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Moving in with my father ?
Hi, I am a fourteen year old girl. My parents are divorced and have been since I was six years old. I love them both very much and I really appreciate everything they have done for me, I am truly blessed to have them in my life. They are so supportive of me but.. I find myself happier at my fathers. My real father actually respects me..when I'm having a rough time he almost always tries to see things from my perspective and never invades my privacy. My father and I have so much fun together, but he has missed out on the past seven or eight years of my life and I think it is time for my father to have a turn..you know? My stepdad doesn't respect me very much but he does keep a roof over my head, and food in my stomach, and clothes on my back. My mother,. she is amazing. I love her so much.. although sometimes she can drive everyone in the same room nuts at the same time, I love her very much. I dont want to hurt anyones feelings or make them feel like I am trying to push them away.. I am just a bit confused on how I should go about this but how should I go about moving in with my father? How should I ask my mother without hurting her feelings? Does it matter what makes me happy or my parents? Thank you in advance.
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I hate so much you are having to even think of this question. I do agree with the other response, in that living with you father will be COMPLETELY different that visiting. He will then become the responsible parent. However, if your mother's husband doesn't respect you, you may need your father right now. Just make sure you are loving and kind to your mother. But first, do talk to your father before you even bring it up. Maybe, he can talk to your mother for you and make that transition for you. You shouldn't have to choose. How awful. Hopefully, your parents will help you do what is best for you. If they are sad or angry, they just love you. I hope this goes well for you!!
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I am a divorced father, my ex wife has custody, and I visit him regularly.
As a father, I personally hope that either I can get custody or that at some point if I can't get a judge to make the decision that when my son is old enough he would want to do what you're doing; let me have a turn with him living with me.
Be aware, that living with your father will be different than visiting him. There are things that will have to be worked out. I suggest you talk to your father about it first. Get his opinion. When you two have worked it out, talk to your mother about it. You're 14, you have the legal right to choose which parent to live with, and I absolutely think you should live with your father if you want to before you go off into college and adulthood and whatnot.
Just be very gentle, and definitely bring up the "I want to give Dad a turn" thing. Go at it from that angle with your mother. You want to try a change, and you love both of your parents, but you haven't lived with him and you want to try it, so that you can get closer with him the way you already are with her.
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Hopefully mom and your birth dad are on good terms so that no matter what the child custody arrangements are, they would be willing to make changes to that now.
So as for what to say? Just don't mention how you feel about the stepdad. Approach mom and him together so he doesnt feel left out. Mention you appreciate all he's done for you. Some men don't have it easy relating to children or teens, only other adults. My own daughters have one grandma who didn't really start to enjoy relating with them until they reached their late teens. Some people are like that. I am posting an article to help you about the importance of father daughter relationships.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
The paragraph on self image is the one you want to target. A Father is part of the young ladys developement of her self esteem as she enter's womanhood. Who ever is the father image that she most naturally leans towards, has an affinity towards or the personalitys click, that is the one who should be active as much as possible at this point. It doesn't matter if it's the birth dad, a step dad, an uncle or grandpa, whoever the male is that the teen girl feels most comfortable with and her heart drawn to, should be the one to be in her life as much as possible during this time frame. I remember going through this phase as a teen girl. There came a time in my parents marriage when I naturally wanted to be more around my dad. I didn't understand why at the time but this is a well known fact. I would choose to hang out by his side no matter what he was doing, having lots of conversation with him. I think part of it for me was also getting used to talking to a male in preparation for the days ahead when I would be trying to hold conversations with guys I like.
Yes, it matters what makes you happy but it's more than just feeling happy, its an important part of a females developement into womanhood. Hopefully your mom had a loving dad herself and will recall herself doing the same if you bring this up. It should make sense to her and not hurt her feelings. You will still need mother daughter time and want to visit her as you have been doing with dad so far. I hope for your sake that both your parents are willing to do this for you. Your dad needs to be willing to be there for you to the level and extent that you will need, not just allow you to live there. So should that article to both him and mom. Good luck dear. They must be very proud to have you as a daughter. You seem like a wonderful young lady.
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Let me first say how much I enjoyed reading your letter. I see a very mature 14 year old behind the computer who wrote it.
Now for the good and the bad of what your asking. The bad news is that at the moment you are too young, legally, to make the choice as to who you live with. The courts made this choice for you when your parents divorced.
In their divorce decree it states who has physical custody of you, whether mom and dad have any joint custody in regard to you upbringing and what dads financial and visitation rights are.
Now the good news is that those rights as spelled out by the courts can be changed. Your parents can do so voluntarily or they can go back to court and have the court change them. This usually means one parent brings the other parent to court seeking a change in custody rights.
The invasion of your privacy by your stepfather that you wrote of does concern me some. Every parent has parental rights, and since you live with your stepfather he does have some parental rights, which allows them to invade some of your privacy rights.
As unfair as it may seem as a young adult some of your privacy rights are not constitutionally guaranteed. As a parent I have the right to search my children's room for contraband, drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. I not only have the right but the need to look at and monitor your school work which today also means I have limited rights to view what is on your computer and cell phone. As A parent I do not have a right to invade your privacy when changing or bathing.
If your step-dad is invading your privacy when changing or bathing then this needs to be told to both mom and dad.. If your step-dad is not invading your privacy in this manner but is doing so as I described above; as any good parent would. Then legally he is not invading your privacy he is being a good parent.
IF you want to move in with dad you should first go to him and ask him if you can. If asks why give him your reasons. But first get his permission. Once dad give you permission to move in with him then ask him how you should go about doing so. He may say something to the effect that he will take care of it or his answer will be if it is okay with mom then you can move in with me but ask mom before you start packing. In which case you would have to ask mom yourself. You have to start with asking dad first.
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Honestly, if you have been spending the majority of your time at your moms, and she and your stepdad are your primary care-givers, than of course you like your dad's place better.
Your dad doesn't have to discipline you day to day. If he has more distance from everyday issues or disagreement, it's easier for him to listen impartially. If he sees you less, he is more focused on making the time you have together enjoyable.
If you ask to live with your dad full-time, it will almost definitely hurt your mother's feelings. That's just reality. There is no way to get around that. If this is what you want, you can ask for it but you can't control how your mom feels about it.
However, before you ask your mother, you should ask your father. You are still a very young teenager. You are still a lot a work to parent every day, even if you don't notice what goes into that. If your father is used to a custody arrangement where he only sees you on weekends, or a few weeks a year, than he might not be prepared to take you in full time. His job, or his home might not make it a good place for a young teen.
It does matter what makes you happy, and you should ask about living with your dad if that is what you want. But you have to face a few basic facts when you do that:
The first is that you are asking for a larger commitment from your dad, and might be thrilled to do that or want to do it, but he might also not be able too, or not be able too right away.
The second is that your mother will have feelings about you wanting to live with your dad. As kind and gentle as you may be to her, she might still feel unhappy, or betrayed, or confused, and you can't stop her from having those feelings.
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