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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I've had sleep paralysis since I was young. There were shadows in my room but they never did anything, I believe 4 or 3 to be exact.
I'm 19 now and the sleep paralysis (I want to call it that because I don't want to psych myself out) had gotten worse. there was one where i was trying to nap and I can't move and I'm laying in somewhat of a feudal position. So I'm laying there trying to get out and notice a girl in a long green dress just pass me, her hair is red and curly but I only saw her pass quite quickly. I was able to get out of the paralysis soon after.
The recent second this has happened has gotten more, scary, I wake up unable to move and I'm lying on my side when all of a sudden I feel as if something is sitting on top of me holding me down. I try to move but it's very difficult because another...thing...is holding me as if it's spoofing me from the back. I was able to actually push whatever was on top of me off and it falls of my bedonto the floor. At this point I managed to move my body away from the second thing and crop down to catch the first and notice it has claws and runs away quickly. I then proceed to say the Our Father and pray to God but this second thing grabs me and starts screeching in my ear and once I know it, a black figured face puts it's hands on my face, and pulls its face to mine and dissapears. At that point I was able to wake up.
The most recent one just happened right now as I type this, So I wake up and realize I'm in a paralysis again, this time I feel something a suffocating me, so I close my eyes and start praying to God, and I hear a woman's voice screeching "NOOO!" And then I hear a mans voice, his mouth close to my ear laughing and then screeching. My body starts to shake and I start saying, "God please help me." Then I wake up. Just like that. I even have a scratch on my arm. I do not believe these are hallucinations & a LOT of people go through this. This has happened to me when I'm just laying down in my room awake. I've even heard growling when I was praying. Can someone please tell me I'm over my head...if I'm not, how do I make them or it stop?
I see a demon ion my house before too, but no one believes me. I pray to god & I cry but they don't go away. I can hear evil voices
The Answer
Sleep paralysis is a completely normal phenomena, usually experienced right before waking up, but sometimes right before sleep as well. It's caused by something called REM atonia, which is the muscle weakness your body 'switches on' when you are dreaming (in REM sleep) to keep you from hitting yourself or running around when you dream of it. You are effectively 'paralyzed', so you don't hurt yourself in your sleep.
It's also normal to panic if you wake up in sleep paralysis. It is scary! Your mind is awake, but your body is still asleep. Many people who experience sleep paralysis, also hallucinate while paralyzed. The most common hallucinations are a human figure standing near by, or someone trying to crush or suffocate them.
Why do people hallucinate when they are suffering from sleep paralysis? To put it simply, it's because the mind is in panic and the brain needs to find a reason for that fear, so it creates one where none exists. The brain assumes that this fear must be caused by an outside agent, so the half-awake mind invents an agent.
Why is suffocating, being crushed or strangled common hallucinations? Because sleep paralysis inhibit voluntary control of breathing. You can breath just fine, but only in a slow, deep, sleep breathes. You can't make yourself breathe faster or deeper, or talk or scream (like you want to when you are scarred), so you feel even more constricted.
If you choose to believe that sleep paralysis has something to do with the supernatural or demons, no one can make you not believe that, but it's not true. Sleep paralysis is a rather well understood biological phenomenon, with a biological cause, not a demonic one.
All I can say is that sleep paralysis is normal, and most of us will experience it at some point in our lives. Sleep depravation, unusual sleeping patterns and stress can all contribute to it, so you want to make sure you are getting enough sleep, and getting regular sleep. You could also cut out the foods that affect your sleep, like caffeine, alcohol, and too much sugar, and see if that ends them.
There are also techniques for breaking sleep paralysis. Focusing on moving your fingers and toes can sometimes wake up the rest of your body. Most people can also control their eyes and eyelids, and blinking quickly or looking all around quickly can jar the body awake as well.
If you are having lots of experiences of sleep paralysis, it's something to see a doctor about, because it can also be a symptom of sleep disorders like narcolepsy or insomnia.
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The Question
Ok, So i'm a freshman in high school, and i met this guy about three-four weeks ago (before school started) at a school club/group we are both in. He is a freshman like me and AMAZING!! I didn't think we would end up friends but we did and i realized a few days ago i like him. (last week was our first week of school)and we had a football game we performed at. During the game he asked if I had facebook, i said yes and he gave me his info so i could send him a friend request. Later, when we where all packing up he asked for my number. After he left (he left way before me) he sent me a text. We talked for a while, and he told me he was sort of dating a girl in the band (all 3 of us are in band) i asked sort of? and he said they decided to play it low and he doesn't know where they stand. I felt heart broken. We still talked (I mean we are friends after all, its innocent) and he (and the girl) hangout with me and other band freshman at lunch and they barely talk to each other and he mostly talks to me and another guy from band and my best friend who is not in band. Then yesterday i was talking to him and we got onto the conversation on "How to tie someone up" then we talked about my brother for a little bit and he randomly goes
"Back onto our conversation from earlier. If you had someone tied up you really liked, Would you kiss them?" and i told him that was really random but it would depend. He said he probably would. WE talked a lot and he told me a lot about himself and I him. WE have A LOT in common, it's amazing. He's a great friend. Also (he and my best guy friend have their 5th period class right next door to mine) so they wait for me (i was blushing really hard when i saw him and my BGF waiting for me outside), and i was lost on the second day of school and he showed me to my class. and in our band class together I was switching through my instruments cause i was confused on my first day of High school band (I play F horn and flute and I'm in color guard) then i asked if i could just go outside and practice guard with other guardies in the class and my B.D said sure. I walked past him and he told me i needed to stop moving in a teasing way and i said "It's not my fault I'm in Color guard!"
SO, please don't fill your answers with "He has a Girlfriend, leave him alone" and all that. I know, and I will move on. But i was just wondering, does it sound like he is starting to or does like me?? I just want to know, thanks :) I just really want to know
The Answer
He is absolutely flirting with you - while he's dating someone else. Which is kinda sucky, disrespectful behaviour.
Usually when someone obviously and repeatedly flirts with you, it means they like you.
Honestly, being clearly liked by a guy who has a girlfriend isn't really a compliment. It's a burden and an accusation. It's a guy who willing to cast you as the 'other woman'.
Honestly, back the fuck off entirely until he's single. If you want to be really honest, and make the best step you can towards a respectful friendship with this guy, tell him that you both know you are both flirting, and you are 100% ending that until he tells you that he's available.
Then BE HIS FRIEND, and friends don't text for 8 hours. Shut that shit down. You turn yourself into someone's friend by acting like their friend, and have the kinds of boundaries you'd have with a guy you didn't like. If you keep treating him like something more, you risk it turning into something more before he is single, and that is bad news for everyone.
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The Question
It seems that things are getting back to way they use to be between me and my dad's side of the family . I just wish my mom could understand that I want them in my life because they have changed and I love them because they are my family even though my dad died when I was 12 I still want them in my life but she doesn't seem to think that they have changed she says that they are going to hurt me again.
The Answer
You are both right.
It's right and fair to want them in your life.
It's quite possible that they might hurt you, or your mother, in some way in the future.
The best thing you can do is let your mother know that you are choosing to take that risk, and respect the fact she isn't willing to.
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The Question
I am SO confused.
HPV can cause oral cancer... fact.
HPV can be spread through oral sex or EVEN kissing.
There is no test to know if you have HPV.
More facts.
HOW on Earth is it safe to even date people anymore if a bunch of us are carrying HPV and something as simple as kissing can spread the virus which can lead to throat cancer?
Are a ton of today's youth going to end up with throat cancer unless we vow to not kiss anyone until we get married?
This is terrifying me... it makes me want to not date. Ever.
The Answer
You've got some of your facts basically right, but you're missing some key information and drawing some confused conclusions
HPV is linked to an increase chance developing oral and throat cancer: TRUE.
HPV can be spread through oral sex or even kissing: TRUE.
There are lots of different kinds of HPV, but they can all pass via skin to skin contact, but generally only to the areas they are designed to attack. For example: Genital HPV don't be spread the mouth, and HPV on the hands don't spread to the genitals.
There is no test to know if you have HPV: FALSE.
There are common tests for genital HPV for women, and for men and women for oral HPV infections.
And here is some of what you've missed:
CDC says that up to 80% of Americans will have HPV infections in their lifetime and 99% with clear these infections without consequence.
That means, in 99% of cases, a healthy body will clear out an HPV infection. Of those 80% infected, only a small percentage will carry the version of HPV that has been linked to cancer, and only a smaller percentage still will have a persistent infection.
About 1 and 10,000 people will develop some sort of oral cancer in their lifetime, not all of those connected to HPV.
So the chance of an average person getting HPV is about 4 out of 5, and the chance of getting oral cancer is 1 in 10,000. Oral cancer remains relatively uncommon (in non-smokers) and mostly appears between age 60-70, like most cancers. Oral cancer is also not a particularly aggressive cancer - when it's caught in stage one, the survival rate is 90%.
By the time you are 60 or 70, there will be better screening and detection, better vaccines and better treatment.
There is also a vaccine for HPV right now which protects women from the oral and genital versions of HPV that have been linked to cancer. It's been around for nearly a decade now, and it's approved for use in men in some areas. If you are a young teen, you are probably a candidate for the vaccine, and it's something you can look into with your doctor.
Honestly, you are over-reacting. Being alive comes with some inherent risks. You can't let each new bunch of stats you read send you into a terror, or else you'll never get into a car, or go swimming in a lake, or kiss anyone!
Yes, HPV is a real problem for this generation (actually, HPV has always been around and having these effects on human beings - we only just recently noticed it and have been able to to detect it), and although we have learned new data about it's links to cancer, that data should be confidence-building, not terrifying. Doctors know a key piece of the puzzle to look for. People with persistent HPV infections will know to have regular screenings for cancer so they can catch it in stage one and have great odds at beating it (if they even get it, which only a minority will). HPV has always been around, 'causing exactly these sorts of illnesses in human beings. The only difference is that we've only very recently spotted it and are learning how to fight it. That's a win for medical science and something to be aware of, not something to loose sleep over.
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The Question
I am a 22 yr old male. I need advice in dealing with the relationship between my parents & I. One year ago I had my first child, my girlfriend & I were living with my parents at the time. My mother said some really hurtful things to my girlfriend and then called the law on us. Our newborn son was removed from us for one month and my parents had him during that time. My parents took me to court to try and get custody of my son. They told us they weren't, but I did not trust them, still don't. They cheated me of a month of my son's life. I'm angry that they called the law on me & my girlfriend and feel that they are wrong and could have handled things differently. I feel that my mother is trying to control my life and take away my son. I know she does not like my girlfriend and feel that my parents will do anything to take our son away from us again. My parents want to talk to me and have said that they are sorry, but I do not believe them or trust them. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them. I allow them to spend time with my son, but feel they abuse my generosity and always want more time than I tell them they can have. If it wasn't for my girlfriend convincing me to let my son see them, I'd never let them see my son or ever talk to them again. I think he should only stay with them one weekend a month, but they always want more! Should I take my son away and never allow them to see him again and kick them out of my lives now? It also angers me that they do not respect our rules with our son, they let him get by with stuff we do not and he is difficult to deal with after spending a few days with my parents. How do I deal with this? They are wrong in what they did and they don't seem to get it. They think they are right and are better parents than we are! They don't respect me or my rules and feel like I have to set strict boundaries with them. I just want them to leave me and my family alone, my son needs us, not my parents!! What would you do??
The Answer
You've left out a hell of lot of details. I struggle to believe that the court removed your child from you for a month for no reason. I struggle to believe that the police were called for no reason, if them being called resulted in you loosing custody for a month.
So, I'll answer what I can.
Should I take your son away and never allow them to see him again?
No. You should not do that. You haven't said that they have abused him, and that is really the only valid reason to cut them out. More importantly, legally you cannot kick them out of his life. In most states grandparents have legal visitation rights. The last thing you want to do it get the law involved again because you've denied your parents visitation.
It's good to set strict boundaries with your parents. There is no reason to agree to visits you are not comfortable with. Unless you are under court order to allow a certain kind of visitation, you don't have to allow your parents to have unsupervised or overnight visitation. You or your girlfriend can go with your son when he visits. That might help you enforce your families rules and boundaries even when he is at his grandparents.
As far as your rules are concerned, you need to have flexibility. Again, so long as your parents aren't putting his health in danger, it's not unrealistic for there to be different rules in their home than in yours. Your son is perfectly capable of understanding that the rules in your home are different than the rules in grandma's home. He is likely behaving difficulty largely because he sense your frustration with your parents and can push some buttons that way. Relax and simply reenforce your rules. Ignore any complaints he has about 'but they let me do X'. It's not relevant.
Also, maybe you should see a therapist to help you have a safe place to handle some of your anger, and come up with better coping techniques.
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The Question
Hi,
I'm a thirteen-year-old girl. For some reason, several people think I'm smart, but I'm not. At school, my work is always high-quality. Therefore, people think it is easy for me. I often hear comments about how smart I am and how school must be very easy.
However, the truth is that school is not easy at all. It's actually quite challenging, and I struggle with it very much. The only reason why my work is so well-done is because I work four times as hard as any other kid -- but I feel like I have no control over how hard or how quickly I work.
Some people say that I don't need to work so hard and that my work will be good anyway. But that's not true. I'm not smart; I'm actually very stupid. I process things slowly and get stressed out very often, so I work slowly. I will admit that I'm a little bit of a perfectionist, but it's not that as much as it is the fact that I'm just naturally slow.
In seventh grade, I stayed up late every night to do homework, and I always took forever to finish classwork. One teacher in seventh grade once told me that I would get bad grades in high school if I didn't start working faster. It really hurt my feelings when she said that. It also showed me she didn't understand that I had no control over how slow I was.
I wish people would understand that I'm a stupid girl who works hard and naturally does things slowly, not a smart girl who works slowly just because she wants to. Why doesn't anyone understand that I have no control over how slowly I work? And why can't they see how stupid I really am?
P.S. I'm sorry that this question is much longer than it needs to be. And I apologize for any errors in grammar.
The Answer
You can't convince them, because you aren't stupid.
Even the simple fact that you KNOW how long it takes you do something well, that simple skill, puts you firmly in the 'not stupid' camp.
It may not all come easily to you. You may work very hard. But you aren't stupid. Stupid people don't try. Stupid people can't even recognize what it actually takes to succeed.
You should talk to a therapist. Seriously. You're packing some serious insecurities and anxieties. Although you are certainly correct that some people are good at school work because they work very, very hard at it, not because it comes easily to them, you cross the line to very unhealthy thinking when you label yourself stupid AND you are contributing to what could easily become a very, very serious anxiety issue.
Your perfectionism, your refusal to recognize your own skill and worth, and your refusal to listen to others who suggest you try other ways of doing things... that is a recipe to make yourself ill.
You actually have a lot of control over how quickly you work, and how much anxiety you feel about your work, and about the destructive standards you are holding yourself too. If you can recognize the power you do have and appreciate the skills you do have, you'll be in a much, much better position to both succeed at school, and to stay sane!
You have put yourself on a pretty dark path. Your insistence that you are 'stupid' is part of it. Please get some support to break these patterns.
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The Question
I have taken it before maybe four times spread out a couple years I had sex and he came in me I just just ended my period. tomorrow is the last window I could take plan b if I want idk what to do I'm scared to take it i don't want to be messed up forever I don't want it to affect me later to conceive I also don't want to be selfish and not take it because I don't want to spot again for many days
The Answer
Plan B is a very safe drug. There is no evidence to suggest it'll cause any long-term harm a woman's ability to conceive in the future (and no medical reason to think it would).
It's recommended you not take it twice within the same menstrual cycle, but otherwise you should take it as you need it.
You shouldn't be relying on it as your sole method of contraception tho - condoms and regular birth control are far cheaper, safer and reliable.
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The Question
Hi Razhie,
Thank you very much for your advice.
Regarding your last point, funny you should bring that up, but just recently she has bought a range of toys. We tried a few, including a 10" strapon. When I used it she came almost straight away and really strongly. Usually it takes me quite some time to get her to orgasm, even if I've spent a while in foreplay. (ok, with the strapon she had been using a vibrator for a bit).
After wards she said that it felt *absolutely amazing*.
It really hit home for me how - inadequate - I really am.
After that, how on earth am I meant to satisfy her?
She said before hand that she doesnt like huge dicks because they hurt - fair enough - I thought that maybe I did have some ok equipment. BUT - I was using a good 9" of the strapon, compared to which mine is *tiny* (im about 5.9").
PS. I've never been with anyone else, she has and she says that the *only* way to cum is in this position. Also, when we have sex she will often tell me to go deeper.
The Answer
You aren't 'meant to satisfy her'.
That isn't the fundamental goal of a sexual relationship.
You are meant to be her partner in play.
Fundamentally, her satisfaction is her job: Her job to ask for it and to figure out how to get it. An orgasm isn't something you give her. It's not a gift. She could get off on her own. You are there to make the ride more fun and to bond and share in the moments with her.
It sounds like your girlfriend knows this, and it might be a bit intimidating for you to be with someone who has already got that sort of distinction figured out, as you are just learning it.
Being a good partner in play certainly means valuing her satisfaction, but it doesn't mean your body should be the sole provider of it. That's absurd.
She will have a fun, satisfying, complex, loving relationship with you - a human being who both farts, vomits, bleeds and does ton of shit that drives her nuts AND who she gets off with - and she will probably still use a vibrator sometimes, maybe watch porn, and even fantasize about others.
Her sexual life experience will be varied, complex and personal, even if she never has anyone's dick inside her ever again in her life besides yours.
You aren't inadequate. Frankly, the very fact you have heard what she has told you about her orgasms and the positions she likes puts you miles ahead of the vast majority of sex partners out there.
You are meant to satisfy your partner, in many more ways than purely sexual, by going on doing just what you are doing darling. Being open, listening, respectful and playful. There is no failure in what you've described. What you've done is pure win. Epic win, even.
If you want some advice moving forward, I'd suggest you take a more playful and experimental tone with your girlfriend. Orgasms, both yours and hers, do not need to be sole goal of every time you jump into bed.
Secondly, and most importantly, don't invent problems and don't use the word 'inadequate'. You are inadequate when you stop giving a shit about her satisfaction. You are inadequate if ignore her opinions or feelings in favour of what you think sex SHOULD be. You are inadequate if your are always selfish (a bit of selfishness is a good thing - just like her, you are responsible for standing up and ask for what works for you).
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The Question
Hey i am 24 years old and my mom has been holding a grudge against my dad's side of the family for years now ever since I was little and over the years it has gotten a lot worse when I 5 my dad molested me and ever since then my mom has been holding a grudge against my dad and his family even though my dad died when I was 12 she is still holding a grudge against him the reason she is holding a grudge against my aunt and one of my cousins is because they were really mean to her when she reported my dad and then they wouldn't talk to me for years because I had moved out and I have managed to forgive them but my mom hasn't and I have just started talking to them again about a year ago because I had moved out because my cousin who is autistic would be physically abusive and the got mad at because I moved out but like I said i have managed to forgive them and now going to their house house again but my mom can't seem to forgive them and is always bringing it up what should I do ?
The Answer
Well, in all honesty, I think the only thing you can do is let your mother know that you've forgiven them for the past and that you want to keep on building a relationship with them.
You can ask her to respect that, and to not insult them or drag up past actions with you. Those are the sorts of things she can take to her friends or therapist, not her daughter.
Other than that, you need to respect your mother's feelings.
She's allowed to not forgive them. This isn't a matter of someone getting mad about some little insult from decades ago - this is a matter of them not protecting you, a small child, or respecting your mother when she did try to protect you!
I'm not very good at holding a grudge, but if someone tried to stop me from protecting my child from someone who was hurting them, or didn't believe me as I tried to defend my child, I'm not sure I could ever forgive them.
I'm not saying your mother is right to hold onto this anger - it would certainly be better for her if she could manage to forgive - but I am saying that the wounds she has from that experience may go very, very deep. Although you are the one who was molested, she was the one who had to stand up for you and face the skepticism, insults and disappointments associated with keeping you safe.
It's good, for your health and your happiness, that you have been able to forgive, but you can't demand that of your mother. All you can ask is that she respects your choice, and doesn't involve you in her anger against them. At the same time you need to let her know clearly that this isn't a betrayal of her, and remember that this isn't some simple grudge she is carrying. Some of her anger towards them may be very valid, even this far in the future.
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The Question
my friend Kirstin just called me a few hours ago and said guess what and I said what and then she told me she is dating my ex Roosevelt i am concerned about her dating him because he cheated on me with another boy and several girls and i am afraid that he will do the same to her . should I tell her or just leave it alone ? I don't want her to think i am jealous because she is dating my ex because i am so over him even though I dated him for 7 years on off since high school i am 25 now and she is 27 if that helps .also he talked me into having sex with him by saying if you love me you will even though I didn't want to I loved him at time so I had sex with him should I tell her about this ?
The Answer
It would be fair, and kind, to tell her that he cheated during your past relationship.
It's not fair, or kind, to drag up those private moments from the two of you deciding to have sex. Even if he was a manipulative jackass, that's an experience that is open to a lot of interpretation and you don't need to expose yourself to her judgement or his on that subject.
Here is the important part about telling her that he cheated in the past: Don't tell her what to do about it. Just give her the information.
For all you know, she might already be aware of how he treated you, and if she does know that, and has excused his behaviour or thinks he'll be different with her, than there is nothing you can do or say.
The only thing you should do, if you want to, is give in the information that this guy has cheated in the past.
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The Question
It is true that you need to do a cleansing ritual after having an abortion?
The Answer
Medicine doesn't require 'rituals', it requires treatments or procedures.
Your doctor or other health care provider can let you know if there is anything you need to do post-abortion, but generally speaking, there is nothing you need to do. There are, in some cases, a follow up appointment to guard against infection or the like, but in most cases there wont even be that. Abortion is a very safe procedure. Unless there is something about your abortion procedure that puts you at a greater risk (or if your country or state requires it) there will probably not be a follow up appointment with your doctor.
Rituals are about faith, belief or tradition, not about medical necessity. I'm not aware of any tradition or religion that has a post-abortion ritual, but since people are free to make up their own rituals, there is no reason not to engage in whatever ritual you like.
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The Question
Hi all,
I've got a girlfriend whom I absolutely adore. We've been together for 2 years now, and have been living together for 12 months. I am very much in love with her, and i am convinced that she feels the same - I feel very lucky.
One thing though; she's hinted at my penis being a bit on the underside. Not by much mind, I'm 6 inch and she once said 7 would be ideal as that length she's found 'hits the spot just right'.
Now, my sexual experience is very limited (to her only in fact) while she's been with others before me. That doesn't bother me at all - except for the fact that I still feel like I'm blundering through the dark.
I really want to make her 100% satisfied, with absolutely everything - sex included.
So, what techniques or tricks in bed can I use to make my bit seem just that "bit" bigger to her? Her all time favorite possi is her lying on her stomach while I...well you know :P
Are there certain movements that I can do? Please Please Please any tips (guys and girls too please!)
The Answer
Which position will give her the most pleasure depends almost entirely on the unique configurations of her body. There is no trick, or one position that is certain to give the illusion of more length.
Google sex-positions and give some a spin.
The other option takes a bit more self-confidence than most young men have: Sex toys. If she would like more length or girth or whatever... there are always sex toys, ones you can use on her, and even ones that can fit over your penis.
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The Question
I've rephrased my previous question because that answer did not help me at all :L please can someone help me out and tell me which house hold items I can use INSTEAD OF a dildo, a real penis and any food. I live with my parents so I don't want them to find out so things I can find in my bedroom maybe???? I am a girl and thankyou in advance please helpp???
The Answer
It's just not safe.
Dildos are made of out of safe, easy to clean material, most often silicon or latex. They are designed not to have any rough edges, and to take a beating without breaking...
Do you know how many young women (and men) end up in the emergency room each year with broken off ends of vegetables stuck inside them? Or bleeding or infections they are too embarrassed to explain? Millions.
I know it sucks being a young person in your parents home, but the truth is this: The only safe, reliable sex toy you have are your fingers.
There are lots of safe places to order toy online, once you able to order something or store it discretely, but until then, don't put yourself in danger by shoving strange objects inside your body. It's just not a good idea.
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The Question
21 year old female.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. Lately I have noticed that I have put on some weight. I am 5 feet tall and currently weight 136 pounds. I wouldn't say that I am exactly fat but I am not used to being this weight. Either way, I am torn about whether or not I want to lose weight. On one hand, I have preferred in the past to be fit and thin, but recently I have been questioning whether it really is that important to be skinny, and I have been trying to accept myself as I am.
My boyfriend is very sweet and supportive. I have been asking him lately if he thinks I need to lose weight and he would say "no I love you exactly as you are" but I asked him again the other day and he told me that he does wish I would lose some weight and that he is less attracted to me since I have put it on, but he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to be a jerk. I don't feel like it's fair for me to be mad at him since I asked, but I am hurt that he feels this way.
Do you think it's okay for your romantic partner to say this? Other thoughts/comments? Thanks
The Answer
Every relationship is unique.
Is it okay for your partner to have said this?
Yes. Obviously, in this context, it is. He wasn't attempting to bully or insult you. You asked him a direct question, more than once, and then he told you what he thought.
Frankly, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner felt they had to always lie, or even always lie on certain topics, but some people do have those kinds of relationships, and it seems to work for them.
If you want the kind of relationship where your boyfriend isn't honest with you on this, or any other specific topic, then just don't ask or tell him to shove it when he offers opinions you don't think are okay for him to say aloud. That's not the choice I'd make for myself, but it's certainly an option.
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The Question
An old friend of mine whom I have known for 13 years fell out with me 3 years ago. My ex friend has been dating a very manipulative guy for the past 8 years and since, I have seen her loose her friends over the years.
Well, Too keep this short, I haven't seen or spoken to her in 3 years.
In the past month or two another old friend of mine found where I live (I live in the next building over from my ex friend ) We all used to be friends in high school back 10 years ago. I noticed since I got back in contact with this old friend, My ex friend has been seemingly nice all of the sudden.
The other day I was walking and she waved from a distance, I stood there for a few seconds dumb founded and walk away. I couldn't bring myself to wave as even 3 years later I just have a lot of hard feelings and anger towars her. She basically allowed her boyfriend to turn her against all her friends and has in the past given me the cold shoulder quite a few times. I admit, I am one to hold a grudge and if you screw me I never forgive. Why all the sudden ia ahe being "nice? She doesn't know I am in contact with this old friend. (I stopped talking to her also because i didn't want drama) I noticed she doea it when she's alone too.
The Answer
It's been three years. She's being 'nice' because most people can't effectively hold grudges for three years, and will relapse back into a normal degree of human civility and decency.
If this woman's crime is that she remained with a manipulative boyfriend that encouraged her to isolate herself from old friends and has given you the cold shoulder, it's a bit petty of you not to even be able to wave back.
Waving to an old acquaintance isn't even being 'nice'. It's being human. I wave to people around my apartment complex who I don't even like much, as a casual greeting and acknowledgement that I know them.
She waved at you. She didn't ask you to be her maid of honour. It's extremely unlikely that she is thinking about this half so much as you are. So wave back in the future and acknowledge she exists. Expressing such a poorness of spirit three years later is what will invite drama into your life - offering a small sign of recognition of a fellow human being wont.
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The Question
18/f/New Zeland
Ok, I have had one bf before but tbh I am inexperienced with guys.At my work there's this guy (27)who comes in to the back as he's related to the manager.
He's known for flirting with the teenagers who work there-they've since left. It's quite obvious he likes me (making jokes and things).
But my question is not related to my situation, its more general. Why do males generally find younger girls attractive/desirable? Because to me it doesn't make sense-I mean what's attractive about a girl that lives with her parents and stuff who is 10 years younger??
The Answer
Power.
A young body, and innocence as well... but mostly power.
Younger women are easier to impress, easier to feel smart and in charge around, and also easier to manipulate. Men are told from a young age they should feel powerful in a relationships - either as a conquerer or a benevolent protector. They aren't always encouraged to see their romantic partners as equally powerful human beings, but to imagine relationships are about which person dominates the other. If they aren't smart enough to see through those sorts of myths, young women are more likely to fulfil the role of a gentle little flower, than an older woman, who is more likely to have their own shit going on and the strength and confidence to demand equality of power and respect in any kind of relationship.
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The Question
I'm 17 and she's 15 we do it(have sex) every week once, I do NOT put my penis COMPLETELY inside her because it reaches like sort of a layer thing in there so I'm afraid not to break that layer maybe blood might come out! But I did ask and they said "since you can put your penis inside her then she's not a virgin" but guys! we NEVER EVER saw any blood after I put my penis inside her for FIRST time! Isn't BLOOD! supposed to come out if it's the first time anybody ever puts his finger AND penis inside her vagina!? or no,blood comes out after I completely put my penis and break that layer inside?
-ThankYou.
High Fives to all like usual xD
The Answer
Some girls hymen's don't bleed.
Some are already broken long before they have sex, others simply don't bleed much, or at all, when they are broken.
For many couples, the male's penises is longer than the female's vagina is deep.
There is no way for us to tell you from this question if your girlfriend's hymen is still intact, or if that is what you are bumping up against.
But the simple thing is this: Virginity isn't really about 'having a hymen'. Lots of women who have never had sex, don't have an intact hymen. Sports, exercise or tampons can all break the hymen. Virginity and hymen are just not the same thing. Virginity is about NOT having sexual contact with other people. If you are putting your penis in her vagina - even just a bit - you two are having sexual contact, and in my opinion, neither should consider yourself a virgin.
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The Question
I find it difficult to be assertive at work.
There is a task at work that I keep being made to do, and I find it extremely stressful.
I am expected to do it because they took the time to train me, and because its expected of me as an employee who has been there for years (compared to people who have been there for only months).
The problem is, every time I tell my bosses that I don't want to do it, they don't really understand. When I am rostered on to do it, I refuse to, and I make them find someone else to do it. I have said to them "I already told (our store manager) and (our rostering manager) that I can't do it", and I have told them I don't want to do it because it is stressful and makes me anxious. No matter how I tell them I am still pestered about it. I get asked to do it, I am STILL asked questions like:
Why can't you do it?
Why do you find it stressful?
Who have you told about this?
I know that I am not very assertive when I tell them... I am usually like "Oh, it is just a bit stressful for me, it just makes me a little anxious", and I try to remain pleasant and smile, which I know makes it worse, but at my work, if you do something to annoy them, they stop giving you shifts all together. Also I don't want to seem like a drama queen, since everyone else who does this task doesn't find it stressful at all.
Please help me with: How do I word it? How do I actually tell them it is too stressful, without being aggressive or over-dramatic?
The Answer
What is this task?
Why can't you do it?
Why do you find it stressful?
This issue isn't necessarily about being assertive.
This is about having a valid concern or reason to decline an assigned task.
No matter how assertive you may be, if your reasoning is simply "I don't like it" or "Its stressful" you are unlikely to be taken seriously.
I imagine your bosses understand perfectly well that you don't want to do this task, but you haven't given them a real reason to care. They aren't your buddies - if you have been trained to do it then they can fairly expect it of you. They don't care if you don't like it or if it makes you anxious. If you can't tell them, clearly, what it is about this task that you don't feel capable of, they aren't going to take you seriously.
These are sorts of concerns a employer may take more seriously:
I don't feel physically capable of this task.
I don't feel safe in this situation or environment.
I have not been trained properly to do this.
There is no magic way to re-word 'stressful' into something that they will take seriously. We are all expected to deal with stressful assignments from time to time, you'll need to either dig deeper and find a better way to express whatever your concerns are, or you'll need to accept that you'll be assigned this task sometimes, and learn to make the best of it.
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The Question
So this weekend I was at a old book store and found an awesome really old early 1900s medical book, and all I rememberis this;:
-A green/Grey color.
-In the middle if the title was 'Medical' in big letters,in I think a gold color.
-There were a TON plants in it and it said all the medical uses for them, in a dictionary format.
-There were also many examples of skin diseases with drawings (ex: herpies, etc.) Thanks!!!
The Answer
Why no call the old book store and ask about the book?
That seems the simplest way to find out exactly what it was.
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The Question
I am casually talking and getting to know this guy at my college named Anthony. He's older, works at the bookstore, and very cute. We text back and forth and I see him Monday and Wednesday around noon and he usually gets off at two, so we hang out until my ride comes.
This Sunday, he agreed to go to the movies with me at 1:50. My phone was out of service so I wasn't able to contact him. He seemed like he'd for sure be there. It hits two o'clock and he's not there, so I wait a little longer. At 2:15, I call him on the cinema phone over and over, but he doesn't answer. At this point I am very upset and don't even see the movie. I decide to call my ride, and as I'm walking away in tears, a cinema employee says that Anthony is on the line. I ask what happened, and he said he crashed at his grandparents and they left early. He didn't get a chance to go home and shower or anything, and his parents aren't answering the phone for him to get a ride. He has no car because his got wrecked, and he's paying off a lot of loans. I offered to give him a ride home, but he said his morals were against it. I begged him, but he still refused and told me to go home. He kept saying "I'm sorry sweetheart." and he seemed genuinely sorry. We stayed on that dang cinema phone for about 40 minutes.
The next day, after feeling hurt, I went by the bookstore to pick up an order. I said hi to him, and he was very friendly, but I was so upset. I think I am just overthinking that he's not interested. He was at work, and I just had lunch with him a few minutes ago, but of course he was rushing. He's still flirty and sweet, but there's this feeling that I am just a bother. He didn't offer for me to sit with him even though he saw me in the lounge, and I sat with him once I saw him. I just feel like I'm annoying, but he insists he's not. Is this just a weird feeling and I'm overthinking it, or does he seem not interested? Am I just being a worry wort?!
The Answer
I don't think you are overthinking it.
He sounds to me like he he either
A.) not that interested
or B.) Is a jerk.
Guy who stands you up 'cause he wasn't paying attention while at his grandparents? Jerk.
An older guy who needs a ride from his parents, but is too proud to accept a ride from you, the younger woman he supposedly wants to spend time with? Jerk.
Personally, I think if he was really interested in you, he would have suggested an alternate date right away. If he hasn't asked you to hang out agian - I'd say let it go. He's just not that into you.
It hurts, but it also sounds like you are better off without him.
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