|
Are these RED FLAGS? My new BF is making me question everything
I'm a late-30s woman with an unsuccessful dating history. I've been seeing a man for two months that I was initially THRILLED about - he's age-appropriate (early 40s), fun, sweet, silly and handsome. But only 8 weeks into things, he has begun canceling plans often - four or five times in just the last few weeks. It's really bothering me.
He always has a legitimate excuse for cancelling - a bad cold that came on suddenly, an old friend popping into town, forgetting about tax day, etc. When we're together it feels wonderful and authentic - I don't doubt his affection! But his flakiness means we only see each other once a week, at the most. I'm almost 40 and lonely - I'm looking for something serious, not someone I see every 10 days.
We are dating exclusively and I have met some of his family. He talks about the future with me, and says he wants a wife and kids. But his actions speak differently. I find myself worried about whether there is something going on that he isn't sharing with me. And the more I worry and feel rejected, the more my own excitement about the relationship is starting to fade away.
I've brought up my concerns with him twice already. He was defensive both times, reminding me that all his excuses are legit and that he really likes me. He says I shouldn't be dumping on our wonderful new relationship. I certainly can't bring it up again, so I just sit alone with my feelings. I can't shake this sinking feeling and this disappointment. I thought this relationship had SO much potential, but now I'm seeing red flags everywhere.
Am I being oversensitive? Are these REALLY red flags, or am I imagining offenses based on my own baggage? (Guys have lied to me and ghosted me a million times before.) Should I give up on this guy and cut my losses, or keep trying to work through it? I hate wasting my time at this age. I feel totally confused and crazy and I have no one to talk to about it.
Thank you for answering. I really need help.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You already know the answer. He's seeing someone else. None of his excuses were a reason for not being around you. He's sick you could have been there to care for him. A friend in town he could introduce you two. Things are only going to get worse. Move on before you invest anymore time. You're too old for those games.
]
I'll just keep it short and simple. Follow your instincts. They are rarely wrong.
If you want to give him a chance that's great. However, I wouldn't waste days he isn't around sitting around waiting. I would think if a man was in love enough to discuss wanting a wife & kids, he might want to get used to being around her more often. If he is 40 and still hasn't settled down, he may never do so.
This is just my opinion. Hope it works out the way you want it to. :)
]
You shouldn't have to feel you are wasting your time. As you said, at your age, you want to find someone to be with the rest of your life, not dally around 10 years waiting for him.
As to there being red flags, if he has real excuses, then he isn't lying. However a man who loves a woman, and it has to be love if he wants a wife, such a man would have the woman he loves be one of his top three priorities. I got that from a guy who gave dating advice to women regarding how to know when a guy loves them. Based on some of the things he said, plus some things I have learned as well, I have a list of questions to ask yourself about him. The amount of questions you can answer are true for you, are only 7 in number and one tally for true is that he does love you enough to make it work for him but it may not be enough for you. Those totals were totally from this guy. And it makes sense. The guy might be nice but if he doesn't meet some criteria you have of whats important to you, and he doesn't match up to a 10 for you, then a 7 or 8 will always have you feeling you settled for less. He will be happy and you will be miserable. My red flag of your situation is him wanting kids at this point in life. This would mean that he has been a bachelor all this time and has never had kids before, or he is divorced, has an ex and has kids. And if he has kids, why would he want more? If he's never been a husband or father, what proof is there that he would make a good one? You would need to spend lots of time with him to get to know him well enough to make that judgement call. Once or twice a week is not going to cut it for getting to really know him, and I mean the kind of knowing a person that you have when you live with them before marriage. Its harder to hide ones imperfections. they may be minor or major ones and that is something too easy to hide from someone you date and see once or twice a week. So I see it as entirely crucial for you to have someone you can be with way more than what you have now. If you say something about this, he could fake it and pretend he has time for you, long enough to get a ring on your finger and then lapse back into his old self. I have seen this happen of both sides, people pretending to be something their partner needs and wants simply to get them and once caught, they go back to who they really are because the stress of putting up an act takes too much personal energy. Most people show their real self within anywhere from 3rd date (this happened to me after a divorce) to a month later,(1st husband, became verbally abusive one month after our wedding, or it can be stretched out to a few months if the people don't see each other often enough.
Since you mentioned a bad dating past, perhaps you haven't come across the right information yet and believe me, if it was out there for me to find, I would have left my ex sooner. So I will share stuff I learned second time around in dating as an older person in late forties after a divorce and what God asked me to do to prove He could help me find the right guy for me. After a marriage to someone who was able to admit to the counselor that he had never been in love with me, only loved a few aspects about me, i wanted a man who would never be able to get enough of being with me, was in love with me and it only grew more intense, and we were each others best friend and also terrific choices for a lover. at my late forties, I certainly didn't want to waste time, so the document I will share next might sound a bit drastic and there will be men who complain and whine or get angry but i stuck to what I wanted instead of settling for less as they hoped to trick me into. At the end, I will also post the questions for finding out how much the current man loves you.
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, then on a date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you, your needs and wishes a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
]
More Questions: |