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My relationship, should I keep it
I'll try to keep this short. I've been in a relationship for almost 4 years. I'm 22, he's 36. Sometimes I wonder if I should break things off so I can meet other people and gain new experiences. I love him SOOOOO much. A lot of me wants to keep things, but obviously if I'm writing this there is a problem. Normally I'm very happy, but sometimes I get very scared at commitment. Sometimes I don't feel like it's fair for either of us to continue, but it'd also be very unfair for me to break things off, miss him and things terribly, and try to get back together.
I know that in the end, it's all up to me and has to be MY decision, but I guess I just want to know what you guys think.
Any ideas would be much appreciated, thanks!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If you've been in a relationship four years, it took some 'commitment' to do that.
This is more like wondering whether to continue the commitment.
So what could be getting you to question whether to continue the commitment to him?
Your conscious mind thinks he's great and loves him, but on another level, I'd say your subconscious mind isn't quite sure about staying with him. And now the question is why? It may not be something obvious to you, your subconscious just senses it but you can't actually put your finger on it.
I'll ask you questions that you don't have to answer to me, just ask these of yourself and how it applies to him and maybe it'll help you figure out why you're having reservations.
The reason you give for breaking things off is to meet other people and gain new experiences. It could be understood 2 ways. Either you are talking about meeting other guys and dating them to have new experiences with them or he is trying to keep you to himself, not allowing you to spend time with your girlfriends and family, and dictating what new hobbies or interests you are allowed to pick up or not. If so, this could be intentional as in a "Controlling type of personality" which is harmful to relationships, or due to his being older and having more life experience, he is making decisions for you automatically without thinking and you want more freedom to make your own decisions. Is this a possibility of whats going on? If so, you need to bring it up and see if things change.
It takes time to build trust in a relationship and there should be a good solid trust in him by now as long as he's done nothing to jeopardize it. If you don't feel you can fully trust him, then ask yourself what he has done to cause you to not trust him? to break that trust? It takes even longer to rebuild trust.
When he states what he believes in, stands for, regarding life issues, how he believes women should be treated, etc... does he merely speak the words, or does he back it up with action. Does his actions prove what it is he says he
believes?
Does he say he Loves you or has he ever said he is In Love with you. There is a difference. We love certain foods, we love a movie or author. Those are personal likes and preferences of things we enjoy. To say I love you shows the person enjoys your company and lots of things about you, but 'in love' is deeper. My 2nd husband and I treat each other as well as we treat ourselves, find life is more fun and exciting when we have each other at our sides to experience life together, the companionship, best friendship and therefore want to do everything together.
Does he enjoy being seen with you? Is he proud of you and enjoys showing you off to family and friends? If so, this is good, if not something is lacking in the level of his interest.
Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have many priorities in life such as job, furthering education, sports, his family, friends, volunteer work, wife/girlfriend, etc. however the female in his life should be one of his top 3 priorities, if not, you don't rate high enough on his list.
Does he respect and encourage you? Do your ideas, or goals have his respect and does he encourage you to pursue your hopes and dreams, and even find ways to support your going after them?
Does he care about your pleasure about sex? Is your being satisfied first, his priority or is it more about him?
Do your libido's differ greatly with one wanting more and the other less of times having sex?
Doe he still look/ or did he ever look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you, his eyes still enjoying taking peeks at you with admiring looks.
Communication is a key element in a relationship. Some people are more talkative than others. Some will not share what they are thinking or feeling very easily and are more quiet in nature. Is there a big difference in how much each of you communicate? Are issues of concern brought up without pointing blame? Does he make sure to speak compliments to you and speak in a calm voice, not consistantly raising his voice to you?
Does he despite his older age, seem to lean on you for mental and emotional support, and seem to be all around needy, relying on you to have a life rather than having a life of his own to which he added you. If one of you is too dependant on the other, that puts a strain on the relationship.
Do either of you suffer from low self esteem and require the other to constantly boost your self image?
Do both of you put equal amount and energy into the relationship? It takes no less than maximum efforts on parts of both people to make a relationship a healthy one. If one is not putting in full effort, then it is bound to have troubles or fail at some point.
I am sure there could be a few other pointers but these are a mix of mine and those of a relationship expert whose book I read.
Whatever you come up with that is making you feel uneasy, address this things with him. Just because you are 22 does not mean you have to be unattached to enjoy life. If he is the right one, you would be so loving it and not wonder or think about what you might be missing because those other things, will pale in comparison to what your life is like with him. If life with him is not as inviting as having the single life again, then being with him really isn't good enough to make that kind of commitment to stay. Once you understand what is causing you to question staying or leaving, it will be easier to make your decision and to stick by it without feeling guilty about it.
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Look, the only bit of information you've actually given us here, is your ages and how long you've been together.
Based only on that, well yeah, a 22 year old who has been in an exclusive relationship since they were 18, is very, very likely to have different desires from their relationship, than a 36 year old.
A 22 year old is likely to feel like they are 'almost alive' and just getting to the good stuff. A 36 year old is more likely to feel they are 'almost 40'.
You should both put your expectations and hopes for your relationship on the table. Do you want marriage, kids, travel, house ownership? Tomorrow, in five years, or in ten? Those are the sorts of questions that will really help you know if this is something worth holding on to or not.
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So the real issue is commitment? Well... There's no need to rush the commitment thing. Take things at your own pace. The most important question is, Does he make you happy? If you love him he must. I would think things through and don't make any rash decisions. Think of what could happen if you stay or if you break things off. I hope this helped to some degree. Good luck :)
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