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He still loves me... But we aren't together. Was I living a fairytale?
Jist of what happened in the past
- I liked his best friend, same college
- We met and even though things got messed up ended up liking each other
- Started dating when he passed out (im still doing my undergrad)
- we have been dating a year. I'm 19 he's 22
- our parents know about us and we have met both sides
- we met in college and then he passed out and started giving exams
- he couldn't clear the exams he gave so his parents got paranoid about him going on the wrong path or getting distracted because of me
- he promised his mom hed clear the last exam for us to prove to her he can do something
- he started working with this ngo in town so we would see each very often
- our friends knew and he even told his best buds that he'd marry me if we continue dating for a while
- we never had any problems even though he is a bit flirtatious with other women he was loyal to me
- Had a few fights because of the guys friends I had but it was all sorted out
A week back since I'm on vacation across the country he texted me saying that his result came out and he didn't clear it so he had to break up to concentrate on his career
He said he still loved me but he had to let this go since we were mad about each other. He said he hoped we got back together but couldn't promise anything for the future and didn't want to give me false hopes.
He said I was the best thing that happened to him. He also said his parents raised him and he needs to make them proud by achieving something in life and hence he needs to give up all the distractions in his life.
Its been a week and he wouldn't answer any of my calls or messages and has completely cut off. He told his friends he called it off and didn't give a reason and he wouldn't reply back to my friends at all.
I don't know what to do. I want him back because I love him even if it involves waiting but I don't know what is going on in his mind. I am also scared out of stupidity hed go any do something really reckless to get over me.
I don't know what to say to him when we meet when I get back but I am willing to do anything to rectify this. Do you have any advice as to why this happened and it could truly get him back? Or am I living in a dream world where fairytales exist and he is truly over me?
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My mum said that I had too concentrate on my modelling career so I had to give up all distractions such as my friends my boyfriend and my babysitting job and this advice column but I said it would make me depressed if I gave everything up and she said I could keep my friends and this column but I had to give up my boyfriend. I was heartbroken and I called it off and I felt bad so I went and slept with a bunch of guys this ended up badly and I told my mum listen you made me give up on the one guy I love and im not taking it by the time I asked him back out it was too late he had a new girlfriend but I know he loves me and that's enough I suggest you talk to his mum about this and say you won't distract him and you can help him with his career
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All this has happened due to his academic failure..He needs to focus on his career at this phase..let him clear his exams and settle his professional life..Try to contact him after he gets back his lost self esteem.. Even if he doesn't contact after that.. then he really doesnt want to make up with you..and if he does..then all's well... Give him some time.. and its better that you dont contact him in the mean time.. An unwilling person cant be forced to be with someone..And there are some questions of life which only time can give.. If you lose patience , you will never get your answer..
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I want to cry with you! I have been in your shoes before my dear!
He has sadly been influenced by his career driven parents.Its seems unfair and him failing in his schoolwork has eventually come up to take it out on you!
Its very possible that he's trying to get all his achievements together so he can be with you and he doesnt want any distractions.
Its also very possible,and even though he cut you off,he was trying to save you from further hurt of maybe lashing out at you because all this work of school is starting to be stressful to him.
I know you are hurting,but please hang around your friends and people love and support you.If its possible to hand him a note,or get a friend to send him a note that you've written that you love him and watever is on your heart.
I wish you well my dear!
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He isn't likely to do anything crazy; he sounds like he's making his decisions from a very rational place. You need to be rational too and stop trying to distract him from his goals. You wouldn't want a partner who couldn't respect himself or didn't have interests outside of you. There's nothing you can do to make him succeed, but you can restrain yourself from derailing him. Show him that you are enough of a teammate and a friend to give him space to pursue his own goals.
You are 19, you have your own goals to set in order. No matter how great the man may be, you need to have your own skills and talents. You have a full life ahead of you that can be used to discover and create and make a name for yourself. What's more, nothing is certain, you need to be sure you can earn a good income and now is the time to build those tools, just like he is doing.
Let him try to prove himself. If he comes back to you, you'll have a better, happier man after this. If for some strange reason he doesn't come back to you, then he's not who you thought he was.
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I believe he is telling you the truth. He really needs to put his education first right now and he was apparently not able to focus on his studies and have a girlfriend at the same time. He probably feels that the only way to achieve this is by cutting all contact or he will change his mind and then get distracted again. I know this must be very hard for you but you really need to just back away and let him alone for now.If you would convince him to continue the relationship and he flunks out and ruins his future he is going to always blame you for it and so will his family. If you really care for him the kindest thing you can do is let him go right now. If he really loves you he will come back when he is ready. In the meantime focus on your studies and what makes you happy as an individual. Maybe after taking a break from the relationship you will have a different perspective as well. At this point you really have no choice but to respect his decision in an adult manner. I think he will in turn respect you for allowing him the space he needs to pull his life together and get his education back on track. In the end I think everything will work out for the best!
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Maybe you should do what he is doing - concentrate on something other than a relationship for a while.
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It sounds like he just wants a break to focus on his studies and make his parents proud. If they feel you are a distraction to him then they are probably pushing him to focus his life.
It sounds like you both love each other.
Write him a letter maybe? Tell him how you feel and that you understand his decision and you'll wait for him. Enjoy your time away and try to get together and talk with him when you get back.
If you both really love each other, you will find a way to make it work.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
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I hate to be the bearer of bad news but from what you're telling me, it's pretty clear that he's over you. I don't buy the whole story about the exam being in the way, this guy seems to be keeping his options open knowing he can always turn to you, he's basically stringing you along for no reason and that will never end until you end it. You're not going to jeopardize his grades and if he loved you he could compromise. I understand it's really tough, but nobody deserves to go through that, once you realize that he's no good for you, you'll understand how he acted and that you shouldn't have wasted anymore time. One day you'll find somebody special but I'm sorry hun this guy isn't him.
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Hi there. Awe I feel bad for you. But, on your bf's part, I kinda have to agree with him. If he wants to become really successful, he has to get all of the things that might distract him out of his life temporarily. He does love you and still does. Have you ever heard the quote, "If you truly love something, set it free, and if it comes back, it's yours." He loves you so much, he had to set you free. He said that he didn't want you to have high hopes for him to come back. He just want you to be happy and to find a guy who loves you and won't leave you. He's blocking you out not just to keep him concentrated, but he truly does miss you and can't have any connection to you or he will be at loss. He set you free, but you can't come back, it will affect his future. If you truly loved him, you would respect that. You also have to set him free. If he comes back, he's yours. But like he said, "he con't promise anything and he doesn't want to give you false hopes." Find someone else and let go. Because if you don't, this relationship will hurt you forever. I hope you will find someone like him one day. Stay strong. Ask me anything if you want any more advice.
~glasses
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In my time, i have never seen someone just cut someone else off that they really care for to the degree your making me believe right now without it being a major thing. i do however understand the pressures that parents can place on a child to be the best.
The issue that should be asked here is, how willing is he to please them, and how much of his life is he willing to give up (you included who makes him happy) just to please them. A child will only go to certain lengths before theres a breaking point. I say if you can talk to him try to view in from that angle, because sometimes when parents put TOO MUCH on a childs shoulders, everything folds like a house of cards and they end up hating their parents forever because of the unrelenting pressure to be what they want him to be. If he had to give you up and you were the one that makes him the happiest for his parents then you can bet money he is in pain right now. but if hes not willing to tell them "look its not like that shes not a distraction, and your just looking for something to blame my failings on then youve got the wrong person" then theres only so much you can do.
theres going to come a time when he gets tired of their incessant B.S. because they want to carve his life the way they think it should be instead of letting him make his own way. Maybe not now, and maybe not over you, but it WILL happen eventually. The best thing you can do is tell him youll always care for him, and if he ever just wants to call and just talk that youll be there. Being supportive is going to be your biggest aset here, because you dont know what they could be trying to convince him of, in the hopes that they can say something like "ohh well you didnt need her anyway because she didnt even call you on your birthday or etc." (basically coming up with excuses for why your not good for him) so that he'll "forget about you". brainwashing could be a huge part of it if he was able to drop you so easily/what seemed easy based on what you said.
Your not living in a dream world, you clearly care for him and its a huge shock that he would just cut you out of his life. i know this road more than i want too trust me. He might HAVE to hit "rock bottom" or do something bad to try to get over you but if he loved you then it wont be that easy....good luck sweetie ; )
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Friend
I think you should both give him some time off I know it hurts but accept it with your heart.He has an acceptable reason he needs to ace that test for the future.Besides you will be part of that future.He is doing this for the future where both of you may or may not get marrried (Sorry for the last part.)But if you ever get married it would be hard if one of you did not have a job right?
Hope this helped.
(=)
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I do not think you are living in a dream world. He probably is not over you if you were really in love. Love doesn't just disappear.
There are several reasons he could have broken up with you. But, the most likely reason is that your boyfriend has gotten used to you being away on your trip and is enjoying his independence. He says he doesn't want to keep you waiting, but I think he does. I think he wants to go about his business and then have you back later. This would satisfy his parents and give him some space to act like a silly young adult before he takes you back. But, this is dangerous because chances are he will get addicted to the independence and will forget about your relationship in time.
My honest advice to you is the following: When you get back into town go to his doorstep. YOU MUST HAVE THIS CONVERSATION IN PERSON IN THE MOST DRAMATIC WAY POSSIBLE. You are creating a mod here! Tell him you have thought long and hard about this and that you cannot be without him. Repeat all of the promises he made to you and make him feel guilty. Then tell him you love him until the end of time and that you absolutely REFUSE to wait around while he establishes himself. Tell him you are NOT just a "distraction" and that you are hurt that he would ever call you that. Ask him if that's all your relationship ever meant to him. Chances are, he will say no and that he loves you. Tell him if he loves you he needs to man up and show it. Tell him he can't be so selfish as to break up with you over something like this. Let him know that MANY people have strong relationships and still pass school. Tell him if he didn't clear his exams that is because he did not try hard enough. Tell him other people manage and if he keeps having this attitude in life how does he ever expect to have a job and a family at the same time? We need to multi-task in life. Tell him it is time to grow up. Tell him you will not let him use you as an excuse for his failures and that your relationship is more than just a "distraction".
If he doesn't apologize at that point you are dealing with a heartless person. Walk away knowing that you tried and DO NOT CONTACT HIM. He WILL contact you.
Believe moi. Moi has a charm that is lethal to men.
Miss Piggy
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You want my opinion as to why this may have happened? I believe it is important once a young person becomes an adult to make as many decisions for themselves as possible and use the parents just as a sounding board. This means coming up with a couple possible options for yourself and then running it by the parents for their opinion....advice like you are seeking here. Whatever I say does not mean you have to do it. I can not tell anyone what to do with their life. No one has that right. The same goes for your boyfriend. Now that he is an adult, no one should be attempting to tell him what to do as one does when you are a child. Even if by ones inexperience, a person makes a less than perfect decision, at least they are more likely to learn from it.
His parents may be right as they know him best that he gets distracted easily. But they are doing him a dis-service by taking over and telling him what to do for one thing.
Also, it's what they are saying that bothers me. If he gets distracted easily, perhaps it's ADD, attention deficit Disorder. My opinion is that attempting to remove everything in his life that is distracting to him can amount to be quite a great list. Many people have BF/GF or a mate/spouse and are not distracted at work or school because of them. With as often as men think of sex, and they don't need a girlfriend to do it, if just thinking about sex were a distraction, then almost 100 percent of males in the world would never be able to graduate from school or hold down a job or drive a car safely from point A to B.
I don't think for one minute that you being a distraction to him is whats at the bottom of this.
He may be giving all decision making rights of his, up to his parents, allowing them to control his life now as an adult. He may feel unsure of him-self, may have a low self image, have fears and just figures its easier to let mom and dad make the decisions for him. A person like this, if changes aren't made soon, will grow up to still be a child in an adult body when he's in his 30's, 50's, etc.... with his parents still running his life.
As to what chances there are of getting him back...I do not know. If he is unwilling to answer any texts calls or on line messages from you, it will be hard fare or you to bring the situation up with him.
If you do get a chance to talk, I'd ask if he has ever been tested for ADD. Its very common today and many have it and get medication that helps them to concentrate. His parents may be against medicating but removing what they deem to be distractions is not going to help. Thats not the answer. Is he over you? If he's doing this just to please the parents and follow their directions, then probably not. A person can't turn off their feelings just because they are not in a relationship that someone else tells them to cut off and leave. If you indeed are a distraction and wanted too attention so he couldn't study, then some time without you around should be able to prove the parents right or not.
Let some time go by and try contacting him again. If his concentration isn't any better, then you'll know it wasn't you that caused it and you might bring that point to his attention.
Good luck dear.
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The best chance you have of keeping your relationship alive, is letting him go right now. Call your friends off of him (it's not nice to for them to badger him or interfere) and give him some space.
It doesn't sound like he's 'over you' but it does sound like he has made a decision about what his priorities are right now, and that doesn't include you. It's okay to be sad, or to be angry with him, but his choice also deserves respect.
The best thing you can do right now, to keep this person in his life, is to respect his choice and let him know that you still want to be IN his life, even if it's not as his girlfriend.
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