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childhood love
Dear alisonmarie,
I can't get a former boyfriend off my mind. It’s a very weird situation considering the fact that we were only children when we met. He was my "boyfriend" for three years. I say it that way because our relationship was very innocent, we were so young 9-12, but there was something about our interactions with each other that make me feel as though we are soul mates.
We connected on a level that I just can't explain. We haven't seen or spoken to each other in nearly six years but as of lately I can't stop dreaming about him. I dream about what it would be like if we were to find each other again, reestablish a relationship, and fall back in love with each other and get married. I dream that he still has feelings for me and thinks about me as much as I think about him. I currently live in a different city than him and it would be dumb for me to try and contact him. I feel as though I'm pathetic for not having moved on with my life. I'm sure he has moved on with his and probably doesn't remember me less on still have feelings for me.
The circumstances surrounding our relationship are so difficult to explain but there are some small indications when I last saw him that he still had some interest in me. What should I do to move on with my life? I'm almost 20 years old and have yet to have any sort of relationship with the opposite sex and not counting the varying innocent kisses on the check I shared with this one "boyfriend" as an adolescent, I've never even been kissed! What should I do? Should I seriously explore trying to get back in touch with him or just move on with my life? How can I get on with my life when I can't stop thinking and daydreaming about him?
I really need to find a solution though. I dread going to sleep at night because I know I will dream of him and wake up the next morning feeling bad about me and my life and how alone I am. Please help!
--Nightmares of Dreams
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First of all, I'd say it's normal to think and feel this way about your first love. It doesn't matter if love hits at 12 or at 25, when it hits it hits hard. I'd then want to ask how long you've been thinking about him.
If you've only recently started thinking about him again, it could be due to your loneliness. A relationship can seem more appealing when you haven't been with someone for a long time, if ever. I will say that a relationship at ages 9-12 isn't tainted by a lot of things more mature relationships might need to deal with - sex, fidelity, building a partership, communication about big problems, etc. But because of that, it's not as deep of a relationship as you can have as an adult. Because it seems perfect in memory, it can be hard to move onto something you view as imperfect.
I think you've actually got two problems - missing this ex boyfriend, and wondering why you're alone.
As far as your ex goes, what would make you feel better? Contacting him is one definite way to sort yourself out - he'll either start talking with you and want to be friends, be interested in dating again, or reject your advances. Whichever way it works out, you have an answer. There's an element of risk involved, of course, and it's up to you whether or not it is worth it.
If you decide to not contact him, then it's worth trying to move on. Plenty of people have not been kissed by your age - though you may feel utterly alone, you are not. I don't know how to help you move on, but I can say there are lots of ways to meet other people. Sports teams, the drama club, karate lessons, social events....they're full of people waiting to get to know you. Perhaps you'll find a flesh-and-blood man who will help make the memory of your childhood love evaporate.
Either way, you might need to exorcise him. If you choose not to contact him, that doesn't mean you can't think about him. But you'll have to make a conscious choice that not contacting him means you realize you will not be together. Write in a journal, talk to a friend, paint a picture...do whatever makes you feel better.
It sounds as if your feelings are still very deep, so think carefully before making a decision. I wish you the very best in life and love.
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