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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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So I have a boyfriend that I've been dating for over a year now and I love him dearly. However, I've recently started to get close to another friend of mine and feel like I'm catching feelings for him! I know 99% sure that he has feelings for me, but I have no clue what to do with this. I honestly love my boyfriend but I feel like this other guy is really amazing as well... what do I do?

Your question of how to decide between guys or how to even find one who is a decent guy, comes up quite often so I am pasting in the document below on How to find this guy. It works so well because this is something I used and I found a wonderful man whom I have now been with 9 years and probably will til the day one of us passes over.

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost thirty year marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grand-kids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenarios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Another name for this is 'Needs'. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, that his son did, but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn't matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, then on a 3rd time asked out, tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. (A second date could mean he is still checking you out, to see if you were as great as he remembered from the first date. But if he asks a 3rd time, he is reasonably interested in you) Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.

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So... I really had my heart ripped out and stomped out today. He is asking out one of my friends that knew since 6th grade but not close anymore this year, as sophomores. I asked him how he and his crush is doing, He said its good then asked how is everything. I said iffy and since wherein the topic about crushes I said how I feel like no matter how nice I am to him he doesn't notice. Then he texted back I do notice and he didn't know if it would make it worst to say. then I said what do you mean when he said he knew that I had a crush on him. to sum it up I convinced him that it would be bad to have a crush on him because of he about to ask a girl out and he didn't like me.

And he said yeah that wouldn't make sense. So confirmation that he doesn't like me. I don't know what to do, I don't want to talk to him anymore, He seemed cruel about it by even assuming that I was talking about him as my crush, but he was right. I feel so shitty.

So sorry to hear you are hurting over this. Is there a question you wanted to ask, or was this just a place you chose to do venting?

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So I am starting to notice a pattern in my dad that is concerning me ... a lot!

Besides the fact that he is not that old (just turned 56) and has a deteriorating physical condition (big belly and weak heart muscle) he refuses to exercise and become healthier. The doctors have already told him he will be in big trouble if he doesn’t start getting his heart back in shape but he just won’t do it. OK.

I get that I can’t do anything about that and it’s his life. He is the only one who can change and only if he wants to.

But aside from all this, I am starting to notice that he is becoming increasingly obsessive with the news and politics and religion... to a point that is unhealthy almost.

Let me explain...

He has a sedentary job, he spends most of the day on his phone when he isn’t working and then comes home and spends time on his phone some more. He is literally glued to the thing he can’t go anywhere, a restaurant, on vacation anywhere he can he will pull out the phone. He doesn’t carry on conversations anymore unless it’s to talk about something he’s reading on the phone....

And what does he read all day? Fake news and politics that just make him angry and negative.

He’s had a difficult past. He’s fought for freedom multiple times, been in wars and was almost killed trying to become free. So without going into too much detail, safe to say he has been traumatized and has certain political views about what is right and wrong. And that’s fine, he’s been through a lot and I respect him and his opinions.

What concerns me is that he’s reading that fake news that is everywhere meant to create hate between sides and people and he feeds into it. It’s so unhealthy. He trolls on chat rooms and Facebook, he will blatantly post his opinion anywhere and everywhere and get into comment wars with people. And he’s not stating his opinion in a respectful organized way, if you know what I mean. He will say anything to get people going and mad and angry.

He’s never been like this before but all the time he spends online is turning him into a hateful person to anyone that argues with his opinion. Just online though. He’s the sweetest man in person, and he loves me but his views have turned into an obsession. I’m just really concerned for his health at this point but he won’t listen to reason. My mom tries to get him out of the house but he’s just so fixated on the phone and on “fighting” the side he thinks is threatening him.

Partly I blame a divided country feeding nothing but hate to people. I just don’t know what to do to get him out of it. We’ve had several talks and interventions he just doesn’t listen.

I’m worried. What can I do? And if nothing, how can I reframe my thinking about the situation? I love him and don’t want anything bad to happen to him.

What you speak of is an epidemic that has spread across our country, the U.S. We have some of the most unhealthy people in the world and many other nations are starting to have the same issues. Its a little bit of lifestyle that contributes but mostly its the type of food available, whats marketed and what we believe we want, fast food, lots of flour, sugar and fat in what we eat. When I and hubby went on a diet that cuts out sugar or any carbs that can turn to sugar, It really woke me up to just how much flour it in everything we eat, even some popular salad dressings and gravies, or in breading on some foods. He's like a person on a train going full speed down the tracks and the brakes are broken. This issue of health is so far gone that most people can not be convinced to do something drastic and not usually fun at all to get off this train. Some people change after a heart attack, a surgery or getting cancer but by then its too bad a deal for the body to start healing it self if one gives it what it needs and cuts out what is detrimental to our bodies healing themselves. Your Dad isn't the only one glued to his phone. Start taking count when standing in a check out line, at a Dr.s waiting room, these are usual places for people to be on their phones. But they also are on their phones at gatherings, parties,school room, dinner table and that reminds me of a device created to at least shut of all media devices, cells and TV included at dinner time. So unless your Dad knows about this device and what it looks like, he will never know and your family can get at least a half hour of time talking to him unless he is upset and raging every night about the cell not working.

Here's a link: https://firstwefeast.com/eat/2015/04/this-pepper-grinder-shuts-down-electronics-during-dinner-time

There is no help or cure in sight yet as far as associations to turn to for help. Alcoholics have Alcoholics anonymous to help them. But there is nothing like that yet for the majority of people who are addicted to being on their cell phones 24/7. Some people sleep with them and wake up and check it every time they hear a beep or sound to see if someone texted them. Until there is such help available, the nine out of 10 people who seem to suffer addication to cell phones and media, will go on doing as they do.

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I think someone is in love with me, but isn't telling me because I have a boyfriend. I'm pretty sure the guy is interested in me though. Should I tell my boyfriend that this guy has feelings for me???

It's pretty easy to figure this one out. All you have to do is use your imagination and reverse roles.
So lets say it's your boyfriend who thinks that another girl is in love with him but not telling him because he has you for a girlfriend. He writes and asks if he should tell you.
If the scenerio was reversed like that, would you really like your boyfriend to walk up to you and say, "Hey I have something interesting to tell you. I think that there is a girl who might be in love with me, even though you are my girlfriend. I am guessing but pretty sure and figure she isn't saying anything to me because I am with you."
So how would you feel? Would you be saying, "Great! The more, the merrier!" I don't think so. You would be thinking, Why is the fact that someone else is into him so on his mind? Is he not happy with me? If he can't stop thinking about her, what does that say about our relationship? Is he possibly thinking that maybe if he tires of me, he's got an instant new girlfriend, or maybe he is thinking of leaving me, or maybe secretly dating her on the side. I guarantee if you are a normal female, you will be thinking something along those lines. Girls and boys alike tend to feel possessive of their gf/bf. So if you tell your boyfriend that another guy loves you, even though he's never said that,just by his looks and actions, then wouldn't your boyfriend feel the same as we just pretended if it was you being told this? If your boyfriend hears you tell him this, he may think you are planning on breaking up with him and going after the other guy. Do you really want to make a big thing out of the fact that someone else admires you and is attracted to you. Heck girl, this kind of thing happens to all people throughout their lives. And this is why there are so many fights due to jealous feelings. Jealousy is a fear of losing something. Your boyfriend may fear he is losing you to another guy. Probably 90% of people or higher can not handle hearing this kind of thing. So it is better left unsaid and you focusing on the boyfriend, not dreaming about the other guy. If you feel the bf is the wrong guy for you, then you will have to decide if you will break up with him but don't do this just to have a chance to see if something might work out with the other guy.

Hon, listen closely as I am older and have experienced much of this in my life. I am remarried to a wonderful guy. He and I both know we are soul mates and love each other so much. that doesn't mean that occasionally another woman isn't going to look at him or even flirt. And for me, it means guys are looking, smiling and flirting. Not everyone but occasionally. Still, just because someone else might be interested, or even think they love me, that doesn't affect what we have. I and my husband are the exception. He told me about a lady in check out as he was cashiering who was flirting and asking if he'd like to go grab a coffee sometime. He knows he can tell me because neither of us have any reason to feel jealous, we have no fear that there is someone better or different who will steal our mate away. What makes him a good husband is part of who he is and I can't expect him to turn it on for me and shut it off for other females. This list would include, Mom, his sister, his friends female relatives, and female neighbors. He is great at sensing when someone needs a kind word and will compliment lets say a cashier on her necklace. The only issue is if a guy does that for other females but has stopped doing it for you or rarely does it for you. So one day, he complimented the gal and I was in line right next to him. The terrified look she shot at me was clear, she was thinking, OMG, he did that in front of his woman and she is going to blow up at me or maybe me too. Actually, it was the opposite, I was hard put to not laugh out loud at the look on her face. I was biting the insides of my cheeks and covering my mouth with my hand to attempt to hide the fact I was finding it funny. I hardly think your boyfriend would start laughing if you told him. Neither would you if it was the other way around. Also, when it comes to being attracted to someone, that someone doesn't always feel the same way back. There is a lack of chemistry. So even if some guy thinks he likes you, and you were single and started spending time with him, there is no guarantee that you would feel chemistry. If you don't know what that is, heres the best way I know to explain, a kiss from a guy you have chemistry with is going to feel heavenly, make your heart so somersaults, etc. Whereas a kiss from a guy who you lack chemistry with, is going to feel like a dad or brother giving you a romantic kiss, so it feels gross and makes you shiver in disgust. So in your life, even once married, both you and your man will have people who subtly stare at you or are braver and talk and flirt even if they know you are married, or they come out and say they want you or are in love. Too bad. They are in the wrong place at the wrong time and didn't meet you or the husband first. If a partner can be stolen away simply because someone else seems to be in love with you or your boyfriend, then know this, it means that either you or he never really loved each other, or you did but are so different and never really had the chemistry so it is easy to leave and go with someone else if not happy with your partner. Is that what you want, to leave your boyfriend and go try to date this other guy? Better think long and hard. You have the real thing now. There is no guarantee that this other guy you think loves you is actually in love. He may just be in lust with you. Men are visual creatures and so often if they have no female in their life as GF, wife, or are not happy in their relationship, or they are a player and will take any female to bed for sexual gratification for themselves, then when they see a female they feel lust for, just the want of sex, but without any love, they will look often and they will imagine what you must be like as a partner. Yes maybe it's more but you can't be in a relationship with two men at the same time or married to two men. Be happy with the right one, and don't go looking elsewhere. The only reason you are interested is because females do like knowing that other males find them attractive. Sure, I love it when other guys look at me, but it doesn't mean I wish I was married to them or dating them. Been there and dated many after my divorce but none of them were as great as the man I married. A pretty or handsome face could have a rotten personality.

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people always talk about me and they think it don’t get to me but it really do. I always try to change myself but it never works. I see a lot of people getting talked about but they still have all of there friends. What should I do? How can I change myself?

I used to have severe social anxiety from grade school through HS. With this background, my first thought is to wonder if you have actually overheard people talking about you and the content of what they have said. There are lots of details and info that could shed light on what is actually going on.
If indeed some people are saying nasty untruths about you, but you are prettier and or smarter than most, those I remember as reasons for people to pick on and or say bad things about a person. In each scenerio, they are jealous, jealous they don't look as good as you, don't have the intelligence and "A's' you have and it could also be jealousy of having parents, or mom or dad if they have a missing parent or have a very dysfunctional home. That I know too from kids who acted up and picked on others, not just me...some had a Dad who left the family and a MOm who gave up on the basics so the kids had to scrounge for food or go hungry, never had a birthday party, etc. I think you get the picture.

The other reason is that kids are simply immature and not thinking of others, or basically how it feels to be someone else. this would be what I call putting myself in the other persons shoes. This means using imagination to understand why a person does what they do by applying all the details of their life to yourself. Unfortunately, teens brains aren't done growing to its mature wise choice ability state until mid twenties. So other than the minority who are mature at this ag, most are compromised by a brain that doesn't allow them to think ahead or consider consequences of all their actions, how it affects them or others.

YOu say you keep trying to change yourself. Changing oneself to be right for a guy to date you or changing yourself to have lots of friends, all of these will backfire in some way. How do I know? I married at 20 and for the first 5 yrs of marriage, I kept trying to change things about myself to make my husband love me more. He actually never did love me as he told a psychologist at the end of our marriage, he simply wanted to look more normal to the public, have a house, a car, pets, kids and a wife. So I was more of an ingrediant, makeup to make him look okay to others and he did have plenty people fooled except my pastor and the psychologist. ONe of the problems of changing yourself each time you are with a differentn person to match them and what they like is two problems, One is you begin to resent them for not liking you as you are or for having in some way required you to be this, or demand you change, and the person for whom you have changed, well, deep down, their subconscience will notice things that they and others don't see on the surface and they will never really like you or may eventually treat you terrible, like a door mat because they see you as weak and a wimp and not interesting at all. None of this is true, only perceptions of people. What you need to keep in mind is that like attracts like when it comes to friends. So another problem is pretending to be confident and outgoing when you are not and having a guy fall for the fake you. When he discovers this is all fake and sees the real you, then you are not what he tends to like so he breaks up. It works the same with a man pretending to be what I wanted after a divorce when dating again. What i learned is that a person can only pretend and use a false persona for a short while because it takes so much personal energy and remembering and pretending and not letting things slip, that anyone doing this will only be able to keep it up for days if not a couple weeks before they show their real self accidentally by getting too comfortable and letting things slip. There were 3 or 4 guys who did that to me and I discovered each one had traits like the ex I left.

The only thing I ever changed about myself is going from being a shy introvert with low self worth to a friendly outgoing woman with good self esteem and self confidence. Those two are the same thing just from different viewpoints. Self confidence can be faked as its how people perceive you when they watch you and think you seem to look and act self confident, but it could be a pretense on your part. High self esteem is how you think about yourself, how you watch your thought life and don't allow yourself to dwell on unflattering thoughts about yourself which is easily helped by understanding people and different personalities and tricks to work with your subconscious mind rather than against it.
You may not need to change in such ways at all. When people are young, and their brains not yet fully mature, we really have no idea about what makes a true friend and have it hard trying to find a romantic partner as well. Having some helpful information will do wonders. After a divorce, I followed a list of criteria I wrote for what I needed and wanted in a man, as God told me to do and I followed that list, to many males dismay, but I eventually found my 2nd husband, a true gem of a man, my soulmate and sweetheart and I couldn't be happier. Things like meeting and having friends or a mate don't happen by chance for the most part. We have to be doing intentional things to attract people. When I look back to how I was in HS, the me I am now, would never be attracted to the me I was back then. Why? I came across as too boring, shy, and uninteresting. Even today, I dislike trying to have a conversation with someone who I have to drag every single word out of them, who say nothing, mumble, look down at the floor instead of into my eyes and answer in one word or a short phrase and let conversation die. I don't avoid them, because I was once like that and grateful for any who approached me and wanted to be friends. I am more of the mind to help people to change simply to what will help them transition from a student, a minor to an adult. It was my realizing I would have a hard time going from HS into the adult world because I had to be able to speak for myself, be self confident and so on , to get jobs, and keep them, to attract a mate, to make phone calls when a bill or something else is wrong and have no problem asking for what I want and not settling for less than what I feel is satisfactory. In fact, after 4 years, I am fed up with the clinic and Drs. I have been seeing. They drop the ball, forget about me and results of tests, you can't get through on the phone and have to show up in person to schedule appointments and they still haven't felt there is anything wrong medically when I have suffered a conditions now since the end of August. So I will make the calls and check out some new Drs. that my insurance covers because the care I have been getting is mediocre. This is an example of being confident enough to not take anyone's answer as my only choice. I will keep searching until I find a Dr. in whom I instantly feel confident that they really know their stuff and can help me.

So, I don't know why people are talking or if as it was for me way back, worried more about what people might think of me if I did anything or said anything. It could be an overactive imagination like I had, even if i heard people talking and they happened to look over at me, I'd assume they were talking about me. I know now that was not true. I was the one with the issues and problems.

I do know that to get through these difficult years for you, it will take at least changing your thinking as I had to do. Distorted, inaccurate thinking will cause more problems for you than anything else in life so this is one thing I tell everyone. When your thought life is mostly negative about yourself, your body will subconsciously follow along and try to support those negative thoughts by your actions. It can be subtle so you don't see it yourself but thats one thing, thoughts, that you can work on. If this sounds interesting to you and you want to learn to build your self esteem/confidence so You aren't affected negatively by what you think others are doing, and to learn to not care what others think, then you will benefit from reading books on the subject. I can only recommend a Dr. David Burns who was a psychologist and writes on how to overcome depression, all anxieties, fears, distorted thinking. I will put his website link for you to browse.
https://feelinggood.com/

If you have more information that might give me an idea of what is going on if it isn't about what I have guessed, then please let me know and I will try to help more. Lastly, there is somebody for everyone. But not everyone will become friends with one somebody. That means you can't and won't even like everyone in your school, workplace or neighborhood. Some are friendly and civil towards you, you talk only on limited terms if at all, but those who are most like yourself are going to be attracted to you as a friend. Teens haven't figured that out too well. But by college they are learning and the older you get, the more people have figured out what they like and are attracted to for friends or mates. So when it comes to having a boyfriend, a husband, males don't like the same thing, certainly not what media shows us all is the most popular and liked. If that were the case, I'd have extremely long legs, be very skinny to almost anorexic, wear tons of makeup, have well kept pretty nails, have a huge chest due to implants, and a skinny waist. I don't look anything like that and yet, there will always be men who do a double take and look at me again because I am to their liking just the way I am. I am older, wear no makeup, am short, wrinkles and the hair going grey instead of coloring it. The one who counts, my husband, still looks at me with desire in his eyes, appreciate glances, after 9 years, but he isn't the only one who looks at me. No, I don't get every male staring at me when I walk into a Starbucks. But it will be one every other day that I at least catch looking. That doesn't cover those whom I don't catch. I am using just looks here. But the older we get, people don't care as much about the looks if they had the model type who was rotten on the inside. Many learn early to value who a person is on the inside. So you may have to wait a while if young. If you are college age or older, try looking for a meeting of people you can join who have the same hobbies, or interests as you. Meetups dot com is a good place to start and will list every meet up in your city and your neighborhood. I suggest something like this to gain some successes as it is easier when joining a meeting of people who like the same thing. Just search through all catagories and see whats set up and what catches your interest. I have seen Mommies with babies in buggies, meeting to walk together and catch a smoothie after the walk, game board players meetings, to those who all like yoga, natural health, those who believe in the afterlife, a certain religion, knitters, and on and on. I know what having some success does for you. My confidence grew to the point there was no room for doubting thoughts to fill my mind about myself. I did go to some of these meet ups but my confidence grew also in other experiences as well. If you just need to talk, write me. It helps to have someone you can share your thoughts with and not fear being ridiculed. Only if you question something or wants answers or a change that is actually needed, I can help.

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hi! i'm 15 years old, and like most teenagers i'm very insecure about myself, especially my body. i'm not a very curvy girl, in other words i'm VERY skinny. i don't have any curves, not many thighs, i don't have any butt etc etc. tomorrow i have a presentation for school and i have to wear a bodycon dress for it and when trying it on today my body looked like a table, i was so sad. i need help! what do i do? i don't want everyone at school tomorrow bothering me about how horrible i look :/ advice pls!

Lots of teenage girls are tiny and without curves, I was one of them. I didn't think I looked bad as there were plenty of others who had close to the same tininess with no curves. It wasn't until I was in my 50s and working at a fast food place that one of the young girls befriended me and she was skinnier in her twenties than I ever was in HS. She had that almost anorexic look. In fact, when I was younger, people would quietly ask my family members if I was anorexic. I do know the difference of flat and skinny with no curves or fleshy covering and the look of a malnourished body. This is a phase of your life. It won't last forever. By 18 or 20 you will have grown and changed some, again by 30 or after having kids and in mid life too. I was 110 in HS and did not reach 115 until early thirties. It took until I hit late forties and age 50 to get to 125-128.

I know a body con dress is a snug tightly clinging dress. What I do not understand is why you are told you have to wear one for school to do your presentation in? Does this mean every girl present in class who does not own one needs to buy one to do a presentation? Some girls never wear dress, not for your reasons but simply because they don't like wearing dressing and feel more comfortable in pants. So what I am guessing is that perhaps if wearing your 'best clothes' or 'dressing up' was mentioned, it did not necessarily mean wearing a dress. A boy dressing up does not wear a dress but slacks rather than jeans and a dress shirt. A female can be dressed up by wearing slacks, a nice blouse and maybe a blazer jacket over that. So if you were not told you Must wear this specific type of dress by your teacher, then I would borrow a dress from someone if the only one you own is a body con. I have no idea why you would wear one. I never have either as I used to be too skinny and after having kids I had the poochy stomach that I didn't like the look of in tight dresses, skirts, or any kind of clothing wear it would look emphasized. You need to clarify with the teacher why you must wear that particular style if they said so. I can hardly imagine it is an overall school policy that girls in all classes who do a presentation must wear body con style. There must be something you forgot to tell me. Just in case it is as you say, and the teacher doesn't give a satisfactory answer, go to the principal or a counselor at school and ask. If your teacher is the only one making this requirement and it is not a private school with strict dress codes, then your teacher may be out of line for requesting females show off what they have or don't have yet. They are testing you for your brain and knowledge, not how sexy your body looks. So as far as my own opinion counts, I do not see this as on the level if actually required. Talk to your Mom and if there is this edict from the teacher to wear body con dresses, whether male or female teacher, Mom should really get involved and let them know you will be wearing either nice dress pants or a dress that you like. You do have to talk to someone in your world about it. I can't do it for you from here. It comes across as aexist thing to be told you have to wear such a thing.

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I have a female cat that hasn't been spayed. She rolls around a lot and cries when she's in heat. Is she in pain and/or suffering? It looks like she is. I haven't taken her to get fixed because she is severely traumatized and I don't want to put her through that. She's and indoor cat.

No, she shouldn't be in pain. I will put a link to an article on female cats in heat. Everything you need to know is there. The vocalizing is normal and rubbing everywhere, including you and the carpet to leave her scent is normal. Cats find each other for mating by scent and I have seen males show up outside even if the female was only indoors. You have to be careful because her instinct will be to find a male cat and she will try her best to escape and go outdoors. Just the one time with a male will do it, and she will get pregnant as the article mentions ovulation is signaled by the act of having sex so its a for sure thing. The worst is that the cycle can repeat every 2-3 weeks. That makes having an unspayed female a real bother to deal with for many people. Here's the article:
https://cattime.com/cat-facts/25353-cat-in-heat-signs-symptoms-what-to-do-if-your-cat-is-in-heat

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To make a long story short, I come from a low income family that could barely provide for me. I'm 24 and engaged to my fiance who's 28. He comes from a wealthy family and is supporting 80% of our current bills with no problem. We just moved into our first home together (renting) and it is close to the home of my dreams. It's more than I saw myself perhaps ever living in.

However, my fiance is very arrogant and has a giant ego. He wants to get his way and can be aggressive about it. He never cusses at me or hurts me, but he does yell and threaten to break up with me if he doesn't get his way. For example, we were furniture shopping for the new home and it wound up turning into an argument because we could not compromise. He said every item in the home should be to his liking. I disagreed and said it should be half and half and he needed to be okay with me having things that I like even if he doesn't since I'm okay with buying things only he likes. Well I lost my temper and yelled at him first after his rebuttal, cussed at him, took my ring off, and locked him out of our bedroom. The argument went on all day and he threatened to leave me and kick me out. We wound up eventually talking it out and he put the ring back on my finger before he went to sleep and said he would take me on a day vacation later this week.

Now that he's been asleep for a few hours, I've had time to think over what happened today. This might sound sad or greedy, but I honestly cannot afford to lose him. I looked at studio apartments and I can't even afford those on my own income. I already work 50 hours a week and can't work more because I'm also a FT student. I need to graduate so I can eventually earn more money and maybe be able to support myself. My parents cannot afford to take me in especially since I would have to quit my job to move home. I also need to maintain this relationship not only for me, but for my family in case they need to move in with us (we have plenty of extra rooms and space).

He's not the worst guy ever. He says he loves me and of course I love him too. I do a lot for him to make up for not being very financially supportive. I try to make his life outside of work as easy as possible. He's never abused me. It's just hard when he's yelling at me or telling me I can't have things. I grew up my whole life being told I can't have things so this is a big trigger for me. However, I need to get over this and face that if I want to continue living like I am, I need to just let him have the things he's solid on. Even my mom says I have the dream life right now, working, going to college, and living in a big home with a "rich" fiance. I feel so stupid when I think about how I've compromised this in the past. I need to learn to be more submissive because without him I would have nothing and I'm truly blessed to have him in my life.

How can I learn to be this way?

When a couple is married, no matter what each earns, how rich or poor, it belongs to both, no matter who contribute the most. So even if you never earned a penny while married to him, if you were to divorce, though it varies on the amount of time married state to state and other factors, you could be receiving some kind of alimony, so you'd have to check. The reason I put this first is because it takes a while for a not so great situation to wear on you.

This may be your first serious relationship and like me, you are the lower income. I know what it is like to be in a situation where I had to put up with not being treated nice at all just to have a roof over my head and food to eat. So I spent 30 years with a man who was verbally abusive. Before marriage, I had no idea when he told me where I would go with him, what place I would eat at and what I should order, etc, that he was making decisions for me. He never abused me physically except some pushing at the end of our marriage. However, I suffered what one calls 'emotional abuse'. I didn't see it that way when I was younger so I can't fault you for not seeing it either. I will add in a list I added to from a man on line who gives advice in videos to women so they can understand some basics that ALL men should have. This one is about discovering if he loves you or not or how much. As I said, I will put it at the end.
You want to change yourself to be right for him. I did the same thing. It doesn't work. It might be a short while, as it did for me but hubby was not satisfied for long with any one thing no matter what I did. So when he complained of how I set up the kitchen, how the cupboards were organized, just to have peace and no name called or yelling, I was willing to do whatever he said, pretty much what you are going through. I changed things around and was excited to see if he liked it. He did not and called me all sorts of vile things, like stupid, a useless adult, an imbecile, very disappointing. I took it and even apologized, this again to attempt to keep peace. Promised to redo it. Did he like what I redid again? NO. So then I made a diagram of all the cupboards and asked him to write down for me, where he wanted things to go and said I'd follow it explicitly. I guess he forgot about his list. Even after I followed his written instructions completely, he looked at the cupboards and started yelling at me, calling me hopeless and was he going to have to do it himself cus I was so incapable? I showed him the note with his instructions and told him he couldn't blame me this time, that this is how he wanted it so if he doesn't like it, he can blame himself. But oh no, no matter how unreasonable he was, he still was not satisfied, so I began to let things go in the house. Why work so hard only to have him be critical and yell? We had 3 girls who got to observe how he treated me. There were occasions when they were teens when he would be totally unreasonable, not listen to them, argue with them like he was their age, but mostly, be totally unreasonable. He did that once in front of a couple we knew where the guy used to be a counselor and he talked to the husband that he has observed many things, that are not right in his behavior and suggested he see a counselor. He did go but I overheard him telling a friend, he was going only to fool me. He still didn't think there was anything wrong with him, only me and so he was not going to apply himself at all and get better when he doesnt need to. That's arrogance and actually knowing deep down that something is not right but if you ignore it, and deny it, no one will know the difference. SO people like this will deflect and blame the other person. Its a common manuever that psychologists see in people like my ex and your fiancee.

I had a lesson to learn in life. I am a believer in God and prayed. One day, I finally heard clearly from God about the verse that says to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Then He explained that I was doing the same as many did, see the word 'neighbor' before the word 'self'
and automatically think I had to love my neighbor, or any human before I loved myself. God said that is wrong. I was told to picture a garden hose with a leak in it, a kink in the hose and something blocking it at some point. Now try to see love as a liquid trying to travel down that hose to shower whomever with love, like your neighbor, spouse, etc. You know its not going to happen. You have to think of loving yourself first I was told. Until you love yourself fully, you won't be able to love others and them wanting to receive your love and to give it back. My response was, "I love myself" And God said, Yes, you do to a certain percent, but not 100%. The reason why is that you have made the choice to subject yourself to being ruled and controlled by your husband and treated badly. In that one part, you have failed to love yourself fully. I answered, but I can't leave him and divorce, the church says You are against divorce. To which God said, If you remember your wedding vows, a serious promise made to each other, you have held up your half but he has broken almost all of his promises in the vow, so that renders his vows broken and null and void. So you no longer need to honor them. So you do have a choice, to stay but you will die some time down the road from the stress, or you can leave and live a happier life. When it hit me that the stress of living with an unreasonable man who couldn't be satisfied and didn't even really love me, would kill me in the future, I believed it because the stress has to go somewhere. I'll bet you are feeling some of it already with feeling you have to stuff your responses and just let your guy have his way. Stress goes either to your mind, affecting you mentally or emotionally, or it will manifest in physical ailments that are caused by stress. I had them. Headaches almost every day, migraines about 4 times a year, stomach ulcers, over all body rash that was itchy as well. Cancer and heart attack runs in my family and stress does contribute to causing those too. So I wasn't going to take any chances, as I wanted to see my daughters married and become a grandma. The reason I tell my story is because it aligns with your situation quite a bit. Although my ex wasn't from a rich family and we were just middle class, he did earn most the money in the household and when we had kids, he said I couldn't stay home with them, because he needed my little bit of money to help with the budget and bills. He on many occasions showed he cared more about money than actually me. Oh yes, He said he loved me too, just like your guy, but words are cheap. Words don't prove anything without any action behind them. I could say to someone that I am a Christian but if my actions did not prove that and went against it, then my saying I am one does not support the statement. Same with professing love. If the actions of the person don't support their profession of love for you, then their words are meaningless and are not true. Having been through enough of this stuff in my past, I can see in what you wrote that he may love some aspects about you but he most certainly is not in love with you or he would treat you better. Keep in mind if you ever have kids, even in a divorce, you'd still have to deal with him. Also, you don't want your kids damaged but being reared by such a man. All my kids exhibit their own issues with marriage due to what they witnessed between their Dad and I. I wish I had left him earlier for that one reason. I don't think you are ready to do that yet either. You will marry him and be miserable the entire time. Resentment will slowly build and make it even harder to keep going day to day, letting him have his way, and pasting on a fake smile. I can see in looking back that I wasn't happy by looking at my photos, I looked harried, worn out and unhappy, even though smiling for the camera. I first left to go stay with friends out of state when my kids were out of the home. I away from the husband a year when I came back and all my kids told me I looked so happy and looked healthier, I looked so different compared to how I looked when I was living with their Dad. They could see that difference. Just saying, this will happen to you too. I understand you are being forced into a bad decision, going through with marriage to a rich man to ensure your financial needs are taken care of. This is NOt an answer to prayer, this is a test for you as it was for me. I know you aren't ready to make what feels like the right choice, to drop him, and lose for now the financial security, but loving yourself enough to not compromise how you are treated, giving up what should be an equal partnership which money does not affect. I mean equal in both having a say on decisions, on picking out furnishings, etc. His money does not change the fact that he is acting like a spoiled child who is bored and can't be made happy, no matter how often he gets his way and yet he still insists on it. Not saying all rich people are spoiled. Money is not the root of evil, only the love of money, is the root of evil, when money is a factor in almost all decisions, and a person is not willing to share what they have with anyone else, not even a spouse, then they are going down the wrong road. You cannot change him. Outside influences rarely do. Change must come from the inside, as he needs to see he is the one with issues and he has to want to change for the better, remember, not by saying it but showing it in his actions. For example, my ex has had half a dozen relationship since our divorce and every single women has left him for the same reasons I did. Why? Because he has not changed and still believes there is nothing wrong with him. A married daughter and her family are now living in his house with him and can testify to that. I suggest you copy and save what I have written and save in a document on your computer or phone to look over later in years to come when you have finally had enough of a relationship where you settled for less as far as love and how he treats you. Money does not buy happiness. It does make it so there's less stress about paying bills but that is it. Just think of all the celebrities with tons of money who are living unhappy miserable lives. Some get into drugs, drinking, become demanding and start to lose acting contracts because of how they act. Nope, money will not buy you happiness. Now remember, I said no stress about how to pay the bills, but you will still have stress because of how he treats you. So you will not be able to avoid some kind of stress. The financial stress though has potential to change, maybe meeting a man who isn't rich but well enough off that you would not struggle financially and who also would treat you like a queen, compromises, is trust worthy, never raises his voice but compliments and supports your ideas and talents, is willing to share everything equally, not just money, but household tasks and so on. My second husband is like that. He will cook, clean and work. We are low income, but if he can earn enough to just cover our bills, he prefers for me to not have to work. On that test I mentioned earlier which is called, Does he love me? My husband aces every point on it. He truly loves me. here it is for you to look at.

DOES HE LOVE ME?

Why some relationships aren't working in a nut shell:
Some women give their love and devotion to a guy who doesn't deserve it, who is wrong for her
while others no matter how plain and simple the signs are of his love and devotion, they don't see it or trust it because of lack of self confidence.

1 A woman's insecurity and neediness will kill a man's love
Do you love me, do you love me? No matter what he says or does, she never believes him, even if he's never done anything to earn her distrust.
2 It's impossible to love others and be loved by others unless you love yourself first.
Don't look to a man for all your self esteem and self worth. Have it already before relationship..
3. Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women tranlate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you, your needs and wishes a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

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I'm struggling, last year i failed a class because i was too overwhelmed, i worked nights, i was breastfeeding, pumping and going to school full time.. my husband dropped the ball when he failed his test for work and got super depressed about it. I feel bad that he was depressed about it, but I too was also going through something. I need to get schooling done. Now that I have a second chance, I dropped down hours at work, I'm not with my family as much and study when I can. My husband still manages to not understand what I'm doing. I guess I shouldnt study at home, but sometimes it's what I have to do. what do I do? how do I make him realize that watching the baby is something he will have to really do when I'm trying to study. I cannot study at night.

There are no easy answers. If you two decided to have a baby by choice, you didn't think this one out enough in detail. If it was unexpected, then you realize now that having a baby changes everything for a husband and wife. It pretty much takes over your life for the next 18 years and its harder when they are little and can't do anything for themselves yet. You won't like what I have to say because until you finish school, you are not going to have a semblance of a more normal easier life. The wishes you had, now pretty much need to go on hold until the child is in school. That is what I meant you wouldn't like to hear. There is no way I know of to make this easier. Here's how I look at it. You can't return the baby and make it as if it never was. Since that option is out, the only things that can change are either quitting your job and doing only school or quitting school and only working for now. I am sure that the budget is tight or you wouldn't be working your way through school. So My guess is that right now, anything you could earn would be better than adding in school. I haven't mentioned breast feeding and pumping milk as that falls into the 'having a baby to take care of part'. By the way, kudo's to you on choosing breast feeding vs formula. Its better for baby. I can only recommend that you and your husband talk this out. No pointing blame. You both were a part of making baby which is the complication. Just school and a job is a hard enough juggle and ask any parent, there is no room for having a baby at this time. Since you already have the baby, you both need to make some hard choices. The choices are definitely not going to be your first or second choices for what you wanted right now in life but as the saying goes, "That boat has already sailed." You can only make some changes that both of you are in agreement with. For you, you need to think deep and hard about the husband. After a talk discussing the lack of options and what changes you both mutually decide on, if he is still dragging his feet and not having any compassion for you in this situation (cus its not only him) then you might want to seriously think about going to marriage counseling. Any counseling would be good to help you decide but if you have a partner unwilling to help, do their part, you may have a bigger problem. He may not love you as much as you think he does. My first marriage was like that. He certainly didn't love me the way a husband should love his wife. In some situations, it can be fixed, and in others, it can not. So counseling can help you know if there is something the two of you can do to love each other more or whether what you thought was love, was more of a strong liking or more like a love of a type of food to eat and that kind of love won't get you through this difficult time. I am not spouting off stuff that I do not know about. In my second marriage, I finally have a man who understands me well and I him. We love each other so deeply that we are concerned when one isn't doing well due to stress or sickness, or such and helping each other out becomes our top most concern. I am past baby and child rearing stage and we are older but it is critical for the two to work as a unit, not as two married people, carrying on as singles, making decisions only for themselves. Any decisions he makes alone or you make alone, will affect each other simply because you are married. Don't ignore the health of your marriage, because this situation and attempting to go it alone without helping each other or one choosing to not help the other, will only cause resentments eventually, if not already. After a while, these resentments will kill any love you once had and the marriage is over and now theres a child.

In case the worst happens and he can't handle the stress and leaves you and the baby or you both break up, do not worry about the child not having birth Mom and Dad happily together. I can tell you that the effects of children growing up with a parent who mistreats the other or friends who simply didn't get along and fought with their partners all the time, this will have very bad effects on children. I now have to live with seeing how my adult children were affected by my staying with their Dad instead of divorcing. I also know many people who do fight and have bad marriages, Their children would rather have each parent happily remarried to someone else and visit both rather than put up with two parents who don't love each other. A man who worked with my husband has such a marriage and a 10 yr old who is begging him to divorce because she hates that there is no love in the house. It doesn't work to give the child a kiss and hug and then turn right around and yell or throw things at your spouse. I am trying to think of everything you need to know because you are now on a different path than the one you started on. There's no going back. You can start with talking to your school counselor but I seriously hope that you both go as a couple for counseling regarding at least your situation. Have a professional pretty much tell you the same I have if you don't think I am understanding and right. I don't know at what point you are with the schooling, but if your'e close to the beginning, you may have to let your dream of being a nurse go. If you have to stop school but like the idea of working with people who are elderly or sickly and need help, you can always do something like care taking of people through an agency. If you have your own car, you can take them grocery shopping or to Dr. appts. and what little nursing study you've done will only be a benefit. There are classes to train you to do things like transferring a person from a wheelchair to their bed, etc. I used to do this, that's how I know. Then there are clients who need someone who has taken training thru the agency and has the know how to change catheters and such. I did not. I was once asked to stay overnight for a client who was bedridden due to a bad accident. I could sleep there as long as I could hear her if she woke at night needing covered taken down or put up or a drink of water. This is only one option of something you could do to earn money and though not what you originally wanted, it is still helping people and takes some very basic skills. Or if you decide you have to change your career choice to going to a trade school, that would take way less time and you could wait until baby is no longer breast feeding, maybe a year old or so, and then get a good daycare, or a relative you pay to do so and go to the trade school. MIke Rowe of Dirty Jobs and other shows, has a facebook show and also stresses training for trade schools. Things like that are being overlooked in favor of what many think are the better paying jobs like Dr. or Lawyer. One of my daughters and my husbands daughter, both never got a job in the field they studied for when they finished school. Its been about 5 yrs and his daughter finally after daycare jobs, tattoo parlor and other odd jobs, finally found a job with the training she had. My daughter was told there were plenty of jobs in the medical field, even as an assistant. Only a handful of her graduating class found jobs. The truth is, the market is flooded for those high degree jobs and yet colleges talk you into getting into debt. I hear all the time of people not able to pay off school loans or living like paupers until their late thirties or in their forties until they are done paying it off. So you may seriously want to reconsider what you are going after. So either you or your husband may want to consider retraining for the kinds of things mentioned at mikeroweworks. Here is the link to read up about it. https://www.mikeroweworks.org

I am trying to think of every possibility to cover for you, info that would help you both in deciding what changes you need to make. Obviously, it can't work the way you both wished for anymore. The baby changes everything.

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I know you guys aren’t psychiatrists so you can’t diagnose me but I’m just tired of fear controlling my life. I’m 20 years old and I have undiagnosed anxiety. Anyways whenever I go out I’m always on guard, watching my surroundings, if there’s a parked car while I’m walking I get instant fear of getting kidnapped, if I’m on the bus at night and it’s only myself and a guy, if he doesn’t get off the bus before me or if he gets off the same stop as me and walks behind me I start speed walking and usually call someone on the phone quick. I don’t really trust anyone because I feel like people will spread my secrets. I also think people are using me (I’m usually right though people take advantage of my niceness) and I also think people try to one-up me (I’m usually right about that too), sometimes I think people are trying to sabotage me as well so I’m suspicious of peoples intentions, or I think people judge me, I hold grudges a lot for example I was telling my siblings that I hate my voice because these boys in the 6th grade made fun of it and my siblings looked at me like I was crazy. I also don’t feel safe at home I always think someone is going to break in especially at night or when I’m home alone. The reason why I feel like this is because the crime rates in my city have gone up, human trafficking is a big problem in my city as well, when I was in the 6th grade a strange man did try to kidnap me by calling me over to get in his car and when I said no he decided to get out of his car and approach me, while I was playing outside luckily my neighbours mom was outside. Also someone has actually tried to break into my house before. Also my mom always requires me to call her every second to know where I am, I’m not allowed to be out passed 12am. So with all these events happening and my mom putting constant worry in me. I feel like fear is controlling my life any advice?

In your case, you sound more like a product of your environment, past situations and your Mom being over protective because of those incidents and your neighborhood. At twenty, you are an adult as mentioned and so Mom can't run your life. I assume you live with the parents due to financial reasons.

If the neighborhood is part of the problem, think of any relative you have who lives somewhere else, in a better part of town or even in a totally different city or state. That would be the easiest out, to go live with them while working and perhaps going to the local college. If this isn't a possibility, You may have to do some research. Perhaps join some clubs in safer areas and begin to make friends in safer areas and move out to rent together with new friends in a better place.

Since you live in a high crime area, it is good to have enough of a sense of caution and taking precaution, not making any stupid decisions. However, you are victim to your own thoughts and all of them are of the nature of fortune telling or predicting your near future in the worst possible happenings. So though I can understand why you feel as you do, it doesn't sound like you have mental illness that actual runs in the family that you may have inherited. But that is for a professional to check out.

I seriously also think you need to see someone to get to a point where you do not allow your thoughts to continue to be what a psychologist would call 'distorted thinking'. The distortions of your thoughts are what cause you to overact and carry around a tremendous amount of fear.

This kind of fear will only hinder you from ever making friends or even meeting a nice guy to get into a relationship with because you will always be thinking the worst of him and that will eventually kill any budding relationship.

There are apps where you can have a chosen friend or family member able to track where ever you are whenever they want to check if you give them permission. My daughter has that ability to check on me since I am getting older and she has a concern for my welfare. This is of course the reverse, with the child concerned for the parent. If that would give Mom peace of mind, you might check if anyone knows how to set it up on both your phones. If I am correct, I think it's called "Find my Friend" or it may go by other names depending on the cell phone you have.

Here is the parts I feel are normal as I do the same, since the area I live in has a high concentration of street people on drugs, or homeless and it would be hard to know if a thug were hiding among these types. So if I am walking to my car at night, first off, it has to be well lit. When I walk, I walk with confidence, and always looking around me. Women who stare at the ground and don't tend to look around the area they are walking in, are more likely to get picked on. I learned this in a womens safety class taught at an old place of employment. And yes, I will pull out my phone and pretend to be on it so I am less likely to be attacked if the person knows someone could hear what is happening to you. That is as safe as having a companion with you.
If I know that the person behind me is a male and they are not walking faster to walk past me, it may be nothing. I am not scared at the time I do it, I only do what I do to be careful. I will stop walking so either the person has to stop or they walk on. When I stop, I will pretend to look for something in my purse or do the cell phone thing. I will look at the person as they walk by and then
continue after they have passed. No need to start walking faster. What you may also benefit from is taking a martial arts class and or a safety class done by the local police. You can call the local number, not 911, and ask if they have a self defense, safety class they can refer you to. You will learn lots of good things.
Besides all that, I still say you need help from a mental health specialist, to lean more toward having what could be called a healthy precaution in your thoughts rather than an unhealthy, out of control fear that has taken over your life, yes, even living in a high crime area. When looking for a psychologist, I recommend one who is trained in CBT which stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Dr.s with that training will have it in their ads and listing. The reason this is important is that they will look first for ways to work on your thoughts so that your thoughts no longer control your behavior, causing you to act in ways that are of imagined things, not actual things that have happened.
Here, I can explain best using myself in a scenerio. I live with my husband out of our van. Originally it was due to losing our new apt when he broke his leg and couldn't work construction. Now we do so out of choice. However, as I said, the crime in our area is mostly thefts of the homeless taking what they need or the drug addicts so desperate for a little money for their next hit, that they break into homes and steal items to sell for money or pawn. For some reason, they are not into breaking into cars as there are so many inhabited vehicles due to the amount of homeless people increasing. What we have encountered most is having druggies come up to our van to ask if we are selling drugs or assuming we have some and wanting to trick us and steal them. We are not stupid and will not open our doors or roll down windows if someone comes knocking on our driver window at night when we are sleeping. Its always a female asking for help. and her accomplice is hiding in back or way back on the other side if we look into the mirrors. They wait for us to open the door to talk and that's when the man will run up and force you to give up money or ask for drugs. We were once putting groceries in our van when a women walked up and asked if we were selling drugs! The police who are new in the area and haven't seen our van before with its specific stickers on the back windows and don't recognize us, will check out our van with their flashlights even when we are not in it. When I asked, they say that white vans are the most popularly used vehicle for drug sellers. As soon as they can see we are living out of it, they leave us alone. Do I live in fear of a drug addict casing out our van? So. But I know its a possibility considering we park near where we work and the gym membership where we exercise and shower. And this is the area where more homeless and druggies hang out. It is not a bad neighborhood otherwise and these problems are now in every neighborhood of my city, even what looks like nice well kept neighborhoods as I have learned from just talking to people. In my nice neighbor when I once owned a house, someone once smashed a two man sized rock through the back of my husbands vehicle while on another occasion someone threw a fire extinguisher through side window of a car of mine, and the earlier car I had was taken for a joy ride by teenagers and totaled. Crime is everywhere. So our precaution there is to double check we lock our cars and have insurance that will cover damages like this that might happen. This is normal stuff, same as getting a security system for your home. We did. eventually when he lost a job for a while and money was tight, we let the security monitoring go, by we still had the sign by the porch and on the front window that stated this home was covered by a security system and that worked as well to keep anyone from trying. We only got that after two neighbors had break ins while they were on vacation. I hope you see from my examples that its good to take precautions but not to live in total fear thinking that it will happen again to you sooner or later.

So going back over it all:
Take a self defense class recommended by the police, or perhaps a martial arts class.

Find a way to move on your own without parents, but friends or a relative into a safer area.

See a mental health person to work on your thoughts, someone with training in CBT.

I wish you the best dear.

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ok so i feel better today. but mili and tessa always work together and aim high and show off in front of me. they answer questions in class this is a miracle because she never does this. Milialways does though. I just find it weird although i know tessa wants to get higher because her friend is in the highest set. im trying to get along with this girl called anju. but im scared to ask her to help me with science revision. we've talked as a group but me and anju have never talked by ourselves. i want to ask anju,

When we are young, most people lack self confidence or call it having low self image. We think that it will be hard to impossible to get other people to want to talk with us, let alone work together on a project or become friends. We all want to be liked but there are so many different personality types out there and you can only be one. The type you are, is going to do best with certain people, not all personality types. It is nothing bad about you. If you can believe that, you will find it easier to ask people to work together or hang out together. Most people don't say no right off, not until they have a chance to get to know you. So for friendship, you won't be rejected unless a person already knows from observing you that they would not have fun hanging with you or you with them. so if I am correct, by your stating one wanting to be in a higher class, we are not talking about castes such as those born into richer families or poorer families but you are simply talking about the average students compared to those who are considered the popular ones. Wanting to be popular can happen with the average group which is the largest. That is what I went after in school. The popular kids are not always the best ones to want to be accepted by and part of their group. I know what it was like when I was a kid and from truth based movies of what kids in school have as challenges today, its all the same. The popular kids may be ones who are really smart, join lots of clubs, but they are not accepted into such a group for the best of reasons. The lazy kids and those who will play and get into mischief instead of actually study and do homework, will pretend to like the smart ones so they can beg them to do their homework for them. This is a way of using someone instead of being a real friend. Then there is the rich kid who has things long before the other kids, whether it's their own cell phone, or at driving age, are given their own car, etc. The popular kids are simply popular because of what they have or own rather than for their personality. Then there are the few who may be maturing a bit faster, or are the odd few who happen to look like todays media version of male or female models. do not confuse this with what is normal. Most models and celebrities do not look like you think they do. They have expert makeup jobs to hide things and look more like what is said to be handsome or beautiful today. Once upon a time, your grandparents likely were hearing about what was 'beautiful' in their day, and that was models who looked seriously anorexic. Yes, that was popular once, and one model was called Twiggy because of it. The old 'pin up' girls in posters back during the 1950s was when being big boned and really curvy was in. Lets go back further, ancient paintings show nudes of women who all were painted with small breasts and pudgy tummies rather than big breasts and flat stomachs of today. What people like or have been told over the centuries is the look to go after, is not possible to everyone because of thins like bone structure, and the genes of your parents. Eventually, as you get older, you will see people deciding for themselves what they like for a look for themself and what you are attracted to. One person may be attracted to brunettes but not blondes or red heads. Another is attracted to a person more for their personality, their sense of humor and how they laugh often and are funny. Looks are still important. You are attracted or not, whether talking about dating or just making friends. I don't know if your parents talk about this stuff but you could ask them sometimes to share stories about when they were in school, how they made friends, where they fit, as in average or popular kids.

Most of the stories I still hear today of popular kids share that many of the 'popular' are simply noticed more because they are more vocal or act out, get in trouble, find any way they can to attract attention to themselves and often it is due to having a bad family life. Examples, parents who get drunk or useless on drugs, lots of yelling and verbal abuse, totally ignore or have no time for the kids, kids who are beaten, parents who buy things to placate their kids instead of giving the love and attention, and the list goes on. You wouldn't really want to be them and live such awful lives.
I went to a HS reunion two yrs ago and it was an eye opener for me. All the kids there who had been popular in school from grade school through HS, only a couple were still like that, outgoing and friendly. All those I thought had really been the popular kids, were not acting like them. They were all quiet and didn't go up and talk to people, acting more shy and unsure of themselves, while i who had social anxiety back then, now I was the social butterfly, walking up to everyone in attendance for a while to talk to them. I didn't wait for people to approach me. Since getting over my anxiety, I can tell you that no matter what age a person gets to, most really friendly people will still not approach another person first to start conversation. I used to do this when new neighbors moved into my apartment building and later my neighborhood when I owned a house. I would go over with a plate of cookies or muffins and card to welcome them. Gave my phone number and told them to call me if they ever needed to borrow something or just wanted to chat. I was never rejected at the door, ever once. Most people are of a social personality type. Those who are quiet, want to be left alone or are mean and grumpy are very very few. Lets say its like 2 or 3 in every hundred people you meet. So the odds are high that Anju will react very happily and friendly and want to spend time with you,, or help you in class. Try to prove me wrong if you like. Make a list of every person who is not a friend but who you go up to an start talking to and see how many of those are nice. Then there will be those who are not only just nice but actually find they like your personality and become friends.

To start conversation, out of the blue with someone who doesn't know you yet, you make sure to be in front of them so they can see you talking or tap them on the shoulder to get their attention. I do this all the time. In line at the store for example was a woman with beautiful long hair in tiny ringlets. My niece used to have hair like that and I love how it looks so I tapped her on the shoulder and told her that I loved her hair and asked if it was her own. Most women with hair that looked like that, it was extentions put in, not their own. She said it was her own. I then told her my nieces hair used to look just like that until she began straightening it and ruined the health of her hair. SHe thanked me again for the compliment and that was all we said. I could have made a comment about something she was buying... like "Oh, I see you're getting "such and such", have you had them before?" If they say yes, I would say, they really taste good, don't they. If no, I would say, I am addicted to them, they taste so good. Hope you like them too.

The key is having something on common to start the conversation about. YOu are in the same class and probably working on the same assignments.

So you could say, "Hi Anju. I know I'm never really talked to you before but I was curious how you are doing on the current assignment. The reason I ask is that I need to revise mine and I am out of ideas on how. Would you mind looking at mine? Later you can thank her and ask if she'd like to sit with you at lunch or ask if she'd like to trade phone numbers. Then make sure that you are not always asking for help but just talking about other stuff too.

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Hi, I haven't tried this site yet, so I hope it works.

I'm a 11-year old girl in middle school, and I need advice. For 2 days now, My crush has promised to actually listen to my origins for Mantodea, the comic we're creating, but he had ditched me and left as soon as I turn my back. What should I do? Every time I ask him to study with him or talk with him, he promises to come talk or help with homework, but he never shows up. Should I give him a few more chances, or should I give up on this stupid comic and crush? Please reply soon, I really need to know what to do.

I will start at the beginning with what you wrote. If you are saying you have a project for a class where you need to work together with a partner to get credit, then your teacher needs to know he is not cooperating as this will affect your grade. The reason I assume so is that you used 'we're creating' which would mean more than one person, who would be yourself. You also said comic. A comic is a person who is funny or does comedy. So it may be that you meant a comedy, I don't know. If a comedy, this may be an acting class. If a character in a short story, a comedian, this may be for a language arts class. If it is not for either and you are simply trying to create a story as a way to catch his interest, that way is not working, at least not with him.
In case you don't know, the Word Mantodea is one of the words for an insect called the Mantis or Praying Mantis.

I can tell you something about males. If they are interested in a girl, they will look for any excuse, even a flimsy one to have a reason to be near her and spend time with her. This includes all ages, from puberty and before until they get old and die. Men are like that, boys too. He may think you are okay for a classmate or friend but not be interested in you as more than a friend. I can't know this at all. But even as friends, a guy has to find there are things you both have in common. This is not a boy-girl thing but the way it goes when it comes to friendship and that is the best place to start with a guy. The reason you are not a friend with every girl in school is because you naturally get along better with some compared to others due to your personalities having some similarities. Its the same with guys.

Now the unfair part. No matter what age, even grown ups, one person can be interested in someone as more than a friend and the other doesn't feel that kind of chemistry at all. I can't say why this is, as the actual reason for two people to initially feel drawn to each other is a subconscious level reaction to having similar pheromones or its easier to say, the thing that causes attraction after the attraction of just the pretty or handsome looks. If the pheromones are similar or the same, two people will be attracted to each other and want to spend time together.

Males do not spend time with or when young and immature, will say one thing, making promises as your crush has but not carry through on it. There is a good reason. Males are afraid that if they do spend any time with a girl they are not attracted to at all, whether personality, looks or both, that time spent with such a girl will only encourage her that he feels the same for her and this would create even more 'unwanted' attention from her. So even though it may seem mean, due to just starting out in boy girl friendships and dating, they have no experiences on how to handle this better and will simply not show up or seek the girl out. This isn't happening just because he is young but this sort of thing happens to adults of any age, even myself after a divorce when I was dating again. There were men attracted to me, where I had no such attraction to them, or the other way around, me attracted to a guy who did not feel the same way about me. So start learning now to cross such people off your list of hopefuls to be close friends or a couple with as it is not going to happen and its not your fault. There is no such thing as a girl being too boring or too unattractive. This however is something we all believe when we were your age. Boys also do not decide to figure out what type of girl they really are attracted to for a forever friend, for a girl to date exclusively, or marry and have kids with someday until they are older. Some figure it out in their twenties and others don't until they enter their thirties. So any dating and interest while still in school, is more for fun than serious as girls tend to think.
Obviously You see now that this guy does not have the same interest in you that you have in him. Keep in mind for all the school years in your future that dating a guy or being friends with one, is a way to practice all this stuff and learn more about the opposite sex, how to understand how they think and what motivates them, etc. Don't take any guys interest at this stage as so serious that he is the one you will marry some day. Guys are more interested in experiencing kissing and sex than actual practicing on the friendship part of a relationship. Even dating couples, and those together for life, married couples, they do best if they are best friends and also have the romantic shared interest in each other. Having one or the other only, does not work. If you ever come up with new questions about dating or interest in guys or how to understand some basics about them, just look me up under columnists, dragonflymagic and write to me from my column.

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my friend mili is ditching me and tessa thinks she number 1 she hates me

You mentioned what you think the issue is but did not ask a question. So I can only guess you want to know what to do about the situation. I remember when I was in school, and whether grade school, middle or HS, kids have through history always had the same kinds of issues as you have mentioned. When the body is maturing into adulthood, the front part of the brain is lagging behind in humans and won't be mature and capable of making good choices and having better relationship with people, among many other things we can't do well until that part of the brain is done growing by our mid twenties. That is the biggest reason for kids being cruel and not caring how another person may feel. Later as Adults they may be very kind, nice people.
So what can you do until then? You say Mili is not spending time with you since meeting tessa who does not like you at all. I have had people not like me who have never really talked to me or met me, only observed me from afar and from what they see, I am not their kind of personality type and so they automatically don't like me. Adults meet people they don't like either but we don't say so to their face or steal friends. You will always see this in life, people who don't get along or can't be friends because they are so vastly different in personality. So don't think you are the problem. Mili is excited over a new friend now and not thinking of how you feel. In time, Mili may find she is ready to juggle both of you as friends. the issue is that she may do well with both you and Tessa so she can meet with either of you but not both at the same time. You will need to make a new friend or two to have people to hang with while Mili is around Tessa. If she is friendly toward you later, after the newness of being Tessa's new friend wears off, then you would have to call her and plan times that just she and you hang out together. the best plan for that is weekends and inviting her to your house. You will need to let her know at this time in the future that Tessa doesnt like you at all and the best thing is to say, you are okay with her spending time with Tessa but you can't join in and be a group of three. She has to see either of you separately. If for some reason, she changes her mind about you, and does what many young people do, trying to impress a new friend, no matter if that person is a good person or a kid who gets in trouble, they will do what ever they think will make them liked by that person, even if it means verbally rejecting you for Tessa to see. This is of course bad judgement and as I said, something that happens when the brain is not yet mature. I highly doubt that you and her are over 25. Yes, a handful of teens out of most will mature faster mentally and treat you well but you have to really hunt for these people. I did and had really only 3 close friends in HS, people I could spend time with away from school. You may have to wait longer than you want for Mili to come around and want to be with you again. It may not be this year. But don't write her off. If and when she ever comes around, be willing to forgive her and pick up the friendship where you left off when she matures and comes to her senses. I know it feels like a big terrible thing now.

However I'd like to share about a HS reunion I went to 2 yrs ago. One gal came up to me and started apologizing for not making an effort in school to befriend me. Both she and I had social anxiety so neither of us was very capable of doing that. In fact, I did not even remember her from school. That is how unimportant you will find this all to be later in life when you are long out of school.

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I do not know whether this sonnet is iambic pentameter or not.
Dear sister, you’re a guardian angel.
You are very, intelligent, and wise,
you, sister, you’re very substantial
you have raised me up to the pleasant skies

If I could have one wish, it would be to
help always like you’ve done to me
so from now on we always stick like glue
So then all we’ll do is just simply glee.

Through my ups and downs, right by me, you stood,
and you gave me your hand, so do not fear
I’ll always help you whenever I could
I beat and pinch but YOU? I’ll Always cheer!

My appreciation has no bad end.
You’ll always be my sister and my friend.


This is something I didn't get while in HS but I loved doing rhyming poems. However the internet is a good source of examples so I found this one site which should help.

https://study.com/academy/lesson/iambic-pentameter-definition-examples-quiz.html

They should a work of Shakespeare.
When I look at it and break it down as shown in the first sentence, it looks like there is an even count of syllables to the entire line rather than and odd number.

I may be wrong but it sure looks like that is how it works. If so, then taking a line of yours would go like this:

Dear sis --- ter you're --- a guar ---di an --- an gel

The definition itself is quite hard to understand if you learn more by watching something done rather than to read instructions and that is how i learn. So if you count how many of these two beats you have in a line, it should be five as you have in the example I wrote out.

I will do it again with another line so you can see and thus double check all your lines.

(My ap) 1st one, (pre ci) 2nd one, (a tion) 3rd one, (has no) 4th one, (bad end)5th one.

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i have a lot of midterms and exams coming up and i can’t function well or manage my time and put out tasks (as usual) and i don’t think my friends want to be bothered by that they’re all too busy for this so i need help to organize my time and set out tasks and get them done because otherwise i’ll be very not okay and this is my last semester and i need to graduate:) with a good gpa

This is something you will have to bring up with your teachers and perhaps the school counselor so they can give you ideas of what to try and what might be available as help with prioritizing and organizing and of course where to turn for help on dealing with stress. You are right that fellow students already have as much as they can handle just doing their own stuff and its been too long since parents have been in school and current day school may not be something they can even relate to. I know it changed a lot when my kids were in school like for example, senior projects. That didn't exist when I went to HS. Once you have gotten some input from the school, your parents need to be aware of what to do to help keep you on track. If you tend to fall apart under pressure and time limits no matter what the challenge is, not just school, then you may want to see some professional counselor for help with that because the ability to handle stress to some extent is going to be needed in your adult life for a job, commuting, being able to juggle bills and pay on time, etc. so this is an issue that you may have to deal with even after graduating. While you are still a student under your parents insurance, even college age, you will qualify for counseling and or medical help, but only before you graduate so you may want to speak to the parents and perhaps and info gathering meeting of you, the parents with school counselor may be best. I remember even back in middle school having a meeting for one child with their teachers who spelled out what was lacking. Some of it was stress, not being organized and also part laziness and it was helpful for us as parents to know what the full deal was and how to encourage and help our kid stay on track. In case you wonder, it was just a phase at that age and she went on to do great in HS and college. Don't leave the parents out but they will need some constructive advice from school authorities as to how to help you.

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I'm an Artist, well that's what they say i paint, illustrate, make collages, create and everything .. Well that was before, not doing that anymore , lacking of motivation and working at some boring tourism company,sick of this country and trying everything to go out of it. I don't want to do anything except for sleeping and watch a movie or something, i feel like i don't fit in not like i want that,it just really hard sometimes, i just wanna be home alone.
I'm almost 30 now and a year ago i began dating this guy whose 5 years younger than me, it started really good i saw myself changed a little bit, then again the same feelings and decided to break up, he didn't agree he talked and talked and somehow he convinced me to give it one more try so i accepted it, again it was good even better but after some time i got in the same position, wanting to be alone not wanting seeing him but i continued anyway because he wasn't bad at all, he cares about me like no one did ..
Now it's been a year and 3 month, i couldn't take it any longer so i broke up AGAIN... and he just said ok and after 3 days he sends me this touching message that whatever my condition is i need to get out of it i should try new things ,that he can't lie that he's miserable now but if i'm happy like this then it's better for both of us if we stayed apart..he just trying to look strong, but he's not we have mutual friends my best friend who actually works with him in the same company they all saying how miserable he become and doing alot of mistakes at work, not concentrating ,bla bla
My best friend sits with him like hours talk and talk ,she suggested that he could really help me getting out of from my situation, and now he sends me a msg wanting to see me, ofcourse i will ...
Now i miss him i got jealous from the girls im not saying i dont love him,just my situation makes everything harder ..and makes me think is it because of my situation or i just don't love him ..

I agree on it sounding like you have major depression. Basically the lack of want and motivation to do anything is a sign of depression. Sounds like it is affecting what you do for a career, nothing sounds interesting, not even food, hobbies, visiting people or even being in a relationship. Please see a doctor asap to get your life back on track. This guy sounds pretty cool, that he is willing to work with you as you work through whatever is plaguing you. You won't know that a relationship with him or anyone else could work until you are getting treatment for whatever a mental health professional finds is going on for you. good luck!

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I’m from Kazakhstan. Hello to all. I'll start with the fact that I'm too trusting and kind. and this is my problem. Many will say that this is such a good thing, but the main problem is that I can’t say “no” to anyone. If they say that they have a problem, I will immediately help them. if they say that they have not done their homework, then I will give them everything I did myself. but today was the last straw for me, my friend wrote off from me and told the teacher that he did it himself. help, how to learn to refuse people???

Solid advice told you everything I would have said. I would like to say that being kind and wanting to help others is not a weakness. However, here is a way to look at it, if a person is asking for help, it is best to protect yourself and say no. If someone has not done their homework, you suggest they ask the teacher for more time to complete if they have a valid excuse. If they say they simply have a problem with one question, they aren't going to learn by being provided an answer. If you do either thing, you are not helping them.

The way it works is the teacher reads the answers to homework and tests to see if anyone is having trouble consistently. That alerts the teacher to spend extra time explaining the things a student does not understand. If the student is being lazy, that too needs to be known and a teacher won't know if you do whatever anyone asks you to help with. Now that you know a second reason you shouldn't do something like this just because a person asks, remember and next time say NO.

I will add in a warning. There are bad people in the world just looking for someone too trusting so they can take advantage of you, in many cases it is to rape and kill. The men doing this have to get more creative so they try to think of a way to get a woman to not stop at look at the situation as odd, just react because the man has asked something like, "I found a dog running loose in this parking lot. It's in my car, can you help me with finding its owner. Women tend to be drawn to anything like babies and cute little animals and their natural nurturing instinct kicks in and they walk with the guy to his car where there is no dog and he hauls them off in his car. There were reports of this being done. A twist on it would be , I saw a kid trapped in a hot car and I have nothing to break the window, do you think you can help me. For any situations like this, you have to think ahead, maybe he does need help or a kid is locked into a hot car. In this case, you say no, I can;t help. Run to the nearest establishment without getting any closer to him and note which aisle of cars, then call for police. You can point out to them when they arrive which aisle this man was hanging out in. they will check all the cars and if there is no child stuck in a car, they will question the man who may be trying to lure trusting women close to his car so he can take off with them. So with my latest example, I hope that you also see that being too trusting and not thinking of calling in authorities for example, can also be a death sentence for you if not just a rape if you are female.

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University is such a competitive environment people will help you but at the same day they’ll always try to one up you. I told my friend that I was planning to do a certificate to add to my major so it’ll be easier to find a job. We’re in the same program now all of a sudden she wants to do the certificate. I told her after I graduate I wanted to do a different program and all of a sudden she’s doing that program as well. I have another friend I told her how I joined a couple of school clubs related to my program now all of a sudden she wants to join the club too cause it’ll look good on her resume. Why can’t people do their own thing? It’s starting to get on my nerves what would you do in my situation

Honey, it's not that they are intentionally copying you. You are smarter, more intelligent than them and able to look to the future. Part of the ability to plan ahead and think of consequences good or bad, is done by the pre frontal cortex of the brain. While our bodies mature quickly, this part of the brain is the last thing to mature to adult status. Scientists have said in general it is mature by mid twenties. This is most people. there are a few who are much more mature in thinking and planning way before 25 and others who don't get there until closer to 30.

So your friends, while unable to think of these ideas literally on their own, are able to recognize the good idea's when you mention it and want to do the same, understanding now how helpful it is. Perhaps they have already heard some of this stuff from staff at the univ. but they didnt really pay attention. Or perhaps they thought this was just bull that the staff told the students, and didn't take it seriously until someone else they knew took it seriously and began to implement it. So this is rather a compliment, not some habitual copying of what you are doing. So far, all you shared is school related. You did not say that they changed their hair, makeup, nails, clothes to be the same as yours, or start sharing that their favorite foods, color, hobbies, etc are whatever yours are.
There is such a thing as people who grew up in okay but dysfunctional homes as far as parents challenging a child to seek their own hobbies, something they like or have an affinity for. They don't recieve any compliments for anything they did well, they may not have be given any chance to ask for anything, not having a voice of their own. So many teens after HS have no idea how to make decisions for themselves because the parents are still doing it and will continue to do so out of habit unless the child speaks up. I have heard from people in their late twenties and early thirties who have this problem. Get to really know these people well, better than you do now so you can see if there is anything like this in their background. You can have an impact on their life in encouraging them to learn adult tasks by also taking those courses at college/Uni. I have heard of classes that teach students tasks any adult show know, how to cook and clean after themselves, how to shop, balance a bank account among other things. Don't change who you are to s top this from happening. My 2nd husband has a daughter he raised this way. She was always doing what you do and it has helped her to secure jobs, and find a husband who very much appreciates her being her own woman, not one who would weakly and easily let a man lead in a relationship. When most kids were dropping out of the program she was in, those who stayed admired her for her talents. Right now you are surrounded by students who have no clue what they are doing. In time, you will find more and more that those with minds like your own, and the maturity see a value in you, not to copy you but work together on any projects that require team work. That happened with the daughter in CG art. THere had to be one of each talent in a group to create a short video clip or a possible game. She was the actual artwork. Her entire team was all males and she the only female. It wasn't a sex thing and they wanted her just because they recognized her as better than anyone else studying the same. If you think it would help, don't share your plans with friends. If they ever ask, you can say, you're bouncing around some ideas but haven't decided on any plan to follow yet. That would seem natural. Then you ask them what they are thinking of doing. Likely nothing. But change the subject to something other than school plans and future plans. Or if people keep coming to you and start asking for you to help them with their future and what is best, you suggest that they see a guidance counselor to talk it out as you have done...whether or not you actually have. You may be intelligent to figure it out on your own but they don't need to hear that, just be told where to go for info. And if you say you've done it, most likely they will follow this advice and you no longer have to feel upset with people copying you because they are still incapable of thinking these things out for themselves yet.
Good luck.

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I work at a school as a reading resource teacher. We have had many new changes this year. With those new changes came a new teacher leader. Her and I started working at the school at the same time as classroom teachers and she moved into this new role this year. I have been a resource teacher for 2 yrs now and my role has also become part of our leadership team. The previous person who was in the teacher leader role was very off hands. This opened up more leadership roles for me slowly over time. Now that we have a new person in this role I feel that she is trying to take leadership opportunities that I have done in the past away. For example, all of our students receive a test 3x a year. I have ran these test, created the schoolwode calendar, and pretty much handled all of it for a year and half. Now, our new teacher leader is slowly trying to take it away. Technically, handling this test is in her job description but our previous teacher leader didn’t do that. I’m struggling with all of this bc I understand she is trying to do her roles but I have also worked very hard to have these systems in place and run smoothly. Her personality is one that if she is involved in something she like to take over the conversation, emailing to teachers, communicating to our principal, etc and it makes me feel like I don’t have a voice and that I need to compete just to be a part of it. We work closely together in our building and I feel like I am constantly trying to hold onto some of the things that I have worked hard on in the past. She says things like, “Oh, I’m going to take this off your hands.” I struggle with finding the words to stand up for myself. Part of the reason why is bc my role isn’t just reading with students but also leadership and that’s not typical in most schools. So I feel like maybe she thinks I’m overstepping bc I am doing leadership roles that aren’t typically done by a resource teacher but I have been in charge of these things for almost 2 yrs now. I am completely fine working together and sharing the load but she makes decisions without me and takes it upon herself to handing these things. We also just got a new principal 3 months into the school year and she is always running to her with our ideas without me. Any suggestions on how to handle her and/or this situation would be appreciated!

Sounds like in doing the responsibilities of the hands off lady, you came to love her job. I think you forgot what your job alone felt like and now that you are put back into that job spot with the new person doing her full role plus more, you may no longer be happy with your previous job and what it entails. I know you don't see it that way but if you find you end up with empty time on your hands or feel there are no challenges or less challenges to handle, then one problem could be you are bored with your job. I wonder why you did not apply for that job and leave yours open for them to fill.

You can not be upset with the new person for filling her job role completely. The last person was the problem and should not have been shirking her responsibilities as laid out in job description. However if you have something that falls into your job description that she wants to take off your hands, you simply say, So nice of you to offer but I can handle. But I will remember to ask for help if I run behind. That is what youk say to keep from making an enemy at work, regardless if you never intend to accept her help.

What she is doing, she may not be aware of, the getting involved in everything and sucking up to the boss, this is something that some new hirees do, when they feel that their hiring interview wasn't enough to show the boss that they know their job, their subconscious mind can kick into gear, making a person doubt their abilities and wanting to make a very good impression, will often over do it in an attempt to get noticed as a good new employee. This is the most likely reason. However there is a slight chance that it after some time has gone by, like a few more months, if she doesnt settle in a become comfortable with her position, and stop overachieving and showing off, then it may be a character fault. What I suggest is if you can present new things to the boss as you need to, and it doesn't have to be teacher's unanimously coming together and agreeing, then do so. You may want to be sure of the rules in employment there, is anything so loosely termed that it is more up to an individual to interpret what the rule is? If this is the case, and you would feel more secure with very exact, cut and dried rules, then bring it up on any of the rules regarding working for that school or school district and bring it up with your new principal. If you are doing discussions with the new person and taking part in coming up with solutions and she runs to the boss and presents them as just her own, then you have a problem, she is being fair to you. You may not be as outgoing as her but you could in a chat alone with the principal in passing ask, "You know that idea about the ....., did Lucy say where she got It?" This way you hear if it was her own idea or the principal looks started and says,, "Why you should know, she said both of you came up with it. In a job, it is important for a boss to know that you came up with idea's that were just yours or shared. A busy boss may not know. So if you find out that she said the ideas were hers, then ask about the others and if she took sole credit for all of them, let the principal know. She doesn't need to hear the whole dang sorry story but just the fact that you are curiously wondering why she is doing that. A good boss will either talk to her right away, or if they aren't sure as its her word against yours, then a boss will start to try and watch without being noticed by her to find out for themselves. Not all bosses think this way. So if it were me, I would add, "I don't mean to tell you how to do your job but I know its my word for hers. So if you'd like to eavesdrop on any of our work related conversations, then be my guest and see for yourself. YOU say If instead of 'you should' and this makes it a request, rather than sounding like you are telling the boss what to do. If things do not improve or the boss doesnt check into it, either you will have to go to the boss first and let her know what you and Lucy talked about and I would make that as immediately as possible. If lucy immediately is going to look for the principal, I would make sure to be there as well and as soon as you can blurt it out, say, "Hey, we both came up with another idea." Doing the right thing and giving both of you credit. If things don't improve, then I would suggest you no longer talk to her about work related things. If you want to talk at all, ask how her weekend was. If she asks you a question work related, tell her you are in the middle of something and she should go ask the boss. If she is trying to impress the boss again with something work related, you can't answer. Just look at her, don't answer her question and say, "I'll think about it. Now is there anything else? " If her anything else is also about work, you simply say, "I'll think about it." then think, and if you come up with an idea or solution to a problem, then don't share an inking with this gal, take it straight to the principal and get the only credit for it.

It's little things like this that end up also going into an employees folder and all of it can help when job promotions or a great reference is given for a new job. Keep track of these things yourself with what you wrote or said in case she doesn't share some of it for a reference at a new company/school. If besides the employees actions, you feel you'd be happier with a position where you do her job, then find out what may be lacking in your skills or experience and make sure you get that and then start looking for this position elsewhere. YOu can take your time until you find the perfect job reasonably close to get to, great boss and pay.

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Hi i’m a young tutor of my uni english club, I regularly joins english competition and have got 3rd place for several times (both national and international level), and recently I joined a local competition with my student where we’ve been training quite intense and we also get to the final round and after the competition end they announced that my student got the 2nd place (it was her/his first time on that competition field) meanwhile I didn’t get any. I’m in a situation where I think I teached him/her “too much knowledge” and forgot that she’s also my competitor on that competition. I am actually proud that I’ve created this winner but at the same time I almost feel awkward with my other student who knows that my student surpass me. Do you think it’s wrong to tag my student along with me in a same competition where we compete?

This is a reality in life that tends to boggle the mind or put a persons thoughts into a tangled mess. I will start with how I can relate, the child or the student in this case, is naturally most likely to do even better than the parent or teacher. I don't know all the whys of how this is the case over and over but I can see in by looking at my past and current life. I have exceeded my mother as a person and overcome anxieties and other things. As a mother I was about the same. Now my youngest daughter has a 2 year old and I see her doing many things way better than I ever did as a Mom, the Dad is also way better. Teaching as a parent or as a teacher in any type of learning establishment has also changed and improved in many ways. Things that were taught in baby books to my mom were not considered good anymore when I became a Mom and my daughter has the newest of lessons from her Daycare job to use on her own child. So this child is learning to talk instead of go into fits of crying. So it is not simply success based on your teaching, but what the societal norms are. What was expected of me in 1st grade, they now have Kindergartners doing. If it is deemed in testing that kids are more capable of a higher level in any area, then they tend to raise the bar, so to speak and what they expect of a student.
I can't say whether its right or wrong to take a student along but if they want to compete, they will still be there on their own, even if they didn't come with you, right?
You need to look at this more scientifically than emotionally. If your student did the same as you, a tie,, then you would know you did a good job and they are as good as you because of you.
But what if they did not do as well. Does it mean you all of a sudden didn't teach well with them, or that you taught them great but their mind wasn't able to grasp some concepts as easily as you. So what would that line of thinking look like for a student better than you? Either you did a bad job of teaching just this one person or maybe this person has a greater brain ability on some of the concepts than you. These may be areas you are aware of that you need work on or perhaps you are unaware there was any problem. Lastly, sometimes if two people in equal standing brainwise, are tested, it depends on what the questions, or prokblems or steps you have to solve are. A different set of questions may have meant you got second place. If you can learn to simply be proud no matter if you never get out of third place, then it doesn't matter, as long as your students are excelling, you know you are doing something right.

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