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Parents took my child
I am a 22 yr old male. I need advice in dealing with the relationship between my parents & I. One year ago I had my first child, my girlfriend & I were living with my parents at the time. My mother said some really hurtful things to my girlfriend and then called the law on us. Our newborn son was removed from us for one month and my parents had him during that time. My parents took me to court to try and get custody of my son. They told us they weren't, but I did not trust them, still don't. They cheated me of a month of my son's life. I'm angry that they called the law on me & my girlfriend and feel that they are wrong and could have handled things differently. I feel that my mother is trying to control my life and take away my son. I know she does not like my girlfriend and feel that my parents will do anything to take our son away from us again. My parents want to talk to me and have said that they are sorry, but I do not believe them or trust them. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them. I allow them to spend time with my son, but feel they abuse my generosity and always want more time than I tell them they can have. If it wasn't for my girlfriend convincing me to let my son see them, I'd never let them see my son or ever talk to them again. I think he should only stay with them one weekend a month, but they always want more! Should I take my son away and never allow them to see him again and kick them out of my lives now? It also angers me that they do not respect our rules with our son, they let him get by with stuff we do not and he is difficult to deal with after spending a few days with my parents. How do I deal with this? They are wrong in what they did and they don't seem to get it. They think they are right and are better parents than we are! They don't respect me or my rules and feel like I have to set strict boundaries with them. I just want them to leave me and my family alone, my son needs us, not my parents!! What would you do??
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That is your son . you have a RIGHT to see him . And you are a grown man . you need to put your foot down and do what is best for you and your family .
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Advice man said all there was to say. I just want to share my own experience with my dad who was wasn't with mom anymore, but heard from her and called to warn me that she had called CPS, child protective services on us. At least I was mentally prepared, the following day a woman came by to see us, talk with us see a happy well adjusted 2 year old and we shared with her our disciplining style based on a Christian book on parenting that we were following because how we tried to teach and discipline wasn't something mom was comfortable with. OUr child was never taken from us tho.
But I was hurt. How did I get past that betrayal?
I put myself in moms shoes. How would I feel if I were the grandma and saw I my daughter raising her child in a way that I didn't totally approve of. I didn't like that helpless feeling, worried for the welfare of the child who is not being physically harmed and all their needs taken care of but I would be concerned if the child wasnt trained to respect their elders, if the child defied everyone at every turn, had a potty mouth and wouldn't respect the rules. I could see where mom was coming from. So we explained more to her of what we were doing, let her come over to our place where we can say when its time for her to go. But she was able to watch us with the child, hang out long enough, beyond the point where we could possibly keep up a pretense if there was one. Now that I am a grandma, looking back, it really is a young age at which to become parents, and due to your age and inexperience, you may mess up on some things, but we all do. The thing is to learn from them. And parenting is just that, a learn as you go process that we all need to go through...if you get a chance to say anything like this to them, i'd remind them of it. You might tell them that you will use them as a sounding board, come to them for their input or views on issues with the child which you may or may not consider but in the end since you are the parents, it's your decision. And yes, grandparents can tend to be too lenient and set no guidelines for grandchildren. You can only stress how important it is to you and limit how often the kid is totally alone with the grandparents. Here's a bright point..when kids get old enough to begin to reason with, you can remind them at the door that whatever the gp's let them do, if it goes against the rules at home, it will not be allowed. And kids are great at following the rules where boundaries are set and trying to get away with everything where the parenting style is different, not just at GP's but when visiting homes of their friends when older. I have the reverse issue with my granddaughter. My daughter is extremely lax and doesnt seem to have a clue when it comes to setting rules and boundaries. So when the granddaughter was over at my place. I began to work with her on what was allowed and not. At just 1 1/2 she would walk around at home and when tired of a cookie or cracker, just drop it to the floor. She was not allowed to do that at my place. I explained she had 3 choices. Some kids even at a young age, like to be given choices as long as each choice is something you can live with.
Told her she could hand it to me to dispose of, place it on a table or in the garbage but not drop food on the floor. She understood and fought me when I asked her to now pick up the piece of food she dropped. She refused. So I took her little hand and placed it over the food asking that she pick it up. I had to be patient to stand my ground for a period of 20 minutes until she finally gave in and picked it up at which point I congratulated her and asked her where she'd like to put it where I stated was okay. She thought using the garbage pail was pretty cool. I have had issues on other things as she got older. She's now 5. My sis told me she had my granddaughter overnight. She played with the cats water dish, spilling the water and was told not to. So she was told it was a rule there to leave it alone so water was always available for the cat. She said she understood but repeated the offense. Sis told her, that as much as she liked having her over, if she could not follow the rules, she would be taken home immediately. Immediately she apologized and said she would follow the rules. Please dont take me home because I am having fun here.
There is hope for your child, no matter what the homes are like where your kid visits, he will adapt to act accordingly at each place. As young as he is, right now it will still be a battle to get him to switch over when he comes back home. But over time as the routine is established, and enforced, he will come to understand and not be as difficult when he comes home.
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There is probably more to the story then you have related here. I would have liked to have known more about the removal of your son from your custody, why it was done and what was said to the police by your mom. Removing a child, especially a newborn from its mother is not something the police or child services does easily. The fact that he was returned to you so fast tells me whatever was said was found not to be true in part or in totality.
In any case I can understand how this event could anger you towards your parents and why you are asking us the questions you have asked. Your girlfriend is not wrong when she insists that your son should see your parents. It is not that they need to see him but that he needs to see them. They are for right or wrong part of his family.
That being said you and your girlfriends are his parents. If your parents do not abide by your parenting rules which would include any rules you have for them while he is in there care. Then visitation with them may or should be modified. It does not matter what they think if you're being too strict with him. He is your son. As long as you are properly caring for him and he is not being abused or denied proper medical care, food or clean clothes. They have no say in how you and your girlfriend chose to bring him up.
As I am old enough to be a grandparent I will admit part of being a grandparent is the fact that grandparents are more likely to spoil grandchildren than they spoiled their own. Two reasons for this is they are more financially able to know and every child deserves a bit of spoiling now and then, with in reason.
Visitation is a right you and your girlfriend grant unto the grandparents, Aunts and Uncles if you choose to do so. Grandparents and Uncles, in most states do not have visitation rights under the law. If your parents will not abide by your rules than visitation might have to be changed to only with you or your girlfriend present.
Since there seems to be a great deal of contention between you and your parents. I would suggest you contact a lawyer to seek legal advice as none of us are lawyers. This is to prevent or forestall any future attempt by you mom to take your son away .
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You've left out a hell of lot of details. I struggle to believe that the court removed your child from you for a month for no reason. I struggle to believe that the police were called for no reason, if them being called resulted in you loosing custody for a month.
So, I'll answer what I can.
Should I take your son away and never allow them to see him again?
No. You should not do that. You haven't said that they have abused him, and that is really the only valid reason to cut them out. More importantly, legally you cannot kick them out of his life. In most states grandparents have legal visitation rights. The last thing you want to do it get the law involved again because you've denied your parents visitation.
It's good to set strict boundaries with your parents. There is no reason to agree to visits you are not comfortable with. Unless you are under court order to allow a certain kind of visitation, you don't have to allow your parents to have unsupervised or overnight visitation. You or your girlfriend can go with your son when he visits. That might help you enforce your families rules and boundaries even when he is at his grandparents.
As far as your rules are concerned, you need to have flexibility. Again, so long as your parents aren't putting his health in danger, it's not unrealistic for there to be different rules in their home than in yours. Your son is perfectly capable of understanding that the rules in your home are different than the rules in grandma's home. He is likely behaving difficulty largely because he sense your frustration with your parents and can push some buttons that way. Relax and simply reenforce your rules. Ignore any complaints he has about 'but they let me do X'. It's not relevant.
Also, maybe you should see a therapist to help you have a safe place to handle some of your anger, and come up with better coping techniques.
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