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Friend problems
Hi, I'm a 18 year old girl in a college in the US. I'd REALLY appreciate any advice.
I am not sure what to do this Saturday. A few days ago, I invited two girls I met at church called Sally and Christina to hang out this Saturday. Sally is Chinese and in charge of international outreach at church, and she wanted to invite my 4 hallmates who happen to be Chinese International students too. I said that was fine and we decided to hang out downtown and have lunch together this Saturday.
Now one of my hallmates wants to invite her Chinese friend, and Sally wants to bring along about 3 more Chinese students. I like Chinese people, especially my hallmates, but the problem is whenever they are together they like to speak Chinese to each other. I'm Asian but I can't speak Chinese, so I prefer to spend time with just 1 of them so we can speak English and communicate. I don't want to spend my Saturday with 8 people who insist on speaking chinese because then I can't understand what they're saying to each other. Christina and I will feel isolated.
The problem is, last week I tried to organise a get together with CHristina and Sally last week but then I had to withdraw at the last minute because I was sick that day (I get migraines).
How can I get myself out of this Saturday get together that I myself started? I don't want to offend anybody or burn any bridges. Am I stressing too much over nothing? Should I just tell Sally and Christina the truth about how I feel?
There's another girl called Mandy who's only free on Saturday this week, and if I can withdraw from this large group gathering, I'd much rather spend time with her because I barely get to see her.
Hope that wasn't too confusing. Thanks for reading!
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First of all it is very rude to speak a language that not everyone in the group is conversant or understanding of. In the same vein the exchange students are probably more comfortable speaking their native tongue rather than English.
You could pull out of the gathering because you do not speak or understand Chinese. You could do so making it seem as if you are doing so as to make it more comfortable for them rather than asking them to speak English just for you. Then again they could get insulted if you did so for this reason.
Are you sure they all do not realize the fact that you do not speak or understand their language. If you're not 100% sure then you need to make sure and tell them. I'm sure they do not wish to be rude and leave you out of the conversation. Once you're sure they know then you can say something like if you all are more comfortable speaking Chinese I would not have a problem bowing out rather than asking you to speak English just so I don't feel like a fifth wheel. Then it becomes their decision not yours.
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I would let your friends know how you feel. I'd tell them that you don't feel very comfortable hanging out with people who you won't understand and see if they can keep the conversation in English.
It makes sense that you don't want to hang out with them because of the language barrier but if you're just going to back out without saying anything, it won't do you any good.
So let them know you'd love to hang out with them but that's the problem you are having.
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You should mention to Sally that it's uncomfortable for you to be around a group of people speaking a language you don't know. Politely ask her to help you out, and keep the conversation in English.
As someone who is in charge of international outreach at a place of worship, she is probably your best advocate and can help to set any example for the rest of the people that she invited.
Why not invite Mandy along? I'm assuming Mandy also doesn't speak Chinese, and maybe doesn't look Asian either? Even having one person who they wont assume speaks Chinese might alter the nature of the group dynamic and keep the the Chinese language to a minimum.
You aren't overreacting - but you also aren't helping yourself any. Of course you don't want to feel left out of the conversation. That's perfectly fair, but it's also fair to and polite to remind people of this. They aren't horrible people for not just 'getting it'. You need to speak up for your needs.
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Tell her how you feel, Yoy feel uncomfortable because you do not speak chinese.
Let her know you would feel more comfortable hanging out one on one. Make plans for another time, Should be fine.
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