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Confused about feelings of another man
The situation is I became friends with my neighbor. We were partying together got drunk and he professed his attraction to me and asked me if I wanted to have sex. Being as my sex life with my husband has been non existant for awhile due to his medical reasons I gave in and said yes I would. We texted back and forth for awhile then we finally got together. I dont feel guilty. I love my husband but all I can think about is this other guy. Am I infatuated? Am i just reading into something that's not there? He says he thinks about me all the time but the only time he texts me is to hook up. We talk and hang out as a group alot and we act as if we are just friends and nothing more has happened.
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I will go through this from the top. You did not say that you and hubby were partying with the neighbor man and his wife or others. Becoming friends with ones neighbors is not unusual and is actually better because what are neighbor if you can not rely on them to borrow a cup of sugar and do favors for each other. Keep in mind I am not talking about sexual favors, just friendship. From how you wrote, it almost sounds as if in this friendship, he or you decided to get together for an invite to an exclusive party, just the two of you and got drunk together. If it is as you wrote, the fist mistake was meeting secretly to party with just the male half of your neighbor family. A woman meeting a married man is doing so knowing completely that what she is doing is not on the level and a male neighbor meeting you in private and asking for sex is also something that has to be contemplated often and planned. Its not some impulse here, not when its a neighbor you see often enough at community events.
Sigh, okay I understand that medical reasons can be a reason for not having sex because it would be deadly possibly for the spouse. I actually knew a couple like this. He and the wife went to a swing club. He took his wife there, for her, not for him because he had a heart condition and could no longer have sex but he loved her so much he wanted her to be able to have her sexual needs taken care of. So she got to play around with however many men present that evening while her husband sat and chatted with people who were not at the time involved in having sex. This was their solution to the issue. I can not tell you what to do as I realize the real need, not an urge, but scientifically proven facts on why it is important for people to have sex, especially women as they grow older. I won't go into that but just letting you know that your situation is one where I understand you not having guilt with taking on a lover. Its just how it happened and with whom that doesn't sit well with me. But I also understand that others don't have the same set of standards for morals as I may have and that is okay, we are all learning. I'll get to that but first back to what you wrote. Infatuation? That is something one can get over after some time, fairly easily. A need for sex is something you don't get over so easily. You said you love your husband. I wonder if the two of you have ever discussed your situation of not being able to have sex with him? This is a valid thing to talk about. My husband is the best man I could ever have found. (2nd marriage) The issue is that he has been having the beginning of erectile issues. It worries him as we have been very active, several times a week so I tell him if we can get it to work even once a week, we are still doing way better than people with working parts who have sex once or twice a month. This really is something your husband should have been just as worried and concerned about as my husband. If he isn't concerned how its affecting you, maybe he's too wrapped up in himself and his issues to even think of it, or maybe though he loves you, it isn't as much or as strongly as you think. I am only comparing my situation of a husband who isn't as worried for himself as for me and my getting my needs met. So this already is a big concern, lack of talk between you both or lack of talking about the hard solutions to the issue. Reality is that with enough years of no sex going on, a womans sex drive can go to sleep, like being in hibernation and most never awaken from this unless widowed or they divorce young enough and take on someone else and that mans attention, eventually rewakens her sex drive. Men who have no sex for long enough will lose the ability to get it up. We also know some guys like that.
For some couples, like your neighbor man, get married to someone who is not the best match for them. Some mistake the feelings of excitement over a new relationship to mean there is chemistry and they marry. If there is actually no chemistry and they thought this new relationship energy was actually it, the bad news is that energy wears off and then they end up unhappily married to someone with whom they have no chemistry with. It would be like being married to your brother and a brother being your lover. It would not be satisfying. Sex can be automatic, just going through the motions and though it does the trick for some guys, it isn't the best they could really experience ever in life. Women through are like Irons, they take a long time to get hot and then also an equally long time to cool off again. So we need the chemistry and lots of attention and foreplay to end up satisfied in the end. Sounds like your neighbor man is the one married to the wrong person. I don't think you are married to the wrong person. It would be more ideal to bring up the situation to your husband about getting your needs taken care of. He needs to know that it is a big deal to you. If you keep quiet, he assumes you are adjusting just fine to doing without. He needs to be reassured you love in, not just in words, but loving touches, cuddles, and whatever else would show him how important he still is to you and that you would never think of leaving him. And here is where you might propose trying an 'open marriage'. I met such a guy whose wife had a couple lovers outside the marriage and he did not have anyone yet and asked me. This was when I was with my ex whom I was not a sexual equal with. So though I gave it some thought, and the fact that his wife was already okay with the concept, the fact was, he really had no time for me. When I gave a date and time, his calendar was busy and I was not about to book a date with him 4 months in advance for just that one date. I should say, My husband and I had agreed on trying this concept. So on both sides, no spouse was left out in the dark to be hurt later. I know this isn't possible for everyone as some spouses would not take this kind of talk or possibility very well and it could upset things more than keeping it quiet. But if every found out, both your husband and his wife could be deeply hurt,they will only think "cheating on me" and that makes life real miserable and messy then if you think its messy now. Now as to him saying he thinks of you all the time. I can't say what he thinks is true, I don't know him and am not a mind reader. But men are very predictable in this one thing, sex. If they have a need and have found a woman who can fill their need, yeah, they may be thinking of you but not with the feeling in love with, its actually in lust with, thinking of Shelly my lover, Tina who goes down on me, Wendy who is a vixen in bed. They are not thinking Shelly whom I want to go Apple picking with, Tina whom I'd like to cook a dinner for, or Wendy whom you plan a surprise Birthday party for. When a man loves a woman he loves to when a woman and a man truly are in love, they will find that they love to be together no matter what they are doing, even mundane daily tasks as simply being in each others company makes even the simple routine stuff feel special because of the company. That is how it should be. that is how my relationship is with my husband.
This neighbor man does not have the opportunity to barely meet you in secret for sex let alone have time to get to know you as a person better, and spend time together doing regular stuff. This will never happen if he is not your husband. So my guess is that it is more likely all his thoughts are not of love but seeing you as his ticket to some great sex. I used dating sites to find my husband. Before meeting him, one guy meet me for a coffee meet up. He was honest right up front and said he was married,they had no sex anymore, he still loves her as his best friend though and was not thinking of ever leaving her. But he still had needs and wanted me to be his lover. First, I wouldn't do such a thing even if I was okay in settling for less, just a lover, not a husband because I mentioned the open marriage concept and if she was okay with it. He said he could never tell her, so I said, that's the only situation in which I would be okay with having sex with a married man knowingly. Do I think doing so makes you end up in hell? No, I don't. But the standard I have automatically lived by since a child in grade school as always been higher than that of the rest. I am simply sharing a possible option. It sure would help if the husband knew and was okay with it, maybe then you wouldn't have to have quickies. The fact that the man is his friend , well it can go both ways, he cuts the man out of his life and yours, or if he is more analytical himself, he may think, if well, since I can't be my wifes sex partner anymore, if I could choose the man, I would want it to be someone I already like and admire, a friend. Yes, My husband has had that talk with me. If his best friends wife who is much older ever dies, he'd want his friend to come to live near us or with us. If it gets to the point where my hubby can't ever get hard ever again, then if his friend could, he would be okay with his friend and I being lovers. This is all his thinking, nothing I ever said to bring up that line of thought. There are not many men who would think that up themselves. I don't know how close they are but you never know, your husband may not like the idea of you with just anyone , but his friend, because it was his idea first, hey, its a possibility.
So you say you feel shock waves every time you kiss the neighbor. It could be simply because you have been starved for sex for a while, or it could be there is better chemistry with the neighbor,a stronger one than that you had with your spouse or maybe its the same and you just didn't say that. I met and dated plenty guys before I met my 2nd husband. I was almost 50 so I had more life experience. So even though I met guys with whom I felt chemistry and shock waves, thats a physical thing, I still had to have a meeting of minds, and had to like their personality and their character. Truly, I did not meet anyone until my husband who I had all of it with, its easy to have one or the other but not as easy to find all. I hardly think the neighbor wants a new wife and as you said there would be repercussions due to the farming life.
I once heard from some info I came across online, Bible scholars talking about misconceptions today of the word 'Adultery'. Today we believe it means having sexual relations with someone other than your spouse. Back in Bible days when the knowledge of the Ten Commandments was understood, Adultery did not mean that sex outside of marriage is sinful. There are plenty of examples of men offering their wife to another man for sex. No, sex was not the issue. Women were still considered property. As you understand with the farm issue, the wife is much needed as part of what makes the farm survive. The same thing is what was going on back then. The woman had her jobs to do, the cooking cleaning, taking care of kids, fetching water from the well, washing the laundry beside a stream or river, and so on. If a man did not have the husbands permission to have the wife for sex, and he just took her even if she was willing, it was seen as him stealing from the husband. the actual crime back then was considered the stealing and the dishonesty, the keeping of a secret that could hurt the spouses. So you can rest easy that God never said Sex outside of marriage was evil or bad. When he condemned adultery, he was speaking to people of the current time in history, and what they could relate it to, and the message that commandment gave people is that it is not okay to steal or be dishonest in any way with your spouse. Obviously, this is a big misunderstanding that has caused so many problems for people in todays age as far as sex is concerned. Does it really matter then if this man only wants you for sex? It shouldn't if he is only a lover on the side. Unless you are subconsciously almost hoping to find a man to have like a real true husband while still married to a husband? Its not going to happen. Time constraints for one thing, and how difficult it is to keep it secret. I am not wishing to tell you what to do, but the only choice I see is:
1 Go on As you have and do nothing different
2 Talk to husband about your need for sex not going away and you wondering if he'd be okay with an open marriage. Some open marriages are truly only one sided with just one partner not both seeking lovers outside of marriage. Give him time to think about it, and if he comes around, then ask if he has a preference for someone, maybe a friend he trusts.
3 come out and tell him what you are doing, that you understand the situation for him and the neighbors and that divorce isn't even a consideration or a desire for many reasons. Then deal with him being upset.
You are doing number 1 right now and seem to be happy with that. I've already explained why a full relationship wouldn't work, not unless both his wife and your husband were willing to put up with still being married in paper only but you and this man having a full blown relationship. It doesn't work in stolen moments together other than sex. You may consider that a true relationship but I don't. However if you are happy fooling yourself into believing its the real thing, not just lovers, and happy playing pretend relationship with him, then by all means, make your own decision to do so. Just remember, it's not only about you or him in reality, being found out, affects his wife and kids, and others of his family, others who know him in the community who may not trust him now for anything, and affects your husband and affects any of your family that know both you and your husband and other friends or what. You know you won't consider breaking up and divorce and remarrying this guy. So your only option may be to get as much sex as you can before things blow up and this all happens any ways. Its a matter of sooner or later. Your hubby finds out sooner, but what the guy does telling wife or not is up to him, and hubby is upset and life with him ruined anyways or he is okay with it eventually and gives his blessing. For that slight chance he might be okay with it, weighed against not saying anything at all, each way also has a possibility of this going on long term, one as its never discovered, and the other, with your husband giving his blessing. I know mine would if it came to that. I don't know if yours would. I have thought it out with what could happen either way and dont see any other options for you other than breaking it off with the man and never having sex again as you stick with your husband and I know you're not going for that either. So hopefully I have given you plenty of ways to look at your situation. No matter what you do choose, there is a chance it will work either way you chose and also backfire either way you choose. Still the decision is up to you.
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