|
I cheated,,,not sure how to deal with it/move on
I cheated on my Boyfriend. We've been dating for almost 3 and a half years.
I didn't sleep with the guy, we've made out twice (we're both in a relationship). So I suppose, I've cheated twice.
I feel all sorts of emotions, including guilt. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with the temptation and I don't know how I should deal with why I feel all this temptation and a need to cheat in the first place. Dealing with guilt and other emotions is another thing too...
If anyone could offer me any advice on this subject, it'd be much appreciated.
Thanks
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hi there,
You say you are afraid your boyfriend won't trust you... let me ask you to be completely honest for a second here: Should your boyfriend trust you? Can you give me one reason why he should? If you are being honest, then you know the answer is that you are not being a trustworthy person anymore.
You must be honest. You must come clean on this, or it will eat you alive.
Having been cheated on and lied to for YEARS about it, I can tell you a couple things you should know:
1.) I wish she had just been honest and told me the truth right up front. Sure, there would have been some hurt, but waiting until you are in your second trimester, pregnant by another man, mind you, to break up with someone is pretty low.
2.) He knows something is wrong. He may not know what, but the feelings you are having are things he can sense. He knows things have changed, but not what or why. Trust me on this one.
3.) Somehow these things ALWAYS come out. Trust me on this one. It is FAR better that he finds this out from you than someone else.
Other people have already answered the part about how to deal with the temptation, so I will skip that. The sad truth about that temptation is that you are not happy in this relationship.
Plainly said: You aren't getting something from this relationship. Whatever that is is going to continue to poison this until you figure it out.
You really, sincerely, should level with your boyfriend. After that, it would be a good idea to seek counseling.
Something else to consider: I don't know what your version of "making out" is, but now that we live in an age where you can get oral cancer from simply kissing one of the many people infected with HPV, it is worth your time to consider the risk, not only to yourself, but to your boyfriend.
You know, in your heart, that your relationship is over. I know you do. Sure, you don't want it to be over... but when you are to the point where you have become completely untrustworthy, and don't' want to be honest, because then your partner won't trust you, well, written out like that, I hope you can see the point:
You didn't express concern for your boyfriend's health, just worried about him "...not trust(ing) any potential guy I talk to."
Again, why should he trust you?
What I wish would have happened in my case, was that she told me, we ended things, and she sought counseling for her relationship issues before she got into another relationship, and did exactly the same thing over again.
Please, do the right thing. Search your heart. The guilt you feel is there for a reason.
If you ever cared about your boyfriend, even a little bit, then you owe it to him to let him find someone he can trust. Who knows, after counseling and sorting your motives out, that person may be you... but if your aren't honest now, and seek help, then you will not EVER be someone he would consider trusting again.
I wish you all the best from here on out.
]
I don't know your age so there is always the chance that if under 25, the reason you are having difficulty sorting it out and making the best decisions and doing things you regret later, is because the part of the brain responsible for making good decisions, for sound reasoning, is not fully developed until that time. If thats your case, it is good to look for advice, just remember to go looking for others as sounding boards BEFORE you take a certain action rather than after. Its much easier.
If you are close to mid twenties or older and fairly mature for your age but battling a desire for relationships with multiple guys at the same time...it would be an entirely different situation.
It may be that you simply are not monogamous in your makeup, of who you are at core. There is such a relationship descriptions called Poly amory meaning having more than one love. The partners may be married or single but have more than one person they enjoy and love.. and it isn't about just having sex with more than one person, sometimes its a relationship without the sex. BUT it is always about a real attraction to and caring about who that other person is on the inside, and sex if it developes is just one of many ways to express that love, (its why its also called love-making)
So it is just the sex you are there for or are you truly in love with two? If this is who you are, then you need to know that to be poly, you must be able to openly share that up front so that those who cannot or will not want to share a female, wont. And it goes both ways, could you allow the man you love to have another female he loves as well? Its the hardest relationship configuration to deal with and even the most mature people struggle with it. I am not quick to recommend it. But for those who are like this, its not something to feel guilty about. Be its something to be honest about and all partners should know each other and abide by boundaries and ground rules to keep themselves safe from STDs just as any 2 person relationship.
Now the other possibility is that since you've been a good amt of time with this relationship, if you never dated around before, it could be subconsciously you are feeling that you might be missing out on something and want to explore your sexuality with others.
There's nothing wrong with that either. Doing it behind your partners back, someone you have committed to being in a relationship with, and remain monogamous with, is wrong. If you don't tell him, the guilt will eat away at you and whether he knows or not, you will, and it will change your relationship with him just because you know what you did. the option of telling him, means he will be hurt, and may decide to eventually forgive, or may decide to break up with you.
Is it only this one other guy you have issues of attraction to? If so, avoid him and don't place yourself in temptations way.
However if you have a high libio that isn't being satified at home, eventually there are plenty other guys who will catch your attention.
So another question is: even though sex is fair, okay or good with boyfriend, is there really a great chemistry with him? It's long past the time when NRE new relationship energy will have subsided, is that spark still there? If it isn't, perhaps you're not with the best possible guy. It isn't fair to him. And it would be best for you to end the relationship and in this case you don't have to tell him what you did.
If the two of you have a great relationship but you find you are having this struggle of wanting to sleep with others all the time, theres a possibility you are addicted to sex and there is therapy for that. He would need to know what you are struggling with if you are professionally diagnosed as such, and that it caused you to be unfaithful already twice. As you can see, there are many possilbe scenerios that might apply here, and without knowing you and your situation more in depth, I can't really help you more.
]
Telling him is all up to you. If you can stay with him and not feel guilty about it.
You need to stop and think. Do you want to stay with your boyfriend? If you do, then you need to stop. You need to cut yourself off from this other guy completely. If the temptation is there, you'll most likely run to it again.
If you don't want to be with your boyfriend, then break up. It'll save a lot of pain and heartache.
So either break up or stop talking to this other guy. Everything will turn out the way it's supposed to.
]
My most immediate advice is, if you love your boyfriend and wish to stay together with him, then stop this. Stop it now.
Making out with this other guy can feel exciting, but in the end, it's never worth it. You feel guilty, and if you were to be caught, most likely, that would be the end of your relationship. All for some kissing.
I've dealt with this before, and the temptation is all about the thrill. It's like you're a little kid all over again, sneaking out of your bedroom window. It's thrilling, yes, but eventually, you'll get caught and the consequences are never good.
You need to cut yourself off from the temptation period. Don't see this other guy, don't talk to him. Making out is one thing, but making out leads to sex, and imagine how horrible you will feel then? What I would say is that, if you can resolve to stop doing this with this guy, then move on with your life, be together with your boyfriend and be happy. Telling him is up to you at that point. If you can't, then it may be time to think about if you really want to be together with your boyfriend in the first place. Maybe it's time to move on?
Take a long hard look at what YOU want. What's going to make you happy? Cheating is hurtful to your boyfriend and if the other guy makes you happy then, be with him. If not then remove yourself from the temptation once and for all!
]
More Questions: |