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my mom is holding a grudge against my dad's side of the family
Hey i am 24 years old and my mom has been holding a grudge against my dad's side of the family for years now ever since I was little and over the years it has gotten a lot worse when I 5 my dad molested me and ever since then my mom has been holding a grudge against my dad and his family even though my dad died when I was 12 she is still holding a grudge against him the reason she is holding a grudge against my aunt and one of my cousins is because they were really mean to her when she reported my dad and then they wouldn't talk to me for years because I had moved out and I have managed to forgive them but my mom hasn't and I have just started talking to them again about a year ago because I had moved out because my cousin who is autistic would be physically abusive and the got mad at because I moved out but like I said i have managed to forgive them and now going to their house house again but my mom can't seem to forgive them and is always bringing it up what should I do ?
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Well, in all honesty, I think the only thing you can do is let your mother know that you've forgiven them for the past and that you want to keep on building a relationship with them.
You can ask her to respect that, and to not insult them or drag up past actions with you. Those are the sorts of things she can take to her friends or therapist, not her daughter.
Other than that, you need to respect your mother's feelings.
She's allowed to not forgive them. This isn't a matter of someone getting mad about some little insult from decades ago - this is a matter of them not protecting you, a small child, or respecting your mother when she did try to protect you!
I'm not very good at holding a grudge, but if someone tried to stop me from protecting my child from someone who was hurting them, or didn't believe me as I tried to defend my child, I'm not sure I could ever forgive them.
I'm not saying your mother is right to hold onto this anger - it would certainly be better for her if she could manage to forgive - but I am saying that the wounds she has from that experience may go very, very deep. Although you are the one who was molested, she was the one who had to stand up for you and face the skepticism, insults and disappointments associated with keeping you safe.
It's good, for your health and your happiness, that you have been able to forgive, but you can't demand that of your mother. All you can ask is that she respects your choice, and doesn't involve you in her anger against them. At the same time you need to let her know clearly that this isn't a betrayal of her, and remember that this isn't some simple grudge she is carrying. Some of her anger towards them may be very valid, even this far in the future.
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