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Wants me to lose weight
21 year old female.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. Lately I have noticed that I have put on some weight. I am 5 feet tall and currently weight 136 pounds. I wouldn't say that I am exactly fat but I am not used to being this weight. Either way, I am torn about whether or not I want to lose weight. On one hand, I have preferred in the past to be fit and thin, but recently I have been questioning whether it really is that important to be skinny, and I have been trying to accept myself as I am.
My boyfriend is very sweet and supportive. I have been asking him lately if he thinks I need to lose weight and he would say "no I love you exactly as you are" but I asked him again the other day and he told me that he does wish I would lose some weight and that he is less attracted to me since I have put it on, but he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to be a jerk. I don't feel like it's fair for me to be mad at him since I asked, but I am hurt that he feels this way.
Do you think it's okay for your romantic partner to say this? Other thoughts/comments? Thanks
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This is one of those questions we guys consider a loaded question. No matter how we answer we're going to be in trouble.
On one hand if we love you we want you to feel good about yourself and we want you to be healthy as well. On the other hand the extra weight, and this depends on how much is gained, can cause less of an attraction.
My feeling is that we put way too much emphasis on body image today. Thanks to advertisements, movies and television many, especially young women strive to be the sexually attractive women they see on TV, in the movies and in magazines. These women are not formed the way you see them naturally. They have help from plastic surgeons, make up artist and photo enhancing. Many of the models you see also suffer from eating disorders.
What is really important is that you are healthy. It is far better to be 10 pounds over weight, then 10 pounds underweight. If you are in the proper weight range for your height and weight then you should not be concerned. If you are at the top of the weight range than dieting to get in the middle of that range is probably a good idea.
One other thing you need to take into consideration about your present weight. That is why the sudden gain in weight. Usually when someone has maintained a certain wait for a long period of time then experiences a large weight gain there is reason for it. Some of those reason include:
Birth Control medication or change in this medication.
The taking of certain medications such as some antibiotics or antidepressant medication. Many long term maintenance drugs can also cause weight gain.
Undiagnosed depression. When we get depressed we tend to snack and eat more to feel good.
Undiagnosed illness.
I think it is important to find out why the sudden weight gain has happened. Then it will be easier to lose the weight if you so chose to do so.
What I suggest is a visit with your family doctor to discuss your sudden weight gain and have a complete physical including a GYN exam. Once you know the physically there is no reason for the weight gain and you are not overly stressed which is a major cause of depression. Then you can decide how and if you wish to lose the weight.
Last: Don't be mad at your boyfriend. You asked once to often and he finally was honest with you. Hopefully his honesty at least forced you to write to us. Maybe my answer will make you see a doctor to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with you. IF there is then maybe it is been caught early enough that it is of no major problem to correct.
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I think it's ok for a partner to say this if you truly wanted to know the truth. I mean in my own opinion, I wouldn't want to hear that from my partner.
If your boyfriend is a good guy, sweet and supportive and truly wasn't being mean or anything, then you're fine. As long as he loves you at the end of the day.
I really wanted to point out something. It's really good to accept yourself as you are. But it's also good to take care of yourself, so if you're healthy then you have nothing to worry about. A lot of skinny girls aren't healthy, some of them are though. So it's more on being fit and healthy than just being skinny or just being bigger. So I think you should strive more towards being healthy, not losing weight.
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Your partner was very frank. He answered truthfully so the good thing is that there are no secrets between how he feels. And of course you would feel hurt by hearing that just like anyone else would be.
But, if he doesn't accept you for who YOU are at the end of the day, then maybe he doesn't deserve you.
Just about everyone is attracted to the person who they chose to be with and a lot of people actually do want to be with a person who has both looks and personality, but if he stops liking you for it and doesn't want to be with you because of it, then that tells you a lot. It shows that looks is very important to that person, but for all the people who have good sence out there, we know that personality and being a good person should overcome that.
I dont know if you guys are in love with each other or so, but either way, he should look past your looks/weight if you are indeed a nice girlfriend and a good person to him.
Let's be honest though, some of us are hypocrites. If it was the other way around would you feel less interested in him if he were to gain weight and look less attractive? Maybe, maybe not. We shouldn't let looks get in the way.
Most importantly, if you are COMFORTABLE in your own skin, be who you are!
Another Very important is your HEALTH. Being healthy is way more important than being skinny. Not all skinny girls are healthy; that is a fact.
If you're comfortable being you then be yourself. But do what you feel is right for you. If you want to lose weight, that's good too. Staying fit is nice.
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I've struggled with this my whole life. Do I torture myself and be what's socially considered pretty, or do I enjoy my life, eat what I want and have fun?
Recently I tried an incredibly harsh diet. Very low calorie, very restrictive, no alcohol, no sugars, nothing. And yea, I lost crazy weight. But it sucked. I couldn't go out with friends to bars, I had to sit and watch people eat at restaurants. It just sucked. Right now I've been eating what I want, I don't restrict myself and it turns out that by not restricting myself, I actually eat less because I have less cravings. I weigh more but I'm happier and have more fun this way.
As for your boyfriend's response. If you don't want to hear the straight truth then don't ask. However, I would rather know the truth and find someone that loves me for who I am, over someone that lies to me to spare my feelings and doesn't really love me and my body. My boyfriend and I have gained weight since we got together, we both know it, but we still love each other. We work together to get motivated and work out occasionally and eat healthier. I think you should talk to him and let him know how his response made you feel. If he loves you then he will be willing to overlook your weight and encourage you to lose some, if that's what you want.
It's not up to him whether or not you need to lose weight. You determine your own happiness. If you want to lose weight, then do it. If you aren't concerned about your weight then don't worry about what other people think, just enjoy and have fun!
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Every relationship is unique.
Is it okay for your partner to have said this?
Yes. Obviously, in this context, it is. He wasn't attempting to bully or insult you. You asked him a direct question, more than once, and then he told you what he thought.
Frankly, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner felt they had to always lie, or even always lie on certain topics, but some people do have those kinds of relationships, and it seems to work for them.
If you want the kind of relationship where your boyfriend isn't honest with you on this, or any other specific topic, then just don't ask or tell him to shove it when he offers opinions you don't think are okay for him to say aloud. That's not the choice I'd make for myself, but it's certainly an option.
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