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If he loves her, why does he come to me for sex?
I'm trying to wrap my head around this. I've read why men have affairs, and this man does not fall into any category. He's in his 50's, I'm in my 40's, so it's not like I'm some young, hot, woman. In fact, I am not attractive at all (even worse with out clothes on). He loves his wife, he's told me many times, he would never leave her. I'm not exciting, I am not confident and have very low self-esteem, so, it's not like I bring anything to the table. He and his wife still have an active sex life, she doesn't make him mad, they have two wonderful sons and are the perfect couple. He says he has never cheated on his wife and feels guilty doing it (which I know I'm going to hear in the comments, he's lying, but for sake of argument, assume he is telling the truth). Yet, we've met a few times for sex, talked and spent the day together, so you can't say it was just for the sex. He and his wife still go out, he talks fondly of her, they don't have any financial problems. It's not like he wants to leave her. I would think, if a man is going to have an affair, he would reach for the sky, not for some loser.
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If he cheats on his wife,why wouldnt he cheat on you? if he tells you he loves you he's lying! Well yeah he's having an affair & you should feel very dumb for falling for a guy like him(: he played yo life sweety.
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After reading what your wrote this is the scenario I saw in my head.
Your home is somewhere between his work and home. He's on his way home; he is horny but tonight is his wife's bridge night so he's not going to get any from her tonight. So he stops at your house has a quick fuck with you then home to his wife for dinner before she is off to her bridge club.
Worst thing about this scenario is you allow this to happen. You're not his first and you won't be his last. His wife may even know this about him but as long as he is discreet, satisfies her needs she puts up with it because she is accustomed to a certain life style he provides or for the sake of the children.
I am not going to condemn you for the part you play in this, especially given how you feel about yourself he supplies a means to and end for you; that in and un itself id the worst of all. No women should have that low a self-esteem to allow herself to be treated this way.
Basically he is saying to you, Hi I'm horny, get naked and spread your legs for me. Come on you deserve better than that. You start by seeking the help of a psychologist to find out where you lost your self-esteem and get it back. You diet and exercise to look good again both in and out of your clothes. Get your hair styled and see a cosmetologist to learn what make-up to us to high-light you best features. Then treat yourself to some new clothes. They don't have to be fancy or expensive; just stylish.
Once you start feeling good about yourself you won't need guys like this. You don’t have to be cover girl beautiful to attract decent men. you just need some self-esteem.
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You are insecure, naive and available.
Being insecure means you are low risk. You likely make few demands, and do not have high expectations for how you are treated.
Being naive means you don't ask him this very important question, and accept silly statements like "I've never cheated before" at face value. For the sake of honesty, even if he has never actually fucked anyone else but you, you are not the first 'other woman', once there is one other woman, there is an other, other woman (or women). It may suit you and he to pretend they don't exist because he never got his penis instead them, but they exist.
Both these things together mean you are easily available. You don't ask questions or make demands. There is no compromising, I suspect he mostly does what he wants when he wants when it comes to his relationship with you.
Seriously. Go to counselling. Besides the fact it's utterly irresponsible and disrespectful of you to help someone betray their partner in this way, it's just deeply sad that you that have such a low opinion of yourself that instead of asking why you have accepted being nothing but a 'some loser' in your own life, you are wondering what is going through the thick skull of some guy who only wants to have sex with you behind his wife's back.
Fuck him and why he's doing this. That really shouldn't be the least bit relevant to your life! What you need to do is wrap your head around your own motivations and feelings. You are literally wasting your time worrying about this other person's thoughts and feelings, when your own are probably is complete disarray, and they have told you pretty clearly that will never be in an honest or respectful relationship with you.
Go talk with a pro and work on your relationship with yourself if you feel so unworthy and cheap that you'll accept attentions from a man who loves his wife so damn much (but just not quite enough to show her the basic respect of not lying to her).
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The last advice giver was right as to why he targeted you for sex.
However that still doesnt explain why if he's happy at home, he is seeking extra sex partners?
There's a slight possibility that he is not truly monogamous in his nature and makeup. Lots of people are not and force themselves into the mold because society seems to accept only that. However it is also quite natural for some people to find they desire extra relationships, if just for sex as in "Swinging" or for a full on loving relationship as in "Polyamory". The subject of polyamory is not well known and some people stumble across it in their lives accidently. Many have no idea that it is there in their makeup and they can not make themselves Not be that way...like a person is born being gay and they can't not make themselves feel that way.
I will say that the difference between one situation being cheating and adultery, and the other being a loving and considerate open lifestyle is that with Polyamory, it's all about being open and honest and talking to ones partner about how they feel they are not monogamous and asking for permission for themselves and giving permission to their partner to have lovers on the side...it goes both ways on mutual decision and agreement to do so. Open marriages fall under this catagory. The other situation is all about sneaking around, not being honest, breaking promises, etc.... a very negative situation. In each case there is an extra partner outside the marriage but they are entirely different situations. This man is a coward if he will not at least attempt to broach the subject with his wife. If she gives her permission and feels secure, then he can proceed and be doing so in good conscience, knowing he is not jeopardizing his marriage. If she says no, then he must not act on his desires for an extra relationship.
When I was divorced from an abusive ex, I never really had a low self image, I stayed because of religious beliefs for so long. But I was a confident woman. I started online dating to narrow down the possibilities of finding a better man and knew exactly what I was looking for. Many found me interesting and were attracted to respond. I met one guy who said he was single cus in my script I said I understood polyamory but he must be single. At our second date, he realized that I was the confident type and felt guilty cus he had lied to me so he figured to remedy things immediately by being honest and gaining my respect that way. He told me he lied, that he was married and that he was sorry. But he felt I would not have met him if I knew. He's darn tooting right! He said it was a sex less marriage, to which I said, if you are mismatched sexually, why not leave, divorce and find your perfect partner? He says because he loves her. Okay, then if you love her, tell her and let her know that having no sex is not an option for you, that you
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Guys who look mainly for sex in women actually TARGET insecure women. They can sense it. My advice, stay clear of this man. Wait for the guy that wants more than just sexual intercourse, but one that wants you for you. One that can see past your insecurities, and knows how to bring you higher. Now you said you're in your 40's, and I understand it may get lonely, you want company, and you want that sense of love and support-be confident. Confidence is sexy. Try to stay out of this unfaithful marriage situation, it'll only leave you in the dirt. At the end of the day, when you catch feelings, who will he choose, his wife of many years, or a fling? Think about it.
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Why? That is a very good question. Do you know his back story that well? My advice is to get to know him more and get to know his wife more. You may never know, but it's worth trying.
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