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Boyfriend adding/talking to other girls & deleting messages
I haven't been on this site for literally years but I thought someone here could help me. I can't go to my friend with this because I've told her similar things before and she immediately says the worst, like he is cheating and hiding things from me.
I'd really like someone else's opinion, please.
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and he is 21 and I am 20. I basically live with him and I'm with him pretty much all the time. BUT I can never touch his phone. He literally fights me over it if I get ahold of it. He also has two phones. He says one is for games and the other is for calling and texting. I've been on the games one before freely with his permission. The other one I have only been on when I snuck around when he was sleeping, and I did find horrible heart-crushing things on it. He was talking to multiple girls, and even in sexual ways. He told one girl that he was going to have sex with her when he visited another state and she was agreeing to it.
Talking to him about it, he denied everything I said and said he was never actually going to have sex with her.
(This wasn't the first time I saw him talking to other people. A couple months before he was talking to his ex, who we went through terrible things with. She is psycho and I don't know why he'd even think about talking to her. I guess she was hard to let go.)
I've accused him before of continuing to talk to other girls, calling them beautiful, deleting the messages after, etc. He gets extremely mad, yells at me, and leaves the room. I can recall this happening 3 times where I'm seriously crying and scared of him.
It seems like every day I see on his phone a pop-up saying a girl accepted his friend request. I ask him and he says its someone he knew from where he lived before, and he had a lot of friends who were girls. But all of them are like... Beautiful, have lots of likes on their pictures(from him too), and.. ya know? Like, they don't seem like real girls. But their location sure enough says where he is from. BUT who even has that many friends? He adds a LOT of girls. "That request is from a long time ago." Yeah, okay.
He also used to take his phone in the shower with him. I say USED TO because he doesn't shower when I'm there anymore, I'm assuming because I confronted him about it.
One last thing, I was on his games phone and went on his Facebook to see him telling another girl she's "so beautiful" and then later, it was gone. He doesn't remember it all at. So, I know he deletes everything. And, of course, denies it.
I'm sorry this is so long. If someone can give their opinion on this, like how I can help the situation or help fix these problems we have, I'd be very appreciative. I really do love him. Taking away all of these things I mentioned above, he does NOT seem like someone who would cheat. I know him really well. But all of this is beyond my mind.
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I hate to tell you this but some times things happen and we don't want to believe them. This sounds exactly what is going on with you. In fact, you said that you don't want to go to your best friend for this reason.
It is very strange that he has two phones, one for "games" and for making phone calls. Most people that I know only have one cell phone. This already sounds suspicious.
Then you find him telling another girl that he plans to have sex with her, and she's consenting? You also see facebook posts where he calls all of these girls beautiful?
Next time you see a message like that, print it out and make sure that he cannot just delete it. Sit him down, confront him about it, and see what his reasoning is.
Maybe he's into some weird role playing stuff, but it does not sound like something kosher is going on.
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I think you deep down know the answer to this question. You can not force a man or woman to settle down if they are not ready. For instance, You are catching this man you really like talking to other woman and hes saying well I didnt do it. Then who did? You deserve soo much better.
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Even if he's not physically going out and cheating on you, his heart isn't with you.
It's not like you guys have just been together for a couple months, you guys have been together for over a year. At that point he should know whether he wants all of you or not. And it doesn't sound like he just wants you.
Maybe he's not cheating on you physically. But he's going to the borderline as far as he think he can without getting in any serious trouble. That would be enough for me to break up with him.
Besides that, you just don't trust him. Relationships don't work without trust and even if you guys talk about this more, if a text pops up on his phone later, you'll be wondering if it's a girl.
I believe you really love him, which is why you'd stay with him after he pulls all this crap. Because reading this, I would have not stayed, I wouldn't deal with someone talking about cheating on me and having sex with other girls. It's completely disrespectful and wrong.
You can't fix the situation because it's not about you. You're not the one with the problem. You've already tried talking to him, that's all you can do. He doesn't admit to it or think he's doing anything wrong so there's nothing else to do.
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A year's time is enough for him to decide if he's so into you that he doesn't want to look at other girls. Since he's looking and talking and sexual talk is in the picture, obviously he's not into you. That alone is enough reason to leave him, not to mention the lying and such.
You are not the first girl to have developed feelings of love for a guy who ends up treating her like shit. When there is sex in the relationship, the tie to someone is even stronger emotionally for the girl. However for the relationship to work, he needs to have these same feelings of love, cus if he doesnn't it won't work. Him saying the words, if he does, saying I love you isn't proof that a man loves you. It is through his actions dear, that a man truly proves whether he loves you or not. Words are cheap and easy to say. But the heart of a man has to be so totally in love with you that he wouldn't want to do anything that might hurt you and if something unintentionally does, he is hurting that you are hurting, he would be an open book, with nothing to hide from you, he would be your best friend, but best friends don't lie to and hide things from their closest friend do they? He is not even treating you as a friend let alone a lover.
This clearly is a guy not ready to commit to a relationship with one girl. He is still like the kid in the candy store wanting to try out a little of everything. Just the fact he puts so much energy into contact with other girls means he is leaving very little for you.
You ask how to fix the problems. He's the one with the problems and no one can change another person. The want to change for the better has to come from within him. He may change once he grows up and that might not happen until well into his 30's or he may never change and always be a player, letting a girl think she has a relationship with him when she's nothing more than a sex partner, can't say friend with benefits as he's not trying you even like a friend. I think you will only learn by staying with him, that is your only solution. Everyone else is saying to leave him, but your statement "Taking away all of these things I mentioned above,he does NOT seem like someone who would cheat." shows me that you are not ready to take the obvious step and leave him. So the answer is to stay. You are okay with him doing what he is doing as long as he does not have sex with a girl, right? Then I suppose your relationship will limp along until you do have evidence of him doing so or perhaps the day will come when he begins to ignore you more and more and you finally can't stand being overlooked and unloved anymore and you leave. I am serious here. I was in a bad relationship and stayed for many years like a glutton for punishment. I just turned a blind eye to what he was doing, I made excuses for his behavior AND I lied to myself, not 100% believing what I was trying to convince myself was still a good relationship. Us women can do stupid things some times all for the feelings of love in our heart. Now that I am remarried, looking back, I know that the 'love' feelings I had for him were nothing more than some infatuation feelings with the hope that real love develops. In the end, in front of friends he confessed he had never been in love with me. A person can have a preferance for something cus it tickles their fancy in a way, but that kind of love is like loving a flavor of icecream or a type of meal, style of music, season of the year and for each of those, we could put into words why we love those things above anything else, but that kind of love is not enough to make a relationship healthy, loving and last long term or life long. So yeah, there's something about you that he loves, but that one or two things isn't enough to make him fall in love with you to the point he no longer wants to talk to, look at any other girl but you. However, it's hard to walk away, go since you're likely not going to listen to the others advice to leave him, I say stay and learn how much abuse or neglect you can take before you reach your breaking point. Cus that's what it will take for you to leave. Also, years and years of treatment like this from him WILL eventually slowly eat away at whatever love you do have for him. It did for me. One day I realized I no longer had feelings for him at all. That made it easier to leave but I sure wish now I had left him earlier instead of wasting time with him. Life is short so if you're not enjoying it, you're doing something wrong.
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So your saying you've found these messages, he said it wasn't real and you went along with it. You don't sound like you trust him at all. It's hardly a foundation for a strong relationship. From what you've mentioned above he does seem like someone who would cheat because he's spoken to girls about having sex when he's in a relationship with you. The only thing you have is that he denied it.
I'd suggest you perhaps don't know him as well as you think. All I can say if I was in this position with my boyfriend I'd be giving him one last chance before I move onto someone who doesn't act so shady.
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You are insecure and anxious, and he likes to keep secrets, and at very least, skirt the line of cheating.
You are a romantic match made deep in the pits of hell. His horrible behaviour triggers the worse in you. It's a mess. It's a disaster waiting to happen.
You KNOW he's dishonest. So what if he hasn't actually fucked someone else? He's dishonest. So what if he seems like he wouldn't cheat? He lies constantly. He lives his entire life, even deciding when to shower, in order to make sure he is best positioned to lie and deceive you. Maybe he'll never fuck anyone else. He will clearly, always, be a liar.
You don't fix that. You run screaming from that. You break up before these habits damage your ability to have healthy, respectful relationships in the future. You break up before you loose your ability trust and be good to others because you learn to function in a relationship based on fear and deceit.
You may not be flawless. You have your problems I'm sure, but this guy is a tumour. If you don't cut him out soon, he will ruin your ability to work on your personal issues with someone who isn't a liar.
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