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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Do I have a STD after I gave my new boyfriend a BJ and my throat is a little sore
The Answer
You can get STIs from giving a blow job. It is possible, that if your boyfriend has an STI, you may contract it during oral sex.
Herpes is the one you are at greatest risk of during oral sex, but gonorrhoea is also commonly spread that way and nearly all STIs can be spread via oral sex. Other infections, like yeast infections in the mouth or sinus infections, can also be linked to having performed oral sex.
You aren't going to 'catch' strep throat from swallowing semen. Strep throat is it's own bacterial infection. If your boyfriend had strep throat, you could catch that just by being around him but it has nothing to do with his penis. If you are prone to strep throat infections, oral sex may certainly increase your risk of them by introducing the foreign bacteria and irritant that is semen into your throat, but you don't catch it from, because he didn't have it to begin with.
You might also just have a sore throat. It could be that you caused some friction at the back of your mouth that has led to pain or muscle soreness, or you could have a negative reaction to semen. Lots of people find that swallowing semen irritates their tonsils or throat in the short term.
If you are worried, talking to your doctor is the best move. It is possible you contracted an STD, and it's also possible you just irritated your throat.
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The Question
Hello.
I'm a 22 year old female with a past of unhealthy and shakey relationships,lasting between 2 to 6 months.
However, in this case.. I have been on and off with the same person for around two years. For some of you out there, you may not find this all too impressive. But to me, it's something that has been really hard for me to fathom.
Our relationship started very quickly and passionately. We met in the mall through a mutual person and instantly hit it off. We could read each other's emotions pretty well (or so I thought), and I really fell for him fast. The thing that held us back the first time around was his drug usage.
After a few months of breaking up and getting back in touch, he really seemed to have changed. He was taking care of himself more, appeared more composed and thoughtful. So.. we gave it another round.
We really hit it off that time. We were very in tune.. always talking about our feelings and making plans for the future. Then he betrayed my trust and came to my house blazed out of his mind. I found out within a week that he not only had sex with me while he was high, but that he also lied about his father abusing him and that he used to be a coke addict. I get if someone lies about those things not happenings.. but why lie that they did? I get it was for attention, but that's some heavy things to lie about.
It took a huge toll on me. You see, I never truly trusted anyone until I met him. I always remained guarded and suspicious. But for him I completely let myself open. I told his parents about him using and what he did. He agreed to give up that life and to move back in with them so that he could live a more productive life.
I thought since he made that decision, that things could maybe be different.
We made it work for awhile, but I never truly healed from that initial heart break. He made it worse by inviting his old room mate over to our place and trying to hide it from me.
He would watch pornography while I was upstairs sleeping. I caught him on a hook up site (though he claims it was only for pictures). He admitted he lied that his ex girlfriend had an abortion and left him.
It seemed like everything was starting to repeat itself. He makes me feel like I'm crazy.. like I'm looking for mistakes. But he makes the same ones over and over again!
So, I decided I was moving out after he told me it's my fault he can't change. Even though I'm guarded and suspicious over the pain he has caused me. He instantly changed his tone and cried and begged for me to stay. Literally in a fetal position yelling that he would change. At that point, I had completely shut off emotionally. I couldn't connect to him because he put me through so much, and I felt the tears weren't even real.
I have a new place now.. and I have a few weeks until I move. But you see, I still am having a hard time thinking of him not being around. I do have a big problem with abandonment and I accept that. But I should know better by now that he will only cause me pain.
On top of this, he gave me herpes.. something that I can never get rid of and that people will judge me for. How can I trust that the next guy won't just push me away from that alone?
I feel broken, used, hurt and worthless. I know I'm strong enough to live on my own.. but damn, I wish my mind would catch up to my heart and be at rest.
So I ask.. what do I do to keep moving? Am I crazy? And is there even a small chance that he could ever change?
The Answer
He's probably not going to change, and even if he did, that doesn't mean he's changing into someone who is right for you. His behaviour was abusive and manipulative. Even if he gets better, you should never walk back down that road with him. It'll never be a good place for you to be.
Also, cut yourself some slack! Having "a past of unhealthy and shaky relationships,lasting between 2 to 6 months" isn't a pattern, it's called being 22 years old! For better or worse, a lot of us make poor decision while we are figuring out what love looks like. You may have been used, but you are not broken. You are young, and smart enough to walk away from something that isn't working. Lets be honest, most people are older than you before they have the sense to walk away from a guy like that - so pat yourself on the back - you are ahead of the curve.
You have a lot on your mind, and I might suggest that you are focusing on the icky past with him because it's a bit easier than focusing on the even scarier unknown future. Tell your mind to shove it and stop looking backwards. There isn't a magic trick to it, just realize that is what is happening, and stop it. Being in a new place will certainly help, until then, try to keep your hands busy. That will quiet your mind until it has better things to focus on.
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The Question
So my boyfriend of 7 years has been distant. I get the relationships have ups and downs. Things have been great lately. So as I was shredding old mail I happen to see 'Chatturbate' on last months bank statement. We have separate accounts so it was his money. Everyone watches porn, I'm okay with that. These webcam sites are different. It's direct interaction with people for sexual gratification. Needless to say I scanned the statement and found nearly $100 spent in a month for the site. Not small change since he doesn't make much money. I'm not proud but I did snoop a bit and found he had a skype account that I didn't know about. It was logged in so I skimmed the chat. He paid $40 for a for a private video from someone he met on Chaturbate. I don't think he's meet anyone in real life but the private chat was graphic enough to make me upset. The person seemed only interested in the cash while my bf seem only into the performer. I watch porn. I get wanting a hot fantasy. I've never personally talked to the person in the porn I watch. Never said thing to them like how hot they are and how much they turn me on. Honestly it's hit my self esteem and I'm a fairly attractive person. Up until now I had total trust in him. He noticed I was upset and I skated around the issue. Enough to ask if he's happy and still wants to be together. I couldn't bring myself to tell him I snooped. I said I was emotional and just feeling weird vibes. He assured me yes and he did ask why I would ask these things. To the reader, sorry to ramble. Is this cheating? Do I confront him with what I know? How do I trust him again? Am I overreacting?
The Answer
Cheating isn't a law, it's a breach of trust and the breaking of an agreement.
Did you reasonably expect that your relationship agreement did NOT include him having sexy video chats with other people? Did you reasonably expect it didn't include him hiring sex workers (even just online) to service him?
Yeah. That's a perfectly reasonable expectation for you to have. It was entirely reasonable for you to believe that sure - he watches porn and has other private sexual fantasies and thoughts that don't include you - but that he doesn't have sexual encounters with others.
He had sexual encounters with others. Put the word 'Cheating' on hold for a while, and focus on what is true: You didn't think you had a relationship where that was okay, and he hid it from you as well, so obviously he also suspected that it wouldn't be an okay thing in your relationship together.
Do you confront him? Yeah, that is probably wise. This isn't just about your self-esteem, this is about making sure you are on the same page and are both having your needs met. It's also about respecting the reality of shared finances in a relationship. Maybe, you can come come to a new relationship agreement that does include some of the this kind of sexual activity for him if it's something he really enjoys and you can be at peace with. But until that new agreement is made, he's betraying you. Of course that hurts. The sooner you address it, the sooner you both have the chance to start healing it.
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The Question
My wife and I have been married for 47 years. Admittedly shew has made some good financial decisions over the years but now I am concerned about something very serious. We have approximately 95,000.00 in nth stock amrket. ait goes up and down, most.y down lately. I want it all sold and the money put into the bank where it never goes down. She refuses and I hate confrontation. She will simply not talk about it. I asked her one question that I thought would seal the sell it all deal. "Is there more of a chance of it getting to 100,000 or going to 80,000.00"? we've all seen the crashes and we're to old to go through another one. What do you suggest?
The Answer
You didn't ask a question. You made an accusation. That's why it was a confrontation - you started it as a confrontation rather than a conversation. You asked a question thats only purpose was to make her feel bad and try to make her agree with you. That's not a question at all. It's just an attack.
It sounds like your wife may know far more about the stock market than you do, and rather than asking her questions designed to make her see it your way (which will not work, if she does in fact understand these things better than you do) you need to ask her questions about WHY she feels the current plans are good ones and what her future intentions are with the investments.
Ask her WHY she is comfortable with the current investments.
Ask her WHAT her goals are and when she'll be looking to get out of the stock market.
Stop pretending that your concerns are anything more than your feelings - because that's all you have. Your fears are meaningful. it's important to share with her if you are feeling frightened about your money situation, but your fears aren't automatically more important than her knowledge about the investments.
You also have to consider whose money it is. You are not entirely clear on whether or not this is - legally speaking - her investments or your shared investments. If they are hers, than her choice stands regardless of your feelings.
Stop trying to force her to see it your way and instead, make a very, very serious effort to understand her position. If you can respect the fact that she has made this money, and has made wise investments in the past, then you need to try to respect her opinions at this time. It okay to be afraid, but you have to be honest about your fears and your lack of knowledge, and instead of trying to make her do whatever you feel is right, you need to respect the knowledge she has.
The more you respect her knowledge the more likely she is to respect your feelings of fear.
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The Question
I haven't been on this site for literally years but I thought someone here could help me. I can't go to my friend with this because I've told her similar things before and she immediately says the worst, like he is cheating and hiding things from me.
I'd really like someone else's opinion, please.
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and he is 21 and I am 20. I basically live with him and I'm with him pretty much all the time. BUT I can never touch his phone. He literally fights me over it if I get ahold of it. He also has two phones. He says one is for games and the other is for calling and texting. I've been on the games one before freely with his permission. The other one I have only been on when I snuck around when he was sleeping, and I did find horrible heart-crushing things on it. He was talking to multiple girls, and even in sexual ways. He told one girl that he was going to have sex with her when he visited another state and she was agreeing to it.
Talking to him about it, he denied everything I said and said he was never actually going to have sex with her.
(This wasn't the first time I saw him talking to other people. A couple months before he was talking to his ex, who we went through terrible things with. She is psycho and I don't know why he'd even think about talking to her. I guess she was hard to let go.)
I've accused him before of continuing to talk to other girls, calling them beautiful, deleting the messages after, etc. He gets extremely mad, yells at me, and leaves the room. I can recall this happening 3 times where I'm seriously crying and scared of him.
It seems like every day I see on his phone a pop-up saying a girl accepted his friend request. I ask him and he says its someone he knew from where he lived before, and he had a lot of friends who were girls. But all of them are like... Beautiful, have lots of likes on their pictures(from him too), and.. ya know? Like, they don't seem like real girls. But their location sure enough says where he is from. BUT who even has that many friends? He adds a LOT of girls. "That request is from a long time ago." Yeah, okay.
He also used to take his phone in the shower with him. I say USED TO because he doesn't shower when I'm there anymore, I'm assuming because I confronted him about it.
One last thing, I was on his games phone and went on his Facebook to see him telling another girl she's "so beautiful" and then later, it was gone. He doesn't remember it all at. So, I know he deletes everything. And, of course, denies it.
I'm sorry this is so long. If someone can give their opinion on this, like how I can help the situation or help fix these problems we have, I'd be very appreciative. I really do love him. Taking away all of these things I mentioned above, he does NOT seem like someone who would cheat. I know him really well. But all of this is beyond my mind.
The Answer
You are insecure and anxious, and he likes to keep secrets, and at very least, skirt the line of cheating.
You are a romantic match made deep in the pits of hell. His horrible behaviour triggers the worse in you. It's a mess. It's a disaster waiting to happen.
You KNOW he's dishonest. So what if he hasn't actually fucked someone else? He's dishonest. So what if he seems like he wouldn't cheat? He lies constantly. He lives his entire life, even deciding when to shower, in order to make sure he is best positioned to lie and deceive you. Maybe he'll never fuck anyone else. He will clearly, always, be a liar.
You don't fix that. You run screaming from that. You break up before these habits damage your ability to have healthy, respectful relationships in the future. You break up before you loose your ability trust and be good to others because you learn to function in a relationship based on fear and deceit.
You may not be flawless. You have your problems I'm sure, but this guy is a tumour. If you don't cut him out soon, he will ruin your ability to work on your personal issues with someone who isn't a liar.
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The Question
For the past two years I've been on 30mg of Adderall XR a day and it's made a lot of positive changes in my life. For some reason I'm starting to feel bad about being dependent on this substance. It's an addictive drug and I'm paranoid that it will harm my long-term health. I know I will have to be off of it eventually, so should I try to get off of it sooner than later? My concern is that the longer I stay on it, the more my whole life will depend on it. I'm scared that when I go off it my life will completely collapse and and it will force me to reset everything, including my personality.The medicine has helped me to be more in touch with my surroundings, which has given me life-changing social confidence. Since beginning adderall, I've been at a healthy weight whereas before I was overweight and I REALLY don't want to go back to that. When I have to miss a day, I feel depressed. PLEASE tell me this is a withdrawal symptom and not my natural state. Should I try to go off of it in two years when I'm no longer a student or now? In general what should I do??
The Answer
Are you going to try and cut off your foot when you are no longer a student too? I mean, you really totally depend on that foot right? God forbid you are too depend on having feet!
Seriously. If something is making your life so much more manageable and joyful, why would you get rid of it?
Why do you "know you'll have to get off it sooner or later"? Did your doctor tell you that?
Adderall certainly has risks, but it's approved for long-term use and some people do use it in that way. There is also evidence that shorter-term use of adderall may have long-term positive effects on the brains of people with ADD and ADHD.
My advice would be not to panic, and speak to your doctor. It's fantastic to find a drug that is working well for you. So long as it keeps working well, and there aren't increased risks or dependency, then why stop?
If you find you need to stop taking adderall, don't panic. Get your a good therapist and you'll be able to hold on to a lot of gains you've made. A lot of what you've learned on Adderall, will still be skills you have without it.
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The Question
I enjoy going to massage parlors. Sometimes I get a 'happy ending' and sometimes I don't. Would this be considered cheating?
The Answer
Yes.
Your partner has a completely fair expectation that you are not going to massage parlours to get off. Your purposeful keeping of this secret is a betrayal. That is what cheating is: A betrayal, a breaking of an agreement or understanding.
Unless your partner knows about the sexual nature of your massage parlour visits and agrees they are acceptable, then it is cheating.
It is also, in many many places, illegal. Many of the women who do that sort of work, are doing it under duress. If for not other reason than a desire to NOT support human trafficking, you should really stop doing that. It's not okay.
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The Question
I got glasses today and I'm kinda scared to wear them. Not because of how I look (because I look fabulous) but because normally I see pretty well. I can see when we take note (even if I sit kinda far in the back. But something's that are REALLY small I can't see. In my opinion I don't think glasses are super necessary. And I don't want people to be like "you don't need glasses" "your faking it" "you see better than I do" because it's honestly not even to the point where I can't see what's in front of me like most of my friends. What should I do?
The Answer
Whenever you change anything about yourself, some people are going to say stupid things.
All you have to do is say "I'm going to wear my glasses when I feel I need to wear them. They are my fucking eyes people, I am the only one who knows what I can or can't see."
Most people aren't going to care. Some people will be assholes. The best way to shut it down is to just tell thank them for utterly uninformed opinion on your eyes, and make your own damn decisions.
Don't let it get to you, insist they respect the fact that you are the authority on the subject of whether or not you put on your glasses
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The Question
Good morning and good afternoon advicenators. I am an 20 years old girl with a boyfriend who is 23. We have been together for the past 2 years. Here is my situation: Tuesday of last week, my boyfriend texted me in the morning but I did not answer his text. Later in the afternoon he called me but I did not pick up. All this was because I was frustrated with school and I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. Of course he got upset and felt as if I was ignoring him but I was not. I was planning to call him later before I went to bed. I had no intention on making him feel bad about it but when he confronted me with it I apologized and he forgave me. since then, our relationship has been off-balance. He has been ignoring me but I act as if I dont notice it because I feel like he wants to get revenge. When I text him, he takes forever to text back but I always text him right back. When I call him at night, he doe not pick up and texts me in the morning saying that he went to bed early. I really do not know what to do. Can someone please advice me on what I should do. Thank you in advance.
The Answer
Tell him what you think is happening.
Don't pull that passive aggressive girly shit of saying "Is something wrong?". Your instinct and common sense have told you what is likely wrong, so do the same thing he did. Be direct and say "I feel like you are ignoring my texts AND I'm worried you are doing this to punish me for what happened last week."
Maybe he doesn't realize he is doing this. Maybe he'll get over it on his own in a few more days. Or maybe, he's being a really immature little prick who said he forgave you and then turned around and had his own secret little temper tantrum where he tries to punish you for a mistake you made that you admitted, and apologized for.
If he agrees that that is what he is doing, on purpose, remind him that is not how forgiveness works and that he has to be honest with you, not play games when he is upset.
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The Question
I met a guy online. We have been messaging each other for about 4 months. He wants to meet but I'm a little hesitant about it. Mostly due to safety reasons and his behavior. He always wants to rush things. On the dating site we met on, he gave me his number right away and guilt me into calling him by threatening not to speak with me again. I didn't call him until I felt ready, which was two weeks ago. Yesterday, I caught a bug was sleeping in bed for a day and a half. I checked my phone after I woke up and saw that he left me a bunch of text messages. I even missed his call. He really wants to met by next month.
The Answer
Trust your gut.
If you are an adult, and are trying online dating, then it's probably going to be good for you to know that most people want to meet within a few weeks. Four months is a long time to just talk to someone. Most perfectly sane people want to meet in person before that to see if there is any in-person chemistry. Frankly, it's as safe to meet with someone you've spoken to a few times as it is to meet with someone you've spoken to for months. It's all about how you plan the meet, not about how many texts you've exchanged.
More important than that though, is that you should always trust your gut. If you aren't feeling secure and happy about meeting with this guy, then don't meet with him. If you are getting a bad vibe, then end it right now.
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The Question
hello! so, i know how to customize your profile/privacy settings to how it is that you can control who views your posts or who posts on your wall. Currently, I have the privacy setting on where only I can see who posts on my wall. However, I want to make it so that only friends can view it... BUT, there are certain comments that only I want to see. Is there a way that I can make it so that that ONE comment is only for me and that not all my friends can see it. Thanks!
The Answer
Can't be done.
Although you can control the settings on each and every post YOU make on your own Facebook page, you cannot control each post your friends make individually, only as a group.
You can either keep all posts to your wall private, or make them all friends only/public. You cannot control how one particular one functions. (Except, of course, you could delete it.)
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The Question
My best friends mom is super strict, like she is now making my friend pay rent and for food when she can't even get a job yet, and her mom doesn't care. It doesn't even seem like she loves her at all. She just wants her to clean the house all the time. My friend is 16, and when she tells me about all the fights she has with her mom, I never know what to say except that I'm sorry and how unfair it is. Does anyone have any ideas on how i can help her?
The Answer
That is not just unfair - it's abuse.
Probably best for you to encourage your friend to speak to an adult she can trust. A teacher, or a coach or a counsellor. As adviceman said, her mother insisting on payment from a 16 year old is unlikely to be legal. If her mother can't support her daughter, there are other ways to address that. Forcing the child to 'pay up' isn't the moral or legal way to do that.
The best thing you can do to help her, is to connect her and support her reaching out to adults that really can help her. Neither of you can fix this yourselves.
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The Question
I have been hearing that swimming is a great way to lose weight. I am considering learning to swim but the problem I have is since I am overweight will I be able to float and stay straight in the water like other people do? Also I am 23 years old
The Answer
Yes. You'll be able to swim.
Unless you are so obese that you are basically unable to move your limbs, you'll be able to be remain basically buoyant.
If you've never learned to swim as a child, it will b a bit tricky at first, but the good news is that it's exactly like riding a bike. Once you learn, you'll always have that skill.
If you are worried about learning to swim, you might try other water exercises first. Water aerobics is a good way to exercise, it would help you get acclimatized to being in the water, and it tends to be a bit gentler on your joints (which can take a bit of a beating if you are carrying extra weight).
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The Question
This question is really for people who have managed to work out relatively happy marriages. Preferably men who are experienced in marriage would be helpful too, but women might also be able to help.
I am worried about my best friend's marriage. I really don't want this to turn into a big problem, leading to him getting a divorce. He would be absolutely crushed.
My best friend is 30 years old and he moved out of state to live with his girlfriend, who he married two months ago. The two of them have lived together for over a year.
The problem is more complicated once you consider the different cultures between the two partners. His wife was born in China and immigrated to Canada when she was four years old, and later moved to the United States at age 24.
He, my best friend, is a geek who is not into sports but he is still all American. His parents basically raised him by following the American dream, they met in high school, established careers, got married and brought their own home where they raised two children, a boy and a girl.
This morning he texted me explaining that she frustrates him sometimes by giving him the silent treatment and asking if he still loves her. He is the socially awkward type who lost his virginity at age 23, after finally getting a real girlfriend, and this is his first real long-term relationship. The two of them have been together for three years. So, I assume that it's a communication problem, and sometimes the negligence of showing how much he truly loves her.
Another issue is that they never get time apart. Seriously, they are together sixteen hours a day, living together in a small one studio apartment, working together at her brother-in-law's company, etcetera.
Also, he has never had any real independence. He lived with his parents until he finally moved out of state to be with his now wife. So, his parents basically did everything for him for most of his life. His dad still pays his cellphone bill.
I suggested that they do whatever it takes to get some time apart. Regardless of whether or not that is renting a room in the beautiful state that borders them, getting a smaller friendly dog to take on walks in the park, or making their own friends who they hang out with by themselves at times. He thinks that the idea of renting a separate room is ridiculous.
At 23 I am still considerably younger than him, and I sometimes feel awkward giving advice because I really don't know what to say. Please help me help him, he has always been there for me when I needed him and it's turn to do something for him.
My mother and grandmother are stressing that I need to basically stay out of this. I dated him for five months years ago, I lost my virginity to him, so there is a history there. HOWEVER, I have a boyfriend of three years, who is absolutely awesome, and has no reservations about this friendship.
Please don't tell me to cut him out of my life, or that I'm making problems in the marriage, because I need him in my life. He is so supportive and amazing, and the past is definitely behind us.
The Answer
You need to stay out of this. You are an ex girlfriend, and just because you don't want him back or anything, doesn't mean that the history you is a non-issue. Simply your status as ex girlfriend could make his problems worse, not better, no matter how little interest either of you have in the other.
"Staying out of it" doesn't mean you can't be there for him when he calls, or listen sympathetically, but it doesn't mean that offering advice isn't your job. The best advice you can give him is to seek counselling - if she wont go with him, he can go alone.
You may certainly be right that he has personal needs and interests that need addressing, but some of the rest of your advice (getting a dog, renting another room) really does betray your lack and experience as well as crosses the line to inappropriate meddling in his marriage.
It's lovely and normal to want to give someone advice when they are unhappy, but it really doesn't sound like your impulse to advise is helping right now. Being a friend doesn't mean having all the answers, it just means listening, connecting and respecting another person.
Keep the friendship - but stop it with the half-thought out advice and meddling. Don't feel bad for not being his therapist. That's not your job. You are there to listen and be a friend, not have the all the answers to his marriage woes. He and wife are the two people who are capable of coming up with those answers. It's not your role, and if you try to take it on, you'll get burned.
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The Question
Hey all.
This is my first post.
My girlfriend has the tendency to get really upset when things do not go her way. We're both 18. They relationship is pretty much perfect and we're both very happy with each other.
For example, yesterday she wanted to play Just Dance and I told her I was not in the mood. She persisted and took it so seriously, and played Just Dance for 15 minutes afterwards without saying a single word to me. She realizes that she does this and she wants to change herself and we do not know how to.
Please help.
Thanks.
The Answer
Therapy?
The honest answer is - this aint your problem. This is her problem and she needs to take control of her own feelings and behaviours. There might be basically nothing you can do to help her with this. It's all on her.
I'm never fond of making a boyfriend or girlfriend feel like it's their job to be the therapist for their partner. Really, encourage her to talk to someone about her anger. Chances are this is a problem that manifests in a lot of areas of her life, and could be holding her back with friends, family and definitely could hurt her at work. It's the kind of thing therapy is meant for, and is really good at.
She knows she has a problem. If she had a problem not knowing how to fix her car, or a broken lamp, she's look for professional advice. This is the same thing. She deserves a pro.
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The Question
21/f, 28/m
Long story short: I've been with a guy for a 7-8 months.
I have this gut instinct that majority of the time is correct. For example, my gut instinct tells me to bring an umbrella but I don't, it starts raining later on. I had a gut instinct a few days ago that something was wrong in my relationship. I decided to ignore it because it I didn't understand what it was about. Later on, his ex-girlfriend started popping up in my mind and I thought I was just being paranoid. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and that if something were to happen, he would tell me himself.
In the end, I snooped and went through his phone and saw a short conversation between them two. I was not worried about her because she was the one who broke up with him, but I did question his loyalty towards me. It turns out my gut instinct was correct. I didn't mind him trying to be friends with his ex-girlfriend, the only thing that had me change my mind is what he said to her. She asked him for a link to a website that he used and said she was sorry for interrupting. He said that she shouldn't be sorry and that he "missed having her in his life". She asked if he has been dating anyone and he responded, "yes, but they're nothing compared to you. You set your standards up pretty high. You should be proud of yourself." And she said thanks and the reason why she was asking was because she wanted to know that he was moving on. She said that she has been dating a few people and that she found someone that she really liked but the only downside was that he lives in Australia. His response was, "oh, congratulations" and she said, "Thanks for the link. I hope you're doing well and you'll find someone that's good for you. We just weren't the right fit."
I was upset when reading it. I wanted to give him a chance to tell me. In the end, he did admit to me that he spoke to her a few days ago... He told me partially the whole truth, but not the whole truth. He tried convincing me by showing me his messages to her, but he DELETED the "i miss having you in my life," "yes but nobody compares to you" messages. He lied to me, told me I was being crazy, and that was the whole message. I then told him that he deleted something and he denied it for two hours. I revealed to him that I was snooping and I did happen to read it. I'm not saying that it was right to snoop, I was just hoping that my gut instinct was wrong and was a false alarm. He got quiet for awhile and then he finally admitted that he did delete a few messages.
I was really upset. I told him that I was fine if he wanted to be friends with his ex-girlfriend, but the reason why I was not okay with it now was because of the way he spoke to her. I thought it was rude and disrespectful towards me. She's dating someone and she's not telling him that she missed having him in her life, etc. I said I would've considered it fine if he just sent her the link and just said, "hey, it's no problem. How are you doing?" versus "I miss having you in my life."
I told him that I felt like it was disloyal, dishonest, and disrespectful towards me. He couldn't see it... He didn't see it as him being disloyal. He apologized for lying and he told me that he doesn't want to get back together with her. He admitted that when we first started dating, he wasn't completely over her and that he was still debating about me. He then said that his feelings for her has changed up until now and his feelings for me have changed, too. He said he just wanted to be friends with her because she was a big part of his life and it was upsetting that she didn't even want to be friends with him (at least right now). And that he wanted to be serious with me.
He said that the way he worded the way he said those things to her, was that she knows him better than anybody else and he knows her better than anyone else other than her parents, she would understand what he meant. But it didn't seem like it to me if she asked him right afterward if he was dating other people. I told him that I was uncomfortable of him talking to her that way, and if she didn't want to be friends, I thought it would be healthy for him to let it go.
If anything, he got defensive. He seemed to use the fact that I "snooped" a bigger deal. He said he didn't feel guilty of the conversation or the way he spoke to her but he did feel bad that I read it. I told him that if he told me everything from the beginning, I wouldn't have snooped, I would have trusted him to continually tell me things like that if he told me the first time. He didn't see it as him being disloyal, but he did apologize and see fault in lying. He told me he didn't want to tell me because during the day that she messaged him, he thought about it only for about that day and they didn't talk for months before. And after that, he forgot about it and focused on me. He tried seeing me more and he wanted to make me his priority.
After him lying to me and the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I'm not sure what to do or what to think. I was hoping to gain some perspective from a third-party on this situation. What do you think I should do? Do you think he's telling me the truth? Or is he lying? Should I forgive him and set boundaries and consequences? Or should I completely leave him?
The Answer
Do you believe him?
Here's the thing: You were never expected to see those messages. They were private. They were how he felt at one time, for a few minutes, while texting an ex. It's not disrespectful of him to HAVE feelings like that, or even to type them to someone. It might have hurt you, but that doesn't mean he is a horrible person. Feelings evolve and change, daily, even hourly. The fact that he felt that way once, doesn't mean he's definitely a filthy liar. He could just mean that he is a complicated and messy human being, like all of us are.
He could be telling you the complete truth - He felt that way once, or for a moment in time, but it doesn't reflect all the ways he think and feels for you now.
Here is the thing, not only did you snoop - you lied about snooping in order to entrap him. The right way to handle that would have been "Dude, I snooped. I shouldn't have, and I am sorry, but we need to talk about what I found because it's a serious issue." You didn't come clean about your snooping, not because you wanted to give him a chance to be honest, but because you were hurt and you wanted to make him hurt. You snooped, which is wrong and a betrayal, and then you lied about having snooped, which is also wrong and betrayal.
He is legitimately pissed with you. What you did is at LEAST as bad as what he did. Frankly, I think it's way worse. What he did may well have been a momentarily lapse in judgement. You actively choose to snoop through his things and then again actively choose to lie about what you'd done.
Seriously. You don't have to like it, or even admit to it yourself, but you fucked up at least as badly as he did. What you did was at least as disrespectful and disloyal. It doesn't mater much at all what you found, or what your gut told you, it matters what you did and did fucked up.
If you don't believe his explanation, then break it off.
If you believe him when he says that he wants to be serious with you now (which could absolutely be the 100% truth, I don't know. You are the one who actually knows him. You're going to be the best judge of that.) then you should forgive this. Not punish him or set boundaries or consequences - you have ZERO right to pull that sort of shit. You have no moral high-ground here - just forgive, believe in him, and move forward.
And, if you believe him and want to be with him, you also need to ask his forgiveness, both for the snooping, and the shitty, mean-spirited way you handled what you found out.
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The Question
Do you think this food is worth the added cost? I wan't to do the best for my puppy but I don't know if she would even care. What do you think?
The Answer
Your puppy probably won't care, but that doesn't mean it's not better to give her good food. Just like a kid wouldn't care (or might even like) eating McDonalds every night, it's still the grownups job to make sure they get what they actually need to be healthy.
Taste of the Wild is a pretty good food. Lots of the cheaper foods you can get at grocery stores are basically junk food for dogs - they are awful and full low-grade meat byproducts and fatty fillers. Feeding your dog a better food will really help your dog live a better life (and look prettier!). It's totally worth it.
I like to use dogfoodadvisor.com when I'm looking at dog foods. It is important you pick the right food for your dog (one they like, and ideally one that is easy for you to get.)
Here is the entry for Taste of the Wild on dogfoodadvisor.com. You'll see it's a 4.5 outta 5. A really good grade. I actually feed my dog Fromm, which actually gets a slightly lower rating of 4, but it's a good fit for him in a bunch of other ways.
http://www.dogfoodadvisor.com/dog-food-reviews/taste-of-the-wild-dog-food-dry/
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The Question
how should i respond to his threat? he said he would distribute the pics in the net and my school's facebook page. please help
The Answer
If you are a high school student, than not only is he making a criminal threat, what he is suggesting he would do is a criminal act. Posting explicit photos of an underage girl is the kind of thing that can get him on the sex offenders registry for life.
So tell him you'll call the police if those photos show up anywhere, and you'll show them the threats he made. And if he's very lucky, all that will happen in the police will talk to his parents and he's likely to get suspended from school for his actions against a fellow student. If he is less lucky, he could be looking at time in jail and a lifetime on the same list with rapists and pedophiles. However you look at it, it's just not worth it.
Then you should tell your parents or at least, another trusted adult in your life. You made a mistake, but that's okay. A lot of people make mistakes like this sometimes. You still deserve support and you should ask for it. Don't suffer alone with this fear and stress.
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The Question
my girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We've told one another to block certain people on our social networks because of past experiences. She is now into these things with ultimatums. Stating that it's either something or her. She suddenly doesn't trust me out of nowhere and always accuses me of doing something I'm not supposed to be doing when Im not with her. It's getting to the point where our arguments are suffocating me. My best girl ffriend and I talked about kind of liking each other but left it at that due to the fact that we are both in long lasting relationships. My girlfriend found out and she hadn't had a problem till now. Now she wants me to block her and she wants to control who my friends are. I have to ask her permission to go hang out aND if she's not "comfortable" with it then I can't go out. Basically I am only allowed to hang out with her. She has done some great things I will always be thankful to her for but idk if that's the only reason why I'm staying in this. I don't want to block my friend because she nor I ever crossed the line even tho, to my gf, we did. I also don't want to block some of my friends cause they're my friends. I don't want my relationship to be based on fear and power. I told her I'd stop talking to them but not block them. To me, that is a compromise and relationships are based off of that. Am I right? Am I wrong? What should I do. Also, she is my first love since hs to now
The Answer
Well, this is sorta just what you get when you start off your relationship with exactly this sort of mistrust and rules. You have both used this cruel, immature, bullying tatic before - and now you are upset because you think she's taking the bad thing you have both been doing, too far.
I know this might upset you, but it's the truth. Once you start with ultimatums about who can be your boyfriend or girlfriends facebook friends (rather than respecting and trusting them to make good decisions and be faithful) you open the door to exactly this sort of problem.
You want to turn back the clock? Start by accepting that trying to control who you partner is friends with is ALWAYS wrong. It was wrong when you both did it before, and it's wrong now. You are partly responsible for the fact this badness exists in your relationship. It ain't all her fault. You both brought it to this point.
You don't need compromises. You both need trust and respect from the other. Stop spinning in circles and just get back to the basics of actually being nice to each other. This doesn't mean you get whatever you want. It means you admit you fucked it up and ask her to help you unfuckitup before it becomes too broken to fix.
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The Question
So recently my cousin came to stay with us for a while and we weren't as close at first but we became like best friends now he is 26 and I am 14(girl) a couple weeks ago he kissed me on the lips. I didn't think anything of it because I thought it was an accident. But now he started rubbing my thighs and back really slowly and kind of sexually then he wanted to kiss me but this time longer. I kissed him anyway because I didn't know what to do. I feel really guilty and dirty afterwards but he seems to be his normal self. Is this ok? Or should I tell someone ?
The Answer
You should tell someone.
He is taking advantage of his closeness as a family member and friend, to sexually assault you. He is counting on you being too confused and scarred to complain about what any adult woman would recognize as sexual abuse.
Tell a trusted adult. If you can't or don't feel comfortable speaking to a parent, tell a teacher or a coach. Your cousin is doing something very, very wrong, and probably criminal. He is doing is because he thinks he can get away with it. The only way to make it stop for good is to get another adult involved.
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