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Promiscuous Couple
I am a 42 yr old male from Asia. Recently i met a woman of my dreams and we've been together for 2 months already. The problem came when she started telling me about her previous sex life before me and she confessed that she loves sex and has slept with over a hundred men (she is 30 by the way) since age 18 (including men she pick at at clubs/bars, strangers, friends, gigolos). While I am no spring chicken myself having bedded more than 150 women in my life, what bothers me was all this happen for me during my younger days and after awake up call, i stopped all my "activities" at 27 while she openly admitted that she cheated on her ex just 2 months before we got together because she wanted to break off with him but yet still had sex with her ex on the day of break up. Also, she keeps telling me that she enjoys having threesomes with two men all the time. Not to mention, she told me that if we were ever to split up, the first thing she will do is pack her bags for a holiday and go find herself a couple of gigolos. Yet, at the same time, i can't say she is not devoted to me as she really takes care of me well (physically and mentally). Things got to a high when i spoke to her a couple of days back when I told her i was pretty "shameful" about my past as I realize what i did in the past was nothing to be proud of. She in turn accused me of trying to make her feel guilty and shameful and she retorted that she is not the least bit "shameful" about it and if the chance arises she will do it again (after we break off that is). furthermore, she added that she ever slept with 6 different men in six days consecutively. Every time we broach on this subject, she will always have new things added like how she told me that even during the time i was courting her, she had 3 different sex partners waiting at her beck and call. She also said that i was only acting to make her feel shameful when I told her i wasn't and that I was really uncomfortable with my past. She keep displaying the "sex is just sex, love is love" kind of attitude which really sometimes make me feel really uncomfortable. Also, the thought has crossed my mind that some of the men she had sex with might be friends or acquaintances of mine. Now, as a guy in conservative Asia, who likes to hear his own friends say that I had bonked your girlfriend before" or "your girlfriend is a slut or whore where anybody can bonk her"? She even sometimes tell me in details about how she had sex with the different men in her life. I know I am in no position to question her as I myself was such before and it really didn't really bother me anyway, but to me now, I can't decide if she really is promiscuous and is our relationship really only based on sex as the primary issue? I need advice or opinions on really how to handle the issue.
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Razhie pretty much covered it. However, I will add that there is such a thing as swingers, or open marriages. It sounds like something like that might be right up her alley. However it takes a certain type of man for being able to handle sharing his girlfriend or wife for sex outside of their relationship. I have been in those circles with my ex. And I have seen that it works well for both partners as long as they would be open and honest about going to meet another lover rather than hiding it and in almost all cases the one partner even knew real well the the othersother lovers and were on a friendly basis with them. This is not for everyone. Last I heard when I was hanging out in the swing community, statistics were that 1 in every 100 people you meet will be a swinger. So it isn't too common but there's nothing wrong with it. She is being open about who she is. If this is a make it or break it deal for you, then best to be fair and let her go instead of try to change her.
I don't know if your religion or position in job or title would bring shame to you by other conservative people and cause possible problems for you if her sex habits became known. It is no one elses business but we see it on TV all the time, where the sexual adventures of celebrities are exploited and everyone puts in their opinion on what they think of it. So if you can't take the heat, then as wonderful as she may be, it may not work for you. Two people coming together in a relationship should never have to change anything about themselves. Everything about a partner, not just the sex, should enhance your life and you be able to do the same for her.
You say she's the girl of your dreams. Then focus on those traits that make her the girl of your dreams, are they worth giving up because of her sexual habits? Its all part of the same package?
Or is the stuff that makes her the girl of your dreams, all sexually based. Be honest with yourself.
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The past isn't important. What someone would hypothetically do if the relationship should end isn't important. Almost none of this is important.
My advice is to let it all go. You are negatively effected by some of the things she says? Explain that it makes you uncomfortable and ask her to stop sharing. Honestly, this relationship sounds rocky and will take some effort. Obsessing over things that happened or that might happen could cause you to sabotage it. It can create problems that aren't even there. Don't assume the relationship is based on sex. Don't assume the worst. Just try to enjoy what you have while you have it.
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Sounds like you two aren't actually a good match. You fundamentally disagree about what is proper and appropriate sexual behaviour.
The past behaviour you are ashamed of, she is a current advocate for. The sexual adventures you had when you were younger, and you feel you've grown out of, are not in her past. She enjoys them now, and doesn't agree with your position that they have anything to do with maturity or are anything to be ashamed of.
It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, what matters is that those different opinions have a huge impact on how you see the world, how you'll treat one another and what kind of relationships you'll be happy in.
It sounds like she is insecure and likes to prove her worth through sex.
It also sounds like she is not entirely reliable, and has a history of cheating and deception.
It sounds like you are not comfortable with the way she defines love and sex and frames them in her life.
It also sounds like you have, however unintentionally, tried to shame her or make her feel guilty, because you wish she agreed with your position that these past sexual adventures where something to be ashamed of.
Neither of these things make either of your horrible people, but it does make you a very bad match.
The way you handle an issue like this, is you either decide you can accept that your partner feels very differently than you do on an important subject, or you break off the relationship over this important disagreement. You don't try to change their mind, or force them to share (or pretend to share) your opinion on the subject.
Stop trying to decide who is right and who is wrong. That is not respectful of her, and it's not the right way to go about making your decision either. Instead, believe and respect what she tells you about herself, and decide if she is a good match for you or not. As far as I'm concerned, it sounds like not.
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