|
Confused and looking for closure; break up
So my ex(M23) and I (F22) will have been broken up a month on Saturday. We were together almost eight months when he broke up with me because he's "not ready for a relationship".
For me the break up came completely out of the blue, granted he'd been acting odd and distant for a couple of weeks but he'd also been dealing with a lot of stress between work (got turned down for the job he wanted), university (failed his module and has to resit), and his car (rear ended a brand new Audi 3k worth of damage). So with recent events in mind I assumed he was just stressed; was smoking more often than I've ever known him to (didn't smoke at all November/December and had quit, January/February it was like dating an industrial chimney), had bitten down all his nails so bad they were perpetually raw, wasn't eating right and had lost a lot of weight, wasn't sleeping properly and was complaining about muscle tension in his neck, and wasn't interested/able to maintain an erection during sex. All of these things are indicators of stress. I tried to talk to him about it a couple of times but he would just wave me off, or straight up ignore me towards the end. The one night we were texting amicably and stress was brought up and I tried to talk to him about it then, letting him know I'm here if he wants to talk or needs help with anything, but he stopped replying and in fact didn't talk to me until we met he following night to go to the cinema with his sister and our mutual best friend. I apologised for 'overthinking' (he used to say I was doing that whenever I'd try to talk to him about a concern I had with our relationship) and he told me I had 'nothing to apologise for'.
The next week went fine. We had a lot of snow and living twenty miles apart we weren't able to see each other. The last time we had snow (December) he was insistent that he wanted to see me, texting me telling me how much he missed me etc, this time I barely heard from him. Knew he was day drinking and getting high with his housemate and if I mentioned missing him or sent a flirty text he would ignore me completely. I knew things were different but I also knew that if I brought them up he'd accuse me of 'overthinking' and dismiss me again.
Six days after our movie date and once the snow had cleared he text me in a way that he hasn't in a long time; he was flirty and teasing and told me he was going to take me to dinner and a movie the next night, and I was so excited. I figured that maybe a couple of days off from work because of the snow had allowed him some breathing space and he was finally feeling better.
I was wrong. He arrived at the cinema a little after me and when he got out of the car I could tell something was amiss. When I asked if he was okay, he said "not really" and proceeded to fall into the crook of my neck and just stay there. I held on to him as he started to cry, didn't press for further information just held him close until he felt comfortable to talk.
When he finally pulled away he asked if we could "talk about us" and that was the moment I knew. He went on to explain that he doesn't feel he's "ready for a relationship" and that he jumped into things to quickly after his last relationship. They were together five years and things were extremely toxic. He'd been trying to break up with her for a year before he finally did. They'd only been separated two months before he met me and he explained to me that at that time he'd only been thinking about all the good things he missed with his ex.
He assured me I wasn't a rebound but I'm finding that hard to believe now. He called me the "loveliest person" he knows and apologised for hurting me, finishing with "you've always deserved a person a lot better than what you've had before, I'm sorry I can't be that person right now. I hope that at the very least you've taken away from this how you should be treated. I know I have. I don't want you out of my life completely. I love you too."
At the time I was too in shock to say much on my own behalf. I spent much of the conversation reassuring him through my own tears as I was wiping his away. I made bad jokes to lighten things and offered him my hand as we walked back to our cars. Later that night I text him to let him know he'd done the right thing and not to beat himself up about it like I knew he was going to. Now I'm not so sure. He'd clearly known for a while that he didn't want to be with me, so why lead me on with false hope? Especially with all the flirty Casanova bullshit the night before he dumped me. I can understand breaking up with me was hard, he's terrible with his emotions and never lets anyone in, so to see him cry so openly in front of me told me enough that this break up was hurting him too.
However, because I was too dumbstruck to collect my thoughts that night I've now been left with a million and one questions and things that I'm desperate to say, to get my side out because why is it fair that only he got to say his piece and I never did? I spent our whole relationship putting him first and even surprised myself at my capability to love so selflessly, there was never a moment when he was not a priority to me. I supported him in every way I could, helping him with his university assignments because his writing wasn't academic enough (he'll likely get disqualified for plagiarism now. The guilt over that cripples me). I spent eight months rebuilding his self-esteem and confidence after his ex destroyed it, showing him how he deserved to be treated and remind him that he is a wonderful person. Hell, I was driving eighty miles a week just to see him.
My point is, I have a lot that I'd like to say to him, things I didn't get to say because he took me by surprise. I could sense something was wrong but never dreamt it would have been our relationship. There were no arguments, no cheating. He told me he loved me for the first time in January and eight weeks later broke up with me. That doesn't make sense to me.
And then he texted me on my birthday, nothin major but considering I used to have to remind him to text our best friend on his birthday, I was surprised to see that he'd remembered mine.
I'm just confused and I'd like closure. Do I bother asking him to meet so I can clear my own thoughts? Or do I just power through and leave it?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Sometimes a person can feel love for someone, to the point they don't want to pull them down with them as they wallow and drown in their own life. He knows he is not a stable strong self confident man. YOu sound like you are such a woman. If it obvious to him how vastly different he is. The problem is, he is not ready to see a counselor because he definitely needs that. Not because he has mental illness or smokes or whatever, just because he isn't ready for a relationship with anyone, even if it was you, because he needs to work on himself. Having a gf/bf in the life of a person who needs to work on themselves is only going to be a distraction. Also while working on oneself, it should be in conjunction with assignments ones personal professional counselor is aware of and working with said person. He is not ready for help.
In any relationship that is a normal healthy one, if any difficulties come along such as the awful things that happened to him all at once, the stress should make partners turn to each other for strength and consoling and building up. You were willing, but he had to be too and he wasn't. That is his problem. My first marriage was like that, where I was the only one trying, doing and being the adult and he was avoiding getting any real help and believe me, he needed counseling. A retired counselor friend spoke to him and told him if he wanted to save our marriage, he better get in for counseling as he was the one with issues that needed counseling. Both partners need to put in equal effort to make a relationship work. I understand you may love him. But you met under the worst of circumstances and it still could have worked if he turned to you and was willing to let you help and also see a counselor to get over whatever subconsciously is holding him back. It is a major problem that would kill your relationship sooner than later even if you had stayed together. If you wish to give him time to deal with his own life and get himself together and to a healthier place, then thats up to you. However, if he is showing no desire to improve himself with professional help, just muddling through on his own is not going to make things better. If he never really tries, he could go through life being like this all the way through. I also thought that being loving and supportive would help my ex husband. It did not. And yet I kept staying until I heard from God it was time to leave, because he wouldn't grow as a person until I was gone. He's grown, but only very little, not enough to me to have lasted. The stress on me since I was also mistreated, was messing with my health due to stress. Being supportive is good as long as a person is plugged into some kind of professional help like AA for alcoholics, mental health counseling if suffering from such a thing, or a regular life coach type of counseling even as long as the person in taking to heart what they are taught and really working on those things and are able to see improvement in their lives.
You already saw that he spilled his guts to you, but it was all about him and unfortunately has always been just about him and he has not been able to or even thought of being there for you and letting you have your say where he is really listening and responding.
You may have a personality trait of where you can't help but want to be nurturing and help and fix things. Thats fine as long as you have an outlet other than a bf, mate, husband to fulfill that need in you. I am like that. I put my nurturing, supportiveness and teaching by example into my children and also with my garden, and I enjoyed handling problems at work that needed improving and better ways of doing things. It just might be that such a trait exists in you that has caused you to want and try for so long to help. But unless you have the schooling and the degree to do professional counseling, and he is a willing, instead of resistant patient, then you can not help him. All you can do if you contact him at all is suggest he see a counselor who deals with helping a person to improve their life. He knows his life is not normal.
I would mention these words of his: ""you've always deserved a person a lot better than what you've had before, I'm sorry I can't be that person right now. I hope that at the very least you've taken away from this how you should be treated. I know I have. I don't want you out of my life completely. I love you too." Remind him he said 'right now' he isn't that person. That means he is hoping that someday he can be. But insist that won't happen for him if he doesnt go for professional help. It doesn't make him any less of a person. It is a brave thing to do, to seek help. But if he refuses, despite the fact you both love each other, there isn't any future for you two to be together. See if he will respond to that. If he doesn't either you hang around waiting forever which may never come or you find a way to force your way back into his life and let your love for him die a slow death. Yes, I loved my ex when we first married. But love is like money you deposit in a bank saving account. You can't have money in your account without making deposits into that account. When your bf kept drawing out the need for love but never returning the same action and doing things for you that were acts of love, and essentially making love deposits into your heart, you had to make those deposits yourself. ITs not the same thing and not real deposits. Your heart remains empty and unloved. Your love for him will only go so many years before it finally tires and dies out. It did for me and its done so for many women friends who have shared their situations. Their love eventually died out when it was never returned after months or more likely years and years of not being returned. I have a new husband now for 9 years and he is constantly saying and doing things that are acts of love and making so many love deposits that my love for him is overflowing. When the day comes that I lose him to death, I will feel bankrupt. That is the kind of love I wish everyone had. Maybe you are meant to learn it all the hard way, I don't know hon. Whatever you do, just remember to learn from your mistakes and never settle for less.
]
More Questions: |