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How do you get you child happy about something they used to really want?


Question Posted Thursday August 22 2013, 11:47 pm

Imagine that you have two daughters. Your oldest is spoiled, impatient, and demanding while you youngest is about as patient as they come and very passive and calm.

When your oldest turns 16, she thinks you have to buy her a car. You buy her one because she promises to help with errands and it could make your life easier. Later, when your youngest turns 16, you know that the fair thing to do is get her a car too. You look for one, but your spouse sticks her with this ugly price of junk that the two of you didn't have to pay a dime for, so it doesn't compare to your oldest' s sports car that you bought. Also, your youngest' s car quits working only a short time after she gets it. But your oldest' s last for years.

You promise to make it up to your youngest, but the two of you have trouble getting another car, not because you can't afford one, but because problems that neither of you ever anticipated keep happening.

Your youngest, sweet, deserving, daughter has put up with so much constant disappointment and hardship (among other feelings) for so long that something you never expected has happened. You do d out that, to your discontent, she is no longer anxious or excited to get a car anymore.

You feel terrible for letting this happen because your youngest daughter has always had a passion for cars. She goes to car shows and looks at pictures of them on the internet. She can identify almost any make, model, and year of a car, but she seems to no longer care if she has one or not. She knows she needs one for convenience, but she's not excited about it. You want her to be excited because she deserves it and because your oldest daughter was overly ecstatic when she got hers, but what do you do?


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Razhie answered Friday August 23 2013, 7:11 am:
ASK HER WHAT SHE WANTS.

Excuse the all caps, but quite seriously, take a look at the money you had planned to spend on a car, and ask her what she wants.

As you've pointed out you, your younger daughter is very different than your elder. Perhaps she'd prefer a trip to a foreign country or an exciting summer camp over a nice car. Maybe a conservative, used car is just fine by her. Maybe it's just not important to her.

It's easy to say "She needs one for connivence" but maybe she doesn't find it much more than convenience.

And let your own feelings go. You have a lot of strong emotions about this issue, which is fine, but your strong feelings might be crowding out your more passive daughter and making it difficult for her to know what she is feeling and being able to express it to you.

So back off a bit. Sure, you want her to be excited, but it's not fair to put that expectation or demand on her. Chill out, and have a real honest conversation about what she wants, even give her a few days to think about it and come up with a response.

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