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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
My situation is quite common I think, however, I have no idea what can I do about this, so need your professional expertise, please.
I broke up with my 2 years pakistani ex boyfriend in April 2013, During our relationship he would ask me to pay for something small from my card, first he has said he lost his, then it was in overdraft, then he could not use it as he has bad credit history, he would ask now and then for 100-300 in cash, he could sometimes check my bag for money first to make sure i have it, Then in August 2012 he has persuaded me to sell my car in order to cover his office rent, through the garage he knew (I have contract of that sale), part of the money in cash they would give him straight into his hands, the other part as bank transfer on my bank account, from which I've made a transfer to pay to his landlord to cover the office rent, at that moment I was helping and working in his office, they have family-run cab office. Also I have got hand written and signed by him contract, that states that he will give me all the money by the end of the 2012 year, by small amounts every week and the rest in lump sum at the end of the Olympic Games season, as he was waiting for big payment, plus he promised to give it back with percentages, however by today he still owns me the full amount, and would give me back only what he offered on a top and only after long chasing, and through one of his sister (I have insisted on bank transfer from her), also i have text messages from him where he mentions the amount and other evidence, at the same time tried to cause me other harm of non physical nature. I have agreed for him to transfer small amounts of money and was in touch with his mom who would tell me that he will give it all to me, but very slowly,( from 2nd Aug 2012 it was over a year!) now they just ignoring my calls or texts, I do not mean to cause any harm for him or his business as he is supporting his big family, and in April opened another business. I know that I was very naive to trust him but at that time I just genuinely wanted to help my boyfriend..Overall it's been eyeopening experience, therefore I feel that if I can do something about it I would like to know what exactly!
Thank you in advance and highly appreciate any given advice.
Sincerely,
A
The Answer
You need to either take him to small claims court. (Him, personally, not the business) or you need to accept that this money is gone.
I have an ex-boyfriend who owed me $400 after we broke up. Honestly, I considered that a fair price to pay to never have to speak to him again. Although I have never bothered to tell him as much, I have forgiven the debt. That money is gone. You could also decide to simply let this go.
If you want to take him to court, you would probably be fine to do this through small claims court. Although you aren't explicit about the amount of money owing, most small claims courts will let you sue for up to $10,000 or even $25,000, and it sounds like that will cover you.
You should be able to google your home town and 'small claims' and get some direction of how to start the process, or you can simply call a local library - they often have the answers you need to those sorts of questions as well.
You certainly have the evidence you need to win in small claims court. Once you have won, if he still doesn't pay up, you then get some special powers from the court that can help you: like garnishing his wages or seizing some of his property.
Don't forget that going to small claims court will cost you some money - you don't really need a lawyer, but there are fees and time off work to consider. And it wont be all said in done in 15 minutes like on TV. It will take months to get it settled, and then possibly months more to actually collect.
So it's up to you. Depending on the amount owed, it might be worth your time and effort.
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The Question
Hi, I am a fourteen year old girl. My parents are divorced and have been since I was six years old. I love them both very much and I really appreciate everything they have done for me, I am truly blessed to have them in my life. They are so supportive of me but.. I find myself happier at my fathers. My real father actually respects me..when I'm having a rough time he almost always tries to see things from my perspective and never invades my privacy. My father and I have so much fun together, but he has missed out on the past seven or eight years of my life and I think it is time for my father to have a turn..you know? My stepdad doesn't respect me very much but he does keep a roof over my head, and food in my stomach, and clothes on my back. My mother,. she is amazing. I love her so much.. although sometimes she can drive everyone in the same room nuts at the same time, I love her very much. I dont want to hurt anyones feelings or make them feel like I am trying to push them away.. I am just a bit confused on how I should go about this but how should I go about moving in with my father? How should I ask my mother without hurting her feelings? Does it matter what makes me happy or my parents? Thank you in advance.
The Answer
Honestly, if you have been spending the majority of your time at your moms, and she and your stepdad are your primary care-givers, than of course you like your dad's place better.
Your dad doesn't have to discipline you day to day. If he has more distance from everyday issues or disagreement, it's easier for him to listen impartially. If he sees you less, he is more focused on making the time you have together enjoyable.
If you ask to live with your dad full-time, it will almost definitely hurt your mother's feelings. That's just reality. There is no way to get around that. If this is what you want, you can ask for it but you can't control how your mom feels about it.
However, before you ask your mother, you should ask your father. You are still a very young teenager. You are still a lot a work to parent every day, even if you don't notice what goes into that. If your father is used to a custody arrangement where he only sees you on weekends, or a few weeks a year, than he might not be prepared to take you in full time. His job, or his home might not make it a good place for a young teen.
It does matter what makes you happy, and you should ask about living with your dad if that is what you want. But you have to face a few basic facts when you do that:
The first is that you are asking for a larger commitment from your dad, and might be thrilled to do that or want to do it, but he might also not be able too, or not be able too right away.
The second is that your mother will have feelings about you wanting to live with your dad. As kind and gentle as you may be to her, she might still feel unhappy, or betrayed, or confused, and you can't stop her from having those feelings.
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The Question
I am a member of a sports federation. I have requested signed off minutes from a committee meeting. It has been declined.
Can they do this?
I believed that under the freedom of speech act section 4 (hope thats correct) and the fact they are a legal documents. And as such I can request sight of them.
The Answer
You should ask a lawyer, but unless your Federation is the type of organization that must make these minutes public, or has a bylaw or rule that states all members are entitled to committee meeting minutes, than no, you probably don't have a legal right to them.
It doesn't matter that they are 'legal' documents, not all legal documents are public documents. You couldn't demand to see your co-workers employment contract, or the minutes from a committee meeting at Zellers. Those might well be official or 'legal' documents, but they are also private documents. They might be demanded by a lawyer or judge as part of a case, but you have no right to them as an individual.
The right to Freedom of Speech covered by the First Amendment doesn't have anything to say about information access (and there is no act by the name you give here that can find in the US, so if you aren't in the US you should include that fact.)
The Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) only applies to government documents, and some private organizations that do take contracts with the government (ie, FOIA might apply to information regarding the companies that pave roads or build public schools.)
Some non-profits are also required to release some types documents on the request of a citizen or member.
In the end tho, you should ask a lawyer. They'll know what the deal is with this specific federation, and your specific country/state.
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The Question
Hi guys, can anyone tell me where to get the latest games for for download full and free on my pc.
I really need your help as i intend to download Assassins Creed black flag the moment it is out.
The Answer
If you want it the moment it comes out, you must buy it legally.
No one here is going to tell you how to download a game illegally - it's against the rules of the site to give advice on how to do something criminal.
More practically, there simply won't be free, illegal downloads for several days, perhaps even weeks after release. It takes some time to crack a game, and and often a bit of know how to install a cracked game.
What you want isn't going to exist on day one of release.
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The Question
If i have had anti duo hiv test antibodies and antigens would they have detected one or both as i have just received my negative result bu my exposure was 16 months ago, was that the correct test to have or should i have had a different hiv test, as i think that my antibodies and antigen were a an undetectable level so they could not of been found.
The Answer
The information you've provided here is not perfectly clear and no one here is a doctor. We cannot tell you if the proper tests were administered.
IF YOU DO NOT TRUST YOUR DOCTOR TO MAKE SURE YOU GET THE CORRECT TEST YOU MUST SEE A DIFFERENT DOCTOR.
A DUO test is a combination test that detects antibodies for HIV-1 (and sometimes for HIV-2 as well, which is much less common in the US) as well as a protein called p24, which forms part of the core of both types of HIV. This is the most recently developed, type of HIV test, and will be the correct test to have had in the vast majority of situations.
There is another test called the PCR (or RNA) test, which is used to detect HIV infection in the newborn children of HIV positive women. This test is more expensive, and not really necessary for cases of adult exposure.
IF YOUR DOCTOR CANNOT ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS FOR YOU, YOU MUST SPEAK TO ANOTHER DOCTOR.
We are not doctors. We do not know your history, or your symptoms. We do not know exactly what tests you have had administered, or their results. You MUST speak to a health care provider. If you cannot trust your current health care provider, you must speak to another.
You should also speak to a counsellor or therapist if you can. Asking repeated questions on this site is not a healthy way to be managing your stress over these symptoms.
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The Question
I have just received my hiv results after 16 months ago since i exposed my self to be in this situation has been a nightmare, this is my tenth test on august 19th got the negative result, but why am i having tongue ulcers, gastro problems, lyph nodes on neck hurt , white spots back of throat and on tongue, rash on neck not lost any weight apart from s couple of pounds. My last exposureveas 27th april 2012 , my last trst negative 19 august 2013 approx 16 months ago and i have not had any kind of sex since, so why do i still think ive got latency hiv with my symptons. Im meeting An HIV Clinician - councellor which my doctor referred me to, hopefully he can help.
The Answer
I don't know. We aren't doctors. Perhaps you should go and see another doctor, as well as the HIV Clinician, because you almost certainly don't have HIV.
The odds of even one test providing a false negative is extremely rare. (In 2005 the CDC put the number of false-negative HIV results in the States at 0.03%). After 10 negtative tests, you've got a much better chance of being killed by falling space junk than being HIV positive.
Please, Please, PLEASE stop coming to the internet for advice. We can't help you. See doctors. Get different expert opinions. Clearly something is wrong, but your irrational focus on HIV is NOT helpful to you at this point. You are compromising your mental health by focusing on a virus that has been very effectively ruled out.
After a year and six tests - all coming back negative - you need to accept that as conclusive proof that you are HIV negative.
Please, see a different doctor than the one who has ordered 10 HIV tests and sent you to an HIV specialist. That sounds like a doctor who is all out of ideas and can't help you further. You need someone who can take a fresh look at your symptoms and think outside of this HIV box.
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The Question
well yesterday a girl messaged me on facebook and she basically said my boyfriend was cheating on me and she sent me pictures of the messages between her and my boyfriend. so i screenshot what she said and sent it to him but he said she played his friend tim so he played her to get back. he put it on his moms grave, and god. i mean i dont know what to do should i believe him or what? do i keep questioning him ? and i know that he wouldnt lie on his deciesed mother but i dont know im just confused.
btw one messahge he sent said : aww baby i lov you. yoiu makin meh blush but i like it
2. when she leave but she taking a shower baby you wanna get freaky baby ( a while later ) do you baby
3. oh sorry i lost my fone baby dis my friends stuff but baby ima try too call you ima see if he tripping i love you thoo
but after he told me all that he messages her and told her he was just playing her and she sent me the messages. like wtf do i do ?
The Answer
You tell him he acted like an asshole.
Your boyfriend might honestly have only meant to be a complete, utter, cruel jerk to this girl. He might not have intended to betray his relationship with you.
So, he *might* not be cheating, in my opinion, but that doesn't mean what he did was okay.
Even if he was only trying to 'play her' what he did was awful. Immature. Disgusting and dishonest. He betrayed your trust when he lied to her about being interested in her.
I would be seriously pissed off with my boyfriend if he expressed such poor judgment and such cruelty to another person.
I think if you believe he cheated, you need to dump him.
If you think he probably only meant to be cruel to her, then you need to at least give him a very serious, no holding back, tongue lashing, where you express just how disgusting and low that behaviour was, as well as how unfair it was for his joke to 'cause you so much pain and confusion.
Even if you believe him, he needs to know that nothing like this can ever happen again.
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The Question
So about a month ago I went to this summer camp for violin and so during the camp, I hooked up with my teachers son 2 nights in a row who is like 6 years older than me ( I'm 17 he's 23) . What made me feel bad afterwards was that I have known this guy for the longest time of my life( I've taken lessons with his mom ever since I was 5 years old ) ... Although we never talked until that time at camp I just felt like it was so weird you know ? Especially since my teacher is like my aunt to me ! And like I only did it because I felt lonely and haven't been feeling wanted for a while and because of my raging hormones ! So when I did it with him I felt so dirty and sick of myself cause I never imagined myself doing that with someone I didn't love. I felt hollow and empty . But the thing was that I think the guy may have started developing feelings cause when we got back from camp he would message me to come over to his place and chill. I didn't answer his message but then he kept messaging and so then I told him off that I didn't want anything to do with him and that what happened was just a one time thin and that I would gladly like if he could just leave me alone . And so after that he was like fine. I just wante to keep my options open you know ? This will be the last time you'll ever hear from me . And then after that me befriended me on Facebook and I just feel so bad and terrible ! I don't like him ... But I just feel like i may have been too harsh ! The thought that we may still bump into each other cause I'm still taking lessons with his mom kinda makes me feel a bit antsy! Should I be feeling bad ?! Although my other friends say that I can never please everyone all the time and that i shouldn't feel bad and that I had to make myself clear , I would like other people's honest perspective of the whole situation
The Answer
You were not too harsh. You were honest and direct with him.
It's more important to be clear, than to be nice. Your friends are right: Sometimes you can't be both.
Do yourself a favour and block him on Facebook - just incase he isn't getting the message.
And Shine On! Its great that you had the strength and knowledge of your own feelings to be this direct at your age. Most women I know hit their thirties not knowing how to say "No." to men who pursue them, but they are not interested in.
Don't feel too bad. You might not have handled this perfectly, but you didn't muck it up that badly either. Maybe next time you'll find a better balance between being nice and being clear, but when rejecting someone, it's always much more important to be clear.
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The Question
Hi, I'm a 18 year old girl in a college in the US. I'd REALLY appreciate any advice.
I am not sure what to do this Saturday. A few days ago, I invited two girls I met at church called Sally and Christina to hang out this Saturday. Sally is Chinese and in charge of international outreach at church, and she wanted to invite my 4 hallmates who happen to be Chinese International students too. I said that was fine and we decided to hang out downtown and have lunch together this Saturday.
Now one of my hallmates wants to invite her Chinese friend, and Sally wants to bring along about 3 more Chinese students. I like Chinese people, especially my hallmates, but the problem is whenever they are together they like to speak Chinese to each other. I'm Asian but I can't speak Chinese, so I prefer to spend time with just 1 of them so we can speak English and communicate. I don't want to spend my Saturday with 8 people who insist on speaking chinese because then I can't understand what they're saying to each other. Christina and I will feel isolated.
The problem is, last week I tried to organise a get together with CHristina and Sally last week but then I had to withdraw at the last minute because I was sick that day (I get migraines).
How can I get myself out of this Saturday get together that I myself started? I don't want to offend anybody or burn any bridges. Am I stressing too much over nothing? Should I just tell Sally and Christina the truth about how I feel?
There's another girl called Mandy who's only free on Saturday this week, and if I can withdraw from this large group gathering, I'd much rather spend time with her because I barely get to see her.
Hope that wasn't too confusing. Thanks for reading!
The Answer
You should mention to Sally that it's uncomfortable for you to be around a group of people speaking a language you don't know. Politely ask her to help you out, and keep the conversation in English.
As someone who is in charge of international outreach at a place of worship, she is probably your best advocate and can help to set any example for the rest of the people that she invited.
Why not invite Mandy along? I'm assuming Mandy also doesn't speak Chinese, and maybe doesn't look Asian either? Even having one person who they wont assume speaks Chinese might alter the nature of the group dynamic and keep the the Chinese language to a minimum.
You aren't overreacting - but you also aren't helping yourself any. Of course you don't want to feel left out of the conversation. That's perfectly fair, but it's also fair to and polite to remind people of this. They aren't horrible people for not just 'getting it'. You need to speak up for your needs.
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The Question
Imagine that you have two daughters. Your oldest is spoiled, impatient, and demanding while you youngest is about as patient as they come and very passive and calm.
When your oldest turns 16, she thinks you have to buy her a car. You buy her one because she promises to help with errands and it could make your life easier. Later, when your youngest turns 16, you know that the fair thing to do is get her a car too. You look for one, but your spouse sticks her with this ugly price of junk that the two of you didn't have to pay a dime for, so it doesn't compare to your oldest' s sports car that you bought. Also, your youngest' s car quits working only a short time after she gets it. But your oldest' s last for years.
You promise to make it up to your youngest, but the two of you have trouble getting another car, not because you can't afford one, but because problems that neither of you ever anticipated keep happening.
Your youngest, sweet, deserving, daughter has put up with so much constant disappointment and hardship (among other feelings) for so long that something you never expected has happened. You do d out that, to your discontent, she is no longer anxious or excited to get a car anymore.
You feel terrible for letting this happen because your youngest daughter has always had a passion for cars. She goes to car shows and looks at pictures of them on the internet. She can identify almost any make, model, and year of a car, but she seems to no longer care if she has one or not. She knows she needs one for convenience, but she's not excited about it. You want her to be excited because she deserves it and because your oldest daughter was overly ecstatic when she got hers, but what do you do?
The Answer
ASK HER WHAT SHE WANTS.
Excuse the all caps, but quite seriously, take a look at the money you had planned to spend on a car, and ask her what she wants.
As you've pointed out you, your younger daughter is very different than your elder. Perhaps she'd prefer a trip to a foreign country or an exciting summer camp over a nice car. Maybe a conservative, used car is just fine by her. Maybe it's just not important to her.
It's easy to say "She needs one for connivence" but maybe she doesn't find it much more than convenience.
And let your own feelings go. You have a lot of strong emotions about this issue, which is fine, but your strong feelings might be crowding out your more passive daughter and making it difficult for her to know what she is feeling and being able to express it to you.
So back off a bit. Sure, you want her to be excited, but it's not fair to put that expectation or demand on her. Chill out, and have a real honest conversation about what she wants, even give her a few days to think about it and come up with a response.
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The Question
I'm a thirteen-year-old girl, and I have an amazing mom. She does so much for me, and I want to show her how much I appreciate her. She's always there for me when I need to talk to her or if I need help with something. Recently, for instance, she let me try home school when I was so unhappy with regular school.
She does so much for me, and I want to do something for her, too -- something that will show her I really care about and appreciate her. Thank you!
The Answer
Write her a letter and tell her this.
It may seem simple to you, but trust me: She will treasure that letter more than any jewelry, spa day or nicknack.
Sit down, organize your thoughts. Take it as seriously as you'd take the most important class assignment. Tell her the truth about how much she means to you and how much you appreciate all her hard work.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I wanna move in with our friend Bob. Only problem is, bob has four dogs. This makes things complicated for moving because not a lot of places will accept that many dogs.
Also, we don't really wanna live with that many dogs. They're not the most potty trained and even if they were, someone would still have to clean up after them, and our friend bob is disabled so he'd probably ask one of us to do it, which we don't wanna do/don't think we should have too. Also obviously, 4 dougs=a lot of noise.
he's VERY attached to his dogs and doesn't wanna get rid of any of them. We don't want to give ultimatums but we feel like something needs to be said/done. We just don't know how to approach the problem without tons of drama or something worse.
Any advice on how to deal with this would be much appreciated...thanks! :)
The Answer
Don't move in with him.
You need to face the bare facts: You can't live with someone whose needs and desires are drastically different than yours. You can't live with someone whose needs (ie, a place that will allow for four dogs) prevent you from finding a place to live.
And as much as he may love his dogs, and consider them part of his family, they are not part of YOUR family, and if you don't want to take on the care of these dogs, then you can't live with him. If you move in with him, this problem will get worse, not better, and you end up feeling responsible (perhaps even being finically responsible) for damage the dogs to do the rental.
I have had roommates with dogs - very well behaved, probably trained dogs - and I've enjoyed it, but honestly I still end up doing a bit of dogs care and responsibility for them, just by virtue of living in the same place. It would have been unbearable if those roommate hadn't cared for their dog probably.
There is no ultimatum to offer. The situation he desires is not a good one for you and your boyfriend. You need to tell him that as much as you might enjoy living with him, you just don't want the same thing out of your living situation. Break out on your own.
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The Question
What should I do?
My mom took my phone while I pretended to sleep and when she gave it back I quickly checked all the recent "view history" and she friggin read all my texts and emails. This bitch pisses me off and I hate how she has to snoop around and read my personal things; where the hell is the privacy these days...
The Answer
Does she pay for the phone?
Are you a minor living in her house?
If either (or both) is true, you don't actually have privacy unless she gives it you.
Obviously, it's good parenting to give your children a degree of privacy and respect for their personal things and correspondence, but parents also have a moral obligation (under the law, seriously) to keep their children from doing things that illegal or even harmful to themselves.
I don't think your mother should read your all your emails and texts, but it's difficult to argue that she has no right to do so - if you are a minor living in her home, she can do it, even if it's not very nice.
Truth is, young people have way more privacy these days then they every had in the past, both protected in the law, and in practice in most families.
If you don't want your mom to read your phone, pay for it yourself and put a lock on it. If you don't want to do that, talk to her about it, but frankly, you shouldn't demand ABSOLUTE privacy. I'm an adult and when I live in my parents home I understand that I am forgoing a certain degree of privacy - but my mother and I have a deal - she only invades my space when she is concerned I might harm myself or someone else. Since that is our agreement, she has never had to invade my privacy since I was a young teen (and when she did it then, she was right too: I was in danger.)
Talk to your mom, but do it with an understanding that although you might feel you deserve privacy - you may not realistically get all the privacy you desire while you are a dependant living at home. Even if you aren't actually a minor, your parents will aways be your parents, so long as you live at home you will answer to them.
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The Question
My bf & I have been together for 11 months. He has quite a temper on him & Sometimes gets really angry & calls me names. It's wrong but because I'm scared of his temper, I sometimes hide things from him or not tell the truth. Usually about small things to spare his feelings (like if he got invited to a party or not)
I've tried telling him about this before but he just doesn't seem to understand that he's part of the problem. I've tried not lying/hiding but he just gets so mad when I tell the truth. Now he won't forgive me & will only do so if I post a status on facebook callingg myself a liar. Is this still love? Is this still worth it? I forgive him for all the awful things he's said to me/called me,.why cn't he forgive me
The Answer
Break up with him.
He is being abusive. Verbally abusive and a controlling bully. Forcing you to post what he says on Facebook is disgusting behaviour. He's a piece of shit.
Name-calling is not loving, and it's not worth it, especially when you are young.
Stop forgiving him. No matter how perfect you are he will NEVER love you the way you deserve to be loved. Even if you hid everything perfectly, or told the complete truth all the time - he would still abuse you. It isn't about anything you do or don't do, he's just an abuser and someone who craves control.
He can't forgive you because he doesn't want to forgive you! He wants you to always be afraid, always be desperate for his approval, so you never turn around and think to yourself "Wait a second, why am I always blamed and he is never at fault?"
Just dump him.
You shouldn't tell lies to your partner - even to protect them - but that is something you should go practice with someone else. He has already proven that he is incapable of being in a respectful relationship with you.
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The Question
I'm 14 and have terrible periods, bad acne, and sexually active. My mom has mentioned putting me on birth control before, I said no because weight is a very big concern of mine. I am going to the GYN soon and I want to ask her about it. But, knowing her, she will be stubborn and prescribe me a kind that makes me gain weight . Therefore, I would like to be able to ask her for a specific one. Any recommendations?
The Answer
For the vast, vast majority of women weight gain is not due to the birth control pill. The women whose weight gain is connected to their contraceptive use are the exception, not the rule.
Women gain, on average, 1-2 pounds a year as a normal part of ageing. This gain often get's blamed on birth control, as many women begin taking birth control just as they stop gaining heigh, and start gaining weight, but that isn't birth control's fault, that is just part of getting older.
The shot, Depo-Provera, is a different story. It has been connected to weight gain in about 1/4 of the women who use it. So that is one you will want to avoid.
Estrogen, one of the hormones in most birth control, can make it more difficult for women to loose weight they already have on. So if you are currently trying to loose weight, you'll want the pill that contains the least amount of estrogen. Low-estrogen pills have about 20 micrograms, the higher-estrogen ones will have between 30 and 40 micrograms.
So, you probably want to ask your gyno about low-estrogen options, but honestly, if you don't trust your doctor to listen to your concerns, you should probably just see a different doctor.
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The Question
Let's just start off with a background story of my friend Sarah. Sarah's always been the type of person who asks you for a dollar everyday so she can afford to get cigarettes. She steals from clothing stores and mooches off of everyone. She's never worked a day in her life,she lives off of her boyfriend - basically you get the point. All in all, I haven't ever really considered sarah a "friend" but I certainly never considered her an enemy, even after she started using heroin and other serious drugs. In all honesty I'd stay the hell away from her if she wasn't dating one of my friends.
Now, I'm not a loud person, I'm the type of person people go to to spill out all of their secrets, to get advice from. I never knew why I got this type of treatment out of people, perhaps they just think I'm very trustable. And it's clear that Sarah trusted me to keep all of her secrets- even the ones she'd kept from her boyfriend.
So this past week I decided to hangout with Sarah. She had told me she was using heroin again, more so this time, and that she really needed a job. In fact, the whole reason we were hanging out was so that I could bring her to my work, to fill out an application. I then got her some food and we shared a bottle of whisky (that I payed for) , and she started venting. After this, we went to a small get-together. Sarah,me, and my friends Chris, Ashley and Pat were there. These were people I consider trusted friends, and would do no means of stealing from me.
That night, three other friends and I were playing beer pong, Sarah didn't want to play, so she sat behind us. After the beer pong we needed to get more beers, so I agreed to pitch in for some. As I went to get my money from my purse- I had 11 dollars in there- It was gone. I was nonetheless very upset. Soon after this, Pat and Sarah (Sarah's the only one who's 21, the rest of us are 20) went to get some more alcohol with the money that Pat had. Ashley, Chris and I went to look for my cash however It was no where to be found. Chris and Ashley were sure it was Sarah that had taken it, however none of us saw it happen.
Sarah did see me put the money back into my wallet after she bought us the whiskey.
As Sarah and Pat got back I explained what happened. Sarah was already drunk, and basically babbling on about how "11 dollars isn't that much money". I left the get together, because I just couldn't be around any of them with out feeling betrayed.
After all of this went down, I called up my friend Ally because that's where Sarah was going that night. I told her to watch out because of what happened to me, and she verified to me that Sarah has stolen from her before, but only when she was drunk. I then called Sarah's boyfriend and told him that she might have stolen money from me to use for her heroin addiction, which he thought she was over with.
The next day Sarah texted me about how upset she was that I thought it was her, and how she was mad that I called people that night accusing her. I told her I was mad at everyone and not just her. However, my gut is telling me that all signs lead to Sarah.
Now a week later, she's still playing the "innocent" game. Part of me feels really bad, in the off-chance that it wasn't her. But another part of me can't help but laugh.
I just really need advice on how to ignore people like this, and I'm very interested in the psychology of someone with an addiction. Have you ever been lied to before,in a scenario involving drugs? How does heroin or alcohol change someone's morals? Based on the information I've given, does it seem to make sense that I'd blame? Would she still be this upset if she did do it, or is it an act to defend her lies? I would really like an unbiased opinion, unlike what most of my friends are giving to me. Thank you
The Answer
You need to not be her friend anymore. Don't hang out with her (except, perhaps, in very large groups). End all one-on-one contact with her, block her on social media. Cut her out entirely.
Whether she stole from you or not (and she probably did) you know she's toxic. So end the friendship.
There isn't really a 'trick' to ignoring someone. Ending a friendship is pretty simple once you are completely and utterly clear - in your own mind - that the friendship is over.
It is possible - even really likely - that she stole from you? Yep.
It is possible - even really likely - that it's all just an act now? Yep.
Should you feel bad? Actually yeah. I think you should.
You and her boyfriend, and your friend Ally and probably everyone else ALL KNEW that Sarah behaved in this sort of way. It's wasn't new information for anyone. If you didn't all already know this - you wouldn't have suspected her when your money went missing. You would have assumed you dropped it or something. You assumed it was her because you all already knew that this is sort of behaviour she engages in.
And maybe you should feel a bit bad. You called and 'told on her' to Ally and her boyfriend because you were angry - you were totally right to be angry! But you didn't do that to be kind to them, or to tell them anything they didn't already know. I think you crossed a line when you called them, in your anger, and spread an accusation you had no proof of, especially to suggest to her boyfriend that she 'stole it to buy heroine" which you had even less proof of. There was probably a few better ways to have handled that part of this.
She didn't deserve the benefit of the doubt in the sense that you had to forgive her, or go on pretending to believe her, but she also didn't deserve you running with anger and suspicions to mutual friends who weren't there, when it was only a suspicion. At very least, you should have waited until you had calmed down the next day before reaching out to them.
She might feel guilty now. She might not.
Her addiction might be effecting her judgement, or maybe she has always been a user and thief, even when she is sober.
You CAN'T know her heart or mind.
It's also totally fucking irrelevant. You don't have to be friends with someone just 'cause they feel badly when they betray you and lie about it. Would you stay with a guy who beat the shit out of you just because he felt badly about it afterwards? I hope not. So cut her out, completely. Don't be vicious or insulting. You don't need to hold a grudge. Just end the friendship. You might help your other friends realize that her behaviour shouldn't be tolerated.
If they don't - maybe you actually should work on finding an entirely new group of people to be around.
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The Question
So I'm in grade 7(13 years old) and I'm the grade 3 prefect. Today a few girls came to me and told me that this girl, anika is telling them to show her there "private parts" and writing sex on there bums. Then they said they caught anika and dakota kissing. I also found out that dakota was forcing anika to have sex(they all girls and they all in grade 3) when I spoke to anika she was crying so much and she said "but someone else is making me do those type of things" when I asked who she said she doesn't know.. My friend asked her if its someone on bbm and she didn't say anything.. Then my other friend asked her if she meant that the other girls are lying and she said yes. I'm a bit worried about when she said someone else making her do those things because I was sexually abused for 4 years and by her saying that was just a bit worrying and my friend also thinks so. I just wanna know what I should do about this and if you think she's getting abused. Thanks
The Answer
You need to tell an adult about everything you've overheard. At best, there is some serious bullying and lying going on, at worst, there is sexual abuse.
Either way, an adult needs to be told.
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The Question
Hello advicenators, I have a question about one of my friends.Today was my first day of 8th grade.I went up to one of what I thought was friends, and she shot me dirty looks and refused to speak.We have been very close in the last few years and she and I told everything to eachother.We were inseperable.Another one of my friends asked her why she wasnt speaking to me, and she said she was not my friend anymore.When I said this to my other pals, everyone was shocked.Im not angry about all of this or even mad at her.I did nothing, nothing at all.I even tried to talk to her over the summer many times.Why would she just drop me now as a friend? Im very confused as I loved her as my sister.Is it me?I am a self harmer and recovering bulimic, maybe its because my sexuality.I dont know if I should even try to talk to her, Im not mad at her at all really, just curius why.Im a tad hurt, but not really.I enjoyed her compony and she barely annoyed me.Should I ask her why and what should I say.Thank you in advance.
The Answer
It's probably best to let it rest for a bit.
You are back at school now, and I imagine it wont take long for the gossip mill to let you know whatever her problem with you is. Then, if it is something flat out discriminatory (like your sexuality), you'll know it's not even a bridge worth mending.
Until then, just be polite and friendly. Either she'll soften and let you know what is up, or someone else will give you a clue.
It sounds like you are handling this emotionally in the right way: It's okay to be hurt, but there is no reason to get worked up. Either she will come around or she wont - nothing would really be changed by demanding to know the reasons for her behaviour.
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The Question
We were in a LDR for 3 years. A few months ago my friend was on a stupid escort/dating site and saw him on it. Pics and everything. He denied it for a week until admitting that he made it when he was high (didnt know he was smoking). He proved he didn't use them as the site doesn't let you delete anything. He swore up and down there werent any more. I told him to tell me now or I cant move forward. Still said no only one. I forgave him because he was depressed and told me he was going to get help and stop the drugs.
We were doing fine. I was planning on moving in soon. He asked why I was a bit hesitant and I brought up the profile and how I felt hurt still. He got angry and said I forgave him and I need to drop it. I felt like he was lying again. During this time, I decided to do my own search to see if there were any more. Simply googled his email and there was. Two profiles. I don't know how to proceed. It doesn't look like he really used these either though.
If I end it and explain why, he's going to resort to name calling like last time. Saying I'm a creep, that I don't trust him.
The Answer
You know exactly how to proceed: Dump him.
It's really that simple. He's lying to you so much it's difficult to really know what the truth is, but even if you assume that he is NOT soliciting sex online (and he probably is) then you have to assume that he has a drug problem and depression that is serious enough to impact his judgement in these very serious ways.
Also - he has an anger problem, and calls you nasty names - even it sounds like threatens you and demands you stop talking about your own feelings - when you express a real concern about your life together.
You KNOW he is a bully and a liar, even if you have no proof of cheating, that is enough reason to end it.
If you don't want to explain why, then DON'T. He has betrayed your utterly, and probably much more than you currently know. You don't owe it to him to sit and take any abuse. End it and walk away - or hang up, log off and block him. If anything a LDR should give you more freedom to cut this toxic guy out of your life, not less.
Stop being his punching bag and stop letting him tell you how to feel and what to do. He's the creep here and you DON'T trust him. You don't trust him because he has proven himself to be entirely unworthy of trust more than once. You don't trust him because you aren't a complete idiot.
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The Question
I'm fourteen and bicurious (mostly heterosexual). In the past two months, my sex drive has increased and I don't know how to deal with it. I masturbate sometimes, but this only gives temporary relief. I've never dated and probably won't start soon. I am shy, socially awkward, and not the type of girl guys ask out. In addition, I don't go to a traditional public school, so I rarely meet boys my age who would ask a girl out. I'm a virgin and planning on saving sex for marriage, or at least until I find the right person. How can I deal with my sexual desire?
In addition, I've had a weird obsession with stretching my vagina lately. This morning while I was home alone, I dug a few small empty bottles out of the recycle, washed them really well, and penetrated myself with them. Is this wrong? Should I stop?
The Answer
There is nothing wrong with masturbating, or anything morally wrong with penetrating yourself - having said that, you should stop using household objects to do this. It's not a safe practice.
I appreciate that it is tough when you are a minor, living at home. It's probably not possible for you to access a safe, reliable sex toy to fulfil this interest... but that doesn't mean you should give into the urge in a way that is not safe, and using bottles is DEFINITELY not safe. No matter how well you wash them.
Going to the hospital with internal cuts due to this behaviour, could have a catastrophic effect on your family and your relationships (not to mention any damage you might do to your body.)
We all have sexual interests - and some of us have sexual interests that need to be carefully researched and acted on with a lot of self-control and practice, so as not to hurt ourselves or our partner. Some of us even have sexual interests that can NEVER be acted on morally, or are just physically impossible! It's okay to have to have those interests - it's normal and healthy - but it's important to find healthy and realistic ways to engage with them, either through fantasy, or with proper, safe toys.
Masturbate to your hearts content, but resist the urge to use objects that are not designed as sex toys on yourself. It's not safe, it's not sensible, and it could lead to a really huge disaster in the longterm.
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