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AM I waiting for the right guy?
I am a 38 year old black female. I am dating a 55 year old white guy. He is in a loveless marriage. He says that he is afraid of his wife but wants to leave. He says that he loves me and wants to give me a baby. He lives in a different city and wants me to move there by getting an apartment near by. We have never been intimate besides discussing intimacy on the phone. I really don't know what do. I really love him but am concerned if he is really going to leave his wife. I don't want to be a single parent. I really want children. He said that if I get pregnant, he will marry me. Should I wait for him?
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Hon, when I was divorced and dating again and specifically spelled out in online dating sites that I would not have anything to do with guys who were married, I still had a couple who lied and after meeting me, confessed they were married. There were many others I simply talked to on line only.
I found that the biggest fear for them was financial. They felt they couldn't afford to pay for divorce and alimony and for some, when it came down to it, they loved their wife who had ended up being their best friend and they simply no longer had a sex life. The female didnt want it, he did.
Because of the strong tie that many of these "sex deprived" husbands have with their wives, none of them want to leave her. However all of them didn't want to hurt their wifes feelings and wanted to keep the need to find a woman outside of the marriage for a sex relationship a secret.
You used totally different words than I did. you said loveless marriage. and that he feared her. why does he fear her. is it fearing her retribution if he asked for a divorce or is he a person who is being verbally and physically abused by the wife. And there the possibility he's lieing thru his teeth.
A more scary scenerio is whats really going on if what he says is true. I would wonder about the emotional stability and self image or self worth of this individual. I was a verbally abused woman in 1st marriage. An abused person usually has a low self image. The abuse will slowly kill whatever love was there in the beginning, thus the loveless marriage. Such a person cant expect anyone else to reach in and help them. They need to find their own inner strength and leave their partner for good. If he cant or won't, then he is weak of character to begin with and wanting to get another female pregnant and become a dad at his age is sheer lunacy. While some people make a better parent if they wait to mature and get out of their twenties, this guy is 20 years older than that. If a child was born today, he'd be 73 years old when his kid graduates high school. All its life the kid would have to explain thats not his grandpa but his dad...and thats even if he was emotionally whole enough to be in a relationship with you. You have no marriage partner and no child. dont let that biological clock and desire for a child end up pairing you with a man who needs a mommy not a wife. You could end up with a 55 yr old child to raise including a baby too. I dont think thats what you want.
You didn't say whether you've ever been able to meet in real life and spend some time together. You only mention talking on the phone. How did you meet? The internet? If so, the internet should be used as a tool simply to become aware of the existance of a person, not to attempt to try to have a relationship via computer, skype, phone calls...its all an illusion, not real. Our minds are good at playing games with us and we believe things about the other than in real life do not exist. I did internet dating. My rule was to talk to a guy a couple times if he said he had same interests and goals in life and if he still was consistant in speaking on those topics, we met in person many times in public, coffee shops., restaurants. What a photo or lack of face to face time spent can hide, meeting in person over time consistantly can not. This man wants YOU to make the sacrifice, move to be near him, possibly have to change jobs, and whats he willing to sacrifice? He's just gonna sit there with his wife and wait for someone willing to be the strong person that he is not, someone to take care of him and in exchange, in payment, he promises to give you a baby. It sounds like a business transaction, not a relationship. It wouldn't be fair to baby just because you assumed he'd be there for you. Its not about being bi-racial, my niece and nephew are bi racial with well adjusted lives and a mom and dad who are very emotionally strong and mature.
Your question, am I waiting for the right man? If looking for both husband and daddy material, I must say with him the answer is no. he is not the right guy.
I am worried for you that at 38 you haven't begun to have some constructive idea's on what to look for as a good match, even though there aren't many good men out there today. Start reading some books on what a healthy relationship is, like trust, good communication, honesty, two individuals who are complete in themselves and not looking for someone to complete them. That line is a bunch of hogwash. Those who aren't strong enough to stand on their own become dependant and lean too heavily on their partner, where one is allowed to not grow up as a person because the other is enabling them.
If you want a baby so bad that you don't care who the dad is, you could always go to the sperm bank and raise a child on your own. Since you don't want to be a single parent, if finding the right man is more important and takes precedence over getting pregnant tho both are important to you, then focus on finding the right guy first. For that, you need to know what it is you need and want first in a guy. Who are you really at core, what do you have to offer a relationship...what makes you, you? This will help make it easier to spot the right guy when you find him. At your age, you don't have much time to be having kids and soon that window of opportunity may be gone. You might do better looking for guys in their 30's who are mature, have not married before and are still looking for the one and would still like to have at least one child of their own and they have always preferred older more experienced woman, not because they are looking for a mommy, but men who are looking for an equal who can pull their own weight and the girls younger than him he finds too immature still.
That is what you are looking for, no matter what color his skin is.
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Aren't you better than being the other women? He needs to end his marriage before moving on with you. Chances are he is not going to leave her and you will be stuck raising your child alone. not to mention long distance relationship. Yes is exciting and wonderful now but things change drastically once you are together day in and day out. As a 38 year old woman you know this isn't right. you've heard dr. Phil say i'm sure "If he does it with you he'll do it to you'. you are headed down a terrible road. move on to someone who is available single and someone you have spent a lot of time with getting to know his family and friends which will tell a lot about him. You know this isn't right. You have got to know it in your heart it's time to move on. Now if he divorces his wife and you all begin dating for some time that is a whole other ball game but while he is married he is dead wrong and you are wrong for interfering in his marriage. Lastly he'll be nearly 80 when the children are off to college. Think about it . . . You are worth so much more.
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