|
Paying for a web cam site and private vids. Cheating? Or just porn?
So my boyfriend of 7 years has been distant. I get the relationships have ups and downs. Things have been great lately. So as I was shredding old mail I happen to see 'Chatturbate' on last months bank statement. We have separate accounts so it was his money. Everyone watches porn, I'm okay with that. These webcam sites are different. It's direct interaction with people for sexual gratification. Needless to say I scanned the statement and found nearly $100 spent in a month for the site. Not small change since he doesn't make much money. I'm not proud but I did snoop a bit and found he had a skype account that I didn't know about. It was logged in so I skimmed the chat. He paid $40 for a for a private video from someone he met on Chaturbate. I don't think he's meet anyone in real life but the private chat was graphic enough to make me upset. The person seemed only interested in the cash while my bf seem only into the performer. I watch porn. I get wanting a hot fantasy. I've never personally talked to the person in the porn I watch. Never said thing to them like how hot they are and how much they turn me on. Honestly it's hit my self esteem and I'm a fairly attractive person. Up until now I had total trust in him. He noticed I was upset and I skated around the issue. Enough to ask if he's happy and still wants to be together. I couldn't bring myself to tell him I snooped. I said I was emotional and just feeling weird vibes. He assured me yes and he did ask why I would ask these things. To the reader, sorry to ramble. Is this cheating? Do I confront him with what I know? How do I trust him again? Am I overreacting?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Cheating isn't a law, it's a breach of trust and the breaking of an agreement.
Did you reasonably expect that your relationship agreement did NOT include him having sexy video chats with other people? Did you reasonably expect it didn't include him hiring sex workers (even just online) to service him?
Yeah. That's a perfectly reasonable expectation for you to have. It was entirely reasonable for you to believe that sure - he watches porn and has other private sexual fantasies and thoughts that don't include you - but that he doesn't have sexual encounters with others.
He had sexual encounters with others. Put the word 'Cheating' on hold for a while, and focus on what is true: You didn't think you had a relationship where that was okay, and he hid it from you as well, so obviously he also suspected that it wouldn't be an okay thing in your relationship together.
Do you confront him? Yeah, that is probably wise. This isn't just about your self-esteem, this is about making sure you are on the same page and are both having your needs met. It's also about respecting the reality of shared finances in a relationship. Maybe, you can come come to a new relationship agreement that does include some of the this kind of sexual activity for him if it's something he really enjoys and you can be at peace with. But until that new agreement is made, he's betraying you. Of course that hurts. The sooner you address it, the sooner you both have the chance to start healing it.
]
You can't really call it 'cheating' on you when the other party consists of electronic message exchanges and video sequences. The 'other woman' probably viewed it as a cash opportunity, possibly a little distraction/amusement and no more, as you point out. They are indeed 'real people' but porn models/actors (m. or f.) are real people too. And you can't be unfaithful with porn images either. What might set alarm bells ringing is the fact that there ARE genuine contact websites (though the genuine females are less numerous than those peddling porn, and they may not be quite so glamorous as the players in the stuff the peddlers sell. The 'peddler' may not even BE a woman at all!). If his current behaviour is a 'gateway' to adult contact sites then it's a bad thing, obviously. He may feel empowered by his apparent 'success' (if one could actually call it that?) and wish to have a go at the 'real thing'. And he's certainly spending far too much of his income on it. It sounds as if the cash we're talking about is not disposable-income, free to be dropped on anything he pleases. That cash should really be already earmarked for your relationship, shouldn't it? So it could be something or nothing. NO he's not cheating. It COULD be a gateway event, or it may have no real intent whatsoever. It's definitely IS a selfish luxury he can't really afford. I'd be tempted to try brining it up in abstracted form. Talk about PEOPLE WHO....get duped into paying for porn which may be fake, the idea of communicating with porn actors, the use of casual-sex contact agencies etc. Not specifically about HIM doing it, OR the fact that you know he is dipping a toe in the water, so to speak. You can air your views, ie they're mugs getting conned, that it's foolish. How it must put a girl off the guy if she found out...and so on. Savvy?? Watch his reactions. Bit red-faced, twiddling his fingers, looking down at his shoes, tongue tied...that's what you wann see! Hopefully you won't find the same incriminating browsing evidence and bank activity next time you peak? Might shame him out of it? If NOT I'd confront him solely on the cash issue. Take the high ground, ie "I don't mind if you want to amuse yourself with porn...but you're spending most of your bloody earnings on it. Do you think we're going to pay the bills with porno vids and receipts for porn site membership?" That should give HIS self-esteem a good sound blow to the ribs mate.... and make him think twice about doing it again! Good luck. X
]
I personally would not be ok with him watching something where hes able to enter-act with the person preforming the acts of sex no. NORMAL porn would be ok but i would wonder why he didnt want to do that stuff with me. and ask if thats the kind of stuff he likes to do and if so give him a chance to do that with you if your both willing and open to it.
If theres nothing you can do to be the center of his sexual world then to ME there would be a problem there. you should be the only thing he wants, dreams about, and cant wait to get home to at the end of the day. On the other hand you have to give him motivation for him to feel that way (not that your doing anything wrong now) but is there anything now that he wants that you might not be doing?
Ive been married since 09 and together since 2001 with my guy and i try as much as i can to create an environment he wants to come home to, i do thoughtful things and pay attention to detail. This shows that your thinking of him even when he is not thinking of you. If you havent already, try these things and then see if his attitude and how he conducts himself chances a little because this could translate into the bedroom as well. give him reasons to feel lucky to have you, and you may just get what you want in return. (AKA not needing the chat because he has you)
try watching porn with him and asking him AS certain things are happening if he likes this or that and if he would like to do that with you or not. (some guys respect their women too much to even think of asking their partner to do certain things in the bedroom and just like regular sex while others have no problem with amping things up a bit) maybe thats true maybe its not but i do know couples that have been together along time and have certain things they still wont do for each other sexually, like oral.
both seem ok with it but the other poster is right you need to have open communication about what your both willing and not willing to do.
i thin its ok to let him know you came across this or that but whats done is done and he cant take it back so maybe try not to condemn him for that but asking him to come to you first when he feels he has needs should definitely be at the top of the list instead of automatically turning to a video service since your in a relationship now.
]
I know people, even a couple who used to be providing the cam service and getting paid, it used to be a great way to earn money. I can't say about all guys who use these sites but I know that most don't have a relationship or don't want a relationship and just want the sexual release and the more interactive or real it is, the more rewarding or the easier for the man to masturbate. Others are addicted to sex like others are to cigarettes or alcohol or gambling, just can't get enough of it, even though they have a regular sex partner. If this is the case, it needs to be taken care of before it causes problems in a relationship.
Also there are guys who are not matched with the right girl or girl with the right guy. It isn't a matter of lacking on either part or problem with technique as much as it is a problem with the two lacking sexual chemistry or not having a strong enough one. I have the high libido and my ex had a low one. I was willing to adjust to his but I left for other issues more serious. If its the guy not being satisfied, I know both sides can cheat but men don't turn of their sex drive like women seem able to, so they are more likely to go looking for fulfillment elsewhere, in porn of every sort, including cam service or seeing other females on the side.
So what is the issue driving him to do this? In each scenerio, none of it reflects on you but can mess with your self esteem even so. So don't be afraid to bring up a talk about sex between you two. There should be some boundaries and guidelines discussed as to what each of you feel is normal and acceptable. Its hard at the beginning of a relationship to even broach the subject but if two are engaging in sex, it is important to talk openly about what each others fantasys are, wishes are, if they are totally satisfied with each other or need more. There is no right or wrong answer in this and you may be very disappointed with what you hear and heart broken if you have feelings for him, but if you lack the chemistry, have differing libido's, he is too uncomfortable to discuss it openly, or lies or feels it is important, there is an issue. If the two of you can talk and he willing to make sure that you are totally satisfied first before he goes spends time online with what helps him get to the place where he's gotten enough and its okay with both of you, theres nothing wrong with that. But you must take first priority and it must not interfere with his other obligations and such in life, like dedication to work, finding betterh work, taking care of the car, time for his family and friends, whatever else...
Males usually don't bring up this subject with their special female for fear of losing her, having her freak out emotionally on him which only distract from getting to what is driving him sexually, his wants desires and fantasies. Sometimes it can be as simple as liking a fantasy of dom and sub and taking turns. It may not be your thing at all so if satisfied otherwise, and he is allowed to work out those particular needs online, no harm done. Usually its not that simple though. And everyone is different.
So to answer is it cheating, if it totally consumes him and he has no real desires for you anymore, isn't still trying to take peeks down your shirt, his eye don't light in passion when seeing you dress in things he used to react to, it's more important to him, it is a way of cheating, as it is cheating you out of having a fully loving sexual life with him.
Confront with what you know? I'd have to say yes. Its dangerous how he will react but it's worth getting out into the open. Let him know that when shredding mail, you were glancing over each piece as you did to make sure you weren't about to shred and important document you need to hold on to, and thats when you saw charges for Chatturbate. You didn't want to confront him about it unless you could be sure so you did check online and found evidence. Tell him you want to discuss this openly as adults and talk about each others likes wants desires and see if the two of you can do more to spice up your sex life of what and perhaps agree to some boundaries and being honest enough to inform each other before doing something like porn instead of keepiing it secret. Then you should be able to built trust in each other. No, youre not overreacting, it is a common reaction but what you do from this point on determines the future health of the sexual side of your relationship. Perhaps you may find the two of you have too many sexual differences and its better to part, on good terms.
Hope this helps you.
]
More Questions: |