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Trying to help a friend
I have this friend and he used to like me, but as soon as he met my friend he immediately moved on. I told him I was not interested, but I was annoyed and upset with how fast he moved on. That told me he wasn't very interested in me in the first place and it made me feel like he was desperate. Now, I am not interested in my friend in a romantic matter but he got over me pretty quickly. Now, he met my friend I want to say a couple of years ago. Ever since then, he will not stop talking about her. And so I encourage him to talk to her and to hang out with her. The problem is, she is not very responsive and I told him, she is VERY busy. I told him she enjoys his company and has fun with him. He talks about her NON-STOP. He tries messaging her and she does not always get back to him. At times there has been a week or two when she does not reply. I then told him to wait and not to give up. He got back to her, but, still she does not always reply right away. She has had a crappy last relationship and I feel like maybe she isn't ready for a relationship. He is very eager and initiates conversations with her. I do not know how often he has tried to contact her or how many times they have hung out. He also gets upset and he says CONSTANTLY he is going to move on. Then he starts talking about her, loses hope then says again he's moving on. I tell him many things like, if she isn't very responsive and does not get back to you, I do not think she is interested. He thinks she is very sweet and I think she is very kind to everyone. She's very polite and I think she might even have a hard time facing certain situations and does not want to hurt people's feelings. I tried endlessly saying to him, "if someone was pick and choosy with me, I wouldnt put up with it and I'd respect myself to move on like I did" or youve tried and you might want to hint on how you feel. I feel like he either might be beating a dead horse or beating around the bush. He's driving himself crazy about it and he talks about it basically everytime I talk to him, even though I like to follow through to see how my friend is doing.
Any advice? I don't think he is listening to me lol. He might as well figure out the hard way, or if not, maybe she will like him back.
What do you think? Would you say anything else to him? Actions speak louder than words, so if there isn't much response than move on right?
I apologize for grammar errors and thank you for reading.
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Sounds like he doesn't want to listen to you. You've told him countless times to no avail. If its driving you crazy that that's all he talks about, you could tell him that if you two are gonna hang out, she is off limits. Explain to him that you've given your advice and he won't listen. And that you're tired of going over the same shit every time you see him. So make it very clear that the topic of her is off limits when you are hanging out.
Maybe he was desperate and since she didn't outright reject him like you did, he got his hopes up, now he's all clingy with this girl. But yeah, he has to move on.
About the part where you got annoyed and upset that he moved on. I've found that taking 100% responsibility for things brings ease to your mind. Even if its not really your fault or responsibility. I used to hang out with this girl, she was cool most of the time, but sometimes she was an unapologetic, evil bitch. I did nothing wrong, but she would take out her frustrations and anger at me. So I took 100% responsibility for her acting that way towards me. After all, I was the one that went to visit her. Knowing that she can be like that. So it really is MY FAULT. If I made it my fault and my responsibility, I could control how I feel about me own decisions that brought this outcome and learn from them.
In your case, take responsibility too. After all, you rejected him. Own that, take responsibility for that. The consequence was that he moved on. Accept it, you'll feel better. Don't blame him for moving on rapidly. After all, you're the one that told him to. Take responsibility for your words and actions. You'll feel better because you have noone to blame.
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I'll start with how you felt annoyed when he moved on so easily when you said you weren't interested in dating. I'd like to teach you something to keep in your mind to help you navigate the dating world in the future. People are initially attracted by looks. That doesn't mean they will like or be a perfect fit for someone at a deeper level. You may like some things about them early on, like their smile, how they dress, their sense of humor. But that is not enough to make for a dating relationship. Initially dating if attracted on romantic/sexual level is to get to know the person at an even deeper level to see if you still like them. There has to be chemistry. Two people can be so vastly different, have no bad habits or character faults and yet be wrong for each other. That is one reason a person may not stick with you. The other is not having the initial interest returned. That's chemistry or scientifically the kind of chemistry caused by having pheromones that are enough alike to have that instant bond or desire to want that person. I even need a connection of some sort to enjoy having someone as a friend, not just in a dating or mate
relationship.
I am guessing you're both in your teens or early twenties...a time when we don't have much life experience yet to know how to handle things like this. Not that it needs much handling. It needs more real communicating but I remember that age myself and there was too much angst and not being brave enough to ask the questions that needed to be asked for fear the answer might not be what I want to hear. And that is where this guy is at. He is likely afraid to find out that she isn't as interested in him as he is in her. Too many young girls are so desperate to appear normal to her peers and beleives that being normal means you have a bf that we tend to accept the first guy who asks us to date even if we don't like him as much, thinking maybe he'l grow on us. Wrong move. And thats why there is so much break ups and dating each other for short periods when we are younger. There are exceptions to the rule, always but in general, what I speak of is what happens with most people. No matter how busy a guys life is, if you had a guy who claimed he had feelings for you, you'd want him to respond to you even if it is in short bits on the phone, right? The same goes here for that gal. No matter how busy are tired she is, if she truly is crazy about him, she'd find the time to contact him. So obviously she either doesnt care as much as he does, thinks of him more as a friend than a bf, or she's decided after while she doesnt' like him at all and hasn't had the guts to tell him and break up. Sure his feelings will be hurt but we all recover from these mismatches in dating eventually. Imagine how much worse he'd feel if she led him on for years saying she loved him and then broke up with him as soon as some hot guy that really makes her salivate, starts paying her attention and wants to date. That would be a lot worse. he may have a problem thinking there's something wrong with him if you refused him and now she's doing the same in a different way and he's afraid of moving on because he'd have to admit defeat. What he needs to know about dating and relationships is what we finally know hopefully by time we are in our late thirties or in our forties if going just by life experience. Or you could point him at checking out you tube videos on how to find the right person for you, dating do's and don't and so on. I have researched this stuff. SOme of it is professional and others from ordinary folks like me who learned something and want to pass it on and other stuff is just stupid, junk and not worth your time to watch. Or he could get books at library or book store on knowing what to look for in a relationship. IF you are young, then it will still be a learn as you go in what you read, but eventually you will have more successes. Young guys are more in love with the idea of dating, and having a girlfriend than with making a commitment to be exclusive with her. That often doesn't come until a guy is mid 20s or older and for some it's older like way into their 30s. It all depends on how fast you learn and how brave you are to take what you have learned and act upon it, carrying it out. Eventually he will, and you will find the right partner for yourself, sooner than later.
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