how they are feeling and accept whatever the friend or mate can do that will actually help them relieve some stress. Sometimes just a listening ear and supportive words are all thats needed. I don't know if you have done that or not but its a two way thing and he would have to be willing to accept that from you.
If it's not a matter of him trusting you enough to bare himself before you without fearing you seeing him as anything less, then it may be something else, something just as bad.
It could be possible his character is one that believes a person should be self sufficient, never rely on others during a hard time of stress because maybe that shows a weakness. Maybe their is some kind of emotional thing from his upbringing. Either way, unless he can decide he wants to learn to improve himself as a potential bf or possible future husband, he will probably never have a long term steady health relationship with anyone.
If he was just friends prior, then started dating the 5 months to see if you could be more than friends and then decided he was wrong, it felt wrong and he actually only thinks of you as a female friend, then you won't know unless you ask. He may be afraid to share this and has made up the story of stress instead to not date but s till see you and give pet names and kisses in greeting. I have had male friends close enough to get an actual peck on the lips, but not a real romantic kiss. Some people are comfortable with this no matter who it is so how do you tell from a kiss like that if he still has deep feelings for you or only wants to be friends forever? Basically, you don't. You can have a pretty good idea but its not 100% for sure if you had to bet your life on it. Try to get him to share what is really stressing him. Maybe on a different day, try to ask him since he and you have stopped dating and seem to be either on hold or just back to friends, you need to know which it is. You don't want to snap up the first guy who comes along and wants to date you who seems as great as him if he really wants to be with you. He should be able to commit to something, either ask you to wait a while for him or say its just friends, to which you can reply, "well, at least we tried it." Then accept it or if being a friend after being dating partners makes you feel too awkward and you can't get beyond that, then let him know thats the case and end any associating with him. And that includes once a week meeting you, or texting, phoning...all of it.
If asked to wait for him until he gets through all the things that are stressing him right now and You have no idea what these are, ask him to share it with you. As his friend or girlfriend, that's something one shares instead of playing 'remote island' with you. If you are okay with him closing himself off like this, then give ask him to give a time limit of how long he wants you to wait, before the two of you date again. If he says he doesn't know. You start asking, if another guy came along interested in me, I want to know if you want me to wait a month, 2 months, 6 months or whatever for you. I don't want to be waiting for you to get through whatever is stressing you and be ready to date again, and instead of waiting, I start dating someone else. So I need to know how long you feel its reasonable to have me wait for you before you plan to come back to me. I will promise to stick with it but if you go over that agreed wait time and you still haven't found a way to let your stresses bond you closer with me rather than take you away, I will have to regretfully look for someone else to date. He may not appreciate me having a close male friend I see so often. (having a male friend you see once a week if you're in a committed relationship with another does come over as a bit too much unless you both both to the same weekly club or library book review club, something like that. If you check up on each other once a month in a phone call while dating or married, that's not unreasonable. Jealous of him no matter what means your new guy lacks self confidence and sees any male as a threat and these are not good guys to date. So if you need to know why he wants to stay friends, you need to get him to talk and share it all with you. Don't accept any non answer as an answer, just question them. Example, He answers, "I just need to get past some things and then I'll decide." You can ask two questions to his non answer like "What exactly do you need to get past and what is it you feel you need to decide." So many women write in asking if I know why a guy said something." I don't know the guy, or whats in his mind or heart. And I can't tell from just hearing your story. If you can't bring yourself to ask him, then you are not as comfortable with him as you thought. YOu missed a chance to get some info on whether you'd remain friends indefinitely or whether there was hope in sight for the two of you becoming a couple again. You need the info to determine what your next move will be. If there's no chance you'll date again, and it feels too awkward being around him cus of the memories, then you have something you need to decide, No matter what, there are decisions you can make, or plans for your future you can keep in mind but you can't until you know more.

You asked, "so we’re finishing everything then?" At his answer 'No, we'll stay friends." This was your chance to learn more but you didn't ask. If you simply were too stunned to think of it at the time, but now you're wondering, no matter how long after, you can always say you just thought back to when he said that and you never asked then, but now want to know.... and ask away.
I would have suggested asking, "Do you see this friendship as a temporary thing and we get back together, or is it permanent? " He would have had to give it some thought if he hadn't yet and give you what he believed his answer should be, based on what ever thoughts lead him to not confide in you and use stress as an excuse to get out of a relationship. Maybe he decided he didn't want you as a girlfriend and was so scared of you reacting badly so a breakup that he softened it with saying you should stay friends. If you met a new guy who had an ex girlfriend platonic friend he saw regularly, would that sit okay with you? Not in the beginning if ever. Most women tend to be territorial and will not accept another woman having a close friendship with their bf or husband. There are exceptions to this and I am one. However, what happens if he meets another girl while being your friend and they get close and she is jealous of you b eing his friend/ex girlfriend and demands he not see you anymore... there are guys who will actually do that if that gall is special enough to him he doesn't want to risk losing her if not complying, or if happened with you and a new bf. Theres a chance a future ongoing friendship could be threatened by something like that. My 2nd husband and I have enough stressful situations up to ying yang, and just when one issue is tackled, another problem pops up, not giving us a break to gather our breath. When it's get that bad, and it does, we turn to each other for strength. We realize that the best thing in life that we have is each other. Its a miracle we even found each other. So no matter what the next problem is, losing a job, the car breaking down, etc. . . we at least have each other to go through it together. If nothing else pans out, at least we have each other. HE's told me how another woman would have left him when he lost his job or when we ended up living in our vehicle. No matter what we have to face, we have one thing that money can't buy and few people seem to find, and that is the devoted, unconditional love of a mate. Decide first what you want out of life. Do you want to remain unmarried your whole life and just have a string of successive dating relationships with guys cus you don't want to really live with them but you also don't want to live without them in your life to some extent. If you are the type who is ready to start looking for the guy to grow old with, then you have to decide exactly what qualities you are looking for and get to know a guy well enough to know if he meets them or not. and be honest from the start that you are not yet promising together but in the state of hunting for the guy you can settle down with and need to know if that's what he wants too. My 2nd husband was actively looking for a mate when he met me. It didn't take him but a week to know already that I was the one for him. I was looking for the same.
OH, and you did mention he's a single father. I assume he has custody and the mother left or died, whether he was married to her or not. I understand being a single parent of a child in itself can be stressful. If he finds someone to love, they can to have a love in their heart for any children from a previous relationship/marriage and talking about not the one with visitations but is the main or only parent in the childs life. That means whoever he meets, if he ever wants to go further than dating, has to find a woman who loves them both, loves the child as if it was her own because in a marriage, the child would also become her own. Maybe he struggles with being a dad and also dating and has issues himself internally. I dont know what he's thinking. But if he loved the mother of the child and the woman died in an accident or from a disease, he may not be over her yet, be need the closeness of a friend and he naturally gravitates to females for friends. I naturally gravitate toward men even just for conversation. Same with husband who prefers conversation with females. He may still be missing a previous partner and has no one he dares confide that in, especially you. Guys make choices based on what the typical female usually does, says or how she reacts to things. He may not feel you'd take too kindly to him talking about how hard it is missing her still or if it was the opposite and there were problems and fighting, to be willing to share that with you. My husband has an ex, just like me, He's heard all my stories of the verbal abuse I endured I've heard of all the neurotic issues his ex wife has and she seems to be getting worse. I can see by some of the things she'd text me or say to him. I don't get upset when he tells me anything about his ex wife. That's who he chose when he was younger and didn't know any better. Same for me. But I am the one he's chosen now to be with til the end of our lives. Some of the crazy stuff she says is very stressful. Even if He and I its not true of him or even of me when I am attacked, if we are still emotionally okay with ourselves and don't take it to heart, we once had relationships with those people. It's possible to worry and be concerned with their welfare even if no longer in love with them. I hope you can find this in life if not with this friend you mentioned, maybe someone new.

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theres this chic at my job, anyway she is a female as am i. ive always thought she was gay, she doesn't come off as straight 2 me..now I don't speak 2 anyone here...but she will make a special effort 2 make convo with me and if Im lookin at something on my comp, she'll come by me closely and just be cheesin and griinnin, sometimes she'll touch my arm....or try and play hit me...and shell say what are you lookin at in this weird playful voice....or she'll peek around the corner while im at my desk and say hi....one day she said u should be my cute desk partner..i said eww...btw she has a desk buddy female who sits with here but she isn't that way towards her at all...but they are "friends"

she is always extra happy 2 be around me....ive told her to stop and I don't like girls and shell just smile and walk away, she seems like the person who wants what she wants and wont give up till she gets it...she only says good morning to me and no one else, while she does have friends at work/hangs with them, shes extra friendly towards me, she even went as far as to buy me a gift for my bday I told her no thanks but she insisted I keep it...I think she is gay and has a huge crush on me. and wants my goodies not my friendship..now, ive been hit on women before and ive been threatened by them too cuz I don't deal/like with chics....this woman's happiness is over extended around me, she loves standing near me, but she'll stay apart from the other chics at my job...and she isn't playful with my other coworkers....

one day i had a picture on my computer with intertwined cherries, in the shape of a heart, well here comes freak, n she stood right next to me just smilin and says ummm those look good while staring at me....while ive been hit on and bluntly approached by women, I am not gay by any means, but some people think if a woman hits on another woman then that makes the woman being hit on gay, I find that untrue....u? ....is there a way I can stop this...should I say something, or just leave it alone and accept the fact that women find me attractive and there's nothing I can do about it but accept it....? I know if I tell my boss, he'll just say she just wants to be your friend and she'll deny doing anything at all....thanks for any advice

I remember reading a story like this on here a couple times some months ago. Unless you're the same person, this seems to be becoming an epidemic.

We now live in a world where ones variance from the previously touted norm of one man and one woman preferring only each other not to mention gender differences, make the situation very confusing for younger generations. I know lots of older people may feel really confused or believe it all has to be an abomination to God or what, but I used to attend church and I used to do swinging and in that venue met people of all sorts.

I remember dancing with husband or another guy and they left before end of song and a woman approached and started dancing really close, finally grinding up against me. We;d traded names and that was all we'd said when she started acting like I was a bi or gay woman. So I immediately said, Thanks for the compliment of being interested in me, but I don't roll that way. I am definitely hetero. She acted so surprised I knew it had to genuine. She said, the way I look and the way I moved, it looked like I was gay or bi. No one can actually describe what that look is, but when you have it, you will get this all your life. I remember talking to a guy who lamented that he was not gay or bi and had men hitting on him all the time, not just at the club. He was getting tired of having to tell them sorry he was into women only. But mind you, with him, and with me and two more experiences of women inquiring if I was gay or bi, Not a one ever repeated or continued to flirt with me or that guy. For him it was also always some one new.

I mentioned this because you may have that look or carry yourself in a way that makes you a target for those of differing sexual preferences. And also to show you that all the people i know of who have flirted with someone or approached someone who was not gay or bi, once informed, they never repeated.

I can't say why she constantly rubs it in your face. I am sure she understands that sex with you is never going to happen. Any person in their right mind is not going to continue trying to achieve that. That's like trying to get blood from turnips...not going to happen ever!
So if she's still doing this, it is more likely because she gets some kind of pay off from it. Maybe she is one of the few gay people who love to rub it in the faces of people who aren't, especially those who come across as extremely uncomfortable on the subject and don't know any gay people and don't want to know. Or they come across as sexually too prim and proper or uptight on anything of a sexual nature. NOt saying thats the case, just how you might come across, and that would be irrisistible to a person who loves to tease way beyond whats fair to the point it feels like harrassment.

You are probably right that the boss won't see anything wrong. YOu may be doing something subtle that you dont even realize. Maybe not but its worth bringing up if it helps your situation. SO, maybe you don't associate or make small talk with anyone in the office. But if you at all, smile and greet other females by name before digging into your work but you don't do the same to this woman, she may see it as you feeling uncomfortable around her.
My attitude is that gay or bi people are just people like me with the same hopes and dreams, emotions. The one and only thing that may be different is their sexual preference. It doesn't stop me from liking them as a person. You may be saying and doing all the right things, but a big part of communication is not verbal, it's body language, facial expressions. Maybe she sees you looking up tight. I don't see anywhere where you can say she openly asked you to go out on a date with her or asked if you were gay. You said something first because of how she was treating you. I would have ignored it all and played 'stupid' to not picking up on the cues. That way there would be no words or actions from me that might tempt a person to poke fun at me but pretending to pursue me, even if not all that interested. So one thing you could do is act more like an office friend.
Once you seem less resistant to her, and she doesn't see you getting 'your feathers ruffled' so easily by her and her attention, then it will no longer be any fun to her if she's doing this to be obnoxious now. That's the pay off, she might think you're hot but knows that a romantic relationship is not going to happen but she continues on simply because she gets a kick out of your reaction. If I am right, she'll probably stop harassing and picking you out over everyone else once you treat her differently.

I know there are plenty of us who do not wish to be close friends with those we work with. Its almost like family. You get stuck with the parents and siblings you get, even though they may really differ from you so much you can't stand being around them for long. I can relate to that with my family and even to a degree with my own kids. Well, what you get in co-workers just comes with the job, you're kinda stuck with them too and have to make things work out so there is some semblence of peace, however tenuous it is. You may not want to be close buddies with her but if you've ever sat with other coworkers at lunch, be willing to sit with her at lunch. Maybe even ask her, of if going to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee or tea, ask her if you can refresh her mug since you're headed that way. May not be possible but just trying to give you ideas.
"
You mentioned hearing this: "some people think if a woman hits on another woman then that makes the woman being hit on gay" I have never heard that in my life. I can only assume that somehow you are associating with people who either feel very uncomfortable around gay people, think its wrong, or just are very ignorant on the matter as they've not taken the time to learn. Could it be parents, your own friends, a church? You have to decide for yourself how you are going to treat people, even those who pester you. I'll bet it's body language she's picking up on. Your conscious mind might be at peace with the fact that gay and bi people can be anywhere in society, just like us, so more and more, we end up working with them, they are our neighbors, the clerk at our grocery, the barista's at our coffee shop. I used the last because two for sure were gay at the coffee shop I go to. They both have moved on to better jobs. I liked their humor and personalities. The gay female worker had her partner show up. It was close to closing and her partner was there to give her a ride home. She introduced us to her partner, same as a female might introduce her boyfriend or husband to an acquaintance or friend. I simply shook hands and said it was good to meet her, and shared a sentence or two with her. I knew they were going to move for her job and asked if they'd found a place. Showing the same kind of politeness and general interest I would show anyone. I know she started this all by laying on the flirting heavy. I think your reaction truly is what eggs her on. you are going to have to learn how to befreind coworkers you suspect of being gay without fearing they might think you interested in them sexually.

I find lots of younger people over reacting, not able to have friends of the same sex because they are always wondering if their friend is hitting on them. It wasn't like that when I was a kid. There was only one couple of girls who were a couple and one of them was a friend of mine. She was not interested in me other than just a friend and the same for me. I think people have forgotten how to feel oomfortable around people who are not hetero like them. They freak out wondering what they will have to say or do if flirted with. Heck I've been flirted with as an adult. As a teen growing up, I had girlfriends I could act close with, we could hug, snuggle, tease each other practicing flirting with boys on each other. One close friend and I even compared how our developing breasts looked in the privacy of her room. It was not a sexual thing. I've had a couple of bi women in the past for friends. If you're the same person who has written before and I suspect you are, then you know that ignoring her or what ever you are doing is not working.
NOw as to the entertwined cherries, I will pretend the remark of 'Those look good' while looking at me with something like, "Or are cherries your favorite fruit? Mine is Pears." I might even bring some cherries to work for lunch and bring extra and go hand her a baggie of them saying, "Since you like cherries, a treat for you" and place them on her desk. When any coworker mentioned things they liked, if it wasn't a big cost and I came across something simple they liked, I would sometimes bring it in to work. Your choice of words in describing her "here comes freak" tell me that your attitude is showing, a bit too much. I have a feeling that fate is going to continue to toss gay people into your life where ever you go until you learn your life lesson you need to learn. I can't tell you what it is, but it may just be something like learning to treat them just like everyone else and do not react to anything they say, do or any flirt as if you pick up on it as a flirt. There is nothing else anyone here can say. You're probably the one who has written in before. Not as many of us are actively answering on here as much as I and a few others. So writing us again is going to get you the same answers. If you write again, I will not repeat myself. Either run from it and look for another job where you are bound to meet more gay people, or give up and decide to learn to treat them as any normal person. Gayness has been around, a part of life for a long long time. It was just hidden in the past, except for farmers. Those raising sheep for example, I've read of farmers watching to see which male sheep went to try to mate with other male sheep. This was their way to choose which sheep to try to use to create more sheep and which ones to use for its meat. One wouldn't want to kill all the male sheep that are hetero to use for their meat, selling to market for that and having gay male sheep left that will not increase your herd. I am not remotely saying that gay people are not important or should be excuted. this is only an example to show that the fact of being gay, is even something that occurs with animals in nature. It isn't a new fad or something a person can change about themselves. Its not an educated humans choice to be that way. Animals do have the reasoning we do and yet there are gay creatures in the animal world as well. Time to get used to it. Accept it. Stop thinking that any friendly gesture is someone hitting on you. Yes, you may have the look but thats not whats keeping this one gal from bothering you. She is messing with you because in your heart and in your mind, somewhere deep down or subconscious, you are not comfortable with gay people. You don't have to be best friends with them but just treat as a coworker friend. An office can't run well if the workers all hate each other, are scared of each other or ignore each other.
Think about what I've said, and try to see if there isn't something you're doing that isn't causing her to mess with you like this. I'd be curious to hear what you come up with. Or let me know if its due to hearing anti gay stuff at church or if thats how you believe yourself. Its not my job to tell you what to believe but I can help you know how to navigate life to best way possible for you. Obviously, you're having a little trouble here. I can understand if you hear it preached at church or grew up hearing it from your parents and believe they are freaky people. There are still people who hate others for the color of their skin. However, there are laws to protect them from being picked on and that applies to gay people too. I knew a guy online who was a pastor who was not gay but was pastor of a church that accepted both gay and non gay people. That way, their supportive family or friends could be present for worship at the same place. If this is what you truly are struggling with, quit sharing the same story and be truthful with me and let me know what the real problem is. I won't try to change you. I don't know you and you don't know me and its anonymous on here anyways. Just be honest and maybe I can then determine what the real problem is and give helpful tips on what you can do to learn how to deal with this issue. It's not going to go away, so you will have to learn how to respond to it, and by that I don't mean change how you believe to accept it if you don't like the fact that such a thing as gay people exist.

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So i have been breaking out into boils and my doctor says its an allergic reaction and then my mom told me last night that my dad was allergic to tide Laundry soap and it broke him out into boils. My dad died when i was 12 so i cant confirm the allergy with my dad , but my mom would most likely know . I am a 29 year old female and live with my aunt and my aunt buys tide Laundry soap . The thing is even when i wash my clothes with a different detergent i still break out when she uses the tide for the towels. What i do ? I dont want to ask her not to buy the tide anymore ! I dont want to be rude. How do i handle this? Help!

Wow, thats some reaction. I am actually surprised I haven't come across more such stories.
Over the years, laundry detergent has become more and more heavily perfumed. I can't stand walking down the soap and detergent aisle at the grocery any more as it gives me an instant headache. I have smelled people walking by and recognize it as a laundry soap but it smells like they upended an entire bottle of perfume over themselves. They just reek. You may not be aware since you are around the smell but I don't use anything but the natural health versions of laundry soap and personal care products. I haven't used that kind of soap in so long that now I can tell how strong it is. No wonder you are having allergic reactions. there is no reason to be embarrassed that you are allergic to it. Buy your own set of towels and buy your own laundry soap. Do your own laundry with a healthier health brand like Seventh Generation. I have been seeing their products start showing up a little in groceries and department stores. I'm on the west coast so I am sure they started on the other coast and are well available. If not, I am sure you can order on line. Here is a link to their page on laundry soap on line:

https://www.seventhgeneration.com/laundry-soap

There are some horror stories out there about what is in our soaps, personal care products, our food, our water. Its no wonder so many more people are having more allergies of all kinds than ever before. My brother was born with allergy to peanuts. No wonder else in family had any allergies at all...NONE. Now, all my siblings have allergies,I have some, my children all have allergies, and I can't think of a friend who does not have an allergy to some kind substance or food. We live in a very toxic world. That's just how it is. All we can do is each one of us make the best decisions for ourselves on what we use that comes into contact with our skin and what we eat and drink. There are reasons people all are talking about GMOS and going Organic instead. You'd have to have been on another planet by now to not have heard stuff about that. Sure some of it might be hype but I know what things were like 50 years age when I was an older child. Things have definitely gotten worse. SO far, not hearing as much about whats in our detergents that is bad for us. I have heard a little but not much of it is published as well as all the stuff on Monsanto and it's chemicals. You can bet there's something in your detergent, and that's ALL brands dear, they are all made with the same basics, one of which is something very toxic to humans. Since we all have different genes and susceptabilty to specific health issues, some people like you will react with the boils, while another has a short lasting rash that comes and goes. ANd others seems to have no reaction at all. However scientists have proven there are enough things cleared by the FDA which we use everyday and we're told they are safe but that's only because in tests, nothing died within hours or a day or two of contact or ingestion. There are no long term tests where they wait to see if an ingredient in detergent would be dangerous to humans over 10 yrs, 30 or a lifetime. Now when people complain and there is a trend of people all having allergic reactions or contracting a disease like cancer from long term use of something with toxic ingredients, it's hard to prove but most people can't fight big corporations more into making money.

Seriously, take control of your own health inside and out and start reading and researching for yourself on the subject. Lots we can't avoid, its in our air, water and food. We can cut down by choosing healthier choice foods like organic. With the laundry, that is also something you have control over. All you have to tell Auntie is that you have developed an allergic reaction to regular soaps, its not just tide dear. And let her know you are using an non allergenic one now and doing your own towels as well. If you can't afford new towels of your own right now, check out garage sales or second hand shops. We've done that to add to our supply of towels. Some people decide to change the color scheme of their towels and bath accessories and donate fairly good condition towels.

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I live in northern Kentucky but I'm fine with travelling if it's reimbursed or even just within a few states. I want to do it within the next year or so, but most places I see online require you to be at least 21.

tried a search on line for you. I can't find much. Your best bet might be to talk to the ones who won't take you til 21 and ask them if you haven't already if they know of places that will take you at 18. I know its hard to find considering the subject matter. But you never know. I did that when looking for low cost dentist when I didn't have a job and only a little saving. I had to ask a lot of offices and finally got a referal and name.

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I have lung cancer and i dont know how to tell people and im scared.

I Suppose you mean friends and family because it's no one elses business if you have an illness or disease.

I can't tell you what the best way is to tell them, there is no easy way, no way that will lessen the blow to them. I still remember when my Mom was in the hospital and tests were being done to see what her pains were from. Us kids (adults) showed up to visit and she just said, "I have bad news. The doctors confirmed liver and pancreatic cancer. It felt like my stomach dropped away. THen the adrenaline started going and my heart pounding. There is no way to go slowly or hint around the bush that will make it easier. Once they figure it out themselves or you finally tell them after a long delay and hints, the final news will hit the same as if you told them right away and to the point.

The sooner they know, the sooner they can rally around you and be supportive. You are going to need that. Yes, Cancer is a disease that is scary as so many die from it. However a will to live does help immensely. My mother did the usually chemo and such and though told she had 6 months to live, she lived almost 6 more years. She may have lived even longer if alternative treatments were available then. The family should be discussing what plan of attack you will take. Its up to you in the end what you will try.

I will say this, chemo and radiation is not selective, meaning it can't target just cancer cells, so all your good healthy cells are killed as well. That is what ends up killing the person faster than the cancer can. It fried my moms brain cells so she couldn't do things for herself, couldn't walk couldn't cook or do all things you do for yourself every day, it was like she was in a semi coma, staring ahead, not focusing on you, able to hear you but unable to respond, so we'd touch her face and announce ourselves and talk and when days had gone by, she had a good day where she was able to talk for a few hours and she would go back to the convo from days ago to now give her response. IT was a sad thing to see her in such a state. Cancers one thing but living like a partially comatose patient is an added, unnecessary condition brought on due to chemo. On the other hand, people with cancer just starting, not wide spread and in excellent health have recovered from treatment of cancer by chemo. I know a few personally. But I know many more who die from it. My husbands mom had cancer that came and went depending on the alternative treatments she recieved which were not available or ok'd in the US yet. Now they are. I have not researched what all they are but a place like natural holistic cancer centers do exist. I looked on line and found one in AZ

https://natureworksbest.com/

There may be ones in your area or closer but you and family will have to do the researching and find one ASAP. What i like is that people with stage 1 thru 4 are now in remission using these natural methods and 85% success rate is listed. Thats more of a fighting change than killing all your healthy cells will do the traditional treatment way. However that is totally up to you.

If you'd like to look into one more natural way to treat cancer which may work for you, it involved taking cannabis (marijuana) treatments. Heres a link to show how it helped cure rather than be used to help with side effects of chemo. In it is link to the Rick Simpson story. He was cured and many he told of it, were cured when using it. HOwever he made it himself in an area where the law did not allow you to do it. If you choose to try this, I'd recommend doing so under the care of a naturopathic doctor trained to treat cancer by natural means. heres that link:

https://cbdschool.com/does-cannabis-cure-cancer-a-doctor-s-opinion/

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My boyfriend wont even bring up sex around me. He get awkward when i talk about my period and im kinda a slut.

If you are only talking about him not wanting to talk about your period, some guys are okay talking about it and some husbands will even have sex while the wife has her period. Others are way too squeamish and to them it is a personal woman's hygiene matter. There is nothing wrong with that. So if he is like that, don't try to change him and he will feel uncomfortable and at some point, if negative feelings continue to build because you make him feel uncomfortable, there is a chance he might break it off with you rather than just ask you to stop talking about it.

Now on the other hand, there are some basics of communication between two people that need to happen regarding having sex if you plan to do so or are already. People need to discuss STD protection and birth control. A guy needs to know if she is already on birth control, the pill, patch...whatever. And if not, the condom then is the birth control and STD protection. If this is a steady long term sex partner and neither of you has any other lover, then it is a good idea for both to go to a clinic and get checked out for STD's. Once you have the clean bill of health for each, and if you are on birth control, only then is it a good idea to have sex without condoms. I may be preaching to the choir but this is the kind of stuff younger people and teens are too embarrassed to bring up so I cover it anyways.

You may have no trouble discussing it, but that alone doesn't make you a slut.
The next area of discussion not as critical as birth control but important to being able to enjoy sex at its most is ability to share info during sex. For example, if he is stroking, touching in way that isn't doing anything for you, redirect him, do not say I don't like that or it can play havoc with his feeling good about himself. Instead say, lets try something else for fun. When something he does is really good, you say, please keep doing that, don't change how fast or how hard because I really like that. This way his sexual prowess is strengthened in his mind. He also needs to share with you when he likes something. If he isn't forthcoming, just ask if he likes it. Let he know to say something if anything feels sore, like he needs more lube or something hurts him.
If he is still more on the prudish side, then it may be that you too are not the best sexual match. You wouldn't be the only ones to ever experience that. So many marriages split up because they are not both best friends and best sexual matches. They have one or the other but not both which is critical to a successful, rewarding relationship. If over time he doesn't gain confidence in discussing sexual matters, either you decide to be okay with it or if thats not good enough for you, let him know how serious this is to you and not just you but the success of the relationship. Tell him If he doesnt choose to make an effort, then perhaps you are mismatched and need to go your own ways and find someone else.

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is there any way i can make a condom

No. If you've read of what people tried making in history before the creation of todays condoms, it wasn't successful and there was still disease passed on and babies made.

If you are young and have no money to buy your own, there is always someplace somewhere that gives away free condoms. Use the address below to bring up on line app where you put in your zip code and it will let you know where the closest place offering free ones is located. Then you just have to discovered their business hours and actually go there.

http://www.condomfinder.org/find.php

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I have this friend and he used to like me, but as soon as he met my friend he immediately moved on. I told him I was not interested, but I was annoyed and upset with how fast he moved on. That told me he wasn't very interested in me in the first place and it made me feel like he was desperate. Now, I am not interested in my friend in a romantic matter but he got over me pretty quickly. Now, he met my friend I want to say a couple of years ago. Ever since then, he will not stop talking about her. And so I encourage him to talk to her and to hang out with her. The problem is, she is not very responsive and I told him, she is VERY busy. I told him she enjoys his company and has fun with him. He talks about her NON-STOP. He tries messaging her and she does not always get back to him. At times there has been a week or two when she does not reply. I then told him to wait and not to give up. He got back to her, but, still she does not always reply right away. She has had a crappy last relationship and I feel like maybe she isn't ready for a relationship. He is very eager and initiates conversations with her. I do not know how often he has tried to contact her or how many times they have hung out. He also gets upset and he says CONSTANTLY he is going to move on. Then he starts talking about her, loses hope then says again he's moving on. I tell him many things like, if she isn't very responsive and does not get back to you, I do not think she is interested. He thinks she is very sweet and I think she is very kind to everyone. She's very polite and I think she might even have a hard time facing certain situations and does not want to hurt people's feelings. I tried endlessly saying to him, "if someone was pick and choosy with me, I wouldnt put up with it and I'd respect myself to move on like I did" or youve tried and you might want to hint on how you feel. I feel like he either might be beating a dead horse or beating around the bush. He's driving himself crazy about it and he talks about it basically everytime I talk to him, even though I like to follow through to see how my friend is doing.
Any advice? I don't think he is listening to me lol. He might as well figure out the hard way, or if not, maybe she will like him back.
What do you think? Would you say anything else to him? Actions speak louder than words, so if there isn't much response than move on right?

I apologize for grammar errors and thank you for reading.

I'll start with how you felt annoyed when he moved on so easily when you said you weren't interested in dating. I'd like to teach you something to keep in your mind to help you navigate the dating world in the future. People are initially attracted by looks. That doesn't mean they will like or be a perfect fit for someone at a deeper level. You may like some things about them early on, like their smile, how they dress, their sense of humor. But that is not enough to make for a dating relationship. Initially dating if attracted on romantic/sexual level is to get to know the person at an even deeper level to see if you still like them. There has to be chemistry. Two people can be so vastly different, have no bad habits or character faults and yet be wrong for each other. That is one reason a person may not stick with you. The other is not having the initial interest returned. That's chemistry or scientifically the kind of chemistry caused by having pheromones that are enough alike to have that instant bond or desire to want that person. I even need a connection of some sort to enjoy having someone as a friend, not just in a dating or mate
relationship.
I am guessing you're both in your teens or early twenties...a time when we don't have much life experience yet to know how to handle things like this. Not that it needs much handling. It needs more real communicating but I remember that age myself and there was too much angst and not being brave enough to ask the questions that needed to be asked for fear the answer might not be what I want to hear. And that is where this guy is at. He is likely afraid to find out that she isn't as interested in him as he is in her. Too many young girls are so desperate to appear normal to her peers and beleives that being normal means you have a bf that we tend to accept the first guy who asks us to date even if we don't like him as much, thinking maybe he'l grow on us. Wrong move. And thats why there is so much break ups and dating each other for short periods when we are younger. There are exceptions to the rule, always but in general, what I speak of is what happens with most people. No matter how busy a guys life is, if you had a guy who claimed he had feelings for you, you'd want him to respond to you even if it is in short bits on the phone, right? The same goes here for that gal. No matter how busy are tired she is, if she truly is crazy about him, she'd find the time to contact him. So obviously she either doesnt care as much as he does, thinks of him more as a friend than a bf, or she's decided after while she doesnt' like him at all and hasn't had the guts to tell him and break up. Sure his feelings will be hurt but we all recover from these mismatches in dating eventually. Imagine how much worse he'd feel if she led him on for years saying she loved him and then broke up with him as soon as some hot guy that really makes her salivate, starts paying her attention and wants to date. That would be a lot worse. he may have a problem thinking there's something wrong with him if you refused him and now she's doing the same in a different way and he's afraid of moving on because he'd have to admit defeat. What he needs to know about dating and relationships is what we finally know hopefully by time we are in our late thirties or in our forties if going just by life experience. Or you could point him at checking out you tube videos on how to find the right person for you, dating do's and don't and so on. I have researched this stuff. SOme of it is professional and others from ordinary folks like me who learned something and want to pass it on and other stuff is just stupid, junk and not worth your time to watch. Or he could get books at library or book store on knowing what to look for in a relationship. IF you are young, then it will still be a learn as you go in what you read, but eventually you will have more successes. Young guys are more in love with the idea of dating, and having a girlfriend than with making a commitment to be exclusive with her. That often doesn't come until a guy is mid 20s or older and for some it's older like way into their 30s. It all depends on how fast you learn and how brave you are to take what you have learned and act upon it, carrying it out. Eventually he will, and you will find the right partner for yourself, sooner than later.

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So my ex(M23) and I (F22) will have been broken up a month on Saturday. We were together almost eight months when he broke up with me because he's "not ready for a relationship".

For me the break up came completely out of the blue, granted he'd been acting odd and distant for a couple of weeks but he'd also been dealing with a lot of stress between work (got turned down for the job he wanted), university (failed his module and has to resit), and his car (rear ended a brand new Audi 3k worth of damage). So with recent events in mind I assumed he was just stressed; was smoking more often than I've ever known him to (didn't smoke at all November/December and had quit, January/February it was like dating an industrial chimney), had bitten down all his nails so bad they were perpetually raw, wasn't eating right and had lost a lot of weight, wasn't sleeping properly and was complaining about muscle tension in his neck, and wasn't interested/able to maintain an erection during sex. All of these things are indicators of stress. I tried to talk to him about it a couple of times but he would just wave me off, or straight up ignore me towards the end. The one night we were texting amicably and stress was brought up and I tried to talk to him about it then, letting him know I'm here if he wants to talk or needs help with anything, but he stopped replying and in fact didn't talk to me until we met he following night to go to the cinema with his sister and our mutual best friend. I apologised for 'overthinking' (he used to say I was doing that whenever I'd try to talk to him about a concern I had with our relationship) and he told me I had 'nothing to apologise for'.

The next week went fine. We had a lot of snow and living twenty miles apart we weren't able to see each other. The last time we had snow (December) he was insistent that he wanted to see me, texting me telling me how much he missed me etc, this time I barely heard from him. Knew he was day drinking and getting high with his housemate and if I mentioned missing him or sent a flirty text he would ignore me completely. I knew things were different but I also knew that if I brought them up he'd accuse me of 'overthinking' and dismiss me again.

Six days after our movie date and once the snow had cleared he text me in a way that he hasn't in a long time; he was flirty and teasing and told me he was going to take me to dinner and a movie the next night, and I was so excited. I figured that maybe a couple of days off from work because of the snow had allowed him some breathing space and he was finally feeling better.

I was wrong. He arrived at the cinema a little after me and when he got out of the car I could tell something was amiss. When I asked if he was okay, he said "not really" and proceeded to fall into the crook of my neck and just stay there. I held on to him as he started to cry, didn't press for further information just held him close until he felt comfortable to talk.

When he finally pulled away he asked if we could "talk about us" and that was the moment I knew. He went on to explain that he doesn't feel he's "ready for a relationship" and that he jumped into things to quickly after his last relationship. They were together five years and things were extremely toxic. He'd been trying to break up with her for a year before he finally did. They'd only been separated two months before he met me and he explained to me that at that time he'd only been thinking about all the good things he missed with his ex.

He assured me I wasn't a rebound but I'm finding that hard to believe now. He called me the "loveliest person" he knows and apologised for hurting me, finishing with "you've always deserved a person a lot better than what you've had before, I'm sorry I can't be that person right now. I hope that at the very least you've taken away from this how you should be treated. I know I have. I don't want you out of my life completely. I love you too."

At the time I was too in shock to say much on my own behalf. I spent much of the conversation reassuring him through my own tears as I was wiping his away. I made bad jokes to lighten things and offered him my hand as we walked back to our cars. Later that night I text him to let him know he'd done the right thing and not to beat himself up about it like I knew he was going to. Now I'm not so sure. He'd clearly known for a while that he didn't want to be with me, so why lead me on with false hope? Especially with all the flirty Casanova bullshit the night before he dumped me. I can understand breaking up with me was hard, he's terrible with his emotions and never lets anyone in, so to see him cry so openly in front of me told me enough that this break up was hurting him too.

However, because I was too dumbstruck to collect my thoughts that night I've now been left with a million and one questions and things that I'm desperate to say, to get my side out because why is it fair that only he got to say his piece and I never did? I spent our whole relationship putting him first and even surprised myself at my capability to love so selflessly, there was never a moment when he was not a priority to me. I supported him in every way I could, helping him with his university assignments because his writing wasn't academic enough (he'll likely get disqualified for plagiarism now. The guilt over that cripples me). I spent eight months rebuilding his self-esteem and confidence after his ex destroyed it, showing him how he deserved to be treated and remind him that he is a wonderful person. Hell, I was driving eighty miles a week just to see him.

My point is, I have a lot that I'd like to say to him, things I didn't get to say because he took me by surprise. I could sense something was wrong but never dreamt it would have been our relationship. There were no arguments, no cheating. He told me he loved me for the first time in January and eight weeks later broke up with me. That doesn't make sense to me.

And then he texted me on my birthday, nothin major but considering I used to have to remind him to text our best friend on his birthday, I was surprised to see that he'd remembered mine.

I'm just confused and I'd like closure. Do I bother asking him to meet so I can clear my own thoughts? Or do I just power through and leave it?

Sometimes a person can feel love for someone, to the point they don't want to pull them down with them as they wallow and drown in their own life. He knows he is not a stable strong self confident man. YOu sound like you are such a woman. If it obvious to him how vastly different he is. The problem is, he is not ready to see a counselor because he definitely needs that. Not because he has mental illness or smokes or whatever, just because he isn't ready for a relationship with anyone, even if it was you, because he needs to work on himself. Having a gf/bf in the life of a person who needs to work on themselves is only going to be a distraction. Also while working on oneself, it should be in conjunction with assignments ones personal professional counselor is aware of and working with said person. He is not ready for help.
In any relationship that is a normal healthy one, if any difficulties come along such as the awful things that happened to him all at once, the stress should make partners turn to each other for strength and consoling and building up. You were willing, but he had to be too and he wasn't. That is his problem. My first marriage was like that, where I was the only one trying, doing and being the adult and he was avoiding getting any real help and believe me, he needed counseling. A retired counselor friend spoke to him and told him if he wanted to save our marriage, he better get in for counseling as he was the one with issues that needed counseling. Both partners need to put in equal effort to make a relationship work. I understand you may love him. But you met under the worst of circumstances and it still could have worked if he turned to you and was willing to let you help and also see a counselor to get over whatever subconsciously is holding him back. It is a major problem that would kill your relationship sooner than later even if you had stayed together. If you wish to give him time to deal with his own life and get himself together and to a healthier place, then thats up to you. However, if he is showing no desire to improve himself with professional help, just muddling through on his own is not going to make things better. If he never really tries, he could go through life being like this all the way through. I also thought that being loving and supportive would help my ex husband. It did not. And yet I kept staying until I heard from God it was time to leave, because he wouldn't grow as a person until I was gone. He's grown, but only very little, not enough to me to have lasted. The stress on me since I was also mistreated, was messing with my health due to stress. Being supportive is good as long as a person is plugged into some kind of professional help like AA for alcoholics, mental health counseling if suffering from such a thing, or a regular life coach type of counseling even as long as the person in taking to heart what they are taught and really working on those things and are able to see improvement in their lives.

You already saw that he spilled his guts to you, but it was all about him and unfortunately has always been just about him and he has not been able to or even thought of being there for you and letting you have your say where he is really listening and responding.

You may have a personality trait of where you can't help but want to be nurturing and help and fix things. Thats fine as long as you have an outlet other than a bf, mate, husband to fulfill that need in you. I am like that. I put my nurturing, supportiveness and teaching by example into my children and also with my garden, and I enjoyed handling problems at work that needed improving and better ways of doing things. It just might be that such a trait exists in you that has caused you to want and try for so long to help. But unless you have the schooling and the degree to do professional counseling, and he is a willing, instead of resistant patient, then you can not help him. All you can do if you contact him at all is suggest he see a counselor who deals with helping a person to improve their life. He knows his life is not normal.

I would mention these words of his: ""you've always deserved a person a lot better than what you've had before, I'm sorry I can't be that person right now. I hope that at the very least you've taken away from this how you should be treated. I know I have. I don't want you out of my life completely. I love you too." Remind him he said 'right now' he isn't that person. That means he is hoping that someday he can be. But insist that won't happen for him if he doesnt go for professional help. It doesn't make him any less of a person. It is a brave thing to do, to seek help. But if he refuses, despite the fact you both love each other, there isn't any future for you two to be together. See if he will respond to that. If he doesn't either you hang around waiting forever which may never come or you find a way to force your way back into his life and let your love for him die a slow death. Yes, I loved my ex when we first married. But love is like money you deposit in a bank saving account. You can't have money in your account without making deposits into that account. When your bf kept drawing out the need for love but never returning the same action and doing things for you that were acts of love, and essentially making love deposits into your heart, you had to make those deposits yourself. ITs not the same thing and not real deposits. Your heart remains empty and unloved. Your love for him will only go so many years before it finally tires and dies out. It did for me and its done so for many women friends who have shared their situations. Their love eventually died out when it was never returned after months or more likely years and years of not being returned. I have a new husband now for 9 years and he is constantly saying and doing things that are acts of love and making so many love deposits that my love for him is overflowing. When the day comes that I lose him to death, I will feel bankrupt. That is the kind of love I wish everyone had. Maybe you are meant to learn it all the hard way, I don't know hon. Whatever you do, just remember to learn from your mistakes and never settle for less.

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question if a man is dating someone but not married, is he still open to the public?

REASON I ASK IS BECAUSE OF THE FOLLOWING

HE'S BEEN BEGGIN ME TO COOK HIM A MEAL FOR THE LONGEST....SHOULD I???????


ive know him for over 10 years...he's a good buddy...here's the thing, he has a g/f but he hasn't been the happiest with her. he's flirted with me etc but ive always turned him down..n e way....he's know me for years...and has been beggin me for a home-cooked meal forever and I never fixed him one...so he'll sometimes watch me eat my food...while I laugh at him...well he asked me again yesterday will I bring him some breakfast, I didn't respond......so should I be nice this once....and bring him a plate of food tomorrow so he'll shut up or should I charge him??????

If you cave in, he'll feel he's won a step and will only beg more.
What I think is going on is that he is afraid of not having anyone to date. If he is not happy with his girlfriend, he needs to break up with her and be single again before you start doing special things for him that a dating partner/gf would. So far, you haven't mentioned anything other than smiling and laughing at him. Guess what? He could take that as a tease, that you are egging him on. Smiles say you like it, laughter means you like it alot and you may be teasing him. That kind of stuff will draw his attention more, especially if he's not happy with his gf. It is not a good idea to be doing anything special with him, even meeting with him often without the gf there, is not quite right, unless he is a coworker and sees you daily and you have the same lunchtime. That is something you can't avoid and no gf could accuse you of horning in on her bf. I think since you've both known each other for so long, that either in the beginning or somewhere along the line, he became interested in you as more than a friend. But rather than go single again, he may want to find a for sure replacement for the girlfriend before he breaks up with her. If you are seeing someone, tell him so and that his flirting as your friend is not appropriate, nor is his begging you to cook him anything. If you are so sure you are not attracted to him romantically, you have to make it blatant to him as he's not getting the message by you simply turning his advances down. Something like, Listen Mike, I like you as a friend but I have absolutely no romantic feelings for you. I do not feel any of that kind of chemistry with you. If you persist, much as I'd hate to do so, I will have to put a stop to our associating together at all, no friendship, no meeting, no texts or phone calls.

That would get the message across quite clearly to anyone.
However, I want you to think twice before you do so. The best foundation for happy long lasting relationships is when both are best of friends and also a good match in romance and sex. When people do not feel an instant sexual attraction at first meet, the big flame, they assume there never will be and just feel friendship is the only option. However the majority of relationships start as a little burning coal, enough to be a friend, but can grow and grow until there is a blazing fire for each other. Sometimes that happens for only one person, not the other. But if you've never given it a chance, you will never know. Word of advice, if you tell him you are willing to explore if you both could have the chemistry to be more than friends, then he would have to break up with the other girlfriend. If he can't do that, he might have some sort of security issue and that could mean some other idiosyncrasies you may not like.
Next time you see him, even if he's not flirting or begging for breakfast, start interrogating him. Get some answers. If you don't ask, you won't really know what's up.

If a good guy friend were doing this to me, I would be asking him the following:

You have a girlfriend. Hasn't it occurred to you to ask her for such a thing? Committed couples do this kind of thing for each other. So, Why are you asking me for breakfast. (IF he says he hasn't asked her, you ask him why. If he says she refused, then you say, if its all that important to him, then why is he still with her.)

Anyone I've known for that long will know I can ask anything and get right to the point with them and not have their feelings hurt because we are friends. So...

I'd ask him point blank if he has security issues.
(no matter what he answers, I'd continue with this) Well you have mentioned not being happy with her but you have not broken up with her. It sends a message that you are afraid of being alone and single again without anyone to date. It sends me the message that you want to start dating me and feel sure this relationship is solid before you break up with her. Is that what you are after?

Or, I might be in the mood to just say, Look Mike, I would hope we've been honest with each other all these years, and all I want is for you to be honest with me now. So are you interested in me as more than a friend? No, I don't want you to go off subject and say a bunch of other stuff, just answer my question. If he will not give you an answer, then you say, until you are ready to give me an answer, there is no reason to keep talking. Goodbye. And I would leave or tell him to leave whatever the situation.
It is scary for friends who fall in love with a friend to tell them so. They fear losing their friend. You will feel awkward around him if you know his gf was just a space filler, and he's not crazy about her at all but madly in love with you. To continue to hang with him while knowing he pines for you is something that will finally end a relationship as friends with the opposite sex. Ask yourself if you are afraid to find out as well.
If you are and you want to do stuff that encourages him even if you are not interested him in that way, then do whatever you want. But get ready to do more and more favors for him, the kind of things mates do for each other because they love each other. I don't understand the part about should you charge him. Unless you run a restaurant, I cant see where charging him for breakfast becomes a valid issue. I certainly wouldn't give him a free one and lose my job if that were the case.

Lastly, I want to make something really clear. You asked if a person is dating are they still open to the public? The answers are both yes and no depending on the situation. If a person tells someone that they are dating around and meeting up with other people until they find someone they want to get to know better and date for a while, they are saying that they are still open to dating others as they haven't chosen anyone yet to commit to in a relationship. This should not be an excuse to play around and cheat for years. If a person is actively looking, within a couple of months, they should have settled on someone to date for a while until they are more sure if they want to continue on or not. If not, they break up...which your guy is not doing. Maybe he is not sure of what he wants. I did this after a divorce. I was looking for at least a bf or if I got lucky, the guy would become my next husband. I was consistent in telling every guy I met that I was searching for my new bf and so I would meet with and see others until I settled on one guy. Surprisingly, all the guys were okay with this. Guys tend to do this without telling the females they are doing this because generally women get possessive or jealous even before they really have a right to. So men will understand this. Maybe in his mind, he thinks he is doing this. But if he's been dating the same girl past 6 months, I'd say he had enough time to decide if he wanted to continue on and then commit to being hers for long term. Apparently not.
The difference is letting a person know what you are doing to give them a chance to decide from the start if they want to even get involved in any degree with you. Too many don't say. It doesnt occur to them to do so. But it definitely is an option. Two guys I saw for a month or two let me know when someone else came into their life they wanted to be exclusive with and I was okay with that. The last one told me and I had just met my future husband so we both laughed and said we must have been fillers til our new partners showed up in our lives. Your male friend probably never made such an arrangement at the start with his gf. If he had, she'd know you and be okay with him seeing you and she may even be still dating around trying to find someone who seems to be her Mr. Right. I hope you see how something here isn't quite right. Even if he isn't being honest with you, he may not even be honest with himself. He has no clue what he wants because begging for breakfast all the thing is a very poor way of creating the setting where what he wants might become possible. If he were a bit more creative, he'd be coming up with lots of different requests to see if he can catch your interest in a deeper way. I certainly wouldnt be taking a guy like him seriously. I don't want to wait for a guy to be self confident as I am. Either he is honest and spits it out in conversation,, Or I personally wouldn't even be bothered to put up with this and I'd say whatever I had to make him tell the truth or stop seeing him as a friend. But of course, I am not you. Plenty women will date a guy who has a wife or gf and find nothing wrong with it as long as he claims he's not happy with them. I dated a while before meeting my husband and I heard that a lot from guys at a first meet at a coffee house. And that would be the only time I met with them as I didn't want to have to wait and undetermined amount of time for them to change if ever because the man I had married and divorced, I'd waited 30 years to see him change for the better but he only got worse and worse. If your friend is in love with you, you need to know and then make whatever decision you want. But I'd think twice if he has a problem with letting go of a relationship he's not happy with for whatever reason.


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I don’t get how I’m awkward I’m literally just being myself and different people keep saying I’m awkward it all started in grade 9 when this girl in my class randomly came up to me and hugged me from behind and I was caught off guard so I said “oh okay” when I looked back to see who it was. Then she was like “omg maise you’re so awkward” and started laughing, even though I’m not used to hugs from behind. Another time was in grade 11 I was talking to an old friend from elementary school I don’t really remember the conversation but she said I was awkward. Now that I’m hanging out with my acquaintances that I’ve known since I was like 9 (I don’t consider anyone really a friend except for one person) keep saying I’m awkward whenever we hangout. I’m sorry I don’t wanna hug you all the time when we’re together and I’m sorry I don’t really have anything to talk to you about. I do notice though when I’m talking to some of them they always try to make conversation like I don’t mind when a convo dies but to them we always have to talk every second. I guess they sense an awkward silence but I don’t think the silence is awkward. Another thing was yesterday my sisters friend saw me walking I think I might’ve glanced at him and looked away and he decided to rant to my sister about how I always make it awkward for him by looking at him and then looking away before he could say hi (I didn’t even realize it was him in the first place). Plus even if I did realize it was him I wouldn’t have said hi because we don’t even talk and he’s never said hi to me in my life. Lastly this was in November my uncle and my sister were talking and I wasn’t listening and they came up to me and started staring at me and I kept asking “what? What?” And my uncle was like “why do you keep acting like that” and I said like “what?” And he then asked my sister why do I keep acting like that and she said she doesn’t know and I said I didn’t even hear your conversation and left. I guess they were staring at me to give my input on what they were talking about but I didn’t hear a word about what they were talking about. I could go on and on about how people keep calling me awkward but it would be long. It’s gotten to the point where now I’m more self-conscious in social settings, before I didn’t care but now that everyone keeps calling me awkward I keep thinking about not messing up in public, before I couldn’t eat in public now I could careless, before I couldn’t go to the mall myself but now I can but at the back of my mind I feel like people are judging me (I’m a 19 year old female)

Without actually being able to observe you, I can't say for sure what might be going on. But since you get the very same word from everyone, they are all obviously picking up on something that makes you seem a bit different from everyone else. I didn't like to conform and be like everyone else in school. I wore what I wanted, not the lastest fashion all the girls wore, I used my own expressions, not the latest terms teens were using. And there is nothing wrong with that. I too had anxiety about what other people might be thinking of me and their ignoring me hitting as bad as any unkind words or teasing. But I can tell you one thing. The people who gone on just being themself and not trying to find out what others feel makes them different and then forcing themselves to change to be a carbon copy of the others, these people are actually much stronger individuals than those who conform. See, they fear attention from being different so they cave in sometimes before it even starts, the picking on. . .and they choose to dress, behave, act, look like everyone else. That is not a good thing for society because a lot of that will hang around when they are older adults. As I grew older and outgrew the natural teenage angst we all have at that age, I discovered I was a much stronger person than the others. At my recent 40th HS reunion for example, all the people in attendance huddled with maybe one person they knew and did not try to approach others to say Hi and reconnect or make new friends, except for one woman. I realized as I approached the others and greeted them, they all seemed friendly and some relieved they didn't have to make the first move, it hit that these were all the people i thought had confidence in HS, were outgoing and knew how to handle themselves. All they had done is learn how to hide their insecurities about who they were. One gal who had social anxiety in school apologized for never having approached me to befriend. I was shocked. Other than one girl, I was the most outgoing, friendly, funny, social butterfly and came home to at least a dozen new FB friend requests from that.

I am saying all this to drill in the point I am making that it is not wrong or bad for something in how you act or talk to be different, that makes you strong and you will have the most opportunities in life to try new things that others are not doing, simply because you are braver and stronger, even though you don't feel it right now. I did not either when I was your age. Maybe around 21-22 I finally got to a place where it did not bother me anymore. People your age are typical to the thinking that everyone has to act just like the other. Your adult may be like the adults I saw at reunion, he has no clear identity of his own because he had followed his peers trying not to stand out in any way and that is how some older adults could look at you and say the same thing that you are awkward. It's odd that no other word is used like 'too quiet', anti-social, strange, unsure of self, bizarre, etc." This leads me to think it is nothing bad at all. Speaking is only a small part of communication and in fact the bigger part is body and facial language. Although most people do not understand or are mindfully aware they are picking up on body language, our subconscious mind is what picks up on stuff that they may feel is different from everyone elses body language. The only other thing I can think of is having been born with something like Aspergers or some such syndrome that makes you act a little differently in social settings. I had a girlfriend like that in school. I was probably few of kids who accepted her as she was, even if she asked me for the umpteenth time if she had told me the story about such and such and even if I said yes, she would repeat it. So I learned to say no and sound eager to hear. I didn't understand why she was different in that way and other ways, but at least I could understand her and we still had fun together.
If you can at least hold at the back of your mind the concept that you are actually a stronger person in the making, than any of these people who pick on you and call you awkward, it may slowly help you to get by until you grow a bit older and more confident about yourself and less affected by others opinions. Your example of responding with "Oh okay" when grabbed from behind, is not bad. Most people would state something like "gee, you scared me or gee you startled me or Don't do that, you made me jump out of my skin, or oh good, it's you Jenny, not a weirdo. On thinking of it, if I were saying 'Oh okay," I would be saying that more to myself, talking to myself out loud, for the purpose of telling myself it's okay, there's nothing to worry about, it was just a friend, not a stranger. I still speak to myself all the time and I am in many ways more well balanced than others for it Won't go into details on talking to yourself unless you write and ask for examples to see if any thing to compares to your situation.
I knew I did this. You may not be aware, if it is true you do this, and that means when you speak out loud, others hear and it doesn't make sense to them as it does when you talk to yourself (your subconscious mind actually) because it is not their thought and the rest of it is in your head, the rest they did not hear so to them a response of 'oh okay' they don't understand, they call awkward. No, its not awkward of you, they are feeling awkward because they don't get it and hoping they can get you to change and be just like them.That would make them feel better. This of course is focused on them, not caring how you feel. They just haven't learned how to care about others who may be other than the norm. They are not able to explain what is seeming to be so awkward to them because it's probably something like body language, a social syndrome, talking to yourself, concepts they just don't understand.

I agree there's nothing wrong with silent periods when conversation dies. Simply being with friends should be enough, without having to speak. But since they seem to "feel awkward' when there is no conversation at the moment, that is on them, that is their problem. WHile you may be different from the norm, it is every one elses problem and their feelings and reaction of awkwardness that come from within them that is the real thing going on here.That may be more due to their ignorance and not knowing that it is okay to be different and to be willing to learn more about what ever concept it is, or to simply be okay with it.

In the case of sisters friend complaining that you looked away before saying HI, try to be conscious of what your face looks like. You may have no need to start up a conversation with them, but it seems to be good manners when at least acknowledging anyone you really know by at least a wave and a smile. A smile goes a long way. My relaxed face is more of a formidable one, I have German background and so many german people have a very stern look on their face all the time. I can't change that, how I look when I am relaxed. But I can choose to smile, wave and say Hi at least in the situation like yours. I don't know if you are doing that. If you are, you are doing fine and they have the issues, it's internal problems in them that nothing you or others do could fix until they want to learn to change and improve their self for the better. If you aren't try it. Even if you did not recognize the person with sis. you could have smiled and said HI and made sure you gave it an extra few seconds of eye contact so they realize you saw and acknowleged them. If you said Hi Sis without acknowledging the other person, he could have his own issues of fearing acceptance and think you personally didn't address him. That is why a wave and a Hi without using the name usually works, even if I have forgotten someone name. Then if they approach me to chat for a bit more, it's at that point I might say, I know you but your name slips my mind at the moment. A person who can be brave enough to face and speak the truth is already way ahead of someone else who can't for fear people might be offended. I can't imagine going through my entire life always overthinking what I do because I am fearing offending others, or their not approving, or thinking I am weird. If you catch someone staring at you or calling you awkward, the best way to overcome how you feel is to use some humor. At the very least, it could put you at ease but may do the same for them. If someone says, you're too loud, or you're real weird, instead of taking it personally as a bad thing, I usually laugh and address what they just said by admitting it. Something like, Didn't you know that weird is my middle name. Or yup, I act weird just to irritate you. Is it working?" Then I have to giggle and not look serious or they will think I am being mean and picking on them. If I laugh or giggle,, people take it that it doesn't bother me, I acknowledge it and someone they relax a bit. Say you go to the library, and coming down the aisle is a person who doesnt fit the norm of peoples looks, they have the mottled skin of both a black person and a white person is patches giving the dalmation look almost. You know it's not polite to stare but they have already connected eyes with you. Despite their skin condition, inside they are the same as you. However even I feel a moment of panic in whether they would be offended if I just nodded and smiled in their direction or if they react the same way if I turn away and purposely pretend they are not there. Yeah, some people who stand out as different can have a chip on their shoulder and no matter what you do, they overreact, probably due to having gotten lots of bad reactions or rude comments from people all their life. When you put yourself in their shoes, you realize that some people will take anything wrong and others won't. Theres no pleasing some people. Again, that's on them and has nothing to do with you. It is them not knowing what to do or how to handle themselves. Basically, it is actually those other who are feeling awkward because they do not understand or know how to respond, like just accept the differences or not. We stress acceptance these days of teens who have different sexual or gender identities and that is a good thing. But if you think about it, those situations are being talking about and taught and repeated in school and throughout society that this is okay and is the norm for those people and it's okay for them to be different. So in ways, you probably see your peers responding more favorably and accepting of gays, bisexuals, gender id people than whatever they think they see in you. If reading body language, understanding social disabilities and such were talked about and society taught some basics and how to interpret or handle those situations, then no one would be telling you that you are awkward to them. Remember, they are actually feeling awkward and people tend to pin on others, that which they themselves struggle with. For example, an angry person, to take the focus off themselves will point to others and say, they have an anger problem. I know family members like this. It is not a healthy situation to suffer from. As I grew older, I learned to watch peoples faces and I still today will speak up and explain myself or tell little stories to put others at ease. If I bring up a subject they know nothing of, theres an awkward look in their face that tells me either they have no interest in the subject or more likely feel embarrassed they have no knowlege on the subject and don't want to appear uneducated to me. I will usually share enough info in a little story so they get a grasp of what I am talking about. Then if they still have no interest, they can change the topic, or say, I've always wanted to learn more about that and I am always willing to share and teach what I know. Why else would I be on here if I didn't.

I made this long to give lots of info and situations because I can really connect to how you must feel as I got that lots too throughout childhood and up to 20 or so. I wanted to get across a change in perspective, that while you may be a little different, thats okay and that it is actually the others who are feeling awkward not knowing how to understand or deal with your differences. They can't even begn to explain to you what they see. I always tell people that if you have something you want to point out to me, you can do that, I won't take anything wrong. I am always looking to improve my self in ways that I can without changing my personality and who I truly am inside. If others saw you can joke about this unknown thing or things that make them feel awkward around you, then they may feel safer to share what they feel is different about you. Most people will stay clammed up and just put it on you because at least they sense something about it not being good manners to just tell a person in detail what you think is wrong with them. That has to be invited by the person they feel is different. Only then may you get the true details of whats going on in their mind. If a friend does finally trust and open up, listen, smile and encourage them. Keep remembering this is their issue, you are just being a friend to listen and not react and take it personally. They are likely the ones who need help, not you. If you acknowledge their feeling your words are always different than what everyone else uses, then you can let them know, this is part of you. You don't know any other way to be and wouldn't want to pretend and talk the same to fit in. You like being you and being different. OR something to that effect, in your own words. Ask them if they feel better now that they have admitted how they feel. Let them know they can share anything with you as long as they are sharing their take on it in a positive way and not trying to tear you down. You can decide if anything you learn is something you can improve on or if it is part of your unique personality and character that is different but doesn't need to change. They can't tell you what they think that is. That is only up to you. It is still going to be hard for yo for a while but if you work on how you take things people say and do what you can to make them feel safe and sharing with you what they feel, that will eventually make the difference and you will see there are no longer any problems.

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Ok so I work in an office with majority women and some male doctors..So two of the ladies in the office are getting married this year..One in June 23rd and the second in August 25th..both are nice people..and I’ve worked with them both for almost 8years now..my situation is such..The Lady getting married in June had a bridal showe and invited work staff but didn’t invite me...as you might assume I was pissed...we as an office were throwing one for her. before this happened...Another colleague told me she didn’t have a big space and that her maid of honour did the inviting etc..so my question to you all Is should I attend the office shower for her despite the fact I wasn’t invited to her original shower? Also should I go to the wedding? She gave me an Invitation Yesterday...and also the second lady didn’t even invite me to her wedding..she had another girl tell me she didn’t invite me...please give advice..

WIth the first one, despite what went wrong with her friend handling the shower and leaving you out or if it was an overlook, you can't pin that on her because she did give you an invite to her wedding.
Whether attending showers or weddings, you shouldn't force yourself to go simply because you feel you have to because you were invited. I know it may look bad to others, but what really counts is that the person was at least a work friend if not a friend away from work as well. I was friends with all the ladies in a small office, 4 besides myself and when even birthdays came up, we'd all pitch in to take the coworker out to lunch for their birthday and the boss was okay with us all being gone from the office at the same time. I participated because I wanted to. When it was a company wide event for someone I did not really know, I did not participate just because it was a person who worked in the same company but not in my department. This would be like feeling obligated to do something special for everyone in your apartment building when a special date comes up for them. So that is point one, I have to make.
The second lady not inviting to her wedding is not an overlook. Brides pay attention to who is on the guest list and make sure everyone they want to have there was invited. To be pissed as you earlier said, shows that you are still young enough to care what other people think of you and base your feeling good about yourself on what other people say or do. As a result, your emotions probably get yanked about quite often in various situations. I'll bet this isn't the only one, just one that you are currently putting more importance on. My guess is she just worked with you but didn't feel necessarily like a work friend. Doesn't have to mean she hates you. IT works the same between women and between men or any people you meet as it does with meeting a mate, a mate has to have enough in common, and there has to be a level of attraction whether as a friend or as something more for any two people to really come together. I did not have any friends with whom i couldn't get along or did not care about at some level. I would not think of hanging out with anyone then or now that I don't feel that spark of camaraderie with from first meet. I may not hate a person or dislike them in any way, just not feel that spark of friendship with them. So you are simply taking it all personally, getting upset with what someone else may think of you and the more you dwell on it, the worse you will feel and theres a likelihood of imagining all the worst possibilities which may not even be true. If she really matters that much to you, then go to the office shower. I remember attending many office bridal showers and baby showers. But I wanted to. If I didn't, I could have volunteered to be the phone person taking messages for everyone who did attend. Also, since work friends were only friends at work and not friends I saw at all times in life, a truly close friend, any gifts I gave were in relation to how much that person was a part of my life. The gift would be nice but small, just a set of kitchen implements from a dollar store in a crockery to set on the counter next to the stove, or perhaps oven mitts or kitchen towels. If it was a dear close friend as well as someone I worked with, I might splurge on a gift. So don't feel guilty about what you get if you decide to go. All I know is that most everyone getting married or having a baby got more than one shower. My youngest daughter is the most recent example. SHe had a baby last June. Not a single person she worked with was invited to the shower I helped set up. My shower was covering all her friends from school she still stayed in touch with, her husbands relatives she felt close to and her own family relations. It never occurred to us to add coworkers. Usually coworkers, always host a separate shower and that's what she got, sharing with me afterwards, all the gifts she got from coworkers. If she had wanted to add in people from work, she would have given me the names so I knew how many to plan for with games and such.
How can you take something that hurt your feelings, and turn it into something positive. When it comes time for any shower for you, don't decide on a space to hold it until you know how many people are going to attend for one. You keep asking around until you find a place for free thats big enough. SOmeone may be able to book their apartment's community room for the shower, maybe a relative has enough space or check with local library as their extra rooms can be booked in advance and most often are free.

Second, in concern for the feelings of anyone at work maybe feeling left out, make an announcement that you will decide on location once you know how many want to attend. So you want to know that in addition to any work related shower if any, you want to know if anyone wants an invite to your other shower. That way, those to whom its more important can let you know they want to attend and you add them to the list to get final info to on date time and place. This helps your mom or best friend in planning the event based on size of attendance. You can take any bad experience you have in life and learn to think of others. YOu won't be the only one who has ever felt bad when being left out, even if it was a mistake. Of course there are better ways to handle such a situation in hindsight. So attend the work shower, enjoy yourself, and be determined to not do a repeat of what happened to you when your time for a shower comes.

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I am really confused and a bit frightened. Back in high school there was this boy that I secretely liked(sometimes we would have small conversations-but nothing really too special) and I believed that after high school things would change and my feelings would just disappear because I knew the odds of us seeing each other again were remote. Now here is my question:

It has been eight years since I saw him last and like I said, I believed I got over these feelings. But, just recently, I had a dream about him and everything came flooding back. I am afraid because I really don't want to have these feelings because I am sure that he has moved on with his life. So I need to know...
Are these feelings just because I am lonely or what do they mean?

If you have no one special in your life, then maybe you are lonely. However loneliness doesn't have to mean it's the reason behind why you have feelings.

Your subconscious mind is playing tricks on you dear. A lot of people don't give their subconscious much thought but it is always there even when you are wide awake not just asleep. For example, it is our subconscious that runs such things in our body as making us blink our eyes and taking our next breath. These are things your conscious mind does not have to focus on among all other things it needs to do. I don't think I'd get anything done every day if I had to conscious think about blinking and taking each breath, I would never be able to do anything else as that seems a full time job in itself.

Seriously though, the subconscious is tied to our emotions as well. Think of a movie that you found particularly sad and you cried alot. You know it was just fictional and the actors/actresses were only playing a role and that it was not a real situation but it made you so sad you couldn't stop crying. Why do we cry over something our conscious mind says is only a movie? Because our subconscious takes in this info as being real. A scary movie can also make you dream of something you emotionally felt while awake, fear, or happiness for that matter. So what we choose to focus on, our subcon. decides must be very important to us, no matter what the emotion and so whether positive or a negative thing, the subconscious mind will endeavor to give us that which we desire and equates that with what our minds are most often thinking about. Because of our emotions getting involved, any thoughts, or picturing ourselves in a situation or with somebody, will feel all too real. This is why there is a danger in LDR's where the two have never met face to face. Our emotions have to take over and fill in on what we can not experience and what we can not see. The feelings then attached to the little truth we have about a person make it feel like the real thing. But there is no way to know if you are one of 5 girls he chats with online and says he loves or if he is dating someone in person where he lives. You can't know if you have physical chemistry because its not a matter of will power but pheromones which can't sense things over a distance, you have to be physically near the person for your body to pick up these silent signals of whether you are truly attracted or not. In just a dating site before I met my second husband, I thought some guys were the one for me by just our online and phone chats. Then when we met in person, both of us discovered there was a lack of attraction, of that pheromone connection. The more similar or alike our pheromones are with another person, the more we will feel the attraction and that excitement in being near each other. THis is not to be confused with the excitement of anything new like the toy you got at CHristmas that you wanted so bad and focused on all the time and when you got it, it quickly lost your interest because it just wasn't a right fit for you. You quickly learned by that, which toys were better for you or not.
Whatever you feel for this guy, are real feelings, I won't argue that. However these feelings are not based in reality. You only crushed on him, talked a little but never dated or had a relationship with him. Until you do, you can not know if the two of you would have worked out or not. We can have initial interest and feelings or strong liking or love at a surface level but when we get to know a person at deeper levels, all of a sudden there is too much we don't like or will not tolerate. This does not mean you have a problem picking guys, this is the same process we all have to go through in learning to really know a person. Then we assume because feelings came on too soon in the surface level stage of knowing a person that they must be right for us.

I think that your subconscious mind is still wondering if anything could have come from your interest in him in HS and it doesn't want to just give up like your conscious mind. THink of your subconscious as being like a second person inside you with its own feelings and fears and you having to really listen to its needs. I had to call mine by another name when addressing it in my mind or out loud when I am alone. This had nothing to do with split personalities and I wish there was more taught on it.
An example would be someone meeting you the first time and before you could open your mouth, they already knew or said they didn't like you. It wasn't something you did or their conscious mind would know what it was. But instead, at subconscious level, that mind is picking up on a trait or something else like that which it doesnt llke or can't tolerate and so it creates these emotions or not liking or even hating someone.

I beleive the best thing to do to settle your subconscious at ease is to discover if you can find him and if he is still single. Otherwise, you will wonder about this to your dying day, even if you do marry someone else some day.
Try social media like Facebook, Twitter and see if he comes up. If not using his actual names, thats the only way you'd not be able to find him, by this I mean an account name like Lion Tamer, or Kitten lover. If you know his parents names, you can always call them and ask them for contact info. All you have to say is you weren't willing to wait until your first HS reunion to reconnect or get in touch with fellow classmates and just wanted to see if you could contact him. You'll discover whether he is married or not or dating and can then follow through and say hi or at least know in your heart that there is no chance. Even if he is single, there is no guarantee that even if he did decide to take you out, that both of you would hit it off. There are many one sided love situations where either the guy or the gal loves the other but that love is not felt and returned.
Make an agreement with your subconscious that you will attempt to find the guy and check out what his status is currently. If he is single, that you will ask to meet him over coffee to go over old times. (You can always say, you felt there was a friendship there, even though you were too shy in school to pursue it much more than the little talking you did, if he even asks) Tell your subconscious that if nothing pans out and you've truly tried, that it will drop any further thoughts of the guy or dreams and stop having feelings for him. I have made such agreements in many cases, even step by step talking my self or my subconscious out of feeling fear about a dentist appointment. In many ways I think my inner child is also tied to my subconscious and often my sub is very intelligent and then like flipping a coin, is all of a sudden so childish or child like. I accept that is how it will be and therefore always work to listen to myself, my thoughts because it could be my subcon. trying to tell me it doesn't like something. My conscious mind can be understanding and at peace about a situation that goes wrong while my subconscious is extremely upset and irritated. I know when to give it a rest by backing away and focusing on something else so that part inside me is no longer irritated. It actually happened just yesterday again and I quickly explained to hubby it wasn't him but I was snapping in my speech because my subconscious was really irritated so he stopped encouraging me to keep trying to find what I was looking for and I focused on something different;

As much as this might sound like a fairy tale hon, I am sharing the honest to God truth of this. It is the only way I know to naturally deal with a subcon. allowed to do its own thing forever without having to learn to cooperate with your conscious mind. Yes people can be at war with their two minds and as a result, each one sabotages what the other one wants and these people are genuinely miserable all their lives unless they somehow stumble upon the need to be in sync. with both minds.

So you say you don't want these feelings because he may have moved on in life. If that is the only reason, then your conscious mind is in effect over ruling the feelings and the wondering of what if , that your subconscious mind seems to have. So if you decide to not at least give it a real good try, even trying to contact guys who were buddies of his in school to see if they have his contact info, then your sub will never let you have peace because you ignored it's feelings by deciding to go with what seemed safer or easier, ignoring it. What if these feelings are the very thing to wake you into action and what if by your actions, you do find him and the two of you do hit it off and date. What if by some slim chance that does happen and the two of you do fall for each other. Yes, its all a slim chance but it is still a possibility no matter how much the odds are stacked against it. Your sub is telling you, it's not over until you can prove it to me that it is over. ONe way it is over and your thought life can move on is if you can not locate him at all. At least, even if you have regrets you never tried something back in school, you can have some peace that you at least tried.

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Hi, I know this is a little strange, but I've been struggling with an issue lately and I think you might be the perfect person to help me with it. I've seen you answer questions in a manner that leads me to the conclusion that you are a devout Christian and this is a question I need answered by someone who knows the Bible well.

My question is, does the Bible support the idea that God loves men more than women? Until recently, I never believed that God would favor anyone over anyone else, but around a year or so ago, I learned that it is a semi popular belief that men are more important, more valuable, and more loved by God than women are and it bothers me tremendously.

I know that God created men and women differently for different purposes and that some people misinterpret certain verses as being sexist when they're not, such as Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Timothy 2:11-12, or 1 Corinthian 14:34-35 and other such verses. I've always heard that there were reasons for these verses that had nothing to do with favoritism towards men. Basically, I've heard that most verses interpreted as being anti-woman were just written to establish the different roles God gives men and women. However, there are other verses that don't seem so easy to explain. Last summer, I found a list someone wrote of Bible verses that appear to support the idea that God might love men considerably more than women. I know this is not helpful, but for the life of me, I can't remember what exactly those verses were. I've tried to find the list again, but I can't seem to do that either. That's why I want someone who is well educated about the Bible to answer this question.

Something else I haven't been able to find is cold hard proof that the Bible supports the idea that men and women are equal in God's eyes. There is Galatians 3:28, but I've heard that this verse doesn't actually mean what people think it does. I know it's stupid to research this kind of thing on the internet, but I have and every time I find a site that tries to disprove the idea that God loves men more than women, this author doesn't seem to have any proof. They seem to just give their opinion on the matter and then men flock to those sites just to try to prove THEIR opinion that God favors men. What's particularly upsetting is that they tend to make better points than people who believe in gender equality do.

It seems to make some men very angry when women want to believe that God loves both genders equally. They don't want Him to love everyone equally, they want Him to love men much more. They tear apart almost every argument anyone makes for gender equality. If someone says that Adam and Eve were both responsible for the fall, they argue and say that Eve single handedly caused the fall and Adam did nothing wrong. If someone says that both men and women were created in the image of God, they argue and say that men were created in the image of God and women were created in the image of men, which makes men seem even more special yet as, if this were true, men would be the only creatures created in God's image and they'd have another creature created in THEIR image. If someone says that God created Eve to prevent Adam from being lonely and created a bit after Adam to let him BECOME lonely so he'd appreciate her more, they argue and say that he created Eve to be Adams slave (so to speak) and created her after him as more evidence that He favors men over women. Men dwell on the fact that women are commanded to submit to their husbands, but ignore the commandments he gives to husbands or reject that those commandments mean what people think they do. I've been told that men are to protect their wives with their lives. That if a husband and wife are in a life and death situation, the husband should sacrifice his life for his wife, but there are people who reject this, saying that "it's not fair to men."

A lot of men get irritated with other men for not understanding the reason God did give men authority over their wives. These men believe that the relationship between a husband and wife should mirror the relationship between Christ and the church. Women are expected to obey their husbands just as the church is expect to obey Christ. Men are expected to sacrifice their lives (if needed) or their well being for their wives just as Christ sacrificed his life for the church and sacrificed his well being at times too by doing things like skipping meals to witness to someone. One man wrote an article about what a Christian marriage should look like. He wrote that while a wife should submit to her husband, a husband should obey the commandment to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He believed this DOES mean that husbands should sacrifice their lives for their wives if needed, but more than that, he theorized that husbands are to love their wives more than wives are to love their husbands. He seemed to believe that since women are not given the same commandment to love their husbands as Christ loved the church, and since God, and therefore Christ, have a greater capacity for love than we do, then Men are to love their wives more than wives are to love their husbands. He also believed that if a man loves his wife as much as he's commanded to, then he will take excellent care of her, protect her, and care more about her wants than his own, making marriage a lot men pro woman the people think it is. But this is the kind of thing that men love to tear apart. They argue that men have authority over their wives because wives are to be their husbands slaves and men are not expected to put their wives' wants or needs ahead of their own because the whole reason women were created were to tend to men's wants and needs.

I know I'm probably making too big of a deal about this, but this is very important to me. I didn't have a great father. He was abusive, selfish, uninvolved, unconcerned, and absent from much of my upbringing. He was a terrible leader for my family. for years, he never went to church with me, my mom, and my sister, and taught me virtually nothing about the Bible. Also, he set an abysmal example of what marriage should look like, which has damaged me for life, and favored my sister greatly over me. Before I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior, I was told that when I did so, I'd be getting a new, perfect, flawless father who would love me more than my earthly father, or anyone else for that matter ever could. I was in desperate need for a good father and have always taken comfort in knowing I had one in God. So yes, it upsets me more than anyone understands to hear people claim that while God created me as a female, He discriminates against me for being female. It also upsets me to worry that this is never going to end. One men claimed that men will have a more special place in Heaven than women will, which would mean that this feeling of inferiority will never end. Men and women will never be equal, God's favoritism of and special treatment towards men will last for all eternity.

I just want to know the truth. I want to know how God feels about me as a woman. I want to know how he feels about women in comparison to men. I apologize for the length of this question, but if you could help me with this issue, I'd appreciate it more than you could possibly know. Thank you in advance.

Thank you so much for believing in how well versed I am in The Bible. I am afraid I may have to disappoint you a little in that I have heard not only from books, but various pastors that although
the Bible is the word of God, it is also full of man's interpretations of the Bible. As you have found, it can be disturbing and also there can be doubt that what some religious people are claiming is pretty far off the mark of what God really meant for us to understand and believe. One visiting pastor once told us something about the word "Sin". In archery where you try to hit the bullseye with your arrow, anywhere you hit other than the bullseye is called 'Sin'. Sin truly means to have missed the mark or in relation to Christians, to have misinterpreted or truly missed the point of what God is really saying. Jesus had to speak parables in stories that people could relate to in the day he was walking in a mortal body on earth. In that day, wives were considered property. Just because men believed it didn't mean it was Gods will. Jesus had so many concepts to teach mankind that went against so many of their beliefs that they became angry with him real easily. When I wonder what is important to God for me in todays time, I have asked Him and gotten answers. In fact, my launching point on being able to really hear God talking in my mind to me, was when a visiting Lady minister came to our church to teach us some ways that God speaks to us. Some people are more visual, while others are more into what they hear and so on. God can get messages across to us in ways that work best for us. What I want to do is encourage you to first start as the lady pastor said to us, to exercise that part of our brain that catches the voice of God. It is like a spiritual muscle that requires exercising to get stronger and thats when you have no trouble hearing and can ask a question even internally without speaking and get an immediate answer often. If you are interested in hearing more about the simple exercises, let me know and I'll share in a separate message. The reason I seem to have gone off point and seem to not be answering your question is because I have read enough and as I said, even a few pastors have said that the most important source we have for any spiritual questions is going to the source and of course that would be God. Over time, man kind has messed with the Bible, taking out things that originally were a part of it and changed some things before we got the Bible we have today. It happened when Constantine, a Roman emperor became a Christian. There were many Christian sects around, not one unified belief and so there were many that fought amongst each other. Constantine created the council of Nicaea who decided what stayed in and stayed out of the bible. I can't say all of original writings were burned as we are told. There may have been a handful of books with the original writings. I never took any theology studies or such, only books I've read by theological scholars. And there are a few original books that are so old they may crumble at being touched and are under glass. Or for any scholar to actually look up anything in them is maybe one in decade and they must be extremely careful to not destroy these few books or documents. So there may be some of the original stories that were copied from there but they were not accepted by todays church because we are under the assumption that the Bible is whole and things haven't been changed. I read once that one of the things changed which the few scholars allowed to see these old manuscripts have discovered is that before the council of Nicaea, that the Holy Spirit used to be referred to as a 'She', not a He. It actually makes more sense. Once I read that, it rang as true to me, although I did ask God. When he described man being made in his Image, we have to realize that God took many of his traits and characteristics and put half of them into man and half into woman. So does that mean God has a wife? No. But the Holy Spirit part of God is the entity that already had all the female characteristics. It is said that when God said, let US create the earth, and so on, that it wasn't just what we can relate to as male traits but the female traits that came from God. It is said God or the Sonwere like the architect who came up with the plans but the Holy Spirit part of God is who did the actually creating going by the plans God wrote/spoke out. So it is no wonder that God made females with the ability to create like the Holy Spirit. It is limited in comparison but only females have the ability to create another mortal body for one of Gods souls to come inhabit. A female creates a home out of whatever place she is given to live, she takes separate foods, and puts them together in ways to create meals. This does not mean that men can't have a natural creative bent. It isn't that God favors men above women but that men back in the ages when the Bible that we use today, carefully went over the whole Bible and took out enough positive references to women and changed the Holy Spirit from she to he so that there would be nothing left that could positively show that like Jesus and the Holy Spirit work together as a team, men and woman too are equals. Man is only physically stronger than women and unfortunately that has been used to put together the beliefs we have today. This is why there is no real good documents or sources I can turn you towards to study. And this is why I can't stress enough how important it is that you practice and strengthen your spiritual muscle. It was quite a process for me. I started as a teenager, but it wasn't until I was a Mom with children of my own that God became to test me in ways that I could learn to trust him, I had to learn to trust him more than what I read in the bible because the parts left, were left on purpose because they could be taken many ways or misinterpreted so that today we get the things that you have heard. It was all done on purpose. It is funny/odd that they actually left that passage in Revelations where there is a warning to people to not change or omit anything from the bible. I think it was put in to make sure no one tried to change it back to what it should be in case any surviving manuscripts did exist that they missed finding and destroying.

Heres another thing for you to think about, as far as the male and female attributes, we are told we have an earthly father to give us an idea of the relationship we should have with our Heavenly father. When we are young, that is the first image we get of a father. However the bible says nothing of the fact that we have a mother and that she is also a representation of the God, the nurturing, healing, teaching part. Yes some Dads can do that but for most, it isn't part of their nature. I believe there used to be verses about God in heaven being like our earthly father AND mother but mother is not mentioned. God didn't leave that out, men did. You may think this is all my own opinion too as I have no books or verses to direct you to, but God is telling me that the best thing I can tell you is to allow God to start teaching you what He wants to know. We are told that we may hear things that are not defined in the bible and that it may be the Devil placing such thoughts in our heads. I think that is another terrible warning created by Mankind so that people would not trust when they do truly hear the truth from God. I understand that like being in school with all the grade levels, that souls are like in school as far as what they believe and some are not ready to hear certain things and God is good enough to show us only what we can comprehend, even if its not the full truth but pointing you in the right direction. ONe time in prayer at a ladys retreat GOd told me he had something to tell me but that I wasn't ready yet because I would think I was hearing from the devil. I found in my testing that I believed God sometimes and doubted my ability to hear from him on others. Yeah, my response is equally long but I think at this point, sharing an example of how I doubted God will help you see what I am saying. We were told at a ladys retreat to ask God to give us the name of a person he wanted us to give a message or a word to. We had to spend some quiet time trying to hear. At this point, I had no trouble hearing from God, I just doubted my ability to hear 100% correctly. SO I asked God to give me a person. HE answered SHelly. I was already scared. I was in awe of Shelly. I felt she was so far above me as far as Christian experience, a womans Aglow leader, Womens bible study group leader, and principal of the christian school among other things. Does it have to be her I asked, Yes I heard back. Okay what word do you have for me to share with her? I asked as I was thumbing idly through my bible. "Simplicity." I began to freak out in my mind. I meant a word as in a bible verse God. I didnot literally mean one word. He said, "You asked for what I have for you to share with her, that is it." "But it's one word. I can't go up and tell her just that one word, she'll think I am crazy or stupid." I protested. "You don't have to do it. You asked me, I told you. So I answered. You go share the word if you want." God wasn't going to force me. I fumed for a couple minutes and then in a mental huff I said, "Okay, fine, I'll just go tell her and make a fool of myself for you. I can handle the embarassment." (Remember when Jesus told a story of the man who says Yes LOrd but doesnt do what God said, versus the man who whined and comlained but in the end did what God said and how the latter was the one who no matter how he got there, he did the right thing. I was feeling like that person remembering the verse and comparing myself to it. So I knew I had to follow through. So I walk up to Shelly and tell her God gave me a word for her. SHe saids, okay what is it. "It's literally just one word, not a scripture." She didn't looked confused, just encouraged me, "Okay, that's fine, what is it." "Simplicity." The moment I spoke the word she became so excited I couldn't believe it. "Oh my gosh, In my private time this God, I wrote something in my journal that God told me. You'll never believe it If I just tell you. Wait here while I go get it. She came back and showed me. God had told her she had too much on her plate and that she needed to simplify her life, especially since she was engaged to be married a second time and GOd would leave it to her as to what responsibilities she gave up. So not only did I learn by sharing that I did hear 100% correct from God but in sharing with her, she also learned she had heard for sure correctly from God. I have many such examples in life where God tested me, never scolded me for doubting because it was a process, as long as I learned in the end, that was all He wished for me. No, this example doesnt share what GOd has to say about men and women being equally loved, and that both are equally important and needed to make an effective team, but it does share that we can eventually get to a place where God is the one we turn to and get the truth from. It is all about having a personal relationship with God. We say we do. I did. But I finally realized, hey, I talk to my mom and dad and they talk to me in conversation but I truly didn't have that with God. With conversing missing in our relationship with God, we are left open to be tormented unnecessarily but what we are told is Gods words or wish for us when it may not be. The bible has truths but it also has parts that are now misleading with some of it left out and destroyed. So for you to have peace and know that what God tells you is the truth, no matter that the Bible says differently or seems to be vague on some things, God slowly brought me to a place where I have no fear of people and what they will think, I don't decide to do what I do for God because I am more worried about seeming like a heritic or back slidden to church goers, but like King David, my one desire is to always be pleasing God. In fact on two occasions, God spoke to two different ladies, one not even from my church to tell me, I know this might sound strange but God asked me to tell you something, its that He is still pleased with you. It doesnt make sense to me. Then I told the people that it made perfect sense to me. It was like basking in the praise you get from Mom or Dad when you were taught how to do something and you finally did it right.

As a result of how I have had my life touched in the ways it has been by hearing from Him, I feel like attending church is now like going back to Kindergarten. Not bragging as I know I have a far way to go but its what is talked about in some scriptures like 1 Corinthians 3:1,2 "Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly -- mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. (My belief is that in most congregations, it is geared only for babies and the teachings are there, much like parents train us to do everything from how to go potty, to hold a spoon, ride a bike, how to treat others, etc. It is the basics. I have checked out so many churches and they are all the same. You find maybe 3 people in each who are where I am spiritually in what they hear from God. When I've asked why they still stay, they tell me because God told them to stay there, not for themselves but to be there and be ready to share something with another person so they can learn to trust God and have that personal walk with Him. In that case, they are doing what they should be.

Another verse: Heb 5:12 By now you should have been teachers, but once again you need to be taught the simplest things about what God has said. You need milk instead of solid food. (half the problem is that even church leaders, pastors themselves struggle with the knowledge of hearing from God and moving on from baby stuff to a more advanced part of our walk with God. The basics are important and it is important to have fellowship, thats like kids in a daycare learning how to play nicely with others. Once you know that, its time to move on to higher levels of teaching. I had a pastor not share a sermon one Sunday but admit that he had no idea what to tell us because he wasn't able to hear from God any longer. He said he could once upon a time but everytime he asked God what was wrong, God only said, Go back and do what I told you to do the last time I asked." He said he couldn't remember and looked helpless. I was shocked. What I realized from that is that is Gods way of teaching him something, something I had learned already straight from God. I am not a church leader and God is harder on those who lead others because HE wouldn't want someone to be leading people astray. So while I was given a choice to share that word with Shelly or not, our Pastor may have not fully trusted God or his Ability to hear from God and chose not to do something very important he was told to do. It may have been something that he must do to learn, before he can progress to the next 'grade' level for souls. God doesn't let us pass on to the next grade level like schools do today because they are worried about kids feeling being hurt. God will allow you to stay put at whatever level you are at or progress on as fast as you learn from God and really get it. There is no time limit like a test in which you have to complete or get it. Again, I fear I may not be answering your question but it is what I feel God is telling me to share with you hon. I am hoping that what I have shared gives you hope. It is not an easy or instant answer to your spiritual questions or the one in particular. But I know no better source than going to our Creator to learn and be taught. The church just isn't structured to show us how to advance in our growth as believers. I am closer to God now than I was during the days I attended church. Not saying church is bad, unfortunately it seems to be set up only for , lets call it, stage one in our christian life. The fact that something doesn't make sense to you and hearing such differing opinions means you are where I was at when God knew I was ready to learn to not only hear from him but learn to trust myself that I could hear correctly because sometimes we may hear something we don't want to hear but know its from God. Same as parents tell us to do something or lay down the rules we don't want to hear. Please do write me again with your thoughts of what I've written and if you feel ready to take that next step of spiritual growth to hear and trust God 100%. Only then will you get the answers you seek. If God tells you like he tells me that He can't give me an answer right now because my soul isn't ready yet, then I am content to wait. I certainly don't want the stress of trying to jump from 2nd grade to Senior year of high school and skip all else between.

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I've been through a lot in my life, and a lot of people have hurt me. I've been sexually harassed/violated/abused, I watched my brother be brutally abused for several years, I've dealt with mental illness and eating disorders, I've watched my friends attempt suicide, I've had friends kill themselves while I'm on the phone with them--the list goes on.
My problem is that I forgive people too quickly. I can't help but still want to be friends with the people that have hurt me. I was "best friends" with the guy(s) that sexually abused and violated me, to the point where my legs were always bruised and I was covered in cuts and scrapes. They were my best friends until one of them moved and the other told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore for some reason. Also, the person who abused my brother has always been both a huge negative influence on me and also a role model.

Whenever I'm with these people, I feel an attraction to them that I can't shake off, but I also have constant flashbacks to what they've done that are triggered by tiny things.

I'm not even in high school yet, and I've already experienced a lot of things that not even grown adults have gone through. Maybe it's the hormones that confuse my brain and make me feel this way about the people. Maybe it's the substance abuse.

Why do I still feel an attraction to the people that have wronged me so much and scarred me for life? Should I let them go even though I care for them so much?

I have a little different of an opinion. Forgiveness is important. Not forgiving can eat you up inside. It's a state of mind and heart. The nice thing is you don't have to tell the person you forgive them. Most the time they don't see they've done anything wrong and they don't have to accept your forgiveness for you to reap the benefits of peace.

However, I also believe that there isn't such a thing as forgiving too soon or too late. What you are calling 'forgiving too soon' is a matter of actually trusting a person too soon. Trust is the word of importance here.
I will give my life example to shed light on what I mean.
My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. After 30 years, I finally left him. If I was like many people, I had plenty reason to feel bitter against him, wish the worst things to happen to him and suspect all other men of being the same. I did not. I have to admit here that I am a spiritual person and that had an effect on how I worked through this. In talks with God, I realized that I had done nothing wrong to warrant the treatment the ex gave me. I also asked God why He had told me to go ahead and marry this guy when I asked. I see life on earth as settings in which our soul can grow and mature. That doesn't happen with an easy cushy life. The same with diamonds. They are formed under great pressure in the earth. If I didn't experience the pressures of some awful things, there would not have been the ability for my soul to grow and mature. So I realized that some one had to play the part of 'Judas' and that was my ex. It could have been worse where I was physically beaten as well. SO I choose to see my marriage to him as an opportunity to grow. If you are curious and want to know what I learned from it, you can message me from my column.

So I did forgive him, but that did not mean I would trust him again. My eyes were opened to see that he had not changed. No matter how many times he said he was sorry, it was empty words. It was due to my being able to spot other men like him by subtle signs that helped me avoid dating any after the divorce.

Since you say you are not in HS yet, I can share something that will help you understand why you are not making the best decisions for yourself'

The prefrontal cortex of the brain is a little immature in teenagers as compared to adults; it may not fully develop until your mid-20s [source: Kotulak]. ... An area of the teenager's brain that is fairly well-developed early on, though, is the nucleus accumbens, or the area of the brain that seeks pleasure and reward. So that is why young people will seek instant rewards and what feels good, like having a bf so others may envy you. The part of brain that isn't mature yet, means you are a bit crippled as far as making good decisions for yourself and being able to see repercussions of any of your actions down the road before you even make a choice. Therefore I would recommend you stop dating. This doesn't mean you can't have male classmates as friends. However, you need to be very picky in who you even have as friends. There isn't a way to turn off attraction to others. Attraction is a normal process for people as long as they are being attracted to good traits in others whether for friends or bf. When at your age, you will start to notice a trait you like in someone. Write down what it is. By time you reach your mid twenties, it should be a very full and precise list of what you are looking for in a life long mate or husband and father of your children. ANd no, its not too early to start. You will change your list over time, removing things and adding others. So lets say you discover you are more attracted to blonde guys than brunette, put that on your list, you like the sound of a guys voice or laugh, you like his sense of humor, thats all good and goes on the list. But deeper things are important too like slow to anger, builds you up with words instead of tearing you down, is patient, never raises his voice to you, etc...
If a guy has one or two good traits, but the rest are bad, this doesnt mean its okay to be with him. Your attraction is to the few positive traits. He is also immature in the brain area and making bad decisions. Hopefully he becomes a better person in the future but then again, such a person may even become worse as time goes on. The thing to keep in mind as you experiment with dating is to learn what you do like and don't like in a guy. Yes, make a list of all the things you don't like. As for all the other unrelated but terrible things you have experienced so far, I can only guess that perhaps God is putting on the pressure to get you to wake up and want to change your life in this area for the better. You don't have control over friends committing suicide for example but you do have the ability to affect your own life in a positive way.

Now about the 'bad Guy effect'. Many females feel attracted to the bad guy type. As a female myself, My opinion is that women want something from males that is often easier to find in the bad guy type. That does not mean he is a good choice. Lets examine what examples of things a female might be attracted to in this link to an article on bad boys versus nice boys:

https://www.majorleaguedating.com/traits-bad-boys-nice-guys/

If you read the things females are attracted to, it makes sense. I like all those things too. However, a female can find those traits easier in a bad boy than in a nice guy. It takes more hunting and looking around to find males who are positive loving caring people deep down inside and also have these traits a bad boy has but it wells up from a personality that is inherently a good person. Self confidence for example attracts men to women and women to men more than even the actual looks of the person according to psychologists and many tests done on people. I am self confident myself and I am a positive loving nurturing type of person instead of negative, looking to create fights or tension or bitchy all the time. I would not be attracted to a man without self confidence and the body language that shows he's comfortable in his own skin/body. I am attracted to a guy who is not afraid to tell it like it is without sugar coating, who trusts me enough to be himself. But that does not mean I want a guy who chooses negative words and verbal attacks and verbal abuse of me as I experienced with my ex. Before taking action to date someone, get to know them as just a friend, and that way you don't have to go through breaking up with them. If a guy isn't willing to go through this stage with you, he isn't worth it. If there are situations or guys behavior you are not sure about, don't think it has to be a one time thing where you ask here. Just write to me from my column and explain what's going on and get my opinion. It would be even better if you had some adults in your life that you trust and feel comfortable enough to talk to in detail of all this stuff. But if it must be here only, please just write any time you are not sure about something a guy says or does. I might not be able to explain what he meant by it or what was going on in his mind, but I hopefully can share enough to help you be able to make the best decisions for yourself. Yes, I am older, but I raised 3 daughters so I am familiar with current day relationships and dating.

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