I'm not here to tell you what to think or do, but to give you as much honest, accurate information as possible. If I don't know an answer to a specific question, I'll research it before replying. I won't sugarcoat things; my job is to tell it like it is.
I've got a particular interest in sexual health and sexuality. I know a lot about fertility and pregnancy - and firsthand now, as I've just had twins. I'm also an accredited sexual health worker.
Gender: Female
Occupation: Counsellor, writer, mother of twins.
Age: 31
Member Since: August 9, 2004
Answers: 1493
Last Update: November 5, 2009
Visitors: 173026
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I'm a girl and I'm 14. I'm attracted to the female body, but in an artistic way. I want to tell my friends, and show them some of my artwork, but I'm afraid they'll think I'm a perverted homosexual or something like that. Anyone have any advice on what to do or say? (link)
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First of all, homosexuals aren't perverted. So even if your friends DID think you were gay, that's not necessarily a horrible thing.
You can calmly explain that you're not gay. Tell them what you said in this question - that you are artistically drawn to the female body. There's nothing wrong with that.
If you treat your drawings as normal, which they are, then your friends might just go along with it. If you are obviously uncomfortable or weirded out by the idea of showing them your drawings, they will pick up on those feelings and even MORE weirdness will ensure.
Bottom line, don't show them until you are ready. It's your art and you shouldn't have to make excuses to anyone.
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Whenever I masturbate, I dont understand how fingering yourself is pleasurable, I mean I do masturbate and orgasm, but its not from fingering myself, am I doing the whole fingering thing wrong? (16/f)
*Please dont delete, I really am having trouble with this..*
* i rate 5's* (link)
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Most females orgasm as a result of stimulating the clitoris rather than actual penetration. It's a common myth, particularly among young people, that fingering is the 'right' or 'only' way to masturbate.
But as you've happily found out, it isn't. You've discovered what works for you, and that's the most important thing.
There are no rights or wrongs of masturbation if you feel happy with your choice to masturbate, and it's a big bonus that you've managed to overcome the myth of fingering and find the reality of the clitoris.
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I have been going out with my boyfriend for a long time now. I love him so much and he asked me to marry him. I told him yes of course because I have never felt this way about anyone and he is flawless. But the thing is, I am only 16 years old. And latley, aka as of two days ago, I have been having doubts and it doesnt feel the same. Nothing happened between us, it just feels different. I want to love this guy again, because the love I had for him was perfect. I dont want to lose him for feeling this. What can I do to 'rekindle' the flame again? (link)
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It's the pressure and the reality of the situation hitting you - you are too young to be engaged. I'm not judging you here, because most people feel they will be with their high school sweethearts forever (and many seroiusly discuss marriage), but the fact remains that your personality isn't even finished growing until your mid-twenties. Neither is his.
That's not to say you can't or won't end up together, but that it is too soon. Your mind recognizes this on some level, which is why your feelings have changed.
It's too soon to be engaged. If you are both truly in love, then you should be able to explain to him that the situation is too rushed. Let him know how deeply you love him, but that you are not ready for a marriage type of committment. That way you can stay together, grow up individually, and see where you grow together as a couple.
It's not a bad thing to do this - it's the only way to give your relationship a fair chance. Best of luck.
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Hey, I recently had sex with this guy I only knew for a week, and I found out the other day that I am pregnant, and he has giveing me some kindof STD but I dont know what because I havent been to the health department about it yet but I plan on going soon, the day befor yesterday I found out I was pregnant, and I'm thinking that I have no other choice then to get an abortion because whatever I may have it could affect the baby and the baby could be born with all sorts of problems, but I am so confused on what I should do, I talked to my ex boyfriends friend today and his friend told me that my ex boyfriend has been giveing people who he has sex with something but I dont know what and I am scared that I am in danger myself and that it could be deadly and I dont want to get my first child that I am ever pregnant with get an abortion because I know thats going to be with me for the rest of my life...my ex boyfriend doesnt know that I am pregnant and any of the other girls he has given something he doesnt care at all and he doesnt use a condom with girls...I am scared though I am only 15 and haveing to make up my mind about what I should do and everything leads to haveing an abortion because I dont want to have my baby suffering...does anyone think I am doing the right thing by haveing an abortion? Thats my question am I doing the right thing?...I know I shouldnt have had sex to begin with and I have heard of STD's but I never thought I would be the one haveing one...I know that I have made mistakes and believe me I am paying for them, but could anyone who has been through this tell me if I am doing the right thing by getting an abortion....Thanks, I'll rate high to any answers that are not being sarcastic..thanks Bye (link)
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Before you make a decision about whether or not to have an abortion, you should get the full story. Go to a doctor as soon as possible, get tested for STDs, find out the treatment, and ask about how that could affect the baby you are carrying. If your main concern is passing something onto the child or causing them some sort of suffering, then your mind will likely be put to rest by what a doctor can tell you - many STDs can be treated with oral antibiotics, and they won't affect your health too seriously.
It's important to find out exactly where you stand, because this minimizes your chances of having significant regrets. Imagine how you would feel if you had an abortion, and then discovered afterward that your STD would have had no affect on the baby.
When you have all the information about your situation, then you are armed to make the choice that is best for you. Either way, you're going to need some sort of counselling - the sooner the better. Most abortion clinics require counselling before you can undergo the procedure.
I'll also point out that due to your age, I'm not sure if your treatment for an STD or an abortion can be kept from your parents.
But as you aren't sure what type of STD you have, let alone if you actually have one, go to a doctor! You'll also want a doctor to confirm the pregnancy.
Any choice you make will have good and bad sides, but the key is making sure you feel confident it is the best decision for you at this point. Right now, you don't sound very confident.
You might have got yourself into this situation, but to get yourself into a BETTER situation you're going to need to calm down, breathe, and get to a doctor. Having the support of an adult you trust will be invaluable.
Best of luck.
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i have a friend and she's my neighboor.we have been friends for a long time.but there are these
two other boys who she always hangs out with and i don't like those boys.they never invite me to hang out with them and even if they did i wouldn't
want to because they always do things or talk about thing's i don't like.it's like she always stands up for them and she's against me.i think i feel left out.please help! (link)
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You're normal for feeling left out. It's a human thing to feel. The problem isn't how you feel, but what you plan to do about it.
You have two options:
1. Since you don't want to hang out with these boys, enjoy the fact that they don't ask you. Your friend is free to have other friends, and you won't both like the same people. She can like them and like you, too.
2. You can ask her to choose between you, and chances are she won't pick you. Most people don't do well when given an either/or sort of choice.
I think you should let her know that you feel left out, and that you just want some reassurance that your friendship is still important to her. If she says she still wants to be your friend, then you either have to believe her or move on. Why lose a friendship because other people are involved? You guys can't be together 24/7 anyway.
Make sure you've still got time to do things with just the two of you, and then you can spend time with other friends/activities when she's hanging out with these boys.
Of course, if the 'things' these other boys are doing are inappropriate or dangerous, you'll want to have a serious talk with your friend and/or a responsible adult. If you just don't like their style, then that's fine. Not everybody likes everyone else, but it's about being able to exist peacefully in the same space.
It can be frustrating and sad to feel left out, but ultimately you'll realize she's not picking between you - she's got enough friendship to go around.
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ok im 13 female and i started cutting because family and friend problems and i stopped 4 like 2 weeks and then i got so mad and deprest i cut again and now i want to really bad but i promised myself i wouldnt do it again because im scared someones going to find out about it and send me to a mental home or something beause of it and i have thought about killing myself one or twice but i havent gone threw with it yet but i trie to hide it from my mom and my teachers so i dont wear shorts or anything and i wear a jacket most the time so that no one see the scares but i really need help and i was going to tell someone about it but im to scared so can anyone give me advise because i could really use some right now??? please help (link)
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First of all, you aren't going to be locked up in some grim place full of howling lunatics. It doesn't work like that.
You do need to tell someone because you need help. You could always ask your parents if you could go see a therapist because you have problems you want to talk about, and then work with the therpist to both stop cutting and to figure out how to tell your family. Because of your age, I'm not sure a therapist could keep your medical info confidential, but they COULD be with you when you told your parents.
Do you really want to live a life where you are constantly worrying about hiding your cuts or scars? Where you have to censor what you say so that no one guesses your problems?
Life like this is not life at all - you're not true to yourself, you don't give people a chance to know you, and you don't give yourself a chance to heal.
Everyone has mental distress at some point in their life; they all have different ways of dealing with you. Cutting is the way you have chosen to try to control your emotions. Unfortunately, it's no longer a choice if you can't stop - it's only adding to your problems.
There's no shame in sharing your problems with people you trust and getting help. That is not weak...that is the strongest thing you could do in this situation. Best of luck.
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i babysit this 11 yr old boy, max and i am 13/f he is taller than me and is quite mature for his age. the thing is latley he's been acting really strange. he asked me if i had my period yet and i tried to change the subject but he was persistant. oh, and the other night we were watching a movie at his house (lion king) and he is younger than me so he like layed down on me and pretended to be asleep. then i fell asleep too. when i woke up he was like all over me and touching my boobs. i dont know what to do. his parents pay well and i need the money badly. should i tell his parents, will they hire me agian? should i talk to him? HELP! (link)
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Yes, you should tell his parents. Sit down with them and tacfully explain the situation.
There is a strong chance you won't be asked to watch him again, but I don't know how appropriate it is for you to be babysitting someone so close to your own age.
If this happens in the future, you need to firmly tell the child that it is inappropriate behaviour for the situation and you do not welcome it. And then you'll need to tell their parents. It is the only responsible thing to do.
While Max is just experiencing hormones and puberty, that does not make it appropriate to be doing so with someone who is supposed to be caring for him. You are obviously uncomfortable, and no amount of money excuses you being treated like a lump of meat and feeling so badly.
Make some flyers to hand out in your neighborhood or local library, and find some younger kids who don't want to play any games other than Connect Four or Twister.
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Im sorry to say that most of the time , when I sleep I dream about killing people or I die in my dreams, me and my grilfriend are really worried about this, does anyone have and advice for me? (link)
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Dreams are dreams - things that happen when you are not conscious. You cannot control them.
What you CAN do is one of two things (or both things!):
1. Decide not to let your dreams bother you. Accept them for what they are, your brain's way of dealing with leftover emotions from a busy day.
2. Find a counsellor who is experienced in discussing dreams and what they might mean. This is the opposite advise of #1, because these psychotherapists believe that dreams DO have deeper meanings. Discussing your dreams with a professional might help you work through deeper problems, or just set your mind at rest.
Of course, you COULD always google 'dream dictionary' and see what comes up.
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i have a really odd habit of looking at peoples mouths when they talk. i am fairly short (often eye level with the chins of my peers), and tend to read lips in a noisy environment or other instances where i have trouble understanding people. Friends have commented on this before and i would really like to stop. Do you have any tips as to how to break this habit? thanks! (link)
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I'd be more worried about why you can't understand people in a noisy environment than the fact that you appear to be lip reading.
Go and schedule a hearing test. If your hearing is below average, you'll be able to get that sorted out. If it's not, the lip reading still isn't a problem.
When people are listening to other people, they use a variety of strategies they probably aren't aware of - lip reading, sensing body language, watching facial expressions. Listening is much more than picking up some sound waves in your ears, and it sounds like you are an intent listener. That's a good quality.
If your hearing is fine and you still are not comfortable with your lip reading habit, then you'll have to find a way to break it. This could involve switching eyes for lips - look into people's eyes while they talk.
Whether you keep or break your habit, let your friends know. If you choose to be a lip reader for purposes of helping you understand a conversation, then your friends should appreciate the fact that you so badly want to hear what they are saying. Many people would kill for a friend who was a good listener.
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okay, so because i go to a private school, it ends at 4;00 pm
so i get home around 5:00. Everyday of the week i have something afetr school-so by the time i have dinner and start doing homework it is about 8:00, i am so overwelmed but my mom insists on me having these afetr school activities. the only day i have to myself is friday-but my mom usually makes me clean my room or something, so i don't even have that. What should i do, i don't wanna cancel any of them cuz i like them. But i also don't wanna be so tired and nervous all the time. I even have to do my homework in school cuz i don't wanna fail or i wake up at like 5:00 am so that i finish my hw. What should i do?
-dorinflower55 (link)
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There's nothing wrong with not being perfect. Nobody can do everything, and it sounds as if you are feeling pressured to do just that. If you do everything well, you'll never have a chance to do a few things fantastically.
Why not sit down and look at your schedule? You're obviously not happy with things the way they are, and if you figure out a rational plan before approaching your mother, you'll have a better chance of winning her over.
Figure out how much time you are spending on each activity. Figure out what your priorities are - after school, which one activity do you truly enjoy and would hate to give up? When making your choice, focus on an activity which makes you feel happy, excited, and connected - not what you feel you should like because it is expected.
When talking with your mom, you'll want to sound as calm and expressive as you have been in this question. Honestly explain your stress levels, focus on how you want to succeed at school, discuss how you want to spend your free time doing something you love. While it's okay to like all of the activities you are in now, they obviouly are not making you happy.
So go on. Be happy, being perfectly imperfect.
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My girlfriends bummed because I'm down on myself. She's wondering how she could boost my self-esteem. Any ideas? (link)
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Your girlfriend can't affect your self esteem. Only you can do that.
Of course, having an incredible person care deeply about you will make you feel better about yourself - but at the end of the day, it always comes back to how YOU feel about you.
So think about what she said. ARE you down on yourself? Why? What specifically bothers you?
And now the most important part - What can you do to fix these problems?
No matter your situation or personality, you deserve to be in a place where you can like and respect yourself. You obviously care about your girlfriend; you're caring, concerned about your relationship, and concerned about yourself. Those are big signs that you are ready to make changes in how you feel about yourself.
As to how to do it? Well, there's as many ways as there are people in the world. Write a list of everything you love about yourself. Take a class in something you've always wanted to try - karate, violin, drama, rugby. Keep a journal where you write down your stresses, good times, and questions. Above all, be honest.
Let your girlfriend know that you appreciate her concern and that you are working on the problem. She can't take those steps for you, but she CAN hold your hand while you do so.
Best of luck.
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does anyone know someone who got into a university in the US with lower than a 3.2 GPA? More specifically- does anyone know how leniant the University of Hawaii is on applying students? (link)
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There are plenty of options for people with lower GPAs. One of them is doing research - on your own, or with a school guidance counsellor - about universities that have lower standards. You can get a well-rounded, quality education at these schools, as you can still choose the courses than are most appropriate to you.
Another option is enrolling in a community college. After studying at one, a university will look at your CC grades rather than your high school GPA. In this way, it's possible to recover from a crash and burn high school experience.
As for the University of Hawaii, you'll need to phone them, look on their website, and request info about the school to be sent to you. Most universities do not only consider a GPA, but also your extra-curricular activities, the level of classes you took, and the difficulty of your high school. It's a complicated structure, and an adviser from the university would be able to help you.
Apply for that school if you feel you qualify, but make sure to apply to at least four other schools as well. That way you've always got a fallback choice if life throws you a curve.
Best of luck.
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Okay, this is for a friend - one of my best friends and I've never had a real boyfriend before so I need some good advice to give her. Shes really at the lowest of lows right now and I really want to help her.
OK so last summer she went to this day camp for a week and met a tennis teacher there. I think she was 13 at the time and he was 15? 16? Well he thought she was 15 and she had a crush on him and for some odd reason or another she never ended up telling her age. So long story short they ended up haveing this great romantic summer fling that ended with a romantic kiss and all that jazz.
It's almost been a year now and she hasn't gotten over him. She would have contacted him but she lost his e-mail. This past year she has also been in a on and off relationship with her boyfriend (there going out at the moment and doing fine). But her boyfriend smokes pot and is depressed. I told her that if she really cares for him that she should get him to stop smokeing and to get some help. But even I know that he would never EVER go to a shrink or anything. Hes too independent and would never admitt that something is wrong with him. The reason that she would never say "if you don't stop smokeing and get some help I'm going to break up with you", is because she has already brocken up with him four times and that would hurt him badly and her might 'do something stupid'.
Her boyfriend loves her and cares for her but he doesn't know how to listen and can't help with these problems. Plus he might like another girl.
She loves this guy from tennis camp and can't stop thinking about him. Yet she also loves her boyfriend and she can't see him often.
can you give me some advice to give her?
p.s. sorry it's long just want to give you the whole story. (link)
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Don't be sorry for writing so much - the more information you give me, the more informed my answer can be!!
First of all, I understand that it can be hard to get over any relationship, but summer relationships can be harder than most. I mean, you're away from reality in the hot weather, having a fling in a place that is not part of your regular life. It's understandable she has those feelings - but I would ask her to consider HIS feelings. She may have lost his email address, but has he tried to contact her?
If not, there's always the chance he lost her details, too. But a more realistic option is that he isn't interested in carrying anything on beyond the summer. Her options? To realistically understand nothing further is going to happen, and to work through her feelings.
As far as her current boyfriend, I think she should break up with him. She's broken up with him four times in the past, which shows that something isn't right. No matter how much two people want to be together, their personalities, goals, or lifestyles can just mean a match isn't right for one or both of the people. There's obviously problems there, least of all his problem with pot.
Your friend really has no control over whether or not her boyfriend will do drugs. Or whether he will 'do anything stupid,' such as suicide or self-harming. Not only does she not have control, but it's not her responsibility. The choices he makes are totally and completely up to him.
Your friend needs to be worried about making the choices that are best for her. Being with one boy while still caring for another isn't a good idea. Being with a boy who smokes a lot of pot, which she doesn't support, is not a good idea. Being with a boy who might like another girl is - you guessed it - not a good idea.
There are plenty of guys out there who want more than a summer fling, and who make positive and healthy life choices. While your friend can't control her heart, she's going to need to look a lot more closely at her head. She needs to do what is absolutely best for her - even if that means hurting her boyfriend. Staying with him is like supporting his drug habit, and in the long run that will hurt him even more.
Hope some of this helped.
PS - Sorry it's so long, just wanted to give you a full answer!;)
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Ok, here's the deal. I have HIGH morals, and one of them is that i dont want to kiss a guy untill i get married. Well. theres this guy that i really like and he likes me. and if we go out i know that he'll wanna kiss me and i've been thinkg about it and i wanna kiss him. what do i do?? I am afraid if i dont then i'll regret it. And i think i'll regret it if i don't.
What do I do ??
(link)
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No one can tell you what to do. You need to find some quiet time to sit down and really think about how you feel. Think about all the reasons you've wanted to wait, and then think about all the reasons you now want to kiss this guy.
Weigh up the options. More guys - and possible kisses - will come along. Either decision is right if you feel 100% okay about it.
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Ok this is a stupid question but i'll ask it anyway. What should you tell a guy if he ask you if you're a virgin? Evereyone is telling me different. some of my male friends tell me that you should defenetly tell them that your a virgin because all guys like the girls to be like pure and clean and stuff (i dont know, thats what they tell me) and that if your a virgin they will like you more because it will be like a big deal for them..you know, to get a virgin to lose her virginity is big, it will make them proud of them selves or something. And some of my friends tell me that they always go for girls that lost their virginity already because that would make them more experienced and stuff.And it will make the sex better.. And that it wont be as gross as having sex with a virgin..I dont know im soo confused! I dont want the guy to think that im a slut! but should i tell him that ive already done it so he likes me more? please don tell me to tell him the truth! tell me the truth, what do most guys like? Thank you! (K) (link)
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I'll tell you what you don't want to hear - that you should tell the truth. There is never a cut and dry answer to what guys as a whole like; everyone's different.
Most guys would want a fun, smart, honest girlfriend. If a boy finds out you've lied to him, he'll lose respect for you faster than you can imagine.
If you've had sex before, then you've had sex before. It's part of who you are and you can't change that. You probably don't want to have sex again with a guy who can't respect your past choices. If you care about yourself, then it's only fair to expect that any guy you're with should care about you as well.
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i've was a cutter for like 3 months and i decided to quit before i got sent away i've only been clean for a week..i know thats not long...but then i found out my friend killed himslef by cutting and i dont know how to handle that and my other friend has a problem with cutting...and im just really confused..?!?!
is there anything i can do to help my friend...
and how to i let my emotions out without hurting myself....please help!!
-Ababii (link)
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First of all, you can't be responsible for other people's actions. Let your friend know your concern, and if she/he won't get help, then you can tell an adult you trust. Once you've told that adult, the burden is off of you.
It's not callous to be worried about yourself; quitting cutting is hard enough without feeling worried about everyone else who cuts. Focus on yourself.
And if you've been clean for seven days, you've proved to yourself that you have willpower. You can do this. Look to those times of anger/sadness as a test - the next time you really feel the urge to cut, take some control over yourself and refuse to do it. If you can look at this as a way to gain control and take responsibility for yourself, it'll be much easier.
If you find you can't stay clean, then you need to find help. Your parents need to know, and chances are a good counsellor could really help you. In the meantime, don't avoid your emotions. It's okay to feel pissed off, sad, or confused. That means you are human, you are real, and you have feelings.
Your feelings are a part of you, and if you allow yourself time to explore them, you might find you don't need to avoid them by cutting. Get a journal, paint pictures, jump in puddles with friends.
Best of luck.
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i desperately need help to stop cutting.. im too scared everyone will judge me if i tell them, ive been doing it since i was 11 (now 16). i wanted to tell my best friend but i have already told her i got the scars from random accidents.. she has made jokes in the past about how they really look like self mutilation scars and she said 'i really dont understand how anyone could be into that.. 'i hate my life" *gestured cutting wrist. i was going to tell my teacher when he had a discussion with me on how i deal with emotions but i just couldnt say it. Theres no way i would talk to my mum because she would over react.. and i dont want to go to counseling because i heard they tell your parents.. how can i stop this by myself? i already write a journal, draw pictures and horse ride (link)
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Well, any person I tell you to talk to will have to break confidentiality as this is an issue which involves you harming yourself. And you've tried to solve this problem by yourself.
You know, some things are just too big to do alone. And that's okay. I do think you need to tell someone, you do need help, and perhaps counselling could really help you. If you think your mother could overreact, do you have another family member you could talk to? Or a guidance counselor or teacher you trust?
If you tell someone else, then they may be willing to sit with you when you tell your mother. That sort of support can make all the difference.
I think a big part of healing will be you telling your mother. You're right in not wanting a counsellor to do it - it's time to take responsibility for your actions, which also means realizing that your problem is serious and deserves help. Your mom might surprise you. At the very least, even if she freaks out you'll still have her support.
You're more likely to stop cutting if people you respect and care about know that you cut and are trying to stop. That way you're not just accountable to yourself, but other people will be keeping tabs on you as well.
I'd tell another adult, get their help in telling your mom, and then find a good counsellor. Best of luck to you.
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i really want to become a vegetarian because i actually prefer helthy food to meat and burgers and i don't like to think that i'm eating something that once was a part of a living animal. although i would still eat seafood, dairy products and eggs, it would probably cause me to lose weight or not be able to gain weight, and i'm already skinny as it is. so my question's adressed to vegetarians and those who know a lot about nutrition: is it possible to gain weight while being a vegeterian? does it always cause people to lose weight? (link)
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If you're eating healthfully as a vegetarian, you should not have a problem with losing weight or being unable to gain weight. Before giving up meat, though, you'll want to do research.
You can find a lot of stuff on the net, including a site just made for teenage veggie eaters (do a search! can't remember the name!). You'll have to make sure you're getting enough protein, nutrients, etc. That means eating lots of legumes, beans, etc.
Your doctor should be able to give you information as well. While you should be able to maintain your weight, it doesn't mean that you'll be able to maintain your vitamin levels without a little guidance.
Finally, welcome to the world of vegetarianism. There's loads of variety, tasty foods, etc...so enjoy.
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Me and my boyfriend have been dating like almost 15 months and we are getting to the more intense sexual side our relationship, but i have something i had never told him. I was raped at a young age and I dont know if he will be able to tell. I always told him i was a virgin. Do you think I that would be concidered lying even though it wasnt consensual? And do you think I should tell him I really need some help. (link)
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First of all, your boyfriend won't be able to tell that you are not a virgin. Chances are the sex will be uncomfortable for you if you've not had any penetration since you were younger.
However, I'll point out that just because you can keep your secret physically, you might not be able to emotionally. You're obviously thinking about it, and it's totally up to you whether you tell or not. I think it's justified to have not told him up to this point if you were uncomfortable - a good boyfriend would not brand you a liar for that.
But should you tell? It's up to you. It depends on your comfort level, if you have other people who know and support you, how much you trust your boyfriend, etc. Remember, even if you choose to not tell him now doesn't mean you can't tell him later.
Think carefully before having sex, though. It could bring back some bad memories, so make sure you've got lots of people around who love and support you.
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Dear alisonmarie,
I can't get a former boyfriend off my mind. It’s a very weird situation considering the fact that we were only children when we met. He was my "boyfriend" for three years. I say it that way because our relationship was very innocent, we were so young 9-12, but there was something about our interactions with each other that make me feel as though we are soul mates.
We connected on a level that I just can't explain. We haven't seen or spoken to each other in nearly six years but as of lately I can't stop dreaming about him. I dream about what it would be like if we were to find each other again, reestablish a relationship, and fall back in love with each other and get married. I dream that he still has feelings for me and thinks about me as much as I think about him. I currently live in a different city than him and it would be dumb for me to try and contact him. I feel as though I'm pathetic for not having moved on with my life. I'm sure he has moved on with his and probably doesn't remember me less on still have feelings for me.
The circumstances surrounding our relationship are so difficult to explain but there are some small indications when I last saw him that he still had some interest in me. What should I do to move on with my life? I'm almost 20 years old and have yet to have any sort of relationship with the opposite sex and not counting the varying innocent kisses on the check I shared with this one "boyfriend" as an adolescent, I've never even been kissed! What should I do? Should I seriously explore trying to get back in touch with him or just move on with my life? How can I get on with my life when I can't stop thinking and daydreaming about him?
I really need to find a solution though. I dread going to sleep at night because I know I will dream of him and wake up the next morning feeling bad about me and my life and how alone I am. Please help!
--Nightmares of Dreams
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First of all, I'd say it's normal to think and feel this way about your first love. It doesn't matter if love hits at 12 or at 25, when it hits it hits hard. I'd then want to ask how long you've been thinking about him.
If you've only recently started thinking about him again, it could be due to your loneliness. A relationship can seem more appealing when you haven't been with someone for a long time, if ever. I will say that a relationship at ages 9-12 isn't tainted by a lot of things more mature relationships might need to deal with - sex, fidelity, building a partership, communication about big problems, etc. But because of that, it's not as deep of a relationship as you can have as an adult. Because it seems perfect in memory, it can be hard to move onto something you view as imperfect.
I think you've actually got two problems - missing this ex boyfriend, and wondering why you're alone.
As far as your ex goes, what would make you feel better? Contacting him is one definite way to sort yourself out - he'll either start talking with you and want to be friends, be interested in dating again, or reject your advances. Whichever way it works out, you have an answer. There's an element of risk involved, of course, and it's up to you whether or not it is worth it.
If you decide to not contact him, then it's worth trying to move on. Plenty of people have not been kissed by your age - though you may feel utterly alone, you are not. I don't know how to help you move on, but I can say there are lots of ways to meet other people. Sports teams, the drama club, karate lessons, social events....they're full of people waiting to get to know you. Perhaps you'll find a flesh-and-blood man who will help make the memory of your childhood love evaporate.
Either way, you might need to exorcise him. If you choose not to contact him, that doesn't mean you can't think about him. But you'll have to make a conscious choice that not contacting him means you realize you will not be together. Write in a journal, talk to a friend, paint a picture...do whatever makes you feel better.
It sounds as if your feelings are still very deep, so think carefully before making a decision. I wish you the very best in life and love.
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