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People Don't Listen to Me
Maybe I'm being overly sensitive because I already tend to feel invisible. Also, this may be something that happens to everyone. However I feel like people just don't listen to me.
I feel like when I speak, people ignore big parts of what I'm trying to say. People on this site are not guilty of this, but when I ask other people for advice, they're horrible at it because they don't listen to my whole question. When I tell a story and they repeat it, they get it all wrong.
Tonight someone got mad at me because I told them of certain things that people were doing that were offending me. I made sure to tell them that they were not one of these people, but they missed that part somehow and jumped down my throat. People do things like this somewhat often.
When I give someone a valuable piece of information, something that they need to know, if they don't know it, it's my fault. I get blamed for people not listening to me and maybe it is my fault. But how? What do I do about it? I used to think that it was indeed my fault. It didn't seem reasonable that everyone else was the problem, so maybe I wasn't making myself clear. I started making myself as clear as possible and I know that people could understand me, but they still don't. Is this a common problem? Do people think I'm not worth listening to?
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Hi there. Let me tell you a bit of 'power psychologyl'. It might sound a bit counter-intuitive. When you get in a loop like this (nobody listens to you) your self-esteem goes down, so you feel you're not worth listening to, and so on. People tend to try and talk louder and faster, to get their say in during the brief period they feel is all they'll get. Ever noticed how people in authority tend to speak slowly, at a moderate, constant volume and tone? And people pick up on the calm, natural air of authority and importance it lends them? And when they speak, people listen. Resist the urge to shout and rattle on like a verbal machine-gun. Try copying this bit of verbal 'power-play'. It often works, purely because people associate this with power. Think high court judges, consultant surgeon at a hospital, high ranking government staff. Also, if and when others challenge or heckle, nod an acknowledgement, defer...basically ignore it. Don't let it break your thread, keep framing the words you want to say in advance...and deliver them like a speech, or lines in a script. Big-up your persona, they'll start to listen!
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Not being able to hear you speak I would be hard pressed to pinpoint any problem. If you feel you are being ignored when you talk to people or when you try to pass on information then it is probably happening to you. I don't think it is because they are not interested in what you have to say. It may be more in the way you say things.
I'll give you an example. A good friend of mine is married to a lovely lady. She is the type of person who would do anything for anyone including going without something if someone else needed it more than she did. She has only one flaw. When she talks she has a tendency to beat a subject to death. Not because she thinks she may be right or everyone else is wrong, she is just not able to accept just the portion of the story or information the teller is giving. When she talks she gives way to much information on subjects so those of us who know and love her have a tendency to listen with half an ear, picking out certain key words or phrases to acknowledge until we can change the subject.
I don't know if this is how you are when you speak or in conversation with others. This is just one person I know that as you described yourself is not listen to as you would like to be listened to.
If this is who you are do you need to change yourself? Not really. As I said of my friend; we all know of her little flaw and it doesn't really bother us, we still love and respect her for who she is. We all have flaws; those who love us will overlook them.
If you believe learning to speak better will help you with this problem then I recommend a public speaking course. A course like the Dale Carnegie Public Speaking Courses will not only help you with your personal life. It will help you in your school and professional life as well.
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It is reasonable to think that you are lacking some skills in making yourself understood. There are a few things that could be tripping you up, and I think it's worthwhile considering what you can change. Being 'clear' is only a small part of effective communication. There is also tone and body language, and they order of information presented. If you are stumbling on either of those two things, people will struggle to understand you.
But it is also really common problem, and probably doesn't reflect anyone's idea that you 'aren't worth listening too' but has more to do with their preconceived notions of what you are going to say and what they want to hear.
Honestly, it's a problem that I run into constantly on this site. People fixate on one portion of what I said, and take offence, while ignoring the whole of what my meaning was. Or people assume I'm saying X, because X is what they expected to hear, no matter how clearly I said I don't mean X. There are many people in the world, who assume the worst of others whenever they are confused. Those people suck, but they are out there and we all have to talk to them sometimes.
I also have a very dear person in my life who drives me bat-shit crazy sometimes, because they flip out when information (like directions to store) isn't presented in exactly the order they want it in. I think it's obnoxious and absurd that they can't just take the information they have been given, and rephrase it in their own mind in the way that works best for them. Or write it down, if they need it written, but for the sake of the friendship I've had to accept that this is just not a skill they have or are willing to develop.
I work professionally with artists, and most artists I find are very good at listening, communication and clarifying, both the emotional content of what is being said in the facts. This is probably because their jobs depend on them being understood, and understanding what other people are getting from what they communicate, but in other aspects of my life, I am constantly running into trouble with people who are clearly just waiting their turn to speak, or are don't seem interested in investing the bit of work, that I am doing to understand them, in understanding me.
So I think the answer is two-fold: Yes, everyone else is the problem, but Yes, there are probably things you can do to help yourself be heard. The first thing you can do, is listen more, but not just for what they are saying, but also for how they are saying it. Usually, gently mimicking someone's order of information, or the choices they make about volume or humour, is a good way to get through to them. Paying attention to where they have misinterpreted or gotten confused, can also help you know what soft spots to avoid. With important information, asking follow up questions, or sending it to them in a text or email can help people accept that you've given them the information, and it's now on them to know it.
It's not worth getting overly anxious about, but it is worth working on the skill. If you can develop those sorts of skills, you'll eventually be able to run circles around those sorts of people, and you'll attract the friendship of people more like you.
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