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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
When I was 12 years old,I met a young man about 13.We met in church.We hanged out alot and we were close.He left the church with his dad who was singing there at the time.
I am 24 now and he is 25
I moved to another state,and he is still in California
3 years ago we got back in touch through Facebook.At first we were texting and talking always,and throughout this period we had times of seperation due to personal problems,not neccesarily with eachother. The times that we kept texting we just kept getting closer and closer.And we love eachother.
We are planning to see eachother in September.Ive saved money and Im happy.
The problem is is that I have beliefs.I am not Jewish,but I kep Shabbat and Bibical Feasts.And the Bible clearly states that I cant be un-evenly yoked with a non-believer.He does not believe in any of this stuff,whereas,I havent talked much about it.Hes very serious about me and wants to marry me.My mom is very strict about our Bibical beliefs and she won't have a heathen with her daughter.I also don't want to go to hell and lose the beautifullness I have with this man that I love.I feel torn.Should I stay or tell him goodbye and be with someone who shares in what I believe? I dont want to let him,even thinking has left me crying for hours at a time.Please,what do I do??
The Answer
You need to tell him.
Your beliefs are unlikely to change between now and September, so you need to let him know what is up. He deserves to know what the problem is, and you should be able to let him know what is going on in your life and causing you stress.
Otherwise, it's tough to advise you. Frankly, I find the religious beliefs that demand 'blood be kept pure' nothing more than xenophobia, and a horrible technique religions have used historically to control and coerce members, but if you know that is it is really important to you, personally, that you marry a man who conforms to your religious beliefs, then you need to go find that man, or at least a man who is willing to sincerely convert for you.
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The Question
Hello. I am a young 22 year old male and have a concern about penis size. Now, most likely I just need confidence in myself and/or assurance, but still I'd thought I'd ask and hopefully get some educated answers and insight.
Well, I'm 22 and my penis is around 5-5.5 in. when fully erected, and when flaccid sometimes 1-3 inches. Would you say that's normal or average?
Honestly, I think it's average for me. Now, I'm kind of a chubby guy so would losing weight help add more length or something? Does any form of medicine help increase it?
Now, reason for my concern. I'm sort of seeing this girl and well, guess it's kind of a complicated open relationship and well she thinks I'm small for her. We've openly talked about previous sex partners we each had and well, guess a majority of her previous sex partners were quite well endowed down there. Like she's been with guys who were like 8-11 in. big around the age of 19-20 and I'm sitting there finding it hard to believe that's possible. I am able to please her, but there are times where she comments on my size and I think to myself she's just joking, even says she is, but sometimes it kind of gets to me.
We even went to a book store and explored the sexuality section and read that the average size is like 5 inches, and then she goes ahead and guesses average must be small to her then, but isn't sure of herself though, but the way she says it makes me think she prefers them big and kind of worries me?
So what's a good healthy mind set I should keep? I really like her and am trying my best to try and make her trust relationships again, that way we can be something exclusive to each other..
The Answer
Your length is normal.
Loosing weight will not make it bigger.
Medication cannot make it bigger.
As for a healthy mindset, the first thing you could do is ask her to help you out and not make comments about your dick size, because it's not cool, even as jokes. Joking about another person's body can be hurtful, and should be avoided unless you are certain it'll be taken as light fun.
Then you should maybe not be in an open relationship, if what you want is an exclusive one. Frankly, I'd guess a lot of your stress and worry steams from the fact that you'd like a kind of relationship and commitment that you aren't getting. It's actually a way, WAY bigger deal if she prefers a kind of relationship agreement that doesn't work for you, then if she prefers a larger penis.
I think the other columnists have been unduly harsh on your girlfriend. There is nothing immature, or 'wrong' with preferring a larger penis on your partner (and people who don't have vaginas should perhaps hold off on commenting on what different experiences feel like) anything more than there is something wrong with preferring blonds, or tattoos or big breasts. We aren't in perfect control of what bodies attract us sexually, but in a relationship you have to accept the whole package with love and respect even if they don't fit some sort of sexual ideal for you. If that isn't happening for you, then she might not be in a place to be in a good, healthy relationship with you. Your mindset isn't going to change her behaviour.
It's sweet that you are concerned about her pleasure and her ability to trust, but don't forget your own needs. What you need from a relationship to feel happy and secure is at least as important as what she needs. If her needs are being met at the expense of yours, then a healthy mindset isn't going to do you much good.
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The Question
15, female, USA, Christian
Okay, let me explain a little...
I have met gay people. I had a friend who was gay, I don't hate gay people and I don't like it when people are hateful to homosexuals.
But.
I don't agree with it. I'm not sure exactly why though...it just rub's me the wrong way.
I suppose it has something to do with the Bible(considering I am a Christian). But I know the Bible also says "Love your neighbor as yourself" and also not to judge others unless you are in a position to do so, such as being a judge or jury in court. So for that reason (among others like just being a decent person) I try not to judge them, and basically just have the mentality of 'let them take it up with God'.
Plus the fact that, a male and female can reproduce, yet two of the same sex can't. Species reproduction is nature, and homosexuality somewhat counters that. I understand adoption or not wanting to have kids, but in adoptions case they're still not reproducing, just raising a kid without a home.
But before you call me homophobic or something of the sort, please understand I do not hate homosexuals. I simply don't agree with their way of living (I guess you could say) for a multitude of reasons, most of which I'm unsure of.
And in the case of them being born that way, I do believe I heard somewhere that it has something to do with a hormonal imbalance that can be corrected with a shot or something, though I am unsure if that is factual.
Basically, I'm a little worried I will be judged throughout my life for not agreeing with homosexuality completely. Even though I'm not completely sure why.
Plus I just wanted to vent out my thoughts a bit. Though understand I am not trying to change anyone's opinions or beliefs. Believe what you will, I am simply stating what I believe, and I want to hear/read other peoples responses.
Any thoughts (or anything you want to correct me on) you have on this matter I would greatly appreciate reading. (Though do try to be polite)
The Answer
What you've said here is homophobic.
I'm not trying to mean, or call you a bad person, but you need to understand what homophobia actually is, because you are suffering from it. Homophobia isn't just pure hatred, it's an aversion to homosexuals. It's the kind of ideas, ideas you expressed here, that try to suggest that there is something wrong with people who are gay, that they are broken or malformed, and or that they are less human or less worthy than others.
That is what you've expressed here, a prejudicial aversion, and a refusal to respect homosexuals as full, perfectly normal human beings. You may not like being called homophobic, but that is the accurate label for the ideas you've expressed.
Other people have said you are entitled to your feelings - and you are - but you aren't entitled to your own facts, or medical misinformation, and your feelings don't get to define the worthiness or respect that other human being deserve.
Lets be clear: Homosexuality is not an illness that can be cured. The science is actually utterly clear on this. There are people, who for whatever reason, choose not to act on their same-sex desire - maybe because their understanding of their faith tells them not too - but neither medication nor therapy can get rid of it, in part, because it is not an illness.
Although there are studies that have shown some similarities between homosexual development in the uterus NONE of those studies mean that there is a 'problem' or and 'imbalance'. Just something that naturally occurs in the body of a pregnant woman, might (and it's a big might) effect the likelihood of the baby being homosexual, just like other things that naturally occur in the uterus can effect whether a child is right or left handed. Just like left handed people aren't evil, or 'broken' (even though there was a time when many Christains believed they were) neither are homosexuals. It's not someone that the mother has any control over, it's just normal human functioning. Homosexuality is part of the normal variation amount human beings.
There is no shot that can change a homosexual into a hetrosexual. It doesn't exist now, and it's unlikely it ever will. Even if it did, people wouldn't need to change themselves anyways, just because some other people didn't agree with the kind of attraction they felt to other normal, healthy adults, who happen to be the same sex as they are.
If you don't think people should be homosexual because of your faith, that's fine, but don't fall into these horrible prejudices and false science. That is what people will judge most harshly. Not believing people should have sex with the same-sex partner is one thing, but trying to support that belief with false science or data is the part that other people will, very fairly, judge you harshly for. Most people can deal with a person who has a different opinion than they do, but no one likes people who tell untruths to try and make other people look or feel badly.
Hopefully, you are on a journey of love. Most of us are. No one taught homosexuals to being homosexual - they were born that way - but someplace along the line, someone taught you not to like them. You weren't born thinking they were lesser people, you were told. People you love and respect taught you not to love and respect homosexuals. Unlike things that you are, things that are learned can be changed. You might want to work on coming to a greater level of love and respect for all people. It doesn't mean you have to think homosexuality is what God intended, but it does mean you have to accept that homosexuals are full, normal, healthy people deserving of all the respect given to anyone else, because the evidence is in, they absolutely are. You'll be judged harshly if you treat them as less than that, because less than that is discrimination, and discrimination is ugly.
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The Question
So I just saw this thing online saying "feelings that come back are feelings that never went away"... and I'm confused because I liked this guy (Zack) and well yeah I liked him for a few months back in late 2011 and then I started getting these new feelings for this other guy. I really really did like this guy and I guess you can say we were friends around that time until the next year, we stopped being "friends"... and also when I stopped liking Zack, I was friends with him too. And I guess whenever he would talk to me I would smile? Idk. Then yeah 7th grade came and I stopped talking to the both of them but I still talked to Zack like every other month and it would be like a "hi" and idk it would make my day... but I still liked the other guy.. and I still did through 7th grade and 8th grade.. then during the end of 8th grade I stopped liking the other guy because he was being an a hole and yeah but like a week before i found out he was an ass, I started getting these feelings from Zack.. like that week before, he would be around me and close to me a lot and I liked it and I just started developing those feelings because he was 'close' to me and was around me during that week which was weird because he and i never really talk anymore. But I remember when I was crying over that a hole, I was thinking of Zack and I quickly got over that guy (took a day or two) which was weird because I liked him for over 2 years... but yeah... then my feelings for Zack started to grow and grow and grow. and I don't know... so have i always had feelings for him? like deep down? even tho i liked another guy?
The Answer
We can't answer that for you.
Only you can figure out what you feel.
But the truth is that the idea that "feelings that come back are feelings that never went away" is a very simplistic and immature way to look at emotions. We can have lots of feelings, even for people we don't want to be with at all. Feelings don't always reflect what we want, or what we know is realistic, they just sort of exist.
Don't worry too much about what you used to feel, or might feel in the future. You don't have much control over either of those things. Instead, focus on what you feel now, and what you want to do. Sometimes, what you feel isn't the same as what you want to do.
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The Question
Hi, I am a fifteen year old girl, and I have trouble connecting with people socially. I have lost many of my friends due to this matter, and I have lost my confidence, because of this. I dont know how to act in social situations, and I tend to act rather awkward. I have even been told, I react differently than others normally do, I also find others staring at me, or giving me funny looks, and laughing at me. I guess you could say I dont have a very good graph like others normally grow to have. I have tried talking to my mother about this, but she just thinks I am being shy. I, on the other hand, think differently. What do you think?
The Answer
We can't diagnose you, and you shouldn't be trying to diagnose yourself based on things you read online or hear about from others. That is the sort of thing that really should be left to a professional.
Frankly, most people have at least some trouble during their teens being social. You are still learning, and it's okay to feel awkward or insecure some, even most, of the time. Turning that normal discomfort into a medical diagnosis in your own mind can be dangerous and counter productive.
As Adviceman said, this is something you can bring up with your doctor during a routine physical, and take their advice and recommendations from there.
I understand where you are coming from. When I first tried to express my anxiety and stress to my parents in my early teens, they told me it was normal to be stressed sometimes - and they were right. But as I kept explaining to them the level of my stress (I was feeling sick, had panic attacks, felt unable to do basic things) they could see that my discomfort was beyond the 'normal' stress level. So don't tell your parents what you think is wrong with you, instead talk to them about your feelings and experiences honestly, without jumping to conclusions about what is going on. You'll get better help from your parents, and your doctors, if you are just honest about what you are experiencing and don't try to apply medical labels to it.
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The Question
I am Canadian and I want to become a exchange student. I want to go to either 1) United States (preferably L.A., New York, Boston) 2)Europe (England, perhaps France) 3) Australia. I want to go for maybe a whole school year. My parents suggest I go to the school guidance counselor to ask what places they recommend and how it works as soon as school starts which I will. Though what is the process of becoming a exchange student, the criteria needed? are the hosting families thoroughly checked out? also is it likely I get to choose where I want to go? I do a lot of research and I don't know if their is many who will send me from canada to the United States. The US is my first option, which companies send me to US? thanks
The Answer
Talking to your guidance counsellor is the right place to start.
There are many different programs, run by many different groups, with different policies and procedures. The criteria will be different from organization to organization, and even country to country. Some will actually require a 'trade' where you family allows a student to come into their home as well, others will be more of a pay-to-play situation, where there is cost to you to go.
I doubt there are too many Canada/US exchange programs. Exchanges are costly. Without a scholarship, you should expect it to cost at least $8,000 to attend a school in another country, and some places will be much more. Since it's so simple for Canadians and Americans to travel across our shared boarder and we have so much access to one another's culture, I doubt there is much drive to create scholarships or subsidized programs for Canadian/American exchanges. Your guidance counsellor is certainly your first stop.
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The Question
I never talk about my beliefs with anyone unless I absolutely know for sure they agree with it. But it seems that once an atheist meets my eye, he'll say,“do you believe in God?" And when I'm like yeah, why? He will attack me saying how I'm destroying his rights and safety. Today I decided to see where these atheists come from, figuring that there has to be some reason that when an atheist wa in my class, she spent the entire year saying about how there isn't a God and it's ridiculous. So, I found some laws ARE stealing atheists rights. But if they don't like that, then they should go out and protest, rather then sit around insulting people. And while I could see how these laws upset them, it's not my fault. I'm not on government, and I'm too young to vote. They're also angry about the pledge saying,“one nation, under God" and the money saying,“in God we trust" about those, get over it dramatic brats!
The Answer
This isn't a question. This is an advice site.
Please ask questions, not post your pet peeves.
Frankly, you are being a discriminatory ass. Just because you don't like this girl in your class, doesn't mean all atheists are assholes. You aren't a child. You should have enough of a brain to understand that just because some Christians are assholes who hate gays, or some Muslims are assholes who suppress women, doesn't reflect the beliefs of all Christians or all Muslims. Same goes for atheists.
It's really fucked up that you decided to keep on bashing all atheists, while at the same time realizing that they actually do face discrimination, even discrimination written right into law. It's simple-minded of you, even if you disagree, that you can't see why people, even people who are not atheists, would take issue when their government that is supposed to be separate from any Church, using religious language and religious confirmations of faith in official oaths or currency. You don't need to agree, but you do need to have enough sense and respect to recognize why others might see that as a serious issues of separation of Church and State.
Take your own advice, and get over it you dramatic brat.
Other people are going to care about religious issues, human rights issues, and political issues that you don't think are important. That doesn't make them assholes, or brats. What makes someone a brat is when they are nasty and spiteful anyways, even when they should know better.
Have more respect for others and don't discriminate on the basis of religious belief, or lack there of. Some people are assholes, some of the time. You are not immune to to asshole behaviour, so watch yourself and be respectful of others.
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The Question
Whenever I get angry or frustrated about something I always go drinking or to a club (but I would never get "wasted"). It can be from fighting with my significant other, family, or friends, it doesn't matter who I just always go venture into the nightlife to a club or bar when they get me mad. My boyfriend says that he's got a problem with this, even though I reassure him that I will never do anything wrong or flirt with anyone while doing this. It just helps calm my nerves. I guess you can say this habit of mine seems more bad when I fight with him, because on top of everything we argue about at that moment, I leave and find remedy in a club or bar (sometimes alone) which causes him to be jealous/more mad. But it works for me, I always come back feeling more calm and happy which leaves me to think things through more calmly and clearly. Is this normal, why do I do this.. is it something I should worry about and try to control even though it soothes me? I'm a 23 year old woman.
The Answer
You are drinking alcohol to make yourself feel better.
That is unwise. You should stop that.
It concerns me when you ask a question where you seem to really try avoiding mentioning the thing that clearly drives you to a bar or club. You don't try to convince us it's to chat with people, or watch the game, or met with friends, or play pool, or even dance. If you just wanted to be with people or be distracted you could go to a mall, or a cafe, or a movie. You are clearly going to places where you can drink.
What you are doing is altering your brain chemistry, by introducing a legal sedative drug into your system, in oder to manage frustration and negative feelings.
That's not actually self-soothing.
That's self-medicating with alcohol.
People who are skilled at self-soothing, don't use drugs to do it. (And smart people who really can't self-soothe on their own reach out to doctors and therapists for assistance. They don't go straight for whatever mind-altering substances are easily or legally available.)
Maybe your boyfriend is over-reacting, and pissed off at you for all the wrong reasons, but for your own health and happiness you need to learn how to ACTUALLY soothe yourself when you are upset, without relying on a drug. Take a long walk, go work out, have a nice meal with friends or by yourself, take a bubble bath - go play a violent video game if that calms you! But relying on alcohol to manage negative feelings is a symptom of alcohol dependancy, and you don't need to 'control' it, you need to stop it completely.
Maybe you don't 'have a drinking problem' but you do have a bad behaviour and a poor habit, one which could lead to far more problems than an angry husband.
If you feel you just can't, or just don't want to even consider finding other ways to deal with frustration besides drinking that's a pretty compelling sign that you have substance abuse problem, and you should seek treatment for it.
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The Question
There has been a lot of talk on who's gonna take over the world, most people think it's China or America. I'll just pretend America took over what will happen: the americen goverment takes over and everyone, even American citizens are treated like shit, or will it be like the Hunger Games (don't soil catching fire I'm reading it!) Where America is the capitol and everyone in America is rich as fuck, while other countries gotta give to them. I personally think America is going to take over, we've got the strongest military, already extremely wealthy, already has complete control over the Midwest. But the question is: when?
The Answer
The only place where there is a lot of talk about who will 'take over the world' is in the States. It's a uniquely American fantasy. Those conspiracy theories and fantasies don't take root anywhere else on the Globe, because most other places on the Globe have a much more rational understanding of the many nations and people that exist, and the level of power each nation actually has in the world.
Neither the States, nor China, have anything even remotely close to the ability to take over the world. Despite the fact both countries are large and influential, neither has the man power or the money to do so, and neither is likely to get in anything like the near future.
Look at the States seriously for a moment: The US doesn't even have the money or manpower to control the small, improvised desert countries it's gone to war with in the Middle East in the last 20 years. Billions of dollars later, and the US still can't put down rebellions, get the local armies on their feet, or help with basic infrastructure. US armies are leaving the Middle East more or less how they found it: At the mercy of a bunch of infighting religious extremists.
If the world was going to be taken over, I doubt the threat would come from government. The super-wealthy are in a far better position to wrest control than any single government on the planet, but even that would require more money and more coordination from hundreds of very different people and interests then is likely to take place.
So When? Not in your lifetime, and probably not in your grandchildren's. Something would need to change, and change drastically, to give one nation the power and means to control all others, and there is nothing on the horizon that looks like it could cause that change. The world is just far more complex and diverse than you realize. There are more people, and more ways of living that an individual can even comprehend. Controlling all those people through force isn't likely.
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The Question
Jist of what happened in the past
- I liked his best friend, same college
- We met and even though things got messed up ended up liking each other
- Started dating when he passed out (im still doing my undergrad)
- we have been dating a year. I'm 19 he's 22
- our parents know about us and we have met both sides
- we met in college and then he passed out and started giving exams
- he couldn't clear the exams he gave so his parents got paranoid about him going on the wrong path or getting distracted because of me
- he promised his mom hed clear the last exam for us to prove to her he can do something
- he started working with this ngo in town so we would see each very often
- our friends knew and he even told his best buds that he'd marry me if we continue dating for a while
- we never had any problems even though he is a bit flirtatious with other women he was loyal to me
- Had a few fights because of the guys friends I had but it was all sorted out
A week back since I'm on vacation across the country he texted me saying that his result came out and he didn't clear it so he had to break up to concentrate on his career
He said he still loved me but he had to let this go since we were mad about each other. He said he hoped we got back together but couldn't promise anything for the future and didn't want to give me false hopes.
He said I was the best thing that happened to him. He also said his parents raised him and he needs to make them proud by achieving something in life and hence he needs to give up all the distractions in his life.
Its been a week and he wouldn't answer any of my calls or messages and has completely cut off. He told his friends he called it off and didn't give a reason and he wouldn't reply back to my friends at all.
I don't know what to do. I want him back because I love him even if it involves waiting but I don't know what is going on in his mind. I am also scared out of stupidity hed go any do something really reckless to get over me.
I don't know what to say to him when we meet when I get back but I am willing to do anything to rectify this. Do you have any advice as to why this happened and it could truly get him back? Or am I living in a dream world where fairytales exist and he is truly over me?
The Answer
The best chance you have of keeping your relationship alive, is letting him go right now. Call your friends off of him (it's not nice to for them to badger him or interfere) and give him some space.
It doesn't sound like he's 'over you' but it does sound like he has made a decision about what his priorities are right now, and that doesn't include you. It's okay to be sad, or to be angry with him, but his choice also deserves respect.
The best thing you can do right now, to keep this person in his life, is to respect his choice and let him know that you still want to be IN his life, even if it's not as his girlfriend.
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The Question
I've been engaged since September of last year. My fiancé's sister just got engaged a month ago. My wedding is in September 2015. Her fiancé wants to have the wedding in May 2015. They have only been dating for 2 years. My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years. We were going to get married this year but I've had a lot of medical complications. I'm upset about that fact they want to get married before us and want to take away our thunder. I think it's rude and disrespectful. His parents originally said they would stand up for us and tell her to wait and now they don't want to. My fiancé and I are getting into fights about this. We are suppose to talk to his sister and fiancé but honestly I'm so upset. Don't know what to do.
Sincerely,
Invisible
The Answer
Let it go.
I'm sure there was far, FAR more important details that went into them choosing their wedding date than when you wedding was going to happen. I mean really, it's pretty self obsessed to think they planned their whole wedding around the idea of showing you and your fiancée up. There could be a dozens of reasons they choose May. Maybe they really wanted a May wedding! Maybe that is when it's easiest for the grooms family to attend. Maybe it works out best for them to take their vacation from work around that time. Maybe they are really into astrology and the stars are properly aligned that day!
Even if they did pick May 2015 just to piss you off (and really, that is not very likely at all) there is really nothing you can do about it. IF they actually did that (and I don't believe they did) then you can either choose to let it go, and not give them the satisfaction of your frustration OR you can start a family feud that will last for years, spoil the mood at both weddings, and waste everyone's time and energy.
Even if they did this to piss you off (they didn't) you'd still be best to let it go. It's okay to be upset, but since there is nothing sane you can do about it, you have to let it go.
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The Question
I went on a coffee date with a guy yesterday, and it went really well...we talked the whole time and he seemed really interested. At the end of the date, I said I'm glad we met up and we should do it again. He said absolutely and asked why my schedule is like. I said that I'm in a certain city (where he works) during the week, and around during the weekends. I said "I'm pretty open for now"...and after that there was no word or confirmation. Just a bye and that was it. So I'm wondering if i sounded too available or over eager and turned him off? I mean, I thought I was being honest... But now I'm thinking he might not reach out for a second date bc of that. Any thoughts? Especially by men...
The Answer
If he was interested, it probably wouldn't have mattered.
If this was part of what turned him off, then he was probably already not feeling it.
Honesty is the best policy. You didn't do anything wrong, and if he is the kind of guy who is turned off by a girl who likes him, actually being willing to make time to see him again, then he probably isn't the guy you are looking for.
You don't sound the least overeager. Most guys who complain about girls being overeager are just not into the girl to begin with, or are assholes, or are just calling her 'overeager' when they actually mean something else felt off about it.
Don't worry yourself.
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The Question
So I am only 17 and was was dating this girl who happened to be christian for two months until she broke up with me. The reason we broke up was because I am agnostic and she couldn't take it anymore, even though I told her I was in the first place. In this relationship she never gave me a blowjob but only handies but she said no sex and no bj's while we were dating and I was totally cool with that untill... when she broke up with me she almost immediately had a thing with another her guy and she sucked his dick after she was supposedly against it. She came back to me a 2 weeks or so after she gave the other guy head and she told me everything that happened and was extremely sorry and I took her back. She said if she could go back in time she would definately change what happened. She told me she now did blowjobs and here we are five months later and I haven't even gotten a handjob, I only finger her which ive done about 10 times since we've been together again. So my question is should I talk to her about giving me head or just anything sexual? Or am I just way overreacting and I should leave this whole thing alone. She's really in love with me now and I almost broke up with her about a month ago because of what happened right after our breakup. One thing about this girl is that she has been fingered and gave hand jobs to plenty of men in her past and it just bothers me that I never get anything in return.
The Answer
You should speak to her about this.
However, you are also over-reacting. Just because someone has engaged in some sort of sex act previously, doesn't mean they are happy or okay with it now. It's not right to say "You did it once so it doesn't matter if you do it again." If she doesn't want to perform a blow job, it doesn't matter how many times she did before. She's allowed to not want to do it now.
You don't 'deserve' a blow job and fingering isn't something she 'gives' to you or anyone else. Even if she did all sort of things before, if those aren't things she wants to continue doing now, her choice deserves your respect. If that is her choice, and you don't like it, then you should break up.
But if you want to stay with her, then by all means talk to her about the fact you'd like more sexual contact, but do not accuse her, or demand things of her, just because she'd had done them before with you, or with other people. She gets to choose each and every time. You never have to do something just because you did it before.
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The Question
He likes to have control over everything. This morning I asked if he wanted me to wash his pants. He didn't respond so I asked again.In return he said I told u no. I said no you didn't say anything. So he got mad and started yelling at me. I'm driving him to work and I asked did u want to stop at a store. He looks at me and says ain't it obvious. In return I said I don't know what you want to do.I can't read mind s and I never assume I ask. He turned and said just take me to work. I'm just agreeing with what you suggest. I'm like what I never made a suggestion I just needed to know what next. We got to an argument over that. When I have company he sits in my friend's conversations. But when he has company he tells me and my kids to to our room. If we come out we get into a big argument. We really have to stay in our room until he says we can come out. Sometimes it's for 8hours no exaggeration. I have a bucket in my room to use for the bathroom. We eat when he decided to let us eat. He has hit me on three different occasions. I told him I don't like him and he said he was moving with his mom. So I took him and I told him he will never see us again. The next day he was at my door asking for forgiveness but I don't feel like he's going to change. He still act's the same way. But now he says he don't give a fuck about anything I do.
The Answer
Just stay broken up. He's an abusive, controlling freak. He probably just remembered that his mommy doesn't put up with that shit. Tell him to go away. If he doesn't listen, call the cops. Don't put yourself in harms way.
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The Question
First off, minimum wage for tipped employees in my state, CO, is $5, and $8 for regular minimum wage.
I am a server at brand new restaurant/bar. I was in training for a few days (on the clock), and then started working on my own. I just got my paycheck and noticed I was only paid $5 for all of my hours, including my training hours, even though during those training hours I was not tipped at all. At my previous job, Old Chicago, I was paid the regular minimum wage of $8 per hour during all of my training hours. Is my current job allowed to be paying me $5 and hour for my training hours?
They also completely did not pay me for one of my days in training, and I was on the clock then too.
The Answer
It may be. It's would probably take more expertise than any of us have here to answer that question. In Colorado, the tipped minimum wage works on the assumption that your wage will average out to the normal minimum (or else your employer is required to make up that difference), so I can see it going either way, legally when it comes to training or staff meetings where tipping won't be happening, but I don't know.
You should absolutely point out that you weren't paid for a shift, but you might want to ask a proffessional about the minimum wage for training before you go making and accusations.
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The Question
21/f, 27/m
Some information about us that relates to this question: I have been dating this guy for two months now. We have not discussed whether or not if we were exclusive. We are talking to other people, but we're not seeing anyone else other than each other. He's admitted that he would like to be exclusive and that he would be upset if I dated other people... But we have not officially stated whether or not if we were exclusive. He's going on vacation from Friday-Early Monday morning. Usually when he's on a trip, he doesn't talk to me much. But, he used to?
To the story:
We went to see a movie three days ago and after the movie, he found out that my recent ex-boyfriend came by that morning to pick up his things (we broke up months ago). This started by me saying that I finally have my closet back and he asked if my sister was using it, I said, "no" and he said, "then who?" I told him it was my ex-boyfriend. I told him way ahead of time that my ex-boyfriend lived with me for awhile because he got kicked out of his house and had no job, no place to stay, so my family took him in for a while.
The guy I'm dating said, "that's weird that he's still there." I told him that he wasn't, and that he was just there that morning to take his stuff back. And he just looked at me and said, "you're weird. You're really weird. I'm going to go now. Have a good night." And left.
I texted him a few minutes later and asked, "why am I weird? I obviously said something that upset you. What's up?" And he didn't reply the rest of the night and he texted me the next night and told me that it's not the fact that I've dated a lot of people, it's the fact that a lot of them are still in my life. This included the people I dated when I was 12, 14, and 16 years old.
I told him that I'm the type of person who doesn't look back whenever I date someone. Once I move on, I move on for good and it'll be hard to rekindle the relationship. I'm not saying that it's impossible, but it's highly unlikely. I also told him that I see my exes here and there and talk to them, but not as often as before. I also told him that I also completely understand where he's coming from, especially if he was worried about my previous serious relationships.
I asked him, "what would you like me to do? What would make you feel better?" And he responded with, "I can't tell you to change that." I told him, "Can you please try to work with me on this? What will make you feel better? Do you want me to cut them out completely? Do you want me to keep my distance? What would you like?" And he told me that he was about to pass out and that he would respond to me the next day. The next day, he didn't text me so, I texted him to see if he has decided anything. He told me that he didn't have the opportunity to think about what I said yet, so I told him to let me know then. Knowing that he was on a trip until Monday morning, I was thinking about waiting until then...
but the more I think about it, that's BS. He didn't get the time to think about what he wants? Why can't he just tell me? If he wanted to end things with me, why wait until Monday? I'm wondering on what's going through his mind right now. Is he doing all of this because he thinks that he doesn't have the right to since we're not "officially exclusive"? Why do you think it's taking him so long to answer? Do you think it's because he's actually busy? Too busy to not send me one text all day? What do you think I should do?
The Answer
I think you should stop trying to read his mind and figure out what is going on in his head, and start asking yourself what is going on in your own head!
Is this really the sort of guy you want to get serious about? Do you want someone in your life who doesn't listen to you when you speak about the fact your ex had moved out, who doesn't trust you to be able to be friends with people you dated years and years ago, who doesn't respect you when you say you have no feelins at all for them and then won't even talk to you about it!? I wouldn't want this guy.
Do you want him to feel he has the 'right' to make demands of you, when he trusts and respects you so little already? I wouldn't want to commit myself to someone just so they felt they had more control over my life.
It's okay that he was feeling hurt or confused, but the way he's handling it is not okay. He's being mean and childish. You don't say why you are so into this guy, but he doesn't sound like much of a catch to me.
Instead of waiting for him to get his shit together, decide what you want, and what, if any, compromises you are willing to make when it comes to your friendships. Your opinion on all this is at least as important as his. Not every guy you date is worth holding on to, and you have the same right to make that choice as they do. Don't do backflips for someone who isn't worth your effort.
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The Question
I was on Instagram and came across a comment. It read:
"If you stop reading this your going to die. I am teresa fidalgo if you don't repost this on 20 photos I will sleep with you forever. This girl ignored an her mom died 29 days later and its true. You can search me on google". I posted that on 20 photos because I was so scared. I still am. I'm so scared and I don't know why. I searched the girl's name and saw a picture and immediently clicked out. I didn't read the story because I was so frightened... What should I do?? Is this normal? Please oh please help me.
The Answer
It's okay to be scared. These things are designed to scare people, but you have to remember that chain letters like this are always, completely and totally false.
They are created only to hurt people, and to spread like viruses. The best, kindest smartest thing you can do is NOT spread them. There are no monsters under your bed, and chain letters like this are always lies.
Here is a good how-to ignore these things: http://m.wikihow.com/Not-Get-Creeped-out-by-a-Chain-Letter
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The Question
I met this girl online. She says she's 15. She seems like a normal teenage girl. I use fake pictures because I don't want to use my real ones, but I do use my real first name. She has asked me when my birthday was and how old I was but not like "out of the blue" or anything. We were just on that subject.
I do think I'm safe, and I'll tell you why: I don't use my real pictures, she does seem like a regular teenage girl, she's mentioned her family a few times, and I've seen her like twice. I know it could be anyone, and that the internet isn't exactly "safe", but should I make something up just in case?
The Answer
Can you have a genuine friendship with someone if you are lying to them about who you are?
Look, there are a hundred ways you can slip up, and a person you are speaking to online can find you. Although I'm careful about what I post here on Advicenators, I've been here for years and mentioned friends, family, school and work. I'm sure a very, very dedicated individual could track down my personal email or social media accounts. I know that risk exists. I'm adult and I'm taking it.
Is this person a predator, out to snag you in some way? Probably not. But safety isn't about all the many, many perfectly friendly and kind people out there. It's about the very few people who are not friendly or kind.
The truth is that if you are looking for friends, you should volunteer or join a club, not look online. Online you should always be guarded and careful, especially as a minor.
The best thing you can do online is not 'lie' about your details but to say honestly "That isn't something I reveal to friends online." Not only will that often discourage a predator, you'll be helping other young people see that it's okay to set those sorts of boundaries. Some people may not want to be your friend if you do that, but you shouldn't be friends with people who don't respect your safety.
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The Question
I have been in a very wonderful relationship for about a year and a half that started on Jan 2013. In august, my partner met someone and became something with her. Only a few times. Took her to his house to have sex a couple of times also. We communicated well, texted always, but i guess he did this while he told me he took naps at home or went to the gym. I was not aware, neither was the other girl. December we decided to have a child. January 2014 i found out i was pregnant. Best news ever and we were both happy, he was always showing love for me, very supportive and was saving money for a home and baby things. But he still had someone else. I graduated highschool during my pregnancy and the next day (June 8th 2014) this girl confronted me. He said he was going to sleep around 10 pm but at 12 he called me saying he had to explain. I asked him one question, if it was true. He said yes. I just turned 6 months of being pregnant. He deleted accounts whede he communicated with this girl ; Instagram, kik, and snapchat. They never texted, called eachothed, she never met his family, never went out to places or spoke about deeper things like him and i did. But they were together while we were together. He already wrote to her saying she didnt deserve what he did to her, but she was an honest mistake that he wishes he could take back, and his number one priority is me. I saw the messege and she also told me right after. I wonder why didnt he just let her go. Not even when he decided to have a child with me.
The Answer
You'll need to ask him.
Maybe he was scared. Maybe he liked the thrill. Maybe he really cared about this girl. Maybe he just thought he could get away with it. Maybe it made him feel horrible and he'll never do anything like it again. Maybe he misses it and he'll do it again as soon as he thinks he can manage it.
We can't know. He might not even know the whole truth of it, but the one you have to turn to with these questions is him. In the end, if you want to be with this man, you'll need to trust what he tells you.
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The Question
I am a 21 year old Asian girl but it seems that whenever I apply any kind of makeup it has the effect of making me look old and harsh-looking, like I'm about 35. (Though curiously enough, when I go barefaced I look about 17) I've been told that it's important to wear makeup to auditions and job interviews and such but why do I look dreadful every time I put it on?
I've tried experimenting with different eyeshadows and lip colors but I look old and washed-out even when it's not dark shades. Like even when I wear a peach or pink lip gloss. Any kind of paint on my visage. Makeup is supposed to make you look more youthful, right? So what's the problem?
The Answer
Not a guy here!
Go see a pro.
I actually have the exact opposite problem. I'm in my twenties, I'm way more fair than average and can look 19 if I'm not careful with my makeup. Since I was a teenager I've relied on professional advice. When I first got interested in make up my clever mom shipped me off the a beautician for advice as a birthday gift. If you wanted to learn how to do yoga or pottery, you'd pay a teacher right? Same goes for makeup.
Nothing I can say here, and nothing you can read or watch online, can compare to professional advice. Ask your friends, and your friends moms, if they can recommend anyone. People who do special event or bridal makeup can be great, because they are less likely to be locked into promoting only one line, but if you have access to a large store like a Sephora or a department store with a good makeup section, go there and don't bother to look at the make up itself. Often the make up that will work best for you, will not be branded in the way to appeal to you. So instead walk around and look at the sales girls. Find the one whose personal make up you like the best, and chat her up. If you can pay for her time as a consultant, do that.
Be ready to drop some serious money on a few good items, as you learn what works for you, you can approach the cheaper stuff with more confidence and understanding, but contrary to most things, make up is a situation where you have to start at the top of the line and work your way down. Start at the bottom and you'll never figure it out.
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