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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I'm trying to wrap my head around this. I've read why men have affairs, and this man does not fall into any category. He's in his 50's, I'm in my 40's, so it's not like I'm some young, hot, woman. In fact, I am not attractive at all (even worse with out clothes on). He loves his wife, he's told me many times, he would never leave her. I'm not exciting, I am not confident and have very low self-esteem, so, it's not like I bring anything to the table. He and his wife still have an active sex life, she doesn't make him mad, they have two wonderful sons and are the perfect couple. He says he has never cheated on his wife and feels guilty doing it (which I know I'm going to hear in the comments, he's lying, but for sake of argument, assume he is telling the truth). Yet, we've met a few times for sex, talked and spent the day together, so you can't say it was just for the sex. He and his wife still go out, he talks fondly of her, they don't have any financial problems. It's not like he wants to leave her. I would think, if a man is going to have an affair, he would reach for the sky, not for some loser.
The Answer
You are insecure, naive and available.
Being insecure means you are low risk. You likely make few demands, and do not have high expectations for how you are treated.
Being naive means you don't ask him this very important question, and accept silly statements like "I've never cheated before" at face value. For the sake of honesty, even if he has never actually fucked anyone else but you, you are not the first 'other woman', once there is one other woman, there is an other, other woman (or women). It may suit you and he to pretend they don't exist because he never got his penis instead them, but they exist.
Both these things together mean you are easily available. You don't ask questions or make demands. There is no compromising, I suspect he mostly does what he wants when he wants when it comes to his relationship with you.
Seriously. Go to counselling. Besides the fact it's utterly irresponsible and disrespectful of you to help someone betray their partner in this way, it's just deeply sad that you that have such a low opinion of yourself that instead of asking why you have accepted being nothing but a 'some loser' in your own life, you are wondering what is going through the thick skull of some guy who only wants to have sex with you behind his wife's back.
Fuck him and why he's doing this. That really shouldn't be the least bit relevant to your life! What you need to do is wrap your head around your own motivations and feelings. You are literally wasting your time worrying about this other person's thoughts and feelings, when your own are probably is complete disarray, and they have told you pretty clearly that will never be in an honest or respectful relationship with you.
Go talk with a pro and work on your relationship with yourself if you feel so unworthy and cheap that you'll accept attentions from a man who loves his wife so damn much (but just not quite enough to show her the basic respect of not lying to her).
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The Question
I applied to graduate programs- and all require applicants to report all colleges they've attended, even if only one class was taken.
The issue is that at one community college, due to a mistake on my part, I was given an F in a class I never attended, because I did not realize I never dropped it. I never received credit, it was an extra class I never needed in the first place.
I have reported all colleges and universities I've attended and received credit at or have had transfer courses from. I did not report the college I had that "F" at because I never received transfer credit from that school and it would be a waste of time to explain away an F for a class I never attended.
Do universities and/or application service sites see this and thus not process the application? I would hate to be automatically rejected for such a pointless thing.
The Answer
There is no way for anyone here to be sure.
I doubt that the application service site can easily access this information, and even if they could, it seems even more unlikely they would automatically reject an applicant based on something that may just be an error.
In your shoes, I'd call the school where the F was recorded, explain the situation and ask if there was a way to get the record expunged. Most colleges will have a process through which you can petition to have a grade expunged from your record.
Right now, you are technically lying through omission. It probably will never come back to bite you, but it's probably worth it to try and get the record expunged.
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The Question
"Mental Health" probably isnt the right category. My subject pretty much sums it up. Sometimes, right when Im on the edge between sleep and consciousness, right smack between two different places, I swear I can hear someone say my name just faintly, but because of the weird state Im in, it really catches my attention. I dont know where it comes from. Its like it comes from the sleep and sounds in the sleep and in the wake, like it echos or something, its hard to explain, but you probably know what Im getting at. Im just really curious about it. I want to know what it is, why, and why I hear it and only when Im in that state. Also, because it's so faint and brief, I can't distinguish characteristics such as sex or whether I know the voice or not. If you have any ideas or actually know something or have had a similar experience, pleas leave a response, and thanks very much in advance! :)
The Answer
Auditory hypnagogic hallucination.
Totally normal and very common experience. It's fundamentally just an error message between being awake and being asleep. When these sorts of states have been studied, it's been shown that although the people report that they are awake, their brain waves indicate they are still technically sleeping.
It's a waking dream. Like most dreams, it's a bit random and some people will read a lot of meaning into it. Like dreams, they can be a bit scary, but they're normal and harmless.
Hearing whispers of your name, is one of the most common reported hallucinations. People also often report hearing voices whispering or yelling they can't understand, or seeing shadowy figures standing nearby.
A lot of people will interpret these experiences through their own cultural understanding - they will call them ghosts, or spirits or alien abduction, or whatever else they are inclined to believe in. But it's a really well understood neurological phenomenon that affects a lot of people at some point in their lives - it's more common in younger people, and much more common in people who have narcolepsy or other sleep disorders as well.
It's nothing to worry about. Just something cool your brain and body do when they aren't quite on the same page.
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The Question
My best guy friend and I met when I was thirteen. He was fifteen. Im 21 and hes now 23. We have liked each other for years but never had the guts to say it. So this passed weekend we hung out and we were both drunk. He ends up confessing everything. We end up sleeping together. He tells me he wants us to be more than friends and that hes tired of chasing me. That after that night the ball is in my court. I haven't heard from him ever since. I feel used. But anyway. The reason why I neved allowed anything to happen between us is because I knew him too well. So now I feel stupid for being vulnerable like one of his other playmates.
The Answer
So he said the ball is in your court - and you never contacted him?
I'm a bit confused here. It sounds like this guy told you, pretty clearly, that he wasn't going to reach out to you. That he was going to give you space to think about what happened and get back to him, and you never got back to him.
He told you he was tired of chasing you.
He told you the ball was in your court.
You aren't doing yourself, or him, any favors by assuming he was just playing with you. That's a really mean thing to think of a guy who has been your friend for so long and who, as far as his actions go, appears to be totally honest with you: He told you what he wanted. He told you what he was going to do. He did what he said he was going to.
That isn't the behaviour of a guy who is using you. A guy who tells you what he feels, what he wants, and what he is going to do, and then does it - that is the behaviour of an intelligent and respectful guy.
TALK TO HIM. If you never want anything like what happened to happen again. If you only want to be friends, tell him. If you don't want to be friends anymore, tell him. At this point, he is probably feeling like you are ignoring him - and you are.
Stop assuming he's an evil user and player. Nothing you've said suggests he deserves such a harsh judgement from you. In fact, he sounds like he was pretty direct and clear about what he wanted and what he was going to do. If you want to be nice to him, try to be just as clear about what you want, and what you are going to do moving forward.
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The Question
Hi. I am married for more than 15 years. I love my wife. We are having a fantastic life. The one thing missing is physical relationship.For the last couple of years there is none. It is my lack of interest on her physically created this problem. I feel like getting physical with someone else. I know the hurt it will cause her if she comes to know. I don't want to walk away from her for this silly reason. At the same time it hurts me living this way. Any suggestion? Meeting a marriage counselor is ut of question. I don't even want her to know that I feel this way.
The Answer
You wont talk to her.
You wont see a marriage counselor.
You wont end the marriage.
So no. There aren't really any suggestions. You've ruled out everything except cheating.
So what it sounds like you want, is permission from someone here to deceive her, betray her and cheat on her.
I doubt anyone here is going to give that you that permission. That really sucks. That's a shitty thing to do.
There are honest, respectful ways for a couple (or only one member of the couple) to have sexual encounters outside of the relationship, but ALL of those honest and respectful ways, begin with you speaking to her about the problem in your marriage.
It's just fine to desire sex with others, but if you are going to continue on being married, she has a reasonable expectation that that is the sort of decision she is a part of. If you can't involve your partner in those discussions about what you both want from you life together, then you shouldn't be married to anyone.
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The Question
I am a 42 yr old male from Asia. Recently i met a woman of my dreams and we've been together for 2 months already. The problem came when she started telling me about her previous sex life before me and she confessed that she loves sex and has slept with over a hundred men (she is 30 by the way) since age 18 (including men she pick at at clubs/bars, strangers, friends, gigolos). While I am no spring chicken myself having bedded more than 150 women in my life, what bothers me was all this happen for me during my younger days and after awake up call, i stopped all my "activities" at 27 while she openly admitted that she cheated on her ex just 2 months before we got together because she wanted to break off with him but yet still had sex with her ex on the day of break up. Also, she keeps telling me that she enjoys having threesomes with two men all the time. Not to mention, she told me that if we were ever to split up, the first thing she will do is pack her bags for a holiday and go find herself a couple of gigolos. Yet, at the same time, i can't say she is not devoted to me as she really takes care of me well (physically and mentally). Things got to a high when i spoke to her a couple of days back when I told her i was pretty "shameful" about my past as I realize what i did in the past was nothing to be proud of. She in turn accused me of trying to make her feel guilty and shameful and she retorted that she is not the least bit "shameful" about it and if the chance arises she will do it again (after we break off that is). furthermore, she added that she ever slept with 6 different men in six days consecutively. Every time we broach on this subject, she will always have new things added like how she told me that even during the time i was courting her, she had 3 different sex partners waiting at her beck and call. She also said that i was only acting to make her feel shameful when I told her i wasn't and that I was really uncomfortable with my past. She keep displaying the "sex is just sex, love is love" kind of attitude which really sometimes make me feel really uncomfortable. Also, the thought has crossed my mind that some of the men she had sex with might be friends or acquaintances of mine. Now, as a guy in conservative Asia, who likes to hear his own friends say that I had bonked your girlfriend before" or "your girlfriend is a slut or whore where anybody can bonk her"? She even sometimes tell me in details about how she had sex with the different men in her life. I know I am in no position to question her as I myself was such before and it really didn't really bother me anyway, but to me now, I can't decide if she really is promiscuous and is our relationship really only based on sex as the primary issue? I need advice or opinions on really how to handle the issue.
The Answer
Sounds like you two aren't actually a good match. You fundamentally disagree about what is proper and appropriate sexual behaviour.
The past behaviour you are ashamed of, she is a current advocate for. The sexual adventures you had when you were younger, and you feel you've grown out of, are not in her past. She enjoys them now, and doesn't agree with your position that they have anything to do with maturity or are anything to be ashamed of.
It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, what matters is that those different opinions have a huge impact on how you see the world, how you'll treat one another and what kind of relationships you'll be happy in.
It sounds like she is insecure and likes to prove her worth through sex.
It also sounds like she is not entirely reliable, and has a history of cheating and deception.
It sounds like you are not comfortable with the way she defines love and sex and frames them in her life.
It also sounds like you have, however unintentionally, tried to shame her or make her feel guilty, because you wish she agreed with your position that these past sexual adventures where something to be ashamed of.
Neither of these things make either of your horrible people, but it does make you a very bad match.
The way you handle an issue like this, is you either decide you can accept that your partner feels very differently than you do on an important subject, or you break off the relationship over this important disagreement. You don't try to change their mind, or force them to share (or pretend to share) your opinion on the subject.
Stop trying to decide who is right and who is wrong. That is not respectful of her, and it's not the right way to go about making your decision either. Instead, believe and respect what she tells you about herself, and decide if she is a good match for you or not. As far as I'm concerned, it sounds like not.
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The Question
Let me start by saying that I have never liked any part of my name. My first name sounds strange/foreign to me and I have never truly identified with it. None of its nicknames are appealing to me either (many are much worse). A lot of people in this situation turn to their middle name as an option. I have two middle names, neither were possibilities for a new moniker. The first middle name is more of a sound and not a real name, and the second poses an annoying issue because it is my first cousin's (who is 2 months older than me and I grew up closely with) first name. My surname fairs no better. I actually pronounce it incorrectly on purpose when introducing myself to people, because the pronunciation my family uses sounds awful with any first name (and, ironically, is ALSO incorrect if you consider the proper Croatian spelling). Even still, I have never identified with this name. I have felt this way since as long as I can remember (even in early elementary when practicing penmanship I remember always grimacing at the letterforms of my full name--I felt (and sometimes still feel) it looked "gross").
Over the years (I am 23) I have sort of become numb to this annoyance with a first name that I feel doesn't suit me. It doesn't really bother me anymore that people call me by it, and anyway I would never change my first name at this point since I feel like it would give a rebirth hippie vibe to say I chose my own name.
However, I have been considering the thought of changing my surname for professional (and potentially personal) use. Instead of outright choosing a name at random, I thought it would be nice to honor my great-grandmother and use her maiden name. This is my father's father's mother, so she married into my current surname, and still uses it (my great-grandfather passed in 1994). Her maiden name (Nara) sounds much nicer and more professional (I think) with my first name, and it feels more writerly to me which matters on some insignificant level.
I am about to graduate from my four year university in May, and will be pursuing my master's degree in the fall, followed directly by my post-professional and (a bit later) my Ph.D. I plan in this time to hopefully discover research worth publishing, pursue a university teaching career, and get my professional license (in architecture, if it matters). I also am an avid fiction writer and fine-artist, and I hope at some point to publish some of that work as well. I guess my point is--I have my entire career ahead of me, and I feel like it will be just starting out when I go off to graduate school for the first time this fall.
If I'm going to do this, to me it makes the most sense to do so before I get the ball rolling on my career. Am I correct here or does that feel rushed? Is it too strange a notion to change my surname at all? I mean--people do it all the time when they marry/re-marry, but is this an acceptable reason to pursue it? (As a side note, I would keep the professional name if I ever did marry, so no worries of changing it only to have it change again.)
How do I go about this change? Should I change it legally, or just socially? I feel like if it were just a social change that would be very confusing, but I won't have the money to change it legally before grad school starts in the fall. Also, I am likely attending school in CA, so wouldn't that cause issues trying to change a name right after an interstate move?
Also, not that I care much what people think of the name itself because of the personal meaning, but out of curiosity--how do you feel about Nara as a surname? Does anyone know where it originates from? My great-grandmother isn't sure either, but her family was from Finland. The only information I found related to Indian and Japanese origins but neither of those apply to our heritage.
The Answer
I 'changed' my name after about 3 years of working professionally. I love my first name, but it's diminutive and casual, and I choose a more formal variant on it when I applied for my first job.
Eventually, I changed my mind and used my real name, the name I love, even though many of my friends (especially female friends) advised against it. I do sort of wish I'd just used my real name from the get-go, but it wasn't the least bit difficult to change it professionally once I had made the decision.
Frankly, you can begin to use your 'new' name whenever you like. Your university may be a bit confused if your legal name is different than the name you hand things in under, or publish under, but if my experience is any guide, it wont cause any serious issues. I never changed my name legally, I just used two different forms of my first name, one professionally and one socially. Sometimes come tax season I had to confirm with my employer which name to put on my paperwork, but it was never a headache.
Most states let people change their names by 'usage alone' - so there is nothing criminal about just beginning to use another name - but a lot of institutions (universities, banks) will refuse to accept a name unless it's on some sort of federal ID or if you get a court order.
In most causes, changing your name legally wont take a hearing. Filling out the paperwork, which will include giving reason, and paying the needed fee is usually sufficient to get the court order. A hearing usually only happens if the judge has further questions or concerns. If you are changing both your first name and last name, a hearing is more likely. A judge will need to sign off on the court order changing your name, and then you'll need to present (or mail) that court order to the Social Security Administration. Once your social security name is changed, you'll be able to use that to change pretty much everything else.
It's best to really do your research before you do this. In some states, DMV require you notify them of a name change within days of getting the court order.
I don't know how the interstate move would affect anything.
Honestly, if I were you, I would just start using the name I wanted socially and in my art and writing. That will also bolster your case when and if you do get it in front of a judge, since you will be able to show that this your name, the way people know you, by common usage.
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The Question
One of my friends is competitive with me and it drives me nuts. Don't get me wrong, she and I have similar interests and senses of humor, and we often have deep, meaningful conversations. But her personality is stifling. dShe ALWAYS has to best me academically, even though we are on the same intellectual level. She constantly brags about her advanced english courses (she and I are both English majors, and very intelligent). She ALWAYS has to be right in every situation, and so she is constantly arguing with me about the dumbest things. I tend to have a very chill personality and like to see the humor in everything, but it's difficult because she turns situations back and me, making me out to be the argumentative one.
Everything I do she will try and "one up" me. This has gotten quite bad and petty. Mutual friends have told me that she talks bad about me but she acts totally different to my face. We are housemates so I have to see her everyday. She always makes snarky comments on my clothes and hair and appearance things, and then she will completely copy them! She dyes her hair to look like mine and buys the same clothes as me right after I get them. When we go out she'll try to wear similar clothing as me & sometimes when we go out and someone shows interest in me, the moment I turn around she starts throwing herself at him.. now I'm not the jealous type, but I told her that this needs to stop doing that but she said "its not like the two of you are dating, you barely know each other plus we're in a club so all is fair."
She always disses my outfit, hair, makeup, even saying that my parents come from a third world country, the aren't from the US. Like she tries to make fun of where my parents are from and making snide remarks. Whenever my friends ask me about my accomplishments and such, she gets this jealous expression on her face and tries to argue about what I've done and how "amateur" it is.
At the gym she'll ALWAYS do the exact workouts as me, and keeps looking at my monitor to see how fast I'm going or how many calories I've burned. If I burn more she ask if my machine is broken, but if she burns more she will rub it in my face. What ever adjustment I make she will copy. I did ignore her for a while
Why is she being like this?
The Answer
Trying to figure out, and label, what is going on in her head, isn't respectful or friendly. All you need to figure out, is if her behaviour towards you means you want to go on being friends or not.
You can't know why she does this, or what her feelings or thoughts are. What you have to look at is what is actually happening, and if that makes this a friendship you want to keep or not.
Maybe she is mean to you and jealous, that's a perfectly sensible interpretation of her actions as you've described them, but frankly, you don't sound like you have a very high opinion of her either! If you don't like her, don't be her friend.
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The Question
I am a 25 year old female and for somr reason people seem to think me abd my cousin are dating some people even think wr are married and I dont know why. Its not like we flirt or anything or act like we are . We just hang out all the time because even though we are cousins him and I are likr best friends we are super close. I will give you sn example . The other day we went todairy queen to go eat and we told the lafy who was taking our order we were paying seperate and the lady gave us a funny look and kept asking my cousin if he sure he wasn't paying for mine and he said yes and then gave him a dirty look. Why do people think we are in a relationship together?
The Answer
You are two, twenty-somethings, one guy and one girl?
Hell, people think the same thing about me and my brother. It's not evil, it's just an assumption that happens to be wrong. Truth is, in most cases that service people encounter, two people who looks like you two, would probably be a couple.
Laugh it off. It's meaningless.
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The Question
I'll try to keep this short. I've been in a relationship for almost 4 years. I'm 22, he's 36. Sometimes I wonder if I should break things off so I can meet other people and gain new experiences. I love him SOOOOO much. A lot of me wants to keep things, but obviously if I'm writing this there is a problem. Normally I'm very happy, but sometimes I get very scared at commitment. Sometimes I don't feel like it's fair for either of us to continue, but it'd also be very unfair for me to break things off, miss him and things terribly, and try to get back together.
I know that in the end, it's all up to me and has to be MY decision, but I guess I just want to know what you guys think.
Any ideas would be much appreciated, thanks!
The Answer
Look, the only bit of information you've actually given us here, is your ages and how long you've been together.
Based only on that, well yeah, a 22 year old who has been in an exclusive relationship since they were 18, is very, very likely to have different desires from their relationship, than a 36 year old.
A 22 year old is likely to feel like they are 'almost alive' and just getting to the good stuff. A 36 year old is more likely to feel they are 'almost 40'.
You should both put your expectations and hopes for your relationship on the table. Do you want marriage, kids, travel, house ownership? Tomorrow, in five years, or in ten? Those are the sorts of questions that will really help you know if this is something worth holding on to or not.
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The Question
Maybe I'm being overly sensitive because I already tend to feel invisible. Also, this may be something that happens to everyone. However I feel like people just don't listen to me.
I feel like when I speak, people ignore big parts of what I'm trying to say. People on this site are not guilty of this, but when I ask other people for advice, they're horrible at it because they don't listen to my whole question. When I tell a story and they repeat it, they get it all wrong.
Tonight someone got mad at me because I told them of certain things that people were doing that were offending me. I made sure to tell them that they were not one of these people, but they missed that part somehow and jumped down my throat. People do things like this somewhat often.
When I give someone a valuable piece of information, something that they need to know, if they don't know it, it's my fault. I get blamed for people not listening to me and maybe it is my fault. But how? What do I do about it? I used to think that it was indeed my fault. It didn't seem reasonable that everyone else was the problem, so maybe I wasn't making myself clear. I started making myself as clear as possible and I know that people could understand me, but they still don't. Is this a common problem? Do people think I'm not worth listening to?
The Answer
It is reasonable to think that you are lacking some skills in making yourself understood. There are a few things that could be tripping you up, and I think it's worthwhile considering what you can change. Being 'clear' is only a small part of effective communication. There is also tone and body language, and they order of information presented. If you are stumbling on either of those two things, people will struggle to understand you.
But it is also really common problem, and probably doesn't reflect anyone's idea that you 'aren't worth listening too' but has more to do with their preconceived notions of what you are going to say and what they want to hear.
Honestly, it's a problem that I run into constantly on this site. People fixate on one portion of what I said, and take offence, while ignoring the whole of what my meaning was. Or people assume I'm saying X, because X is what they expected to hear, no matter how clearly I said I don't mean X. There are many people in the world, who assume the worst of others whenever they are confused. Those people suck, but they are out there and we all have to talk to them sometimes.
I also have a very dear person in my life who drives me bat-shit crazy sometimes, because they flip out when information (like directions to store) isn't presented in exactly the order they want it in. I think it's obnoxious and absurd that they can't just take the information they have been given, and rephrase it in their own mind in the way that works best for them. Or write it down, if they need it written, but for the sake of the friendship I've had to accept that this is just not a skill they have or are willing to develop.
I work professionally with artists, and most artists I find are very good at listening, communication and clarifying, both the emotional content of what is being said in the facts. This is probably because their jobs depend on them being understood, and understanding what other people are getting from what they communicate, but in other aspects of my life, I am constantly running into trouble with people who are clearly just waiting their turn to speak, or are don't seem interested in investing the bit of work, that I am doing to understand them, in understanding me.
So I think the answer is two-fold: Yes, everyone else is the problem, but Yes, there are probably things you can do to help yourself be heard. The first thing you can do, is listen more, but not just for what they are saying, but also for how they are saying it. Usually, gently mimicking someone's order of information, or the choices they make about volume or humour, is a good way to get through to them. Paying attention to where they have misinterpreted or gotten confused, can also help you know what soft spots to avoid. With important information, asking follow up questions, or sending it to them in a text or email can help people accept that you've given them the information, and it's now on them to know it.
It's not worth getting overly anxious about, but it is worth working on the skill. If you can develop those sorts of skills, you'll eventually be able to run circles around those sorts of people, and you'll attract the friendship of people more like you.
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The Question
I recently began the low carb atkins diet, and i feel very very dysfunctional. I feel as if i cannot attend class due to lack of energy, nausea, and constant heart palpitations. it takes an effort to stand up or move my ligaments. when will i get over this? will i ever get over this? are heart palpitations normal for an 18 year old girl? the problem is, my diet was solely based on all carbs and sugars so i feel as if this is all a reaction to readjusting to a healthy lifestyle. i am not doing atkins for losing weight specifically, but to set up a healthy style for myself in the future. (weight gain is very common in my family). my family raised me to eat carbs for every single meal and i became just as addicted as someone is to nicotine. it's like i can't live without it.
how long will this atkins diet "flu" last? (I'm really scared, guys). do people go into cardiac arrest from this diet? i'm asking this because i am concerned with these heart palpitations.. but i'm trying to stick with this diet no matter what. someone please help me asap.
The Answer
Stop this now, and talk to your doctor.
Please. Stop it.
The Aktins diet is not only not based on solid science and not effective the reasons it claims to be, but there is potential for it causing a higher risk of heart disease and other cardiovascular problems.
There are basically no sane doctors who still recommend this diet. There are more effective, and safer programs out there.
Heart palpitations for an 18 year old girl are not normal, and anything that causes them should be immediately investigated by a health care professional - and you should stop this 'diet'.
I totally respect your desire to live a healthier life, but the Atkins diet isn't a 'healthier lifestyle'. It's a crash diet, designed to shed as many pounds as quickly as possible. Most people can't can't keep the weight off afterwards because Atkins isn't a designed as a healthy, long-term lifestyle choice. Worse than that, there are studies that show that eating the Atkins way can actually do damage to your body in many ways.
Don't get taken in by the all marketing around dieting, and go see a doctor. Get actual nutritional advice that suits any special needs of your body or your life. In the end, a balanced diet, accompanied by regular exercise, is the best way to get a healthy, steady weight. Diets that relay on such extreme limitations as the Atkins diet are almost always crash diets.
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The Question
I was wondering how come every time I paint my nails myself they chip very easily? If I go have a manicure done and have them paint them they do not chip so fast? Is there something I should do? i'm 19 years old.
The Answer
A few tips from a manicures-at-home-fanatic.
Use a base coat, and a top coat.
Use a base coat to keep your nails strong, to help the nail polish come off without leaving your nails dyed or yellowing, and to help (a bit) with breaking and chipping.
Use a top coat to make the polish last longer. (A good quick-dry top coat is a god send!)
If you need more than one coat of nail polish, use many very thin coats, don't slab it on thick. Nail polish is actually formulated to go on many thin coats and will actually dry faster if you use it that way, and it will dry better and more evenly, and that will help reduce scuffs and and chips as well.
Finally, make sure you “wrap the tips" of your nails with the clear coast, and edge the tips nicely with the colour. That means, with your clear coast, paint the underside of your nail where it extends past your fingers. If you only do one thing I've suggested here, do this, it will really make a difference with chipping right on the tip of your nails.
Good Luck!
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The Question
there is a girl I worked with in a class in college.
I am not trying to get with her, I think she has a boyfriend.
I am going to be in the same place she is in on February 14 in the campus, I want to go and say hi to her and chat but I am scared because since it is Valentine's Day she might think I am trying to flirt with her or something. Should I decide to just avoid her then? It's honestly a complete coincidence it is Valentine's Day and I am kind of mad it ended up this way
The Answer
If you really have no romantic interest in her, then go ahead and drop by. You aren't children anymore, not every encounter between a girl and boy needs to be seen as a possible 'cootie' incident.
But you need to be completely honest with yourself, even if you aren't able to be honest with us here: Do you have romantic interest in her?
If you do, it's quite likely that someone, maybe her, will smell it on you, and that will make your dropping by on Valentines Day uncomfortable, and a bit inappropriate. If she is truly just a friend you want to have a quick chat with, go ahead, but if there are other romantic hopes inside your head, this is not the right way to address them.
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The Question
This girl who really hated me in elementary now wants to organize a class reunion,since we had graduated 5 years ago. Most of the class has been awful to me except for my best friend but he said to ditch them. So I did,I left the Facebook conversation she started on the topic,but why would they invite a person they loathed? Trust me,they are not the type of people to have a change of heart. They did everything they could to make my life miserable and now they want to see me? It made me sick. Why are they showing interest in me all of a sudden? They made it clear in those 8 years that they hate me.
The Answer
It's nice to think they have grown, and experience regret for how they've treated you - and hey, maybe some of them do. Maybe someday one of them will even reach out and tell you as much, but if that happens, it'll happen with or without a reunion.
More likely right now, is that you just didn't make the impression on them that they made on you. Thier dislike of you, or thier poor treatment of you, just didn't make the same impression on thier memories as it did yours.
Honestly, if you have no interest in seeing any of these people, then the healthiest thing you can do is not waste any of your time worrying about it. You can be pretty confident they aren't.
Don't dwell and ask questions that can't be answered. You don't know what's going on in their heads, but you can be pretty certain they aren't thinking about the issue as much as you are. If you want to move on, just do that.
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The Question
Hey guy's got a serious question here. I have been with my girlfriend for about 2 and a half years we are expecting a baby girl in march. I am not ready for this type of commitment and would like to not piss away my twenties. Should I stick it out with her or break it off? it gets hard turning down girls and not being able to do the things I want. I will be there for the baby if we do break up though. What do you guys think?
The Answer
You are having a baby numbskull. Don't be a dick.
You don't have to be in a relationship with the mother of your child if you don't want to be. You shouldn't force yourself to commit to a relationship you are unsure of, however, you now have a relationship with that child. Period. Forever. You can't opt out of that that, and how you treat women will matter to your daughter. Act like a dog, and she'll grow up expecting men to treat her like someone to fuck around with (or on).
So, don't be a dick.
If you don't want to be with your current spouse, do both of you a favour and don't be, but she's the mother of your child, and you owe her honesty, respect and friendship. So handle the break up like a fucking adult, and set an example for your daughter of the kind of men you'd like her to encounter in her life.
Don't be a dick.
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The Question
I was out to dinner with a friend from work and his 9-year-old son. I've known the man for 2 years and this was the first time I'd sat down with his son for a long period of time (by the way, I don't know what the situation is with the mother and believe it or not I haven't asked in 2 years). Anyways, the kid was a jolly little man. Precocious, very respectful, he knew how to engage with adults. After dinner, they both (his son insisted) invited me to the house for a late night drink/chit-chat. I had nothing to do the next day so I followed them over for the hell of it. After about 10 minutes, dad suggested that his son go to bed to which he replied the following: "can we do a bath first?" The WE in that sentence is what initially struck me as odd. The conversation continued something like this: Dad: "I don't think so tonight kiddo, we have company" Son: "Please? I can't ever sleep if you don't give me a bath." So now I knew the dad GAVE his 9-year-old son a bath every night. Being a self described reasonable person I thought "maybe he's a little old for that, but I guess it's not unheard of." So the dad says "I can't just leave our guest down here alone," to which the boy replied "she can come with." I was taken aback by this, and the dad looked at me and after a moment said "Would you mind?" Not really knowing what to say, I replied with "whatever makes him happy." The kid shot me a smile and the father told him to go upstairs and turn the water on and that we'd be up in one minute. He complied, and once he was out of earshot I was humorously asked "you don't mind seeing my kid naked, do you?" I replied "no," and that was an honest answer. He was an (overly?) innocent 9-year-old kid, what did I care? After all, we were all guys. However, I couldn't hold myself back. I asked "But can't he just do it himself? He's 9 after all." The dad replied "He can, but he always has preferred me to do it. I guess he just likes the company, and it's a nice time to bond and talk about the day." All seemed well to me, so I shrugged and ascended the steps. I'll add this: when I was growing up washing was a private thing at a very early age, so this was new to me. We got to the bathroom, the tub was running half full and this cherubic little being was waiting for us. I took an empty chair and watched. Father says "alright kiddo, arms up". The shirt came off, then the jeans, and finally his shorts. He picked his naked son up and put him in the tub, telling him to soak for a bit. I didn't let it show, but I was astonished. This kid had no modesty at all, I was a total stranger! It was half odd, half cute. The soap was then brought out and the washing began. He started with his hair, and eventually told him to stand up so he could wash his body. All while this was happening we were striking up normal conversation, asking him about school, his friends, teasing him about girls, whatever. His father was lathering soap on him head to toe, back and front. I noticed that he skipped the penis on the way down. Naturally, when he got to his feet I felt that was the end of it. Then, my main problematic incident occurred. He went back up and with his hands, washed his son's penis. It wasn't any different from the rest, it's just that I've always thought that was a no-touch area. But the kid didn't even blink! In fact, he was mid sentence when it happened and he didn't bat an eye! It lasted maybe 5 seconds, so it wasn't excessive. However, it really caught me by surprise. To conclude things, he picked up and dunked his son under the water (to the colossal amusement of the child I might add), took him out and dried him off. We brought him to his room and got his pajamas on. His dad kissed him good night, they said "I love you" to each other and we went downstairs, talked for about an hour longer before I went home. This overall was a strange, new experience for me. I don't think I've ever seen a father and son get along that well first of all, and of course the whole bath time at age 9 was strange to me while seemingly all in good fun. But the only part of it that really bothers me is the dad touching his son's penis. I mean, is he molesting his son when he does that even if the son doesn't care and it only lasts a couple seconds? Would any of you consider that to be sexual abuse?
The Answer
It's not molestation in any legal sense. It's not exploitation, and not abuse.
Frankly, if this father was exploiting his child, he would have had the sense to hide it from you. Very, very, very few people who abuse children display their abuse openly. They know what they are doing, and hide it.
Is it inappropriate? On a few levels, yes, but not solely because he touched the child's penis. That's normal enough when bathing a child. I don't think bathing the child is really the right way for a father to be engaging with a nine year old, certainly not with guests present as well. It's not sexual exploitation, and it's probably not even harmful, it's just not the best of choices that can be made to help a child feel secure and develop a healthy sense of self reliance and body awareness.
Basic bathing and washing are skills most children learn by five or six years. I don't think he's helping his son at this point. He's only preventing those skills from being developed. (Of course, for all I know, his son has a developmental delay or cognitive issue that makes bathing unsupervised unwise. Situations certainly do exist when a nine year old would need to be bathed.)
It is a matter of opinion (mine, and I think most other peoples) on parenting, but I'd agree with Witty that this sounds like it's coming from a place of overindulgence by the father, which means it's likely to stop as soon as the son puts a stop to it.
Frankly, I wouldn't speak to the father about this. You were obviously uncomfortable, and next time you'll know you don't want to be present at bath time, but your assumption that any touching of the child's penis by their parent is equal to molestation or abuse is taking your discomfort much too far, and your intense feelings will likely leave your friend feeling like you've attacked him. You've got no call to do that. Unless you can share your opinion respectfully (that it's probably high time for the child to bathe on his own) then don't share it at all.
Your friend has made a very poor parenting choice, but like many poor parenting choices, it's not a crime. If you see something else that concerns you, it might be worth contacting child services, but on the basis of this alone, I don't think there is any reason to believe abuse is happening.
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The Question
Hi everyone, id appreciate that if the person reading this would understand my points of views, my decisions and to try to understand how I think. Me and this guy really hit it off, we've been good friends for about 4 months and 2 of those months we started dating. We had intense chemistry, it was insane..we'd talk about how weird it is that we both feel so strongly about one another in such little time and how were shocked that we got close so easily. Now i know that some people believe that 2 months isnt a long time, and your right its not but this expirence taught me that no matter how little time you had with someone, sometimes 2 months can have more of an impact on both your lives than 2 years. What happened was that he was really affectinate and loving in the begining of our relationship, then he randomly stopped calling or being as sweet with me. I wont get into details because i dont feel its neccasary, he just randomly called me asking me to meet him cause he wanted to talk, so i said okay and went then he tells me he isnt happy, he feels like we arent sweet with eachther anymore Ofcourse i let him know that its his fault, and that im the one whos always trying to be cute and call and do and say sweet things but he never budges (which is completely true) so then i asked him this : I was like, "Do you love me, or do you just have some feelings for me, because i really do love you, a lot" then he was like "Look i have feelings for you for sure, but im not crazy about you, i think your more inlove with me than i am with you thats for sure" Honesty is the best policy, and i dont blame him for being honest, HOWEVER i am not the kind of girl that can be with someone that i love more or care for more, someone who believes he has the upper hand in the relationship ( and he has shown me that he thinks he does in many ways) so i ended it, i told him that i dont deserve that and that i should be loved in the same amount in return, why should i love someone any less? and why should he be with someone that he wants to feel more for? it makes no sense to me. Our break up wasnt terrible, we were both sad. But i made sure he knew that my dignity was above everything else and that no matter how much i love him, ill always love myself enough to walk away from anything that i feel isnt fair to me. He contacted me after a few days (4 to be exact) asking how i was, i said i was fine and he said he was great and the conversation just ended. You guys, i am so inlove with him i cant even explain, i dont know what to do or how to act anymore, i dont even know what hes thinking or have an idea about it, im really hurt and would love some guidance, please tell me what i should do? do you think him seeing how strong i am and independent will make him think twice ? Thank you all for reading this and please no harsh judgement :)
The Answer
The definition of being broken up, is not knowing what the other person is thinking, or feeling, or doing any more.
The truth is, you aren't feeling strong right now, and putting on a show to try and make him think or feel a certain way about you will inevitably make you feel weaker and more depressed.
There is just no rational reason to believe that anything you do know is going to make his feelings stronger for you than when you were together (and it's very unlikely to make him think of you the way you want him too anyways.)
The best thing you can do is recognize that, and accept that he didn't feel for you what you felt for him. You also need to accept that being broken up means not knowing what is going through his head now. Finally, you need to remind yourself that nothing you do is going to magically alter his feelings in any specific way.
I know it's hard to just stop worrying about what another person is thinking or feeling, but that is what is you need to do. Instead of obsessing over the things you can't know and can't control (his thoughts and feelings) pay special attention to the things you can: Your feelings and thoughts.
Distract yourself and take care of yourself. It's okay to be hurt, but focusing on someone other than yourself will only prolong that hurt needlessly. Avoid contact with him, because he can't offer you what you need right now. He is the problem, and he cannot be part of the solution. Time, some gentle work, and a lot of self respect and self care will make the hurt fade, but that is all things you need to do, and as much as the heartbreak may have begun the hurt, ending it has nothing at all to do with him.
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The Question
I was born very fair and even though i hail from Africa i could pass for an european. As a child i played in the sun a lot and i hated bathing. Now my face is extremely dark but i do not like it. Can anyone give me advice on how to regain my natural skin colour? I would really appreciate it.
The Answer
Sun exposure and not enjoying bathing, as a child, will have basically zero effect on your adult skin tone.
The truth is, most people's colouring changes as they age. Skin, hair and eye colour all shift. The skin colour you see in the mirror today is probably your own, just like the lighter skin was your own when you were a child. It just changed.
You can stay out of the sun, and wear sunscreen whenever you'll be out for long, but unless you are currently heavily tanned, your skin colour is your skin colour.
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The Question
I am currently in the ninth grade and learning seriously but my grades are not picking up. Wheb i was in the eighth grade i used to spend most of my time playing video games and watching movies but i got "As" in all subject areas aprt from Mathematics and French. When i got to the ninth grade i put awy the xbox and the pc and spent all my free time studying. I always understand what i learn but when the repirts come in, i get low grades. I do not know what i am doing wrong. Can someone please explain to me the best way to learn in order for me to do well in school again.
The Answer
The best thing to do is to speak to your teachers. Obviously, some teachers are better than others at giving advice, but I'm sure most of them can see you are trying, and may be willing to talk to you about where you are falling down. Maybe it's the tests where you loose out, or maybe you are missing something on your written assignments. Figuring out what your weaknesses are is the best first step.
You should also speak to your parents about getting a bit of extra help. I took a course after-school when I was about your age that was all about "How to Take a Test" and included a bunch of strategies and techniques for approaching different kinds of tests.
There are also tutors and classes that will teach you how to study. For some people, just reading the information is good enough, but most people benefit from different approaches. I know I have to write down what I know prior to the test - I can't just read or just listen to the material or I wont really know it.
The best way to learn is a personal thing. Not everyone learns in exactly the same way, but if you start getting some guidance from teachers or tutors, you can start to pick out the tools that work best for you.
The final thing to remember, is that standards do get higher! My grades dropped when I entered university, because more was expected of me and I had to work harder and learn more to catch up. You may have encountered the same thing.
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