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Adultery Options
Hi. I am married for more than 15 years. I love my wife. We are having a fantastic life. The one thing missing is physical relationship.For the last couple of years there is none. It is my lack of interest on her physically created this problem. I feel like getting physical with someone else. I know the hurt it will cause her if she comes to know. I don't want to walk away from her for this silly reason. At the same time it hurts me living this way. Any suggestion? Meeting a marriage counselor is ut of question. I don't even want her to know that I feel this way.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
It will hurt her more if you cheat on her. So talk to her please. My husband and I had the same problem. It has since has been fixed on both ends. As far as the bedroom goes, role-play works fabulously if you both commit to it. We have even gone as far as pretending to be different characters and meeting eachother for the first time. We have indulged eachother in different fantasies. If it has to do with her physical body then you must tell her, it will hurt but then you also have to be willing to change things on your end as well. You might be surprised at what she has to say....I know, it sounds harsh and uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable/harsh as an affair and then divorce. My husband and I cheat in a way but just with eachother. ;)
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The two previous advice people gave you some good advice. I will put my 2 cents in and try to cover a couple more points of view.
Good communication in marriage is an important thing. Conversation on any topic should be in the realm of possibility if the two of you have total trust in each other which after 15 years together you should have if neither of you have been doing anything to betray or kill that trust.
If neither of you feel comfortable being open, and intimate in talk, and honest with each other, then you may have bigger problems than what you think.
When the two of you met, I wonder what the sex was like then. I wonder if there was great passion between the two of you, if she initiated sex at times through the years or was it just you approaching her after the first year or two, you initiating sex and she let you. But do you know if she really enjoyed it and got anything out of it? A high amount of women have never orgasmed in their life. So if there is a chance that she lost interest in sex after so many years of not getting pleasure out of it, that would feed to your disinterest if it wasnt related to any physical changes in her appearance as suggested. I've had male friends be very frank with me and say that there's nothing like finding the women who is wild and passionate in bed and its easy to see how she desires him, rather than her laying there like a cold fish and letting him have his way. That I've heard is one factor of why a guy finds a lack of interest in a woman sexually.
He may have caused her to become that way, their pheremones may be off, their libido's not a match, or there could be other factors such as depression which already was mentioned, and I don't know her age but if she were going through early menopause, that could affect her response to you which could affect your interest in her. Females can start menopause in their forties but I had a neighbor who told me she went through menopause at 35 and had lots of problems where she had to have everything removed.
If the two of you have not been communicating with each other over the 15 years, then its going to feel awkward to start now but it is critical to do so. And thats where seeing a counselor may help you both to do so in proper ways rather than say things that might hurt or point blame.
How do you know how your wife feels about all this. What if she has carried a big secret from you all these years that after the first 2 years of marriage, what she felt initially for you attraction wise seemed to disappear and she has been faking her sexual interest all these years. She may not feel safe to tell you what she feels, what she wants, for fear of losing you. If she doesn't feel safe, then the two of you never had the depth of intimacy in sharing that is needed for a healthy marriage. Its not too late to start by seeking out a marriage counselor.
Let me share another story of how important communication is. I will make up the names but this is a real life story. I have a long time male friend Pete. He moved and lives on the other side of the continent from me, married, teen kids and kept in touch over the years with email and occasional phone calls. He knew he could discuss anything with me and said, he's tried having talks with his wife to find out what is wrong but she wouldn't say anything and for the last couple years, they've had no sex life. He knew at the time I had gone to swing clubs (with the ex husband) and wondered if that might be a solution for him.
I told him that I learned that what we think adultery means today vs what it meant in Bible days is totally different. If a man came along and seduced the wife away from her duties to hubby, that was considered 'stealing'. The offense was stealing, not having sex outside of the marriage.In those days, women were property and a man would loan his wife out to a visitor for the night. It was considered a very polite gesture to another person.
In most countries today, women are no longer considered property, so the same principles apply to her as to him, if either wife or husband wants to have sex outside the marriage, for whatever reason, they need to bring it up in conversation and discuss it. That way it is not cheating if one gives the other permission. Sneaking off to have affairs in secret, IS cheating.
He told me he understood that. So he got to courage to tell his wife that he really still had interest in sex and since she has been unwilling to tell him what the problem was so they could work through it, he is considering going outside the marriage to get his needs taken care of. I love you, I could never leave you. Your future with me is stable. I would like your blessing to do this, but even if you don't agree, I will proceed and begin looking for a sex partner.
Thats when she broke down and finally told him, she'd had an illness for years that made it painful to be touched, the bed sheets on her skin were painful too at times...she had Fibromyalgia. And that is why she didn't want any sex at all, it was nothing more than a bunch of extra pain to experience. But she felt if she told him, that she would lose him. She actually didn't know thats what it was at the time, she just described it. So he told me they went to see a doctor and it was diagnosed and know they knew what they were dealing with. The wife loved him very much and got really involved in the idea of him finding a sex partner. She got to meet them, the kids were old enough and were told because at one point he had a girlfriend living with them in their home for 3 yrs i think it was. The wife even invited the girlfriend along on a vacation they took without the kids, booking 2 rooms so that her husband and the lover had their privacy at night. She felt secure because her husband still loved her and he felt happy because she allowed him to get his sexual needs taken care of.
A resolution to the situation came about because not just one of them but both of them opened up and shared their feelings, situation, etc.
If you still after all I've said, feel that you can not tell your wife, then I feel sorry for her because you are not being an adult, thinking immature like a teenager, and you probably out of ignorance have never treated her well enough don't to have a healthy relationship together.
Ignorance is NOT bliss. Its a time bomb waiting to explode. NO, you can't just sneak off and be physical with someone else.
Perhaps this line of thought will help you to take some action to start having some real communication on the topic with her.
Without an affair in the possibility, can you see yourself saying and doing nothing and be able to handle another year of no sex...oh it'll be hard but maybe a year, can you handle a sexless marriage for 3 years, ouch that hurts...I don't know if I can handle it, how about a sexless marriage for 5 years, 10 year, how about for the next 20 years or to the day you die? Thats a scary thought, isn't it.
I don't know if she has all the issue or changes to make or if it is you that does but talking is important step toward the healing process.
If you have lost interest in her bodys looks as adviceman mentioned, then I'd have to question how much you really loved her. He is right the the body is just the vehicle that houses the person inside that you make love to. My own husband has gained a lot of weight. But I am still in love with the man who is inside, so much that I still feel the passion and we enjoy sex. Though he needs to lose weight to be healthier, despite the weight, there are still things I find sexy about him. If this is the concern and you were really putting forth the effort, and really loved her, then you would begin to notice things about her that still are sexy. I've been in nudist clubs and have seen on occasion very over weight, actually really obese women. One did not look attractive at all, a couple others had a great self confidence and I marveled that even I as a straight women could notice that these women looked beautiful and sexy despite their weight. And it was their confidence. Have you done anything to build the wifes confidence?
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Razhie and I often agree on questions and once again I agree with what she has written.
You have in essence said you have fallen out of sexual attraction with your wife's body though you haven't said why. Not every woman after 15 years of marriage and bearing several children has the same body that she had when she first met and married her husband. My wife certainly doesn't.
Over the years though I have learned that it is not my wife's body I make love to. I make love to my wife the person in the body. Her body is just the vehicle with which I can sexually express that love.
You say you love your wife bit cannot bring yourself to make love to your wife. To me that is a contradiction in terms. To me there are two types of sex; Recreational sex and making love. Recreational sex is the type we had before we married there was only the physical attraction or just a willing partner who would allow us to use her for our own purpose. Making love is entirely it is not just sex it is far more pleasing than that. There is more emotional involvement a way of showing your love for one another.
IF your wife's physical appearance is such a turn off that you cannot bring yourself to make love to her. Then you need to look inside yourself to see if maybe you are partly to blame.
I'm going to guess that your wife's physical changes are not just the result of child bearing. That maybe she has let herself go and gained a lot of weight to the point she may be obese. If there is no medical reason for her weight gain such as a thyroid problem; then one cause of obesity, over eating, is depression. Lack of intimacy could be the underlying cause of any depression she may be suffering.
What you need to do is get your wife to a doctor and have her screened for depression. IF she is diagnosed for depression she can be treated medically and with counseling get to the root cause. Once she is treated she can lose the weight. But you have to help her and that includes being intimate with her and attending therapy sessions with her when asked.
Sure cheating will solve your needs but it won't help your wife.
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You wont talk to her.
You wont see a marriage counselor.
You wont end the marriage.
So no. There aren't really any suggestions. You've ruled out everything except cheating.
So what it sounds like you want, is permission from someone here to deceive her, betray her and cheat on her.
I doubt anyone here is going to give that you that permission. That really sucks. That's a shitty thing to do.
There are honest, respectful ways for a couple (or only one member of the couple) to have sexual encounters outside of the relationship, but ALL of those honest and respectful ways, begin with you speaking to her about the problem in your marriage.
It's just fine to desire sex with others, but if you are going to continue on being married, she has a reasonable expectation that that is the sort of decision she is a part of. If you can't involve your partner in those discussions about what you both want from you life together, then you shouldn't be married to anyone.
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