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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

Thanks for the advice about dealing with the situation about telling my brother about losing to the girl. It actually wasn't at school were the fight took place, when I said "high school drama" I ment just general teen misunderstood drama which lead to the fight. It all happened so fast, she just shoved & punched me & came after me in a skirmish grappling around for a min or so until she landed a couple more punches then it was all down hill from that for me. I couldn't even stand up for about 5 min after she was done with me. But yes I'm mainly just worried about seeing her again & being in a awkward situation in all especially if my brother finds out about it and I'll have to explain what happened. I'll for sure tell him I didn't fight back but I think she'll tell her brother (his teammate) that wasn't the case & that she legitimately beat up in a fight. Of course like you said as long as there isn't any footage of it I can just deny It, but it still has me feeling uneasy about the whole situation. Hopefully if he does find out maybe he might not care much about it as I think he will.

Also, if her brother wasn't there to witness it, he can't know either for sure. What you can do is take some classes on self defense or just working at a gym to gain more strength. Men who will not hit a women when she is swinging at him will avoid her swing, block her fists and lastly, pin her to a wall or the floor so she can't move to hit him and he'd let her know he will release her when she calms down. Self defense classes will help you to avoid a hit by ducking or sidestepping once a person is getting going. Knowing how to block a persons fist without actually using force to hurt them is good too. I am thinking some basic martial arts but I wouldn't really know much about where to learn all of this.

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What do you do when someone tells you this boy likes you and you don’t really know if he does and it would be awkward if you just went up to the guy and said. “ hey do you like me”

I am 13 years old and in 7th grade

At your age, there are too many girls who want to play match maker and this desire is so strong that they may see something in a guy that they are misinterpreting. Lets say you colored your hair or did something out of the normal for you that could make people who happen to see you, take a second glance, and if he did, they might believe that since he stared so long that he was interested when he was just staring at something that caught his attention. I get that when I change something up, new hairstyle, new glasses frames, wearing a style of clothes that I never wear, etc.

Just because they told you, doesnt mean is it true. Now if they said this boy walked up to one of your friends and told them that he likes you, then there may be truth in it.
But consider this, if a guy was too chicken to approach you to try to be friends because he likes you, then he'd probably not have the guts to confess it to your friends either.

The real question is, would you be happy if he was interested in you that way? Are you already crushing on him? If so, and both of you are too chicken to make a move, then nothing will ever happen. SO if You are interested, try first to befriend him because that is a heck of a lot less scary than point blank asking someone if they like you. It rather awkward for one thing and really kind of weird too. Can you imagine some guy at school you don't really know walking up to you and the first thing he says if "Do you like me?" It puts you off guard not knowing where that thought came from and not having a clue how to answer him.

Liking a guy like a close or best friend is one of the things important in successful long term or life long couples, married or not. So if you simply trying talking to him and if you need ideas on how to talk to guys, its not much different than girls but some of the interests may differ. Although what is safe is discussing favorite music, bands, favorite genre for movies, and the type of books you both like and you can branch out from there. Walking up to him without having started with a Hi Tim, how are you today, and just asking, whats your favorite music, will be as odd and awkward as asking if he likes you. Learn how to approach people and start conversations is a must here. So if you are interested in him, and want to start a friendship but are stuck on how to talk to him, just let me know and if you know a few things about him, have seen him playing basketball, riding a bike, know he's an only child or has siblings, anything you know, even if its just from school, will give me more constructive ideas to help you with.

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I am a 30 year old female and have no idea what to get my mom for mothers day and its this Sunday. My mom has eczema so bath stuff that smells good is out.my mom is also has to use a wheel chair due to an illness that makes it hard for her to walk long periods of time so taking her to a buffet is out of the question. I got her a plant for her birthday which was April 23rd so I don't want to go that route. Please help.

If you think she'd like to recieve a nice back massage, that is something very special. I was going to mention Spa package until you mentioned the eczema. If there is some kind of oil that would work on her skin, then you'd have to buy that and give it to the massage person if in a call, they are okay with it. Then you give her a gift certificate to use at a time she is ready to. Or you can do something much more simple, a gift certificate to her favorite place to eat. Or try thinking of something she has had an interest in. Something special like lets say a steam train ride. There are plenty throughout the country, short trips though some are dinner trains and a one time thing like that will bring her many happy memories. It doesn't have to be a train ride, but thats the only example I can think of a touristy thing to do, a promise to take her, like a voucher to use for later. If it has to be something small, then does she have any collections or things she likes? Its even harder if its a mother in law and I remember getting mine stuff, nicknacks I noticed she tended to like such as unique glass votive holders, little ceramic boxes with lids and the one I got her that was Noahs ark roof with animals as the lid and bottom of ship for the box seemed to be her favorite. She also liked collecting anything to do with owls. I am that way about dragonflys myself. This is what I mean, by something small but very thoughtful. If she likes Starbucks or another coffeehouse, then perhaps a gift certificate for an amount you can afford will do nicely.

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Hi I have a anxiety ridden situation to deal with. My younger brother has recently started playing soccer and he wants me to go to his games and practices. The fact is though, one of his teammates is the brother of a girl who about 4 yrs ago when I was 17 who I ended up getting into a high school drama induced argument with over something stupid eventually lead to a scuffle where in the end she ended up getting the best of me & beat me up pretty bad.. I'm worried about going to his games and seeing her there and eventually somehow he finds out that she beat me up. He looks up to me a lot and will wonder why I don't go to any games. Plus I'm worried about what he'll think of me if he finds out that the sister of one of his teammates beat up his big brother?
Am I over thinking this and making to big a deal out of it? I keep wondering if he'll think less of me now especially since he'll probably have a million questions about it. I worry about him being ashamed especially if I have to admit to still being afraid of her. Or is there a chance that it's not as big a deal these days and he won't think much of it? Thank for any suggestions.

The only people who know are your drama teacher, classmates and this girl. I am guessing there is no video of this event to prove there was an argument that started it all. There are Parents who teach their male children to never hit a female, even if she is hitting him. Though this isn't the truth in your case, I hope you have grown and changed and would no longer get into fist fights with a female, not because she might beat you, what if you beat her? Generally, males are believed by society to have more strength than a female so if you had beat her, there could have been a lawsuit and you could have been expelled from school. So, I would say to secretly be happy that things went as they did. It doesn't matter if this girl is at a game and if she wants to shame you be telling everyone. All you have to say is that you believe that a male should never hit a woman, no matter what so yes, she was fighting with you and you let her win so you wouldn't hurt her. That could save your face in public. It's up to you whether you pull your brother over in secret and tell him what really happened but that was who you were in the past and you would no longer consider hitting a female, no matter what.

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My wife was a slut and I want every one to know but I don't want her to know it came from me I want to shame her. But I want to keep her as my wife.

I'll bet you don't even know why and what is prompting you to want to shame her. You used the word 'was' a slut as in past tense, sometime in the past. If she is no longer and she has changed, there is a saying to not define a person by their past. Apparently, your wife's past is more important to you than who she is now. This means you will forever be thinking of her in a limiting fashion. This is not fair to her. It is up to her whether she is willing to be treated so or not. Even if she doesn't know you told stories about her past, your behavior will follow your basic thoughts. You can't stop that from happening as it is psychological human behavior. What we think prompts our actions. Healthy thoughts, good actions, distorted or negative thoughts, bring forth bad behaviors. So even if she did not know that one things, your general behavior will have changed towards her and that is something she will notice. You say you want to keep her as a wife. She is not an object to be kept but has a choice to decide to stay or go at some point. Also, wedding vows include to love, honor and cherish ones mate. What you are considering doing goes totally against those vows. You may have married because you loved one or two things about her personality but did you marry because you were in love with her? I am asking what a psychologist asked my ex husband. He admitted he had never been in love with me and had only loved a few aspects about me. This means he did not treat me in ways that show how much he was in love. Hearing that, it finally made sense why he had treated me so poorly. So I left him. So if you are asking how to keep it secret that you are telling people about her past, no one here will do it. The best I can recommend is that you go see a mental health professional for yourself, or go to a marriage counselor because your plans, even if you only think it but never carry it out, simply the negativity in your mind will kill your marriage. Go see a professional. Don't feel bad about the negative distorted thoughts, as everyone has them. The only difference is that most people do not dwell on them and let those thoughts direct us into behavior that supports those thoughts. However there are people who can never let some things alone, especially negative thoughts and allow those thoughts to bother them instead of saying to their self that they must stop thinking such thoughts as they are not true, do not matter any longer, etc. SO there is skill for you to learn. Then you need to also learn why your mind feels it is important to shame another person. Were you shamed as a child growing up. If so, I am sorry to hear that but that is not right, should not have happened and deciding to be the vehicle to allow such dysfunctional ways to continue, rather than stay in the past, is not the way to go. You know it, but you have to really give this thought to be able to acknowledge that something isn't kosher about your line of thinking. I am not saying you are a bad person, only the behavior isn't at a place where a happy successful life and marriage would result. SO if you want a miserable life and to lose your wife, go ahead and do what you plan. But don't say I didn't warn you.

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I don't really know where to start, so I'll just jump in. I really, really, REALLY hate myself sometimes. I'm a 31 year old college drop out, I have a dead end job that my mom got for me after I'd gone unemployed for a while, I've never had the balls to go after my dreams because I'm afraid I'll just screw them up like I screw everything else up, I can't emphasize enough how I screw pretty much EVERYTHING up, I have no useful talents, and I feel like an absolute nothing. I wonder sometimes why I was born in the first place.

I think what feels the worst is feeling extremely unloved, unwanted, and unimportant and having no one to talk to about it. I have a terrible relationship with my father, and I'm afraid I'm about to have one with my sister (my only sibling) as well. My mom loves me, which is great and nothing to take for granted, but I feel like no one else really cares. My dad's made it clear that I'm a disappointment to him and he and I have very, very little contact these days because his life revolves around my sister and nephew and he ignores me. When we are around each other, he treats me like his own personal human emotional punching bag. He gets angry extremely easily and takes it out on me. He'll get angry at my sister, but won't say a word to her about it because he wouldn't dare risk hurting her feelings or anything like that. Instead, he comes after me because my feelings don't matter to him and he doesn't care how he makes me feel by attacking me when I haven't done anything.

I feel like, aside from my mom, everyone who has ever cared about me much is gone. I had three grandparents who used to make me feel loved who have all died. The only one that's still alive ignores me like my dad does. I had this old school counselor once who I saw once a week from the 7th grade to the week before I graduated high school. She was a very sweet, loving, Christian woman who was the first person outside of my family to tell me she loved me. I was walking out of the room where she and I met at the time and I actually went straight across the hall to the bathroom and cried when she said that. It meant so much to me. But she died nearly three years ago. I feel like any friends I've ever had have moved away and I have a hard time making more because I'm so overly afraid of being judged as a loser that I don't let people that close to me. I feel like I make bad first impressions anyway and that also makes it hard to make friends.

I feel unsafe talking to anyone about this because when I've tried in the past, people have shamed me hard for my feelings and made me feel like I could never open up to anyone ever again. They don't listen, they ignore details, they put words in my mouth when it comes to my feelings, they let their own past experiences cloud their judgement, some of them yell at me, they call me whiny, they shame me, they make me hate myself more than I already do, and worst of all, they make me feel more unworthy, unimportant, and insignificant than I already do.

I didn't have a great 30th birthday. It was alright, nothing to complain about, it just wasn't special. My dad and sister ignored it, which hurt because I acknowledged and helped celebrate my sister's 30th and she actually planned our dad's 60th. It didn't sit well with me that after I did that for her and after she did that for our dad, showing that she does care about some people's milestone birthdays, she just ignored mine, showing that she didn't care about it. When I made the horrible mistake of expressing my feelings about that, people shamed me, called me self centered, and made me feel like I wasn't worth my sister's or my dad's trouble anyway.

Speaking of my 30th, my mom felt bad that she didn't make a bigger deal out of it as she typically goes over the top for birthdays, especially milestones. I told her that she did well on my 30th and didn't need to worry,. But she still felt bad, so she asked me what I wanted her to do to make it up to me. I said I didn't want anything, but she kept asking. SHE wanted to do something for me, SHE asked me what I wanted, so I came up with one idea. We had several movie nights over the course of a long weekend. I'm a big nerd when it comes to movies, especially scary movies. The ones from the 90's are my favorites, particularly the Scream trilogy I call it a trilogy because that's what the creators meant for it to be. Scream 3 was a perfect ending to the series and Scream 4 was an atrocity that should've never happened. This isn't relevant to my problem, it's just something that really pisses me off. Anyway, I stayed at her place that weekend and we watched the Scream trilogy. When I made the mistake of mentioning this to anyone, the next thing I knew, I was being berated for being emotionally manipulative for "guilting" my mom into doing this for me even though SHE was the one who said she didn't think she made a big enough deal about my 30th, SHE asked me how she could make it up to me and I at first told her I didn't want anything. This makes me feel like everyone always thinks thinks the worst of me in every situation, which makes me have a hard time not thinking the worst of myself.

Everytime I have a moment of any kind, my sister takes it away from me. If I lose a bunch of weight while she's struggling to do so, she gets mad, calls me a bitch, and makes me feel guilty for it. If I accomplish something, she puts it down and makes her accomplishments seem better. If I celebrate some big event in my life, she finds a way to make it all about herself. I can't vent to anyone about this because they'll just defend my sister and say that if it makes her feel better to do this, then there's nothing wrong with it. However, if I ever did the same thing to her, I'm the devil in the same people's eyes.

Another example would be when my maternal grandfather was in the hospital having surgery to repair a ruptured bowel. His chances of survival were very poor and I was alone in having to deal with the stress of his illness all day that day. My mom was out of town at the time and was trying to get home, but it took her like sixteen hours to do so. My uncles we're trying to get here as well, but the only relative of mine who could be with me anytime soon was my paternal grandmother (the one who doesn't care about me). Someone called her and suggested she come down here to be with me since I was alone and scared out of my mind. She called me to ask if I wanted her to come to town (she lives less than an hour away) and I said yes. She sounded disappointed and put out, but claimed she'd be here soon. Then, she called back several hours later and said she wasn't coming. If I open up to anyone about this except my mom and maybe my sister, they ask me what I did to my grandmother to make her care about me so little or accuse me of being too passive and not letting her know I wanted her here even though I specifically told her I did. Despite some relatives not being there for me when I need them or when I'm celebrating something important to me, people tell me I'm stupid for caring about those things or thinking they give any indication of how much those relatives care about me. They may be right about the birthday thing, but when it comes to the story of my grandfather being in the hospital and my grandmother not coming when I asked her to, I can't believe that this story does not indicate that my grandmother doesn't care about me very much. I mean, maybe if there was a reason she couldn't or shouldn't come to the hospital, I wouldn't feel that way, but there wasn't. She just didn't want to come. Aside from some people claiming that people can treat me this way and still love me "more than I will ever know," others have called me self centered for wanting love anyway and make me feel like I'm not worth it.

I want to be married someday and have children, but a few people have recently made me feel like I wouldn't be worth a damn to my family either. Some man stated a while back that dads were better parents than moms. That bothered me, so while searching the internet like an idiot to try to find something expressing equality between parents, I found a couple articles claiming that fathers are more important than mothers and one claimed that mother's aren't important at all. That they have no impact on their children at all unless it's a negative one, such as if they're abusive. Now, I know people can be morons and the internet is full of them and that I'm probably a moron for looking all of this up. I also know that whoever wrote that article is probably some butt hurt dad that gets pushed around and made to feel unimportant by his family, causing him to feel insecure and feel the need to make dads more important than moms, but it still bothers me. It makes me wonder how much my kids would need me if I had any. I also wonder what man would ever want to marry me. Everytime a guy seems interested in my, part of me almost judges him for being interested. I think so little of myself that I can't see why anyone would like me.

I hate people for making me feel so unimportant, but at the same time, I feel like anytime someone does seem to care about me and want to listen to my feelings, I don't want to tell them. I feel frustrated because I have all the feelings I've mentioned and more, but while my mom's asked me to confide in her, she tends to interrupt me when I try to. As for other people, I have this odd, incongruous feeling of being irritated with them when they ask me to talk. I can't explain it. I want so bad for someone other that my mom to care about me, but when someone does, I want to ask them why. Why do they care? Why do they want to hear about my feelings? Why do they think my feelings matter? Why do they think I matter? I don't get it. And I know I'm insane for feeling this way. I'm grateful when someone shows that they care, I really am, but I've been made to feel like I don't matter for so long that it causes me to feel this way and have no idea why I would feel this way (I hope that makes sense).

Lately, I've been having dreams about my future. I had a dream back in March that I was married to a great guy and that I'd just had a baby boy named Roman (my favorite boy name). I had a dream another night that Roman was grown and was so sweet, charming, and handsome and was taking care of me and showing concern for me when I was sick. I had a dream that I'd had a baby named Aaron and he was so cute I wanted to eat him up, but when I wake up from these dreams, I feel that I don't deserve the things I dreamed about. I had a dream last night that I shot myself and it scared the hell out of me. That's why I'm on this site today. I don't think I'd ever actually commit suicide, but that dream really scared me. Does anyone have any advice for me about how to handle these feelings?

P.S. Sorry this wound up being so long.

Hi There. Just read what you wrote and also Aarons answer to you. Thank you for shariing the details, it helps me see the bigger picture. And Aaron did say the right things. He knows what he's talking about having lived through some of the same experiences.

You and your sister are adults unless she is 17 or younger and I very highly doubt that. Unfortunately, as kids, you had no way to escape a dysfunctional Dad who created a dysfunctional family. So as kids, both you and your sister did not have the benefit of the kind of father a child feels safe to explore life with, etc. What I will say is that your Dad had a choice to not let how he was treated growing up, to continue on to you. You did not mention physical abuse but it sounds like some verbal abuse mixed with impossibly high expectations, a mind with preset ideas of children being a nuisance. You've heard possibly an old saying of 'children should be seen but not heard' and that is messed up. Your father I am pretty sure was treated as badly as he treats you by at least his Mom. The paternal Grandma you mentioned sounds so cold and heartless, not just to you but her own husband. I don't know if he ever mistreated her for her to not worry or care he was in the hospital. There is something really wrong with her. She isn't normal. Lets say he was a jerk to her. Then she should have left him but she didn't. You did say the other 3 grandparents loved you. So I am pretty sure the Grandpa in the hospital was a good man and that it was only that grandma. She was likely also mistreated and grew up in a dysfunctional family. I know from reading, that doctors have found that if a parent was abusive somehow, then their children are likely to grow up to be abusive to their own children.
The reason they say that is that whatever distorted stuff you have to deal with as a child will mess with your developing mind. Children who are abused or come from dysfunctional families or whose fighting hateful parents divorce, will as kids and also as adults think that somehow it was their fault, that there is something wrong with them. In a sermon at church, talking about how God can love us even if we don't really know Him much or at all, was described with new parents with a baby. Normal parents just love this little baby so much, something like what you dreamed of. The key here is that a newborn is helpless, can't do anything for the parents to earn their love, is very needy and needs everything done for them. This is how it is for many and how it should be. God loves us too without us having to earn his love. However some parents are messed up and because they don't go get help as adults when they are finally in charge of their lives, they will continue to be a mess and create more messed up people if they have children. I guarantee you if you were always loved, didn't have to earn it or prove it, still loved, even if you did mess up, then you would not be questioning whether you matter or not. I am going into length to come to the same suggestion Aaron made... you don't have to stay this way. You can seek professional help. You don't need medicine so if a doctor shoves that at you, keep looking for one who really wants to help you get better. You are a victim, you are not the problem. Victims need help.

I used to have social anxiety. Basically it was my having very distorted thoughts about how people would react to me. I was afraid of being teased, etc . . . when I had loving parents and no bad situations to feel that way. I was like that from as young as I can remember. I am not now. But I am sharing to tell you that back then, the thoughts I had, are turned into silent signals, like radio waves that go out and people around you pick up on. The negative reactions you are getting when you make a simple comment and other such problems, are not so much about what you are saying or doing but people reacting negatively because they are picking up negative signals from you. This happened to me. All the way through high school I was scared of people and thought the worst of them so they picked up on it. Though they wouldn't know consciously why they didn't want to make friends with me, I usually had only 2 close friends at any point in time), they stayed away. Once I was a HS graduate, I knew I had to get over this or my life as an adult would be severely affected. So trust me, other than your Dad or his Mom, anyone else who might be treating you negative or reacting negatively is doing so because they are not aware of how they function as a whole person and not aware that humans are capable of picking up on the invisible unseen things. Yet they will think it is their own thoughts or choices. I know know because when I meet a person who is so shy and quiet that they barely can talk to me, I also now feel like I don't want to spend much time on them, its like a feeling that is repulsive in me, to stay away, not bother and I have to make a conscious choice to reach out. Most people are not attracted to those who are shy, or have been hurt or are mentally different because of disabilities or how they were raised. So if the majority of humans don't know this, it will be up to you to find help, get better, start realizing there never was anything wrong with you, that you are worthy of being loved, and giving love and once positive vibes are radiating out from you, you will see a difference. Don't let Dad or his mom win. don't let the chain go on so you end up like him. There are 3 choices for a person in your situation: one being you decide if you can't beat him,, you will join him and become just like him, the second being that a person ends up like you now, feelings worthless and unloved and live a miserable lonely life or commit suicide, and the last is the person who decided they will not let a parents treatment of them dictate how they will be from now on, and they decide to be an overcomer rather than remain victim. But for that, you will need to seek out help and I would suggest a psychologist trained in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. These ones realize the majority can be helped by working with their thoughts and feelings to correct them rather than bandaging the problem by giving meds. Only around 10% really needs meds. Good luck and I
would love to hear back sometime how you are doing

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English is not my first language. I'm Brazilian .

Please read all I have to tell.

I'm a 20 years old man, I know I still young but my problem with women is cursing since I was a kid.
When I were late junior high I started to approach girls and never had success. I know it's not a big problem for a teenager but I got a bit sad 'cause the other boys around me could archive them. When I was in high school i began to took some pills for my acne problem, that drug gave me some bad side-effect. The worst of them was a strong anxiety and nightmares that I've been having very often.
In this nightmare I was attacked by all the girls i found attractive, they turn themselves into female-shaped monsters like lamias, succubos, siren and schiylas. Those monsters slash me with theirs claws and fangs. These nightmares were very scare ones. In synergy to the nightmares i started to cut myself, i got an horrible habit to scratch my sexual organs after the nightmares.
Since them i began to take some pills from the doctor 'cause for him I have venustrophobia, the phobia of approaching girls (pills to short my sexual desires) who I've seen around 5 years. With the doctor and the pills I got the discipline needed to forget about girls and focus on other things of life, but i never stopped to try approaching girls, even always been rejected.
When i started college (3 years ago) i started to ask to girls what they think about me. The answers i got was that i am not too good looking, i am too short (even shorter them almost every girl i know), too nerdy, geek and even otako, i am too methodical, too logical, needy of experience and look like an 14 years old boy.
I took this life for the last 4 years but sudden i started to be a "friend with benefits" with an old friend of mine. It was amazing, i felt powerful, manly, strong, handsome. But 2 mouths later she just broke up with me 'cause i was too logical for her... That was pain in my ass. I've spent so much time holding my desires and they got free from me 'cause i could have fun with a girl i found amazing that I've lost.
Then i started to try girls more and more often but the only thing i get is no, no, no, no.
Now i cant stop thinking about women again, i cant concentrate on college, the time flies too fast, i'm having that old nightmare again, i am sad, horny, and with the horrible feeling i not good enough to be loved again.

Not everyone is average height, there are taller people and shorter ones. I am 5 feet 2 inches and I find there are always women shorter than me. What I suggest is that you search for women on the internet since you are looking for some exact things in a female, like one who is short and you can specify height, like 4'10 to 5 ft or what ever you need. Also be open and share ahead that you look younger than your age and wouldn't mind a female who is also younger looking than her age. If anyone can understand what it is like to look younger than your age, another person with the same problem will. It is hard to be content now but when you are older, you will like looking younger than your age. I don't know what Otako is but nerdy and geek I know. Maybe not all girls are like that but there will be some. Using a dating site helps to narrow the search. At the age of 2o or even a little older, men and women are more concerned with the outside of a person, not with who they are inside. So it may be hard still to find someone who sees past the outside to who you are on the inside and treasures that. I am much older than you, 60. At about 47 I had divorced an abusive husband and began a search to find the right man. I also had some special things I asked for, a patient man who does not have an anger problem and would not raise his voice or yell, be understanding, and many other things. He is short but not too short 5'9 and asked for short women in his dating profile. He also wanted someone who is spiritual and his sexual equal. Many women did not like him because he was too short if they wore high heel shoes, he is a very hairy man with lots of hair covering every inch of his body and that was a turn off for women. Not me, I was used to it because my Father was a hairy man. Plenty of women told him that he was too intense. However I am a little like that and like it. So no matter what you think will hold you back from finding someone, those things won't bother or keep away the right woman. Although, for both of us, this is our second marriage and it took until later in our lives to find each other. We used the internet and that is why I suggest the same. The men I was meeting just where ever I went, did not work out, and ended up being in some ways like my ex husband. In the meanwhile, use your computer to read about dating tips for men, and watch any dating videos, on how to be successful in dating, how to approach women, all that kind of stuff. Even though I am happy, I do watch these kinds of things sometimes so I can pass on any help to others.

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I'm almost thirty and in a relationship with a guy that is six years younger than me, the relationship has it's ups and downs like any other,, but we're working on it and it's getting stronger day by day, I'm from Armenia we both are,and together almost two years and want to get out of this country ,it was individually at first but then i mean now we want to do it together.. i have a brother in Canada that was my only way because our country is living crisis, so me and my boyfriend were all set the points we're going to get married and then he will apply for a job ( he's a VFX Artist btw) and i'll be able to go with him to Canada.. But things got changed now, my Papers has done my brother he sent the invitation and everything is sorted now for me , after three weeks i'll have the answer from the embassy ,, but my boyfriend is acting weird and strange and he's really sad even though he doesn't tell me, But now it's like all the weight is on me ,i don't know what to do ..this is my only chance but i'm not sure what are the possibilities for him to make it ,,and he's acting like i betrayed him somehow, but i don't have any other choice..((((((

If your brother in Canada helped with getting your papers done correctly and you are legally able to move to Canada at any time, and you want to go, then you should. You need to decide if its more important to you to leave Armenia or more important to you to be with your guy. If he is not talking to you and telling you what is upsetting him, that is not a good thing. Couples who do not confide in each other, lean on each other when one is going through a bad thing, have relationships that are not good and may break up. Men tend to not want to bother their wife or girlfriend with their troubles. I think it is because they want to appear strong even when they are not. If he was trying to get his papers for moving done, perhaps he was not approved to move. that could be what has him so upset. If he is acting weird, is it possible now that it is down to a decision making time, he is scared and not sure he wants to marry? There is no reason you need to marry before you go. If he is not approved to enter Canada, and you are married to him, then that would hold you back. So this comes to the point of you having to decide what is most important to you. If you get out now, he can keep trying and when he arrives later, then you both can marry in Canada. But if he has changed his mind, and does not want to leave his family behind, then you need to know so ask him. If he won't tell you what is wrong, start guessing and ask him and watch closely to see his reaction. His face should tell you something, even if he doesn't explain. Lastly, you want to be sure that he is the right person for you, not because you've been together 2 years, but what you need and want in a man, does he come close to that? Or have you settled for less than what you really wish for in a future husband? All of this may depend on what you decide. If he is the best thing that has come your way and you can't imagine life without him, then if he is able to immigrate, then how you feel about him means you would have to give up your dream of moving to Canada. If he has changed his mind about you, you need to know that too, so you don't stay in Armenia instead of going to Canada. If you decide that you have some strong feelings for him but that it may not be Love, or being in love, and also how he feels, if it is positive but not a strong love, then it would be better off for you to move to canada and leave him behind. Even if he is able to move, but you do not think he still feels the same about you, then there is no obligation to marry him in Armenia or Canada. Until you know what is really bothering your boyfriend, what it is that is on his mind and makes him act differently all of a sudden, then you need to find out. If he began to act this way as soon as he learned you were approved to enter Canada, then his issues are tied to you moving there. Do not give up your dream and as you said, only chance to go there. I know you are waiting 3 weeks for a reply but whatever you have done so far, he may not have done for himself, so he may not have worked on any legal stuff for himself which would mean he can't be accepted. Or if he has done it, perhaps there is something in his past he is afraid will make Canada turn him down. You won't know until you ask and he is willing to tell you all of it. SO until then, it will be impossible to make a decision. If in 3 weeks, he still has not told you what the problem is and you are accepted to move to Canada, then I feel you should go. You have a brother there and won't be alone. As I said, communication between two people is important in a relationship, so if your guy is not going to let you know what is wrong, then that is not a good sign for a marriage. In a marriage, the two must act as a couple, not as two singles who can live their separate lives and make their separate decisions without having to consider the feelings or wishes of a mate, wife, girlfriend.

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So I know I passed the exam but definitely not with a high mark, I hate talking about exams with my friends after we’re done because we put different answers. However I’ve checked the answers I’ve put on the exams through the professors lectures and my answers were wrong. Now I’m stressing out because I know my mark will drop but I don’t want it to drop more than 10% the professor said she would never bell curve. The exam had so many short answers worth 5 marks and 10 marks I know I got two 5 mark questions wrong, because one of them I only gave one answer when I should’ve at least put 3, but I couldn’t figure it out. the 10 marked ones I answered it the best I can but I feel like I should’ve put more. There was even some multiple choice worth 5 marks and I think I got one multiple choice wrong because now that I’m thinking back and after my friend said a different answer I feel like hers is right. So that’s already 15 marks gone. The exam is out of 43 and worth 40% some multiple choice were worth 1-3 marks I think I got those ones right. I know I passed but I can’t stop stressing I have two more exams left for different classes and I can’t even focus on them because I’m stressing about this exam that I’ve already done any tips? My sister was saying how at her school when teachers put short answers worth 5-10 marks most people in her class failed which is giving me even more anxiety. I wish I had more time to study for this exam but literally I had another exam the day before, I had two assignments and a quiz to complete the week before including one for the class I just did the exam for. So technically I really only had maybe two days to study for this exam

I have the ability to look up the past and if there are past questions for the person posting although that is done by the advicenator site, and I have no idea who you are, you are still anonymous as I am.

What I see is that I answered the most recent one about parents controlling your money and also another about thinking you had a disorder since you are extremely fearful. Based on your other question, I am starting to see a pattern. You have the stress in each case and I believe it is due to fear, an unnatural fear or worry. You have worried about bad things happening to you, and I'll bet now that it is fear that caused you to not stand up to your parents, you are afraid of them so whatever Mom asked, you did, including handing over your debit card. Now you can't let go of how you feel about not having understood some of the questions and the lower but passing grade. Are you seeing how you are allowing worry or fear to run your life? Fear is an emotion. And emotions are created by our thoughts and experiences. YOu are an adult dear, you need to start trying to figure out what to do instead of just letting your thoughts run wild and cause you to feel badly, upset or defeated. Are you afraid the same thing will happen on the next test, where you might mess up again on the questions you didn't get right? Do you even know, can you explain to me if you were sitting in front of me, what the purpose of a test is in education? If you don't know, how can you find out? What ever are you thinking, I hope you decided on the easiest and faster avenue, go to the internet. I already know the answer and want you to know that it can be found. So I put in this phrase for a search 'Purpose of a test in education' and up comes the following:

https://www.answers.com/Q/Purpose_of_the_test_in_education

So you see that for you, a test is simply to show what you have learned and what you struggle with. That way, if you don't know and guess, or don't understand a question, the test will show it. IF all the studenta had the same troubles and same lower grades, then it reflects back on the teacher and how they are not doing a good job of teaching but you already know that is not the case.

So when you don't understand something in class while the teacher is talking and need clarification to understand, what should a student do? Its pretty simple. YOu know this one . . . you ask the teacher. I'll bet that for each time one student asks a question of the teacher, that a handful of others also didn't understand but were to scared to ask because they were worried what others would think of them if they asked. I know because I was shy in school and with social anxiety, it was even harder to ask for help. However in HS, I was placed in a slow learners class for Algebra. The entire class was made up of kids who struggled with it. No one ever asked the teacher. When I couldn't understand a question or how to get the answer while we were studying in class, I got up and went to the teachers desk and asked him. The poor man was patient and tried to reword it at least three different ways and asked if I now understood and I still didn't. I felt bad for him that no matter what he tried, I didn't get, and I still dont get that stuff today, decades later. But it didn't hold me back from enjoying life. I discovered I had strengths in other areas and that was good enough for me.

So next time you are doing a test, and you don't understand the question,, you know teacher can't lead you to the correct answer, but if you don't understand the question, its a given you will get it wrong. If you are pretty sure but not totally, like you wouldn't bet your life on it, so if you lose you truly are put to death, if there is such a question, don't make your best guess as to what it means. FOr many, our minds think and reason differently and a good example is some of the funny stuff posted on Facebook of kids wrong but correct answers. I mean they didn't answer as they were supposed to but their creative answer was not wrong. Example: Where was the Declaration of Independance signed? The kid didn't answer with the location, like the city or state but answered, 'at the bottom'. And that is true, it was signed at the bottom. For that kid, the question would have had to be At what location was the Declaration of Independance signed? Some minds will perceive a question one way while others, a different way. There is nothing wrong with that, No two people are going to be exactly alike in how they understand a question, especially when something is implied as in the first question or explicated spelled out as I offered.
So for any other tests ever in your lifetime, when you don't understand the question, what are you going to do? Make your best guess, or ask the teacher to reword the question or explain the question. It would be okay to ask if it was one total answer of should it be in three parts. I'll bet if u did that you would have done better.

As for your fears, I suggest you see a psychologist who is trained in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, its non medicinal and targets the source of your issues, your thoughts and helps you to overcome whatever problems you have by simply correcting how you think. I highly recommend this. As a college student, even though an adult, you still qualify to be on parents insurance simply because you are in school. If you quit or graduate, you can no longer be covered, Check with insurance is psychologists are covered and if so, find one who is trained in CBT.

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Hi,

I need some advice on my current situation. Next school year I am living with a girl (this upcoming june the lease starts) I am going to be living with my friend group and this girl I hate, lets call her sara. Sara is very egotistical and constant bragging about herself. She is an extreme control freak and thinks she is always right. She is also very manipulative and I recently found at she has been saying really mean things about my appearance and intelligence (she is not herself in anyway perfect either). After finding this out I couldn’t imagine having to speak to her ever again, she is abroad with my best friend so I haven’t confronted her about it in order to protect my friend.Myself and my friend both do not like sara. She has not signed the lease on the house because she refused to. I am not sure how to approach getting her to leave the house because I am horrified of her but l know living with her will be miserable. One of the 6 girls that will be living in the house, although doesn’t know sara well likes her, the rest do not know her well but fear her. Please help. I feel bad and afraid about trying to get her to leave. I just don’t know how to confront her due to her personality and behavior.

If she won't sign a lease, she has no legal right to demand that she can live with you all. Also, as you said, only 1 of 6 girls likes her. I assume you are counting yourself as one of the six. That would mean other than Sara, 5 can decide whether she stays or never lives there. That means it will be Four against one in favor of her not staying. She sounds like a person who forced herself upon the rest of you, because she was wanting friends but has no idea how to be a friend or friendly. So she may not have many, or any friends because of what she's like. This is my guess as I have heard this scenario many times before. The reason she is part of your friend group, even though she is technically not a friend, is because every one else had backbone and said, go away, leave us alone, I don't want to associate with you. A nicer way would be to say, we don't have anything much in common with you so we don't want to hang out with you any longer. It's possible you are exaggerating how bad she is. But I don't think so if you sought out an advice column for this.

Believe me, I understand this very well. Hubby and I have decided to live out of our van to save on expensive rents. There really is no place we could afford unless both of us worked two jobs which is ridiculous since in a handful of years we will retire and be in a worse spot. So we tend to run into a lot of homeless people living out of their vehicles. Its like we are the lantern and they are the moths because they all seem to be attracted to us and force theirselves on us and call us theier friends. Some have social disabiliites and after a while with no break from them, as they know the usual places they can find us, it gets tiring. One guy was always scheming, asking to borrow money, get rides to places. We tend to be kind and will do so a couple times but then we get taken advantage of and are at the point we have to tell the person we no longer want anything to do with them. The one guy is an ex-felon and he would drive around the area looking for our van and then knock on the windows, months after hubby told him on the phone we never want to see him again and we had to threaten to call the police. He left but after we had called and the police said that there is such a thing as being able to file a nuisance complaint against a person and if they come within a certain amount of distance from you, you can call the cops and they will come and get them.
He knows this now and has stayed away. Sometimes it takes a drastic measure like this if telling a person that you no longer want to associate with them but they ignore you.

So I recommend that all of you talk when Sara is not around. Remember, you have the law on your side if she becomes nasty and vindictive. I know you said the others are afraid of her. Although I am in the dark as to why. What hold does she have over you. Does she know some things about each of you that you don't want known and she'd blackmail you to allow her to stay or blurt out all this stuff and get you all in big trouble? If she has nothing on any of you, there is no need to worry. You 5 only need to agree that if a 6 th person is needed to help cover rent, that you all start advertising that and getting someone else and tell Sara you all voted and she is out because she just doesn't fit in. If you all say nothing, guess what happens when its time to study hard for tests, and such, you will all be too miserable to be able to concentrate when there is no peace at home. Are all of you going to travel to separate coffee houses to try to get studying done and hope she doesn't follow you like a lost puppy that has an unpredictable side and bites? Home should be a safe harmonious place. Many people though grow up in homes that are not like that, I know. But as young adults, you don't have to put up with that and can decide to do your best to have a happy friendly place for home. It will not be that if she lives with you. This confrontation must happen so she knows she is out, and you can tell her that her refusing to sign the lease is an issue but not the main reason why you all don't want to live with her. Love yourselves enough to not subject yourselves to living with someone who doesn't treat you right. I lived just shy of 30 years with ex husband who was verbally abusive. Finally God got through to me, saying I had a choice. He knew I was a nice person, the peace maker, so I put up with a lot but the stress wore on my physical health. So maybe you can handle a month or two but as time goes on, the stress of living with someone who is not nice to you will have its effect on each of you. Stress has to go somewhere and it will...either emotionally or physically. For me, I can tell you that daily headaches were my most common physical symptom from stress with about 3 migraines per year. As time went on, I got itchy stress rashs over most my body that came and went and came back gain, I got ulcers in the stomach. The next biggies I didn't want to wait for are Cancer and Heart issues, both which can be caused by stress. My Mom got cancer from a stressful 2nd marriage and died. I didn' want to end up like that. I left him. Five of you can not leave the place you are going to rent. Find another person who is much nicer and looking for a place to live who will sign the lease and be dependable as well.

what I don't understand is your friend traveling abroad with Sara if she doesn't like her. My guess, she was too scared to say, I want to go by myself and don't want you to tag along. If all of you don't learn to grow some balls to stand up to her, then you will have a life like this till the day you all die because there are plenty of people in the world who look for the wimpy, shy, scared people who will not stand up to them. Why would Sara choose to hang out with people who make life miserable for her because they won't put up with her personality and behavior and don't consider her a friend.
I went looking for back up on what I am saying and found it here so read this:
https://pairedlife.com/etiquette/How-To-Avoid-People-That-Throw-Themselves-At-You

As the writer says, the actions of the unwanted person who forced themselves on others, should throw up red flags. This type of person will continue to do so until they are confronted.

I like this part: "Particularly if you share walls or floors with the offender in an apartment, townhouse, or condo building, how you handle these types of offenses is very important. It's always best to attempt at least one or two honest and tactful discussions about your boundaries and what is causing you stress or inconvenience. Any adult that truly gives a hoot will hear you out and make an effort. Those that don't can and should suffer a taste of their own medicine or be ignored in my humble opinion."

Now I hope you caught that her recommendation is for after you end up with a person like Sara simply as a neighbor in the apartment building, the next door house, and so on. She doesn't even cover willingly allowin such a person to live in the same living space. YOu will understand if you have read her story. She is talking about the stress already of just a neighbor you share a wall with in a condo or apartment or the same floor in a building. You know that woman would never consider what the group of you are doing which is simply not speaking up and allowing her to have her way and force her presence on you all and actually living with you, not next door or in the same building but in the same place as you. I hope you see how crazy this is, to know you are allowing her to invite herself to be part of this. The stress of thinking ahead to living with her has already caused you to write here for help.
The writer said a couple times that you have nothing to feel guilty about in confronting such a person because they are in the wrong and you have the right to say you don't want to associate with them. It will be easier if all of you do it together for moral support and let her know that if she ever dares to approach any of you again, that all of you will go to the local courthouse and file a nuisance order on her so she can no longer come around unless she wants to be picked up by the police and go to jail if she continues to break that nuisance order. This works like a restraining order where a woman is being harassed by a man who stalks her or a previous BF or husband who has beaten her and she is afraid for her life. You are adults and can't wait for someone older to bail you out of this situation and handle it for you. I know its hard to do the first time but it will get easier and it is part of learning how to do things an adult needs to do sometimes. Pretty much most the people I know have at least once in their life had someone force themselves on as a 'so called friend' when they were not wanted at all. Lastly, in case you have warped ideas of what a friend is, a friend would not talk behind your back, despise you or talk badly about you. A friend is sweet,, encouraging, supportive of your talents and goals, gives you compliments and listens to you when you have issues and need someone to listen, etc. So without having met Sara, I can tell you that she is not a friend. She is more like a leech who forced her presence on you.

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Last week, I attempted to open a business checking account with a local bank. I was informed that another bank had in some fashion frozen my ability to do so over a claimed debt of ~$200 USD. While I had once (over 10 years ago) had an account with this other bank, and never closed it, I have not used it in over 10 years. I never once received any communication from this bank that there was a problem. I contacted this bank & was told that the debt was in their computer, but they didn't have any information on the debt, only that their computer says it exists. IF I owe this money, fine, but without any information or proof of the legitimacy of the debt, I have a problem with it. If it's legitimate, it seems they should be able to provide information on it. I told them I wished to formally dispute the legitimacy of the debt. They're assuring me that it's legitimate, are refusing to investigate or provide proof because they can't, they've "upgraded their software, and the new platform doesn't have the information from the old one". Well, my computer says they owe me $20 million... anyone with a legal background have advice on how to dispute this claimed debt when the bank making the claim refuses to cooperate?

I don't have a legal background but the only thing that occurred to me as I read, is that some banks will continue to charge month fees simply because an account is open, no matter what amount is in it, even if it is empty. So I would ask what the monthly fees are for an account there. You might just ask over the phone and not mention your name, just get that amount, and for ten years, that 120 months. So the fee may be very small per month but could add up. You might want to read any paperwork and agreement if you have any from the old bank when you signed up. They may not question that fact that the account is still open but no money in it ever in 10 years. This makes me wonder what a bank does if someone without relatives has died and they don't know and the empty account stays open for decades? YOu would think they'd question it.

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This is... definitely going to sound dramatic, but I’d really like to get different point of views and advice on this.

I am a girl, almost 19. I feel like the older I get the more I despise being female. I’ve struggled with dysphoria since I hit puberty, but I’m not transgender. It’s weird. The older I get and the more I mesh into adult society, the more I feel like my existence is a complete burden and I wish I could’ve been born a man. I hate sobbing over nothing, bleeding, getting creeped on and grabbed, and being weaker.

I tried having a conversation about this with my dad, and he doesn’t really get it. He’s never wished to be the opposite gender, and asked me if being female really felt like a curse. I said yes. It truly feels like I’m being punished, like if I figure out what I did wrong I might get some peace.Has anybody else felt this way about their sex? Id appreciate any advice on coping with it or making it better. Thank you guys

So you have gender dysphoria. I am not really familiar with it. But I do get that you don't feel you were born in the wrong body, just that you don't like being the female sex. I do not know of any medical reason for feeling this way. But I can take an educated guess and go out on a limb. I am a Spiritual person, started off as Christian but have come to accept some things that Christianity doesn't. NO wait, I am not going to preach here. Just share my own personal experience in hopes that hearing what I say might make sense in your mind and make it possible for you to find a way to live out this life as successfully as you can. You may not believe in what I have to say but it is the only thing I can think to share and I instinctfully feel strongly that I should.

My story: I'd have to say this started as a teen, when at odd times, my subconscious mind would alert me that I was standing like a man or walking like a man. I am female, so I would change my position, but I never understood it. Later I read books of those who died in Hospital but were revived and their stories of what they learned while on the other side. About that time, I believe I heard God ask me if I would believe that reincarnation was for real. I knew that wasn't my own mind saying things and it actually made sense now, a part in one book where a woman told how while her heart had s topped she was on the other side and told and shown things so she could share with others. The one thing that was eye opening and reincarnation made sense now, was her telling how after we pass on, a soul gets recuperation time first and later when it is time to be born into another life, they get to choose the sex they will be and who the parents are. Based on what experiences or things a soul wants to learn in the next life, they get a few options of family situations where it will be possible to go through the changes if they so choose once in a body again. However we won't remember past lives or that we choose the life we were born into. Another thing she told is that most souls have a preferance for being born into one sex or another. So one who is usually born as one sex will switch it up a few times to be born the opposite sex.

Now I share from my time as a Christian, being gay was wrong in their eyes so would transgender or what you feel. I struggled with repetitive dreams that were always the same, I was a big hefty warrior type of man but in the house i grew up in. There was a hoard of bad men trying to get inside as the back door to harm my family. Problem was, as dreams go, the door was a bit smaller than the door frame and we couldn't lock it, so eventually the bad guys came stumbling in and I would grab them and snap their necks as if I was snapping a toothpick...easy peasy. I also had dreams in which I was a male making love to a woman. Both dreams freaked me out because of 'Thou shalt not kill' and the fact I am truly a female but dreaming I was a male? Did this mean I was transgeder or messed up somehow. I was in my late thirties when I learned of reincarnation and read the one book of many but the most profound to me. So I asked God what was up. The answer I got was that I am a soul who prefers being female but have been born as a male by my choice enough times for my soul to remember some things about being a male, like being strong, protecting family and interested in women for sex. He said if I could come to terms with the fact I had actually killed men in the past only to protect others, that I would no longer have those dreams. I agreed right then and there and never had those dreams again. I enjoy being female but at time I still feel like a male for brief moments. So my wild guess is that you are a reverse of me, a soul who spent most lifetimes as a male but as we are encouraged to do, choose some lifetimes where we are a female. SO here you are, resenting it now. Yup, its got to be a shock if deep down you spent most lives as a man. Of course you don't remember details, only feeling like being female is a curse. I am betting this was supposed to happen, that you would initially feel frustrated as a female, feel its a curse. As soon as I believed I had chosen my current life, every time some hardship came along, hurtles to go over, I have repeated told myself, this is the life you chose on purpose to learn something. Maybe not to even improve ones soul but to know what it is like for other females.

So if you can accept these thoughts, and decide that you will use your life to find ways to make life for other females improved in some way, then you will find purpose and it should't feel like a curse but a mission you are on, to help bring some change to your circle of influence, maybe even something bigger, a changing of laws that helps women. Think of the women who fought for women to be able to vote. I'll bet there were some there whose souls used to be men. A man would not accept defeat but press on. You can do it dear. If you wish to talk more, just go to my column and write to me from there.

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I have been in a 15 year old relationship. My 54 year old husband has been caught doing many things that I have let go but eat away at me still. He went on a 7 day trip to Vegas Yesterday. The night before, he said suddenly at an odd time, I'm going to go the gym to get in one last workout. He was gone 2 hours.
Turns out he lied. He went to a relatives house and bought drugs (adderall). This is actually a shock because I didn't know he was doing this. (He swears this is the first time) I said why? He said he feels tired all the time and doesn't want to let his friends down as they are in a tournament after winning first place locally. I FREAKED. I am losing all feelings for him now. I resent him and his lies. He is a good man most of the time, excellent worker, dad, etc. But I am drained. Should I go?

I know how it feels to be lied to and a revelation you did not expect. Everything you thought you believed about something or someone, that all is consistently as portrayed, is not actually. I know I would be hurt that my partner would not turn to me when he was going through something whether major or minor. My ex was something like this. My second husband, not at all. I must caution you, I did everything to give the ex chances to get his life back on track, a new friend (ex counselor) noticed the husband had some kind of mental illness and that likely is what caused him to treat me terribly, abusively. I said I couldn't take much more as the stress was affecting my health so the friend talked to the husband, talking him into going to see a mental health specialist. It wasn't a good marriage to begin with, we were not compatible in many areas but I was willing to stay because of the kids. Then one day I heard him on the phone tell a friend that he was faking it all to keep me, that he knew there was nothing wrong with himself and he was doing this just to keep me from leaving him and actually once I was no longer going to the initial visits with him, he would pretend he was going but not really go. So when I heard that, I knew I had done everything. He had refused to go to couple counseling long before this point and kept telling me that I was the problem. You don't want to jump the gun here. I am not saying that leaving him right now should be your first choice. Instead, give him some chances. You can't drag him or force him to go to marriage counseling but I suggest trying. If he is willing to take to heart what you both learn in counseling, perhaps the marriage will improve and your love and bond be stronger than ever. You have kids you said. So you have to think of how it will affect them. In some cases, it is better for a woman to leave the man with her kids if the kids grow up with an abusive father who abuses the wife or all of them. That is not the case here.
My best guess? Plenty of Males have a trait they are born with to want to protect and take care of their family and any other obligations, like job, a team, etc. For some crazy reason, men feel they have to be strong always, can't feel weak, sick (my current husband has worked often when really sick) tired, or have something physically wrong, whether serious or something that comes with age for many like erectile dysfunction, problems with peeing, etc... I guess they feel it makes them look bad and that they;d be letting others down by admitting there is an issue rather than being able to face it, knowing they are human and have to take care of themselves. I tell my husband that such as 'You need to get more sleep as that is what helps you heal, or don't push yourself so hard. I love you and don't want my husband dying on me because he decided he didn't need to see a Dr or put it off too long. I think plenty of men are like this. The problem comes when they try to fix their situation by doing something unorthodox or not healthy. This is where your husband is at.
So the problems as I see it, he doesn't communicate with you or lean on you. When one is weak the other is strong and it goes back and forth for hubby and I. I believe that is one of the things that make a good marriage. He needs to be able to admit when he is having an issue instead of trying to fix it by doing something that can or will make his situation worse. Worse how? He may become so reliant on drugs to be able to be totally able to do all that is required of him that eventually what he is taking won't work and he goes on to stronger drugs and eventually becomes a drug addict. He may not be that yet but he is definitely on the wrong road here. If he is feeling tired all the time, he needs to have his Dr. check him out. What if its as simple as an iron deficiency or some vitamin or other supplement that he is low on? That can happen as we get older and he is 54 and this stuff can start even before his age, but usually in the 50s 60s.
The fact that he voluntarily and quickly said this was the first time is likely not true unless you asked him point blank if this was the first and only time he's done this. If he said he was feeling tired all the time, I hardly think a person would turn to taking a drug not prescribed to them after only a few days of feeling tired. The tiredness has likely been around a bit longer and like a guy, they brush off stuff that would have a female going in for a check up.
It is possible he has this problem due to what he eats and how he eats. It is well known that a body can become addicted to sugar and the sugar we get as our bodies turn carbs into sugar. When sugar in the system runs low, and sugar acts like a drug, you will go through withdrawals which from my personal experience is feeling weak, shaky, tired. I am a person always moving and on the go and I know I have stubbornly worked through whatever project I was busy at, delaying my eating so I will get like this. NOw that I am older, sugar is definitely my enemy. The moment I have eaten too much sugary stuff, and there is hidden sugar in all processed foods, even plain yogurt I bought yesterday had a small amount. He may have been taking energy drinks which are mostly a combo of caffiene and sugar to give a boost of energy. This is very unhealthy. A young man came to my register buying two energy drinks. this man did not need any energy, he was in the 'bouncing off the walls' state. Very jittery, short tempered, he had to keep moving as I was ringing up his stuff and so he kept pounding his fist on surface of the counter and rocking around a bit and couldn't make eye contact as I told him his total. It took 3 tries to get through to him that I was asking for payment. Then he practically flung a couple bills at me. No one says it is bad for you. There are many things on the market approved by the FDA simply because there are no short term adverse effects or death from a food or drink. But there are plenty of tests done by Universities, and scientists and other groups who have proof that the long term effects of some things we take in every day or fairly often, can and will eventually affect a good chunk of people with a deadly disease. Diabetes is one, cancer and heart issues are others. I guess the FDA figures that by time the effects begin to show, a person will be old and their time to pass on will coincide with this. Not so. Something is obviously causing your husband to feel no energy so something about his lifestyle needs to change when it is discovered what is causing the problem.

I suggest asking him to see his Dr. AND also to start going to marriage counseling. His issue is more than just a medical one. He may be married but isn't confiding in you and making decisions on everything together with you. That is what has hurt you the most and made you so upset that you don't feel the love for him. Unless you haven't felt love for him in a longer time, then my guess is you only don't feel it right now due to how he has left you out of whats going on, acting more like a single person who can do whatever they want and it won't affect a girlfriend, wife, or kids. He wouldn't be the only one doing that but it is not healthy for a relationship and that alone should require seeing someone professional who can help you both pin point what the actual underlying are that cause any problems in the marriage. As you said, he is a good man. Hopefully he is good enough to realize he doesn't have a choice, he and you need to go to counseling and he needs to see the Dr. If he refuses, then my suggestion is giving an ultimatum, that you are serious enough about this all that if he refuses, you will separate and if he still doesn't come around in a reasonable time, only then go for a divorce.

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So my dad won't let me do as much as my younger brother because, sadly I was born a girl. He thinks I'm going to get raped, or kiss a boy, so I can't hang out with boys. My brother can hang out with girls though,and he doesn't have a dress code or has to stay home for baseball games or anything like that. My dad is also thinking about homeschooling me! I need help please 😥😥

Since I don't know your age dear, I don't know what to say. What I can say is that someday, when you are a parent of a girl yourself, you will understand the fears Dad has. What about how Mom feels? Thats if you have one...both parents should be making decisions together, not Dad overriding what Mom thinks or feels and telling her how its going to be. That is dictatorship. So talk to Mom and let her know how you feel. Or talk to a female relative.

But first, I will share what I believe is appropriate for any age a girl may be, pre teen and High school age. I raised 3 daughters and I am a Mom. Even I had concern over my daughters safety.
It is much easier for a girl to be raped or overpowered. I know your Dad is looking at this through a males eyes, and he knows how horny young men can be because he used to be one and the simple fact is that you don't have to dress sexy or seductive or inappropriate for your age for a young guy to ogle you, make inappropriate sexual comments or to pretend he's just a friend and get you alone to force you to do something you don't want. So I understand why he feels that way. However, a parent needs to walk a fine line and teach cautiousness and do what is right as a parent to make sure you are safe but also not cloistered away like a nun. You should be able to attend school, have male friends, but maybe not a 'boyfriend' meaning someone you date. I was pretty plain with my daughters and they knew they could discuss anything with me without my flying off the handle. From a young age, if they wanted to go to a friends house after school, I would walk over with the kid to meet her parent. One had a single dad only and I had to feel safe that the Dad was an honorable man and would not act the pedophile and go after my daughter. I would meet the parents and try to catch them at odd times, dropping by to see that instead their home was a good safe one. One time we walked around the corner to meet the parents of a couple twins who wanted my daughter over and there were drug addicts all over the floor sleeping and Mom half out of it on the couch. I told my daughter she could never go over there but they were welcome at our house.

When they were older, I had the talk about boys. First, I said that I had no problems with them having Male friends, just like female friends come over to our home. I said it was a good way to know she was safe, get to know the character of the guy and when he's in her room hanging out, the bedroom door had to be open. I don't know if Your Dad hasn't thought of this or whether he is unreasonably scared and subsequently curbing your social life because of it. When no guys ever came to our house except one guy once for a Birthday party, I asked why. The girls said they invited guy friends at school but not one took us up on visiting. I think they felt intimidated. But I know of people for whom this strategy worked great and one example is my own niece. My sister let her have any friends over she wished, girls and guys and that house became a teen hangout, safe place for girls who were abused at home, and guys who were friends.
When my girls entered HS, I asked them to watch the popular girls who always had a new boyfriend becauese at their age, relationships don't last long. I said it would be emotional to get dumped by a guy and watch to see how it affects those girls grades at school and report back to me. All of them saw girls whose grades got real bad, who couldn't focus on learning and only wanted to kiss guys in hallways and skip class to be with their guy. I told them, this is a main reason I wished them to wait until they graduated HS to date but they could have male friends. In fact, it is a healthy thing for a guy or girl to have a friend of the opposite sex simply because the opposite sex can be hard to understand because even just in how we think or come to conclusions, guys and girls are very different. It is better to learn from a male friend how to talk to guys and understand natural instincts that are part of that sex so there are no misunderstanding and many break ups once you are a young adult looking for your true love. There are people who are so crippled and have never learned that they make the same relationship mistakes over and over. They end up in their 30s or 40 with no one and a long string of crash and burn relationships behind them. Another thing I can share is that for an adult couple, depending on whether there is the right chemistry for feelings of love, only when there is that chemistry, will there be love and romance, but both also should have great friendship between the two. This part has nothing to do with sex. This is why it is good to learn how to be friends with a guy because a marriage should be built on a foundation of both friendship and enough chemistry for the romance and more. I am remarried. The first time around, I married at 20, and I had no experience with understanding guys or even just having friends, not because I wasn't allowed but due to severe social anxiety, so I only had a few girlfriends. I knew nothing when I married and he ended up being abusive and also having some mental disorders. So if your Dad thinks he is protecting you now with extreme measures instead of teaching you how to be cautious and when you can or can't trust a guy, etc. you are not going to learn anything as my daughters did. They all decided guys were okay but they all chose to wait until they graduated to date and have sex knowing that if by some chance they did meet a decent guy who did spend lots of time with our family so we got to know him, we would have let a daughter date a guy we met and knew and trusted. Trust takes time as your parents know, its not instant so the condition of having a male friend over often is a pretty good one. I did not come up with it on my own but through watching other parents successfully do this. Lastly, though I hate to make your parents feel bad that another parent is involved in giving advice on this situation, even though I am anonymous and don't know you or them, it is hard for an adult to hear suggestions from another adult. But I am sharing this all in hopes you have an aunt or grandma, someone who could read this and if they agree, then as a loved relative and blood relation, if they are willing to speak with your Dad about this there is a better chance of Dad giving this some thought and actually agreeing to you having male friends, not boyfriends and those male friends only allowed to hang out at your house, not you at his in case his parents are not home. As I said before, you will understand once a MOm, why even I did not rule out something going sideways as far as my daughters safety is concerned. I hope this will help you somehow. Share this response of mine with an adult relative who might speak up for you.

Lastly, some parents try to shield their children too much from everything, not allowing them as teens to start having some responsibility and the okay to make some decisions on their own and learning life skills. The result is colleges offering classes to teach young adults how to be an adult because they were too sheltered or not allowing to do anything at home, the parent doing stuff first cus they can do it faster and better and didn't want to be bothered to work with a child training them patiently until they got something. These college classes teach basics like balancing a bank account, shopping for and cooking food, how to do your laundry. YOu can't be told to do the laundry as a chore without a parent watching you each time to make sure you understand about not mixing certain colors, checking all pockets for odd items, etc. This is how a crayon in a pocket melted and the wax ruined everything in the dryer. That happened to a friend of mine.

Homeschooling should not be done as an odd attempt to shelter you from the world, because at 18 you are legally an adult but if crippled by not having been allowed to go shopping on your own, or do other things on your own as many people do every day, you will have no clue and be terrified of what will happen if you have no friends, are thrust into a job or school and have no idea how to socialize or even speak to people, etc. My anxiety alone was enough that I knew it would cripple me in my adult life so my last year in HS, I sought out a way to be cured of my anxieties and I was cured. Being hidden at home, not allowed to learn to drive so a parent always has to take you places, (this happened to several 20 something girls who wrote to me) is not healthy. YOur Dad meaning well, could very well be setting you up to make grievious mistakes once you are out on your own and you end up being very hurt, mistreated, maybe raped or worst of all killed. And then Dad would have the guilt of that weighing on his mind for the rest of his life. I know this sounds drastic and like I am exaggerating, but he is not the one running an advice column and hearing from those 18 or older whose parents still don't let them drive or date. Some are in the range of 26 to 29 years old and that is definitely ridiculous at that point. I wish you the best.

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Hi! So I would just like some feedback on my current situation. Im 26 he’s 26. About two years ago I matched with this guy on bumble we really hit it off. The first time we hung out I went over his house we didn’t hook up we just enjoyed our time together. Months go by and we will Snapchat here and there but that’s it. It’s mostly sexting. We ended up hooking up one New Years and it was literally the best sex I ever had. When we are together it is this amazing bond and it’s great but once I leave his house it’s like I don’t exist again. I told one of my friends obviously on how much I like this guy and she went and followed him on instagram and now they like each other’s pics constantly. I tried expressing my concerns to her on how I didn’t like how she followed him and if she could unfollow him. I’m insecure about this because my friends current boyfriend is someone I hooked up with. We are over that now but she told I worry too much it’s literally Instagram and she follows him because she wants to and she won’t unfollow him. So anyway Last December he reached out to me telling me he is talking to someone and our relationship has to be platonic. So basically what? Keeping me on the back burner? I get SO excited when he snaps me or reaches out to me. I wished him best of luck and whatever. Until recently he reached out to me saying how he misses me and why don’t we talk anymore and whatever. Pretty sure he was still seeing this girl. I noticed he unfollowed my friend on Instagram which made me wonder why?? She still follows him. We talked for about a month and finally hooked up the other day. The sex was just so amazing. He was telling me how his d*ck is mine and how it always has been. I didn’t ask if he was still with that girl or what. And now it’s like I don’t exist again where he doesn’t talk to me or ignores me or whatever. I know I deserve better but he blames it on working so much he doesn’t have time for me. But it’s like you have time for this other girl why don’t you have time for me? I wish I could let him go but I really feel like he does have feelings for me too.

If you feel he has feelings for you and you believe those feelings to be love, then check out this test I found on the web years ago and added some of my own stuff to clarify. A guy wrote it for females to be able to really know if a guy loves them. Here it is:
DOES HE LOVE ME?

Either he's doing a bad job of showing it to you or you are doing a bad job of picking up on the signals.
Why some relationships aren't working in a nut shell:
Some women give their love and devotion to a guy who doesn't deserve it, who is wrong for her
while others no matter how plain and simple the signs are of his love and devotion, they don't see it or trust it because of lack of self confidence.

1 A woman's insecurity and neediness will kill a man's love
Do you love me, do you love me? No matter what he says or does, she never believes him, even if he's never done anything to earn her distrust.
2 It's impossible to love others and be loved by others unless you love yourself first.
Don't look to a man for all your self esteem and self worth. Have it already before relationship..
3. Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women translate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

I already know he fails at number two from what you said because when a man is very interested in a woman for the whole package, not just sex, he will make time for her, in fact she will be on his mind constantly, every day, several times a day, and not just about memories of fun in bed. He will rearrange his priorities so she can be one of the top three where the other is his job or school, and often its a sport team or his buddies that come in third. You said he blames the inconsistency of seeing you on too much work. Might I suggest that isn't quite true. Perhaps he is a work-a-holic and CHOOSES to work extra long and more often. If he isn't working 2 jobs just to make ends meet on his budget, then a man will always find time to be with the woman he loves. I understand what you said about times hanging out with no sex before you hooked up, but many men will take the time to work with a girl to fake her into thinking he is really into her, wants her in his life, maybe for a long term or life long relationship when all they feel is lust, not love.
Hey, I like good sex too and I know what you mean about the great connection. When dating, I had sex with some of the guys and there were a couple I felt something beyond the sex, like a special energy that I asked and he felt too. I knew I wanted that in the next man I married. I was divorced from my first husband. And yes, I found the man I wanted. I had criteria he had to meet, met on Plenty of Fish which I believe has changed lots since then but it is internet dating. We used it only as a tool to learn of each others existence and met in person ASAP. I am telling you about him because of the work issue your guy supposedly has. My husband (I married him) had a teen daughter living with him and was divorced as well. He knew what he wanted, a spiritual woman and one who was his sexual equal. I understood that as my first husband and I were terribly mismatched in that area...it means I never had orgasms with him, I had a high libido and him a low one, and he confessed at the end he had never been in love with me and had turned my advances down quite often. So even though I am older, I am still active in that area and know how wonderful it can feel. Heck I felt some of this with other guys as far as the sex but something was lacking.

I can tell you what that is. Do you know the one thing that makes a difference between a friendship and a husband? Both need to have true friendship to survive but the mate for life partnership also has something that friendship doesn't, and that is the sexual desire, the romance, the love and the great connection in love making. The sad thing is that most married couple or long term dating partners have only one thing, just the friendship, or just the great sex but not both. YOu would think people wouldn't waste time on someone they didn't have both with but when I was young, I didn't know any better either, I married at 20. However, if you truly want to learn, you need to do so with women who are older and have a boyfriend/husband with whom they have both friendship and a lover. When a couple are just friends but have no sex anymore, they were never meant to marry because they weren't a good sexual match. So if one or both get the urge, they go looking for sex outside the marriage or partnership. If a couple has only great sex, then either they only have fun and get along while having sex, but otherwise, one is scarce and doesnt seem to care or if married and stuck with someone they feel no friendship or caring towards otherwise, they are constantly fighting and angry.

Sounds like you and this guy are a typical scenario of two people who have great sex but lack a true friendship. It could be even worse, in that you are nothing more than a booty call for him.

What you are looking for in a man is consistancy. I was and I got it because I turned down every guy who was inconsistant to what he portrayed himself to be, the good qualities I was looking for. Instead, many lied to me, had anger issues, were verbally abusive with others, not me yet, but like my first husband, it took a month into marriage before his true self showed and the abuse came forth. My second husband is consistent. If he makes a promise, he keeps it, never messing up even once.
Another thing to address is what he says to you. Words are cheap and easy to say but much harder to stick with upholding them. So he can say he missed you, because if he said he didn't miss you but would like to hook up, would you have? Guys will say what they think a gal wants to hear to get what they want. He may like aspects of your personality, or love some as my ex did, but that is not true love like being in love. I hoped this perspective helps you some.

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Hello. My name is Brian Hardy. I am twenty-six years old and I live in Danville, California. I am autistic and I suffer from anxiety. My anxiety is so high that I often annoy my parents. I would like to please discuss my anxiety and my worries in this letter. My parents are going to Wichita and Las Vegas in late April/early May to attend my cousin’s wedding. I cannot attend the wedding because I have class and I am in the process of graduating from community college. However, I am feeling anxious because I am going to be home alone for five days. Despite thIs, I am still looking forward to a weekend without my parents. Because I am autistic and suffer from anxiety issues, I easily become overwhelmed with anxiety. Now every moment of my life, I keep asking my parents questions about their upcoming trip. It is really starting to annoy my parents. What should I do to prevent myself from asking my parents these questions" I have been having arguments with my parents about he trip and I want it to stop. My parents are leaving for Wichita on April 26 and they will be stoping in Las Vegas for a layover on the way. Then the rehearsal dinner is on April 27 and the wedding is on April 28. Then on April 29, my parents will be flying to Las Vegas and they will be seeing a Bee Gees tribute band on April 30. Then my mother is coming home on May 1 and my father is coming home on May 5 because he is going to spend a few extra days in Las Vegas with some friends of his. So that means that I am going to be on my own for five days. I am feeling nervous because I am going to be on my own for five days and I keep feeling anxious about it. However, I have proved to my parents that I can manage on my own such as times when they go to Tahoe and San Diego, so it goes to show that I can manage well while my parents are out of town. I have some day trips planned while my parents are in Wichita. I am planning on going to San Francisco and Berkeley on April 26, I am planning on going to Monterey, San Jose, and Los Altos on April 27, and I am planning on going to Antioch for Sunday brunch on April 28. Then on April 29, I am going to be attending a poetry reading at the Town Hall Theatre in Lafayette. However, I am feeling worried that something bad is going to happen on these trips. For example, I was once harassed by a man on BART and my mother once had a bad experience riding on BART when we went to San Francisco to visit the Asian Art Museum. The thing is I am autistic and I do not drive, so I take Uber rides and public transportation to travel to places. On April 26, I am going to be taking the 21 bus from Danville to Walnut Creek and then I am going to take BART to San Francisco where I will have lunch at Schroeder’s Cafe and visit the Exploatorium. Then I am going to take the ferry from San Francisco to Berkeley where I will have dinner at Bay Grille and attend a concert at Fifth Street Farms. Then after the concert ends, I will take an Uber ride home. Then the next day, I am going to take an Uber ride from the Dublin BART station, take BART to Warm Springs/South Fremont, then take the 181 bus from Fremont to San Jose and transfer at Diridon Station where I will take the 55 bus to Monterey. Then I will visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium and take the 55 bus back to San Jose when I am done visiting the aquarium. Then I will meet my friend for dinner at Urfa Bistro in Los Altos and we will see Grapes of Wrath at the Bus Barn Theater. Then I will either take an Uber ride home or take BART back to Dublin. I do have a few worries: 1. I am fearful that I will run out of money, my phone will die, or I will get beat up. 2. I am fearful that I will receive a phone call from my parents while I am on my trips and they will punish me when I tell them where I am. 3. On April 27, I am going to be having dinner with my friend David in Los Altos. After dinner, we are going to see Grapes of Wrath at the Bus Barn Theater. However, David has sensory issues. Last month, we saw Shrek the Musical in Mountain View and the play was too loud for him, so he had to leave early. I am fearful that the same thing will happen again. What should I do about these fears that I have" Should I lie to my parents so I will not get into trouble" They say that I can do whatever I want on the weekend when they are out of town and that I am at an age when they do not have to punish me anymore. Although I would like to have fun, I do want to stay out of trouble. However, my parents want me to stay local, which is not my intention. I am considering not answering my parent’s phone calls when they call me while I am on my day trips. I am doing this because I do not want my parents to know where I am while I am on my day trios. I might call them on Monday night after they arrive in Las Vegas tell them what I did over the weekend, but I am considering up with a lie such as “I went to the movies”, “I went on a hike”, “I went out for ice cream”, or “I went out to lunch/dinner with a friend of mine.” Should I lie to my parents or tell them the truth when I call them" My younger brother attends the University of San Diego, so he is in San Diego for the majority of the year. He will not be attending the wedding because he also has class around that time. My brother has gone on many trips with his friends, roommate, and girlfriend. For his birthday last year, he saw Drake at the Staples Center in Los Angeles with his best friend. He has gone to many places for his trips including Los Angeles, Long Beach, Orange County, Joshua Tree National Park, Anza Borrego, Las Vegas, Havasu Falls in Arizona, Zion National Park in Utah, Yosemite National Park, Morro Bay, San Francisco, Santa Clara, Palo Alto, Carmel, and Sausalito. In 2017 and 2018, my brother had a summer internship at Nvidia in Santa Clara. From August 4-6, he stayed at his roommate’s house in Carmel Valley for the weekend. He drove from Santa Clara to Carmel Valley on August 4 and drove back to Danville on August 6. In August 2018, me and my parents went to Canada for ten days. My brother stayed home because he had to work. He did go to Berkeley, Santa Clara, and Palo Alto white me and my parents were in Canada and he managed well. He also managed well on his trips to all of these places that he visited. However, my brother is neurotypical and he has a car, which I lack. However, if my brother managed well on these trips, I can manage well too. My mother’s cousin Ferrell and his wife Molly live in Carmel Valley and my former neighbors Dave and Janet live in Pebble Beach. I am closer to Ferrell and Molly than I am closer to Dave and Janet. Me and my parents used to see Dave and Janet whenever we would go to Monterey, but eventually, the relationship faded out and we no longer socialize with them. Should I invite these people to meet up with me when i go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium" All of these people have been there before so they might say no. However, it might be nice if I invited Ferrel and Molly to go to the aquarium with me. However, I am feeling that if I text Ferrell and ask him to meet up with me in Monterey, he might forward the text message to my mother and she will find out that I went to Monterey without her knowledge. I would like to do my day trips, but I do want to stay out of trouble., My wellness counselor at Diablo Valley College has given me some tips while my parents are out of town such as always bring your cell phone charger with you, do not stare at strangers, do not tell people that your parents are out of town, and always leave the porch light on when you go out at night. I find these tips to be very helpful and I have written them down as a reminder for when the weekend comes. I could charge my phone at the restaurants or at the museums that I will visit, but I only have a limited time at both places. Another option would be to read a book while I am on the bus or on BART. I recently purchased a book about Aileen Wuornos (a serial killer who was arrested in 1991 and executed in 2002 for murdering seven men in Florida from 1989 to 1990.) The book is entitled “Lethal Intent” and it was written by a British author named Sue Russell. I am planning one heading the book while I am on BART or on the bus, but my parents fear that the book will give me nightmares. However, I have watched videos about serial killers such as Aileen Wuornos late at night and it does not bother me a bit. Plus I read a lot of scary stories, so I am used to them. So it goes to show that I can manage well from reading horror stories. Please let me know if you have a soution to my issues.

I used to have social anxiety. I don't know if the cure is different if one has Autism but for me it worked great. All your worries about what might happen while they are gone or while you travel are just that, worries, not a prediction of what will happen in your future. Some worry is normal but worrying about everything means that you simply never learned how to control your thoughts. I had the anxieties already as a young child and they got worse until finally in my last year of High school I was tired of being like that and wanted to be free of worry and confident and able to enjoy my life. I knew I would be an adult soon and adult life would be harder with my anxieties.

I will say that I am pretty sure this has nothing to do with being Autistic. I am not a Mental health Dr. but I have had family members with depression or other mental disabilities and so I became very familiar with the basics of how to get well. It is not something easy to do on your own and certainly you may not be cured in two weeks trying to help yourself over it, but if you like to read, I suggest buying some books to give you hope that there is a cure. The books are written by a psychologist David D. Burns and he at first was only giving medicine to people which doesn't cure, has side effects and only masks the problems, not curing them. With a non medical approach called CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, his most difficult patients were cured of depression, anxiety and other mental disabilities. Autism as far as I know has never been mentioned here because it is not a problem of how you process thoughts. If a persons thoughts are negative and distorted, there are ways to get better. One is stopping and catching each negative thought as it comes and telling yourself (actually its your subconscious mind listening as it needs to hear this) so tell yourself it has never happened before and so there is no reason to worry.

I have a link to what CBT is. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

And I suggest reading through the website of This Dr I mentioned.

here it is: https://feelinggood.com

This should give you hope that you can get over your worries and anxieties. His books are listed if you wish to read but I would suggest showing it to the parents when they get back and asking if you are on their insurance to be set up with a psychologist who deals with CBT, not any other as they don't have the training to actually help. Or, on your own, check what mental health Drs are covered by your medical insurance and call them all to see if they are trained in CBT. If someone wants to give you medications right at the beginning, something is wrong, don't waste your time going to them. According to Dr. Burns, 90% of people never end up needing medication and are healed. Those are good odds.

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Dear Reader,
Hi. I'm in middle school, and I'm the kind of student that usually gets good grades. We are about to get our 3rd-trimester process report card. I know what you might be thinking, "It's not even a real report card!". But my parents are really strict about my grades and education, so they might flip when they find out. I know my grades already, from PowerSchool (an online thing to check your current grades). I got an A, 2 B's, and 1 D. The D is my main problem!
Today, I had asked my mom something about my grades. Guess what she said? "If it's not an A, it's bad." But she doesn't seem to understand that a C is average, a B is above average, and an A is excellent. I'm not excellent in every way! Then I started panicking that she'll yell at me or something. Please help me! I'm very desperate for an answer!!

Hello dear

Sorry to hear your parents are such strict perfectionists. Its not your imagination since you checked and Mom said anything other than A is bad.
I think you should have a talk with your teachers after school until you;ve had a chance to tell each one exactly what you have told me. I am thinking back to when I was little and my own kids and teachers set meetings to meet with parents each night until they had talked to each one about how the child was doing. I don't know if schools still do this but it sounds like it would be a good thing for you if they do and knew of your situation ahead of time, before meeting your parents with you there. In case your school doesn't do this, I feel your teachers could sit as a team one night at school to meet with your parents to discuss your grades. It would be a great thing to have a team of people speaking up for you on all your grades and letting the parents know what can be done to get the grades up in the class with a D. The stress of trying to get all A's could cause you to have real problems with stress, depressions, panic attacks that become regular and getting worse grades in every subject than you had before. If there are school counselors, you might have them aware of this too and ask what they can do to help.
The world today for teens and preteens is scary and stressful enough without adding more from parents over something like this. But be honest with yourself, and if its not that your mind simply doesnt get the subject, for me it was Algebra. I was never good in math, no matter how hard I tried. It only closed off jobs like being a scientist or math teacher to me, as some examples. But my talents lie elsewhere and encouraging a person to study more at what they excell is a good thing. My math is good enough to be able to count out correct change as a cashier, see a discount for 75% off and be able to figure out what the price tag of an item is before i get to check out, and how to convert recipes to half of what asked for or double what is asked for, you know, the basic stuff the average person ends up dealing with in day to day life.
My kids went to a middle school of my choice, one that was attached to a grade school so the 7th and 8th graders were a smaller group. This meant teacher had more time for each of them and their standard was to be harder on the kids in middle school than necessary to help prepare them for HS so bad grades didn't bother them, just how hard the kids worked to get their grades. I remember meeting with a team of teachers of my middle daughter. Her grades were worse than yours and the teachers didn't want us to worry. Their biggest concern was her tendency to wait until the last minute or have her homework complete in her bag or folder and just fail to turn it in the next morning in class. They felt she was doing just great even with the lower grades because they were expecting closer to what a HS might expect for new students. And it worked, she did great in HS, not all A's but it helped and having parents and teachers who didn't harp on her all the time or put unrealistic expectations on her, is also what helped her to do good.
If you have a relative you are close to who do not feel like your parents, you could always find a way to talk to them and tell your story and ask if they could say anything to help you out. YOur parents mean well. But all parents make mistakes in raising their kids and I did too. But a parent who can realize when another adult tells them to try going at this differently and being okay with B's and occasional C's that they have been doing his wrong and correcting how they parent you is a good thing but not everyone will respond this way.
If nothing good happens and this continues or gets worse by time you are in high school, and you are being affected mentally, emotionally and getting worse grades due to the stress, feel like self harming or thoughts of suicide which many have done over stuff like this, then you need to ask school counselor to put you in touch with a counselor who works with teens and once you are seeing one, they will want to meet and talk to your parents if they are the lone cause of your stress.

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I'm a late-30s woman with an unsuccessful dating history. I've been seeing a man for two months that I was initially THRILLED about - he's age-appropriate (early 40s), fun, sweet, silly and handsome. But only 8 weeks into things, he has begun canceling plans often - four or five times in just the last few weeks. It's really bothering me.

He always has a legitimate excuse for cancelling - a bad cold that came on suddenly, an old friend popping into town, forgetting about tax day, etc. When we're together it feels wonderful and authentic - I don't doubt his affection! But his flakiness means we only see each other once a week, at the most. I'm almost 40 and lonely - I'm looking for something serious, not someone I see every 10 days.

We are dating exclusively and I have met some of his family. He talks about the future with me, and says he wants a wife and kids. But his actions speak differently. I find myself worried about whether there is something going on that he isn't sharing with me. And the more I worry and feel rejected, the more my own excitement about the relationship is starting to fade away.

I've brought up my concerns with him twice already. He was defensive both times, reminding me that all his excuses are legit and that he really likes me. He says I shouldn't be dumping on our wonderful new relationship. I certainly can't bring it up again, so I just sit alone with my feelings. I can't shake this sinking feeling and this disappointment. I thought this relationship had SO much potential, but now I'm seeing red flags everywhere.

Am I being oversensitive? Are these REALLY red flags, or am I imagining offenses based on my own baggage? (Guys have lied to me and ghosted me a million times before.) Should I give up on this guy and cut my losses, or keep trying to work through it? I hate wasting my time at this age. I feel totally confused and crazy and I have no one to talk to about it.

Thank you for answering. I really need help.

You shouldn't have to feel you are wasting your time. As you said, at your age, you want to find someone to be with the rest of your life, not dally around 10 years waiting for him.

As to there being red flags, if he has real excuses, then he isn't lying. However a man who loves a woman, and it has to be love if he wants a wife, such a man would have the woman he loves be one of his top three priorities. I got that from a guy who gave dating advice to women regarding how to know when a guy loves them. Based on some of the things he said, plus some things I have learned as well, I have a list of questions to ask yourself about him. The amount of questions you can answer are true for you, are only 7 in number and one tally for true is that he does love you enough to make it work for him but it may not be enough for you. Those totals were totally from this guy. And it makes sense. The guy might be nice but if he doesn't meet some criteria you have of whats important to you, and he doesn't match up to a 10 for you, then a 7 or 8 will always have you feeling you settled for less. He will be happy and you will be miserable. My red flag of your situation is him wanting kids at this point in life. This would mean that he has been a bachelor all this time and has never had kids before, or he is divorced, has an ex and has kids. And if he has kids, why would he want more? If he's never been a husband or father, what proof is there that he would make a good one? You would need to spend lots of time with him to get to know him well enough to make that judgement call. Once or twice a week is not going to cut it for getting to really know him, and I mean the kind of knowing a person that you have when you live with them before marriage. Its harder to hide ones imperfections. they may be minor or major ones and that is something too easy to hide from someone you date and see once or twice a week. So I see it as entirely crucial for you to have someone you can be with way more than what you have now. If you say something about this, he could fake it and pretend he has time for you, long enough to get a ring on your finger and then lapse back into his old self. I have seen this happen of both sides, people pretending to be something their partner needs and wants simply to get them and once caught, they go back to who they really are because the stress of putting up an act takes too much personal energy. Most people show their real self within anywhere from 3rd date (this happened to me after a divorce) to a month later,(1st husband, became verbally abusive one month after our wedding, or it can be stretched out to a few months if the people don't see each other often enough.

Since you mentioned a bad dating past, perhaps you haven't come across the right information yet and believe me, if it was out there for me to find, I would have left my ex sooner. So I will share stuff I learned second time around in dating as an older person in late forties after a divorce and what God asked me to do to prove He could help me find the right guy for me. After a marriage to someone who was able to admit to the counselor that he had never been in love with me, only loved a few aspects about me, i wanted a man who would never be able to get enough of being with me, was in love with me and it only grew more intense, and we were each others best friend and also terrific choices for a lover. at my late forties, I certainly didn't want to waste time, so the document I will share next might sound a bit drastic and there will be men who complain and whine or get angry but i stuck to what I wanted instead of settling for less as they hoped to trick me into. At the end, I will also post the questions for finding out how much the current man loves you.

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, then on a date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you.

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you, your needs and wishes a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

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I have this one guy friend I hang out with a ton. I have a lot of guy friends, more than girls which is typically weird bc I'm a girl. He's super nice to me, and a ton of people in class tease us bc were r that close! Whenever some1 in class askes "Are you two dating yet?" He never denies it or agrees! I get super jealous when he has a girlfriend, but I don't know if I have a crush! Please help!

Jealousy is a fear of losing something or someone. It does not necessarily mean you feel like more than friends with him just because you feel jealousy when he dates someone else. It could mean two things, that you are afraid if he dates a girl and it becomes a steady thing and she might tell him she doesn't want him to have any female friends and sometimes a guy will go along with that if he is really into that girl.

The other might be that you are not sure if how you feel is just friends or more than friends.

The only thing really that makes one a friendship and the other more is the romance and how each other feels giddy and excited around the other, the kisses, and possibly sex. The one thing both should have in common is being best of friends or close friends. My 2nd husband is my best friend and my lover. If you do not feel yourself wondering what its like to be kissed romantically on the lips and actually wanting, desiring that and other shows of affection that dating couples or lovers give each other, basically if all this is lacking, then you are just friends. If you truly do feel these things, then you may be desiring him as more than a friend.

Just because a female gets along better with males or prefers male friends to female ones, is not odd at all. I am like that and my husband prefers female friends to male friends. He has only one male friend he keeps in touch with by email or calls. So you can't look at this ability as a way to figure if you could be more than friends.

Also, its a two way thing but often only one person feels that kind of attraction while the other doesn't and this is what holds people back from taking the next step and saying something.

I have come up with the perfect thing to say in such a situation. Next time he is single again, you say, "I've been just thinking, we do so well as friends, that it makes me wonder how well we would do as more than friends. What do you think?

Its important to ask his opinion. The way this is stated, is just a wondering, nothing in it to indicate a reality as in you feeling in love with him. So if he has felt the same, he will likely agree to it and that is the best way to find out if there really is something between you two. If he doesn't feel the same, he will tell you that he doesn't have those kinds of feelings for you so there is no need to try that. Theres a possibility he might ask why you asked this question. It's probably best to pretend you don't have feelings because of course you are not sure about those feelings, so its best to say, I was just thinking about it, not that I know for sure I feel that way about you.

See, not all romance start with love at first sight or a big feeling in your heart or all over and great desires. Some start small, a friend first whom you respect and care about and slowly that ember of feeling you like him, grows, as an ember will do if taken care of the right way so the ember eventually grows to the point it bursts into flame, which I compare to now feeling in love. This love can be as strong as the ones who felt it in the beginning of their relationships.
So use that phrase I mentioned, do the actual dating and decide for yourselves if theres something more there. If there isn't, no reason to worry. If you are young, maybe in a couple years if still single and both of you have grown and matured, if you get together to visit as friends, maybe you will discover you both have bigger feelings for each other or in the meanwhile you both met others for whom you feel this.

Dating to confirm your feelings for him if he is willing, is not weird. As said, it is the easiest way I know of to figure that out.

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20/F here. I've been struggling with my mental health for the past three years or so, but I can't give a name to it.

At first, it was a lot of depressive feelings. I saw my doctor after about a year, he told me I had dysthymia and basically told me to get exercise, take vitamin D, and see a counselor. I already had a counselor but wasn't getting a lot out of it. It felt good to talk to her for the time I was there, but as soon as I walked out of her office, everything went back the way it was.

I had some pretty bad insomnia, and had messed up eating habits (sometimes eating way too much, sometimes hardly eating, but never purposely starving myself).

I had a couple panic attacks which terrified me because I had absolutely no idea what was happening to me.

I developed a habit of self harm, but convinced myself it wasn't a big deal since I was just digging my nails into my arm, I never drew blood (but I still have scars), and I only did it when I was really stressed.

About 16 months ago I suddenly got super stressed and anxious all the time. I was having panic attacks or breaking down in tears literally every day for a couple months. It got so bad that there were a couple days where I had slightly suicidal thoughts (I didn't have any plan in my mind, just a vague concept. I've never told anyone that). Was still talking to counselor weekly, but nothing she suggested helped matters. Went back to my doctor, got put on a mild dose of a "mood stabilizer" (venlafaxine), but he didn't really give me a diagnosis?

The past year I've had days and weeks where I've felt depressed, or where I've felt anxious, or both, or neither. I've had a few panic attacks. I've stopped seeing my counselor because the situation just wasn't convenient anymore. I've been back to the doctor and am still on the meds he gave me last year.

I just don't know what's wrong with me. I know something is wrong, but I don't think I have major depression, or really dysthymia, or anxiety disorder, because none of it is constant enough or severe enough. I just...struggle with mental health? I don't know how to phrase it.

What am I even asking here? I guess I just want advice on how to approach this topic with myself and with others. People like labels, and i don't have one, so what do i say?

Sounds like the Dr gave you a label, Dysthymia. I hadn't heard of it, so I looked it up. From what I read, it was a term some Dr came up with in the 70s to use instead of the term 'depressive personality'.

Almost all our Drs today do not question what they have been taught or look into researching disorders for themselves and trying something different. So they are only doing the thing they are taught will help people but it doesn't really. Like you said, you feel a little better at the time you are doing talk therapy which is what medical journals written in recent years say is the treatment for dysthymia. To me, it sounds like the same symptoms of depression, just that the intensity of it wavers a bit, ebbs and flows but is always there.
I knew a man who was a counselor in the Army, had bad depression back in his early days and on a few occasions was planning to kill himself, all while his wife was frantically trying to find him better help. Obviously, he'd been getting the same kind of treatment as you, medication and it wasn't helping. Yet Across the country and perhaps in much of the world, the current way of treating people with any kind of mentally debilitating thing have pretty much the same diagnosis, talk about it and take some kind of medicine that doesn't help, makes you feel worse like suicidal or other nasty side effects.
This subject is close to my heart because I have a daughter with mental illness or at least severe depression which she saw a Dr. about and was put on medicine for, stopped taking since she hated the side effects and didn't want to try what I was learning at the time due to my ex, her Dad also having mental illness, he saw a Dr. for who confirmed it to me but hubby still didn't believe anything was wrong with him and was only going for visits because he felt just going would fool me and keep me with him. After almost 30 years of abuse due to his problems, and what I learned about the ex army friend who'd finally found a cure, I tried to steer her in the right direction but she married a guy worse than herself mentally and cut off all relating to family and moving away. I divorced the ex because in a private talk with the Dr. alone, if a patient isn't willing to acknowledge there is something wrong with them that they need help with, then their likelihood of improving is not great. Even with people who understand they have a problem, they may take a long time to change, or never change by time they reach the end of their life.

So now on to what I learned, that the majority of problems like depression, anxieties and other mental disorders are for the most part cureable or can be lessened. A Dr. whom my friend gave me a book of in hopes hubby would read it, this Dr. had been practicing the old way, meds and talk therapy and had many clients who never improved. Then a colleague told him about a new method to help such people that did not involved medication,, it was called CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. He dismissed it as unlikely to work and wouldn't do it until colleagues said they had a couple client it seemed to work for. So he said he'd try it with his most difficult client who ended up totally healed of depression and living a normal life now. So he researched more, became an expert on it, training Dr.s on this method and going on to write several books and creating a website to let people know there is real working help out there. He estimates that about 90% of people can be totally healed as it is not a chemical imbalance, real mental illness behind it or something wrong in the brain as it was developing in-utero, but all the isues stem from one source 'distorted, incorrect thinking' where the cognitive part of CBT comes from since cognitive means simply the thought life of our brains. All people have distorted or negative thoughts at times. Even healthy people like myself but what we do is almost immediately dismiss the thought as distorted or negative, mayve laugh at ourselves, but we choose to tell ourselves that is not going to happen and we stop focusing on and do not keep feeding the bad thought. Many people find they are unable to do it until they have actually been taught how. This is where CBT comes in. It saved my ex Army friends life, the cure for social anxiety in this Dr.s book is exactly what cured me, though I got my information long before I read his book, I got it from God in prayer when wanting to be normal and not have this anxiety so in my early twenties, I was cured of it. It just made the hairs on my neck stand up when I read the same stuff in this book years later. SO I can say it works.

I am giving you the website to check out. It the website of Dr. David D Burns
https://feelinggood.com/


What I suggest is checking with your medical insurance, no matter if the Dr you see had been refered by your primary Dr. They don't have time to do the foot work and sometimes send you to someone who is a friend and trade clients back and forth. Get a list of mental health Dr.s, psychologists in your area that they will cover, and call each one to check if any of their Doctors are trained in CBT. When you find one, take that information to your Dr. YOu don't have to explain or get into it with him, just say the referral is not helping and you checked with insurance for a new Dr. and have a name of one you'd like him/her to refer you to. Dr.s will do this if you supply them with a name, makes no different to them if you did the research.

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